Help!!-problem with my mom and hubby....money matters

[lovepinkcolour]

hi guys,

I am a stay at home mom and not working,hubby is the only source of income. Problem is, my mom demands me to give money to her (Just a small amount is allrite with her, as long as I give)

My hubby doesnt allow me to give to my mom as my mom's money is much more than us (my mom is a widow,still got 2 houses, much deposito, still have income, insurance from my late dad and pay all her medical by herself) so my hubby wondring why still asking money from me....FYI our financial is pretty stable too but we still have to save up for my children education,paying mortgage, etc

FYI, .my hubby also doesnt give to his parents as his parents dont want, saying that they still got enough....my hubby's parents never asked money....and their principle is...if they need then they will ask, now they still got enough so will not ask my hubby's money.

FYI Every month my hubby give me some amount of money (not for paying bills, etc), just for me (shopping, etc),..means I can spend for whatever I want, but he said he doesnt agree if I will give some to my mom ( as from my hb opinion, my mom doenst need my money as she still got a lot)..........sigh...

What do you guys think...? what will u do if u were me? still give ur mom without hubby's knowing or just iqnore ur mom? I already tried to explain to mom that Im not working, all my income come from hubby and moreover she still got lots of money, but she always said that only small small amount is ok with her, as long as I give, she said giving her money is a sign that I still remember her. FYI I always sms or call her few times in a week, I dont think giving money is the ONLY way to show that I still remember her rite? why money?? she doesnt need my money anyway as she got alot....but she doesnt want to understand this...


IF you were me,will you be honest with ur mom, explaining that ur hubby doesnt allow you to give ur mom? or just give small amount to her without hubby's knowing? problem is i dont want to lie to hubby......as I love him so much.....

your opinion plss......btw any of ur parents still ask for money when they got more than you???? I dont mind to give all my money if my mom doesnt have money ,problem is she's now got more then enough..... opinion opinion???? do u think my mom is so unreasonable or my hubby is stingy?? I confuse now

 

[green_tranquility]

Why do u have to listen to everything your hubby said and report your everything to him?

Just give your mom some allowance discreetly lah. Don't need to report to him about it. Problem is solved.

 

[infojunkie]

just give if u can afford to give, and dun let ur hubby know... sometimes no need to be so honest wan lah

 

[green_tranquility]

Don't lose your own identify after getting married.

 

[whereto]

I will give small amount without hubby knowing, provided my mom kept quiet too.

 

[octo]

Er.. don't you have any saving of your own previously? Why cant you give your mum from your own 'personal saving'?

Or another option to explore is to open an joint fixed deposit account with your mum using your own saving? And the interest from the fixed deposit will go to your mum's personal saving account monthly.

 

[lovepinkcolour]

shir, all my personal savings have been used for wedding and actually havent got much saving before as after graduated then work 6 mnths then married.......now dun work coz have children .....

 

[its_fate]

Sounds contradicting. The hubby give her $$ for shopping and can spend whatever she wants but cannot give allowance to parent.

No saving coz all spent on wedding.. Which mean after marriage, though with allowance given by the hubby, all goes to shopping????? Dun even want to save up for "rainy day"?

Parent asked for $$ then claim dun have. Standing by the “strong point†that the parent is so much richer then them….. Ermmmm… not even a mere $50?? Quote - “(Just a small amount is allrite with her, as long as I give.......

 

[powder]

if i'm your mum, u won't be getting anything After i die... ask u for token u dun give nevermind, still need to tell me i got money so u dun have to give...

then as children i might as well tell u MacDonald's employing part-time so i dun need to give u allowance. then uni u also go work part-time raise your tuition... on top of that make u pay for food n shelter...

the way u guys jutify not to give - leaves a bitter taste in the mouth...

"but she always said that only small small amount is ok with her, as long as I give, she said giving her money is a sign that I still remember her."
- unless she makes noise with token amounts, i dun think your mum is unresonable. And pls lor.. u guys no money should not be Her problem... if she no money also die die gotta raise u rite?

 

[lovepinkcolour]

last time I gave her some amount, and then she said other kids gave her parents this amount....and that amount, so actually the amount is matter to her....isn't it...?

anyway thanks for all the comments.

Thread closed.

 

[green_tranquility]

love pink,
Your mum has fed you for 20 over years. You think the amount of allowance you gave her so far is enough to compensate the time, efforts and $$$ that she has spent on you (20 years) meh?

Hope your kid won't inherit your thinking towards your mum LOL. What if your kid refuses to give you money and visit you next time becos of what his/her spouse said?

Btw if you want to improve your financial situation, you should consider getting a job and sending your kid to a nursery in the day time. I know it isn't easy being a working mother but it can be done. Many ladies are working mothers in Spore.

 

[green_tranquility]

Side track from the thread topic...

Haiz I realise more and more adults are treating their parents' wealth/money as their own money nowadays. Their parents must pay for their wedding, their house, and even their grandchildren's expenses.

 

[simpleman]

Whatever your hb gives you for your spending is yours. Your HB has no right to question you. If you decide to give part of it to your mom, that is your perogative. If you hb disagrees, then tell him that you have a right do decide what you deem fit.

As for your mother. Yes, give her some amount that you are comfortable with. And since she don't really need the money, explain to her that you are not working and hence the amount.

 

[powder]

Green, similar observation but of cos i'm hoping it's a minority than a norm... the parental support seems taken for granted nowadays.

 

[alcifertoh]

I just feel that TS is not that keen of giving anyway. If really wish to give, she can find all sort of ways to do so than needing justifications on the stand of her mum and hubby.

 

[its_fate]

HBH - Bingo.. Guess most of us see this point in here...

 

[powder]

seeking of validation n approval... which when not gotten any, decide to close thread... very similar to those pple who start topics to bitch, realise that they're being reprimanded for even bitching, and they simply fold arms n say 'fine!'.

this one giveaway - "btw any of ur parents still ask for money when they got more than you????"

the question itself sets a condition for giving... and it can be Moot, becos i think my daughter's chances of having more money than me til she's 30... is ultra low. and i doubt she can have 2 houses before me... So the condition set For giving allowance seems to require Poverty of sorts. (if my daughter and husband thinks this way, i'm pretty sure i'd give my houses n money to charity)

actually i'm not even convinced that they will give money even if mum is poor. But i am sure they will be there when mum dies - to get inheritance...

dun mean to make the judgment, but i think it reflects...

 

[alcifertoh]

How do you even justify poverty in this sense... Struggling over daily meals and shelter then you will give? Give means give. What's even with the thoughts of why you should give?

I will be interested to know the qualifying citeria of TS and her hubby to give heh.

The thinking of you are rich hence I don't give you also equates to if I am poor you HAVE to give me from the children side.

Really distasteful.

 

[lovepinkcolour]

guys , if my mom is in need i dont mind to give all the money i have!! the thing is I need the money more than my mom!! dont u guys understand???

problem is hubby no allow me to give, and hubby claimed all the money come from his income, plus hubby not allowing me to work...so how??\

btw I will not expect money from my children later on, if I can i will only give give not take.....even if I can buy house for them, but not asking sth in return, that's my principle....being parents are our responsibility, why asking sth in return?...moreover if my money is much more why asking from my children ???? Anyway this is also my hubby's family principle so thats why it's really hard for hubby to understand me wanting to give some "token of appreciation" to my mom

anyway I already solve my problem will give her amount on special occasion with hubby consent

thanks for all ur comments!!!

 

[alcifertoh]

You still don't quite get it and speak as if you does not have much choices... Pushing it all to your hubby and etc.

Your hubby's family principle? Why talk about principle when you have none? Or have you left it behind the day you got married with your hubby?

What's your own stand? Honestly do you yourself even feel like giving your mum the allowance?

 

[lovepinkcolour]

of coz I want to give to my mom, I just scared with hubby... hubby keep telling me why listen to her...she doesnt need the money,...I dont want to argue with him. In the end hubby is the one i have to live with for the rest of my life, ..so dun want to create trouble with him.

anyway like i said my mom already happy with me giving on special occasion, so problem solved.

 

[powder]

love pink, it's ok... u 'solved' it liao u can leave the thread. u consider it closed liao mah... we're just discussing on the topic After u left...

 

[alcifertoh]

Underlying problem. You are losing yourself.

 

[powder]

hbh dude,

so u have to decide if u wanna work so hard to save alot of money for the kids... or u wanna spend and live life to the fullest without too much consideration for them...

leaving your money to lousy children is as good as doing a bad deed before u leave this world...

 

[salsa_babe]

it seems to me that TS is more concerned abt the hb being not happy..

it's the thought that counts....so what if the mum has much more money than TS.
We dun hv to agree to everything the hb said.

One point that I dun understand..

our financial is pretty stable too
need the money more than my mom
hubby not allowing me to work

 

[alcifertoh]

Power,

Yeah man. Scarly later still kenna blame for screwing their life up.

I will work hard and keep the money and enjoy it myself and donate to charity than giving to those that does not deserve it.

Was thinking... will the kids ask parents to pay for their own share if they eat together outside just because the parents is richer? Or they will expect the parents to pay for everything heh.

 

[salsa_babe]

hahahaha.......give only on special consent and somemore with hb's consent?

Actually....you yourself dun want to give lah

 

[skylar]

OMG this is sooo ridiculous...

did TS ever wonder how she GREW up herself to where she is today? who FED her then? did she consider how much her parents or mom spent on her? Food, Education etc...

there is no need for TS to listen to her hb.. pls lah.. it is OBVIOUS that her mom is not asking for a BIG amt of $$ just a small token to "jiak kueh" so called.. so its all up to u already!!

I disagree with you saying that u call or sms her many times etc & $$ is NOT THE ONLY thing to show that you care... WTF???

So what if ur hb is not giving his parents $$? so u also cannot give ur mom? Think about it.. your mom is a widow.. so what if she is richer than any of you.. are u so meticulous in counting cents here?

 

[skylar]

Last word..

I feel sad for TS mom... whats the point of having such a daughter?

I feel that TS is sooo selfish to think that HB is the one she is spending her entire life with so better not mess with him...

I feel ashamed for a woman like her.

 

[powder]

hbh,

the whole face of things has changed... it's hard to explain, but u have alot of little cockroaches running around now trying to rule the world without actually getting in position. alot of Coaches without qualifications...

spore is getting more materialistic and money is sensitive and hoarded. pple are no longer honest... there's alot of å°åŠ¨ä½œ going around where pple think nobody will know, or nobody can catch... actually some agendas are easy to see... pple just think they're smarter than they actually are...

 

[its_fate]

Juz remember, what goes around comes around.. I feel ashamed if I were to know you...

It's sad to see how human being are becoming. Everything about "Me, Myself and I"..

Powder - Me like your sentence: " But i am sure they will be there when mum dies - to get inheritance..." hehehehe.... sounds crude but could be the "truth"..

TS, if you are "still" reading the post,I have something to tell you. I believe your first instinct when to come to her inheritance is you have Every Rights to claim them coz you are Her Daughter and You Are Poorer Than HER!.. =)

 

[powder]

it's just some thoughts tat has hit me, not just from this thread... but the general impression i'm getting with the younger ones on money and materials... we can attribute to the cost of living and everything, but there's no excuse for shirking our responsibilities... there's little value in justifying Means with Means.

it's like hanging around with frens who never offer to pay, simply becos u earn more than them. or those who feel the rich have to be penalised more. or those who feel they deserve help becos they're poorer...

very local... very sporean... very self-serving.

And wat makes it even more scary - is how pple still wanna save their 'face' when they try to justify... like the rest of us are dumb and can't see.

 

[skylar]

true true... powder.. so sad hor..

m glad that some parts of me very tradition indeed..

 

[ggoldfish]

my parents may disown me and chased me out of the house cox i going to marry someone they dislike...but i managed to get my dad's bank account number, so i will still contribute monthly through bank transfer no matter what...not because i feel guilty and want to make amendments, just feel that i need to fulfil this duty of a daughter...even though my parents despise my bf and insulted him countless times, bf dun hate my parents and supported my idea of transferring through bank...he also contribute a hugh chunk of his pay to his family...these are just my thoughts, though some may think we jux trying to make amendments for being unfilisl...

 

[powder]

i think your parents will eventually get around...

 

[its_fate]

actually it's only "want or don't want" to give... ai or mai...

Dun have to bring out so many "reasons" to support your stand.. "if you think your stand is firm"

No one can fault you for not giving allowance to parents. However, by giving too many reasons show how "fake" you can be. Trying to act filial and pushing all blames to others???..Hmmmmmm....

 

[green_tranquility]

Ggoldfish,
It's good to use the bank account to pass your parents allowance monthly. It's showing them that you still care about them even after marriage.

On your parents' birthdays and Chinese New Year, you can also pay them visits and send them gifts.

There's a chinese phase "嘴硬心软", "mouth is hard heart is soft". I think it's true for many old folks. Your parents' hearts will probably soften after seeing with their eyes how happy you are with your HTB after marriage.

 

[green_tranquility]

TS obviously has the choice in her hands but she comes up with so many excuses LOL.

 

[salsa_babe]

basically, TS was just using the hb as the excuse.

Wat hb dun allow her to work lah, mum has more money than them etc etc...is all crap to me.

 

[alcifertoh]

I will disown my partner if she stops me from doing what I want to do for my parents.

Another breed among the roaches family line I notice are those who are still staying with parents, contributing abit monthly and think they rule the world and rights of stay when what they given is not even enough to cover the rental of a room.

When they still depend on parents, they never say anything about what they take from them. When they no longer depends on parents, they feel that they should be least obliged to them.

Very ugly.

"we can attribute to the cost of living and everything, but there's no excuse for shirking our responsibilities... there's little value in justifying Means with Means."

Rem a project done by my wife's school. They interviewed an old man picking cans by the streets.

Interviewer: Why are you doing this? You have any children?

Old Man: Yeah... 4 of them

Interviewer: They never support you?

Old Man: They say they tough cannot support...

Interviewer: All 4?

Old Man: Yeah... Last time I one person can support 4... now 4 also cannot support me 1...

Actually it's quite a sad that they even discuss mandatory laws in parliment for looking after parents. And parents kenna abused by childrens. Side tracked liao but it's really sad.

 

[panicky]

TS is selfish and unfilial.

This is not a question of who has more money, or who needs it more. TS, she is your MOTHER, for goodness sake!

Don't use your husband as an excuse. It's obvious that you share the same view as your him. You claim that you need the money more than your mum, but you can spend all your allowance on personal pleasures such as shopping?? So don't blame your husband and claim that the problem has been resolved by giving money on special occasions. You haven't dealt with the underlying problem which is your selfishness.

If I were your mum, I'll probably donate all my money to charity after I'm gone.. instead of wasting it on such an unfilial daughter like you.

I am very disappointed in your way of thinking. And I do hope that your children don't take after you, for your own good.

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

When you are doing something against your will, there is always 101 reasons stopping you...

When you do it willingly, I don't think you even need a reason for that...

My MIL is staying with us..As she is not working, we need to support her..Does this give us the excuse of not giving her monthly allowance? No.

My husband is still giving her allowance...altho it is lesser than what he used to give before we got married..and MIL understands that it's becos we have more burdens now that we have our own house...

I will find myself detestable if I were to stop my husband from giving allowance to MIL..we have commitments, we don't earn much..but it doesn't mean we should stop caring....

 

[miloice]

I stay with my inlaws too. She has some substantial inheritance from her deceased husband. It is none of the children's biz. I don't even bother to find out how much. We still take good care of her, endure her naggings, and give her pocket money that she never spends.

Our parents money is their money. It has zero references to how much or should we take care of them.

TS, reflect upon it. It affects no one else but your family, children and parents.

 

[denise80]

I'm more concerned with the fact that TS seems to be under the control of her hubby...she made him sound like a typical MCP who's totally not family-oriented.

TS also appears to be a very dependent woman after she got married and have children.

Yet again, some parents can be more demanding than others. I give my parents allowances monthly. Though it's a mere $600, after marriage, my mum kept giving me 'advice' such as not to contribute so much to my own family (as in my hubby and I) but to increase my contribution to my own family. I think they're afraid that they've really 'lost' a daughter here or what. After having spent a bomb for my wedding, how could I still increase the monthly allowances for them? I told them status quo till next promotion or pay raise but if kids come along, then gotta be realistic too.

 

[alcifertoh]

I believe most parents are understanding and will spare the thoughts for the plight of the children if any.

Thinkings may be traditional or watsoever from them but we should be fulfilling what we ought to.

Whats most important is the sincerity and willingness.

I don't think the problem lies on TS husband being mcp or not but rather her own stand on the entire issue. It seems that she totally lost her roots.

What I could not stand most was the statement that she proclaims her husband is the one she gonna spend the rest of her live with hence she shall not offend him in anyway. Who given her life in the first place?

 

[xylon]

Am heartened to see so many filial people. =)

I believe TS is just like many of us, who are filial to our parents. However, she is caught in an all too common tricky spouse / in-laws situation.

From what she said, maybe she did not meet the expectations of filial daughter by our standards.

At least she put in effort to come out with a solution. At lease she stood by her upright principal not to lie. For me, I am impressed and applaud her thoughts and action.

I think anyone of us would appreciate a honest spouse too.

 

[whereto]

Everyone is raise up with different family value, like my partner side everyone so uptight about money, while my side, we share problem equally. So he couldnt understand why me, the married daughter, still have to share the problem equally.

 

[firave]

What an active forum here and is hoping to get advice from the mothers here..

Does anyone of you stay with your in laws, and if you do, do you give them monthly allowance?

My IL remarked that the money given is too little, well, there are 3 kids (a baby, a toddler & a P6) staying together under the same roof now. In the market, the rate is like $800-$1000 if I have the baby stay over at the nanny's place.

Curious to findout from the market, whats the going rate that u give to ur inlaws? Most of the expenses of the house is fork from both me & my hb joint account - utilities, SCV, pty tax etc.

Thks

 

[ggoldfish]

powder, thanks

green, thanks for the suggestions, we will definitely do it

 

[dramarama]

My husband is a Caucasian. He had never heard of filial money until we lived together. I guess filial piety wasn't a big thing in their culture?

When I told him I give my mother a token sum every month he was very touched by the gesture. He asked if we can do the same for his parents. Of course his parents was
uncomfortable with the arrangement at the beginning but now
they appreciate the little 'pocket money'.