just a week ago, we got into a huge arguement. he said he want divorce and he doesn't love me. my heart shattered and i cried like hell. later that night, he came to check on me. he worried that i will do something silly. i was sitting on the bed, starting at the window. my mind was blank, my heart felt weak. he ask me if i'm okay?! how can i be okay after those hurtful things he say to me. the very next day, he act like nothing happened and we start talking like usual. this wasn't the 1st time such situation happened! i don't understand how can he say the word divorce so easily?? i will never do that! what really maddening is that he can act like nothing happened and get me talk to him without him apologising. i feel so manipulated! i really love him and i want to know if he still loves me but i doubt i can believe him even if he says he does. i'm so lost, so empty.
Help, i'm losing faith in my marriage
- Thread starter l0ng
- Start date
ling, i can relate with what you said perfectly. I also never utter the D word unless i really mean it...when a spouse threaten to do that ever so often, it makes you wonder how much he really treasure the marriage right? My wife also throws the D word easily whenever we have a tiff. Even now, after i found out that she has an affair and is supposed to work on our reconciliation, if things are not going well, she'll say "don't like don't want me lor".
I can't say that your situation is the same, or comment on your husband. Although he may not mean it now, it suggests a problem with the relationship. Try to work on your communication with your husband. Tell him seriously what you feel, and how what he did hurt you. Don't assume he know. Do it immediately upon the act, and don't wait till a few days/weeks/months later. My wife bottles all the little things up and now she "show hand" me whenever we quarrel. The prob is some of those things happen 1 or 2 years ago, and i only get to hear her unhappiness now. If your husband loves you, he'll know what to do, and you'll be able to feel it.
I can't say that your situation is the same, or comment on your husband. Although he may not mean it now, it suggests a problem with the relationship. Try to work on your communication with your husband. Tell him seriously what you feel, and how what he did hurt you. Don't assume he know. Do it immediately upon the act, and don't wait till a few days/weeks/months later. My wife bottles all the little things up and now she "show hand" me whenever we quarrel. The prob is some of those things happen 1 or 2 years ago, and i only get to hear her unhappiness now. If your husband loves you, he'll know what to do, and you'll be able to feel it.
ling,
he is quick to come in with the D-word, but pls note u are also one very drama queen...
"heart shattered", "sitting on the bed, staring at the window"... all these actions are hinting that u're very keen to react that way actresses react on tv serials.
what alarms me is that he had to check on u becos he worry tat u might do something silly. Is this a case of him being harsh in words, and u being totally suicidal when facing relationship problems?
sometimes in quarrels u say stupid things, and some regrettable things. u have to learn not to focus on the words so significantly, but to just take a tiff as a tiff.
he is quick to come in with the D-word, but pls note u are also one very drama queen...
"heart shattered", "sitting on the bed, staring at the window"... all these actions are hinting that u're very keen to react that way actresses react on tv serials.
what alarms me is that he had to check on u becos he worry tat u might do something silly. Is this a case of him being harsh in words, and u being totally suicidal when facing relationship problems?
sometimes in quarrels u say stupid things, and some regrettable things. u have to learn not to focus on the words so significantly, but to just take a tiff as a tiff.
i never been in a relationship before and he was my first boyfriend, my whole world practically revolve around him. i admit that when facing relationship problems i tend to be dramatic - 1 cry 2 make noise 3 hang yourself, but then again, committing suicide require lots of courage which i doubt have that. when i was sitting on the bed, staring at the window, i was actually asking myself if i married the right man. many of the things he said make me feel bad about myself, make me feel like i'm not good enough for him. will you do that to your loved ones?
Your world should NOT revolve around him just becoz u love him, u may not realize that but it's just an excuse. An excuse to be lazy not to find your own life, an excuse not to contribute to finding a life together, an excuse to require him to give u all the security, say all the right words, do all the "right" things to YOU. Very tiring on the person who have to live with u, u know?
Many use "drama" to get what they want, maybe coz experience tells them that has worked for them in the past. Just remember that when "1 cry 2 make noise 3 hang yourself" doesn't work, u learn to 1 wipe tears 2 shut up 3 untie the rope yourself and find a better solution.
You did not give details about your relationship, so i'm not going to judge, but i can certainly tell u that u don't need others to say things to make u feel good or bad, u can feel good about yourself. Your loved ones are not obliged to say all the nice things to make u feel on cloud nine. When he says things that make u feel bad about yourself, what really makes u feel bad? are those hurtful things which are totally untrue, or does it hurt because u realize what's said is true and u find it difficult to accept? If they are false accusations, then tell him in his face. If they are facts, face your own flaws. Sometimes, good words are not pleasant to the ears, but if someone doesn't love u or care about u, why would he bother to even tell u?
whatever u want to know, talk to him. Life is meant to be LIVED, not to be just thought about sitting there staring at the window. Good luck
Many use "drama" to get what they want, maybe coz experience tells them that has worked for them in the past. Just remember that when "1 cry 2 make noise 3 hang yourself" doesn't work, u learn to 1 wipe tears 2 shut up 3 untie the rope yourself and find a better solution.
You did not give details about your relationship, so i'm not going to judge, but i can certainly tell u that u don't need others to say things to make u feel good or bad, u can feel good about yourself. Your loved ones are not obliged to say all the nice things to make u feel on cloud nine. When he says things that make u feel bad about yourself, what really makes u feel bad? are those hurtful things which are totally untrue, or does it hurt because u realize what's said is true and u find it difficult to accept? If they are false accusations, then tell him in his face. If they are facts, face your own flaws. Sometimes, good words are not pleasant to the ears, but if someone doesn't love u or care about u, why would he bother to even tell u?
whatever u want to know, talk to him. Life is meant to be LIVED, not to be just thought about sitting there staring at the window. Good luck
when ppl are angry, their emotions take charge and logic usually take a step back.
words can hurt if we choose to focus on them, but many times we have to learn to read behind the words too. i know that very well.
he might have regretted saying all those hurtful things and by '(acting) like nothing happened', he's probably feeling guilty and trying to move past the incident asap. communicate to him that all you need is a sincere apology, and then hold up your end of the bargain, don't pout and sulk and stare into space anymore after he apologises.
words can hurt if we choose to focus on them, but many times we have to learn to read behind the words too. i know that very well.
he might have regretted saying all those hurtful things and by '(acting) like nothing happened', he's probably feeling guilty and trying to move past the incident asap. communicate to him that all you need is a sincere apology, and then hold up your end of the bargain, don't pout and sulk and stare into space anymore after he apologises.
crystal_cloud
New Member
my husband said this too when we quarelled recently
it is really hurtful to a woman
i have been following these posts but i still sort of cannot let go those hurtful words.
i dun understand y this particular handful of men will utter such abusive words?
is it that by saying such things and by watching how the hurt surrounds the partner actually allow them to feel beter or let them cool down easier?
the hurt is there, when he even said it everytime we quarel...and after that apologise.
he even said he hates looking at my face.
whenever i think back of these statements i cried and feel sad
it is really hurtful to a woman
i have been following these posts but i still sort of cannot let go those hurtful words.
i dun understand y this particular handful of men will utter such abusive words?
is it that by saying such things and by watching how the hurt surrounds the partner actually allow them to feel beter or let them cool down easier?
the hurt is there, when he even said it everytime we quarel...and after that apologise.
he even said he hates looking at my face.
whenever i think back of these statements i cried and feel sad
ling,
tat's the problem isn't it? your lack of Real experience and dependence on over-elaborate dramatic response. u married the 1st guy tat accepted u, u revolve your life around him, and he becomes the only world u know... What makes u think u know what a relationship is, let alone a marriage? what makes u think that u know wat is right or wrong or appropriate, other than what u're taught by the TV?
u are like a toddler who decided to join the working world, where u complain of how harsh your colleagues, boss and company are...
to your Statement of losing faith in your marriage, i'll be honest to say that u Do Not know the concept of Faith. like most other ladies making idle declarations in this forum, u're merely seeking empathy and a ear. u want an audience where u are the main lead on tv and everyone is watching your story. u revolve your life around Him, and u also wanna revolve your life against your Own Story.
Until such time u learn to be absolutely honest to your own misgigivngs and ignorance, u will continue to have a hard time in Marriage, not just this marriage.
u are expecting him to come home with an apology-specific attitude, perhaps with a bunch of roses and do that "lo po wo cuo le" scene like wat u see on tv.
am sori if my post isn't wat u wanna see. i dun think it's abt "will you do that to your loved ones?". u are blind to the fact tat u are blackmailing him emotionally with your drama and suicide. even though your life revolve around him, your love revolves around yourself More than any other thing. u are self-centred, selfish and live your life for yourself. u love yourself loving him becos u married him, and not becos u love him.
pple may have given in to u in the past with your threats, but when u meet pple who dun - u will use suicide. personally, i'll just remind u to close the windows and lock the door before u jump. If u dun treasure your life, dun expect others to treasure your life more than u, and use your life to threaten others to do things u want.
tat's the problem isn't it? your lack of Real experience and dependence on over-elaborate dramatic response. u married the 1st guy tat accepted u, u revolve your life around him, and he becomes the only world u know... What makes u think u know what a relationship is, let alone a marriage? what makes u think that u know wat is right or wrong or appropriate, other than what u're taught by the TV?
u are like a toddler who decided to join the working world, where u complain of how harsh your colleagues, boss and company are...
to your Statement of losing faith in your marriage, i'll be honest to say that u Do Not know the concept of Faith. like most other ladies making idle declarations in this forum, u're merely seeking empathy and a ear. u want an audience where u are the main lead on tv and everyone is watching your story. u revolve your life around Him, and u also wanna revolve your life against your Own Story.
Until such time u learn to be absolutely honest to your own misgigivngs and ignorance, u will continue to have a hard time in Marriage, not just this marriage.
u are expecting him to come home with an apology-specific attitude, perhaps with a bunch of roses and do that "lo po wo cuo le" scene like wat u see on tv.
am sori if my post isn't wat u wanna see. i dun think it's abt "will you do that to your loved ones?". u are blind to the fact tat u are blackmailing him emotionally with your drama and suicide. even though your life revolve around him, your love revolves around yourself More than any other thing. u are self-centred, selfish and live your life for yourself. u love yourself loving him becos u married him, and not becos u love him.
pple may have given in to u in the past with your threats, but when u meet pple who dun - u will use suicide. personally, i'll just remind u to close the windows and lock the door before u jump. If u dun treasure your life, dun expect others to treasure your life more than u, and use your life to threaten others to do things u want.
and to give benefit of a doubt, If u feel u have been wronged by him, and not getting the apology u deserve, then just walk out and dun look back for an apology.
dun be one of those who stay, insist u're giving chances to him, when actually u're giving chances to yourself simply becos u dun have the courage to leave.
otherwise just keep quiet and Learn from the relationship instead of making a meal out of every quarrel and creating a dramatic storyline to add cheap excitment in your life..
dun be one of those who stay, insist u're giving chances to him, when actually u're giving chances to yourself simply becos u dun have the courage to leave.
otherwise just keep quiet and Learn from the relationship instead of making a meal out of every quarrel and creating a dramatic storyline to add cheap excitment in your life..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"1 cry 2 make noise 3 hang yourself, but then again, committing suicide require lots of courage which i doubt have that"
Ling, have you heard of the story of cry wolf?
Ling, have you heard of the story of cry wolf?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Has it ever occurred to you that the "1 cry 2 make noise 3 hang yourself" antics is emotional blackmail and that your spouse will get tired of and feel numbed by it over time?
Desensitisation is a human behaviour. It's innate in us.
I was once on the receiving end of suicide and other threats when I was in a marriage during quarrels. So I am not at all surprised at your husband's reaction. I too had said "let's divorce" a few times and eventually, I took action.
Don't underestimate the adversity and detriment of emotional threats in relationship. It makes the other party feel like he/she is imprisioned by your words and behaviour, and wants to break free.
Desensitisation is a human behaviour. It's innate in us.
I was once on the receiving end of suicide and other threats when I was in a marriage during quarrels. So I am not at all surprised at your husband's reaction. I too had said "let's divorce" a few times and eventually, I took action.
Don't underestimate the adversity and detriment of emotional threats in relationship. It makes the other party feel like he/she is imprisioned by your words and behaviour, and wants to break free.
Right, I agree. My pastor ever said, the best weapon a woman has is to IGNORE. Ignore him, die die don't talk to him. Let him be the first one to give in sinc he likes to say the D word so easily. Why let him think he can affect you so easily using his words? Then next time, he could just use his words freely when he wants to hurt you.
He's an adult, he thinks to take accountability for his words.
He's an adult, he thinks to take accountability for his words.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
When you ignore your spouse just to evoke a desired response, wouldn't that amount to a kind of emotional blackmail or manipulation?
I can't believe that your pastor has actually said that. You really ought to get the context of your pastor's preaching right.
I can't believe that your pastor has actually said that. You really ought to get the context of your pastor's preaching right.
Hmm... probably you're right, doll. In all honesty, do you think her hubby is trying to yield a reaction from her? Most likely, it's an unwanted one esp when you heard the D word. Very few people can be calm enough not to react.
What I'm implying is, if his words affect you and he doesn't know what he's doing that to you or he could be using that to hurt you intentionally, it might be good to leave him alone and give him time to think over. Meanwhile, you also need time to calm down and not react.
What I'm implying is, if his words affect you and he doesn't know what he's doing that to you or he could be using that to hurt you intentionally, it might be good to leave him alone and give him time to think over. Meanwhile, you also need time to calm down and not react.
miloice
Well-Known Member
it depends on the situation. All the communication techniques, like the ignoring / 'cold treatment' has its usefulness in the right situation. These are not intended to be commandments for all to follow.
Basically, its all part and parcel of tact in interaction and negotiation.
Basically, its all part and parcel of tact in interaction and negotiation.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Jonah, I am responding only on what you have quoted of your pastor.
"Ignore him, die die don't talk to him. Let him be the first one to give in since he likes to say the D word so easily" is COLD WAR. What good is cold war?
"Ignore him, die die don't talk to him. Let him be the first one to give in since he likes to say the D word so easily" is COLD WAR. What good is cold war?
Doll,
Sorry if I was not clear. My Pastor merely said "A woman's best weapon is IGNORE."
I do agree not all the time, cold war works but sometimes we need time to cool down. Also time for the other party to cool down. It works on some people and it may not work for some people.
Sorry if I was not clear. My Pastor merely said "A woman's best weapon is IGNORE."
I do agree not all the time, cold war works but sometimes we need time to cool down. Also time for the other party to cool down. It works on some people and it may not work for some people.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hi Jonah, ignore what?
miloice
Well-Known Member
Think we need to see what is the context the advise was given by the pastor.
I would think that the Pastor is advising ladies to nag less and be more tactful. The 'ignore' is really a tool for communication rather than literally advising ladies to shut all communication with their spouses. Most women do use this 'ignore' tactic naturally, its pretty instinctive.
I would think that the Pastor is advising ladies to nag less and be more tactful. The 'ignore' is really a tool for communication rather than literally advising ladies to shut all communication with their spouses. Most women do use this 'ignore' tactic naturally, its pretty instinctive.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Milo, that was why I have asked about the context of the preaching. It's dangerous to regurgitate people's words blindly without first understanding the context nor expounding on the meaning for yourself and others that you tell to.
Hi Doll
Oh, let me elaborate.
What my pastor said is, when women are angry with men, some women esp are capable of ignoring their spouse in order to let them get the msg.
Sometimes it works when the men feel the cold shoulder.
This is what he said.
He touched her shoulder, it is cold. He is in ice-land.
Just a joke bcos I think his wife likes to ignore him when they get into fights.
Oh, let me elaborate.
What my pastor said is, when women are angry with men, some women esp are capable of ignoring their spouse in order to let them get the msg.
Sometimes it works when the men feel the cold shoulder.
This is what he said.
He touched her shoulder, it is cold. He is in ice-land.
Just a joke bcos I think his wife likes to ignore him when they get into fights.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi Iris,
its really not a problem for me. Unless the intent isn't to encourage proper use of British English but to ridicule.
For American English, I believe its used pretty loosely.
Also, sm's the tone isn't nasty. We can all improve through each others feedback. With the recent Miss Singapore pagean saga and Beyonce's remarks about Singaporeans, our English has been heavily scrutinized.
its really not a problem for me. Unless the intent isn't to encourage proper use of British English but to ridicule.
For American English, I believe its used pretty loosely.
Also, sm's the tone isn't nasty. We can all improve through each others feedback. With the recent Miss Singapore pagean saga and Beyonce's remarks about Singaporeans, our English has been heavily scrutinized.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"with american english, spelling doesn't matter too much. no?"
No, it shouldn't matter but if you prefer the American way of spelling, just stick to it throughout your document, email, proposal, business plan, etc. For example, you use "organize", "strategize", "synchronize" instead of "organise", "strategise", "synchronise".
No, it shouldn't matter but if you prefer the American way of spelling, just stick to it throughout your document, email, proposal, business plan, etc. For example, you use "organize", "strategize", "synchronize" instead of "organise", "strategise", "synchronise".
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"Its" = of or belonging to it. The short form of "it is" is "it's". These two words are often mixed up.
losingher,
thanks. I made a mistake. ha ha.
At times on the internet I don't really care so much about grammar unless I am writing on my blog in which I will pay a little more attention.
We do make mistakes here and there.. some just careless and others through ignorance. That is why normally I don't correct the mistakes of others unless it is repeated and is a common mistake.
thanks. I made a mistake. ha ha.
At times on the internet I don't really care so much about grammar unless I am writing on my blog in which I will pay a little more attention.
We do make mistakes here and there.. some just careless and others through ignorance. That is why normally I don't correct the mistakes of others unless it is repeated and is a common mistake.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"But I don't think 'advise' can be used as a noun, American or not."
On this word I have to agree with you. Just like "practice" and "practise", Amercians spell the noun and verb as "practice". It's no-no for me.
On this word I have to agree with you. Just like "practice" and "practise", Amercians spell the noun and verb as "practice". It's no-no for me.
doll,
For "practice", yes, American do use it as a "verb" as well.. and it is widely used and accepted. Language is living and evolving and I can accept it when it is widely used and understood.
But so far, I have not seen "advice" being used as a verb and accepted as correct - even by Americans.
For "practice", yes, American do use it as a "verb" as well.. and it is widely used and accepted. Language is living and evolving and I can accept it when it is widely used and understood.
But so far, I have not seen "advice" being used as a verb and accepted as correct - even by Americans.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
SM, I can't accept it haha. I am "trained" to either choose American or British spelling and be consistent in usage. In discussion forums I don't really care; we can use Singlish also as long as we understand one another, and we actually write as if we are talking - more colloquial or conversational. In official documents, consistency is a must for me. But of course, that's me, and I am not enforcing my practice.
doll,
I know if you stick to British English, then the usage of "practice" and "practise" has to be differentiated.
But language is living and evolving. "Practice" has been accepted widely by Americans to be used a verb.
On the pragmatic side, it is not really a bad thing. It simplifies the use of the English language. Most people then don't have to remember when to use "practise" and when to use "practice". And USA being more dominant would cast a greater influence on the use of the English language.
However, I agree with you. If you are using British English - stick to it and be consistent. If you are using American English then stick to it as well and not flip-flop among the two.
I know if you stick to British English, then the usage of "practice" and "practise" has to be differentiated.
But language is living and evolving. "Practice" has been accepted widely by Americans to be used a verb.
On the pragmatic side, it is not really a bad thing. It simplifies the use of the English language. Most people then don't have to remember when to use "practise" and when to use "practice". And USA being more dominant would cast a greater influence on the use of the English language.
However, I agree with you. If you are using British English - stick to it and be consistent. If you are using American English then stick to it as well and not flip-flop among the two.
LOL!! the title is "Help, i'm losing faith in my marriage" and you guys are conducting english lesson here
since we are on this subject, my pet peeve is people requesting that I "Please revert as soon as possible" through emails. ARGHHH!!! The word revert =/= respond or reply!!!
since we are on this subject, my pet peeve is people requesting that I "Please revert as soon as possible" through emails. ARGHHH!!! The word revert =/= respond or reply!!!