Help to salvage relationship

Distraughtx

New Member
Hi all,

Need serious advice here. My fiance and i have been together for 4 years and we have a resale flat together. We are intending to ROM this coming May.

During these 4 years, we have quarreled but usually it is resolved within a day. I have to admit that my temper is not as good as him and im the one dominating the relationship. I am also more pessimistic as him due to my parents issue.

3 weeks ago, i found him acting weirdly and went to check his phone. Was super upset that he has been constantly chatting with an online girl whom he has never met before cos this girl is a malaysian residing in malaysia.
During the convo, he told the girl that he is single and hasnt found the one.

I burst out crying and woke him up from his sleep. He told me that there is no third party and admitted that yes he has been talking to the girl but there is nothing going on between them. He admitted that it is wrong to say he is single and available. So that night he told me that there are alot of issues with our relationship... my temper, my impatience and my negative mindset. He said that the only thing holding him back is the house and he doesnt have solutions to our problem. To be very honest, he hasnt told me any of these issues before.

Till now he hasnt said break up or call off the rom. He mentioned that we will work it out together. So for the first two weeks, i find that he is not acting like his usual self. So i asked him why is he acting like that. He told me that the incident just happened and he needed time to adjust back. It has been the third week now and i felt that he has changed although we are talking and seeing each other everyday. We didnt have much physical contact except for a hug and a kiss before we end the day.

He still comes to our house everyday but i just feel that he hasnt go back to his normal self. I have tried telling him that to make things work.. we have to put in effort and i also have to control my emotions and temper.

What do you guys think? Any advice on what i should do?

Fyi, hdb has given us the final deadline in may to submit our rom cert. We were supposed to tie the knot last year but due to covid we have to postpone to this year
 


ing1

Active Member
How to expect the vase still looks the same when there are cracks?

You mentioned that he is holding back for the house and not for you. You do know the difference right?

Most importantly, do you want to continue because of him, the relationship or because of the deadline given by hdb?
 

Distraughtx

New Member
How to expect the vase still looks the same when there are cracks?

You mentioned that he is holding back for the house and not for you. You do know the difference right?

Most importantly, do you want to continue because of him, the relationship or because of the deadline given by hdb?


I do want to continue the relationship. Maybe what i wish is that everyone can be back to their normal self and put in effort to save this relationship
 
I do want to continue the relationship. Maybe what i wish is that everyone can be back to their normal self and put in effort to save this relationship
There is no reset or "undo" function for emotional or physical betrayal.

It is forgiveness and moving forward. Not harping back on the past or "blotting" this event out.

change what you control - that is within your own volition. Manage your temper better. Learn to communicate better. Learn to "fight" the good fight. Not all fights are bad if it allows each other to air their views and wear their hearts outside. Recognize that avoidance and stonewalling are the death spiral of relationships.

Avoiding the issue and keeping quiet is what got you guys to this stage. He needs to learn that stoicism is for work and NS but not for strong and better relationships. Being able to talk freely and from his heart without having to tread on eggshells around you will bring you forward.
 

Distraughtx

New Member
There is no reset or "undo" function for emotional or physical betrayal.

It is forgiveness and moving forward. Not harping back on the past or "blotting" this event out.

change what you control - that is within your own volition. Manage your temper better. Learn to communicate better. Learn to "fight" the good fight. Not all fights are bad if it allows each other to air their views and wear their hearts outside. Recognize that avoidance and stonewalling are the death spiral of relationships.

Avoiding the issue and keeping quiet is what got you guys to this stage. He needs to learn that stoicism is for work and NS but not for strong and better relationships. Being able to talk freely and from his heart without having to tread on eggshells around you will bring you forward.


Yes that's wat ive been trying to tell him but he kept avoiding the topic. He jus keep telling me dont be too stressed.. dun think so much... but his actions and attitude are not helping at all. He has been cold to me for the past 3 weeks.
 
Yes that's wat ive been trying to tell him but he kept avoiding the topic. He jus keep telling me dont be too stressed.. dun think so much... but his actions and attitude are not helping at all. He has been cold to me for the past 3 weeks.
4 years of quarrel is a lot to digest. I wouldn't know how to begin.

The topic is not the betrayal but the events leading up to it. You've been fighting for 4 years over issues, yes? Issues which never got an airing but kept bottled up inside him. There's a lot going on in his head that you're not privy to because he finds it easier to avoid talking about it for fear of setting you off and going apesh!t whenever he steps into a minefield
 

Distraughtx

New Member
4 years of quarrel is a lot to digest. I wouldn't know how to begin.

The topic is not the betrayal but the events leading up to it. You've been fighting for 4 years over issues, yes? Issues which never got an airing but kept bottled up inside him. There's a lot going on in his head that you're not privy to because he finds it easier to avoid talking about it for fear of setting you off and going apesh!t whenever he steps into a minefield


Yup i guess so but right now i jus dunno how can we move on from here and he has been trying to act normal but to me is not normal.
 

ing1

Active Member
I guess you have to give him space and take it slow.

Can't expect him to "suddenly" open up to you and speak freely.

Create the right environment and setting to encourage couple talks on a regular basis. Doesn't hv to be formal like Every Friday at 9pm at home etc. Be ez and casual, can hv couple talk while u date.

By the way, he is trying to behave normally but you think its not normal. what is normal and not normal to you?
 

Distraughtx

New Member
I guess you have to give him space and take it slow.

Can't expect him to "suddenly" open up to you and speak freely.

Create the right environment and setting to encourage couple talks on a regular basis. Doesn't hv to be formal like Every Friday at 9pm at home etc. Be ez and casual, can hv couple talk while u date.

By the way, he is trying to behave normally but you think its not normal. what is normal and not normal to you?



Hmm we dont really go on dates now. Is just spending time at home only. Perhaps he would show more concern in the past. But right now i dun feel such concerns anymore. It is as though im no longer important to him
 

ing1

Active Member
Hmm we dont really go on dates now. Is just spending time at home only. Perhaps he would show more concern in the past. But right now i dun feel such concerns anymore. It is as though im no longer important to him
Then u initiate going out for dates. :)

Showing concern in past - erm, how long ago? Recently - just before he got exposed? I am asking cos going cold isn't an overnight thingy.. It could be a symptom that you may hv overlooked for a long time. I hope this will help you to better evaluate your current situation and plan for the future, esp when you are gg to spend the rest of yr life w this person.
 

Distraughtx

New Member
Then u initiate going out for dates. :)

Showing concern in past - erm, how long ago? Recently - just before he got exposed? I am asking cos going cold isn't an overnight thingy.. It could be a symptom that you may hv overlooked for a long time. I hope this will help you to better evaluate your current situation and plan for the future, esp when you are gg to spend the rest of yr life w this person.

Thanks for replying:) we jus went out for a class yesterday but there were awkward silence. I also dunno if i should give him space now or keep initiating dates. I dunno how he feels now :(

There were not much concerns from him after the trigger event. I tried to look at past convo.. it was still normal at the start of jan this year.

I also dunno how long i should give him to cool down and initiate talk with him about our matters
 

Distraughtx

New Member
Have you consider to go for marriage counselling? I think it will be better to have someone to guide you all through this. From the way I see you write, I don't think you should pressure your fiance too much, afterall he is still a human and not a saint.

End of the day, don't just weight the relationship with all the investment you guys have made. You guys need to invest in the relationship to make the relationship works also.

I did consider but he is not open to the idea :(
 
Yup i guess so but right now i jus dunno how can we move on from here and he has been trying to act normal but to me is not normal.
Apart from having a HTHT at the opportune time, do also evaluate what/why are you hanging on to the relationship for?

Don't fall into the trap/fallacy of "sunken cost" - this is a guy whom you are going to spend the rest of your life with. What makes him special and "the one"?

Strip out the flat from your calculus.
 

newproject

Active Member
> I have to admit that my temper is not as good as him and im the one dominating the relationship.

I have only one big question. Are you willing to change? Really change? To salvage the relationship?
 

Distraughtx

New Member
> I have to admit that my temper is not as good as him and im the one dominating the relationship.

I have only one big question. Are you willing to change? Really change? To salvage the relationship?

Yes i guess is for my own good as well to be a better person. The change cant be overnight. Jus slowly change
 

Distraughtx

New Member
Then you got to take the first step and convince him you will try.
But he was telling me that he is acting weirdly because he doesnt wanna be hurt again. I did ask him if he needs space but he told me i can still text him. So im very confused what he is thinking
 
Surely this acting "weird" is not helping matters.

If he needs space to think things through then give the man some space but be prepared for outcomes that may go against you.

长痛不如短痛
 

newproject

Active Member
What is he thinking? He is thinking of breaking up with you. Just hesitating for the usual reasons.

While you seem to think its status quo...

Depending on how much you want to salvage your relationship you can either

a) demand an answer by a certain time or even break up ASAP (i mean he clearly shows intent to jump ship by telling a prospective target he is not attached, so thats intent to cheat)

b) wait patiently for an answer

c) Beg him for a second chance, tell him you will do anything to change to salvage your relationship...

c obviously I don't expect many to do now but if you really desperate...


But he was telling me that he is acting weirdly because he doesnt wanna be hurt again. I did ask him if he needs space but he told me i can still text him. So im very confused what he is thinking
 

arnoldchen

New Member
everyone likes the thrills of dating and feeling wanted. it takes a lot to give in to the other party. i think it helps a lot if one looks inwards first as self reflection and learn to give before we look at what is lacking in our partner.
 

kaylinx

New Member
Hello! I went through a very similar situation to you where my ex fiance (dated since school) revealed to me he has been feeling unheard by me throughout our relationship, and he realised that our relationship was unhealthy for him just 1 month before marriage (was supposed to be May this year). I'm also hot tempered and difficult to argue with.

Partners usually think deeper about their relationship when a big life commitment / event is coming up. I have done quite a lot of readings online and it is especially so for men who usually don't voice out their true feelings (due to traditional stereotypes of having to be "macho" and strong), especially when they are afraid of conflict with us and tend to suppress their emotions. My ex fiance is exactly like this and only voiced his concerns to me 1.5 months before the marriage too. Right after that he became very cold and distant and not the same person anymore as well - acting normal but never the same.

1 month before wedding, he suddenly called it off in the hope that we resolve our issues first before considering marriage again (ignoring the sunk costs of the wedding) - our bto is due late next year. My partner and I are no longer officially engaged or attached but we are keeping in touch and trying to continue with couples' therapy. However he's also completely different, cold and distant and there's a possibility he may be suffering from depression - it's a lot less recognisable in men, who suppress and escape their negative emotions in order to cope. It could have been caused by his continuous suppression of his emotions, resentment and anger building over years that he never was able to address too.

Whether or not you proceeded with your ROM in May, as i am not sure of the latest update, I would strongly advise going for couple's therapy. Individual therapy would also be super helpful for maintaining a calm and grounded emotional state for you through difficult times in your relationship. I have been personally going as well to try to overcome the aftermath of the suddenly cancelled wedding and it has been very helpful for me.

Even if you and your partner do not end up being together, couples' therapy will help you to gain more clarity and insight about your needs and wants from each other. It is also great that you acknowledge you are willing to improve as that's the very first step to reconciliation and rebuilding a more sustainable relationship together. Pls feel free to talk to me if you have any questions or if it would make you feel better! I hope for the best for you and your partner.
 

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