Help: I feel so unhappy in this relationship. Am I asking too much or what?

[reallydonotknowhow]

I have never experience much happiness with my him. Since I knew him 5 yrs ago, I started by telling myself we are inexperienced in relationship and thus will need to give him some time to learn how to love and care for me and vice verses.

However as times goes by, you will find him to be the very typical man on TV. Very loving and caring during courtship. But after awhile in relationship, his attitude change without him knowing because he felt that he did not change. He can only give me surprise but is a unpleasant surprise. E.g. for any occasion, he always plan last min. e.g. My birthday, he mentioned about it days before the event even though he knew that for both of work, we need advance notice to apply for leave. (In my mind I am thinking the date for this kind of occasion is fixed and if you want you can even plan up to next yr!) So end up, he can only take half day leave. As for the day, he is always repeating the same thing. Dinner and gift. I find that he did not put in any effort to think of where and how to celebrate my day. If not otherwise, he will conveniently take my idea. For instance, whenever he says he need a holiday break and do not want to spend too much money, we will brainstorm where to go and his solution is always genting or bintan because we been to before. So I suggested batam because we did not go before and is low cost for him. So for my birthday, he actually suggest we got batam. Ok, maybe I am petty or what, but I cannot help feeling that he is being so cheapskate for my birthday and worse of all, he is always conveniently getting my ideas and I feel that he is very lazy in this relationship.

I hate it when it comes fri, sat and sun. Why? because I simply do not like my days unplanned. Initially i will always says let's go this on fri, sat and sun. Times goes by, I feel that i am the one always planning ahead and planning activities for both of us. I told him that I hate this, this give me a feeling of unloved and uncared. He acknowledged and says he take note and will plan for us instead. But his planning is he will only plan on the thur night and then started suggesting random activities. Worse is, many times do not even say anything and the day just pass by with us doing nothing and he just come to my house and watch TV. I really hate these because I like to live my life to the fullest and hate to waste time. I have told him before and every time he will revert back to his own self after 1week. So I tell myself since I am the one who treasure time and he don't, then I should plan my time and not be wasted by him. So I started doing that again but I realised I do not feel happy at all. I feel so burdened and tired. Somehow I got the feeling that he cannot take care of me and I am like the one taking care and take charge. I feel so tired after so many years.

I had wanted to break after our 1st year together because I cannot take all these small issues. Yes, many of you will say so small issues dont need to make it so serious to break up. But to me, the above instances are among the thousands and it happen everyday.

Slowly I began to see the attitude he has through all these different instances. Be it birthday to weekend, he is just very lazy for me and is a man who do not treasure time. So his this attitude appear in all situation you can think of. I tell you a few more scenario. For e.g. I had sleeping problems when i started with him and I told him I cannot sleep at night. What he do is keep asking why is it like that, how come is like that. He kept asking me and I told him I do not know. He never think of solution for me. I have to tell him maybe warm milk helps then he went to buy. After awhile the milk effect stop and I cannot sleep again. Again, he only ask why. Sometimes in the morning, he will ask me dear did you sleep well? I said no and he said poor thing and full stop! Everything and everyday is like that. You tell him then he move.

I tell him e.g buy milk then he do it. Somehow I feel that meaning is so lost. I need you to plan ahead and buy milk so that i feel care and happy. And to get this, I must tell him then he do it. What is the point then??? I feel that I could get a maid to do all these.....

So in my mind, I just got the feeling that why I need him?? I need someone who can care for me from his bottom of his heart. But now this guy, he will not do anything because he is not capable, his limit is there. I found out after in courtship for 1year so I reckon I am not suitable for him because I need someone who can take care and take charge.

I voiced out that I wanted to break up.

But failed because he cried, plead and promises. In the end I soft heart and give in because I also still love him and wanted to break because I cannot take it all these small everyday trivial issues.

**Am I the only one out here who cannot stand these issues and want to be out because of them? I feel so lost and confused.**

So we continue and I will tell you what happen thereafter.

 

[powder]

are u pretty? cos u might consider being an actress and act in romantic serials so that u get such kind of attention. then at least your bfren not so stressed.

ok tat's abit tongue-in-cheek, but seriously IF such kinds of conscientious attention is what makes your day and world, then it's really time to breakup and leave. u're not gonna get it from him becos it's not in his nature and personality to give u these unless he puts in Alot of Effort to be perpetually conscious which over time - he'll get tired too. so what for? he isn't the type of guy u want, u're the type of girl who will just tire him out.

tending to your insomnia, nursing u over that, planning activities for u to optmise your life (and proportionately taking his time away as he takes on a 2nd job of events-planner - for u). perhaps your expectations are too high, yet i would not say what u want is too difficult. i'm sure there's a guy out there who would dedicate so much of his focus n attention to u, even planning ahead upto 1 year for your next bday.

do note it's gonna be rather hard finding such a guy, who comes with other attributes. it's easier to find this in our earlier days (before 23?) and perhaps u might consider a gfren if u are not opposed to a gay relationship. or maybe it's just me and the kind of guys i meet... might be abit rare...

i'm not making fun of u or anything, i'm just sorta reminded of how tiring it is to meet girls with your expectations. sleeping problem, going out problem, buying things problem... it's like i have to revolve my life around u and that's it u know? no-one else in my life... u become my goddess and i become your slave... this kind of relationship is tiring and unnecessary for a vareer-building guy... ah beng will say - "why got time?"

 

[strawberry_love]

i feel you expect too much.
at least he's concern abt you cos he asked abt your sleepless night.
if he doesnt plans, what's wrong with u planning and u both spend the day together?
some people just doesn't like planning
n pls dun expext him to read ur mind.
u said he's cheapo towards ur birthday then how grand u want it to be? be glad that he didnt forget ur birthday.
if u hv decided that he's not the one for u, pls let him go cos u will only add stress to him and he will not change so dun put hopes.
Dun expect n u will be happier in ur relationship.
Love is w/o judging and having expectations of our partners, No?

 

[mrs_beast]

HI Wat, r you very young? Life is not a bed of roses, the prince and princess lives happily ever after?. I think you are still not ready for a permantent long term relationship. You expect too much from yr partnet but you give too little, you expect him to think of a solution for you, give you surprises , grand birthday parties, but have you ever do the same thing to him? ask him how is his day at work, etc?Love is abt give and take. try to see things in his view, maybe he sees you as someone who loves to take charge, so he leave things to you, he know you can handle it w/o hassles. Look at things fm different angle. Some couples quarrel too much bcos both party want to take command, and does not want to compromise. At least yr b/fren does not dispute in decisions you make?

 

[powder]

one thing to add... some girls i've met in the course of my life... like to chat with the girls on holidays, presents, plans... this invariably leads to Comparisons...

at one point of my life, i saw thru it and i asked myself, "she wants these becos she really wants them? or becos tomoro she can go back to office and brag abt it?

i'm abit extreme in this aspect, i would think nothing of buying a 1-carat diamond ring, give to the girl and break up 5mins after... just to make a point. sometimes it's not whether we can afford it or how much we wanna do it, nor how often... but rather - i hate to be doing all these simply for u to feel good abt yourself. u should feel good simply becos u have a guy who's capable of these, and not require follow-up each and every time.

all said, these guys Can be found. they are often chasing skirts down at velvet, arena, and they normally spend all their money and time chasing skirts... career is likely not very bright so they are not very marriageable material either...

 

[simpleman]

Very simple right.

The litmus test for a relationship.. if you are not happy then quit. No point trying to analyze if you are too much..

 

[sparkless]

Let's break up your problems here.

1. You want a schedule. You want a plan. You appeared to be an organised person. On the other hand, your bf is not a planner or organise. Is a question of compatibility in character. If so, are you willing to accomodate this part of him?

2. Do you want quality time or quantity time with him? If it is just quantity, then watching TV has nothing wrong. If you are looking for quality time, then it should be something both of you enjoy doing together. It shouldn't be defined by the length of time you 2 stick together.

3. In a r/s, there cannot be 2 leaders. From the way you described your problems, you are the dominant figure in the r/s. You have high expectation on him because you want things to develop according to your ways. If it doesn't happen exactly what you want, you start to feel unloved and uncared for. Each person has their own ways to show care and concern.

I'm an organized person but I don't go around and organize my bf's life. It is just not him. My bf got call back to work in the middle of the night and I don't ask him when he will be done.

Meanwhile, I will just buy my lunch and grab a DVD. Is a Sun and I won't let my sunday spoil just becos my bf cannot tell me when he will be done and what are we doing later.

Like you said "time is precious"...

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

when he was jobless, i will look at the newspaper and circled for him positions suitable for him. I will surf all jobs website in Singapore to help him source. If he do it himself, he will take many days to do so because after 1hr, he will complain tired and he will go n take nap.

When things are out of order at home, he will just ignore it and do nothing. Complaining tired. I have been the one who has eyes only, repairing things and making tidy at home. If I get fed up and tell him off, he will says really, I did not notice and apologise saying he is tired and busy.

Basically being with him is like no movement and improvement in our life. He will leave things as it is because most of the stuff, he will not know and is not aware. I have to be the one always doing things to improve our life. He never plan for the future and he has never tell me what is in store in our future. So taking the past years as yardstick, I will just spend my life with him in this manner. Things not working, I do it or call company to service. Need a break or holiday, I plan. Going to Hong Kong / Taiwan / Bangkok, all the itineraries I am the one researching, going online to hear from others where are the places to visit. He just don't care. If he do it, he will end up taking many days just to find out 1 good place of interest. By that time, the trip is already the next day.

When we go shopping, if need to find a stuff, he will just walk around and if he cannot see with his eyes, he will just concluded sold out and want to leave. Then I will have to be the one asking the saleperson where they put the stuff. I really do not understand why a MAN can behave this way. And I am like the man asking for information and protecting the house!

sorry that I am still very emotions so maybe my post do not tie and is confusing.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

maybe I did not type well. About the birthday at Batam. I do not despise it because it is cheap. I despise it because it was my idea and why he could not have any surprise for me at all. Even bringing me to macritchie reservoir, I will also be very happy because I have never been there before and I will show that he thinks and care. But all these yrs, his suggestion will be bintan, batam, genting..........

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

Hi tulips (twinfairy), your analysis is good.

If a relationship cannot have 2 leaders so can a relationship have 2 followers?


In my single life, I am a follower. But the thing is I like to have my life to the fullest instead of wasting time to watch TV and take nap on our most precious weekend.

To be frank, I am no leader and I hate to lead. Over here, I am forced to take the role of a leader. I have told him many times that I want him to take charge and be a MAN. I hate to tell him to do this and do that. I really HATE IT. But do I have a choice??? I have played passive initially and do you know what happen, every weekend is either watching tv/DVDs or taking naps. No improvement in life, no planning. After a period of time, I suddenly woke up and ask myself that am I going to continue this lifestyle forever with this man??

Okay if love is the only reason to stick to him. How long can this love last?? Will my love for my last longer than all these unhappiness I have been experiencing?

Over time, love will fade and with all these slackness he show in our relationship, I really do not know how long I can still endure.

Or actually my problems are all really small problem where many women out day are already experiencing but is no big deal??

 

[star_dust]

lots of relationships are burning flames in the beginning - you're new to each other and there's so many exciting things to discover. the first time you go to a place, the first time u do things together...etc. but if you're looking for a long term commitment, all the first times will eventually become second times, third times.. and then to you, it may become routine.

if its like this for one guy, it may become like this for other relationships that u may go into in future. unless you find someone like my close guy friend who plans surprise trips for his wife's birthday to phuket just recently. and comes up with lots of romantic ideas. he prepares her breakfast and cuts up fruits for her to take to work - even after they've been married for over a decade, they're still so loving. but can you guarantee that when u find someone like my friend, u'll fall in love with him, and that he'll stay faithful to you?

love will not fade, it'll only slowly turn into a simmering flame that'll keep you warm throughout your life rather that burning hot all the time.

if you really find that you cannot live a life without the passion and energy you want, then perhaps you should leave him and find the life you want.

but if you really love this guy and can imagine spending life together forever, then either you have to do the planning, or be happy with his efforts in planning to please you. i think a relationship should have commitment, responsibility and security, rather than anything else.

i also went thru periods of time while we were still dating where its gotten so stagnant that weekends were just get to his place in the morning, have lunch his mum (now my MIL) cooks, go out and roam shopping centers or stay at home and sleep the day away, find a place for dinner, then either call our friends out for drinks or just go back to his place until its time to go home.

and i was pleasantly surprised after i got married, that my mum told me my dad is exactly the same in their nearly 30 years of marriage - she plans everything and he follows. =) and they're still happily married.

 

[powder]

u're a follower with expectations... i wanted to say control freak who has not control with her own emotions...

actually go overseas need itinerary meh? must squeeze in alot of places to take photo isit? u need to find him job asap becos u need him to stay employed isit?

sori if i misunderstand, just wanna understand or hope u understand your own agendas...

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

When I do everything and he just follows, I somehow will have this feeling of looking down on at him. I feel that everything he do not know and need me to plan and make his life better.

I do not want to feel this way, but I really cannot control. I need to tell him solutions to all problems and when I have problems, I also need to find my own solutions. Are all man like this??

Our external hard disk crashed and I realised that in that morning, he kept unplug and plug back the harddisk because he says no response. He did not realised that by doing the improper unplug of harddisk without using safely remove function will damage it. So the hard disk is gone and he did not bother to do anything with it. All his work and our photos are in it. No other back up. Still he do not care. In the end, I am the one sourcing around for help.

I am really tired of all these..... I do not wish to say whenever my gf have any IT problem, they will turn to their hb/bf. But for me? no way. Bear in mind, I am not from IT background too. I am just a simple, muddled head girl who also know nuts about the world out there. He in fact has more working experience than me.

I feel so suffocating everyday.

I have tried many times to break up but not possible. Because everytime he cried so hard and says will really learn to cherish and love me, I give in many times.

But after a while, he reverted and here am I suffering again. When I kept my anger and resentment to myself, his life goes on as usual. He will never sense that I am still not happy.

Only when I burst out, then he will get panicky.

So what should I do?? If I keep quiet, hoping to give him a chance to prove to me, he just take things for granted.

Only when I blew up then he move. So am I suppose to blow up on every thing so that he knows that need some movement?? I am so emotionally tired and desperate!

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

Hi powder,

Is a free and easy package, no itinerary then where to go? Just anyhow take train and anyhow walk out at any stop?? Is our first time to that country.

when he was jobless, he do not dare to tell his family and hide from friends. He get sleepless night because he is stressed and somehow felt ashamed.

I never take money from him so it does not affect me if he is employed or not. At first I thought he is not working, even better, he can relax and have more time to think for us. But no, he will sit in front of PC every hour and min, getting stressed and the days are like even worse than working.

 

[applepie2]

Wat,

I think is not possible he will change at all, unless you are the one who change. Change in the sense that you Love him for who he is & dun expect him to change for you.

Are you able to love him unconditionally ? I doubt so. Is tough actually. Perhaps, he is use to your "motherly ways" of handling things. If i know my partner can settle things for me or plans things for me, than i will just leave it to him and not bother to crack my mind.

Likewise, perhaps to him, he is so used to you doing things for him so he rather "stay still and not do anything". Is so easy to simply tell you "he will try will try". At the end , action speak loudest than words.

If you cant accept him the way he is, than let him go and find the one who u need and can complement you. I feel is his character/personality and i dun think he will change in the long term,but short term only, so as to please you.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

anna

yes, this is wat i have been feeling and i have also told him about your analysis before. I feel that it is more of my problem. Maybe other girl are more suited for him because he is actually very nice because apart from the above, he ironed our clothes and massage for me every night. Somehow whenever he massage, he will complain he is tired so I feel that he do it because he need to not because he is willing to. I think I am not suitable for him and I am sure the girl can tolerate to be proactive and take charge which I cannot take it and with his plus point, she will be in happiness.

I am in the midst of a beak up. But it is very stressful because we both are now apart for 1 day. But I am so scared he will come later and beg and ask to save this relationship because he has already sms. I feel so stressed and this is mentally torturing.

Everything to break up, I have to go through this emotion torture and he plead and I am soft hearted and go back to him. But this cycle never stop.

He will come and ask for forgivness and I have to go through this emotional torturing cycle again!!!! I really cannot take it anymore!!!

I wanted to run to other countries so as to hide from all these pressure and stress but I do not know where to go moreover I am working so I cannot say disappear then disappear.

To stay here, I have no more courage and energy to go through this cycle again....................................

 

[applepie2]

"He will come and ask for forgivness and I have to go through this emotional torturing cycle again!!!! I really cannot take it anymore!!! "

You can forgive him but he has to accept and respect your ultimate decision whether to continue the relationship. He also cant be selfish to insist you stay on IF you dun want right ?

Sometimes, is about knowing what you want, hold on to it and standing up for yourself. WHY shd you let his pleading/other pp opinion affect how you want to walk your life ? Love yourself enough to do what you know is good for yourself. Of course, whatever decision you make, take responsiblility for it & dun regret.

Only you hold the key to your own life, choices & happiness.

All the best.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

Thanks anna....

After so many times of breaking and patching. I find that I always give in because deep inside I still love him but his behavior really annoys and irritates me to the extend that I cannot endure them.

So whenever he ask for forgiveness, he will says he now know all these and will not repeat again.

I know that after so much times, it just will not work and things will again revert to old self.

But I am feeling so weak now. I cannot find the strength to insist I really want to break. I am feeling very emotional draining and I am very exhausted.

It is not easy to have a clean break. Can anyone tell me how to?

 

[green_tranquility]

Wat,

"I am in the midst of a beak up. But it is very stressful because we both are now apart for 1 day. But I am so scared he will come later and beg and ask to save this relationship because he has already sms. I feel so stressed and this is mentally torturing. "


I noted your efforts to find bf a job etc. in the relationship. However, I still think that your bf is in a more stressful position than you. He is the one who has to face your breakup threats, work hard to filfull your expectations, beg for your forgiveness all the time.


"I do not wish to say whenever my gf have any IT problem, they will turn to their hb/bf. But for me? no way. Bear in mind, I am not from IT background too. I am just a simple, muddled head girl who also know nuts about the world out there. He in fact has more working experience than me. "


Why are you comparing to other friends' bfs? How will u feel if your bf start comparing you with his friends' gfs? It's not healthy for you to harbour stereotyping expectations, e.g. guys are better than gals in technical stuff. My hb is from IT but he is unable to fix my computer problems lor. Why should I be unhappy about it? He's not my slave/helpdesk in the first place. I can always go online to search for the solutions, fix them myself or ask my other friends.


Please end the relationship to save you and your bf from more misery. After you date around with more guys, you will realise that none of them is perfect like the Prince Charming from the love drama, movies... You may also be happier being single because you don't have to worry so much for the bf anymore. It also gives your bf time to strive on his career because bread is as important as love.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

Green

"You may also be happier being single because you
don't have to worry so much for the bf anymore."

yes i agree. I think I am not suitable to be in any relationship.

btw, the work issue was few yrs back. I am just quoting what I have gone through. For the IT issue, I did not ever voice out to him on the comparison. It is just when I ask my frens or colleague for help on this issue, their reply will be your bf should know what to do.

 

[green_tranquility]

Wat,
"It is just when I ask my frens or colleague for help on this issue, their reply will be your bf should know what to do."

They are using this lame excuse to reject you because they don't want to help u out. Aiyoh...

 

[sparkless]

wat

To have a clean break - stop replying his calls and sms. You have already mentioned you have gone through this vicious cycles for so many times. If you are really determined to give up, you will stop all contacts.

He has become a follower because you allow him to. If things are spoilt at his house, does it really bother you or him? If you don't stay there, why pick up his mess?

What I am trying to say, just like an overprotective mother over her children, they will never grow and learn to handle stress and problems. Because you are responsible and organized, you start to "mother" your bf. Anyone that starts to realize someone is picking up their mess will just leave things at it is. Why bother to change?

Not to say that I have never made this mistake before. I have learnt to let go and stop organizing people's life.

Most people tend to draft out itinerary when they travel F&E. But actually there's no real need for that, even if it is your first time in a foreign country. I travel without any planning. We just decided on each day itself what we like to do. This is also another kind of experience that help you grow as a couple.

Lastly, why must the bf/ hubby know IT stuff? It is like another stereotyping that all girls must know how to cook.

 

[green_tranquility]

Luckily my hb doesn't have those stereotyping expectations. He doesn't expect me to be a perfect maid who is expert at housechores, cooking, babysitting. Otherwise siao liao, he will be threatening to divorce me often to blackmail me to change haha!

 

[happygirl7]

I think it's time to breakup and leave. You may be happier without him. I don't think your expectations towards him is high. Maybe, he just not that into you.

I ended my relationship with my man in Jan. We have been together for about 5 years. Due to our hectic schedule, we met up about once a week. We always quarrelled over small matters. I'm also the one who always plan and making decisions. I feel the same as you. I don't feel loved by him and think that he just cannot be bothered. But to him, he just want to have a break after a long day work and wants to rest his mind. He don't like to think much and always said as long as i'm with him he don't mind going anywhere or do any things. I'm also the person who likes to plan my days and he is the person who likes to make days count. He feels that i expect too much from him. As time goes by, he started spending more time with his friends than me. Cos he felt unhappy and tired being with me. He feels happier with his friends.

We had a talk and ended our relationship. We just don't suit each other. He has found his new love and plans to get ROM end of this year. We were together for 5 years and didn't really talk about marriage. They just knew each other for a few months and already planned to get married. The girl is not pregnant. Probably, he is really happy with her and found the right person whom he wants to spend his life with.

I initiated the break-up. I told myself if i really love him, i should let him go. We are happier now, as friends...

 

[applepie2]

JO,

You are really strong & decisive. How do you feel when your ex get married so fast, after break up with you ? Wont you feel sad at all ?

I believe you will also find the one whom truly loves and cherish you.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

I did not allow him to be follower. Some will says since his work is so hectic and if you can do it just do it lor. You can also share his workload. So that is how I started to do all these things. To be frank, my work is as stressful as his.

the thing is we are not very rich. the thing has to be repaired. he can turned blind eyes to such things.

Like there is one drawer which cannot be opened at all due to alignment problem. This drawer has my stuff and his stuff. But he can just ignore and heck care about the things inside. When he did the things in it, he will use his brute strength to open and then close it.

I am not saying bf/hb must know about IT stuff. I have tried bringing these faulty stuff to IT shop for repair or even like buying a PSP myself. Guess what, I am being ripped off and those IT repairman kinda "bully" girls.

<"Most people tend to draft out itinerary when they travel F&amp;E. But actually there's no real need for that, even if it is your first time in a foreign country. I travel without any planning. We just decided on each day itself what we like to do. This is also another kind of experience that help you grow as a couple.">

We have tried and end up even more stress and quarrel because you basically do not know where to go and what to do. End up when return to Sg and frens starting asking us did you try this, did you go here, etc. We did not because we basically do not know the attraction.

 

[infojunkie]

it boils down to one thing - Chemistry.

the apparent lack of initiative can be interpreted as hving a laid-back way of life if u r comfortable wif it... or unmotivated and lazy if u r feeling short-changed by it... it is a character flaw u either learn to embrace or opt to reject...

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

junkie

I think you are right. If cannot accept then opt to reject.



I really do not know if I am normal to feel all these or I am really too demanding.....

 

[happi_latte]

"But I am feeling so weak now. I cannot find the strength to insist I really want to break. I am feeling very emotional draining and I am very exhausted.

It is not easy to have a clean break. Can anyone tell me how to?"

It seems that you know you want to break but dun ve the courage 2 do it anyway. If so, than be contented to just stay by his side for the rest of your life, accept him the way he is and dun complain about his passiveness/weakness. Be prepared to continue to play the role you r playing now.

If you really cant stand him, than you shd move on. The choice is in your hands.

No point to stay on and grumble about his weakness. Is either stand by or move on with life.

You grumble for the rest of your life, he also wont change much I guess. So the only person who can change is perhaps just yourself. Change your expectation, change your wish, change for him totally so than you can complement his weakness.

 

[infojunkie]

"I really do not know if I am normal to feel all these or I am really too demanding....."

well, dun hv to justify urself to anyone... but do give it a serious thought... will u regret giving him up?

 

[powder]

wat,

u might be overly conscious and affected by those around u...

from my own experience, my wife's colleagues have bfrens who are all doing the right things that's loving, sweet and romantic. they plan all the holidays, bdays, anniversaries n even consult their gfrens on their wardrobe. i guess girls dig such stuff...

i never felt compelled to compete. there's no pressure watsoever. i've also told my wife tat there's no need to compete nor compare... when tough time comes, is when u will know what Love &amp; Sacrifice is, not good times.

some things dun need to compare, and some pple compare worthless things to feel good... what for?

but of cos i recognise your guy may be neither and currently perhaps lags far behind. so since u need a guy who knows everything, then it's time to break up. but do be careful... getting a guy who knows everything means there's a high chance he's a robert to frens - ie frens will call him for their problems to be solved.

wat's so difficult abt breaking up? if we can reject suitors we dun wanna be with, why can't we breakup with pple we no longer love?
u're looking

 

[powder]

regarding the travelling... if pple ask u what u did, u dun have to be pressured to present them with exciting stories to share... do u? doesn't matter what u've seen, but just the experience of being overseas might be good for some...

i've travelled extensivly in my younger days and i can tell u that i never saw attractions and stuff... i just walked, and walked, and mingled, drink coffee... u soak in the pple and country. well i guess it depends on wat's your flavour... i've been to venenzuela, mexico, brazil, corpus christi, capetown (just to name the exotic) besides most of asia... and i've No photos, No attraction visits but just walking and feeling the atmosphere.

maybe good to find a guy who loves to plan itineraries and die die must-see places. just make sure next guy has similar interest... dun later he museum/historical freak, and u attraction/touristy place freak. there's no end...

alot of couples love to travel, i believe u only travel as a couple if u have similar interests in that particular country, else better to travel with frens... for me i would never be dragged to bintan, bali, phuket, mauritius kind of places... i would rather shop in taipei and sit 5hours drinking coffe than 5hours scuba-diving in phuket. so see wat kind of travelling u like and try to find a guy of similar interest... this just to pre-empt u in case u have another problem relationship.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

>>this just to pre-empt u in case u have another problem relationship<<

thanks powder...

 

[miloice]

"And to get this, I must tell him then he do it. What is the point then??? I feel that I could get a maid to do all these....."

as much as u need to find someone compatible, expectations needs to be aligned. You are not alone in wanting the guy to be attentive and anticipate your thoughts. But, this is something not natural for MOST guys. Some guys are willing to take the effort while others don't. They just find someone independent enough not to expect or demand this kind of pamperings. There isn't right or wrong.

For you, if u want someone that could anticipate your needs, u need to find someone willing to do it. And also, u must learn to voice it out. BECAUSE this is the only way he can learn to understand you. No one can read your mind. Experienced guys probably is better with this kind of little little stuffs. But most of the 'players' do so only to get the gal.

What's important is to find someone compatible and committed to grow together with you. Remember, this walk is a learning process for BOTH. You need to learn how to influence your guy too. Right balance of motivation, encouragement, communication and setting 'boundaries/limits' are needed.

If you expect to just find someone that understand you automatically, then forget it, it will never happen. That only happens in the honeymoon period when we are blind to any issues.

 

[sparkless]

The lack of appreciation &amp; initiative from your bf but an overly concern on what other think of you, makes you find it hard to make a clean break.

On one hand you think there's no future with your current bf, yet you are concerned whether bystanders perceive you as demanding.

In a r/s, there's no absolute right or wrong. If you find that loving him becomes a chore for you, then just walk out. Why do you need to justify your action?

But I would suggest you do some reflections over this r/s and learn from there. Otherwise, you are likely to repeat the same cycle and face the same problem again.

Some guys can be with you for years but never at the same platform as you. Don't loose heart, someday you will find another standing at the same platform with you.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

thank you Tulips...... Yes, it is really so hard for me to walk away from this r/s. As it involve all our friends, both sides of our parents and even relatives..... I would say these pressure from them prevented me from having clean break so many years. Though it is always said love and marriage is between two persons but in reality it is not very true. For those who are in my situation before will understand this.

 

[soontobe]

Wat, y dun you do yourself and him a favor by breaking up with him?

Coz during the wedding prep and after marriage, i can tell u that there are more things that you will be doing and organizing...don't waste your time and his..

Well, I was thinking if you meet someone who's really romantic and plan/lead all things, r u sure u can accept him either?

Think careful of what u r asking for.....

 

[miloice]

put it simply, do u see a future with him?

If no, what's stopping you? You only live once. You don't owe someone else a living.

 

[strawberry_love]

wat,
so u want to live in unhappiness for others?

 

[jolinr]

Hm, your bf is lacking of innitiative, not caring and you got to prepare many things for him, but i wonder if your bf would find you are hard to "maintain" also? Need surprise, care, attention, plan, blah blah, hm...

Luckily i am not a guy

 

[shirleypoise]

Yours is a typical mismatched case. U basically want him to be someone dat he's not n prob never will be.

Best way out is to leave him since u are not able to accomodate him. It's a waste to time to hang on to someone who can give u wat u wan, esp when it's causing misery.

Wouldn't say that u r wrong, can only blame all the tv dramas that r giving a dreamy defination of the roles of a bf n gals dreamingly thinks that those are the basic roles of a good bf.

A reminder tho: it's not abt experience or inexperience. It's abt his personality n character.

 

[mrs_beast]

Actually very simple.. you can take it, go on. you cannot, just break up? Why think of all the excuse, parents, friendds etc.. sorry to say this, somehow, bcos you are romantic type, so you actually cling on bcos he will come to beg and cry for you to go back to him, maybe do some romantic things, dedicate songs lah, wait for you downstairs , give you surprise lah.. If you cannot see eye to eye with him, just let go. Dont wait for a few years later, drag a kid into the picture, this is not going to work.

 

[alcifertoh]

Sometimes it's tough being a guy. Not quite entitled to live in peace and indulge in simple contentment. Hencefore always subscribed to the thoughts of either happier together or better off living alone.

Why get together to find out that you have to live your life for the other person?

I quote the tiredness that you feel, and vice versa your BF could feel the same and very likely worse to your expectations.

 

[soontobe]

Well, i do think that most women are difficult to please...well, I'm one myself..

I was doing most of the planning when i was dating my hubby...same, i like activities to be planned way ahead so that we can have better control of timing. I will like him to be romantic...i like him to lead me coz I prefer to be a follower....i was running and sourcing for information for our wedding..i was fedup w my hubby being the bochap type...

But......when he started to take the lead and tell me how to do things, I am UNHAPPY this time.....wahahahahahahahahaha........coz I wan him to do things how I would or usually do...coz I wan him to do things that please ME and MY frens/family rather than his....

Over the 4 fours of courtship/marriage, we are learning to align our roles.....we learn to discuss and decide together...though nothing much has changed that I'm still the one doing all the scouting works, I'm still the one nagging at him to help me with housework and to constantly remind him to send me presents and flowers during important occasions.....

 

[rubbishcow]

wat,

addressing to your subject, yes, you are asking too much.

isn't spending every minute with you love one precious? even when it is just sitting at home watching tv, lazing around, drinking coffee be it starbucks or kopitiam or window shopping endlessly along orchard road precious?

you want your bf to be planning every weekend with exciting stuff? this is SG, we have limited land and activities to do. unless you are in a huge country whereby you can enjoy road trip every weekend and you can have limitless adventurous time together, why is it so hard for you to just stay at home after 1 whole week of hardwork?

like what breakfree had mentioned, probably too much of those tv dramas like boys over flowers had gave you a defination of dreamy, romantic man who are able to provide you weekly adventurous activities. if you really decided to leave your man, please also adjust your expectations on your future bf. otherwise, we will be reading another of a same post repeating, why is my bf as boring as my ex.

 

[vios]

U mentioned that u still love him? As in, love him for who he is? R u sure?

Well, of course i'm sure there was love in the beginning stage aka honeymoon period, whereby you felt that everything was great - even holding hands in the lift was memorable.
Given the fact that your horizon kinda widened overtime and coupled with the love stories from peers and tv drama, i'm not least surprised that you find him this, find that, then this, then that - even his "lack of initiative" to pull down the toilet seat pisses you off.

BTW, i've a hunch that you are in the 21-24 yrs old's age group. Actually, it's norm that your demands start to multiply as you meet more people, and to be fair, i'm quite sure most of us went thru this phrase when we were much younger.

But you know what? For mine, the breakups created stronger indivduals out of myself and my ex-es. From there, we've had learnt to cope with future r/s issues. (i'm still in contact with them)

Who the heck in your circle of friends or family said that breakups are bad?
And who the heck concluded that mutual friends and family members can decide for your future?

Giving in to Pressure (external or internal forms) is simply lacking in courage to stand firm...

 

[icesugar]

Hi,

Seriously, I feel many guys are not the really attentive sort, juz feel that it's guys nature, women are always more attentive to details... Tat's why men n women complements...

To find a guy who is romantic, giving you adventure every week is really quite impossible... Why? Because this is Singapore, there are not so many activities to do here, and cause everyone is usually so tired after the whole week of hectic working life, it is natural to want to stay at home and laze around, juz enjoy a carefree n relax weekend...

Think about this clearly, weekdays, how much time do you spend at home exactly, early morning leave home for work, night time reach home, bathe, watch tv for awhile and it's time to sleep... How much time do you exactly have at home? I'm not sure how or wat ur bf is thinking, but he could be thinking abt this as well... Come on, weekends r not a time to be stressed, even not planning anything, both of u staying at home together to watch movies, playing game, cooking etc is still spening time together...

If u want a long term committment towards a relationship, u can't expect every week to have something new n exciting to do, cause ideas wil definitely run out... And imagine next time when u r married, do u think the excitement wil stil b there? Married life u r talking about being together til u die...

I used to think like u do, when I was stil in the first 2 years of the relationship, y every week never go out, y every week stay at home watch tv, y i hear my other girlfriends' bfs take them to this place take them to tat place? Y other frens got surprise from bf i dun have? Y this y tat? As i grow older, my thinking starts to get mature, y compare? When i started working, i start to understand y weekends r suddenly so important, cos it's the only 2 days to have the time at home, spend time with my family, have rest etc at home... So many hours a week u r spending time outside le, not sianz? not sick of it?

I start to treasure the time at home with bf, watching tv together, or he can b playing game while i surf net, but even so, it's stil time together, it's a luxury... Even better when we go to supermarket or wet market to get some purchases n we cook together, while it's time together...

My bf also a typical guy, not one who is romantic, not one to give me adventures, not one with a lot of flowery words, but end of the day, i know he loves me, from the bottom of his heart, n tat's wat really matters, cos in a relationship, tat's wat most important... Other things r all secondary, if there's no love, the relationship wil juz die...

U can't expect to change ur man totally, u muz also learn to adjust ur expectations... I learnt to adjust my expectations n also learn to see things from his point of view, though from time to time there wil b disappointments, cos women r stil women, sometimes u wil juz wan to feel pampered n have romance, but if u keep dwelling over it, both of u wil feel miserable, den wat's the point?

Communication is very important, if u wan something to b done, say it, dun hint it... Eg. if u wan the hard disk drive to b repaired, dun juz say, hmmm... the hard disk drive dun seem to b working leh... How would ur bf know wat is he suppose to do, Do u wan him to try to fix it, do u wan him to bring out n repair, or r u going to do it urself? Rather u juz make it clear, "hey, the hard disk is spoilt, could u try to fix it or mayb bring somewhere to repair?" Like this, it is very clear n ur bf dun have to guess wat u r thinking about or wat exactly u wan him to do...

Anyway, the above is juz my comments after reading through the posts... n also sharing about my own experience... end of the day, final decision is stil up to u, if u stil feel tat u can't imagine to b with this man forever, den it's time to leave... for me, i could imagine myself with my bf til i die, so i learn to accept n adjust my expectations, and we have been together for 8 yrs plus now, we r getting married at the end of this yr, during our 9th yr anniversary... So, u muz really think whether u really love this man deep enough to accept him no matter wat... from wat i hear, i believe this man loves u alot, else despite ur many times asking for break, y would he stil wan to ask for patch, he can jus move on if he dun love u... Ask urself, r u perfect? don't u have shortcomings? Is ur bf always complaining abt u also? If he is not, den y can't u accept him as he is?

Change ur bf only if it helps him to become a better guy, eg. if he is not one to think deeply into things, n u r a deep thinker, u can help to analyse the situation etc to him, to let him see clearer picture n make his decision better... Getting him to b romantic or planning for activities etc wun really help him become a better person and have better personality...

I think my post is really quite long already, anyway, like mentioned, this is juz to share my personal view... Dun take anything personal...

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

maybe i should quantify on the weekend planning... when I says planning for the weekend, I do not really meant the romantic sort. Of cuz if have is a bonus to me. But what I really meant was the planning things in advance. Say e.g. mutual fren's birthday. It is already round the corner but he will not bother to say lets go now to shop for a gift. He will wait till very last min like tomorrow is the day then he will get panick and ask what should we buy. Then he would do last min shopping and anyhow go to a shop and buy something.. And majority of the time, the gift is 2times more expensive than if we have shop for it. What I am trying to say is, his style is he like to do things last min and I will have to be the one who have to pick up the pieces and bear his "mistake" of being last min because I will end up be the one stressed over it and go round last min sourcing for things. Birthday is just an example, it could range from renewal of things, last drop of this shaver cream, etc.

If he had plan these things in advance, we could like buy them over the weekend. He wouldn't need to spend unneccessary and extra money on the item just because it is last min. It is not that his money is mine money, it is more of I know his earning is not a lot and I want him to have enough to spend.

Yes some of you may say, since he do not action to buy gift and you know he is like that, why don't I just go and buy? But the thing is many times, he also tell me about such occasion last min and I will be like, "Why didn't you tell me earlier, I was at the place yesterday and could have bought it" He will be like "Sorry dear, I forgot" This line of him is always on his lips. It is always sorry I forgot, sorry I was too busy.

 

[reallydonotknowhow]

He love to tell me last min info.

I am perfectly alright for weekends to laze at home, watch tv and nap. But I hope to have more quality time and not quantity. I rather have only 1hr of quality time than 10hrs of quantity.

We spend our weekend together for the past yrs and it work out to be how many thousands hours already. But do you come Monday morning, he love to tell me, "dear, later I got meeting and need to do OT till very late.." or sms on Monday at 6.30pm that "Today I have meeting and need to work late" And do you know that all these meetings are not last min, they were known to him weeks before.

No matter how many times I have told him straight (no beating around bush) that I hate to have last min info, he still repeats them. And when I question why he still repeat them knowingly that I will be unhappy. His reply will be "sorry dear, I duno why I always forget, I cannot help it, I just duno why I cannot rem" Sigh..... I am suffering at his mistakes many times. He simply says sorry I forgot and I really do not meant to do so but the impact on me is very great!

I really dono what to say. Thanks for providing a listening ear to me....

 

[mypellia]

wat,

Always remember, everyone is unique. If you can't accept or cope with what you are going through. Seriously ask yourself if you like to continue to live with him for the rest of your life. There are more things in store for you after married.

You are just being attached. Love is more than what you are expecting.

Like all good advises out there. Ponder through.
Have some time for yourself.

Take care