Help - Suspect Mum having an affair outside

[four_seasons]

Hi all

My sister (now in confinement) and i suspect that our mum (in late 60s) is having an affair outside. Some background to justify our suspicion:

a) Our dad is working on very regular hours. Each time he is out at work, my mum would talk to this "old man" on the phone for long periods over several phone calls. We have calls details records from telco so would know that she has been calling this number. We called back and it was answered by an old man each time. Whenever we asked her why the phone engaged for so long so would claim talking to my aunt else she just give a filmsy excuse. Apparently we found that this man lives in a studio apartment for senior citizens - he is either single or widowed as we never heard his wife pick up the call.

b) She goes out very often and each time claiming that with her RC friends for talks, activities.

c) When my sis was heavy with a child and about due she requested my mum to get her lunch as she couldn walk. My mum came to her place at 9am with overnight food and claimed that she has activities at 11am so cant buy lunch for her. If she loves us, she would have put is in priority right? why put the "activities" as 1st priority and sent cold overnight food to my sister? where cant she just for that day skip the "activities" and be with my sister who was about to give birth anytime? why cant she prepare fresh food for my sis ? why ? because she wants to rush to her activities and had no time to prepare fresh food.

d) we found it very dubious as each time she is not consistent with her reply - an indication she is telling a lie.

PLEASE advise if i should just confront her direct ? Help ! Btw, both my sister and i are married and not staying with her. She stays with my dad.

Thanks for your help !

 

[powder]

there's a higher chance that your mum is having illegal gambling sessions than an affair... else it could be religious activities or senior citizen activities... some pickup new things whoch they may feel embarassed to let their family know, line dancing and stuff...

as much as i wish women could still be as sexually active in their 60s, it's not really as easy as or simple as that.

 

[four_seasons]

Thanks, powder. My mum doesnt gamble....very very sure. But then how do we explain why she needs to talk to that old man for long hours over several occasions in a day and it is the same person everyday ??... and this takes place everyday?? Why Why ? Sometime when i think of all these i really lose my respect for her....

 

[inex]

could it be an ex-flame? probably just keep him company coz now he's lonely in his old age?

or even a relative that had fell out with your dad and he disapproves of their keeping in touch.

there could be many possibilities. If you puzzle so much, why not just be open with your mum and ask her?

 

[four_seasons]

I know the name of the person- he is not a relative or someone we know. My mum moved to this matured estate about 2 years ago, probably got acquainted lately. But how to ask her? quite embarassing for her though.

 

[powder]

well it's up to u to find out... if your mind is set on affairs then there's nothing to change it. but u should also be aware tat at 60, chances are quite low for women...

 

[miloice]

4seasons,

"Sometime when i think of all these i really lose my respect for her"

if u even respect your mother enough, stop judging her. Till now, its only your suspicion. Even if it is true, it gives you no right to judge or condemn her.

Your worries are understandable. But the judging isn't.

 

[decembermi]

fourseasons, here's me case, although not quite the same.

7 years back, my aunt told everyone that she saw my mum (40+) on the streets hand in hand with a young man in his 20+, and my mum had borrowed 20K from another aunt to "give" it to the young man. Without verifying, my grandma (my mum's mum) flared up and the rumors began spreading among the family, and I have a quite a big clan, 7 uncles / aunties and 20 cousins. They started calling my dad and say things they shouldn’t have. My parents had a big quarrel and they almost divorce. I moved out with my mum, wonder on the street with no money in the pocket and no place to stay. Sitting on the void deck, I brought a newspaper and started looking for a place to rent.

Imagine the damage done then and gossiping. My parents were just "promoted" to grandparents then... so it's really disgrace to the family isn't it?

Poor her, I asked my mum and she told me it's not true. I choose to believe her. I then called my aunties and uncles, ONE by ONE to see who started all these nonsense. Then I found out who the troublemaker is. She claims she "cannot see clearly but the back view "seems" like my mum only". I asked her if I can say I saw her taking a knife and killed someone but cannot be sure “cos I see the back view†nia so go around telling people too."

She then say sorry and told my grandma that she cried for 3 days cos i refused to forgive her and she almost got knocked by a car when crossing the road. (cos cried 3 days eyes cannot see)

Sorry to say this but I almost hope she gotten hit then. Till today I dun speak to her.

Btw, that 20K was for our new flat payment.

Moral of my story :
1) My auntie is an idiot.
2) I give my mum the benefit of doubt before judging.

Perhaps you should just talk to her directly.
If all this speculation isn't true, then i'm sure your mum will be hurt by you and your sister...

 

[powder]

tat would have really pissed me off Big Time! some pple are too free... they see things they wanna see and think things they wanna think... may not even be true. u only need to look as far as the suspicious spouses who are so engrossed with catching their partners...

 

[skylar]

totally agreed with dlver,
what is there between mothers that you cannot discuss or talk about?

 

[luckymandarins]

If you think it's not the time to ask or asking might be a tad too sensitive... yet you constantly fret about whether is your mother having an affair.
Perhaps you could confide in one of your good pals and trouble them to trail your mother to her activities... just to set your own mind at ease and find the answer you and your sister are so concern with.

Might be pure harmeless activities to while her time since her kids are all grown up... else could be criminating evidences proving your suspicions right... of cos I hope you are proven wrong.
If you happened to get the answer as suspected... discuss with your sister then both decide what to do next.
Else just ask your mother directly if you think she is someone you can trust wholeheartedly with whatever she says.

Pardon me for saying all these cos it so happened that some of my friends' parents who indulged in extra marital affairs had blatantly lied to their spouses and children. Unglamourously so to speak... I happened to be one of the trailing Helpers to ease their concerns (though I am not a qualified PI).

I am no KPO just merely helping my poor kakis when necessary. You need to protect your family too.

 

[phkl]

Hi fourseasons,

Have you resolved your suspicion about your mum? How did you manage it?

I'm also suspecting my dad. But I have limited evidences about it. I have been noticing my dad's movements and activities for a while. Never in my wildest dream that he actually cheated on my ailing mum.

It was a message that caught my eye while I was using my dad's hp (it is my sub-line and I always use it at night). I texted the other woman immediately, I think she doesn't know whom exactly is replying her messages. That's how I found out.

I'm disgusted with the replies and my dad. Now, I'm a little disoriented on what to do, how to help my mum. Of cause,there are other evidences to aid the suspicion. But the hp replies were the direct confirmation. Somehow, it ties up with the overnights in JB when I recalled.

I have taken back all the bank accounts that I have given my dad. Now, I am planning to ask him to transfer the house to my mum or me. Reason being, he has never included my mum in any of his assets whereas my mum included him in some of hers before she got seriously ill.

Now that my mum is quite sickly, he is getting impatient with her and keeps wanting to send her to a home. We keep arguing on this issue almost every other day. I'm not sure whether my dad knows that I am aware or not.

I wonder if anyone here could advise.