He's just not that into you

jo_chua

New Member
Quoting this from the book :-

The Age-Old "I'm Just Not Ready" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I've been dating a guy since I was twenty-three. I'm twenty-eight now. We started talking about marriage two years ago, and he said he wasn't ready. So we moved in together to help him get "ready". We talked about it recently and he said that he still wasn't ready. He reminded me that we're young and there's no need to rush. In a way, he's rigt. I'm only twenty-eight and people get married much later these days. And sometimes it takes longer for guys to grow up than girls. So I want to be understanding, but I'm just not sure how long I'm supposed to wait. Does he need more time or is he just not that into marrying me?

Danielle

From Greg

Dear Waiting at the Altar.

He's right. Why rush? It's only been five years. He's going to know you so much better after ten. And you have all the time in the world, right? You know, in case after ten years he decides he's still not ready. I hate to tell you this, but here's why he feels rushed : He's still not sure you're the one. Yep, my lovely, I know it's hard to hear, but better to hear it now than ten years from now. So you can stay with him and continue to audition for the part of his lucky wife, or you can go find someone who doesn't need a decade or two to realize you're the best thing that ever happened to him.

I'm not ready. This is the most often used excuse in the world, but it always seem to do the trick. Women love waiting around for men to be ready. You woen must enjoy it, because you do it so much of the time. Which is ironic to me, since you're the ones with the biological clocks that are supposedly ticking away. Listen, we all know that couple who's been dating for five years... eight years and still hasn't got married. We know it never works out well for that couple. So how about you stop waiting - and start looking for that guy who can't wait to love you.

Q : How do we know if we are wasting our youth on someone?
 


simpleman

Active Member
Getting to the marriage stage is as much a process as is the final destination of marriage.

If you are not happy in the process - ie, if you are not happy in the courtship leading to the marriage.. then it is really going to be a waste of time..

But if you are happy and still the end result is not marriage, you should be happy that you have enjoyed the process.

If you are really thinking about wasting of time, I suspect that you are not happy with the process? Time to ponder already.
 

jo_chua

New Member
happy in the process but if man doesnt know what he wants.. is there a point to continue the r/s? I seriously dunno
 

habe

New Member
this kind of thing, wasting time or not, ready or not, is he the one or not - i believe only you can have the answer and convince yourself.
no matter what ppl say, if you believe otherwise also no use.
 

simpleman

Active Member
jo chua,

You have to decide for yourself what you really want.

If you are happy in the process .. but u will reach a point where frustration may offset it because the future is uncertain.. then you got to make a stand..
 

jo_chua

New Member
Sometimes, I feel like just being a turkey.. Just put the head into the ground...

I admire ladies who has the courage to ask U WANT TO MARRY ME OR NOT.. wahaha..

I wonder what men really thinks.. If Ask I scare it is like pressurising.. but dun ask I dunno where I m heading to.. Men really are complicated living things..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
What is it that you can't discuss as a couple? Just word it sensitively - Are we looking at marriage in the future? Something like that lah
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
it depends, if you want to settle down want and this guy is clearly not sharing the same goals, then yes. its a prue waste of time trying to make him change is mind.
 

jo_chua

New Member
Doll : I always have an expression issue. Can't really talk "sensitively".. Quite sucks being a lady who can't phrase words properly.. Haha

Milo : yup agree..

SM : depends.. Not all women are complicated.. Men who doesnt know what they want are worse than women..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Sometimes, women are much more complex than they think they are. It has to do with the genetic make up. Guys being logical and not in touch with emotions. Emotions can complicate things. There is a saying women as like waves. Its very dynamic and hence difficult to understand.
 

cuclainne

New Member
joanne, i've always believed that communication is key in any relationship .. if you cannot even communicate your thoughts and feelings to him now, how would you work out anything later on?
 

powder

Active Member
perhaps it's not your guy who doesn't know what he wants... what he wants could simply be - he does not wanna get married yet...

but to u - he does not know what he wants...

u get wat i mean?

i've observed a few things over the years abt how translation can be different, particularly with local ladies... when i didn't Have Time to do something, my ex-gfren used to say i Dun Want to do something... when i was Unable to meet her, she would say i Dun Want to meet her...

after awhile, it gets tiring... becos her phrasing will Subconsciously affect her impression of me, and when she phrases the same way to her frens - they would also feel i'm the one 'at fault'. but am i?

sometimes it's these little things that eat into your subconscious and makes u upset, when actually nothing actually happened to warrant that.
 

simpleman

Active Member
anyone who doesn't know what they want are complicated.. men or women..

Mostly men are more straightforward and know what they want..

Of course wishy-washy guys are as bad as wishy-washy gals.

But in GENERAL, I still think women are more complicated and more difficult to understand..
 

jo_chua

New Member
It has been communicated once.. It's a long story.. His answer is he dunno what he wants and that was like 1 year ago.. 1 year later now, I m loss again.. haha.. He has never mentioned about getting married with me.. sometimes I feel that maybe he is just waiting for the right person of his life to pass by.. His actions doesnt seems to be like that...I am confused.. and I have given this r/s a dateline.. If marriage is not being brought up by him by then.. It's end of story.. I m behaving like a turkey leh.. Dun wanna stress him but end up feel so hurt..
 

powder

Active Member
btw, i've actually read the book a few years back... this is my opinion...

1. the book is good to wake up some women who seriously keep hounding themselves with thoughts of just 1 guy... particularly the scumbag kind of guys who are really not into them.

2. this book is bad for women with no relationship problems... becos it makes the reader look at her relationship... and if u have read the whole book, u'll realise that even if no problem - it WILL create a problem, and it WILL create unnecessary fears.

3. the writer sounds like he is the type of guy who would worship the lady love of his life, BUT not all good guys will function in this same way... it will depend on your profession, time, culture, country.

another thing to note is Not just the answer... but also - the questions/statements posed to the writer... it is from a female POV and stated in a way that Does Not explain the date/guy/bfren's circumstances, it's purely from the POV of the lady dating the guy. it also does not cover the nature of their profession etc... so 'Greg' may not be as right as u think he is.
 

powder

Active Member
Joanne,

unfortunately, not a very wise thing to say, "ok la.. U win.. Woman complicated.. cos we are emo ppl.."

it will not do u any good to think this way as a person. it actually shows tat u abit emo leh... if u want things to improve, open your mind up abit.
 

jo_chua

New Member
kinda emo today due to some issues.. this is what I meant by not very good in phrasing my words.. wahaha.. I see no arguments and will juz end statements this way..

Thanks for the all advices given... =)
 

sha82

New Member
btw, i've actually read the book a few years back... this is my opinion...

1. the book is good to wake up some women who seriously keep hounding themselves with thoughts of just 1 guy... particularly the scumbag kind of guys who are really not into them.

2. this book is bad for women with no relationship problems... becos it makes the reader look at her relationship... and if u have read the whole book, u'll realise that even if no problem - it WILL create a problem, and it WILL create unnecessary fears.

3. the writer sounds like he is the type of guy who would worship the lady love of his life, BUT not all good guys will function in this same way... it will depend on your profession, time, culture, country.

another thing to note is Not just the answer... but also - the questions/statements posed to the writer... it is from a female POV and stated in a way that Does Not explain the date/guy/bfren's circumstances, it's purely from the POV of the lady dating the guy. it also does not cover the nature of their profession etc... so 'Greg' may not be as right as u think he is.
-------------------------------------------------
powder - BRILLIANT analysis and comment... Point 2 is so true.. it applies to me sometimes.. hehehe... sometimes i read ppl's issues in this forum.. and then i think.. 'hey even my husband does that.. how come I am OK with it? maybe i shldnt be ok with it... its wrong..' i guess different ppl have different acceptance levels and are not bothered by things that actually bother others alot.. i realized that i get influenced in that manner and dont let it affect my opinions.. just because it bugs others doesnt mean it shld bug me... u have just put it in words so well... *pats powder's back*
 

judetan

New Member
hi all, can i side track abit, how about those men who wants a uncommitted relationship even though they are single? Isnt it worse? at least he is still your official boyfriend

Joanne, i tink u shld feel blessed, so long the guy loves you, treats u well, wat more can u ask?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I notice that many ladies are in a relationship with "a means to an end". The "means" being the relationship and the "end", marriage. If the guy has no marriage plan on mind, he's being viewed as "not so into" you. Is this fair?
 

jo_chua

New Member
Erm... yes prototyping here (forgive my poor english).. Hmmm my personal thinking is that I do want to start a family.. that is not living just 2 persons. Its ok to be just be in r/s for as long as that 2 lives if dun wan babies.. Of cos I know there is no everlasting stories but I believe there is if not there is no point in marriage also..

This is my personal view.. =D

As for F buddies, dun even bother abt thinking that they will be committed.. Juz take it as many nights stand.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Joanne, does your bf want children? Does he have the same vision as you? If not, there is not much a point in waiting for him to "change". People's values don't change overnight.
 

powder

Active Member
thing is... i date a girl... then we have a normal courtship/dating process... as a guy i'll just have the relationship and see how things go...

it'll be rather scary that behind the scene, the girl is thinking of marriage, setting up family etc... i mean, it's not wrong, but why need to go there and worry oneself silly, forming little ideas abt the guy when it's not been brought up?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Powder, that's because many a woman still think that if a man has no marriage plan, he is not serious about her. That's my observation of cases around me.
 

powder

Active Member
i guess it'll depend alot on the individuals... being serious is abt commitment... but commitment is not necessarily abt marriage...
 

agag

New Member
Guys are generally more practical and prefer 'hassle-free' and practical but ladies are more emotional and prefer 'personal-touch' kind of behaviour.

That's where 2 people have to compromise and reach a 'neutral' ground.

Like my case, I would prefer to plan way in advance of the wedding, research and look for more info, even when he hasn't propose. But for him, he thinks it's still early to plan and can do it when he has proposed. I mean if he's proposing this year, we don't too many long of 2009 to plan but he thinks otherwise.

So talk to each other and if you are unhappy about certain thing, voice it out as a discussion when the mood is 'happy'. This is just my thoughts lar...
 

jo_chua

New Member
Doll : My bf wanna have kids too..

Powder : Wait till U become a girl and not that young and have been in a r/s for 3 years then tell me about it. I agree with ur point if the r/s has been like less than a year. I juz wonder whatelse is considered as commitment if not marriage? This is what I am curious and want to know what guys are thinking about generally when they comes to the word commitment.

Anticipate : I m juz like U.. For wedding, I prefer to plan early.. It's not those 1 or 2 months can settle de.. It's not easy to have a wedding so early planning is always better than last min..

Ultimately, juz treasure the one besides U.. A lot of things only happen once in a lifetime.. Once is gone, it's forever and unforgettable.. Dun let it be a regret..
 

jo_chua

New Member
Powder : now then I read this post of urs..

perhaps it's not your guy who doesn't know what he wants... what he wants could simply be - he does not wanna get married yet...

but to u - he does not know what he wants...

u get wat i mean?

i've observed a few things over the years abt how translation can be different, particularly with local ladies... when i didn't Have Time to do something, my ex-gfren used to say i Dun Want to do something... when i was Unable to meet her, she would say i Dun Want to meet her...

after awhile, it gets tiring... becos her phrasing will Subconsciously affect her impression of me, and when she phrases the same way to her frens - they would also feel i'm the one 'at fault'. but am i?

sometimes it's these little things that eat into your subconscious and makes u upset, when actually nothing actually happened to warrant that.

erm point 1 : He told me himself he doesnt know what he wants.. So i dunno what he meant and juz take it that he doesnt know what he wants/ not ready.. I even got to stop all my frens asking in front of him when we are getting married cos I dun wan him to feel that I m pressuring him (Yes I think a lot)

Point 2 : I used to think like your ex gf when I was juz together with my bf during our 1st year cos he needs to travel quite frequently and we meet almost everyday during the "honeymoon" period and when he was telling me he is tired and does not wish to meet me on weekdays, I started to think a lot.. Sometimes its a habit.. Couples got to work it out.. Frens play a part too.. Gradually, I begin to understand that he is really tired and even when 2 are together, personal space is still important.. So we are "well-trained" now to meet only during weekends.. Haha.. and I love the arrangements now cos I get to spend more time with my girlfriends and do more shopping and spend time for myself.. This makes all the time spent with bf a quality one..

I have bad experiences and I know I m scared.. I do not wish to be with someone for 3 -4 years and tell me "actually U r not what I want and I realise it only today".. It really hurts.. I know u going to say its better than realise it after marriage.. Thats not my point.. My point is if he feels that I m not the one, let me know dun give me hopes..
 

agag

New Member
Someone once told my that marriage is like a gamble, you can't possible to 100% certain about the guy/gal and the future.

Some are very nice before marriage but turn nasty after that, some vice versa. Some takes yearsss to turn good and bad. Lots of factors in between that are not really within anyone's means.

What is within is the current feel, actions, thoughts and cherish now.
happy.gif


Although it's easier said than done...
 

powder

Active Member
Joanne,

in this world, alot of pple think that they are unique when it comes to relationships - ie, they are the only ones suffering. But these are the same pple who will think that All guys are the same, all girls would Want this/that.

i cannot "become a girl and not that young and have been in a r/s for 3 years" then tell u about it - it just won't happen. But neither can u be ME, having gone thru more relationships with myself, frens, galfrens, including separations, divorces etc etc... If i dun tell u that u are Not me and then IMPLY that u'll never understand... why must u imply that ONLY someone like u can understand?

i can tell u something very factual... The way u think, ask, speak - No Quality guy would have an urge to wanna commit to u.

yup, serious... it's You. u NEED a black and white from him to state he wants to marry u, by X-date, and have x-kids with u... before u'll feel better.

now u know tat's not gonna happen... billions of pple have had relationships and this might have happened a couple of times, so the probability is low. So why ask for something u cannot get? and if u want guarantees, obviously u're not gonna gett those assurances from an online forum...
 

jo_chua

New Member
hmmm cos the one who is in r/s is me so it happens to me only lor.. I pity my bf who is with me then from what u said. =) No need to be so agitated. If I said something not so pleasing, I m sorry.. I mentioned before, I am not good at words.. haha.. and I think I dun need to make u understand how I feel cos its hard to make 1 to understand what the other is going thru juz like ur life.. I can nv understand. If U think this post is pissing U off, I think U better dun read ba.. My purpose isn't here to piss anyone off..

Anticipate : I agree with U.. It's a gamble.. My fren told me too.. This makes me think of MJ.. haha!
 

agag

New Member
Yup, like MJ. hehe... has been a looong time since i play, kinda of missing it. Oops, back to this!

Try not to think of too many negative stuffs... it will affect your mood and actions, making everything worst. Once you're in good spirit, you'll see and take things positively and it will be more smooth-sailing.
happy.gif
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Joanne,

powder isn't agitated. He is just being straight and frank with you.

Not everyone would write messages in the "Hello, how are you today" mode one loh.

If you read what is written objectively, there could be some good points and truths within.

"cos the one who is in r/s is me so it happens to me only lor" In fact, that is exactly the kind of thinking that he is highlighting.

I don't think there is right or wrong answers. Just look at the advises with a pitch of salt and avoid selective filtering. Pretty normal behaviour to listen only to things we like. But, if we really want to consider soemthing from not just our own views, then one need to be more receiptive towards the advises given. Try hearing more of what guys are saying, not just the ladies.
 

grace011280

New Member
I wish to know wats guys point of view for commitment if its not abt marriage?

So commitment means be faithful to ur girlfriend and keep this relationship for as long as it goes as long both are "commited" to each other but then.. no marriage??

wat is this?
 

powder

Active Member
Joanne,

u read me as agitated?

ok, i think what u can do over the next 2 weeks is to speak to your closest frens and ask them for an honest answer to this question... "am i very self-centred and self-indulgent?"

u can't take opinions,. let alone critism... why i say that is becos despite my simple explanation, u have rejected my opinion by thinking i'm afitated when i wasn't. and also, if u believe Only u can understand your problem, then why are u in a public forum starting a thread and asking a question?

and then if u believe only u can understand, why then did u think 'Anticipate' understood? the double standards is blatantly displayed here...

has anyone ever scolded u or raised their voice at u before? cos u seem rather sheltered..

i'm not angry nor agitated... believe it or not.

ps: u're abit fake to be honest... u're trying to ask me to buzz off and kick me but at the same time u're pretending to be nice and sweet in a way... cos u worry abt how the other readers will see u. it's very obvious. if u can't be honest with yourself, then there's no way u'll ever be able to get the answer to your own question.
 

powder

Active Member
GraCie,

your question was not asked with an intention to understand... but rather - to vent in a "why do all men" "we women" kind of mode...
 

tomasulu

Member
dated many over the years without feeling the itch to get hitched. i didn't know what was 'it' then... or maybe subconsciously i did but i am not known to be a navel gazer. anyway, it was easier to go along to get along - enjoying the perk of having someone to go movies with on friday nights without making her rich in the event of my premature demise.

lo and behold, mrs tomasulu came along and i immediately knew. not only was she the one but that the rest before her were just... well, lets just say they were the entrees leading up to the main. to cut the story short, i wanted so much to marry her immediately but it was early days still and eloping was kinda too scandalous for my taste. so missy and i bought our property after 4 months of dating and we signed our lives away after we had time to work out the logistics of a wedding.

data point of just one so your mileage may vary. having said that, it is safe to say that the longer you are into a relationship, the higher the chance that heisjustnotthatintoyou is applicable to your circumstance. if i may indulge in gender stereotyping to explain this phenomenon - guys are typically goal oriented and if he is just drifting along in the relationship, maybe you don't figure as one of his goals in life.

PS: with me, dont hold back. i actually like your spunk.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Just one highlight...
why do you want to marry someone you cannot communicate with without fearing of pressurizing him.

Doesn't that indicate something about the communication breakdown. Until u can establish the 2 way channel of respect and communication, forget about marriage with this man. Simple as that.

If you take away the emotions and look at things as it is. Its really not that complex. Of cos, the heart will always be soft. But, we all have the mind to rationalize. Instead of setting deadlines yourself and waiting for things to happen, work on what's lacking. COMMUNICATION.

Frankly, its the same story each time. Oh... I love him so much that I cannot bear to leave him. BUT, no... I don't even understand this man enough. I dunno whats on his mind and I cannot ask. Because I am so damn scared of giving him pressure. So... What are you so in love with actually. Figure that out. Its really no so unique and special. You fear to speaking thinking only of the consequences of voicing out but completely ignored the consequences of surpressing the communication and leaving things to guesses. Like it or not, communication is key for any relationship to survive. That is a fact. So, no waiting and hoping and get you around that.

Once again, straight and frank comments.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Gracie,

my views about commitments and marriage in one line.

It has to come willingly and naturally for both parties.

Personal biggest turn offs for me...
1) manipulative mind games and insecure guessing
2) accusations and confrontal behaviors
3) lack of maturity to see things beyond their own perspective alone. e.g. getting into stupid fights to prove "i am correct (ALWAYS)".
 

tomasulu

Member
another thing, there is desire and there is follow through on that desire. by nature, some guys are just nua and, i think i speak for many here, weddings are heinously laborious. if there is a magic wand guys can waive and get married immediately without hassle, many'd probably do it. to me, it is an academic distinction: you shouldn't be with he-who-is-not-into-you or he-who-is-nua or he-who-is-nua-cos-he-is-not-into-you. however, if your heart is set on him and you think that's what's stopping him from popping the question, you can start the ball rolling by agreeing to a simple affair. plan things out for him step by step - pull him along to hdb or showflats... you know the drill.
 

jo_chua

New Member
eh powder : words are very subjective and its norm to me to read anger in BOLD. It's not as if I know the U for long and understand how they write.

Milo : Thanks for your advice and will talk to him again on this topic and any other issues. =)
 


jo_chua

New Member
Tomasulu : I also want a simple one as in a few relatives and friends over lunch after solemnization.. Sometimes marriage is not between 2 person but 2 families.. Sighz.. Anyway I believe if that day ever happens, there will be a solution if we both work it out.
 

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