Help! Marriage treading on a thin red line.

[gracelourdes]

Avan - sorry if i meant it that way...just tot i mentioned it in case it strike a spark here...anyway, no worries

sometimes we do say wat we feel according to our own experiences...not sure if that's the case for u...but anyway, tis is abt Depressed...

in my opinions frm all that u have said, can i just add sth? when i was a tad younger, i did have quite a handful of gfs who got married and did so cos they were pregnant...the thing is, i dun noe any of them whose marriage lasted...also, frm the place i worked where we used to do cases of divorce, etc...alot of them with similar situations dun last either...

sorry, i'm not trying to add salt onto wounds...wat i'm saying that is, do all and watever u can to woo her back...though i'm a woman, i do somehow agree with Avan's sentence that women, once minds made up will be heartless...

however, i'm sure ur kids will be the ones who would be most affected thruout their growing up years...but tis is not sth that u can prevent if it were to happen in the end, however hard u try to wish it didn't cos of ur family background...they will understand when they r older...

ultimately, i tik the bottomline here is, do watever u can...but if she's still not touched by your actions, gestures or ur love, pls move on...maybe that would be even better for the both of u, rather than for the kids to have 2 parents living in a love-less marriage...shouting...screaming...crying...that's even worse for the kids eventually...

i'm so sorry if any of the above of wat i've said saddens u in any way at all...cos to love someone is also to 'set' that person free...at least u have tried...

lastly, have hope

 

[avante]

Well, may I add that while women are heartless during the period in which they think they have made up their minds, that does not mean they may not have a change of heart later on. :=)

So depressed, while not losing hope completely, the most important thing to do now is to take care of yourself first. It is unlikely that your wife will return to you any time sooner. It may take a few months or even longer, are you going to torment yourself continuously.

Make preparations mentally to move on and live life as if your wife is no longer by your side. If she returns, that is a bonus. If she does not, you will be ready to move on in the next phase of your life.

I know it's easy to talk here while you are the one who is suffering. Just rest assured that no matter what happens, even if the sky were to fall, there will always be friends who will stand by you. Take care !

 

[simpleman]

depressed guy,

since the children are being taken care of by your wife's side, try to leave it that way.

Put it this way. We don't want custody for the sake of custody. We want the best for our children. If the children are better take care of by the mother side - let it be for their good.

You can still ask for joint custody and can visit them and bring them out.

But as I said, it is still early days. Trying not to plan things with your wife. give her space. Plan a little of your own life, start a new hobby, make new friends and change your life-style. Who knows what will happen in the future.

In a situation like this, expecting your wife to even enjoy a simple meal with you is difficult. One of the reason why she won't want that because she don't want to - there are many reasons to it and not only because she is probably seeing someone else.

To spend some family time with her, plan activities around the children that she can participate. She won't reject you for the children's sake, hopefully.

 

[simpleman]

Whether a woman is heartless or not is not important. We can't change that behaviour. But we can change how we want to live. We make make ourselves lovable again and then perhaps, woman won't be that heartless against a more lovable guy - a guy who show her respect, give her space, show her concern and what's more, father of her children.

If you do your best to live a better life and even if your wife is not turning back, you will end up being happier and a better man.

The focus should be what you can do and not about the wife.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Leftbehind,

I did look ahead when i had discussion with my wife but she always never fail to bring up the past 2yrs of neglect to push the blame completely to me. I did told her not to bring up the past so we can look forward to improvement...but it failed terribly.

Hi Avan Lim,

Maybe the change of heart doesn't comes twice to her. It could be that she already tried all the while for past 2yrs which results in current situation of despair.
---------------------------------------------

Now i just feel that she's getting more & more shallow, she can tell different story to different ppl.

Telling me she's going off elsewhere to get things after work & can't meet me (coz i said to go her office to find her). But telling her best friend that she's stuck at work & can't meet them up. Both were the same day & time but different story told.

Today's lunch i offered to meet her up but she just rejects me coldly with several unstructured & inconsistant replies when i told her its so close to my office (only 3 bus stops away).

Above 2 paragraph incident is driving me towards moments of lost direction....i'm losing faith that this marriage is to be saved. Its getting me back to the neurotic mind that she's meeting up Mr G.

Morever now she have a practical friend who's in the picture supporting her with Mr G and to break away from this family...guiding her with advice to secretly seek legal aid which she nv let me know.

As Avan Lim suggested....i'm worried its just a delay tactic she's playing on me so she gets all legal reinforcement ready while i still pray for this family.

I certainly hope i'm not getting to depression at such moment of time as i'm pretty neurotic at times. =(

 

[gracelourdes]

"Well, may I add that while women are heartless during the period in which they think they have made up their minds, that does not mean they may not have a change of heart later on"

oops, Avan

gd point there...wat i really meant was the time when women made up their minds...

depressed, wat sm said really sums up a lot..."The focus should be what you can do and not about the wife."

however n watever we can discuss, advise n even give u our experiences etc...ultimately, it's still up to u..ur actions..ur plans..never lose hope...when u learn to find urself all over again n when it's only when u learn to love urself, u will learn to love others even more

cheers!

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi simpleman,

All these while after married, i cut off near complete contact with opposite sex as my wife feels insecure so i kinda did the extreme to assure her....even to deleting contacts.

Tried asking her out along with kids but she feels its a burden to bring 2 kids out.

She already has resentment taking care of both kids as to her its 2 weights on her wings of freedom...but she can't bear to let go coz simply they're both still her kids.
Facing both kids is adding more resentment to herself.

 

[avante]

Grace:

I find women very conflicting creatures and hard to understand. Firstly, they don't usually mean what they say, secondly, they don't really know what they want, and lastly, they expect you to understand how they feel !

OMG !

 

[depressed_guy]

Lol Avante,

Ya.....sometimes they meant what they says....sometimes their words gotta be inverted. But we never know when we need to invert their words & when not to. They're really great inverters!

They sometimes don't know what they want but expects you to know what they want at the same time~!

 

[gracelourdes]

OMG...depressed, i tik the root of the prob is that u both get married when u both weren't prepared...it's an assumption which i'm hoping is wrong...i tik ur wife is still so young...she prob feels that having been pregnant so early in life made her lose out in alot of things in life...although i dun noe how old u r, but i must say she's pretty young...haven't quite seen the world yet...she wants to explore n experience...

it's a sad case...all i'm saying is that in a marriage, in a relationship, it takes 2 hands to clap...did u realise the posts that u have made to tis thread?? a lot of underlying blames...yes, it's inevitable for u to feel the way u do feel...but my point is, do u realise that it's not abt pointing fingers to others...when u point a finger at her, it points 4 fingers back to urself...

but of cos, when u try so hard..u expect or want her to try as hard or even to put the slightest efforts to try in the first place...but i do suppose u might want to ask urself...wat kind of expectations r u putting onto your wife? if u r expecting her to do tis n that just cos u do tis n that, i tik u need to re-think this whole situation liao...

never expect anyone whether the person is close to u or not to do anything for u or to u...if u dun have any expectations n that person does it, that would be good...

 

[avante]

Grace:

I don't think depressed is putting all the blame on his wife. He did acknowledge that he is partly to blame by neglecting her for the past 2 years.

It is only natural that we have high expectations of our spouses. Don't tell me you do not have any expectations of your husband.

 

[gracelourdes]

WAHAHAHA...Avan, u r really right onto the point man!!

i dun want to speak for women...but for me, as a woman more likely...

i ain't an saint...but let me tell u, when i was much younger or rather, when i was still more foolish n naive, i used to do all of that u have said...then a lot of blame starts to come in...aiyah, cos i'm chinese...we chinese like that wat...when we tik sth, we say another thing...or he shd know wat i'm saying wat...he shd understand wat...need to spell out everything meh??

however, thruout the years...gone thru many experiences n i'm glad that i managed to shake away frm such silly beliefs...

now, i mean wat i say...when i'm upset, i say i'm upset...when i'm happy, i laugh n smile...i no longer have conflicting emotions...

when my bf used to ask me all the time, wat r u tiking? why r u reacting that way? how come u never tell me? alot of times, it always goes back to u shd know...how come tis kind of things need to spell out...then it went back to tat same rut again...it could be shyness or it could be unwillingness to share...

she must be willing to be open with her emotions but of cos she must be sensitive towards your emotions, ur tikings...accept that everyone is different...guy or gal...

also, she must be sure of wat she wants first...if internally, she's confused abt herself, then she definitely can't expect u to be clear rite?

 

[avante]

Grace:

When a woman runs away from a marriage claiming that she needs time to cool down and think over things and cut off contacts from everybody including her friends, does that mean she is confused internally ?

 

[gracelourdes]

"It is only natural that we have high expectations of our spouses."

no, Avan..although u mean wat u said according to you, i dun agree that it's natural for us to have high expectations of our spouses...that's unnatural...

maybe u do have high expectations of urself as well...i'm assuming that of cos...but u must remember that u r marrying someone...not owning her...why do u expect someone, more so someone that u love to do according to ur expectations??

ok, perhaps we shd just stop toking abt the word, expectations here in a indefinite term or description...

tell us wat's ur expectations towards your spouse.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Grace/Avant,

I did have some expectation from my wife....which is once she graduate from her private diploma, hope she will come out to work and finance the family as i'm the sole bread winner for the past years.

I'm 26 tis year Grace...i admit i was an avid gamer. Problems arises previously when my wife talks to me when i'm using the com. It was my mistake in the past but i nv blamed her anything & i maintained the finances coming in for the family. My personal monthly allowance is less than what i had in poly times.

My monthly pay broke down to evenly to 5 equal portion,
1 - myself
2 - both kids
1 - my wife
1 - misc bills

I used to question why she needed as much as i do when she stays at home all day previously to take care of my younger one while mine is for lunch and transportation. But soon after, this whole episode started & she went out more often....dumping my infant kid to her parents too.

 

[gracelourdes]

Avan,

there's no definite answer for this frm me cos i'm not that woman...

however, a good point to note is that she could be a 'runaway' wife...or rather, a person (let's look at her in a point of view as a person n not just a wife or mother) who always runs away frm probs...

although i myself haven't done such an action to that extreme extent, i do find myself trying to run away frm probs whenever they happen...and the worst part is, i didn't even realise that i was doing it till my hb said it...

cos ultimately, the easiest n most convenient way to try to let the whole issue simmer down n hopefully, it'll die down so it won't be so stressful for me to handle would be to say this...that i need time to tik abt it...need time to cool down...cut off frm all contacts...

of cos if she does do some reflection, tiking n try to see if anything can done in the course of that, we have to give that woman credit...

however, no actions r taken or she doesn't even do anything but just tik n cut off all contacts, what does that mean? running away frm probs, i suppose...

 

[avante]

Lost,

Hehe, I am an avid gamer too and I am as guilty as you of neglecting my wife with the PC around.

Oh man, you are so young. It's not easy to raise a family nowadays with stagflation coming our way.

Your wife probably is unsure of what she wants in the marriage too. A cooling off period may be useful for her to evaluate the relationship.

Like what Grace said, if she is confused herself, you can't expect to move on with her, right ? Mr G may just be a temporary distraction.

 

[gracelourdes]

however, do u realise that whenever u expect for sth or expect sth frm someone, when that expectation isn't met, u get upset? or even angry...

for eg, when i was much younger, my parents expect me to be like my sister...a straight As student...good in studies...go to jc or good poly...take good course...be accountant or watever...when i didn't in the end, i was deemed as a loser or failure though they didn't specifically said that...whenever frds or relatives ask abt me, they just kept quiet or try to tok abt sth else...

to me, it was a very demoralising thing in my youth...however, i've learnt that i can never live up to anyone's expectations if that's the case...so i can't, then y do i have any expectations towards anyone?

anyway, this is just for thoughts

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Avante,

She's not unsure....instead to her she already informed me of her path. She decided to upgrade herself with another diploma...which she thinks is necessary for her current interest of design.

She also says she wanna do all the things she "lost" the chance to do while having the 2 kids. It was talked sometime back that once she finished her marketing diploma, i'll be upgrading for my degree but now she just wants to go ahead with her design diploma.

She just insisted its possible for me & her to upgrade together....but in process, she suggested letting go of the Built-to-Order flat which we paid the $13k downpayment as she deemed we're not able to afford the flat which might be coming anytime soon.

 

[avante]

Unfortunately, not many women are like you Grace. I find that wives usually have unreasonable expectations of their husbands.

 

[powder]

Avan,

would appreciate that u avoid the generalisation. u choose your gfren/wife, thank u very much.

 

[gracelourdes]

depressed, frm my point of view as a woman, i can totally understand when u say that ur wife say u neglect her cos u r an avid gamer...

i used to be like her..whenever i see him playing his comp, psp or gaming stuff, i always have the urge to burn them...hahaha...ok, sorry to reveal my extremist side...

anyway, i just felt that it's an addiction...he didn't even realise why i was kicking up a big fuss until i gave him the ultimatum...then he began to realise that gaming is fun but not so fun if it has to strain our relationship...

but now...i'm an avid gamer convert as well...hahhaa...funny isn't it? being a convert, i now understand why it was an addiction for him...

ok, that aside, must still understand that while gaming is fun, neglecting ur other half is a no-no...a gd suggestion would be perhaps play ur games when ur other half is busy...or set aside time daily to tok to her...women do need to get their emotional needs met...pretty different frm guys...

depressed, now we r getting a clearer pic...though i'm not that old (not reached 30 yet), but i must admit that both u n ur wife r still v young...

well, frm wat u have said, i do suppose u have to look into this area n understand the fact that u r still blaming her indirectly...when u have certain beliefs n expectations, u tend to believe wat u believe...also, it's good n sweet to know that u r the sole breadwinner of the family though it's definitely not easy in the current living standard of our s'pore...however, pls do not undermine ur wife's job at home...ur job at office ends the moment u set off for hm...but ur wife's job doesn't end at all...it's almost 24 hrs u know...being a working woman, i totally admire ur wife's ability to stay at hm all day with ur kids...it's not easy...

no, i'm not a feminist...neither m i saying that a housewife's job is greater than urs...but all i'm saying is that each n everyone of us plays a part for our family, our nation etc...dun underestimate the value of everyone's roles...without each one of us, it would be diff...

 

[avante]

Lost,

It appears that your wife is keen to upgrade herself and make up for lost time. Why not work out something with her such as finding a nanny to take care of the kids so that she can concentrate on her studies ?

Show your wife you are willing to make little sacrifices for in her in order to fulfil her dreams and I believe she will appreciate it in time.

 

[gracelourdes]

Avan, that's the whole point, u see...

when u said this "I find that wives usually have unreasonable expectations of their husbands"...u r alrd concluding the belief that many ppl...or better still, u r confirming that belief for urself or rather, reassuring urself...

like powder, it's wat u choose to be...not wat u dun choose to be...

in life, we always have choices...however, difficult a choice may be...it's still a choice...

like in tis situation that we r toking abt - depressed's case...there's always choices...1) choose to love his wife n try all ways to be with her...result - may succeed or may fail...2) choose to leave his wife n hope that his wife would know that it's cos he chose to love her n let her be happy with whatever decision she made...

 

[avante]

Grace:

I'm only speaking from personal experience. In depressed's case, it is obvious his wife has expectations of him too such as spending more time with him.

The choice doesn't lie with depressed anymore, it lies with his wife. If his wife choose to walk out on him, there's really nothing much for him to do other than to accept it.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Grace,

For Choice #1, i'm worried things may strain further as her resentment is there for me. Her mindset currently is "yes you can repent for now...but it won't last".
It seems impossible to prove to her as proving needs time.....sincerity means nothing to her as she feels indifferent now.

I hope not to make any choice....let my wife decide which is best for her after going through the counselling. But i would fear most if she still tells me "its up to you....not my call" reply. =(

 

[gracelourdes]

Avan, no ill thoughts on wat i said...u feel wat u feel cos of ur experience...no qualms abt that...

definitely, there's an expectation there from Lost's wife abt spending time together...well, isn't marriage abt roles, responsibilities, sharing ur happiness n sad, going thru the good n bad times together...it's abt companionship...into that, companionship is also abt spending time together as well...

though, Lost, i'm not sure to wat kind of extent does ur wife expect u both to spend time together...

no lah...everyone always have choices...if in the event that Lost chose whichever choice...his wife also has the choices to accept or reject his choice...cos in a relationship, it's always abt 2 persons..never 1...

however, having said that, it's partially true, Avan...his wife's choice definitely doesn't lie with Lost cos he alrd made his choice in trying his very best to do all that he can to repair his marriage n also mainly, cos it's her choice...

but at least, Lost...u did try...even if u both have to divorce eventually n u lose custody of ur kids, at least u did try...though it's a sad thing...who knows? it might be even better that way...

i do also somehow sense disappointment n lost of trust frm ur wife...could be due to wat happened between u both previously...that's why she concluded that u would still be the same...

do also understand that being in a marriage is not abt ownership or anything...u dun own her...neither does she own u...it's also not abt u getting her approval...neither is it abt she getting ur approval...but when u do sth for her like telling her ur whereabouts, it's cos u r willing to let her know that u r doing wat u r doing...a way to let her have more trust in u...

well, of cos a lot of wat i said is very idealistic if u dun really put it to practice...we r just humans...just do ur very best...if she comes back to u willingly, ur relationship is saved...if she doesn't come back, then u know that life still has to go on...

 

[betrue]

From what depressed_guy posted, I think you are still clinging on this broken relationship and wanted to work it out.

Simple to say, it take 2 hands to clap. Just forget bout keep saying the fault at you first. Now is she who have affair, why you still like a loser sucking on your thumb to try make this work?

If she felt guility and regret her action, and really keen to patch back with you, I don't think you be that suffer now.

She have an affair, and you are the one who do most of the effort. Sometimes, too much is too much. You must know where to put a stop on this.

And personally, based on what you wrote here, I might be wrong but I felt your wife is inmature, sudden want to do this in her life and sudden want to do another thing.

Try cool down.. and think deeply, what do you want? a wife like this?

I don't really like to advice ppl break but when things really go overboard. Only ourself know how to stop ourself getting the dirt further.

All the best to you. Be brave and determine, There's someone told me, There always a path when we be brave to walk it through. I pretty sure there is a new life after this darkness.

 

[havavi]

When the heart isnt there anymore, no matter what you do, wont work.
Unless the main outside factor isnt around anymore.

anyway you sounds like my friend.
Maybe its better to leave her for a while, and try wooing her back.
People are all the same, only felt the loss when its gone....

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Lawrence,

The affair wise i didn't not see it myself so i won't want to conclude the betryal...but the evidences leading to inclination hurts me a lot to think of it.

Certainly i won't want a wife that will carry on this and keep me living in fear for years ahead...everyday pondering what is she doing & is another guy in contact with her?

Read down this forum and see all those gals being hurt by hubby having affair...how do they feel? I had never expected such thing to happen to myself but you can never be sure when lightning strikes.

Mr G is sure going overboard as i already warned him and he keeps presenting himself as a "friend"....but friend calling other ppl's wife his "laopo/dear"?
When i pointed him taking advantage of our family situation and reap my wife's needs...he just points back to me to be a man & reflect myself when my wife would do so.

I still have the SMS which he said he's backing out after some finger pointing....but main point is he said he's backing off so i nv pursue who's fault or what.

Really appreciate all conversations & advice from everyone....grace, avante, simpleman, leftbehind & so forth......it kinda calms me down when i read through.

I just gotten a divination lot from temple at bugis....lot 6.

It reads "A groge where even a good flyer bird would not fly into, unless it seeks to die."
----------------------------------------------
Interpretation
"A martyr is indeed rare. One must first die before one can be called on. Be prepared for the impossible if you seek to undertake what you are hoping to do. Worrying & thoughts tend to confuse. Tranquil mind will succeed. Success if achieve is great"
-------------------------------------------

 

[avante]

"Certainly i won't want a wife that will carry on this and keep me living in fear for years ahead"

Depressed, if you keep judging your wife based on this real or imagined affair, then it is quite pointless for you to carry on. What if she returns to you one day, will you be able to forgive her and pretend nothing has happened ?

Instead of wishing fervently for your wife to return to you, I feel you should seriously ask yourself whether you are able to face your wife again for the rest of your life if your worst fears turn out to be true that she had an affair with Mr G.

If it's too much for you to take, then it's better to let both of you go instead of staying on as it will be a constant thorn in your marriage.

Forget about confronting Mr G. Though he is a third party, he is not the reason why your wife strayed. As you acknowledged yourself, the problem lies in your relationship over the past 2 years. I sincerely hope you calm down and don't do any rash things in a fit of anger to your wife or Mr G which may affect your future.

Cool down, I understand you are being tormented by many negative emotions now including neurotic ones. They are just emotions, they come and go. Don't react to them and worst still act on them. I'm sure deep down inside, you know what is right and wrong. Let your mind be in steady control of your words and actions.

Remember: we all come to this world alone and we will leave this world alone too. Nobody will die without another person. However we will not be able to survive without food or money.

 

[depressed_guy]

"Nobody will die without another person. However we will not be able to survive without food or money."

You made me recall this quote as "you don't marry the person you can live with....you marry the person you cannot live without"

Kinda ironic quote it is to me now.

I did keep having the though Mr G instingating my wife what to do against me....i know its not right but when you feel down all sort of stuff floods your empty mind.

Family & friends can be there for you but they have their own life too......life down this path...there's always a time you'll have to walk on your own.

 

[sugar1937]

Depressed,
When are u both gg for the first session? I think the forumers here have been giving very gd advice. Its gd to stay apart now, occupy your thoughts on giving your children the best education, looking after aged parents etc. Dun think negatively & let Mr G penetrate into your thoughts.

Like someone said earlier, not all is lost now since she's agreeable to attend counselling with u.

 

[avante]

Bro,

I know it's tough on you, but it's still not the end yet. At least your wife is still in contact with you and is willing to go for counseling. My sister-in-law walked out on my brother a month ago all of sudden without any warning and went traveling in Europe, said she needs time to cool down and think about the relationship. It has been a month and still no news of her yet.

Sometimes it really infuriates me to see some guys spoiling other marriages. To put it bluntly, they are just there to get a free meal. It's very bad karma to steal another man's wife. How will you feel if your own wife goes around sleeping with another man ? I believe in retribution. Mr G will take a taste of his own medicine one day and so there is no need for you to confront or take revenge on him.

You have two children right ? Why not spend more time with them ? Take them out for a trip, shower your love on them. It will soothe the pain in your heart. Whether or not your wife returns to you, you still have your kids to care for. There's really something for you to look forward to.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi sweetsugar...the session is next week. Ya....i read all advices which helps me a lot though sometimes the opposite thoughts could get the better of me.

Avante, i always believe retribution don't befall on the person himself....it shall befall on the person he care for most.

My wife stays in the East while i stays in West...travelling takes an hour.
Just celebrated my elder kid's bday only....it was a happy but heartaching celebration as she was the reason me and my wife got married yet now we might not provide her a complete & happy family. =(

 

[inspectorate]

Hi depressed,

There is hope in this world. My wife walked out of me several times before but eventually she returned. I know the pain of separation. I went through it before. I know it is a terrible feeling to hear "voices" about unconfirmed affairs between your wife and another man. Judging from what you have said, it seems that the Mr G and your wife do have some kind of unusual relationship. I can only say that retribution is real, more real than the text you are looking right now. I believe you will be see justice one day. Not too sure how long it is going to take. Maybe 1 year, 5 years or even 10 years. As for that Mr G, i can only say that given what he has done, he will never has a peace of mind even if he is married one day. The reason is simply cos he has "snatched" somepone's wife before. As such, when married, he will constantly live in fear and suspicious that his wife may be snatched by another man, cos there are such person around. and Mr G will himself reckon that he is one such person. Trust me, mr G will not have an enjoyable life cos the mental monster that is going to haunt him will get stronger and stronger. As for your wife, i advise that you just let her go and regard her as dead. The more you hold on, the more miserable you will feel. When you truly learn to let go, that's where you will feel liberated. i know it is not easy. but you can do it,. Not point checking the pulse of a dead person from time to time. You are still young and have a bright future of 20 and 30 years ahead. A shortlived sufferings is really nothing as compared to a long long meaningful journey ahead. May the divine being bless you and your children always.

 

[avante]

Inspectorate:

I thought you are going to encourage depressed based on your own experience. Are you back together with your wife now ? What is the usual duration of separation after she walked out on you ?

 

[inspectorate]

Avan

The longest being one week plus. She never any affairs with other man when we are together. I am absolutely sure about that.

 

[gracelourdes]

Lost, like Avan said, it's no point judging her..wat do u get out of it?

If u noticed, a lot of times when a marriage breaks down due to a 3rd party, it's usually abt pointing fingers to the party who strayed...wat abt the other party? doesn't mean he/she who didn't strayed is free frm any responsibilities...

it's good in ur case, Lost that u alrd know the prob n try to do sth abt it...but the thing is, like a lot of them have said, it takes 2 hands to clap...if u keep wanting to clap her hand but her hand just simply rejects u, wat can u do abt it? no point getting all frustrated abt it...impt thing is, u have tried ur best though u may feel that ur best is prob just isn't enough for ur wife...

impt thing is, u need to be strong for ur kids..no matter what happens between u n ur wife, ur kids mustn't feel like they will be neglected cos of wat's happening...do reassure them by spending time with them to increase the bonding with them...to let them know that no matter what happens, u love them a lot

ultimately, like u said n realised, it's ur life...it's wat u choose n the road that u need to walk down urself...although we can't walk down that road with u, just want to let u know that we r all here to support u in everyway that u need...dun ever give up on urself...that's more impt...if u do, all the battle is lost...

seriously, Avan...it seems that nowadays it's v common for such things to happen...ie ur brother's situation...which is quite perturbing...time out n just disappear like that...hoping that their probs will vanish like that...wat r these ppl tiking man!! ok, just condemning that act, that's all

 

[powder]

does the belief in retribution make u feel any better?

did it make u enjoy your lunch earlier?

if u can't get past 3rd parties and 3rd-party emotions, then it's just gonna get harder for yourself.

u're actually in the role of the 3rd party Now despite u holding the ROM cert.

 

[gracelourdes]

Avan, i suppose Inspectorate is just telling his experience not as an encouragement but more of a reality check...much as Lost wants to do everything, i do suppose there's only so much he can do..

 

[avante]

Grace:

Precisely. My SIL made alot of noise of getting a divorce, but so far has not taken any real concrete action. My bro can't even file for annulment as he doesn't know if my SIL will agree to it !

Really don't understand what she is thinking. I mean if she really want to separate, then do it properly here through a lawyer, don't have to leave this place and cause her family and friends so many problems. It seems that she is confused internally of whether to continue the r/s.

 

[betrue]

Many ppl had given their advices to you. Is up to you to decide your life. So brace urself up and face it.
Stop turning round and round in this vicious cycle of self pity.
Come out, decide your next course and act on it. You want to patch.. then don't complain anymore, acknowledge the scar and swallow the pain.
You want to break.. then be brave with your new life.. Simple as tat.

 

[gracelourdes]

gd point, lawrence...Lost, i'm sure u noe wat u have to do...

haiyah, Avante...there must be some underlying reasons which ur brother prob didn't say to u also...no point trying to understand wat's really since u also outsider...

i guess the only course of action he can do is to file for separation if he feels that it's beyond repair...but then again, the person in question is nowhere to be found...headache man

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi powder,

Not trying to flame or what. But if i see another couple having trouble with their marriage....i just cuts in & take the free lunch on the wife while make the husband the 3rd party?

Hi lawrance,

Ya....the advice is a handful for me already. I just need to sort it out.

 

[laundry_woes]

Hi Lost,

Powder's talking abt emotional entanglement. I too felt like the 3rd party in my relationship though I was the legally married wife & TOW was well, TOW. He was only bound to me by a piece of paper. Emotionally, he had already removed himself from the marriage. In ur case, it's for u to evoke those emotions in ur wife again. Until & unless she returns, yes, u r the 3rd party now.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Avan, how long are your brother and SIL married? If over a year, annulment would be most unlikely to work, and if under three years, he can go on separation first. Worse comes to worse should she never return to sign any paper, he can still go on desertion of two consecutive years and get his divorce.

 

[powder]

hi Depressed,

let's face it, we dun go, "oooh this lady looks like she's having marital problems, let's try to bed her"... Although some guys may take advantage, considering that they are persisting in the relationship, then there's a higher chance that this guy may feel as strongly about her.

by the way, Any Person has the right to love Any Person, and also the right to woo them...

As a husband, i dun think it ends at marriage... effort certainly doesn't. I never doubt the charm of my wife, and more so the possibility that other guys might woo her simply becos of her personality. and if any guys woo her whilst she's married to me - the onus is on myself to make myself a husband worth being faithful to...

that stupid piece of cert that makes us husband and wife is no Security nor Guarantee... it never was. most pple use it to buy HDBs and register children... otherwise it doesn't provide strength to a couple's love.

if the guy is having a free lunch and your wife is naive, then too bad for her. but is he really having a free lunch? or is he really in love with her... that he is willing to compromise his principles and conscience to woo her? Do u think it's so easy to just go breaking up pple's homes and wooing pple's wives? - u wanna try to do that? NO DUDE, there must be an element of Love TOO... the type which most women watch serials hoping a guy will duplicate... But it just isn't apparent to u becos u're not on that side of the fence.

yes u might say u'll "Never blah blah blah"... but most pple say the same and when u're hit with This Girl who is like the woman of all woman, the most beautiful person u meet in your life... and her husband happens to be not very 'husbandy', but taking her for granted day after day after day... U might think - how can her husband not love her the way that such a wonderful lady is meant to be loved? and then u just throw all your inhibitions, conscience even - and u go ahead and woo her...

if the two of them are IN A RELATIONSHIP... a REAL ONE... that makes u the 3rd party. becos Relationships are MUTUAL. so whether u're the husband or not - it doesn't matter.

for goodness sake, if she loves him, he loves her, none of them loves u... what does that make u? an Outsider. u can hold on to the ROM Cert, u have shared possessions with her, u had children with her, But Dude - u Dun Have Her Heart.

sometimes i dun understand why pple can be so attached to social norms that they are so blind to Reality.

at this stage, it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong... the whole world can look at u as the good husband who lost a lousy wife...

u're still without your wife.

she can still be with the guy whom she wants to be with... why do u think pple elope? do u think that love is so weak that pple prefer to stick to lousy unfulfilling marriages? maybe the weaker ones... but with another 30-40yrs of life to go, i'd rather leave than drag.

if u're doing it for the children, then dun waste your time. your kids dun need a family where the parents are not in love and together just becos of them. If u really love her, stop using kids and other stoopid Right/Wrong to win her... cos that certainly makes u a loser.

use love, use heart, use nothing else but sincerity...

if u dun understand where i'm coming from, then THAT may be one of the reasons why your wife left u... becos if u show that u dun understand me either, i wouldn't wanna post further either.

 

[powder]

and Avan,

pls dun tell me that i'm asking too much from depressed... u did that when i first posted.

but if u realise, my 1st post has covered everything u've basically gone one big round before realising and posting...

if Focus is to win back the wife, it had to start asap From the mind. everyday he's listening to your consolations, he is 1 day closer to losing her and G is 1 day closer to winning hers...

by the time u guys figure it out, the cause is lost...

then maybe i'm convinced that there's not much Sincerity in winning her but Whining instead. then i'd think it's a better choice to see this marriage end.

and pls dun argue with me about how i can say something like that... becos from actions, i dun really see that u dun want it to happen.

 

[miloice]

hi depressed,

the reason why someone turn ruthless is basically denieling one's responsibility and guilt. It isn't difficult to imagine actually. And pretty much human instinct. A divorce is a big decision not just for one party but 2. It is natural the receiving party is the shocked one and finds it harder to accept. But if you are the one that wants out, you would probably hold firm on your decision too.

Looking from the '3rd party' perspective, I would give him a benefit of the doubt. Of cos, there are bastards out there waiting to lure women in problematic marriages but I believe this happens more often in movies than life. In reality, what the person see is how unhappy she is with you. And how you neglected her. He feels for her misery.

Often, all these are half truths and as 3rd parties, they resent their lover's spouses believing fully in the half truths.

Sorry if what I've posted have already being said by anyone else. Cos the thread has grown too fast for me to catch. Nevertheless, life goes on bro. Take time to work on the marriage but whatever outcome, move on.