How do you know that he is the ONE (to marry)?

[jgkc18]

I have been asking myself many times and won't be surprised if my bf asks himself this question too. We have had several arguments over the same problems but find it difficult to come to a consensus. As much as I do not wish to divulge much personal info on a public domain, I just want to know how do you girls (or guys) know if he or she is the one to marry?

I know that no couples will face a flawless (i.e. no conflicts) relationship but how do you weigh and balance this vs a lifetime partner? Are we supposed to accept that all couples will fight (but over the same issue seems wrong?) and just move on and continue in the relationship or are we supposed to take a step back and reconsider everything? I'm now confused if we should move ahead or just reconsider or worse come to worse, end everything?

 

[theelf]

hi @jgkc18 , sorry to hear that your problems are affecting your relationship.

Personally for me, I've had problems too and they are usually about the same issues. I'm usually non confrontational but because the relationship matters to me and I want it to work so bad, even if it's difficult, i will flag out the issues that really matter to me so he knows and then we talk about it. Sometimes, the issues cannot be solved and I just decide to give him time and wait for the moment to come for me to bring it up again because it matters to me that we both grow in our relationship in the healthy way we wanna grow without inhibiting each other. Whilst some issues cannot be solved, i try to let him know it is important to me and I believe slowly he can see why. It can be tiring to fight about the same things but ultimately, if you both have the same goals and know the common place you want to be, you can try working your way there. I once had a recurring problem with my fiancé thay bothered us a lot. In the end, I felt it was hindering our rs so I told him that I cannot see us building our relationship on uno stackos, taking each block from the foundation towards a higher ground and risking it all. He then understood how serious it was and made the same choice I did when I told him that, which is to always choose us no matter how difficult. We are ultimately 2 different people and we will always have our differences. He is not perfect and so am I. It is a choice we have to make to lead the life we want and I want both of us to be happy because if he loves me, he will need me to be happy so he will be too. I know he is the one I want to marry because despite the issues we have, I see myself with him no matter what happens. Even when we hv problems, I can't think of any solution but to work it through and I believe we can have a happy life together. It's this gut feeling buried deep down under any insecurities or issues I might have.

I don't think you should just move on ignoring the problems you have. Maybe you can have a serious talk with him to discuss how this issue is hindering your relationship and it makes you lose faith. You might want this to work but losing hope is a scary thing, it eats away your confidence for your future together. Most couples do fight once in a while but if it's a huge fundamental issue that will affect the foundation of your relationship, I don't think you should ignore it. I wish you all the best! If you cover all grounds to make sure you don't do anything you regret, then Im sure you'll make the right call

 

[jgkc18]

@theelf thank u for ur advice

I don't know if we can ever try to have a serious talk about it. I find it difficult to communicate with him because when we thrash things out with our different mentalities (that's how conflicts occur anyway), we tend to get defensive and the fight would happen again. Sometimes I find myself in a love-hate relationship and I always have to ask myself if this occurs to other couples as well. I always start to wonder if this is normal.

And yes, the problems are fundamental issues that affects the foundation of any relationship. Because of that, I am worried. In fact, we are both worried. Things will only get more complicated if we continue to be like that and settle down with a marriage. Let's not even get to the kids part yet.

By the way, I really like your 'uno stackos' analogy

 

[theelf]

@jgkc18 you're welcome. thanks!

Perhaps you might wanna try writing a letter? Not sure if it will work but that's what I did because I knew he couldn't really listen if we talked about it face to face. So I wrote everything down while he read it in front of me ( of course I wrote stuff like: i really want us to work out, i love you etc in the letter so he knows Im trying to iron out our issues for both our sakes). Might help with the communication part!

 

[icemafia]

If you cannot have a heart to heart conversation or reach out to your the other half.....then no need to go further.

Chop sign he she is not the one.

It is OK to fight....to disagree...agree to disagree....to have individual quirk or manners which drives each other up the walls.

But if you cant communicate then drop it....Yes he she will be the One....the One to hurt you.

 

[buddhabar]

If you cannot have a heart to heart conversation or reach out to your the other half.....then no need to go further"
Totally agreed on this. No communication , that's the end of everything.
But whether the party is willing to communicate is a different matter altogether.

 

[imcoffeelover]

i face the same issue also... sometimes i am not sure my gf is really the one i want to marry. I believe we all need to reevaluate the relationship and think if this person is someone we will want to spend my life with. With regards to arguments etc, i do get that too. What i try to do is to communicate on it and try to reach a compromised solution which is acceptable by both and then we govern that line, such that no one breach/steps across that line.

No one is perfect hence i believe that despite all these problems, we shld always choose ourselves(the relationship) if there is love. We should probably not let those problems over ride the love between the couple.

 

[shavaine]

I don't think it is possible to know that he/she is the one to marry. Afterall, the people you have met is a very tiny sampling of all the eligible men/women out there. I think the first big thing is compatibility. You need to be able to see eye to eye on major life decisions and have similar principles. Of course there are some couples whom you see and think that they are so different in character, but I think no matter what, there has to be some strand of commonality that holds them together, if not the relationship will not work. The second thing to settling down is the timing of the phase of life that you are in. Some people may be very compatible, but they reach the part of their lives when they are ready to settle down at different times, and as such break off. For a marriage to work, the couple has to have a common base and evolve through the different parts of their lives in phase with each other. I think that if you meet someone whom you share common things with and you both are ready to settle down at the same time, even though you may not perceive that person as the person you love the most when you compare if with your other relationships, I think the relationship will work out.

 

[nudieposh]

a relationship is not about 1 person. it's about 2. a relationship grows with time and as this moves on, the couple must also move and grow together with time. in order to first want to settle down, you need your partner to be on the same page as you. does he also want to settle down? have kids and start a family together? do you see him as a role model for your kids in future?

every couple fights. but we should always have a closure of the fight before we go to bed, and wake up the next day without holding grudges for each other.

also ask yourself, if there are things tt just can't be iron out and u need to take a step back for e rship to move on.. ask yourself, are u willing to take a step back for the particular matter for the rest of your life??

have a good talk and dont give in so easily. good luck.

 

[verysadguy]

The answer is "You would never know". Humans can change so marriage is always a gamble. You win big if you find the one. You lose big if you cannot do so. No need to ask yourself this question.