Help! Marriage treading on a thin red line.

[depressed_guy]

Its a very long story but as goes below.

Me and my wife are married for 3+yrs. Have 2 daughters of 3yrs & 6mths old. My wife doesn't work and just finished her Marketing Diploma from private school.

She was still my lovey wife in 2007 and i still received a desired gift from her on christmas...but everything was for a change when it came 2008

All started from this year 1st Jan2008, my wife started to get sociable contacting back all her old friends & making new friends. She usually spend her time on kids previously. Phone calls till late hour....she said friends having problem so needed her listening ear.

Somewhere in Feb2008, i accidentally found out that she was having sms/phone contact with a guy(call him Mr G). Their sms were lovey dovey like those sec/poly dating couples. Words like "laogong/laopo, miss you dip dip, muacks & hugs....etc". I even overhead her phone chat previously telling the guy "you silly boy...i'm not worth your wait"

I confronted my wife on this and she turned table and blamed me for neglecting her for past 2 years....having my time on game. When quarrels got bigger, her family members got to know her fling. She blames me deeply for involving that "innocent Mr G" and making her the black sheep when i'm the cause of this incident.

After much talks....which her friends came in....she reluctently agreed to cut contact with Mr G on condition that i'm never to bring up this incident during quarrels or talks.
I agreed and also i make changes to give more attention to wife and kids...giving her time for her relaxation & outing with her sisters.

After this episode, things gotten quite cold between us. Desipte i try to shower her with care & love emotionally & with gift, she just reject them saying "its not what i need" or "i don't need these anymore".
She also started keeping her own privacy. All passwords changed(email, laptop login, msn messanger) though we know each password as trust based. She also got quite secretive when received a call or sms....would sort of sneak to corner to reply or answer. When she using her laptop, she will always have the laptop screen away from my view.

She also decided to start a new diploma for her interest in design. With me being the sole bread winner still. She just offered to pay her own expenses.

Also she started going to a guy friend's place to get guidance on design stuff....saying its not Mr G. Its like 2~3 times a week. I trusted her and nv questioned her further...on weekend i stayed behind at home to help her take care of kids while she go to that friend's place.

 

[avante]

Bro,

Your wife felt neglected by you. You should shower her with more love and concern and win her heart back again.

Forgive her for her fling with Mr G if it doesn't involve any physical intimacy. Otherwise, it's time to call it quits !

 

[depressed_guy]

2 weeks ago, some signs telling me she was still in contact with Mr G...unable to keep my mind, i broke into her laptop and found the chat log of her with Mr G......with even more shocking find. Other than lovey dovey chats "darling/laogong".....the chat gotten a little erotic as "Massage while making love to you".

I headed to my in-law place and confronted my wife there. She was a little flustered & given disoriented replies....but mainly attacking me for breaking into her laptop access. I keep questioning her why she was still in contact with the guy but with no replies.

I came home to pack my stuff and shortly she arrived home. We just had a short talk but she doesn't admit any mistake for lying to me on this contact with Mr G still carried on.
She just keep telling me its no longer her say if this marriage gonna carry on anymore.

I moved out the next day after confrontation. She did nothing to stop me.....in fact she just pretended nothing happened.

A few days after i moved out, her brother contacted me.....trying to meditate things. But his gist of tone was more like finding fault with me.....pinning me down for neglecting her.
He did mentioned my wife was sorry for what she did and asked to meet up to disscuss what we should do with kids. But moment we meet up, i asked my wife if she admitted her fault and she just gave a straight "no". Her brother added fire further pointing me as fault...his point is "if wife doing something wrong, husband should go reflect on himself".

Now i'm back at my mom's home.......despite so i have yet to tell my mom coz i still hope for this family afterall my 2 kids are the reason for us.

We have arranged counselling session with www.counsel.org.sg but i somehow feels that my wife is looking towards the exit to this marriage mentally already.

 

[avante]

Bro,

I can understand how you feel. It must be a terrible feeling to discover that your wife is having some hanky-panky with another guy.

Seriously, the problem doesn't lie with Mr G, but with both of you. Girls only seek out other guys when their emotional needs are not fulfilled in the current relationship.

You need to cool down. Doing silly things like breaking into her laptop will make things worse. The more you confront her, the more you are pushing her away from you.

You have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your wife, seek professional counseling if it is necessary. However if your wife refuses, then it's better to leave her alone for the time-being. Your wife is probably as confused as you too. Most women desire a stable family life. Do you think she will risk giving up her children for Mr G ?

 

[depressed_guy]

She seems a changed person.
Her brother already pointed out all facts that i do not have any strong evidence to point out her infedility and can counter sue me for slander.

I know my wife already seeking legal advice on this situation....and queries were what can she fight for in event of divorce. She doesn't have the thinking of saving the marriage it seems.

I will lose all custody of kids + maintenance fee to my wife but all these are not my current point now.

I still hope to save this family & marriage.

Till now from her fault of contact with Mr G, it became like my fault for breaking up this family.

The though of her erotic chats with Mr G adds to my torment as she has been going to Mr G's place which she lied to me its another Guy friend's place.

 

[avante]

Bro,

It sounds quite bad. You must be hurting very badly by your wife's rendezvous with Mr G. As a man, I can understand the terrible feeling that is engulfing you now.

Do not panic. Steady yourself. I can see that you are desperately trying to save your marriage, but whatever you do now is not going to help things and may even push your wife further away from you.

Do not pin the blame solely on your wife and demand an apology from her. It will only make things worse. Keep her brother away from this - it's between both of you, why is he involved ?

You have to take a break from all these. Take care of yourself first, otherwise how are you going to take care of your parents and children ?
Don't think of the worse. Give you and your wife a cooling off period for a month or more and see how things turn out next.

 

[dragon64]

Hi unamed,

I fully empathized on what you've gone thru...it must be tough for you but as what Avan say, please steady yourself first then think for what exactly you want to do next with a cool head.

Please, never engage in an argument when both are still hot in the pan...take care ya

 

[september]

y dun u engage a PI to check on her so as to get evidence to shut ur BIL up.

 

[summer87]

Hi ,

sorry to hear about what you are going through, but as what you have mentioned, you still wish to save the marriage, try to talk to your wife alone and without any interruptions.

Its best not to mention things like, why you have to ....., you hurt me......, you are the one who was wrong.....

Say things like, i still love you a lot...., if its possible can we.... key is to sound sincere and not trying to emphasize who is right and who is wrong.

In times like this, its normal for your wife to 'find fault' with you, so that she will feel that you are the one that causes all the problems and that she will not feel guilty. i believe she should also be in dilemma on whether she should really leave you.

Patience unamed, she needs time, but on your part, think about, did you really neglected her due to games etc? Think on what could have possibly went wrong instead of thinking about the erotic talks she had with MR G. All these thoughts will not help you to save your marriage, if you really want your marriage to work, please try to focus on the right track.

Humans will make mistakes, try to be fully prepared to accept and forgive her mistake and move on. If you think that you are unable to do so, perhaps ending the marriage is the only solution.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Diana...finding PI would be the last resort if the counsellor also deem the situation unflavourable.

My friend did advice to keep a back path for me if really the marriage gonna crumble despite trying. Afterall the custody of kids gonna go to my wife plus maintenance fee to give my wife....i'll be left with nothing. But that is aside for now.

I had previously confronted Mr G during Feb2008 and after some finger pointing......he did say he's backing off from between us. But apparent he lied also.

The thought of my wife going to Mr G's place is unbearable as what could you think when a deprived gal & a flirtious guy can do alone in a home?
The though is giving me sleepless nights & nightmares.

But above this all i still hope for this family after all the mistakes that has passed. I just pray for the counsellor to be really good.

I was looking for Mr Anthony Yeo from www.counsel.org.sg which was recommended by my friend to be the best there....but unfortunately he's away for 2weeks and its too long as situation is bad now. Also heard his rate is $120/hr or $120/session compared to other which is $20 but money aside as i think this marriage is worth every penny. I still got 2 little one whom i think are the most innocent ones.

I came from a divorce family and i do know the pain. I don't wish my kids to get such experience too.

 

[earings]

dear unamed, if verbal communication doesnt work that well, perhaps writing her a letter, tell her how u feel and how much u wanted to salavge this marriage, focus on the right track as Summer has mentioned. dont let negative thoughts get u down.

 

[depressed_guy]

Letter writing & email has already been deemed useless by my wife as those were the communication she tried to established with me previously.

Maybe was my fault for neglecting her but she has been telling me nothing is too late as long as changes comes. But now she can only tell me changes won't last. Promises are meant to be broken......based on the promise i made to her before marriage that i won't let her cry. =(

 

[sugar1937]

Hi unamed,

I fully empathise your feelings now. Try to work things out with your wife. Perhaps she committed this in an act of folly but is still adament in seeing/realising her folly. Try not to get in family/relatives to intervene especially at this point. It may make things worse. Im not shielding your wife (get it clear), but both parties play a part when problems surfaced.

Why not go for a 2nd honeymoon & give yourselves a chance to reminise abt the old sweet/loving times that you once shared... Do not give up that easily. from your thread, I know you are willing to forgive her.

Work on it & do not give up that easily unless it has really reached a dead end of the road. I really hope things turn out well

 

[pingluvhao]

Lost,

do you still call her everyday ? Can tell us what you intend to do besides waiting for counselling ?

Quoted"The thought of my wife going to Mr G's place is unbearable as what could you think when a deprived gal & a flirtious guy can do alone in a home?The though is giving me sleepless nights & nightmares."

Cannot keep thinking of all these things ba, like what the ladies said focus on the right things to do and not negative thoughts.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi sweetsugar,

Appreciate your advice. Problem is we were unable to go for any honeymoon as we have 2 kids to take care for......or even worry for if in-laws are taking care of them.

Even during the period between Feb-Apr, holding her hands was impossible as she just shake it off and says "it feels weird". Tried hugging her but she just push me away.

Now kinda sense she wants an exit and her thinking is not predictable. When i asked her where we stand, she can just reply "wait till counselling then we see".

And i keep having the feeling she's lying to me.
Eg was when i asked if she's working, she would reply yes. But when i'm near her workplace & sms her, she would immediately tell me she left workplace sometime already.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Ash,

Other than waiting for counselling, i'm trying to meet her up for lunch or dinner but she's rejecting me every attempt with hesitation.

Currently i know she have a practical friend whom supported her with that Mr G and that friend had arranged to meet out with my wife & Mr G sometime back. That practical friend of hers' is guiding her on legal aids on divorce proceeding etc. =(

 

[pingluvhao]

Lost,

i feel if she is very sure that she wants an exit from the marriage, she would not have agreed to go on counselling with you already. Don't give up, try your best and give your best shot!

 

[sugar1937]

Hi Lost,

I agree with Ash & Summer. Don't have negative thoughts now. I know its not easy 'straying' ur mind at this time. But pls stay optmistic & rational.

Things may not appear hopeful/postive to u now but rem u are not to give up as its not the end. Hopefully, things will improve after counselling.

 

[avante]

Lost,

You can never trust women. The promises your wife made to you are in good times when she still loves you. When a woman has a change of heart, she can be very heartless and ruthless.

A successful marriage takes two hands to clap. It is unfair for your wife to pin all the blame onto you without taking responsibility for it.

Sad to say, it appears that your wife is planning for an exit strategy to get out of the marriage soon. Be mentally prepared for the worse while hoping for the best. Even if the worst were to happen, life still goes on, right ? Think about your aged parents. They still need you by their side.

 

[depressed_guy]

Thanks sweetsugar...i do had extreme negative thoughts once on the day after i moved back.....but my 2 little precious ones comes to my mind and brought me back.

Now even surfing net i can surf till a lost stage where i dunno what i want to do....

Counselling is next week. Anyone been through such counselling and can share like how many session it went & did it helps?

I'm quite looking forward to change counsellor to Anthony Yeo as he was highly recommend me as a last hope....but changing a counsellor is not a good thing as they tend to build up rapport with us over a couple of sessions.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi Avan Lim,

I'm quite worried too. Just this month she decided not to take any allowance from me saying she will earn her own via her freelance.

I still provide the kids $$ as usual but this month she asked for additional amount for my elder's "future study finance"......would this be considered her backup plan?

 

[september]

hi lost,

is ur wife beri young? and did u all married coz she was expecting ur 1st child previously? if so, probably, she feel tat she miss those fun tat her frenz can njoy and nw she is like in the 'regret' stage. furthermore, ur previous neglecting push her to 'explore' outside....

and mayb meeting mr g make her hv the feeling of falling in love again...someting she find lacking in u previously...thus nw she juz wan to hv this kind of feeling...

 

[avante]

Hmm....sounds as if she has made up her mind.

Women in a fit of anger run away, ask for divorce etc, but they do not take take any concrete actions other than complain to their family and friends.

From your descriptions, it appears that your wife is very cool and calm about the entire matter. It appears she has already decided a long time ago and her heart is long dead.

Sorry for my bluntness, the prognosis does not appear good and I do not want to give you false hope.

You must always prepare yourself for the worst that in the event of divorce, do you want to fight for the custody of your kids ? Your wife may be using counseling as a "delaying and distracting tactic" to prevent you from preparing adequately in time for the divorce.

While you continue to put in efforts to salvage your marriage, may I humbly suggest you to seek out legal advice on how to prepare yourself for the worst. Protect yourself first. We cannot control how others react, all we can do is to love and care for ourselves.

 

[pingluvhao]

Lost,

try your best and there will be no regrets! Whatever it is, don't go 'stoning', think of what your wife likes, you can send her flowers too! Things that you used to do for her but haven been doing recently.

Most importantly, keep yourself occupied! Its good to meet up with friends for dinner etc, my friend ,life goes on, you have to take good care of yourself too you know.

 

[powder]

dude,

if u really wanna win her back... the most crucial thing has to start from your head... u've gotta treat her like the girl u fell in love with and wanna woo... all over again. if u can't manage that, it's gonna be tough... cos u end up treating her like a wife and that is something she is obviously tired of...

the wife tat u treat her to be, is not the wife that most girls envision to be... so u've gotta improve that vision. so better to treat her like a gfren u are wooing again...

if the visions of her with another man is something that u cannot remove and keeps haunting u, then make sure it does not incite the negative side of u... if it makes u go negative, then this marriage isn't gonna work very well either... and if things do get better, NEVER mention G ever again... Never.

one of the most understated responsibilities of a husband/bfren... is to Always uphold the honour of their wives/gfrens... i hope that whatever u do, u dun ever cross that line. cos if u keep crossing it, even if she does leave that guy and comes back to u... it's gonna be a pain being with u becos she will constantly be reminded and feel lousy about herself... and the marriage will still crumble if she doesn't crumble first...

in your quest to win her back, make her stay and in the eventuality of separation - uphold her honour. it doesn't matter if pple think u're a lousy husband or man... To be able to uphold her honour whilst the rest of the world misunderstands u - that is the honour and respect that u should give to your wife nomatter how bad things are. she knows it can liao... everyone can think of u as an asshole, but she knows it can liao...

lastly... she is in love with someone else right now... and that person is not u. Reconcile yourself with that fact, gather your courage and woo her back... dun go using your marriage to emotionally blackmail her back... dun go using the children and your families to reason and coerce her back... use love. use who u are, what u are and what u can give... She will only come back to u for the same reasons that she agreed to marry u.

she may not have done things right, but she still has the right to choose what she wants... do your best.

 

[avante]

Powder:

Though I agree with you in principle, you are asking too much from our depressed bro here !

There's little point in wooing back a woman who has completely lost faith in you.

 

[gracelourdes]

wah...Avan, ur sentence here a bit extreme liao leh..."You can never trust women"...if taken out of context, i simply can't imagine the catspats between the men n women thing again...

however, let's not take generalisation seriously as some of which r just purely beliefs...for us women, a lot of us r mostly 'ruled' by emotions unlike our men counterparts...so therefore, u can't take a guy's mind to understand a woman's...

anyhow, depressed guy, i'm sure all's not lost yet...i tik a lot of them have given pretty sound advice here...do tok to her n see if she's willing to give u guys a chance...

there's sure to be a reason why she even turned to G in the first place...not blaming u...but there is possibly an underlying reason that u probably dun realise too...watever it is, dun start pointing fingers by asking her to admit if she's wrong or not...cos i'm definite that it would aggravate the situation further

 

[sugar1937]

When your first counselling starts? In the meantime, try to woo her back slowly making her fall in luv all over again....

Flowers/cooking meals for her/ just do whatever u used to do to court her in the past. Most imptly, dun let the present situation discourage u. I'm leaving office now, will check on this thread tonight again. take care.

 

[avante]

Grace:

Sorry if I have offended you. It is not a sweeping statement and should be interpreted in the given context.

 

[mark78]

Avan Lim,

with the limited info provided i do not think u are in the position to judge her (the wife)

 

[yukil]

Lost,

Do you really love your wife and really will treat her nicely after she comes back to you?? Will you neglect her again after she comes back to you?? Just a bit worry on that cause if she really comes back to you and you neglect her again...i think the same situation will happen again.

 

[depressed_guy]

Diana (september),

Ya......was a shotgun marriage. She's 24 tis year.

Hi gracelourdes,

Problem is that she just say everything leave to counseling. She doesn't comes up with any answer. I tried asking her about how she feels for this marriage between us....she just replied "tired"

Hi mark (mark78),

Chill it bro. He's also partly giving the possibility & its true that if all effort falls right into a trap (delay for legal advantage) as Avan Lim mentioned.....i would really be devastated totally.

Hi sweetsugar (sugar1937),

I'm trying to do that but i might not reach her expectation of "double the past efforts" which she said is required as she "lost faith".

Through these 3+yrs. My wife only work in 2 company which lasted like <4mth. Both i discouraged her to continue as her boss is taking advantage of her doing OT w/o paid.
She blames me for not having a job due to my discouragement. But she nv worked throughout the rest of the period as she's still studying her marketing diploma while taking care of my elder daughter.

My wife used to make breakfast for me before i go work, help me iron clothes occasionally &amp; buy me present on special occasion which present i really hoped to received. But i always fails to give her suprise as she always managed to foil my attempt with her instinct.
I would in return cook supper for her at nite, have breakfast together during weekends. Help her with household chores as she doesn't like to do household chores.

But all these are only sweet fragment of memories remaining.....now only cruel fact retains. But saddest part is my 2 growing kids...they're cheeky, fast learner....but now faced with this cruel fact that family may break up.

I really appreciate Avan Lim for the words to prepare mentally if murphy's law applies.....but i still will want to put in effort be it for myself, my wife, for this marriage or for my kids. =)

 

[avante]

Lost,

Perhaps it's better to give both of you some time to cool off. All relationships have their ups and downs.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. It takes two hands to clap. If she still loves you, she will surely return to your side.

 

[depressed_guy]

Its consider cooling off for me but i don't think for my wife case. With the 2 little imps bothering her...she may have only resentments.

Her sister is already giving her the attitude "you choose this path so you pick up the pieces yourself &amp; don't burden the family"

Her dad already having 1/2 mind not wanting to take care of both my kids currently as its giving them a lot of inconveniences.

 

[avante]

Are you still living together with your wife. Help her in whatever ways you can and don't give her additional stress or pressure.

 

[depressed_guy]

Nope bro....i moved out the very next day after finding out the lovey dovey + erotic chat. It was too much for me to take being lied upon twice and combo with my wife going to his house + erotic chats. =(

 

[avante]

Bro, it must be very tough on you. You did the right thing by moving out. At least she is agreeable to try out counseling, so go for it first and see how it turns out.

Unfortunately, there is very little you can do about your wife's dilly-dally with Mr G. Stay cool and appear nonchalant about it. Have more confidence in yourself ! Remember, women hate desperate men. The more self-assured and steady you are, the more your wife will notice of you!

 

[miloice]

hi bro,

quit blaming and confrontation. It is the worst way to try to work things out in a relationship. If you seriously want to win her back, it cannot be by forcing any idea onto her.

It takes 2 to clap. If she wants out, frankly you cannot stop her. Any attempt to will only faced with more resistance and more sour feelings in the marriage.

Before even 'fighting' to keep the marriage. Figure out if this is what you truly want too. Its time to be realistic to think things our rationally. The best bet you have is to let her realize you still love and care for her despite respecting her decision. Never put the family in to apply pressure. It does nothing but putting judgement by gathering support.

It doesn't prove anything more than her choice to leave is a good one. i.e. u are not man enough to handle it and rendering support from outsiders to make her the villian.

Rather, accept the responsibilities. Both are adults. If you want to patch things, u must write off the negative thoughts and emotions.

 

[avante]

Sound advice, milo.

Sometimes, letting go is more helpful than clinging on.

 

[miloice]

another thing...

frankly, it is a mistake to keep her at home like that. She resents your discouragement because she is unable to appreciate your good intentions. It is like how a child cannot understand why parents forces them to go to school or oppose their decision.

Don't make decisions for her. Be supportive and render advises but let her go and realize the lessons of life herself.

If she try and realize its really no good, she would want to quit herself. And there would be no resentments cos its her own personal decision and not you pushing her for it.

In a marriage, you grow together. You can guide her to custom some of her falls. But she needs to pick up the lessons. Don't stop that growing process. I see that in many marriages where one party virtually protect the other in a fairy tale world. This is harming them actually.

 

[simpleman]

unnamed,

The best chance of you saving your marriage is for you to work on improving your relationship with your wife - to make her feel loved.

There is no point about assigning blame. So what if she is to blame? Blaming her will only drive her further away from you. Your best bet is to show her love and comfort (it has to be genuine) and not trying to find fault with her.

It is difficult as you have to overcome your own insecurity but it is the only way possible.

People who has affair may not feel that they are at fault and they will find other reasons to justify their actions.

It is premature to talk about children custody and maintenance now. Concentrate on rebuilding your marriage. Also don't put too much hope on counselling. Your marriage really depends on both of you and in a situation like this, it is the betrayed party that will need to work doubly hard.

I also don't support the idea of engaging PI. You only engage PI if you are already bent on divorcing your wife and want to collect evidence. If you are thinking of saving the marriage, spare yourself the money, trouble and pain.

 

[depressed_guy]

Thanks for the great advice Milo....my only unwillingness to let go is the complete family for my 2 kids as i come from a broken family myself and felt the pain through.
It will be a deep regret should my 2 kids land in a broken family too.

Morever mothers will get priority for custody of child isn't it?

 

[purple_cat]

Hi Depressed, please stop blaming yourself. In a marriage, there must be mutual trust and there should not be infidelity. She has broken that and you should stand firm at your position as you have not do anything unfaithful to her. You know you have did your best to work out the marriage yet she is treating you like a fool by turning the table ard. Do not get affected by her family support towards her, sooner or later, they know who is the one who made the marriage broken. Move on, it's painful but time will definitely heal.. she is not worthy for you.

 

[simpleman]

depressed guy,

don't worry about the kids yet. It is still early. Kids are much more resilent than we think.

If the marriage really breaks down, try to part amicably with you wife and have joint custody of the children. Can still spend a lot of time with the children as parents without after separation/divorce.

It is true mother normally has the advantage when it comes to custody. But nowadays, mostly the court will award joint custody with the mother (having priority) with the care and control. But if the children continue to stay with you and your wife moves out then you may be in a more advantageous situation as the courts will try to presever the "status quo" of the children and try not to upset their lives too much.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi simpleman,

My older kid stays with my wife's parents since 5mths back. My younger one stays with us only after office hour.....during office hour previously my wife taking care as she dun work. Currently both taken care by her parents.

 

[inspectorate]

Lost in direction,

After reading your postings, i can't help but to feel sorry for what you are going through. Having a wife like that is one of the worst thing that could possibility happen to any man. I sincerely hope you can have hopes. Everything will eventually work out for you.

 

[depressed_guy]

Hi inspectorate,

Could be my fault for neglecting her initially....but as Avent Lim pointed out. Gals can change complete and ruthless as they are when tide turns. =(

 

[depressed_guy]

Sigh......right now my wife don't even want to meet me up for just simple lunch or dinner. She just comes out with many excuses like dun like to eat this, dun wan too troublesome, don't want to add additional agenda for the day.

Its just beside her location only.....not even 1 min of walking distance. I have fear she is meeting Mr G somehow. =(

 

[leftbehind]

Hi Lost in direction.

It has been a tough time for the past months for yourself. When a marriage breaks down, sure u are at fault and she is too! Please do not own more than 50 % of the responsibility as it takes two.

The neglects... does not justify her actions. She is a responsible adult to choose to either bring up the matter to you highlighting her unfulfilled needs in the marriage or to get the both of you to go for counselling if she knows her heart is dying.

Choosing to do what she did, I wanna say, she is soley responsible. Pls do not absorb more blame and guilt, it has already been a very difficult time for u.

Having said that, Yes, reflecting on your weaknesses and how you could have done better is inevitable. But, again, these reflections are done with the intention of perhaps wanting self growth and not to blame yourself.

Lost, who doesn't err?
Humans have limitations yeah?
Forgive yourself.

Finally, wanna leave u with this 2 thoughts:

The person is not the problem. Its the interactions and dynamcis that comes into play between the two which is really the problem. If interaction pattern on any one side can be altered, change can happen for two.

second thought , Lost, What u focus on , is what you will find.
If you focus on whose faults is it... You probably will find yourself trapped in a never ending search of who is at fault.
If u focus on building on the marriage, You may find gaps that needs to be fill.,
Lastly, if u focus on moving on, you may probably find yourself having that internal strength to cope with the pain that seems insurmountable at present.

Hope I made sense

Lost, btw, besides anthony , there is someone I know who is very good with marital therapy.. He was once my supervisor. If u want his contact do PM me.

Take care and hang in there. Tomorrow will be better

)

 

[simpleman]

Another thing about counselling, try not to force it. Let it be an exploration of your marital problems and not look at it as a solution to your problem yet.

another thing, don't have to push too much to have activities with her - it will only irritate her further. Show concern but try not to push too much. Yes, she may be seeing someone still and if you cannot deal with it calmly then you are only driving her further from you.