How can I get over?

sky5

New Member
Me and my ex breakoff one year back, we both not able to get over and we met up a few times but ended up no where after each meet up. During this one year, i realise I really dont understand whats in his mind, each time after meet up, he seems like vanish into the air and not responsing to my sms. This keep me wonder why..I remember my last sms to him is " I dont understand what in your mind and I just wonder why you vanish into air after each meet up?" and i also sms him not to contact me anymore.

Few months later, we happen to meet and thing happen after that.. i got to know this one year, he family has been trying to patch him back with his ex and he even went on holiday wif her. He told me nothing happen bet them and I trusted him. He told me I am the one in his heart but he cannot be with me cause of his family presure.
Many things happent during past few months, he keep coming back saying want to be with me but after few days change his mind and reason is he cannot overcome the pressure from his family and he dont want to make them sad but dont he feel bad to keep making me sad?

I was very very sad to know all the details and I slim down by 6-7kgs.

I was very disappointed with him and i stop contacting him but abt 2 months later, he sms me saying he is feeling down cos of work etc and hope can meet up with me to talk.. again, I went but condition is only talk abt work issue. After this knowing he is feeling down, we keep contact almost everyday but I wonder am I doing thing to hurt myself again??

I know I am stupid for being so soft-hearted but its the feeling the still holding me back.

I am lost and wonder why i keep giving him chance? WHy cant I just let go of this relationship?
 


sky5

New Member
No he did not ask for another chance, only mention he is gladful with the trust that I had with him.

He told me "lets keep it slow" ...to me is contact as fren but I keep asking myself, I really can contact him as fren? Ended up I will hurt myself again knowing he is so weak, dont even have the courage to be with the one he love.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Then take it slow. What is the big hurry? I am sure there are other things you can keep yourself busy with. Don't revolve your life around one person whether or not you are with him. You sound like you are quite obsessed with him or the whole idea of being with him.

People take time to change. If you want to see change in him, you can't be stingy on your time.
 

sky5

New Member
Thanks for your advise.. i really hope I can wake up from that idea too.. mayb you are right. Whats the rush?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Honestly, you need time too to deal with some bitterness in you. You still hate him for sucuumbing to family pressure and giving up on you one year ago, and now for being iffy about things. If you can't and don't let go of the negative feelings or unable to take an unfavourable outcome that might be, it would be best not to explore any possibility with him again. Why, because you won't enjoy the relationship this way.

And remember one thing, being back together one year after breaking up is rather drama like and pretty romantic. You may find you love each other even more, but old issues remain. Can you deal with that?

How big hearted you want to be is all up to you.
 

sky5

New Member
you pointed out what inside my heart, I hated him for giving up our relationship due to family & only consider their feelings and not my..

the fear is inside me all the time..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Sky, the fear inside you is something that he can't take away today because he hasn't dealt with the objection from family. That is why he hasn't asked for that chance to be together, and God knows if he would ever ask. On the other hand, you will have to slowly let go of the fear inside you. I am not saying that your fear is not valid. I know it is very real, but watch that you don't let it send you to paranoia, much less to cripple you from achieving in other aspects of life.

I have been through quite a few relationships and even a marriage that didn't work. Emotionally it can be very tempting to reconcile with an ex-partner because of familiarity and residual feelings, etc. Well, I never once made the act of going back to an ex-partner knowing well that old issues remained, even though at some points I probably almost did. I gathered that if we had been able to resolve the issues that dividied us in the first place, we wouldn't have chosen to go our separate ways.

On relationship, I will never take the hard road, again. Not because I am a fair weather person having been through what I had been through. It's just a personal conviction that there is no need to.
 

missszesze

New Member
What i feel is tat, u should consider the long run, the future.. will you able to accept how his family will treat you even tho he fought his way to be with you eventually. There will be lots of hurdles along the way and will he be able to handle all those later?

love urself..
take care..
 

soontobe

Member
My gf encountered something similar to yours years back...except that she has a very supportive bf.

Her hubby (bf then) broke off with a long-time gf (family fren somemore) to be with my gf...The guy's family (esp the dad) objected to the new relationship and refused to meet my gf. Furthermore, they kept persuading the guy to patch back with the ex-gf, and kept inviting the ex-gf to all family outings/gatherings.

Luckily, the guy took a very strong stand and after 1-2 years of relationship, he proposed to my gf. Still the family refused to acknowledge this relationship and claimed that they won't attend the wedding.

My gf and hubby went ahead to prep a simple wedding, chose and renovated their lovenest, and shifted in once the new place was done up.

All these while, the guy's mum had started to slowly slowly accept my gf.

2 weeks before the wedding, the guy's father finally decided to give in and accepted my gf into the family. In the end, it was a much wedding celebration for the 2 families.

Today, my gf and hubby are the proud parents of a 3mths old baby.

Sky5, you need to be very sure that your bf can be very decisive and strong enough to take his stand before you patch back with him...or else, pls move on...I always feel women tend to be more emotional, and less likely to move onto a new relationship if the current one is still dangling there......

If both of you decide to patch back, then be prepared for a tough battle ahead. It may not be immediate acceptance, but it will take a lot of efforts from both of u to convince the families that u r right for each other....

Good luck.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Sky, just want to add that the more you want to have things under control or work for you, the worse you will feel. So, try not to be so hung up on this. Divert your attention to other things. It can be the company of other men, friends, work, activities or anything that's worth your time.
 

powder

Active Member
sky5,

why do u empower your happiness to a person who is not decided about u? is there a reason to do that when u are not getting what u might want?

there's gonna be a few things here that u need to share if u are really intent on fighting to be together... but do note this - u are fighting alone.

he isn't gonna be the guy to elope with u rite? so pls be honest with yourself that he may love u, but it isn't as strong as u want for overcoming difficulties.

now... are u giving him chances that he wants? or are u Freely giving chances becos u are unable to let go? This is something u have to be very honest with yourself...

personally, i find a majority of girls constantly giving chances becos they Want and Need to give the chance... if i could speak to the guy, i am pretty sure only a few of the guys actually want a chance... the rest dun really care.

if u wanna get over things, 1st step is Honesty with yourself... manage that, and u can manage any relationship.
 

shirleypoise

New Member
My opinion is that if he REALLY wants to get back tog w u, nothing can stop him. We aren't living in the Romeo&Juliet kinda times, u know.. how much does his family dislike u such that they would object to the relationship??

Is he just leading u on right now?? Cuz there's no one else at the moment??

We all know it's impossible not to think about it, but we also know that there's nothing u can do about it other than to make that decision that it's not possible to patch back anymore. Thus I agree with doll, get involve with other activities in your life. U are officially NOT his gf anymore at this point in time, so no need wait around for him.
 

littlekiddy

New Member
Love yourself. Dun waste ur time on tis xxxx selfish guy. He juz fooling u coz of ur kindness.

Its better to have loved & lost, than never to have lost at all.

Hope you will find ur true Love soon..

Smile..
happy.gif
happy.gif
 

sky5

New Member
Bunny, I would say its the same as Soon-to-be's gf, his family just prefered him to be wif his ex than me and they keep asking his ex to attend all family activities for the past one year even till now...
 

sky5

New Member
thanks all for your advise.. actually i am very clear that I should love myself and what is the right path that I should move. Problem is I just refuse to face it and move on... Which I am trying very hard now...

I hope I will get over soon and find the one that meant for me..praying hard
 

tomasulu

Member
simple answer is that you feel better with him than without him. and he is a walking marie france. that has to count for something.
 

powder

Active Member
haha, tat was actually my first thought... many girls dun mind being with a guy to lose 6-7kg even for a short period... that's the biggest plus-point thus far...

anyway losing weight/loss of appetite over relationships aren't endearing stuff... perhaps only on the tele - which loves to depict the person not eating and being listless... so as to emphasize on 'the extent of the love' for the viewers to see.

maybe i'm cynical... but i dun see myself being motivated to love a person more, or 'extra'... who loses appetite and sleep over me... it's inconsequential to a longterm view of a relationship.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Weight loss is a bonus. So much can be done starting from there. Get yourself pretty again and start going out. You will get to know new interesting people, and before you know it, you may be starting a new chapter in life.

Not exciting meh?

I always look forward to this phase after a break-up. I know I will get there. Just have to give myself bit of time to move along.

Don't be afraid of break-up, especially necessary break-ups.
 

janie_wawa

New Member
"Weight loss is a bonus. So much can be done starting from there. Get yourself pretty again and start going out. You will get to know new interesting people, and before you know it, you may be starting a new chapter in life." & putting on the 7kgs again. hahahahaha

if only i can lose tat much wt over a man...hahaha :p my hub oni helped to add more kgs for me instead of motivating me to shed the kgs....damn..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Just trying to look at the positive side of things lol. Not a bad thing mah.

I want to keep my recent weight loss so I can have the excuse to buy new jeans hehe.
 

janie_wawa

New Member
doll, yes indeed we have to look at it positively! most imptly is how to maintain after shedding those wts leh...how u do it ah doll?
 

janie_wawa

New Member
doll, i oso got tat kind of desire!! but its not helping/working at all!!!!!!!

as i type...im feeling so hungry...haha
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
OK, me more vain then hehe

But seriously, I eat more meals but less food each meal. I still eat supper one lor (how not to when I like to stay up late at night)...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
weight and health don't always go in hand.

Muscles are alot heavier than fat. One pound of lean muscle is really small as compare the big lump of fat. One can weigh lesser by losing muscle mass but continue to have flab all over. So, why so concerned over the scale? One can lean up while gaining some weight. Just stay active and healthy. Isn't that more important?
 

janie_wawa

New Member
milo, yes i noe abt tat...muscles weigh heavier than fats.......

thing is i got no muscles so it has to be ALL fats...

milo gives mi a feeling tat he is very health conscious... :p juz a feeling...hehe
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Janie,

i just don't bother about my weight. (Give up long time liao) Periods that I exercise hard for months, i probably weigh around the same as when I'm flabby and lazy for yrs.

All the BMI thingy is really crap for me. Based on that, I'm overweight most of my life including NS training days. I gained some 4kg in army. The mirror doesn't lie, I clearly see where the big lumps of fats are. Regardless if I lost weight or not. The only time I was not overweight based on BMI was when I sustained a crash diet of 6 months going on1 meal daily.

Everyone has muscles. Just not big and hard, so, its less visible. When we starve ourselves, we lose these muscles. Before you know it, you will realize u can do less exercise and the strength lost is significant one. I started feeling weak and fainting spells before I realized its serious.
 

janie_wawa

New Member
tats weird...u actually gain wt during NS days???

i start feeling weak n getting dizzy when i m jogging...tats y i can nv slim down...sibeh weak..to tink tat i used to be in the sch team for basketball..
 

ordinaryworld

New Member
His parents dont seems to think much of you. What's wrong with you that made them think this way? They must have think that you are a worthless piece of junk and thats why they even object their son of going steady with you
 

sky5

New Member
nothing wrong with me..I am prefectly normal. Its he who has a weird family who refuse to accept to changes in life..thats wat i told him and he admitted.

Anyway, I think i have enough from him... I would rather be alone for now rather to live in fear everyday..

Its time to close this door and wait for another door to be open..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"nothing wrong with me..I am prefectly normal. Its he who has a weird family who refuse to accept to changes in life..thats wat i told him and he admitted."

I think he is weirder one for letting his family do that to him. If he can't stop his family, he could at least try telling the ex-gf not to accept any invitation from his family or to boycott the family events altogether since no one really show him any respect.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Its time to close this door and wait for another door to be open."

So right. The forest or ocean is actually quite big, teeming with choices. Time to explore.....
 

skycloud

New Member
sky, asked urself at the end what u can get from this r/s? honestly he only giving all kind of excuses because of ur kindness. Guys are selfish and heartless when they initiated the broke off. don't trust him so easily. leavingit half-open wun help, this is true. Like me, keep begging my ex to comeback to me. I totally lost myself and also get into depression. I din't really make my mind and so hard to move on. For the past few mths, i totally living in the hell. He betrayed our r/s in the 1st place, bt i still wanted to with him. silly right, love is blind sometime. No matter how hard i begged him, love him, all i get was the hurt and tears again. What i am doing nw? i am sick of this kind of feeling, tired and torturing. 2day newspaper is talk abt depression, i noe is quite common nowadays but the depression reli make u feel lousy and heavy. i am hoping time can past fast and walk out from depression..
 

yeodisney

New Member
Skycloud

I went thru the same situation as you and can understand how u feel. He also betrayed me. Guys are really heartless when they initiate the break off. They dun care how you feel or whether you go into depression. I went thru this period and managed to step out of it thru kind advise from friends. Hope you can also do it soon. Take care.
 

natasha22

New Member
in my case..he hooked up with his manager.. it sucks..but yeah... harsh reality..then hes been texting me last week...knowing how i am..then been sending messages on me on messenger..well i havent totally moved on..but i dont want to stay in this position any longer...im going out with someone now... and i want to start things new..as for the moment..im just trying to spend my time to look better.anyway there are a lot of persons to meet ..i saw an site giving away free treatments its here http://sg.88db.com/sg/Discussion/Discussion_reply.page/88DB_Interact/?DiscID=37309
and if ever he would text me to come back to him??
i dont know.. maybe not anymore..i dont want to be in that position again. and i would want to give opportunities to other persons who would want to care
 

60secs

Member
in my case..he hooked up with his manager.. it sucks..but yeah... harsh reality..then hes been texting me last week...knowing how i am..then been sending messages on me on messenger..well i havent totally moved on..but i dont want to stay in this position any longer...im going out with someone now... and i want to start things new..as for the moment..im just trying to spend my time to look better.anyway there are a lot of persons to meet ..i saw an site giving away free treatments its here http://i_want_to_infect_your_PC_with_virus.com
and if ever he would text me to come back to him??
i dont know.. maybe not anymore..i dont want to be in that position again. and i would want to give opportunities to other persons who would want to care
 

tan33a

New Member
eh, how come now everywhere got SPA advertisements huh?? lol. read from top to bottom, end with spa ad. geez.. haha..
 

skycloud

New Member
disney, totally agreed when i told him i sink into depression need to c doc, take medicine and even injection. he don't really care anymore. or he can't do anything. to them r/s really a game?? i shldn't step into this game as i am not a gd player. at the end, i suffered alot from depression which causing my mood swing, panic, frustated,cry. i really tired to cope my emotion
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Skycloud, to be fair, did your ex ask you sink into depression after the break-up? No mah. You took the heartbreak MUCH HARDER than you should. You grew the problem into a size MUCH LARGER than your life itself. Don't you think you ought to take some responsibility over how your life had turned out with the turn of events?
 

powder

Active Member
it seems to me that some pple remains uneducated abt relationships n love...

i mean if u have sex without condom, there's a risk of pregnancy...

if u go into relationships, there's risk of heartbreaks...

when u work, there's risk of unemployment...

are we so bloody spoilt that we only wanna Win without risk?

ok so u had depression and u're sad and this and that... but it's really up to us how we get out of it Without expectations from the party that broke up with us rite?

if he break up and he's super nice... AsIf u'll feel better... u'll be feeling shitty cos u get mixed signals and tell yourself that he still cares for u... so what is it? tat's the freakin problem with the kind of contradictions that pple face, yet they act blur...

too much tv... some pple breakup, they must act like in the serials... lose sleep, lose appetite and dun wanna see anyone... that's fine for days or weeks, but drag for months n months? Who's Watching??? who cares? life goes on... not just for u but for everyone...

some pple just have this tendency to stop life and focus on their hurt, and expect everyone to get involved... we're only the main lead in our own stories... others have their own stories to lead... and that includes ex-bfrens and gfrens... or also spouses.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Powder has hit the nail on the head.

I like to add that, how we feel much depends on our interpretations of what is happening to us and around us; not so much what occurs, but how we define the events and respond that determines how we feel. You feel lost because you believe you have lost your ability to choose those behaviours that will make you happy.

When you understand this, you will be able to choose how you want to respond to a heartbreak. I am not saying that you will not grieve or feel unaffected. Even when I was the one to initiate a break-up, I felt sad and needed time to pick myself up. You will treat it as a way of life, a lesson learned or whatsoever, instead of believing that the end of the world is here.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Think again, this heartbreak that has happened to you is not unique to you. Who hasn't had their heart broken before? And have you not broken a heart previously?

Like we have all said, it's OK to grieve when we feel the pain and take time to get out of grief. But you cannot hold on to those pain feelings longer than necessary.
 


powder

Active Member
can i answer on behalf?

cos this is the part i normally get the "u're not in my shoes u won't understand" bit... hehe

sometimes it's better to take a lighter appraoch... not everything can cripple life, and certainly not relationships... take it in your stride that it's the heavens preventing a disastrous marriage and someone better will appear... not so difficult if u have a more positive outlook...
 

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