Help, what should i do?


New Member
I was talking about ang pows from parents, not family and friends. Do they give too ? I don´t mean juwelleries from in laws.

If your parents give, let´s say, $500 to a cousin´s wedding then the cousin´s parents are likely giving the same amount back. If there is profit from the $500, what is the trend or tradition nowadays ? To return the excess to your parents ? I know every family has its own ways.


Well-Known Member
what's important is not the trend of others. Rather, the couple's parents. Cannot possibly be bringing references of feedback from the internet to convince the folks. They will perceive that negatively. If they are unsure, allow them to check amongst their own community, be it hearsay or some indian chief in their group.

Just check with the folks and work out the best feasible plan after.


Well-Known Member
that would be weird, the parents are like co hosts of the event. However, they give their child some angpows for good luck and blessings. But again, each family is unqiue. So, why continue to ask for a generic answer? What purpose would that serve at all?


New Member
I want to know mah, easy to ask on internet. Paiseh asking people outside. So it´s normal parents don´t give angpows for the dinner ? Brother sister eat free too? The good luck angpow is given during tea ceremony ? How much nowadays ?


Well-Known Member
SID(cop), you seem to be dancing on your stand. One moment, your in laws gave difficult requests and have many expectation, next you are lucky to have them this understanding and now you say she say 1 thing but does another.

Likewise about your wtb. One moment you think you are stuck with a regularly black faced partner because the money already spent, the next, you think her character is good because she is filial.

It is very confusing reading all these, it seems you are complaining for the sake of complaining, dramatizing all the minor details that you have basically no intention to action on anyway. Very much flipping like roti prata.

I take it that its only to rant and outburst, hence the disorientation. You probably do not need any opinions abt it at all.


Slippers, my parents gave a token angpow and jewellery during the tea ceremony. They don't "pay" for their own meals during our wedding.

As the host for the tea ceremony in their home, our parents would have already spent a bomb preparing for the wedding. Their own clothes, hair and makeup, etc. What about the meals that they cater for the relatives? Let's not forget about that. The wedding ceremony is so much more than just the dinner itself. There are loads of hidden costs as well.

Stuck In Dilemma, the fact that you and your family members are so unclear and contradictory about "customs" and "traditions" means that you guys have NO customs and traditions with regards to the wedding ceremony. It's the same everywhere and with everyone. So it's up to you guys to just MAKE UP YOUR OWN. Trust me, the Hokkien Huay Guan will not be able to give you a 100% guideline. If you want to go to such extremes, might as well do your research and trace it back to your historical roots in China centuries ago.

Might as well don't choose your wife. Go for an arranged marriage instead. Afterall, this was the traditional thing to do

Here we are getting so worked up over what is "right"... and it isn't even an issue of morality. What are your priorities?


Active Member

why would u even wanna know how much parents give and whether bro and sis eat free? Ain't these your family members? Why do u need to know the specifics? Besides, every family is different. If I tell you my parents gave me $1million (fictitious amt), are you going to expect your parents to do so? Ehh I don't get the reason for or the purpose of your post? Mind to explain further?


New Member
I really dun understand what's the issue with setting a budget and let the future mil to decide to buy what she wan.

Discuss the budget with your wife and let her handle her mum.

Some people dun bother to go through any ceremony yet stay happily married together while some have an lavish wedding but ended up divorce within a year.

The most impt is to communicate, compromise and going through the first step together as husband and wife.

If you cannot pass through the 1st step, I wonder how long will the marriage last? You will be facing your mil for the rest of her life.

Make things ugly and you are only causing your wife to be in a difficult position.

Whatever things u decide to do or say, I hope that u will always think and respect your wife first.

It's your marriage, your happiness. Don't get married just for the sake of marriage.


Active Member
"**I hv called up Singapore Hokkien Federation & ask for advice with help from friends, still thinking to have a show down with her mother when match-maker come. (Her mom say no need, but i found out the match-maker means something in tradition, not advisable to not invite).

But 最为难得还是我的未æ¥è€å©†ã€‚她最å¯æ€œã€‚"

Stuck in dilemma, why is there a need to 'showdown'? Have you told your in-laws you'll try your best but also strapped in cash as you wanna ensure you want to give a gd future to their daughter? Did your wife speak to them on your behalf at all?

It's never gd to have a negotiation deal like that I feel. Spells trouble. Esp with all those research thingy - really awkward and unfeeling.


New Member
If i were to shoot her mom during our own discussion, she will protect her, i rebut her with facts, her face black, but in her heart, i know she is also stuck

TS, is this how you respect your wife and your future in laws?

No matter how frustrated, never bad mouth your spouse's family. Small things just let go and big issues, just let your wife handle afterall it's her own mum. Who's the best person to handle her?

My own thoughts,
1)Issit she think that me & her daughter may not last long, so get as much as possible? nest time if devorce, at least her daughter still gv something?
2)She think that next time i cannot buy things for her daughter? now whack me 1st?
3)IS she a person that do not know custom but yet want to action? end up say all wrong things?

My own thinking: If now everything i follow, isn't it like i kanna step? If i no voive out, she may think i easy to eat...

Do u feel that u think too much? If she really dislike u, u think she will let her precious daughter to marry you. She probably be asking for a few properties instead of gold. Btw some ppl do gave 999 gold bars as "pin jin".


New Member

You mean the afternoon lunch is cater by parents and not the bridal couple ?

Juwellery sometimes second hand izzit ? Pass down gold from mothers. My godsister got a used, crooked (not round anymore) skinny girl-bracelet that has a broken clasp from her mother-in-law (cannot even wear, size too small). Her SIL got one of those thick gold adult bracelets (got phoenix summore) from the same woman.

My godsister and husband did have a prior discussion with husband family who is paying for what. Bridal couple wanted to pay themselves, husband´s parents insisted it´s their treat, maybe because they feel paiseh they are not giving dowry. (it is their custom that the groom´s parents provide the dowry but lucky for them bride´s mother say no need.) Anyway, on the day of the dinner, her in-laws dare take the angpow-box away and all its contents but they didn´t pay for the dinner. Got mini showdown another day. The husband and wife insisted angpow back since he and wife paid. Bridal couple got back angpows but not sealed anymore so no clarity who gave how much. Cannot track down anymore. Sumtimes, I think it´s not entirely wrong her in-laws didn´give them the entire amount back, because some relative are just giving back the $500 the in-laws gave for their daughter´s wedding (i told example earlier). But in laws not upfront the whole time, agree to let the bridal couple pay but didn´t tell them they were going to take the angpow box away.

Even with discussion, no guarentee. So much for communication. That´s why I want to know how others do it. Also, because I am curious.


Slippers, well it depends. There are no hard and fast rules. For us, the tea ceremonies were hosted at each of our parents' homes. Both sets of parents made their own preparations so they paid for the catering for the tea ceremonies. We never asked what they were going to do, decorate or serve, and didn't interfere in that part. They made their own decisions.

We had a church wedding, and we catered for lunch. Same for the dinner. These we were prepared to spend, but thankfully managed to cover most of it. Communication is key. Your Godsister and her husband might have missed out something somewhere that you are not aware of (afterall, when you hear complaints, it's always one side of the story).

If you're worried that the same will happen to you with regards to the ang pow box, designate someone you trust and a place to keep it after the reception closes. Let your family members know so that nobody assumes they have a right to take the angpows away. We had three gift boxes - one for my parents' guests, one for my husband's parents guests and one for our own guests. The counting was clearer and cleaner this way.

As for the gifts, it is up to the generosity of the giver. At least your godsister received gold from her MIL. New or old, it still has value. Anyway, don't expect any of the jewellery you receive to be wearable. Most times, people won't know the kind of designs you prefer.


If couples are so worried that their parents will be calculative and want to "earn" from their weddings, then they'll be better off not having a dinner in a hotel/restaurant. A void-deck buffet would suffice!

Afterall, it is the <u>marriage</u> that is truly important. Not some lunch or dinner. If parents insist on having a traditional 10-course dinner, just tell them flatly,

"We simply cannot afford it."

They'll be offering you solutions for sure, and that'll come fast and furious.


New Member
Hi Slipper

In general cases, parents will give you ang pow during tea ceremony and not during wedding dinner. Your siblings are less likely to give ang pow since your family are the host. Treat it as a bonus if they do but quite unlikely I think.

Common sense scenario should be, who pays for the dinner gets the ang pow. The ang pow or tables given to bride's family is theirs to keep. You may get some good surprises if both families decides to give some back to you, but don't count on it really. Basically, plan for the worse, hope things don't exceed your budget and things might not be as bad as you imagined it to be.


New Member

Ya, i know what you mean, is cos i do not want to badmouth them so much into details mah.

Not really dramtize it, actual facts>> Reason for the 4rm flat started from>> Her mother say loud loud on escalator towards B1 at Jurong Point 2, pointing at me> only want to f*ck my dughter, dun want to marry her, never gv her daughter anything!!! only play her. Never gv me face, i original wanted to argue wif her what bout the $10k rolex daughter is wearing now, diamonds all fake ah..but took a deep breath then nvm, i swallow &amp; smile. cannot shoot cos end up future wife sure "kiap" in between.

Of cos mother hv interest for daughter, it's understandable.

*Take note at this point, i am caught in lawsuit.
I cannot simply book a hotel, pay deposit then i go in jail how?

So i go take a package of taiwan marry photo to test water / hopefully close her mom's mouth. Her mother say > Pay a few $K photo then case close ah? Marry also need home. So the fox tail come out??

Oh cos i angry lah, so nvm, i spoke to my "future wife", lets go take HDB. My thinking is get HDB liao, still cannot close mouth, i suck thumb. However, heard something like> My daughter got home liao, no worries, this is during their family chat when i was driving them.Case close for time being. Peace lor.

(This person IQ high but also good in indian food too, only think in favour of daughter, get everything 1st,she does not relise that take HDB leads to other implication in future>> i know i hv to go in jail as my lawyer say i cannot run away from it, just that don't know how long as they are not the judge but minimum 5 years if i plead guilty from start.) So, i take HDB, i go in jail, home who pay?

1st way>> Her daughter, it will å而害死她自己的女儿,一个人给钱而已。Got husband like no husband.
2nd way>> I inside sit, cannot come out, but signing HDB's bonding agreement, but HDB cannot buy, end up both of us hv to pay fine $100+k without getting flat. I can tahan, but her daughter lea? maybe kanna bankrupt.

*During this time go HBD pay what downpayment is bout year 2010, my case is still postpone.

Then, many gossip> still no marry ah, drag so long liao, photo to taiwan real or not, the invoice got fake or not..i was like case so jia lat..

I am being charged with 30 charges. Spent $70k (over 2 years period + 5 days court trial), then end up jail term + $50k fine.

Original i dun want pay the $50k fine, sit few more months nia. The reason for me to pay is below.

Money alot lea, i almost want to give up, jus accept the charges go in sit some years. After minus 30%, get home detentation, i still got the $ in my pocket.(which is why i said i am a calculative person.)

So, why i spend $ on lawyers? cos dun want partner to end up jia lat due to her mother's request.

So, what made me pay the $50k fine? Is all because i dun want to let my partner sad, she cry for almost 20 minutes everytime she come with my parents to televisit to see me in jail, during face to face visit, cry till i also drop tears. See her cry, my mother auto father also buay tahan but cannot walk out of the televisit room cos if 1 go out, all must go out.Face to face time, my father see all cry, next time also no come.

I am also a person, got feelings> If i am not in their heart, why would they take time to visit me? 1 month 2 time? Hv to book, come form 8am in morning, wait for their turn jus to see me 20 to 30 mins? then send my mother home.Total time taken each time bout 3 hours.

I can feel the 情 from "future wife"。 Which is why i change decision to pay the $50k fine. So,total one round $120k gone.

Jus come out from jail on mid sep...then stright away get hotel for AD,plane ticket + accomdation, what ever future wife wants, i try my best, kind of 骈体鳞伤.
Why so rush? Wife wants it, so let her happy.
This weekend fly taiwan take photo, guess pocket will leak water, but ok bah, it fair she get what she wants,时间ä¸ç•™äººã€‚

So, after so many things happens, all know my $ gone.

Future MIL do some things which "outside show good" but deep inside i do not know.

Here is where i think u feel i roti prata when i say I am lucky to have her as a future MIL then blah blah is because>>>

She is willing to do away some things in the first place, which is why i say she is kind and understanding as she know i poor now.我说到,åšåˆ°ã€‚

So, why am i so uptight now actually is not really about this additional pair of dragon/pheonix bangle.The most give small pair from my side, if no money, i also will not be shy to say i no money.

Issue is this, the "mouth" say do this way in first place aka follow hokkien tradition> but end up another way need to + dragon/pheonix bangle, then i hv a healthy discussion with partner (yes, i believe i did use harsh words), end up she say anything all in favour of her mother. i stuck here lor.

So in this situation, (i admit i am å°æ°”/看ä¸å¼€ due to someone else sudden roti prata to me/ or i put it as 我输人ä¸è¾“face / i think is egoistic?), thus i need some polite way to change back to previous follow hokkien tradition.

Not like what my father sudden outburst after hear different.

**Here, some may think> discuss &amp; tell her no $.
My take is> She already know i no $, original do easy way, then why suddenly change?

Here is where i ä¸çˆ½ &amp; think many funny things.
Is like kanna eat 三顿饱。煤气桶 keep add gas, compress too much also will explode. Which is why i go till find original hokkien tradition lor.

I believe i am wrong to say hv a showdown cos in the end, i may lose in this battle. Must be too many fustration bah..

So how to counter in good polite way?


New Member
@doll: Hehe, some time i also very wishy washy de..sometime also not decisive enough cos my decision can hurt others.

@matka: You do not know my partner, i ask her to leave years back b4 all this happen, she want commit suicide..what u want me to do? (dun be mistaken that i marry her due to this, i also love her, she is good, well, everyone have some weak point, i try to accept what she is)

@denise80: Yes, wife spoken in first place, which is in favour for me> then dunno what happen then kanna others things lor> i also dulan, dun really borther to ask.(ya, is a mistake), but tried resoning, end up her face black.

@Ting Yi: From the very beginning> her mom ask daughter to leave me. However, is a complicated issue, like all kanna stuck..lazy to explain.

As for my long post/rant> those "facts", well, starting i never post cos i know here hv a "ear.."

But to that person, u yourself know still got how much funny things. Think i stop here.

Damm, what am i doing..


Stuck In Dilemma, nobody is disputing your love for your wife. But you seem to have put in a lot of other irrelevant "arguments" to justify why you need to know the actual custom.

If you have really read and understood the posts, the general consensus by the rest of the contributors is: over the years traditions and customs have become diluted. If they were that important, they would have been cast in stone and followed strictly from generation to generation.

Teochews marry Hokkiens, Hokkiens marry Cantonese, Cantonese marry Hakkas. It goes beyond our ancestors' provincial areas, nowadays we marry beyond our own ethnicities. So naturally you'll get a mix of customs. So what everyone is trying to say is there is "no wrong, no right". If you want to maintain harmony, then don't fight over gifts.

But you sound like you have other grouses, and that's why you're quibbling about this. Then you have a much bigger problem than just needing to buy more than the big &amp; small yuan + bangles.

Emotionally, you need to sort that out yourself.


New Member
Lastly> During the time when i starting went in jail period.

Someone ask my "partner" why both of us know will go jail still go buy HDB. Directly saying me is wrong, no brain, instead got some cursing, blamed me for 害 the female etc.(the someone still dunno why/what happen yet)

Answer can be read from facts.Still lack of other WOW details, i believe if guys kanna, hard to "fake away" if original also wanted planned to get home.

Of cos 1 side story cannot be believe, the person went to clarify if it is true.

Obviously, the "mouth" kanna corner liao kept quiet, dunno how many days later, came out with some answer >>
The "mouth" say out> "If dun like this do, then how to do?" (Actual word not this but meaning something like this lah)

@Ting Yi: I believe we hv diff life experiances/perspective regarding "Respect issue". Surface Respect almost everyone i give + always lots of flattery but True Respect from heart is earned.

Maybe i am brought up if diff kind of life or my noobish weired point of view bah.

I only respect ppl that is indeed worthy to respect. To me black is black, white is white, i am like 帮ç†ä¸å¸®äº²ã€‚Ppl that let me catch "痛脚" kanna from me say i 转牛角尖 !@#$%^, ppl on my side say i am corret, should be harsher. 好人难åšã€‚

Eg: Other's parents is more of surface respect, if got "lah sup" type, i also spit å£æ°´ã€‚Facts are still facts.


New Member
Thanks all, i think i just go up, say no $, the best is like this nia.

Once again, thanks all for your kind viewpoints, i really learn alot. Appreciated.

Err.. how to find mods to delete thread?


Well-Known Member
Send a private message to the moderator;profile=moderator-MODERATOR

or email to [email protected]

seriously, before deleting it, reread to yourself everything u wrote. It doesn't give me the impression I'm talking to a guy, very very auntie kind of conversation here. I don't mean it in a rude manner. The details on all the petty incidents. Its painful to read on further. I kind of stopped after the last reply to you.


New Member
TS, How many women are willing to wait to marry a man while he's in jail?

Why do you bother so much about what the old lady say? Is your wife going to leave you upon hearing what the old lady say about you?

You only have yourself to blame if you bother too much about face. Do you feel "hen you mian zi" by doing what others ask you to do, expecting you to do or doing little actions to spite/counter back?

People can say whatever things they like but rem that you are the <font size="+2">sole dictator</font> for your own life.

I hope that whatever you do or say, consider her feelings and don't put her in a hard position.

You will also live happier if you learn the 2 words, move on....

Learn to let go of hate in order to exchange for happiness.

If you can't change others, you gotta change your own mentality.

What's past is already over. Why are you still keeping grudges inside your heart? Do not confuse stubborn with pride.

Respecting her is because she's your wife's mum n not based on merits.

You are lucky to meet someone who's willing to go through thick and thin with you and loves you so much. Treasure her.


New Member
Hi Stuck in Delima,

It is not what your situation that puts you in a spot like this. It is how you reacted to those situations that results in the way things are now. You reminded me of a colleague who i describe him as a reckless firefighter. Got a call to help put off a fire. Rushed to the house and saw a match stick burning. So he immediately used the water hose to put off the fire. Saw there is a paper burning in other room, used the water hose again. Saw some candles and lanterns burning, same method. Then he realised that it was the flat in the next block that is really burning but the water tank is already empty. He ended up with an empty water tank, a messy house which he got blamed at and a burning flat which really needs help but he got no water to help. When he got fired, he doesn't learn from the mistakes but instead blamed on the caller, the house and why the fire isn't big enough for him to take notice. And when people pointed out to him that it was his doings which caused his status now, he takes offend to it. Never learned anything from it.

You need to stop reacting to whatever that is thrown to you now and stop being short sighted. See the end picture and work towards it. If in the first place, you gave that $50K to your future wife and learned how to be a man to tell your wife that everything will be alright after you done your jail terms. You wouldn't have such a problem with your in laws in the first place.


I do give angbao during the tea ceremony, I remembered is about $28 to each sister and bro-in-law.

Another angbao for the wedding dinner to my younger sisters.

I received a gold ring from one of the sisters, because she married earlier than me according to the Cantonese tradition.

I want to know mah, easy to ask on internet. Paiseh asking people outside. So it´s normal parents don´t give angpows for the dinner ? Brother sister eat free too? The good luck angpow is given during tea ceremony ? How much nowadays ?


Active Member

I know I gave a couple of hundreds when my bro and her wife serve me tea.

For wedding dinner, for brothers it will be a 1K ang pow.

I find it funny people think that own people don't have to give ang pow. On the contrary, we give more to help them with the expenses.


SM, I estimated abt 28. Should be 68 each if I can remember clearly. Wedding angbao gave 288.

I wanted to give more, but my financial was abit tight, this is within my limit at that time.


Active Member
Of course we give within our means.

But I find it ridiculous when people give more to friends and colleagues.. especially to bosses (must give face) then to their siblings..


New Member

just to share this, my in law paid for our wedding and will also give us all the ang baos. both me and my husband have offer to return all to them but they wanted us to keep n my sis in law is giving us near 2k ang bao.
every family function differently, wedding is a joyous event and there's no need to fight over monetary matter, try to find a way to please all.


Active Member
Chocolate, I'm lucky like u too. In laws paid for banquet and didn't want to take angbaos. Agree that every family is different. Just do what u can. Dun overspend for wedding. Having more $ later for house and kids is more crucial.


New Member
Hi chocolate,

Sharing the story further, I talk to godsis again, she said they didn´t take the angpow box away, (sorry for misinforming). They had only one box that day, got designate friend to take care of the angpow box actually. The angpows from relatives of in laws, the relatives pass directly to her in-laws. In-laws relatives make up 40% of total guests, big family. Strange horr, why only in-laws relatives pass angpows directly to them but not put in box ? Maybe in-laws call relatives to pass angpows to them ?? Everybody else put angpow in box. The in-laws didn´t give bridal couple back even after 6 weeks, until the husband ask back. The MIL say the angpow belongs to retired people, meaning herself. FIL say godsis husband must not be so calculative and ask angpows back. At first when the husband ask for angpows back, the family said dunno angpows go where, maybe bride´s friend who took care of box took them ! Until cannot lie anymore, they tell the truth. I hear story like that, scared people so greedy !

I don´t agree `who pays for the dinner gets the ang pow`. Actually, it´s the guests paying for themselves, treating themselves to their own dinner. Also, some familys pau angpow on behalf of whole family, like for example, they give a lot more than dinner cost. The people who has given so much to another family are entitled to same sum back when their own son/daughter get married. But sometimes the unmarried adult children chip in to get reach big amount on behalf of family.

Your in laws very generous, got give your mother dowry or not ? I hear some people negotiate for dowry, call whole family come talk on behalf of son or daughter. Sorry, sound like selling cows leh, not passing daughter to other family.


Active Member
Slipper, actually for my case, my mum took all the angbaos fr her relatives side too and none were calculative abt it. If no $, then must communicate properly beforehand or dun throw a banquet. Now that it's over, v hard and paiseh to ask for $ back.


New Member
Hi slipper

By the guest paying their own meal, the ang pow should go to the person who made the payment to the hotel right? While it is alot of money with some relationship factors to the amount people gives, don't you find it tiring to keep track of all the amount you and your family are going to receive and then to split according esp when there are about 200-300 people going to attend your wedding.

And really, the stories that you hear is irrelevant to you. It all depends on your parents from both sides. Talk to both your parents casually and see what they think. Get your facts first before planning your next step.

I am also having my wedding dinner next year. The banquet will be paid by me and my wife and most likely, my parents will return to me the ang pows from relatives and my in laws will keep the ang pows from their relatives. I view it as part of the dowry given to them so I don't even want to ask. Chances that they might return the ang pow to us since they are always good to us but I think they should keep it. General rule for me is, giver should be generous within their means and receiver should expect the least from others.

Call whole family to negotiate? Are your parents going to do that?


New Member
Hi Denise80,
Your mother and them talk before hand she is going to take all angpows ?

My godsis tell me her SILs mother take all the angpows from her own relatives side. Grooms family (godsis´s husbands family) paid for their wedding dinner. No agreement with grooms family beforehand that her family angpows is some sort of token for dowry. Groom family not happy. Then later when my godsister got married, grooms family take all angpow from their own side (and no dowry for brides mother but brides mother ok).

Hi Lee,
Stories may be irrelavant but good to know. If can keep record, then keep, have to know how much to give when other people get married mah. Same same amount if possible. The story I hear people call whole family to come to negotiate, actually that was my cousin who made a girl pregnant. Girls family and my cousin family come together, talk, talk, talk. Aunty, uncle all come together. How much groom family have to cough up for making their daughter pregnant. So funny, like selling cow. I don´t know wether people normally come together to negotiate like that or not.


New Member

Yes, my mom in law also bought me jewellery and my husband will be paying for the dowry.

my mom will most probably be returning all the angbaos to me.