HELP! I'm Lost. Did I do Wrong??

[babyboo]

Hi All,

Urgently need your help and advice.

Husband and I had a fight yesterday and he ended up shoving and pushing me to the floor. My mother came to my rescue, only fall on her back (think it's accidental shove and she missed her step). Then he turned his back on us and left the house, together with a luggage.

I was so mad at the time that I went for Medical Examination at a local Hospital and record as Assault. I had scratches, broken fingernails and bruise to my back. The doctor told me that he will referred the case to the police. No police contacted me since.

I placed a padlock to the gate the same night.

He knew the matter got out of hand and went over to seek help from my close aunt today. My aunt called my father and told him that my husband is coming over the house (but no details why he's coming over).

3 hours later, he went to look for my dad requesting for assistance to collect his work clothes and laptop. Reason being - he came over and saw the padlock, so he didn't bother to knock (maybe we won't open the door).

Packed his clothes and my father bring these downstairs to him. He returned the house key to my dad, which my dad pass to me.

Did I do wrong by having a padlock to the gate? It's to tell him that my house is not a place for you to come and leave anytime you like.

Do help....

 

[thommy]

u haven't clarified what the fight was all abt?

 

[babyboo]

Such a minor thing and it escalate to this.

My husband went on company trip and due back yesterday. He smsed me to pick him @ the airport. Didn't reply.

He called me on plane arrival (transit) and ask me where am I. Being the playful one, I replied that I'm @ home. He got a bit agitated and chilled me for not letting him know earlier that I will not pick him up. I further ask him to make his way home by cab, and he sounded mad that I should at least sms him earlier on not coming (all this while, I was sitting outside the arrival door).

Told him I am here waiting for him, then he cools down. I also requested that he drop by the DFS store to look at LE Vodka.

Saw him collecting his luggage together with a lady colleague. Then they walked direct to the check counter and exit together.

Spotted me and walked over with the lady, introduced us and say that on the way, send her home. No issue to me.

She then ask if he wants to use her trolley and he start pushing the trolley for her. No issue to me too.

They walked on infront, leaving me and my mother tailing behind them at a distance (as if we are not together kinda distance). Huh, neglect me? Abit not happy, but stay cool and chat with both of them in the car.

After she alighted, told him he should inform me that he's sending a colleague home (respect mah). And he say, oh he only offer after coming out of the check zone (funny, coz I don't sense the "body language" of she going for the taxi stand and him offering the ride). Nevermind, maybe I sensitive lor.

I then ask about the LE Vodka and he replied that he went and check, no such LE thing (but I saw them walking to exit without going into the DFS store next to EXIT door). Me not happy liao, he sense it and say I am being difficult.

Came home, he banged the Bedroom door and stared at me angrily. Can't stand this and ask what's wrong with him.

Start to blah that I am giving him attitude, that he can't do things freely, blah blah blah. I tried to reason with him that I only ask that he inform me beforehand that's all. Say I also do the same when I offer a ride to my colleague afterwork when it starts to pour. But he showed him dissatisfaction and "blacked" face to my colleague, which I did not.

He super not happy hearing me say this, say I will always have my reason to whatever he says. Since I not happy, he turn to leave, pulling his luggage. I went over to block him and he asked me to "get out of his face" (what have I done?). He pushed me aside and I blocked again, that's when the scraffle starts.

My point at that time was that he lied to me on the LE Vodka matter. And suspect that he must have made the arrangement to send her home earlier (not per last minute as claimed) since he got agitated when I say I am not picking him up (lie #2?)

Just talk and explained to me nicely, I am reasonable.

 

[joiedevivre]

Did you ever sense that something is not right with your marriage even before this? I don't think any husbands or wives here will pack up their luggage and leave the house suddenly, just because of one quarrel.

Is he very close to the female colleague? Do you know where he is staying now?

He pushed you to the ground and almost cause injury to your mother. You're right to change the padlock.

 

[babyboo]

We have had minor fights before, and he is very prone to either walked away (as in leaving me alone when we had argument outside) and packing his bag to leave (it happened before, each time I will blocked him, succeeded once and returned the next day).

Our last quarrel was on CNY, but we talked things out (or maybe that's what I think?) . We were fine when he left for the trip, no boo-boo at all.

I feel that to warrant someone to "fly off mad" and having to pack their bag to leave would be reaching the end of a marriage, no hope already. It should not be like child's play, leaving everytime things get "heated-up".

This is the 1st time I saw this female colleague, and they were like walking next to each other, having a good chat (can click type). I checked the camera and he even have a photo of her (alone) while on the trip.

He should be back at our house where my in-laws are staying (we moved to my parent's house because wanted to rent out our house, but in-law requested to stay there and sold off their place).

I am just very confused and sad that just a simple question and he got to flare up and such a mess surfaced.

 

[cuclainne]

though i don't condone the physical assault, both parties are at fault and i suspect that there is more to it than what the TS has shared.

TS should have expected something like this to happen when she placed the padlock on the door - were you expecting your husband to come back and wail loudly, asking to be let in???

my pov is that TS is quite childish.

 

[giantemu]

the account is not complete i feel...so alot of things we have to assume.

Firstly, I think your HB is already not happy with you lying to him that you are at home whilst you are at the airport. I dunno, maybe he is someone that don't take jokes. Or this business trip that he have, was really a bad one and he is already not in good mood / super tired.

Regarding sending her home - it could be, my deduction, after hearing you are at home and not meeting him, he offered to send her home (maybe in a taxi) but since you turn up, and if the colleague did not offer to say, oh i will take a cab, it is not nice for him to say "Oh my wife is here, why dun you run along and take a cab?" You get what i mean? Usually the colleague will zi-dong and say Oh in that case I take a cab.

Not getting LE Vodka - small issue - he did not check / brush it aside becos he is tired? Feeling already not happy - which brings back to the first point about him not being to take jokes.,

actually walking away from a quarrel is one of the evasive actions that people have, to allow oneself to cool down and collect oneself. From your point of view, it may be rude but it is for some, a good way to prevent physical clashes. But you have blocked him from leaving...and cause him to push you.

Based your past experience, after he leaves, he will come back right? After cooling down...so it does not necc mean he will be gone for good....i mean he probably just want to go elsewhere to cool down. He cannot just walk away like this, come on, his flat/ house is here, where can he go?

He came back and saw that you padlock the flat - this only escalate the issue. Y you put the lock? You are pissed or you are afraid that he come bck to whack you? Putting a lock is symbolic that you don't want him back...no help to the situation.

Why not remove the lock, ask him to come back to talk about it. Really, there are some people who during quarrel, walk off to cool down and come back to talk about it. Its just one form of anger management. For me, i rather he walk off than fly into mad rage and hurting you or himself.

 

[sgbabydoll]

TS, how come you can lie but your husband got shit when he lied?

 

[oneder]

When he wants out, you blocked him and want him in.

When he wants in, you lock up the door and want him out.

What do you really want? or you are only trying to justify the reason on how you take revenge on your husband?

 

[miloice]

There are over-reactions on both parties. But this guy is clearly being more defensive than required. Seems to be some history here. Either TS is the super suspicious and sensitive type hence her husband already taking it as she trying to spot check him OR he really has some guilt that trigs his defensive behaviors. Else, its quite unusual for such strong reaction even if he doesn't appreciate the joke.

Definitely, more than meets the eye. Without history, we don't know the reasons. Anyway, ordering his wife to fetch him is ridiculous. He can ask and if there is no response to his SMS, why the expectation and assumption?? When there is no response, one would normally expect it means she is too busy or missed the SMS. What's there to be mad about? And to call him? HELLO??? He just arrived no? I suppose his mobile should have been off for HOURS at least! People that has this expectation that others are 24/7 stand by with the mobile to promptly respond to their SMS are self centered arses. They think they are some big fxxk that their partners must somehow suck up to them and have no lives nor priority of their own. My call... this guy is a self-centred spoilt MCP.

Very probably, there may be some issues on his wife (TS) too but there is no reason and excuse for his physical violence with his wife. Not as if he is under attack and out of defense or something!!

 

[dimpxtt]

A man should NEVER lay a hand on ANY woman, let alone HIS woman..


simply f*** up..i despise them..

 

[miloice]

"A man should NEVER lay a hand on ANY woman, let alone HIS woman.."

This is true under normal circumstances only. Why would a man be prevented to protect himself or his family if the aggressor is female??

So, I wouldn't say NEVER.

 

[dimpxtt]

a man's force is always greater than a female
by biologically and physically.

babyboo is the victim in this case...

 

[miloice]

So what if a man is stronger than a women. It doesn't mean a man must be a victim of a weaker aggressor. In any self defense, the person is not guilty as long as the force applied is what is required to protect himself. But, if he go beyond self-protection, then he himself becomes the aggressor as well.

I wouldn't want to come to conclusions and judgement on who is the victim and villian. We don't know the full story. What we do know are the clear over-reactions and needless violence. In any conflicts, there are no winners. There is no need to imagine or picture anyone as the devil and the other as the angel. These are for kids. Adults should handle it maturally, accepting their faults and responsibility in it.

 

[dimpxtt]

in this case, babyboo's hubby is protecting himself against her?
by pushing his woman onto the floor?

talk..must be physical..violent meh?

 

[miloice]

Your line of reasoning is using generic statements to pass a judgement rather than making a sound deduction from the specific situation.

Read again to understand the context. Your statement "A man should NEVER lay a hand on ANY woman, let alone HIS woman.. " doesn't seem to apply specifically for TS. Rather, a generic statement.

And your reasoning :
"a man's force is always greater than a female
by biologically and physically. "
Equally as generic.

In the generic context, I would disagree. Do you realize that one couldn't come to a generic conclusion from a specific usecase? While the opposite is true. All we need is one specific use-case to disprove a statement as a generic truth. It doesn't mean there is no truth in the statement. It simply mean that the statement cannot hold true generically for all situations.

In TS specific context, I said :
"Very probably, there may be some issues on his wife (TS) too but there is no reason and excuse for his physical violence with his wife. Not as if he is under attack and out of defense or something!!" The context is clearly indicated pointing no apparent reason to justify his violence.

 

[powder]

sounds like children who can't control their emotions... and with very poor EQ. lots of drama... can't live this way, very painful...

 

[thommy]

sounds like TS' prank went wrong and it all escalated from there (from something so minor apparently)

to have such a violent reaction, there must be more to it than what TS told us. only she herself knows.

 

[babyboo]

Thanks to all who take the time to advice.

I did "lie" in a playful manner that I am at home. But I did immediately clarify that I am already at the airport waiting. This was in 1 telephone conversation with my husband.

Also, I did not say anything when he lie to me about having checked the LE Vodka. Merely black face (also never mentioned he lied) and he reacted by saying I make things difficult for him.

Understand that sometime he walks out during our quarrel to cool down, he mentioned before, but to walk out with a luggage filled with clothes?? This happens on numerous occassions, which I always blocked him and he succeeded to leave once). I feel that he is abit overboard with the luggage thing, I might not understand how he felt during our quarrel but packing up means you are ready to leave, is it not?

Padlock to the gate is not a revenge or whatsoever. My mum is worried that he might return and we will have another fight. Also, it's also to prevent him from doing harm to the house (since he reacted so violently, which we did not expect anything like this from him at all) and us. This is the reason I am writing and seeking for advice if I did wrong to padlock the gate.

There was really no disagreement prior to his trip and we were still very lovely-dovey.

Also, I am those that don't spot check on him nor am I the suspicious and sensitive wife. But come to think of it, there were occassions when his staff (he claimed) that called him late at night (say between 11pm to 1am). And each time, he will take the call outside the room. When I ask who called at this hour and how come they so "no brain" disturbing him so late, He got angry and accused me of not trusting him and being suspicious. I just let this pass as I was and am never suspicious nor sensative to the calls and the female colleagues around him.

It really puzzle me that he had such huge reaction and become violent. We only spoke like 5 full sentances and he got all red liao.

 

[miloice]

hi babyboo,

no guy likes to face a partner with black face. On your side, you should minimize the need to put on a black face. You might not need to say much, but if you are always giving him that kind of "its all your fault" face everything, it can be very annoying.

But, I see far greater issues on your husband side. I'm not going to suggest more suspicion for you but his reactions is really way off. So, open your eyes bigger and observe why.

- he has really big anger management issues.
- Granted he is tired from the trip blah blah blah.... his expectations of you to fetch him, and call him etc are quite off.
- Nothing you have mentioned her on your side so far would trig such defensive reaction.

Either
1) he is damn sensitive and lame type of guy. Those that simple simple things also will get angry type or
2) your constant body language is so KL. as mentioned above, most conflicts are reactions not so to the actual words used but rather the body language displayed by the parties involved. If over time, u have always being displaying obvious disapproval and princessy attitute. This might be just the tip of the ice-berg erupting.
3) its his guilt triggering the offensive behavior.
4) other hidden reasons that you might not be aware of nor related to. e.g. he just has another dispute with customer or boss. Or kenna nagging or scolding from his mum.
5) u r hiding some info in here.

No one can tell you who is right or wrong. In fact, pointless to do all these fault finding. Instead, reflect and look at things as they are and try to understand why it happened. And then, how to move ahead.

 

[dimpxtt]

maybe quarrel at the wrong time
when he is not in good mood

????
thus blown up

will be ok after a while ah

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Baby Boo,

My hubby has a demanding job so usually when he comes home after work, I would greet him cheerfully and help to carry his stuff to the room and ask him to bath and rest. I wouldn't be asking my hubby to do extra things. Eg. Buy gorcery on your way home or buy supper for me etc.

I won't burden him with my endless chatter till he is relaxed and watching his TV. That's our couple time.

I think your hubby just want to see your cheerful face after a long day at work, that is why he was irritated when he thought you were not coming.

If you greet him with a cheerful face and is friendly to his colleague regardless male or female and didn't ask him to check Le Vodka, things will turn out differently.

Tired hubby more impt or Le Vodka more impt?

Having said the above, your hubby also shouldn't overreact even if he is tired. He has to control his temper while you have to be more understanding when he is tired.

Hope you find the above useful.

 

[dimpxtt]

maybe u shd gek gek pinch his buttock when his colleague is not looking
hahahaah..

give him some notti look..

tease him a bit ;P
so that his tiredness will convert to 'my wife is so cute and notti feeling'
then all his anger will be gone

hahahaaa........

 

[babyboo]

.
Really appreciate everyone for taking time to read and reply to my thread.

My husband and I have had arguments and quarrels which I think every couple would come across. I am not always in the right neither he. But after every such event, I will always recall, analyze and reflect on my mistake.

I have been playing this scenario over and over again in my mind, but just can't locate other "wrongs" I have done (other than giving him the black face and padlock the gate).

All replies and advices here are very important to me as these are views that I might not realize and perhaps a "wake-up call". It might also better prepare me for what if and what's to happen next.
.

 

[miloice]

Hi, it's completely normal and human to be very blind and insensitive to how nasty we can be with our partners and family. So, all the self reflection will do u good. Good for u!

However, one key part in the reflection is the feedback from parties involved. Without his inputs, its really quite limited. Give each other sometime to cool and talk things out.

 

[thommy]

your husband sounds like he needs to go for some anger mgmt courses asap. erupting in this manner isn't very normal and healthy for one. if left unchecked, it may lead to assault/spouse abuse in future.

as for u, u did a very wrong thing by padlocking the gate. he has a share of the house also I assume? how do u think he wld feel if he saw a different padlock on his own gate? all things can be resolved amicably...a padlock can't solve anything.

 

[powder]

well,

u have NO eq...

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Your husband already childish enough to walk off with his lugguage during a fight. And you worsen it off by changing padlock. I'm speechless....

Well.... as one of the wiser guys had said here. There's definitely much more to the history to both of you than the above incident. It's really up to both of you to resolve the issues.... guess not much advise here could help.

 

[hweebs]

I'm just wondering...has the relationship been unstable for sometime? If so, I'm kind of curious why you will put in the 'joke' about being at home...looks like you are trying to provoke him, yet pretending that you are not angry with him. I wonder if there are many of such 'jokes' before the airport incident? It seems that you are not willing to openly show your anger and confront him with certain issues (e.g. your suspicions of his EMA) for fear of...his leaving?

I really do not think the padlock is the problem...

 

[mrs_beast]

Baby Boo, are you very young? Feel you are a bit immature. I think you must hv felt you are also in the wrong, so you started this thread?? Put your self in yr hubby shoes, : after a quarrel and you want to find an excuse to return home only to find the padlock to the door? Not to mention whose idea is it, you will hv feel dishearted, obvously you are trying to keep him away, buzz off, you are not welcome?. If you still love him, take the soft approach, sms him. you really want to let him go? Also, no offence, it seems you also put yr mum in between you and hubby. This is issues between husband and wife, why let yr mummy worry? If you MIL comes into the picture, will you feel offended?

 

[flyingstar]

i feel that the husband is guilty about something. that's why he blow up over the smallest stuff.

if you guys are lovey dovey as you said, your husband should be very happy that you came to pick him up at the airport. this is natural reaction. after a biz trip, what more can be nicer to see your loved one waiting for you at the airport to fetch you back?

maybe he is throwing his temper to cover up for something else. like divert attention.

 

[seawaves6]

ya, i agree w flyingstar.
maybe he turn aggressive to be defensive, u know.

think u gotta pay more attention to ur hubby.
b4 i found out abt my hubby affair, i found a picture of the woman in his hp. i din think much of it earlier until i saw their love sms much much later.

 

[rachel83]

I would see this as the husband is checking will the wife pick him up, for what reasons I do not know.

As why he flared up, it might be he's guilty abt something and acting defensive. If a person can pack up n leave so easily, packing up & leave and never return is not too hard either.