Help! Marriage treading on a thin red line.

[depressed_guy]

Hi powder.....after reading through your last respond......yes....it sadly does makes sense to me. The love in my heart has taken a backstand that my wife plays more of a role of mother more than a lover.

The feeling for her still there but nv as strong as before. For all you said....maybe the counselling is more for my needs for all i know.

 

[avante]

Hey lost,

Try sending this song to your wife, guess it more than adequately expressed your feelings.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0p6lpk98TRQ&feature=related

Lyrics:

It can come to us...
I didnt know that separation could come
maybe my love wasnt enough
maybe it was lacking. im sorry for everything

but telling me to live as someone who doesnt know you..
telling me to go meet other new people
the reality of your words doesnt sink into me yet
you leave me... how can you leave me...

please dont do this... look at my sadness
what do you want me to do with this regret?
i want to turn back time. dont leave me
i miss you so much that my heart will explode

im left alone like this
but you are coldly frozen up
why arent those words sinking in?
you leave me... how can you leave me?

i could've given you everything by now
i was gonna make you happy and carefree
it hurts... i miss you so much
if i wait like this, you'll return...

i didnt know i would be alone again
i stupidly thought you would be the last in my life

(dont do this please) i really love you
i was gonna make you happy and carefree
I was gonna do everything for you
i want to turn back time. dont leave me
i miss you so much that my heart will explode

 

[powder]

dude depressed,

get your head straightened out first, before proceeding to open your mouth or act... Too often u see pple reacting to their immediate emotions and screwing things up. after things get screwed up, some of them are still clueless at how it ended the way it ended.

i've never seen couples quarrelling and showing each other up, and then next thing they start to understand where each other are coming from... The only time they actually get to reconcile and truly Understand, is after some time alone or away... and perhaps months after being separated. tat's why Hindsight can be one of our best teachers...

if u can practise 'Hindsight' before everything, before every issue and obstacle and your problems... then u can actually skip 2-3 unnecessary stages. But u need to have a very good control over your emotions to do this... Anger is normal, but u dun have to show it, do u?

the thing that will close the door on u and your wife - will be everything u do now that will make it very hard for her to turn back Even if she wanted to.

hope u can find peace within first... life will always have a way of working out... trust me - u will find happiness again, and u will be happy again. u just need to give Life a chance to show u the other sources...

 

[avante]

Powder:

Yeah, I agree with you that a cooling off period is useful as we tend to react to our immediate emotions and screw things up.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hey Thanks Avante.

Powder,

To have control over emotion takes a lot of life experience to do so. I admit i might not even have full control of my mind....not to mention anger.

Hindsight is often what i see more as regret. To be able to master hindsight takes a lot.....which going thru the "2-3 unnecessary stages" is necessary to understand it.

I'm not too sure if i've closed too much door for the counselling or myself to open. But one thing is for certain....i still carries hope for this marriage....not for the sake of it...but for the dreams we carries & the feelings that buried over time.

I'm now living apart from my wife temperory....maybe it could be both good & bad.

 

[avante]

Lost:

How long have you been living apart from your wife ?

Why not try cutting off contacts with her for a few weeks and allow both of you to cool down.

Absence makes the heart fonder. As you yourself said, your wife is irritated at the sight of you. So perhaps you should not see her temporarily to remove the source of anger and let the suppressed feelings of love for you emerge.

One cannot think clearly if her mind is constantly be clouded by these negative emotions.

 

[depressed_guy]

Its coming up to 2 weeks...but i still went back to see my little ones at in-law's place.

 

[avante]

2 weeks is too short, trying living a life without her for 2 - 3 months. If she has a change of heart, she will return to you. Take it easy. Non-action is actually the only course of viable action available to you now.

 

[powder]

depressed,

Hindsight should not give u regrets, it should give u a feeling of relieve that u made the right decision. If u find that Hindsight gives u regrets - then the problem often lies in yourself and the things u do... the things u do is often determined by the way u think... so back to the single most important factor - Your Mindset.

controlling our anger is the one of the most important trait any person can have. in fact it's also a very Powerful tool... just think abt it - nomatter how angry u are, when u keep shouting/scolding a person who doesn't shout/scold back... u will be forced to stop becos the person just keeps quiet. and after while more... u will be hoping they say something... but they keep quiet. when they finally speak - u WILL LISTEN more attentively.

take the opportunity to better yourself as a person.

 

[vios]

Hi depressed _guy,

instead of dwelling in unnecessary/negative stuffs (ie. blame game, 'karma' theories), get yourself out of the mudhole and do a reflection as a whole - The type of Guy whom you've always aspired to be, The type of Husband that you should/can be.

in true honesty, you will re-discover yourself during this cooling-off period if you actually make use of it.


Cheers.

 

[pinkhippo2002]

Depressed

During this period apart, although you may not see your wife physically, you can send her flowers, sms her (not too many, perhaps 3 sms a day) or mail her a hallmark card to show your care & concern.

For the sake of children, most women are 'soft-hearted' & may choose to give their husbands another chance.

Hopefully you treasure her even more after this incident.

 

[miloice]

3 times a day is quite alot sometimes. Its not the frequency but the appropriate timings that matters. Will be good to have good friends that remain in contact with her. They serve as good survillence for you.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi pinkhippo

I believe she prefer to be left alone as i tried twice to ask her out for dinner on seperate times both rejected flatly even though its at convenience.
Even when i sms her to ask bout how's her entry exam....no response received at all.

Hi miloice

Problem is she also hide things from her best friends from what they told me....her sisters don't bother bout anything anymore.
Its practically between me & her now.

 

[avante]

Hi Lost,

It seems like your wife wants to be left ALONE by herself at the moment.

Please respect her and give her the time and space she craves. Stop SMSing or calling her. The more you do, the more peeved she will be with you and the more she will distance herself away from you.

Sever all contacts with her for a month or two and see what happenes next.

 

[pinkhippo2002]

not asking you to ask her out

no need to see her face to face & you can do all the above. flowers, sms, hallmark card
You are just showing you still care about her, she's still in your mind. Please don't have the expectation she must response

from my point of view (I can't speak for all woman), if my hubby left me alone with absolutely no contact, nothing at all...I would assume he doesn't love me anymore, that he totally gives up on me, don't have the option to consider returning to his side

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi pinkhippo

Thanks for your point of view.
I get your meaning....just let her feel i'm still around but not making her feel i'm pestering. =)

 

[depressed_guy]

Went through first session of counselling. The counsellor seems worried bout the situation.....suggested to do a marriage situation evaluation or sort upon next session.

 

[gracelourdes]

at least it gets moving...dun study too much into that

 

[miloice]

hi bro,
for sure she would hide these stuffs. This is normal. However, friends can help because you have 1st hand info on when to call and when not to.

They might not know the details but it would give you some idea if its a good time to call her to catch up or not. In a way, its being tactical in the way you approach your wife. It helps alot if timing is right and you are there for her.

And the opposite is also true, if you come on strongly at the most inappropriate moments. Humans are emotional creatures. No matter how harsh and firm she seems, she is human. You touch her heart at the right moment, it might just work.

Not trying to paint a rosy pic but u are going to need all the luck and timing on your side for any chance actually.

 

[depressed_guy]

Situation now paints it worse in my view.

My wife just told me "The counselling is not useful....its just making me repeat what i have said. They're just making us talk & talk which i'm finding it pointless"

Her friends also have no updates on how's she doing coz she kinda isolated herself from her buddies. Her sisters are just acting as nothing has happened.

I just have the impression she's just doing things to vindicate herself. Her efforts for the counselling don't feels coming from her heart.

Prolly she's just waiting for me to blow whistle & call quits on this marriage so she won't be the evil one to decide the end of marriage.

 

[powder]

tat's quite possible... locals not very good at taking up the responsibility to make painful decisions, normally prefer to let others make it and be the bad guy...

if the counselling dun work then best to stop it... i'm not an advocator of counselling in s'pore... local Mentality at work again - it becomes a human tendency to want the counsellors to play judge and use it as a platform for more finger-pointing... if someone already feels trapped in a marriage, repeating the weaknesses/problems during counselling will only build resentment to a marriage.

 

[bloodparrot]

I don't go for any counselling service, cos I always self-heal.. if can't heal, then I just leave it as it is which is also a kind of 'healing' I think

cos ultimately it will work it out by itself..may or may not be what u want, but if u accept the outcome, then the problem is resolved, isn't it?

Life's too short to remain so sad..

 

[avante]

Hi Lost,

Don't lose hope. If counselling doesn't help, you may like to try something else.

Read through the materials on these 2 websites, hope they will be of use to you:

www.savemymarriage.com

www.divorcebusting.com

 

[blackeagle]

Sorry to hear of yr difficult situation. I think yr wife has already work out her exit strategy. Being selfish, you must work out yours. You dun really have a choice but to get real evidence of her infidelity. If you institute divorce now, you will lose everything.

Think logically, will you ever treat her the same way again?? That shld give you yr answer.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Justice Pao,

I did asked myself.....so if i get back together with her....will it be back like normal?

I just cannot let go the thought she lied to me twice contacting the guy she promised to cut contact for the sake of family. It will always haunt my life as long as the marriage exist.

Like powder said.....the counselling session seems to be like a judgement session to who's at fault. My hope for it is dimishing. The next monday after tomorrow will be the upcoming session.....i already told my wife "if you find it pointless still just let me know"

 

[avante]

Lost:

You are being too harsh on your wife, it's counter-productive. You can't expect her to warm up to you overnight after these years of neglect and hurt. Instead of showing her your care and concern, you are pushing her away further from you. If you still haven't forgiven her for contacting the guy, there's no point in going for counseling. You seriously need to cool down and take a time out from your relationship. Continuing in this manner will only compound matters.

 

[simpleman]

depressed guy,

Being in the state you are in, it is not going to be very helpful.

You are already having doubts and I can imagine your behaviour in front of your wife.

If you can't forget the promise and lie about contacting the guy, then I see no hope in your marriage. Might as well call it quit.

 

[miloice]

depressed guy,

if u cannot let go of the thoughts, then move on. There is really no 2 ways about it.

Realistically speaking, u cannot hold on to the marry when she is planning her exit and you still holding on the hurt and betrayal.

 

[avante]

I think it's premature to talk about an exit now. Please think about the kids, life will never be same again for them in a broken family. Be patience and see how things work out. Sometimes the more you try, the more it will backfire. Adopt a complete hands-off approach and you may get a different result.

 

[buri_e]

Hi depressed guy

If you really want the marriage back & for the sake of your children, learn to forgive your wife from your heart.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Buri_e

but sometimes i can't help but to feel upset when i'm still doing things for this marriage.......but she just held her head up high with pride & not admitting any mistakes while conveniently shifting everything on me.

 

[miloice]

hi bro,

its the instinctive thing for humans to do. She wants out, the only way to get pass herself is to stay convicted that its all your fault.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Milo

I guess this explains so....but it just wears out my hope to put this family back into pieces.

It just feels like she's telling me...."since you're the one looking to mend this family so you are the fault in the first place."

 

[avante]

Bro, when all else fails, hold your head high up and let her go.

 

[depressed_guy]

 

[depressed_guy]

Been 7 weeks after the whole episode.
My heart already packed up.....mind already flagging taxi out.

But just one very weekend where my wife left my 2 kids with in-law......one of them sick with fever & vomitting......and my wife went out to "work OT" but obviously i already proven that a lie when i tried visiting her at the workplace to find no one.

Over this incident i still feel upset.....does it means i still have not completely forsaken the marriage?

 

[miloice]

hi bro...

You are human... for sure. u will be upset one.why even bother to look for her at the workplace? What are you looking for? Verification if she is lying? Would it be better if she didn't lie and just say she has a date?

In a way, you are asking for it loh.

 

[vios]

Hi depressed_guy,

you have not completely let it go because you refuse to believe that she is "out" of the marrige, at least spirtually.

Throughout the seven weeks (relatively at the beginning stage), you have tried ways and means to sustain the marriage... but it seem like there's no positive reactions on her part.
You know something.... it's about time to face and accept the truth wholeheartedly. It's tough but for sooner than later.

 

[simpleman]

depressed guy,

7 weeks is still early days.. If you need more time, you will need more time. Just find things to do and not think too much.

It will be fine eventually.

 

[powder]

just wake up and look around.

u see her?

so u either go look for her, win her back, or carry on walking.


wish u all the best dude.

 

[depressed_guy]

Things somehow worsen at this point.
Yesterday i went back to visit my kids......and had a short talk with my wife regarding finance coz my degree kick starting July.

I just asked to lower slightly on the kids expenses since the amount i provided was more than 1/2 my pay and my wife IS working now.

Instead she blasted at me saying she's planning to put the kids to childcare & nanny and i'm expected to pump out up to 4/5 of my pay to finance that.
Reason is that my in-laws are unhappy that my wife lied to them that she's working on weekend. My in-law willingly help to take care my kids for sake of my wife to work but she lied and went out to enjoy.

I offered that my sis isn't working and can help to take care......she just rejected flatly saying "I don't trust your family"

I tried to reason out a bit coz the amount she's earning back is pretty much 3/4 of my earning now yet she can tell me she need to save for her upcoming 3yr fulltime studies & personal expennses.

The most devastating portion is that she butted me saying...."once my freelance takes flight and have financial stability, i won't take a single cent from you.......but i will never ever let you see our kids again......and i'll change both kids' name to my surname instead."

I was really hurt by the last part she said.

 

[depressed_guy]

Thanks powder, simpleman

Decided to move ahead in life now.
My degree course would be starting in 1st July
Now started working on weekends too for extra funding.

As for the enstranglement.....i decided to end it. I don't wish it to affect my degree studies. Arranging for free legal advice to check out the situation as i feel i'm on the losing side for moving out with a "valid" reason. The longer i drag the more disadvantageous it would be to me it seems.

 

[miloice]

hi lost,

she has no right to prevent the kids from seeing you. She can divorce you. But that's terminating the marriage, its not terminating the parenthood and relationship between father and child.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Miloice,

I have heard where mother granted full custody & judge only giving one day per week to visit the kid.

And for the single day of visit.....i have know of heartless moms who take MC for the kids so the dad cannot visit them on the day.

 

[miloice]

hi bro,

many MCs can she take? Once every week for 52 weeks in a yr?

 

[avante]

Women are heartless creatures when they lost interest in you. The rule of the game is: just do it and get lost.

 

[miloice]

Thanks for your gender basing.

My guess is you are speaking from personal experience?

Ponder about this... could your mentality and poor attitude towards your partner have contributed to it?

 

[avante]

I'm just consoling depressed_guy, I'm glad he has finally woken up.

 

[miloice]

Its a strange way of consoling.

"Women are heartless creatures"... your mum happens to be a woman too. Is she a heartless creature to you?

 

[powder]

hi Lost,

do wat needs to be done in your studies... finances - dun worry abt it if u cannot do anything abt it. your actions are already in place so let that take the lead. let me know if u have problems with that.

for the remaining problems, learn to be like a piece of tofu... do nothing. if she pokes u let her poke, if she threatens u let her threaten. if u dun get to see kids then just try to catch a glimpse of them from afar. if u have a chance to see them then see them.

u're at a point where u have to learn to control any Reactive actions and thoughts. so channel your energy into pro-active thoughts... how u're gonna get out of this a better man and a winner. emotionally just gotta manage yourself... u dun need to understand why this is happening to u, u just need to know it is happening to u and u will get out of this a better man.

financially, money lost can be earned. as for alimony and child-support, fight for a lumpsum if possible ie 2k, then from there - work towards a 7-8k salary... and the 2k would seem a small amount. whether we're saddled with financial commitments from marriage, children or illness - we will be able to triumph if we put our hearts to it. Trust me on that.

go back to bachelorhood mode and work hard to be able to provide for your kids, whoseever surname they may bear - they will always be your kids... it dun matter no more. the words said in jest, just let them flow in and out of your ears...

take care, have faith... believe in yourself.