Hope for reconcilation after marital separation...

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cornelia_luv

New Member
Dear All,

I'm going through a really tough time. I'm with my HB for 3.5 years and married for 2. We have no kids in the marriage. HB moved out 2 months ago and decided to separate within a week. We only had one phone conversation after he moved home. I have no choice but to respect his decision and sign the DOS. We have not been contacting ever since. Till now, i'm still coming to terms with the fact that he is no longer here anymore.

He explain to me that he have been tolerating my bad temper, my laziness and the way we physically fought each other when we argue (that's cause he verbally abuse me at times) He told me that he cannot stand the fact that i have been lying to him consistently. What happen was he found out that i have been going to pubs with my friends (he was out drinking with his friends as well) and also the fact that a guy friend actually express interest in getting to know me better (but i rejected the guy of coz)

I did a lot of reflecting and think about what went wrong with me and the marriage itself. I went to counseling to understand the situation more and am trying my best to control my temper. I am thankful that my parents are there to give me emotional support throughout this period of time and because of that i have been much closer to them that i ever have been before.

I seriously have no idea what he's thinking and i didn't make the effort to contact him cause i know i will only sound pushy and needy. He still have a whole bunch of items at my place. (only took those he needs back home) I feel as though it's hanging there and i don't know if i should put so much hope that we'd ever reconcile.
 


J

jonah_jo

New Member
Hi Cornelia

Give him some time to cool down. Seems like the last thing he want to do right now is to see you.

Perhaps he might give the relationship a second chance after he's alone. It'll be good if you can prove to him that you've changed for the better like maintain the flat well and clean up your lifestyle.

But why did you lie to him about clubbing in the first place? He doesn't like it?
 
C

cornelia_luv

New Member
Hi Jonah,

The reason why i did not tell him that i went pubs with my friends was because i know he didn't like the fact that i go to this type of places although he went to pubs as well.

I've learn that in a relationship, you have to be honest with each other all the time.
 
D

drained

New Member
Hi Cornelia

I am facing the same situation as you. My Husband has sinced moved out. He wants me to sign the DOS but i refused. Have been hoping for miracle but i know i couldnt force him as well. Past 3 months, i have really put aside my pride in asking him back. But he was very determined on the separation. Can on your PM? Would like to PM you.
 
M

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Cornelia,

I think it is better this way, you are better off with a hubby who is more open-minded and can accept his wife visiting pubs.

Traditional hubbies prefer their working wives to tend to their kids, handle the household and have hobbies like reading books, watching movies.

Lunch or dinner appointments with friends will be in a cafe, restaurant or hawker centre, but definitely not pubs or disco.

Do you think you can accept the above lifestyle?
 
miloice

miloice

Well-Known Member
its more than traditional. He has issues accepting and respecting you for who you are and sticking to his own expectation of what a wife should be.

Be it traditional or not, mutual respect is needed.
 
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icygal

Member
Being the husband or wife, respect each other is most important. I always believe you can't change another person to the one that you HOPE for. Relationship / Marriage don't work that way.
 
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lovingyou

New Member
Agreed with Milo: mutual respect is needed and I dun kinda of agree with the fact on the mentality whereby we have to lie as we afraid our partners dun kinda of like it / the things that we are doing. Yes, mutual honesty is needed as I believe we will be more upset upon the unbreaking of the lies, be it a white lie or otherwisse. Cornelia: Give him some quiet time and think through with a calm mind on what he wants; probably he had been taking in his stride for a period of time and it had exceeded his tolerance level. Allow both of you to have some quiet time, if he is meant to be yours, he will certainly be back.
 
A

applepie2

New Member
Yes, I agree telling lies is foolish. One's may think is ok to lie to prevent trouble/conflict but it will be even more worst when truth surface in itself. Is better to respect the spouse enough to be honest. Constant lies only cause a great gap between & give birthed to more distrust.
 
C

cornelia_luv

New Member
Albee: Reason why i went to pubs was coz he went pubs as well and i got pretty sick of waiting at home till wee hours in the morning, the only thing is i did not tell him the truth. When he found out he was disappointed that i did not tell him the truth. I personally do not like to go to night spots as i'm a more homely person. I can accept the 'traditional' lifestyle you were talking about. Having said that, it is wrong for me to pay tit for tat when he goes to pubs and i just do the same to get back at him..

icy_baby: throughout the period with my counselor and the period alone, i understand we cannot change our partner to whom we want them to be but to accept them as who they are. =)

littlewoman: Yes, my family members told me to leave him alone since we already sign the DOS. It's really up to him now since i'm always ready to sit down and talk things out. Even if i want to salvage the marriage, it takes 2 hands to clap and i can't do it alone.
 
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sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Yes, my family members told me to leave him alone since we already sign the DOS. It's really up to him now since i'm always ready to sit down and talk things out. Even if i want to salvage the marriage, it takes 2 hands to clap and i can't do it alone."

Cornelia, you have the right attitude.
 
C

cornelia_luv

New Member
Hi doll,

Though you mentioned that i have the right attitude, my emotions and feelings still heightens and fluctuates every now and then. I guess only time will tell and heal all wounds.
 
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lovingyou

New Member
Cornelia: we can't say / reject our feelings towards those we love/used to love that easily; dun insist on forgetting, it will make things worse.. use the time to find back yourself, love yourself and you will realise that time will heal the wound eventually.
 
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shirleypoise

New Member
Cornelia, dun be too anxious in getting rid of the emotions and feelings. You are but human. And there is really nothing much that you can do since he's the one who chose to walk out of the marriage.

Rather take this time to start a new life for yourself. Reflect on the r/s and learn from it.
 
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faith23

New Member
Cornelia,
It will take a while to heal I believe you had already know what is wrong with you and also willing to improve yourselves. Do this for yourselves and not anyone else. During this period you may want to take up some relax courses, meeting up your friends, spend time with your family who can give u the support, do something which you feel confident of yourselves to fill up your free times. To be happy is a choice...
Hope that helps for you.
 
C

cornelia_luv

New Member
Hi guys,

Thanks for the concern. I'm getting back on my feet though i still think of him most of the time daily. I'm still holding hopes in this marriage - i don't know if i should. My parents tell me constantly that my change will affect him coming back. Then again, i know i have to change for myself instead for him.

Do you think i should wait for his return? Or you guys think that i am waiting for something that will never come back?
 
tomasulu

tomasulu

Member
it is more than the lies. it is physical abuse, laziness, and bad temper. in any event, i don't believe whose-ball-in-whose-court matters. it is not like you have been an angel. if you want to keep the marriage, what's wrong with taking the initiative in trying (and trying) to salvage it?
 
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sgbabydoll

Active Member
Maybe you should think if you can and how you can bring out the best in each other? No point being in a marriage whereby you bring out the worse in each other.
 
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faith23

New Member
Cornelia,
After chatting with you ytd I realised you are a strong young lady do keep up your good job by loving yourselves more each day! Learn to control your emotional in difficult situation (not easy but at least you take a step forward!) Pls remember this changes are for yourselves and not for anyone else. Focus on Yourselves. Dont look back on what is wrong in the past. Focus what you can do in FUTURE! Bless you with a breakthrough!
 
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lovingyou

New Member
Cornelia: Yes, it is more important to make the change coz you want to and it is for yourself and not others... Loving yourself is impt; we have to love ourself before loving others.
happy.gif
 
L

lovecornelia

New Member
Cornelia - My love, I have never left your side at all. All this time, my presence was with you. I was wrong. Wrong to leave you at home while I went out with my buddies. I should have brought you along. I was wrong to not give you a chance to explain yourself. I was wrong to just hear one side of the story. But if you had told me the truth, things would also be smoother. We both should never have expected each other to change. In fact we should have learned to accept each others' flaws. I have stopped drinking. I have decided to stop all this nightlife nonsense. A loving couple should be doing things together, and not alone. Many nights I cry myself to sleep. Many a time I wonder how you are doing. Many moments I recall the way you make me laugh and smile. Many places remind me of you. Both our memories can never be replaced. It can only be increased. All this time, I was thinking. Thinking about reconcilation. It was only through a few people's advice and counseling that I realized the biggest mistake actually lies in me. I was rash. But I am glad to announce here, my love for you. It has never changed. However, it has grown much stronger. I love you. And I'm sorry. Let me prove to you that you did not marry the wrong man. Let me prove to everyone that only I can make you smile from your heart. Let me take care of you for the rest of our lives.

Thanks to all those that have comforted and advised Cornelia all this time. Time has certainly healed our wounds and in fact, strengthened our bond and love. I am relieved to say that this sad thread will come to an end. =)
 
K

koala82

New Member
This is one and only thread that comes with an happy ending, i have ever read.

Hope to see more of such happy endings.
 
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lovecornelia

New Member
Nikki - Breaking up was never easy. We went through alot. Time and fate toyed with us. Obstacles ruined us. We were young. Patching up was even more difficult. It took alot of courage. Alot of time. Alot of dilemmas. And certainly alot of trust. However, our bond was so strong that we could not let each other go. Our love for each other is stronger than anything.
 
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matka

Member
Hi Nikki

Cornelia and LoveCornelia have already gone beyond that stage and have reconciled. It is great that they can do that, and similarly so many others too. Despite the pain and anguish that they have suffered, they are able to look beyond it and move forward and remember the love and commitment that they share.

Do we really know that they patched back "so easily"? I don't think so. But they certainly look like they worked hard at it.

All the best Cornelia and LoveCornelia. Your work is not done yet - but you've given hope to others that reconciliation is possible.
 
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lovecornelia

New Member
Matka - Thanks for the comforting words and encouragement.

Nikki - As for your reply, I don't have a need to reply you. Whether our bond is strong, whether the reason for breaking up, whether I trusted her or not, it doesn't concern you. So it isn't the right thing for someone like you to assume things. Remember Ass-U-Me. Never presume too. Our relationship is none of your concern if you only have criticizing words to input. Anyway ur nick newlife2010 perhaps mean something that relates to me and Cornelia's relationship but the only difference is, yours took a wrong turn instead and met its worst fate ever? Well, all the best to u, Nikki. =)
 
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lovecornelia

New Member
Nikki - Haha. I already said. Do not assume and it does not concern you. Mark your words? You ain't my father or mother. Well, it seems you are the one who's sensitive. Awww. Did I touch on something sensitive on your side? Looks like I hit a jackpot, didn't I? I wouldn't assume, but I would GUESS that your setback did cause some haywire up there?

PS. An advice. Change your nick to 'getanewlife2010' and go cry to your mother or father. Dig that.

Oh, and mind u, no point getting jealous over a happy couple's ending. Cos in this world, Cornelia and myself are not the only ones being happy. There are billions out there. You would only wished you were dead if you were to be jealous over each and every happy couple in this world. Go get yourself a man. No, a woman. Hmmm, ur name is contradicting. :p
 
N

newlife2010

New Member
u are even worse.

Have your fun outside and came back to your wife? ha ha.

I really pity your wife to have married such a husband. But sooner or later, she will see your true colur and ditched u.

Fyi I have much happier life than u.
 

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