Heart is confuse mind is blank

[xinku]

Hi All,

I am a Singaporean late 20 male. I noe my wife for 3 years and we got ROM for 2 years le. She oso Singaporean she is younger than me by 5years. She had left me for almost 4 mths le. We got no children and our flat is still under construction only paid the 5%. She have edited her FB to single and post pics of her new man. I am really sad and heart broken. She claim i am hopeless and not able to gave her wat she wan in life. I am earning 4kplus still not gd enough. I am really at a lost wat to do now... She wan a divorce. Should i try to win her back or divorce?

 

[opalstar]

The straightforward answer.. is to go for a divorce. Counselling may not help much at this stage. No point retaining her by your side in status only right?

However, the story is abit no head no tail as well. Why did she chose to leave you? What is the triggering factor? Why did she say you are hopeless and cannot give her what she want?

With more information, maybe will get different advise from other forummers ? Although I am not sure if you really want to take her back.

 

[texasholdem]

why waste time on a woman who is materialistic? at least u saw her thorugh isnt it? the forest still got other trees other than her. remember this. it's a VAST WORLD OUT THERE

 

[xinku]

Hi Opal,

Thank you for replying.
Counselling i have been 5 times during the first 2 mths. First 3 times i go alone than the 4 time she and me the last time i went alone.

Main issue is me as last 2 years careers wise not so smooth sailing been out of job for half a year than change two job within a year. Has been down with my emotionally most of the time. But never had i spend her $$$ just i cannot afford much. Hopeless in a sense that i am not i use to be very motivated, lazy attitude has been more obvious. She has high hopes and aims to achieve more and i am more of a contented person. I cannot gave her instant result as i am starting to pick up where i left off 2 years ago to achieve better in terms of $$$ wise and aims. So for me is actually sort of like climbing back to where i belong. She is young and ambitious and she felt love only is not enough. She is not very sure what is the road ahead i feel and is too native.

 

[cuclainne]

feel sorry for you .. there's nothing we would like better than a supportive spouse but unfortunately, you are not moving fast enough for her liking.

 

[xinku]

Hi cuclainne,

She been very supportive for the past 5years but her career is getting better maybe she seen more and experience more so there is a sudden change of heart. What made me feel worse is that if i am no good i can admit it but in such a short period of time she got a new man i am really lost. I feel like asking her when it started after you left or before? But does it matters at all? I am at a lost i loved her a lot how can i win her back and forget all this or i should just let this hurt and pain for awhile and i will recover maybe in a year?

 

[opalstar]

hmm additional information does shed a bit more light.. but still it is a uphill task to get her back. .. Let me explain my reasoning..

Two ways to see why she left you..

Possible Reason 1 : she is materialistic (like $_$)
If that is the case, show her the door and thank her nicely for showing you the light. If you get the HDB and everything , it is going to be much more troublesome. Get a woman who will love you not your wallet.

Possible reason 2 : Approaches to outlook in life had change. She wants something but you want something else in life.

In this case, there is a different in sync.. hard to overcome. Seen it happen a few times, when a couple started out, they may have similar expectation/ approach in life. Both might be happy being carefree or ambitionous in life or one might be happy being a tai tai and one works hard in his career. this is sort of a mutual understanding... But somewhere along the way, the outlook changed. One might been cheoooonging ahead in career while the other one is just happy to sit in wherever they are. Usually that is not a problem if the guy is CHEEONGing in career .. but flip it the other way round, the woman might feel that the guy is not working together to achieve her dreams.

My cousin is a real life example. Initially, her husband and her get married and they are at similar income level/position in life. Then they vowed to work hard to give the best for the family. End up? only my cousin cheoong hard while the husband is content to be where he was. My cousin tried to be supportive and get the guy to upgrade and realign together.. but still the guy become depressed and mope around... shortly after, they split up and now she also find another guy..

Materialistic? by some defination I guess, but to me i will say that if what we want in life is different, we may as well split up.. I want someone who can walk together with me,not 10 steps behind me..

*note, i am not saying they must always be ambitious or carefree together. But at the start of the relationship, the way they approach career and life should have partially defined their relationship. Once the expectation change, who can really blame each other for letting go of the relationship.

 

[xinku]

Hi Opal,

Thank you so much for posting.

I am picking up and she can see it too. Is she using the past to justify her action now as too to be decisive and not regret in the future? For now i am not sure the new man in her life is really her new man as what i have is only FB pics or am i trying not to face the fact? If i will to ask her the answers be it true or lies i still have doubts abt her. How can i at the moment now get the answers does she still love me? Any ideas? Should i try to win her back or divorce? I am sorry but i cannot get a answer for myself to push myself to win her back i need help as i really dun wan to end but there is no push factors i can come up to push myself forward. I am such a losser.

 

[texasholdem]

u cant accept the fact that it's over. face it like a man dude. y linger around a lone flower? there are still many flowers out there

 

[xinku]

Hi Opal,

*Add on to reason 2 - I am still looking forward to getting our own flat and climbing up the ladder in life getting a bigger car and have kids. I tink she is looking for the same but more like owning business, retire early and she want it fast so she can retire early. Which in my opinions can be done but take times and lots luck.

 

[xinku]

Hi TPX,

Is not easy as it happened to me like very sudden the day she left we had no argument before hand and when i think back of all the 5 years of happyness and sadness is not always easy to let go.

 

[gabelle80]

Hi Xin ku,

You are not a loser. Its never easy to let go. Whether she loves you or not, this is not the question. Its about yourself, take time to settle your emotions before coming to a decision. Like what you said, if you win her back you will still have doubts. I do agree with Opal on reason no. 2

 

[xinku]

Hi Michelle,

I like to ask why do you think is reason 2?

 

[renerene]

Why do you keep asking others whether you should try to win back your wife back when you already admitted you can't even find the motivation to do so? You said you love your wife, you don't want things to end yet you need strangers to motivate you and push you into action? Don't you find it... DUH? =_="'

You claimed that you are making a comeback but the way you write reveals that you are still demoralized, negative, unmotivated and lazy... and these are very unattractive traits, especially to young and driven ladies. Do you think you are in a position to win her back?

The impression I get is your so-called "contentment" is just an excuse for your loss of drive and you are subtly painting your wife as a materialistic woman to justify your inaction now so as feel less guilt in the future.

 

[opalstar]

"Add on to reason 2 - I am still looking forward to getting our own flat and climbing up the ladder in life getting a bigger car and have kids. I tink she is looking for the same but more like owning business, retire early and she want it fast so she can retire early. Which in my opinions can be done but take times and lots luck."

Why I feel it might be more of option 2 than 1 is that, you have

Precisely what I mean by reason 2. .

You think that getting a big car, kids and a flat is the next thing on the ladder. She wants her own business and have a quality early retirement by XX date.. She wants to CHEEONNNGG ah ...and get it done fast.. while she is young, you on the other hand, feel that it is a matter of timing and luck?

There is no such thing as luck.. if she wants to achieve her dreams, she have to slog for it and need someone to support her.. To have someone who have a different take on life achievements.... mmm can be a little damping.

Why I personally felt that it is more of option 2 is that she has stuck by you through rough spots (1/2 year without work plus 2 job changes).. if she is materialistic and a gold digger, she would have left you long before that...

Prob the lack of motivation , tendency to wallow in negative thoughts and drive to get things done is what depress her.. and eventually cause the split.

I will suggest a final attempt to go to counseling with her. If it still does not work out, just set both of you free. Slowly rebuild your confidence and get someone who walks at the same pace as you in life..

Out of curiosity.. when you say counsellor.. What type of counsellor? those marriage counsellor or priest or social worker?

 

[gabelle80]

Hi Xin Ku,

Reason is simple...been there done that....

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

No point to hold on to smthg tat is not meant to be. Diff directions, needs n wants in life. Open ur heart to let go, so tat u can give urself a new start in life.

Hmm, u are in ur late 20s n u earn $4k+. Sounds comfortable to me. But based on the things u say, u do sound like some1 who is easily contented n doesnt have much drive n ambition. Its not wrong, just tat it may not be compatible or helpful for ur wife. U do not value add to her. Neither is she happy w u. So it may be better to let go.

 

[lovingyou]

"But does it matters at all? I am at a lost i loved her a lot how can i win her back and forget all this or i should just let this hurt and pain for awhile and i will recover maybe in a year?"
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Personally, I think a man should know what he wants in life, be it his career or love. Indecisveness gets one nowhere. I doubt if you realli understand the meaning of love though you claimed that you love your wife a lot.

"has high hopes and aims to achieve more and i am more of a contented person. I cannot gave her instant result as i am starting to pick up where i left off 2 years ago to achieve better in terms of $$$ wise and aims"
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Care to elaborate where u left off 2 yrs back and why is there a need to pick up from there whereby you should move on from the present?

"I am sorry but i cannot get a answer for myself to push myself to win her back i need help as i really dun wan to end but there is no push factors i can come up to push myself forward. I am such a losser. "
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If you can't even get urself to move on or forward, how do you want us to help you? How can one help someone who doesn't help himself?

 

[powder]

xin ku,

think u've gone past the threshold for the amount of time she has given u... in general, most ladies are patient when waiting for their guys to change or compromise... in fact some give too much time. but how much time is too much time?

when u have gone past the threshold... hearts die, hopes are dashed, pple give up... u need ALOT to revive that faith.

in your case, she has found it in another guy, or with the new breed of guys she's meeting... u can't fault her for that becos it's what she wants in guys... it's attractive, so to speak.

for a lady to change her heart, it's way tougher than for a guy... cos we're more physical and visual. so seriously if u have lost it... dun go fretting over it and asking whether u should do this do that...

the simple fact remains that the guys she likes Now... probably Already Doing THAT... which u are still wondering to do or not.

this is what makes u no longer a viable option. u only think of being that guy, u are Not that guy... as long as u still think of action. u are Not the action.

 

[nichie]

er….xin ku….may be I should call you xing yun（幸è¿ï¼‰â€¦if a marriage and love can die within 2 years just because you are temporary having problem in your career, then, its better to let her go and start a new life…its a blessing in disguise…how are you going to expect her to support you when you are faced with greater crisis in life in the future even she agreed to return to you….can you have faith in her in time of need? So much for ‘in sickness and in health’…..she cant even give you more time to establish yourself again..she is that type åªèƒ½å…±å¯Œè´µï¼Œä¸èƒ½å…±æ‚£éš¾â€¦its only good to understand her true character early…being contented is not a fault of yours but you need find the right girl to match.

 

[carlislesg]

It sounds like your wife is willing to file a divorce, so just let her go. Open your arms and release her and find your own way.