HELP! Advices needed! Appreciated with thanks!

[cherylicious]

Hi all,

Need your advices / suggestions to the problem I'm facing...

My SO's mom passed away long ago, and his dad, to him, is as good as dead (Just recently get to know that his dad left his family long ago)...So currently, my SO is staying with his sister.

However, there's something which I do not really like about her. She is over-possessive towards her brother - for your info, she has 2 daughters... Now I know we gotta respect the In-Laws and be also glad that I do not need to face any troublesome MIL / FIL's...

But this sister of his, plans everything for us! When to ROM, When to married, etc. I mean I really appreciate that a lot because Wedding is such a big project. However, I thought shouldn't she finds a time to discuss with us instead of doing all the plannings by herself? Do I need to talk this out to my SO? I know my SO is very accommodating to his sister so there might be conflicts which I do not wish this to happen.

What should I do for this? I have my ideas and the things I want may not necessary be what she wants.

2ndly, as i mentioned, his dad re-married and out of the blue, his step-sis added me in facebook and she's pretty rude with me. Fine, whatever. But what I'm not happy is that for god-knows-what-reasons, outta blue his step-family starts to get close with me... first she added me in fb, so out of no ill-intention, I decided to add her. After that, I strike a friendly conversation, but she just del me away. Fine! I'm ok with that but what I'm not happy is that suddenly all the step-siblings start to be in contact with him and then me.

I do came from a better-to-do family background than my SO, however, I did not expect his other family to just come acknowledge us upon knowing that we are going to get married soon.

I don't wish to have people to come up to me to 'ren qing'... i'm also very afraid if they were to suddenly come up to me to say 'i'm your so's so and so... i need x amount of monie... can u lend me?'

I dont wish this kinda things to happen though I do understand that it's beyond my control...

What should I do about it?

*sigh*

 

[miloice]

pardon me, u have probs with facebook? Worry this worry that... Don't like this don't like that... simply because some of his relatives started in contact with him, u assuming that somehow they would borrow money from you?!? That friendly conversation u strike with the step sis is probably not as friendly as u might perceive and hence she drop you.

Fine, whatever.

Just reading what you wrote spells trouble. ENDLESS ones. But, its not just because of your in laws. Much of it is because of your own reactions as well. Your husband is completely fine with his family. Until you came into the picture. It is not hard to understand that your husband is close to his sister and probably she has taken on this role of his mum and care giver for many years. And its obvious that is out of pure good intentions to help him with his marriage. Some basic tact in handling differences and being assertive is required. You need to 1st stop reading into every actions of others negatively and give them more benefit of the doubt. And I mean really letting go and stop thinking about it. Don't be so particular abt every little things and work out what are important for both of you and tell your partner abt it.

Fine. whatever. Then mean it. Not continue with buts and reasons why u r unhappy. Don't say it only. Out of 10 ladies that like to use this phase, 10 don't mean it at all. Frankly, not hard to read that you are from well protected family. That princess mentality is written all over your reactions. FINE! Somehow, I doubt you would appreciate any of the advise. Its going to be hard to swallow.

 

[yoongf]

It's your life, it's your marriage. Take control.
Every SO comes with their baggage. If u cannot accept the baggage, move on. Don't think that just because u are a SO, the baggage will go away.

Ppl will do things, weird to u, but perfectly normal to others. U don't have to take it personally.

 

[infojunkie]

"I have my ideas and the things I want may not necessary be what she wants"

hv a friendly dicussion with her then.

just speak up on what u dun wan, see what she has to say abt it, and work from there.

as for the step-sibling, who cares what she does except u? it'll be a real issue if u start to treat this non-issue as an issue...

dun waste time on petty stuff lah...

stay focused on planning ur wedding...

it's such a BIG project u know

 

[ajumma]

I think you're being paranoid because those step-siblings may be just curious about your boyfriend's lovelife.

You can always say no if they try to borrow from you. Those step siblings dont' sound close to your boyfriend, so it's easy to reject them.

Talk to him about the wedding preparation and your preferences.

 

[powder]

clise your facebook account. i dun have one n i'm a happy person

 

[cherylicious]

Well, the sis seems to be a little over kpo on our lives... i know her intentions are kind however there's a limit to every details/things in life.

I am least glad that my parents dont mind my SO to stay at my place despite my dad being super traditional kinda. His sis is kinda ah-lian type... scary u know. I just know I'm not going to move in with his family.

She decides and dictates everything my SO does. And even sms me to tell me how she is so concern about bringing the family line - meaning she wants us to get married and quickly to have kids. Ah, we know what to do, no need her to teach us... and she told me she'll go every miles to protect her bro. C'mon. Do u know, my SO is super rely on his sis? Every step of life, he gotta ask his sis first. Arloe~ there!!!

Every month, he'll pass ALL his earning to his sis who will then give him x amount for the weeek... Oh my god! when we were to go out for movie, he'll gotta ask his sis. if his sis doesnt give, she'll ask him to take frm me. I dun mind but he's the guy after all. He told me he oso feel paiseh.

As for his step-family... I cant be bothered really. But its too sudden that ppl knows we're going to get married, then all his steps siblings start to act friendly. arghhh!!!

 

[infojunkie]

"Arloe~ there!!! Oh my god! arghhh!!!"

OMG! OMG! OMG!

how could she!

how could he!

how could them!

do this to u?

OMG this is sooooo unreal!

just sooooo unreal...

...

...

...

some more?

 

[cherylicious]

U know, it's not that I wish to rant on or to tell u how noble I am.

She demands him to give him ALL HIS PAY and only give her 100bucks a week. We are over the mid20s and when i ask him whether has he seen all his saving, after all these while? He told me NOPE. Fine...

My SO told me its enough for him to spend and go dating with me on his off days. Okay, Fine with that. Its not the monie that matters to me, like how much we spend, etc. So he told me that his sis suggest that since 100 bucks is for 1 wk and nothing much, he gotta tabao to work. Fine, i'm cool with that, thinking that outside food is filled with MSG, salt, greasy, etc.

Guess what is in his food pack?
3/4 Rice
- 3 pc nuggets OR 2 saugages OR Egg with prawns OR just veg... OR Potato with hotdog OR 3 luncheon meat.

Thats all for a grown up? I am on diet yet I eat much better food than him. Okay, to be fair, I'm not expecting FISH, MEAT everyday... but cant it be like once a while? Whats the purpose of bring food from home when he's not eating healthy? And when i asked him casually, so ur jie and family oso eat the same as u uh? He told me, no, they go restaurant... They go restaurant wkly and my poor SO has to eat all those food? What the crap is this? I'm very heartbroken...

My SO works as hard as everyone and earns higher pay than all his peers, but he did not eat anything good. If u think it's because he did it because of saving, no, its not. Because of this, I do not mind go on dutch. But his sis will depends on him to buy stuffs with the 100 per week on her daughters. I would understand that if a uncle dotes on his nieces but he barely can survive with 100 bucks in a week. All I really got from him is a diamond ring which he saved up... I dont mind but I just dont like the way his sis treats him...

Anyway, i'll boil some chinese soup for him every weekend. BTW, i gotta work on weekdays, even if i want to cook, i've got no time for to cook and he doesnt want me to rush here and there. He doesnt want to tire me out. But you cant expect miracle to happen that once a week to eat something nutritious will make him strong. My SO is always cough or having flu...

So i do not think his sis gotta rights to interfere much on our lives. Basically, if she really loves her bro, then why allow him to eat those food and even if my SO likes it, shouldnt she has the common sense to feed him well? I've been to her house for dinner twice... These are their eatting style... And during CNY Reunion, they cooked even more delicious and expensive food...

[[His sis is a HR Manager of big firm and his bro-in-law is a Event & Marketing Manager of a local well-recognised company.]]

So she expects her bro to have kids - while his savings are all with her? And how to have kids if the dad is always coughing / flu?

Once, my SO was running high fever of 40deg. I rushed down to his place and take care of him overnight... told him to get panadol first, he told me that he is too weak to do so... So in the middle of night, I took a cab (i stay at North East and he stayed at JP area) down to get him panadol... watch his fever... and cook dinner for him - yes the whole family is sleeping and doesnt even care if my SO had his dinner already or not. So the next day, I informed the sis that since my SO's fever is still not subside yet, i'm bringing him to the clinic when its open... She told me, aiya, nevermind, just go drink some liangcha...

What!? Okay, fine, so i went to JP to get him those bottled liangcha, but at 2pm, his fever is still running hot. So I forced and bring him to consult doc. He's down with some infection...

Can u all imagine? I'm an easy person to be with, however, what's the sis doing to my SO? Everything also want to kpo, then when things which need a little more attention, she doesnt bother.

I dont think I'll want her to help much in the wedding preparation, just that I'm paiseh to say out. Yes, my SO is old enough to fend for himself, but he's always too nice, so soft-hearted... and the sis will always tell us how noble she is la, that she hopes this and that. Practically running the role of a mother.

I would appreciate if at times she can know when to come into the picture and when not to...

As for the step-siblings part, nothing much of a concern, really. just dont like it when the unexpected of monetary issue starts surfacing... i'm not very rich but at least my family is quite well-to-do. I do not wish my dad or esp my mom tells me: see la, marry wrong guy... now the family (step) needs monie then come to us... blah blah blah...

 

[cherylicious]

Hi Junkie

I know the whole matter seems a little drama but that's what I am really facing now.

This sucks but I really love my SO... Thats simple

 

[miloice]

talk to him... he needs to manage his sis. not u. if he haven't think for himself all the while, its time for him.

u can voice the concerns but let him process it internally and take initiative and charge in the matter. Even if he screws up. he nneds to start somewhere. Otherwise, u would be no diff from his sis. Both mothering him and telling him what is good and right. Fine with that?

if he doesn't want to change then u muz realize what u r getting into. Dun marry expecting changes. Marry because u can trust him and have confidence with your future together with him.

 

[infojunkie]

why u so like to yak abt his step family asking $$$ fm u? think u hv delusional disorder ok...

and ur SO is just another overage schoolboy who refuses to grow up...

u think he's oliver twist?

what to do? u chose him.

 

[miloice]

well... to her, he is just too nice and soft hearted. To others, he is a wimp.

How she described to care for him and expected his married sister of 2 kids to baby him is so unreal. TS takes great pride to baby him and that's where the conflict of interest is. She has her own idea on how to best manage him and no one else should have this rights.

A man that cannot manage his own finances and need a sister to manage for him all these while. Wah... so man??

 

[infojunkie]

it's always the same thing over here

 

[tomasulu]

I don't think you'd be happy with your SO. You are drama queen and he is momma's boy.

 

[nichie]

By complaining and being so unhappy now and if your S0 is still so nice and soft hearted going forward refusing to take charge of his life, then I do think you are marrying the wrong guy...more to come after marriage if he remain the same...think properly before you jump in...easy to marry but troublesome to divorce...

 

[powder]

cheryl, He has to buck up... feels more like a boy to me.

 

[susanna_low]

Before u decide to get married, have u ever work out a financial plan with him? Start saving for wedding, house, renovation, kids etc? If so, it's impossible to let his sis to handle his finance like now. She with a own family of her own will most probably understand this part too.

It's his current lifestyle now but then after marriage and staying in your own house, it will be entirely different. His sis being a high flyer with 2 kids of her own, I don't ever think she have the time to even entertain both of u. It's entirely both of your call to lead the lifestyle as you want.

As for my own wedding @ 23, my hb n i did our research and decide all by ourselves despite the helpful advise tt my fil suggested like void desk wedding etc. All of those, we just smile before proceed to make our own decisions while following the traditional ones like "guo da li" etc, it's not a fancy wedding but a happy one tt we all njoyed.

Have a good discussion to plan your future with ur bf bah...

 

[ajumma]

Pity your husband to be. The sister sounds like a controlling person. Why can't he stop giving her his pay? This is utter nonsense that a grown man must hand his paycheck over to his sister.

He's already an adult and fully capable of handling his finances. You can tell him that it's alright to love his sis, but once he's married, his own family must be the top priority.

As for the step siblings borrowing money from you, you can direct them to his sister since she has most of his money.

Tell them it's your parents who are rich and not you and they won't lend the money.

 

[lovingyou]

Cheryl: Mid-twenties but ur SO is behaving like a little boy? No offence, but I am just wondering why can't he stand up for himself? There's nothing you can do if he finds nothing wrong with such arrangements?

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Cheryl,

I'm quite similar to your hubby. My mum controlled my pay check when I started working on the pretext of "helping" me to save money.
Being naive, I said OK and just have $300 per mth for daily use.

My hubby was shock when he realise I don't have any personal savings at all because all lock up with my mum.

So my hubby paid everything for the wedding and the house, not once did he complain that I didn't contribute or push me to get my savings from my mum.

However, I stood up for myself one day and asked my mum for my savings back. She said over her dead body. I can only have it when she is dead.

From that day on, I keep my own paycheck and only give her a portion for her pocket money.
Initially, she made a big hoo-ha but I just ignore all her threats till she gives up.

------------------------------------------------

I believe your hubby will stand up to his sis one day. You just be a pretty bride and don't worry about it.

Just like my hubby, he also didn't ask my to do anything about it because he believe I will realise it one day.

For your information, I never get to "see" my locked up savings with my mum till this day!

 

[miloice]

"I believe your hubby will stand up to his sis one day. You just be a pretty bride and don't worry about it."

Kind of optimistic. Issues are existing and will not disappear if those involved don't feel or see the need to change.

Anyway, can someone please share on what is so attractive about a man that cannot even properly communicate with his family without offending them, having no say over basic matters that is no business of anyone else but himself!

 

[clark]

he is better looking than you.

Not to mention, also slim.

 

[miloice]

Marry a duck then. or a superman with walking stick.

 

[powder]

i would assume his sister buys his underwear n daily necessities?

anyway under such circumstances, i would think marriage should not be explored yet. just keep dating until he breaks the hold... the hold from the sister.

it would be tough to see how u can have a life if finances are controlled by a 3rd party... this isn't abt pocket money, it's abt Planning, Executing housing, cars, expenses, medicals, insurance, children, school, education, travels, career etc etc etc...

u can't do that without your Own money, or knowing if u can access your Own money.

kinda stupid really...

 

[happiness1]

I agree, this is not a man yet.
He needs to change else you 2 will keep quarelling again an again till one day your heart and his heart will die off....
I am also sure in your heart you will gradually despise this man and he will think that you dont respect him and you will think that he is not making you a happy bride to be and he dont love you etc and things will spiral into more and more complex and finish at the end....it couild be a trick also, all this is just drama between he and his sister and what they want is you to "help" , another words, they are calculative, he let his sister be the bad one, only motive is to make you pay to marry yourself off...do you think it is the motive this way?

 

[oneder]

TS is so delusional on the different scenarios that has presented to her. Equating step-in laws contacts solely based on asking for money. Self proclaiming that she is such a nice person when it is clear that she is not just by reading at what she has posted. I would say she needs help as much as her bf.

And Maybe the most effective way is to ask him to come to this forum so that he can learn to wake up his idea and take charge of his own life. Or maybe we could also learn the truth of the arrangement. (If he wanted help or if he ever recognise that he needs help)

 

[miloice]

Exactly, that's why there will be endless trouble ahead for TS.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Cheryl,

Are you prepare to be like my hubby? To pay for everything, from the wedding to the house and not complain at all.

My hubby comes from a traditional family where the women in his house (Mum, Sis, Aunties) never paid for anything. All of them have allowances from their hubbies.

So it's in grind in him from young that he has to save up if he wants to get marry and not expect anything from the wife and still give wife allowances.

Will you be ok to pay for everything and still give hubby an allowance?

 

[happiness1]

Albee,
If turn around, can you?

 

[clark]

Albee, your husband sounds like a loser aka ATM machine (but with little cash inside).

Poor guy to be stuck with you.

 

[lovingyou]

“My hubby comes from a traditional family where the women in his house (Mum, Sis, Aunties) never paid for anything. All of them have allowances from their hubbies.†= This does make women sounds so useless in this era...

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi littlewoman,

The women in my hubby's family either work very little or never work. My hubby's sis never work but she manages her household very well.

The house is always neat and clean. The family always have nutritious home-cooked food and all the children are scholars. Her relationship with her hubby is also very good.

Every often, all the his sisters and I will gather in hubby's mum house to cook and share children upbringing tips.

After dinner, all the us will go for a stroll by the park or beach.

Why do you think women in this era sounds useless?
Really? Here I am trying to learn from his sis how to bring up children well. Her children are very filial and well-behave and do well in school. Her hubby is very proud of his wife's achievements, he doesn't find her useless.

So I'm puzzled over your statement. Can share with me your view?

Thanks. Hope to learn something from you.

 

[clark]

Your hubby sis and your life is prefect ! u dun need to learn at all. you are the model family.

What a load of crap.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi kent,

You live in District 10, so you know what I mean. The women and even the men there work very little or not at all. I'm sure you don't work a lot too because you work with your brains.
Good for you!

My daughter's classmates' mummies also don't work.
They are very active in the school volunteering program. I really admire their school spirit.

They taught me how to do science experiments or art projects with our daughters at home. I really glad I can do these things with my daughters.

Now I know why my daughters' school do so well in PSLE year after year. It's because of these self-less non-working mummies who volunteer to help the weaker students in the school.

 

[tomasulu]

Someone would write about Albee and her cohort 200 years later and be known as Jane Austen of the 23rd century. Lives of the little-worked aristocrats who wore wigs (hair extender!) and powdered their faces (helena rubinstein). and how their scion competed their chariots of fire in the toughest and most prestigious schools of their time. What drama!

 

[lovingyou]

My hubby's sis never work but she manages her household very well
================================================
Even working mums are able to manage household well, but given a FTSH mum, what's so surprising about it? Yes, there are women out in this world who do not care about their children, their family, can't manage a household well but well, when you are prepared to stay at home to be a full time mum, what's so surprising on a good management of the family and/or providing the family with nutritious food?

all the children are scholars
===============================================
Majority of my aunties are FTWMs, but well, though only some of my cousins are on scholarships, but they are all graduates... I personally do not see the link on this point...

Why do you think women in this era sounds useless?
=================================================
I will saluate women when they earn their own keep, help out in family, at the same time manage their family well... I don't believe in using HB's monies nor asking my HB to pay for every single thing in my life/for the family. What's so capable on woman using their HB's monies for every part of the life... again, this is my personal perspective, some ppl might term it as sour grapes.. but, I do believe that women should be independent in monetary aspects, rather than dependent on HB on every single cent. Home belongs to both parties, hence, why should the guy be the sole contributor? This really set me wondering...

 

[miloice]

my maid manages the household very well too.

 

[eddie77]

How long have you known each other?
I think you should post phone your wedding and ROM first. Yes, there will be great trouble if the finance issues are not settled. Talk to your bf about all these issues and see what he says.
Of course, after marriage, he is not going to give his sister his salary right? is he?
Tell him that his salary will be given to you now after marriage, and see what he says.
Of course that's not right too. But you should have common saving and each one would take care of different things. (That's just one way.)
Yes, let him make the change first before marriage take place. Which means now he should stop giving money to his sister save up with you together. And don't let him have the idea that you will pay for most of them since you come from a well to do family. He's the man. He should take charge.