How should I live my next 40 years?


New Member
Hi, I need some advice.

Age 47, married 20 years with 3 kids 17 G, 11 B, 9 B. Used to work as a secretary in a financial institution with good pay and fantastic boss. Became a housewife 11 years ago. My daughter did badly for P1, I had just given birth, my husband travelled extensively for his company and he wanted me to stay at home, be there for the kids, so that he can have peace of mind.

We were separated for a year once when my daughter was only 3 years old. All of a sudden he just could not stand my ‘nonsence’ or so he said. When I asked for maintenance for his daughter, he said he’s not sure if she was his. He claimed there were no 3rd party, but few months later, when I took my daughter on a tour to forget my unhappiness, I came face to face with him with his arm round another woman in Hawaii. In one year, I shifted 3 times, living among my siblings. Life was lonely and tough living under people’s roof, but peaceful and manageable. A year later, when my brother tried to make me move out of his house, my husband asked me to go back to him. I relented reluctantly because our separation has robbed my daughter out of her confidence. I know she felt lonely without a father. I suspect my husband miss our daughter and this family rather than me. Anyway, he treated me better than before, and we went on to have another 2 boys.

Therefore, when he asked me to give up my job, I was a bit apprehensive as I was afraid history may repeat itself and without a job, I would be in a dilemma should he ask for divorce again. He promised he won’t and suggested setting up a joint account where all his income would be credited into so that I can have a peace of mind. He also promise to give me an allowance equivalent to my last drawn pay.

My husband change after the birth of my 3rd child. Our relationship nosedive from there. However, he still give me an allowance, although my allowance is now shared with my 3 children and the maid plus all household expenses. If there’s no adhoc expenses like medical bills, I can save about $500 a month. The consolation and security is his income goes into our joint account.

From being a person whom I can talk about anything under the sun, he’s become critical of me. He’s always putting me down. Even when I wrote many letters to him to explain, he’ll still insist I’m a lousy mom, only know how to watch TV, use the computer blah blah blah. He accused me of cheating him of the money from joint account, call me evil, devil. When the renovation contractor we know for years, molested me once, in front of the kids, he said I must have seduced him! He just refused to see eye to eye with me on anything!

I suspected something. I check his laptop and discovered picture of sexy girls everywhere. Photos of a young woman showering in the toilet. Photos of a man using his handphone to capture a woman doing oral sex on him. My maid found condoms in his car. Few years ago, I chanced upon intimate smses between him and another woman. I’m glad we’ve stopped sleeping together 4 years ago when I suspected he passed an STD to me.

The daughter I painstakingly raised, sacrificed myself to let her have a father, nurture her, guide her, shop with her, give in to her wants, has not been on talking terms with me for 2 months already. She failed her ‘O’ level English, and I have been asking her to make use of the time waiting for Poly to start to brush up on her English by reading more. She work part time (3 times a week), she spent the other 3 days with friends. She ignored my advice to balance her time. Then she told me one day that her friend said I’m a stressful mom, if she were my daughter, she would quarrel with me. I felt so hurt, I thought I gave her a lot of freedom already. I even let her start dating after her ‘O’ level. She’s allowed to go out with friends, but she must return by 9pm, if later than that, she has to seek my permission. She told me most of her friends go home after 11pm, some even 1-2am. I’ve explained to her why I can’t. Therefore, on that fateful day, when I tried to stop her from going out as I was very angry with her for being inconsiderate, irresponsible, showing bad attitude when I talk to her, she ignored my instruction. I called her, she ignored my calls, then I threaten to pack her luggage if she does not return y a certain time, and she sms me ‘So be it”. She stayed at her boyfriend’s house for 1 night and a girlfriend house for 2 nights before returning.

My husband is furious with me. Put me down every day. Condemn my parenting style. Said he pities the children. He went to the extend of channelling his income into his own personal account and restrict my spending. I’m no longer allow to sign for my children purchase or food. Needless to say, he’ll not honour my own purchase. He even threaten to cancel all my credit cards.

All these 17 years, I’ve lived for my children and this family. I’m home everyday. I cooked lunch and dinner for them everyday. I help them in their school work, I read newspaper to them and taught them values and moral. I even taught my boys cycling and rollerblade without knowing how to myself. I’m also the handyman in the house. I leaned how to fix the cistern tank in the toilet, change the sockets in the house, everything. All my 3 children conduct in school is excellent. My husband only work and bring the money in. Yet, I’m now labelled a lousy mom, my daughter in one of her sms, said I’m scary all the time.

I’m now contemplating divorcing my husband and leaving this family. I feel my 20 years as a wife and mom has not brought me any happiness I am very disheartened even though my 2 boys are innocent. I believe they will also turn against me when they become teens especially when my husband take sides. My husband even go to the extend of removing my financial security, I feel extremely worried that I might be the next one to live under the flyover one day.

My biggest problem are my 2 boys. How? Should I continue to live for them the next 8 years or should I start thinking of myself and break this family up. Some of you may suggest that I get a job while continuing to stay here. I think that will make my husband very happy as he need not finance me and at the same time the family and children’s still looked after. When the time comes and my sons don’t want me anymore, there might also not be much left in my husband’s account to cover me. I know I sounded spiteful, but I’ve sacrificed much. I was enjoying my job, feeling very secured, had good self-esteem, until I gave up all for this family. When love was gone, I live without sex for God knows how many years. I feels lonely everyday and night. I put up with everything for my children. When my daughter snubbed me, I almost end my life if not for the fact that I still have a mother to care for. When my sons snubbed me, I cannot guarantee I won’t end my life for my mom would probably not be around by then.

Sorry for such a long letter. I’ve no friends, I fell out with my siblings over my mom. I do not have anyone to talk to now. Please tell me what would you do in my position.


New Member
Dear Mag,
I know u must be feeling so low & depressed over your family issues. I suggest that you should consult the nearest Family Centre for counselling & help. Believe me, they are able to listen to your woes & give solutions. A good way to channel out your problems. I also have own personal issues & been seeing FC counsellor since last year. I salute them for excellent service.

How come you fell out with your siblings over your mum?


New Member
My mum was in hospital fighting for her life. I kept calling my brothers to visit her. However they gave all kind of excuses. My mom lives with her eldest son, wife and 3 kids plus maid. No one talks to her. They don't like her, find her naggy. Two of my sisters also does not talk to my mum at all. My mum used to be very strict with us when we were small, I was the closest to her because I saw how my dad beat her up everytime he got drunk. I also saw my mum struggling to bring all 6 of us up. I saw through the "Have you eaten", "Do you have money" despite all the scoldings and canning from her. Don't know why my siblings can be so callous. Since they treat my mum so badly when she was in hospital, I can't bring myself to talk to them till now.

My daughter also ignores me. Seems like our 17 years of love cannot withstand even 1 lecture. It makes me feel so silly to carrying on living for my kids.

I am seeing a counsellor to help clear my thoughts so that I can plan for my future.


Active Member
peer pressure and the need to fit in with frens can cause the change in attitude & behaviour of teenage children towards their parents, the parent-child relationship could become pretty strained as a result...

ur daughter is one of those rebellious kids and u r one of those hapless parents... as a responsibe parent, u should try to understand the needs and wants of ur daughter and look for ways to strengthen the bond, then help steer her in the right direction... no need to feel despair and contemplate leaving... it will only worsen the situation...

as for the marriage, no point holding on to it if the feelings had long gone... but u need to hv sufficient means to fend for urself before making the exit...

i suggest u do one thing at a time.. mend ur ties with the daughter, then get a job and earn ur keep... who knows? someday u might be able to bring the kids along wif you...


New Member
My heart goes out to u.... U shld go back into the work force, earn ur own keepings, get bk the self-confidence and respect u deserve.

Ur children will grow up one day and hv their own family, u need to be strong for urself. As for ur girl, she's at the rebellious stage, no matter what u say will not get into her, it's really up to her to wake up her idea. For the boys, u need to be strong for them too, incase u leave ur husband, u need to be financially stable to take them with u.

I believe u are a fantastic mum, salute u for ur scarification for the family, dun let anything bring u down, u need to be strong for urself!


New Member
Hi magdalene, i know i may not be in the position to tell u wat to do cuz i've not been tru wat u've been tru, but i felt that u should go back to work now and be independent. Seriously i dunno y ur husband did not stand with u towards ur kids. Its hard to teach them in this way.

And as for ur daughter, dun be too disheartened. Becuz she is still a teenager going tru the rebellious phase. I used to go against my mum too. I ignored her advices and even treat her advices as naggings.. But trust me, when she grew up, she will understand someday.

But i dont understand y ur husband treats u this way. I mean wat causes him to have this sudden change to go against u in eerything u do?


New Member
Dear Junkie,

I do understand the pressure teenagers feels. I was once a teenager before. Most of the time, I thought I was my daughter's friend. I shopped with her and for her. I talked to her about my own unhappy past, the mistakes I made, hoping she would also opens up to me. When she was little, I used to read the papers and explained to her on topics like bullying, peer pressure, the birds and the bees, how she must be streetsmart. She has 2 friends (one of them her boyfriend), whose mother left them. The other one was a girl friend who badmouthed me, after meeting me just once and heard me reminding my daughter to sign up for English Tuition to prepare to re-take her English 'O' level paper. She has another close friend who used to be very bright but due to too much freedom, went into few relationship with boys and finally ended up doing much worse than my daughter. I've never stopped her from going out with these friends, I just talk to her about them, use them as examples and asked her to be careful. I place great emphasis on good character, the importance of balancing study, friends, and play. When she was small, I made decisions for her, but when she went on to Sec 3, I gradually relaxed. She was not happy that I did not give her more freedom during school hours then. She also wanted to have a boyfriend. She said she envy her friends for the freedom they have. I explain to her that her priority is to do well enough to go JC or Poly, cos a 'O' level cert will not help her at all. She can go out with her friend during the holidays and I promised her more freedom after her 'O' level. I kept my promise and loosened my grip after 'O' level.

She spent the 1st 2 months with friends. The next 3 months, I encouraged her to work for her tutor doing admin 3 times a week so that she can be more exposed. Then she asked if she can accept a boy as her boyfriend, although I did tell her before if having a boyfriend is very important, to try to wait till her 2nd year in Poly, by then she would be more mature. After highlighting to her the pros and cons, I leave her to make her own decision under the condition that she should come to me if she gets into trouble. My daughter spent her leisure listening to music and msn-ning to her friends, she does not like to read the newspaper or go through forums where teens discuss about matters like JC vs Poly, relations etc. She not streetsmart. So I tried to use examples to teach her as much as I can like how to look at both sides of the coin, how not to take advantage of boys and vice-versa. I did them tactfully when we are in the bus on the way to shop.

She wanted to Sony Viao laptop for Poly. I spent days searching forums for information. I then presented to her what's general opinion and what's most recommended and why. She still insisted on getting Sony. So I discussed with my husband and agreed to let her have it under condition that she must take great care to protect the laptop to last 3 years. I tried to make her happy by giving in to her wants. I played shares from time and time, and I use the gains to buy her Ipod Touch, PSP. I used to tell her I'll try to satisfy her wants, all I ask is she pays attention to her studies.

She did very well her Maths and Science subjects, unfortunately she failed her English and was shut out of all JC. I was extremely disappointed. She didn't know what to do or what she wants to be. So, arm with courses I've shortlisted for her months ago before her results, I brought her to the Poly open house and did all the asking, making sure she sat next to me to listen so that she can make sound decision. I let her choose, but I did all the registration for her as she continued to busy herself going out with friends. I asked her to make use of these few months while waiting for Poly to start, to brush up on her English by reading the papers, listening to news, signing up for tuition. Still, she continues to busy herself with riends. So, on that fateful day, I sat her down to talk about her attitude and other shortcomings she's displayed eversince I loosen my grip. Her body language was very bad, she stood up and walked into her room to get reday to go out when I was talking halfway. So I forbided her to go out that day to think over what I've just said. She ignored me and went out. I called her, she refused to take my calls. Out of anger I sms to tell her to return by 4pm or I'll pack her luggage. She replied she can't do as she's told and asked me to go ahead to pack ker luggage. No matter how my 2 boys and maid cried and pleaded with her not to upset me, she just would not This is how she left the house for 3 nights, one night at her boyfriend's house, another nights at the friend who badmouthed me, and another at the friend who let relationships gets into her studies. She ignores all my calls. She only sms to me via my husband's handphone and thus putting further weight to an already strained marriage. To add insult to injurdy, my husband brought her luggage to her and told her I'm too drastic. She came back only after I threaten to call the police to get social workers to talk to her. When husband also threaten to beat me if I were to call the police. She continues to ignore me till this day. These are the sma she sent me:

"Im very tired of all this already. Just let me go. Sometimes u not happy, u also just walk away like that. Why cant I. I save enough money already then I'll move out. U were the one who say u rather I just take my bag n go off to find my friend then suck up to u. I did exactly what u told me to do. why do u think u r always right? Why cant u be like those mother who told their children just do what they wanna do, mum, i'm big enough already. I know what's right n wrong. why cant u just give me a chance. since it's like that, just move my things out, wont be able to reach home by 4pm. Ya, u very scary most of the time, let me have sometimes on my own please."

My daughter is a very pretty girl, all my neigbours says so. She's not streetsmart, the friends she mixes with are either from broken family, usually living with fathers, or enjoy unlimited freedom because both parents are working. She came from the notorious school called Changkat Changi Secondary School, recently in the news. None of her friends did any better than her in studies, few are N Level, her boyfriend one of them. If I've loosen my grip during her Secondary School days, I'm very certain she would have fared even badly.

This is the 3rd time she's hurt me. But, this time her attitude was much worse than the other 2 times. Other than the 3 times, generally she's a pleasant child. I was very taken aback by her reaction this time.

I've adopted the 'flying a kite' technique in bringing up my children. It's not easy to hold tight, let go especially when you have 3 very unique individuals. It takes a lot of monitoring, observation, getting to know them to know when to let go and when to hold tight.

For all the sacrifice I made for her, what did I get? 'A Scary Mum Most Of The Time' award. My heart is totally scattered, so scattered that whenever I look at my 2 boys, I feel an overwhelming sadness that they too would do the same to me. I feel I cannot carry on anymore. I don't even want custody of my children.

My husband, children and maids are the types that need to be pushed and reminded to carry out even the most routine of things, like packing school bags, hanging towels properly, sometimes even bathe. I must remind my husband to sign chegues even when it's right under his nose, pick up the children from tuitions. I've to remind the maid to scrub the kitchen floor, do her daily chores properly according to timetable. I'm the only independent and organised one in this family. You can imagine what I've been going thru the past 2 decades. I feels very tire and demoralised now.

The hurt is just too painful to bear. I used to fleak out at the thought of jumping from the 23rd floor, but now I feel nothing can be as painful as the pain inflicted on you by your own family.

I'm sorry if my post is too long and disorganised. My mind's in a limbo all this while.


New Member

sorry, but i do tink tat u make urself too tired by taking every single tings into ur hand and keep making all the others look and dependent on u. i guess u did it coz u are nt secure esp after wat ur hb did to u last time...thus u tried too hard to grip on tightly to ur family esp ur kids.

in fact from ur post i do find u abit of a stressful mum to be wif. yes, u did alot for ur gal. and u shop wif her...but did u ever ask her wat she really wan?

also, regarding the streetsmart thing. she maybe streetsmart for her age, but it is nv enough in ur eyes...and also if she is really nt streetsmart, u can only blame yourself coz u overprotect her in some ways.

human like animal learn thru trial and error, falls and pain. but if u keep her in the cage all day, so she nv fall how will she noe how painful it will be rite...

learn to relax abit and dun tink too far....dun let urself sank into depression or unstable state of mind.


New Member
Sorry, don't get you. What's pm and how to activate?


Did I ever ask her what she really want? Of course! Where we go, what we eat, they decide, everyone no opinion, I decide. If just daughter and me, she decides I tagged along. I can give opinion wher to go what to eat, which to buy, but she decides, I paid. If you're talking about her social life, I've already explain my parental style above.

As for streetmart thingy, I met most of her friends, and they are by far more streetsmart than her. I do somewhat agree with you maybe it's my fault she's overprotected, but it really scares me to let her do what she wanna to do with her kind of friends. It's only this row we had that I finally decided to let her go, if she falls, let it be, like what you say let her learn from setbacks. That's why I did not attempt to talk to her anymore than she ignore me. However, at the back of my mind, I'm still worried, worry about STD, worry about pregnancy, worry she do badly in Poly.

Finally, I did not make them dependent on me inorder to make myself more secure. The opposite is more true. I'm an independent person and I like people surrounding me to be independent too so that I can have more time to myself without having to worry about them. But, they are laid back, tends to proscastinate, expect my maid and me to pick up after them. Yes we can stop picking after them but you think they care enough to bother. The impression given to me is what's the maid and me for?

For the past 2 months, as I was disheartened, I could only shut myself in my room. The house is messier, dirtier, my maid stopped putting back things in their original places. My daughter left her room looking like pig's sty. Lights on till 2-3am, with the maid sleeping in her room. Teacher complaining about my older boy forgetting books, homework, failure to get me to sign forms etc. My youngest forgot to learn spelling, watch TV and play PSP most of the time. I made the kids self-study for their exams and ask them to ask me when they're in doubt. What did I get? My husband punished me by crediting his salary into his own account and curtailing my spending.

Do you think it's time for me to leave, then hopefully they'll remember what mummy used to tell them to do everyday, maybe they will learnt to be independent now that mummy is not around.

I try to do my best, my husband say I'm a lousy mum. If I were to like what you suggested, relax a bit, my husband gonna to say I don't care anymore, like now he's telling the children I don't love this family.

Did I sound stressful or did the family stressed me. I'm also beginning to question that. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mother after all.

Thank you for your feedbacks.

How does feeling bad about yourself help the entire situation? Absolutely nothing...

Now is not the time for did the best you could based on the circumstances all these years...

Your husband seems to be putting you down for some reason..I do not know why...

You mentioned you are already seeing a counsellor, maybe that may help...there are many issues you need to deal with, so you may need help to disect the situation:
- going back to work
- your gal and discipline and studies issue
- your boys and their discipline and studies issue
- your hubby and the way he treats you/ curtails your expenditure

It is important to have a clear mind to proceed...all the best...


Active Member
nvm. i post the msg here

"So, arm with courses I've shortlisted for her months ago before her results, I brought her to the Poly open house and did all the asking, making sure she sat next to me to listen so that she can make sound decision. I let her choose, but I did all the registration for her as she continued to ...... "

Sorry mdm, are u abit controlling type? sorry if for my blunt question. You accompany her to poly to choose subjects and giving her the options and your reviews on the courses. i was given the green light for "freedom" but my mum never accompany me to those events. Well sorry to say this, i guess your world is your children. But then the children world is not only you.

Well life is about exploring options and choices. That the fun part of life ofcourse its hide with treacherous traps. i will find it damn vexing if my mum try to review the courses offered by her bounded rationality and offer me the "BEST REVIEW" but at that age. i want to enjoy life, explore new horizon.

Well at least i find this SMS :"Im very tired of all this already. Just let me go. Sometimes u not happy, u also just walk away like that. Why cant I. I save enough money already then I'll move out. U were the one who say u rather I just take my bag n go off to find my friend then suck up to u. I did exactly what u told me to do. why do u think u r always right? Why cant u be like those mother who told their children just do what they wanna do, mum, i'm big enough already. I know what's right n wrong. why cant u just give me a chance. since it's like that, just move my things out, wont be able to reach home by 4pm. Ya, u very scary most of the time, let me have sometimes on my own please." is a good form of her trying to tell u the issue.
You want the best of the kids but sometime its good to let them be independent and let them fall down and stand up.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”" - Mark Twain,

imho, let your kid explore life and be there to support. maybe its a good way to be independent and appreciate you.



New Member

i tink u shld nt mix ur prob wif ur hb into the kids issue. yes, ur hb is trying distance u and ur kid, and wat his motive? mayb u noe better...

but u hv to rebuild ur r/s wif ur kids esp ur gal. every children is the same...they love their parent de but wen come to rebellious age, this love is hidden someware and is often 'forgotten' so, u nid more patience to slowly guide them and let them 'remember' the love they hv for u.

lastly, watever happen, it is foolish to run away by killing yourself lor. by doing tat, u will let ur kids be without mother love and in a way i do tink u will make ur hb day lor...coz he will nt grieve over ur death but i guess he will be happy to hv 'discard' u without the need of spending more money.

right nw, u shld juz pull urself together and tell urself tat ur gal might nt need u now as she is somehow lost in the outside temptation. however, one day she will need her dear mother to be there to help and support her for watever setback she is gng to go thru.

also dun forget u got 2 son who still need ur love and care nw. as for wat they gng to be in future whether they will be rebellous like their sister, it is too earlier to u can only pray hard and be strong for them.

look it upon urself, arent u relying on ur sick mum for the moral support nw. so in future there will be a day ware ur children will need u regardless how old they are.

to say the truth, i will nt hv understand the role of a mother and learn to appreciate my mother if nt for the fact tat i also become a mother myself last yr.

so stay strong and positive to lead u thru this rough patch of life and u will get to taste the fruit of happiness of being a mother in future.


New Member
Why use the word 'control', why not 'help'?

I've asked her, but she does not know what she wants to be, she only knows she likes Maths. She did not want to explore the Poly websites and go through the courses available because she kept thinking of getting into JC. There were many open houses, some even went to their school to give handouts, she did not even bother to go through them But, I've this feeling she's not going to get into JC and having known the importance of being prepared, I shortlisted all the courses that would exposed her to Maths. I also know there's only limited time given to you to register your options once the result's release.

True enough, she did not do well enough for JC.
I then took her to one of the Poly and let her observe how I asked questions, what kind of questions to ask as she's not good at expressing herself. I did not force her, I told her she have to find out more from the horses mouth, and if she would like me to go with her. Thereafter, I suggested that she goes with her friends to find out more about other courses, she told me her friends has already gone with their parents. She said nevermind, she likes one of the courses I've shortlisted so there's no need to find out about others.

For me I would make full advantage of these open houses to find out more about all the eligible courses, before making decisions. But I accept that we are different and leave it to her to decide. Therefore, in what whay am I controlling?

Because I shortlisted the course for her, she finds it much easier to zoom in and make decision. Some of her friends, who were not prepared, panic and at the end ended up choosing a course they can't even explain what's about. My daughter's good at maths and science, I shortlisted all the business and engineering courses she's eligible for wheras her friend's science is weak, yet ended up choosing BioScience or BioChem. I asked my daughter why she did that, my daughter said she just does not know what to select so since friend's going there, she just join. I am aghast, 3 years you know, how can one make her choice so flippantly?

While my daughter look forward to going Poly, most of her friends dread that day because they do not like the course they picked at random, but they look forward to meeting more friends there.

It's everybody's wish to enjoy life and explore new horizon, but one also has to be realistic enough to make the right choice. While it's good to let them fall down and stand up, is it not better to learn from other's setback? For a girl, there're certain setbacks I rather she not experience.

Therefore, I would like to think I'm guiding and leading her, not controlling. But since you hinted otherwise, I'll reflect on my ways.

I notice you're of the opposite sex. I bring up my boys differently from my daughter. I will certainly not bring them to open houses unless they beg me. But with boys, I believes I do not have the need to. Men are from Mars, women from Venus.


Active Member
well. i am just asking. Further more your action do imply to me that you are those extremely helpful mummy who Shortlisted courses for ppl. And she going to choose from the few in her mummy list.

well yes, she can be those who need spoon feeding but isn't it time for you to her be on her own.

Yes, yes, one has to be realistic enough to make the right choice. 100% true. Well. so what the best for your children now. Let me see, she good in Maths, so i guess she will be better to be in Finance, accountancy and well maybe Engineering suit her too.

Why not media, MAss comm. because she weak in Languages. C'mon. let her do the selection.

You are a good mum but its time to let her explore the learning journey on her own. just be there when she come back for you.


Ya, you've to let her start making the decisions herself. That's the only way she can become more streetsmart, it's when she makes a mistake and learns from it. Sure you could shortlist courses for her and give her advice but at the same time, she should make the final decision and it shouldn't be forced down the throat.

As for your daughter's boyfriend and 3 friends, for all you know they could be the only friends she has so she cherishes them more. Moreover, they took her in when she left home so the bond with those friends is somewhat strengthened. But you don't like those friends and you want her to leave them, it's quite hard. If you can't stop her from hanging around with those friends, you can invite them over to your house and get to know them more. That's what my boyfriend's parents did. My boyfriend has a 17 year old sister who's rebellious and her parents disliked her boyfriend from the start after they found out he was involved in a gang. They hadn't even met him yet. But now he comes over to the house once a week and we all found out that he's actually quite a nice guy. He cooks dinner for everyone and washes the hamster cage and he treats my boyfriend's sister quite well. So you see, you can't judge a person so quickly. If you can get to know you daughter's boyfriend and friends more, maybe you'll see another side of them. Plus you'll keep your daughter at home since she can now hang out with her friends at her own home.


New Member
Dear Magdalene,
Firstly, a better place to post your problem is where members are almost 100% parents with kids who can better understand your situation.
Magdalene, I am really sorry that your family does not seem to appreciate you despite what you have done for them. As a devoted mom who has dedicated her life caring for her family, and as a human, you have every reason to feel hurt. I am also a mom to school-going kid. Thus I can understand why u did what u did for your kids. All moms want the best for their children. From your post, I do not think you are overly controlling or protective over you gal. So pls do not blame yourself or feel responsible for your gal's behaviour. First, acknowledge you are hurting badly inside. you have to be strong. Put yourself as priority, focus on getting back on your feet again. Put all other problems (kids and husband) aside for time being. We can only handle so much. If you can't help yourself, how can u take care of the rest? 2nd, it is v easy to feel negative when one is in such situation. everything looks blue and hopeless. Don't fall into this trap. You are seeing a counsellor now rite? Talk to your counsellor. He/she can be a pillar of support. (if u do not have, I have someone in mind for u. Write to me [email protected]) Take comfort that everyone has problem, big or small. And remind yourself: in this life we are given, we are 'equipped' to handle difficult situation. What does not kill you will make you stronger. you need to work out your situation with a counsellor ie. Start thinking for yourself.
please take care. Do feel free to write to me at my email address above. For every problem, there is a solution. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.


New Member

Thanks so much for the link and your encouragement. I'll be meeting the counsellor end of the week. I'll contact you if I don't feel comfortable with the counsellor. I do not have friends or relatives whom I can confide in, posting in forum is a way to get to know myself thru other's views. Sometime people from outside sees things clearer.

My year long separation from my husband has indeed made me a stronger person. I know the world outside my house is huge, with unlimited opportunities. I may not be worse off out on my own. The only thing making me hesitate is my 2 boys... haiz.


Once again, thanks so much for your kind words. Children in Primary schools loves their mum, when they goes Secondary schools, they loves their friends. When they becomes parents themselves, they loves their mum again. But, sad to say, nowadays most choose to be single or childless.


New Member
Pls Be strong again..e light is very dim & it is tough for you to walk this path of motherhood. It is never easy. Since you are a full-time homemaker, i suggest you ask your maid to go and you keep yourself more occupied by doing the housechores & cook. It kills boredom & you will have a sense of satisfaction. Perhaps it is hard because you already have been relying on maid to do most chores. Suggest that you try..

Children nowadays are quite spoilt so we have no choice but to be more patient and slowly educate them. Whatever the result is, we still have to be their mum for this lifetime. This is love.

Think you are suffering from depression so hopefully the counselling session will help you along the way to recover. You be stronger. Hang on tight!


Active Member

no doubt u had put in a lot of efforts into attending to ur daughter's needs, but all these will prove futile if u fail to grasp her inner thoughts... her wants...

do identify the underlying causes of her frustration and wanting to break free from ur "control". her sms to u provides the ans beside just branding u "scary"...

i know its tough for u, hving to put up wif ur husband's emotional abuse too. perhaps its better that u gain more strength and inner peace before making the next step.

gd luck...
"She's not streetsmart, the friends she mixes with are either from broken family, usually living with fathers, or enjoy unlimited freedom because both parents are working. She came from the notorious school called Changkat Changi Secondary School, recently in the news. None of her friends did any better than her in studies, few are N Level, her boyfriend one of them. If I've loosen my grip during her Secondary School days, I'm very certain she would have fared even badly. "

Erm what's wrong with children with broken families and poorer academic scores than your daughter? Yes I agree with Diana that you maybe a stressful mum for one to have. You are passing judgements too quickly on her friends' characters without spending much time with them.

Don't be too hard on yourself and feel overly responsible for your daughter's life. There's only so much a parent can do for us in life. We learn from mistakes and improve ourselves along the way.


magdalene, lets get this straight -- you are absolutely controlling. not in an overbearing manner mind you. i am referring to a passive smothering control that makes it harder for your loved ones to break free. not unless they want to feel like big sorry asses for standing up to someone who loves them.

think about this... say you want a watch and your best friend searched the entire country and picked out a few options for you. how would you feel if those weren't to your liking? accept her choice and be unhappy or reject them and disappoint her. now even if you like those choices, wouldn't you rather go through the shopping experience yourself? be guilty or be unhappy -- why would you subject your loved ones to those negative emotions on a daily basis? if i were her, i'd have gone ape shit on you many moons ago. pardon my french.

making assumptions about your daughter (with a mum like you, there is no chance she will be street smart.), helping her picked a course, giving in to her, sharing your sob stories so she doesn't make the same mistakes, checking out laptop info on her behalf, going to the poly open house (you might as well tattoo NERD ALERT across your daughter's forehead), etc. were all big parenting no-nos. learn to let go, or your loved ones will let you go. and they should.


My hubby's mum did not "force" my hubby to study or control his life outside. He played hard, and always failed in his school, from primary to secondary. His mum nvr scold or punish him. To her, if my hubby can study, study lor, if can't study then come out and work.

His wakeup call was when he got his "O" Levels, and he could only get into ITE. From then on, he basically "enlightened". Haha, that's e term I used on him. Cuz from the report cards he showed me, his ITE results basically was all As and distinctions. But he didin't manage to get into the top percentage so wasn't able to continue on to poly. So he went out to work and took up a part-time diploma at SP.

Our children (I'm still trying :p) are seperate entities from us. Sometimes, what we can do is to guide. But the path they decide to take it depends on them. What we perceived is wrong, may seem rite to them and vice versa. Does a person with tattoos say that person is a "pai-kia"?

I asked my hubby what would be his reaction if (and when) our kid suddenly announced he/ she is a gay/ lesbian. Would that make us love him/ her any less? I'm on neutral ground. I won't force my kid to go "straight". It is his/ her choice.

I would only ask him/ her to be careful. That, as a parent, is what I should do.

I had my fair share of quarrels and fights with my mum when I was in my teens. Swear words would fly around. My parents sometimes would quaarel in front of us too, over money etc. I hated my mum's "control" too. But as I grew older and now have my own family, I realized that they love me too but had shown it in their own way.

It can be disheartening to have ur kid treat u this way. But ur ger now is a "self-exploration" stage. Today's influence is so much different from 10, 20 years ago. We have internet, TV all sorts of media.

Give her time to learn.


Active Member
I gain more "knowledge" and wiser up when i am independent. I guess its also the friends i mix with. Well there is a risk there loh. so mag, u cant be there to mother them for the rest of their lives. Its time for them to make mistake and learn from the fall.

i have witness guys, at age of 29, crying to "her" mum that outside life is tough and cant meet sales deadline.

do u want to spoon feed her till old. in fact i do envy your daughter. i have to attend all those watever open house, collecting of results from Pri Sch to o lv. and poly all by myselfs. i witness how my fellow classmates got "mother" around. i envied them for the attention that their mum pay on them yet i find that its not going to do them good in long run.


New Member
Thanks for all the contributions again.

I thought I tried explaining that I'm guiding her not 'forcing' or 'controlling her'. Whatever I did I always ended up telling her, "think about what I've said and you decide, ok." I would deem Tomasulu's comments more acceptable. You've made a very good point, this 'smothering love'. It has not crossed my mind. Thanks very much!

Anyway, my daughter just started her Poly. She's too busy with her new life to even give me a glance. She's 17 now and I've done my best for her, even if my best is not her best. I'll continue to guide her if she's receptive, but since she's not, I'll just let go.

I'll like to concentrate on the boys. However, I'm questioning my parental style. There seems more negative feedbacks than positive ones from this site. Perhaps I've really failed as a mother.

Infact I've closed one eye eversince my daughter's outburst as I was very disullusion. Looks like I've to close 1 eye permanently so as to allow my 2 sons to fall and learn from their fall, ya?

However, I know whatever kind of mother I am, my husband would still have something nasty to say. Just like when their grades dropped recently, he said I did not coach them and so he decided not to put his salary into the joint account anymore. When a man stopped loving a woman, nothing that woman does will ever please him.

I'm seeing the counsellor to find what choices I have, not to salvage this marriage or my relationship with my daughter. Honesty,whatever I've done for my gal, the intention is to cushion her fall. If she feels she would learn better, become stronger if I just let her go thru trial and errors, then of course I've to respect her decision.

Despite having all these thoughts, fears running thru my mind, somehow I have this feeling that the most logical thing I should do now is to get a fulltime job, whether my husband make life even more difficult or not. I think if I remains a housewife, without support to discipline my children, and my finances cut, my life's actually moving backward.

I know I seems to be thinking only of myself now. But, I have put in so much for my gal and it's proven I've failed. From most teens view, I AM A SCARY MUM! I really don't have the guts or confidence to do a good motherly job anymore.

Flying a kite is not simple and it also needs a lot of courage to just stand there to watch your children fall. What if the hole they fell into is a deep deep one that has no floor? Would I live in regrets that I did not continue to try to cushion their fall?

It's always very easy to say, let them be, it's their choice. When things goes wrong, there'll always be a lot of finger pointing and feeling of guilt.

We are no longer in an era where
it's easy to get up when you fail. Do you think Singapore is the place that will allow you unlimited time to turn left, cannot, turn right, cannot, go up, cannot, go the other way? Why then is the rich, richer, the poor, poorer? what if I say out of 10, 8 fell but did not learn to be smarter? Most don't even know why they fell in the first place.

"Can study, study lor, if can't study then come out and work." No longer applies to Singapore anymore. Cannot study, even if you come out to work, you've to compete with FW. Whether life's a breeze or struggle depends on how many right turns you made, not wrongs.

Having said so much, I'm very clear about one thing, my daughter decides what kind of mother she wants me to be. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Her actions has given me the answer.

How to bring up your child is a controversy subject. While all kind of thoughts keep going round my mind, I have this small voice telling me, GET A JOB, DON'T THINK SO MUCH, LET THINGS JUST FALLS INTO PLACE!

Do you all agree?


Active Member
"I'll like to concentrate on the boys. However, I'm questioning my parental style. There seems more negative feedbacks than positive ones from this site. Perhaps I've really failed as a mother. "

well sorry, i guess you painted a scenario and i highlighted the problems. If you really, want a pat on your back, i guess a counsellor will be a better person to do it,

YES get a job, be independent and not rely on your hb. You won't know what is installed for u in the future. maybe life will improve or maybe its worst than before and u have to worry for your $.
take care.

btw i know my words may be harsh to you that its better for you to activate your pm. your children will appreciate you. just be patient.


New Member

Don't get me wrong. I've nothing against children from broken families or those with poorer academic scores. My house is just as broken and my children are not top scorers.

I mentioned because some of my daughter's friends are very bright students actually. One of them has a brother who's gifted, This girl has very high IQ herself. She and my daughter were Primary School classmates in a SAP school. Her parents both work. She hates returning to an empty house everyday and eat maggie mee. She's a pretty girl and a lonely one. During Sec 2, she started dating and has since broken up many times. Each time she and boyfriend fight, she'll sms or msn my daughter till wee hours of the night to pur out her 'suffering'. I did not stop my daughter from befriending her or consoling her, (although I AM worried her studies will be affected), as my heart goes out to this girl.

When my daughter was in Sec 3, there was one semester when my daughter's grade dived, her handphone bill shot up. I probed and she finally admitted there's mutual attraction with a boy. She got tempted as she's seen how happy her friend was when she was dating. How cool it is to have a boy walked her home. Did I stopped her? To be honest, one can't just stop this kind of thing when hormones is in the act. I just told her while she look at her friend's 'happiness', don't forget to look at her 'unhappiness' too. It good to date to add some excitment but certainly not at the expense of her studies. If she cannot balance the two, she should only choose one that will bring her to greater heights. After pondering my advice, she broke off with the boy and within just a month, this boy has another girlfriend. On hindsight, maybe these advices are what made my daughter rebel now but I hope one day whe'll see my rationale.

As for broken families. This friend of my daughter is separated from her mom, my daughter's boyfriend is also separated from his mom. My daughter often told me how bad their mothers were. Similary, these thoughts put a fear in me that she would one day become influenced that most mothers are bad. I also did not ask her to stop associating with this girl. What's the results? When my daughter left, she stayed in these 3 friend's home. Do you think they would advise her to return home or would they lead her to think she's made the right move?

I've taught my children never to look down or snub people lesser than them, even the homos (I'm neutral too). But, yes, I rather my daughter mix more with people who are positive than negative, who would bring out the good in her and not the bad.

I may not have met my daughter's friends often enough to know them, but from my daughter's constant feedbacks about what they say and do, I've an inkling if they belongs to the positive or negative force.

If you are a negative person, I can bet with you, your life will not be a bed of roses.
Hi Mag,

I think one of the most sensible statements you have made is below:


That should be your focus need financial stability most basically to do anything else, be it for your boys or for your gal, or even for yourself...

I can say as a FTWM, meeting up with some SAHMs...the world is bigger out there for FTWMs- more issues to deal with- work, home, kids, hubby, maid etc so less time for fretting (not to say you are), that's for sure...


Well-Known Member
hi Mag,

it is not recognition that really matters. it can be truly disheartening that both marriage and children are turning against you.

What's important isn't really how good parent you are OR how much they really appreciate it. Its simply wanting the best for the kid. Teens are the most ungrateful creatures around. We all went through that phase too. We were all rebellious and confrontal. There isn't much as parents can do to try and cushion their every fall. They will never learn this way. Instead, be there always, keep the communication channel open as much as possible. So that, when they are down, they can still fall back on the family. If you burn your bridges over personal pride, u will lose the kid for life.


Active Member
hi Mag.

fastest way to get back on track, is simply to find back your life again... find back yourself. u're too much of Mag the mother and Mag the wife... what happened to Mag the Person???

i'm already discounting out your husband, to me it's a foregone conclusion becos that is one man u're unlikely to have a voice with, not for the next 5yrs... not as Mag the wife.

kids-wise leave the 17yr-old to be a 17yr-old, rebellious she may seem... only thru the bad and the worst can she truly appreciate the good and the best. no point having Good children who turn bad adults once they've tasted 'Bad' in their older years...

the person u need to focus on Most - is yourself. in fact i think it will be the One factor that can correct the others and improve them.

can i be honest? - let's face it, What u lack most now is Respect... u're not getting it from your hubby nor daughter... It sounds kind of sad, but that might be a reality. u have lost your voice and your role as a mother/wife no longer quaslifies u for automatic respect. u can't demand it nor can u get it suddenly... i guess u've got to earn it back, even if it's from your kid.

i have for a Long Time, advocated that women dun lose themselves into their roles after getting attached, getting married, having kids... but this is pretty much a lost cause. whether genetic or gender, the focus seems to be lost in domestic issues for some. there Should be a balance.

i personally dun think i wanna marry and then end up with just issues on children, schoolwork etc... Prior to marriage, things are alot more exciting.. the world is Much bigger. after marriage, i think the world shrunk to just husband, children and home. - WHY?

while i can appreciate the focus, i dun appreciate the 24/7 focus. if marriage turns my gfren into a mother/maid/wife - anything other than my gfren (who is Lost Forever)... then how does one sustain one's interest?

end part 1.


Active Member
sometimes i wonder why some ladies Lament tat they bore children, is a good mum, do all the housework, but their husbands stray...

it makes me wonder if their husbands married them for kids, mother their kids and for a cleaner house...

all of us have our answers... deep down inside, i'm very certain the reasons for marriage and the roles being fulfilled NOW - are 2 opposites.

Let me indulge myself in my GENERIC view here for a minute... this will sound stereotypical, But i'll say it for the purpose of self-reflection... "seems it exist for ladies to seek relationships for 1) a husband, 2) a once-in-a-liftime wedding, 3) children before bio-clock ticks out, 4) best nurturing for kids, 5) best schools... and the work ends." i'm not sure how many older ladies noticed this... but they stopped being a gfren some time ago.

like i said, it's for self-reflection... doesn't mean everyone is guilty. but i hope it wakes some pple up. likewise, the guys should continue being a bfren, but it has to depend on the receptiveness of the ladies too.

end part 2.


New Member

I read some of your posts and I've been waiting for you to commment.

You're obsolutely right. Along the way, I've lost myself. I need to find the lost me inorder to get back my self-esteem and confidence. I know I can no longer be able to get them at home now. Without it, how can I stand tall and earn respect?

Magdalene the person, is out there in the world you mentioned, the world I shut out 11 years ago. The best thing that ever happened to me was when I was working. However, it won't be easy making that first step into the world again. I need a lot of support and encouragement which I may not get. My husband would likely make things even uglier. My children may not understand why I need to make such drastic step.

The world 11 years later is so different. Don't know where, how and who will employ me. Haiz, I need to keep reminding myself to be confident, positive, and forward looking.

I'll think of what you said when the going's tough.

Thanks so much for opening this thread.


Active Member
the saddest emotion i feel for u at this stage is not your daughter understanding u, not your hubby being nasty, it's actually that i could not have known u earlier to warn u against being so immersed in Others and forgetting yourself.

regret is a very Powerful emotion and i'll be honest, my sunday evening mood changed upon reading your post... i had nothing to say at that point, just engulfed with emotions... i dun know how to be at your crossroad and be calm, becos i am not as strong... in actual fact, u have displayed more strength than what i know i'm capable of. for that reason, i felt i had little i could have said or posted to u... i pride myself on being strong, u made me realise i would never be as strong as u.

what i can share is only my viewpoint as i can't handle my emotions with your thread. i'm just keeping it to pure methodology...

i must admit some parenting might have come across as overbearing, but your sincerity n selfless nature u conduct yourself as a homemaker more than makes up for the flaws... not many pple will see u, especially those closest to u... and that's just so dampening...

there's one thing i am Very certain of - Life doesn't end here... if u choose to seek, u will find a silver lining... Are u ready to Embark on finding the lost Mag?

end part 3.


New Member
No. I'll be very honest. I'm not ready to find the lost me. I'm very very afraid of making the 1st step into the unknown after so many years, and what the consequences would mean to my 2 boys who're still so innocent.

I also believe there are many odds against me out there with my age and qualification.

But, I know I've to take that first step. I think for a long time, and I think I'll need to return to church and get God's strength to help me. You really can't do all this alone.

What's stopping me from going back to God? HE helped me once but when I return to my husband, I left HIM. I know He'll forgive me, but I've too many emotions running in me now which from time to time makes me break down uncontrollably. I need time to calm myself before I can face HIM and the outside world.

Of course, I've to tell myself, DON'T LET THIS BECOME AN EXCUSE NOT TO FIND ME.

I'll be meeting a counsellor soon, I hope she can help me stand on my feet.


Active Member
oh i should clarify tat i'm not saying u feel regret nor should feel it... i'm just thinking that looking back in life, that's one of the most powerful emotions. and i hope u can understand it before u ever feel it... though i hope u never feel it.

u can't remind yourself to be positive... u either ARE, or u're not. convincing ourselves isn't by repeating to ourselves... it's by Realization and Adaptation.

to be honest, i dun know how to go abt Starting to find what i'm hoping u'll find... neither would i know exactly what u need to find, other than decribing in the broad-term - Yourself.

in times like these, i normally retreat into solitude and immerse myself in books, existentialism and movies... and Friends. u'll have to find the tools n aspects that makes u feel You again... dun think it can happen in days or weeks, but i think Starting is the most crucial aspect of finding what u have lost...

"what is life, if full of cares... we have no time to stand and stare..."


mag, i am not sure if having a job will solve your problems. a job is just exchanging your time and talent for a pay check. it's pretty sad if a person derive his sense of self worth or identity through that. anyway, it certainly doesn't mean you have to give up being a mum (or a wife). a job or not, what makes sense is for you to be a different kinda mum. have you ever wondered why is it that most people are closer to their friends/spouses than their parents? is it not because many parents neglect the growing independence of their children? expressing their love primarily through constant nagging, teaching, disciplining, making and undertaking decisions on behalf of their children (and then nag some more). they justify such bad behaviors on the account of their good intentions. let me tell you, if good intentions are all we need, we'd all be good parents.

if you haven't developed a closeness with your daughter by now, you are probably not going to. sad, i know but hey... what can you do? if you still want a relationship with her, you will have to have it (increasingly) on her terms. respect and humility are key because if you respect her and understand your own inadequacies, you won't be so presumptuous in offering your advice.


Well-Known Member

"is it not because many parents neglect the growing independence of their children?"

I think that is only half the equation. The other part is because the young ambitious and individualistic mind is too self centered and naive. Its sad but true, that many go on to let personal pride get in between the relationship with our closest family members. With maturity, some will grow to learn to accept and appreciate our parents for what they are. But, its not common that bridges got burned beyond reconcilation.


some things have to give. parents have the greater responsibility of adjusting their parenting styles to accommodate the energy and naivety of youthful exuberance. after all, parents were teenagers once and have the benefit of experience, maturity and understanding.


New Member
Hi magdalene,

reading yr thread makes me relect on my current life too. i think i may end up like u at some point in time.

im a hsewife in late thirties, with 3 chdren. my husband sounds like yours, always looking down on me. watever i do is wrong in his eyes. he even got involved with his secretary and if not discovered by me, dont know when they will stop. even now, he's being sneaky, im not sure if he's still in contact with her. but im tired of checking on him cos im not sure if i can handle the truth anymore. im drawing strength from my children and GOD, pray everyday for my husband to come around even as i start formulating an exit strategy.

reading abt yr plight, makes me realise i shud start doing something NOW too. my eldest son has started to show symptoms of rebelion, like not wanting to do his homework. then my husb wud often ridicule me in front of the kids, telling them not to listen to their stupid mother. i feel very hurt and sad, very sad. i always ask myself, wat can i do to salvage this situation?? how do i make my husb turn around? how do i convince my husb that we as parents need to be cohesive rather than divisive? that we shud show good examples to them so that they will respect us as parents?

to think that my husb is a filial son. that was wat drew me to him at the beginning of our relationship. i contemplated divorce when i discovered his infidelity, but changed my mind when he promised to end it. i thought things will get better, that he wud treat me nicer. but i was so wrg. his attitude is still the same, even more audacious cos now he screams at me for no reason. every attempt to talk to him will invite more screams until i just shut up, cos i know the kids are scared of his screaming. im also embarrassed to the maid and neighbours. so many questiones in my mind, why wud he do that? wat hv i done to deserve all these? will i ever see a happy ending?

wat is the point of staying under 1 roof if ther's no communication? now im thinking of sleeping in separate room cos im really very angry with him. above all, im angry wih myself for letting him treat me like dirt. i wish i could just walk out and not turn back. but my chdn are still young, the youngest is barely 2. so i can only suffer silently and pray to God everyday.

Magdalene, as fellow christian, i wud encourage u to seek GOD, no need to wait for opportune moment. just let Him take charge of our lives and believe that He will deliver us out from darkness. i will pray for u. take care.


New Member
Hi Dorothy,

Thanks so much for your concern. When a man stopped loving his wife, he'll think of ways and means to justify his actions. My husband recently told my children that he gave me so much monthly allowance, yet they are so skinny. He complained no fish. He said he's going to email me about taking over the marketing money, which form bulk of the family allowance. If I can save, it's from there.

So, today I bought red snapper fillet (tail part)which cost me $20 from the wet market, to steam for dinner. The 3 children and him only managed to finish slighly more than a quarter. Reason is fish, is never a favorite with this family! As it is very expensive, I usually just buy fish for the 3 children's lunch once a week.

What my husband want is just an excuse to reduce the family allowance. He's also refused to foot the children's tuition. He wants me to draw from our joint account. I guess he's trying to grow his own personal savings while depleting the savings in our joint account so that I'm left with nothing eventually.

My husband travels regularly out of Singapore, so it is also not difficult for him to slash away his savings in other countries.

What can I do other than find a part-time job (unsucessfully so far, haiz). Deep in my heart I know that my husband is waiting for the boys to reach their teens before he stop all financial support for me. He wouldn't care if I stay or leave. I've a feeling he won't divorce too as he would not want to split his assets with me, who has nothing.

I'm speaking to my daughter again. I told her I'll respect her wish to be left alone, but if she ever needs help or get into any trouble, I'm just a phone call away. I don't want to be her mummy anymore, I just want to be a friend.

I told my boys no tuition is not end of the world, but giving up is. Without tuition, they can still succeed if their will is strong. I told them they must be like balls, bounce back when hit!

I read toyisme's contribution and yes, an outlet is very important. I've always wanted to help out at one of those home for the aged, to cheer the 'abandoned ones'. When you help others, you forget your own troubles.

I also yearn to hold a job and be independent.

But now, I'm still stuck at stage 1, getting a job. Other plans just has to be on hold....


Active Member
hi magdalene,

glad to know that u & ur girl r back on talking terms again
... and do not lose hope, just like what u told ur boys never to give up... u r moving in the rite direction, stay positive.


New Member
Hi, been absent from this forum for 3 years. Sort of went into my shell, haiz. Here's an update on my situation for those interested.

I took on 1 part-time job, but eventually gave up as my 2 sons results dive and their interest in study wanes. I just can't let go of them. My husband became more and more vuglar and hit me once. He also hit my boys and use vuglarities on them. Even if he's with the kids, he hardly talked to them. He's either busy smsing or chitchatting online. My sons told me he's has the habit of chatting up salegirls, waitresses and even stared at women. My sons dont really respect him anymore and tried to void going out with him on weekends. My husband ended up spending more time alone with hi hp and laptop and has become more withdrawn.

He continues to badmouth me to the boys and started making me pay for almost everything with the family allowance he provided. When he sided with the maid and wanted to pass the housekeeping money to her to handle, I saw it as undermining my position in the house, and sacked the maid. Till now, I refuse to hire another maid and has been juggling with cooking and housework. For fear that I would not cook or wash for him, he continued to pay me and stop making things difficult. But he would he purposely mess up the house, throw things around, dirty the dinning table with his food, smoke at home and was un-coperative in closing windows or changing lightbulbs. Our wooden flooring has popped and cubboard damaged due to rain water coming in, but he'll till not co-operate. I have to spend more time tidying and waiting for him to retire to bed after 12am, to close the windows.

He emailed me sometime beginning last year that he'll proceed with divorce after my youngest son finished his PSLE end of this year.

Unfortunately, in Jan this year he was terminated! But alas, th whole family suffers with him! He refused to let go his 1800 cc car and instead spend another $5000 repairing on 2 occasion, one b4 he loses his job and 2nd time after. Now his car aircon is also spoilt. His car instalment is already $900+ every month! But, the first expenses he cut is the family allowance from $3700 to now $2000, and he stopped giving my daughter her $200 monthly allowance.

My daughter is working part-time now and I'm looking for a full-time job.

My problem is: he told the boys if he can't get a job, he'll sell our 5-rm HDB flat jointly owed by us, he'll go overseas to do business (presumely China as his job took him there often), and we can rent a room ourselves. Now, he's 50 wheras I'm 48. I gave up a well-paid job as Secretary 13 years ago at his request, as he wanted to have a peace of mind to forcus on building up his caareer. He travelled extensively. At that time, he gave me an allowance equivalent to my last drawn monthly pay, and put all his salary into a joint account. He also gave me credit cards and paid for my mums needs from time to time. 3 years ago, while the allowance remains (the amount has never changed since 13 years ago), his salary no longer goes into the joint account and he kept trying ways and means to make me paid for additional items from the joint account. My friend suspect he's trying to deplete the amount. He stopped paying my visa bills, even my hp charges of $16, tagged to his name all these 22 years of marriage, was removed.

At our age, he's got $208,000 in his CPF whereas I only have $500. He's get back $344,185.00 if we sell our flat, whereas I only get back about $120,000 and I need to house the children. How am I to afford nothing flat? Therefore, I'm not in favour of a divorce. However, I am now worried that he might dumped the family, esp when he turns 55, because he can withdraw $82,000, after putting aside $131,000, or if he decides to live permanetly overseas, he might denounce his citizenship and take all his CPF monies.

Therefore, I need to get a lawyer advice on whether I should divorce him instead b4 he turns 55 as I know CPF is part of matrimonial asset but I am not sure once he turned 55, whether the minimum sum of $131,000 will be locked in, or continues to be part of matrimonial asset.

I am very actively looking for a job nd need to see the lawyer asap before I start work. But, with the $2000 given to me now to spend on a household of 5, I am already facing difficulties making ends meet. I cannot afford to pay $200-$300 for n hour with a lawyer, therefore I'm seeking anyone's help to recommend me a lawyer who doe not charge for 1st consultation. Any feedback will be appreciated.


Erm i thought u post this passage somewhere already and someone gave u the hp number of a lawyer tat dun charge for 1st consultation???


Well-Known Member
wow... very long msg. didn't read through. but frankly... at 47, u think about next 40 yrs. I'm not even sure I will be alive 40 yrs from now.