Have you ever wished your spouse dead?

Deathbecomesme

New Member
I have. Plenty of times. Initially, I felt quite guilty having such mean thoughts but as time grows by and the mental, verbal and physical torture grows, the guilt gets lesser and lesser while the thoughts become more pronounced to the point I wished my spouse getting knocked down or gets a terminal disease.

Yes, it is really "bad" and I know it is wrong to wish such things on a human especially on one who happens to be your spouse but sometimes, it just comes up especially at the peak of those mad quarrels and fights. Anyone else have the same thoughts before or am I just a really mean and evil person?

I know, some may say if so unhappy, why not just get a divorce but after a certain stage of life especially with young kids, things are not so simple as just packing a bag and leaving and especially when the other person gives you an incredibly hard time every time you mention divorce. I put on a show of false happiness with my spouse every other day such that I think suffering spouses like myself deserve an Academy Award and if you do like wise like me, kudos to you as I know it is not easy.
 


I would encourage you to talk to your spouse. Avoidance > stonewalling > Indifference > resentment > hate

You can express how you feel deep inside.

Mentally entertaining wishing those thoughts does not a murderer make but if you hatch a plan ......

Marriage is never a bed of roses, it takes commitment and work to make a relationship work.

I draw the line at abuse - whether physical or mental, there is absolutely no excuse but what has he done in terms of those abuse?
 
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bananahannah

New Member
True, marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. You can choose to do something to save the relationship and commit to doing it.
 

Deathbecomesme

New Member
I would encourage you to talk to your spouse. Avoidance > stonewalling > Indifference > resentment > hate

You can express how you feel deep inside.

Mentally entertaining wishing those thoughts does not a murderer make but if you hatch a plan ......

Marriage is never a bed of roses, it takes commitment and work to make a relationship work.

I draw the line at abuse - whether physical or mental, there is absolutely no excuse but what has he done in terms of those abuse?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, talking it out is always good but only if both parties are willing to listen. When your spouse refuses to listen or acknowledge any wrongdoing, this method is unfortunately not feasible.

The abuse is like a vicious cycle. During a heated quarrel, an arm or leg may be used. Screaming and shouting is acceptable in a quarrel to me but certainly not anything physical. I have begged for ages to this to be stopped but it keeps repeating itself. After the quarrel, my spouse will go into a nice and calm phase which I somehow suspect is a bit of a guilty phase as well...until the next heated quarrel happens.

I wanted to leave many times but it is really not as simple as just breaking up like a young couple or just packing a luggage and disappearing off for good.

I would like to share a piece of advice as well to others...don't marry a bad tempered/impatient/short fused/irritable type of person as you will highly likely regret it. Add some alcohol to the equation and this person can become your worst nightmare. 9 out 10 times a leopard will not change its spots and you and your children (if any) will only suffer in the end.
 
Your last bit of advice applies to anyone hoping to change a gambler, womanizer, alcoholic, serial liar by marrying them.

Anyone should already know and do their own due diligence before signing on a marriage contract.

Your husband did not change but your expectations did.
 

newproject

Active Member
In yoda voice

"Avoidance leads to stonewalling,

stonewalling leads to indifference,

Indifference leads to resentment,

resentment leads to hate and

hate leads to SUFFERING... "
I would encourage you to talk to your spouse. Avoidance > stonewalling > Indifference > resentment > hate

You can express how you feel deep inside.

Mentally entertaining wishing those thoughts does not a murderer make but if you hatch a plan ......

Marriage is never a bed of roses, it takes commitment and work to make a relationship work.

I draw the line at abuse - whether physical or mental, there is absolutely no excuse but what has he done in terms of those abuse?
 
In yoda voice

"Avoidance leads to stonewalling,

stonewalling leads to indifference,

Indifference leads to resentment,

resentment leads to hate and

hate leads to SUFFERING... "
Ohmytoufu .... mountain vege .... mountain vege .... *tok tok tok tok tok*


Acceptance is key .... not compromise ....
 

MyENV

New Member
Thank you for your reply. Yes, talking it out is always good but only if both parties are willing to listen. When your spouse refuses to listen or acknowledge any wrongdoing, this method is unfortunately not feasible.

The abuse is like a vicious cycle. During a heated quarrel, an arm or leg may be used. Screaming and shouting is acceptable in a quarrel to me but certainly not anything physical. I have begged for ages to this to be stopped but it keeps repeating itself. After the quarrel, my spouse will go into a nice and calm phase which I somehow suspect is a bit of a guilty phase as well...until the next heated quarrel happens.

I wanted to leave many times but it is really not as simple as just breaking up like a young couple or just packing a luggage and disappearing off for good.

I would like to share a piece of advice as well to others...don't marry a bad tempered/impatient/short fused/irritable type of person as you will highly likely regret it. Add some alcohol to the equation and this person can become your worst nightmare. 9 out 10 times a leopard will not change its spots and you and your children (if any) will only suffer in the end.

You are in an abusive marriage and you have reached the stage you wished your spouse dead. This is a strong sign that your marriage is already over. My suggestion for you is to list out the pros and cons to STAY or GO in this abusive marriage where your kids are involved. Think logically and hope you make a wise decision for your kids and yourself.

Read :
channelnewsasia.com
1) Commentary: Couples who stay in unhappy unions for the sake of children may end up harming them
2) The Big Read : Some men just don’t get it — more awareness but abuse of women in Singapore still a problem

aware.org.sg
Dealing with Family Violence

msf.gov.sg
Family Violence
 

kyanvilee

New Member
Despite for different reason, I felt like that right now. My husband was having an affair and he "came back" after got ditched, I'm in the middle of deciding let go and revenge or stay and forgive, honestly, death maybe even an more easier option.
 
Despite for different reason, I felt like that right now. My husband was having an affair and he "came back" after got ditched, I'm in the middle of deciding let go and revenge or stay and forgive, honestly, death maybe even an more easier option.
To heal you need to forgive - regardless as to whether you want this marriage or not.
 

newproject

Active Member
Er "let go and revenge", revenge how?

You let go shouldn't revenge lah.

Or you mean revenge and then let go
Despite for different reason, I felt like that right now. My husband was having an affair and he "came back" after got ditched, I'm in the middle of deciding let go and revenge or stay and forgive, honestly, death maybe even an more easier option.
 
"Revenge is a dish best served cold" but i don't mean it in a Machiavellian way :p

The best revenge is by living better and taking care of yourself instead of dwelling on the past
 

kyanvilee

New Member
Er "let go and revenge", revenge how?

You let go shouldn't revenge lah.

Or you mean revenge and then let go
Let go and revenge means agreed to sign the divorce paper. Then reported the pair at their work place for their behaviour. They are co-workers, which the mistress' fiance also a co-worker of theirs. So revenge is to get the mistress in trouble.
 

newproject

Active Member
Let go and revenge means agreed to sign the divorce paper. Then reported the pair at their work place for their behaviour. They are co-workers, which the mistress' fiance also a co-worker of theirs. So revenge is to get the mistress in trouble.

How does revenge help you?
 

maddyx

New Member
Not sure if I’m in the right position to say this because I didn’t have kids with my ex spouse, but being able to gather the courage to leave an abusive marriage was my best decision ever. It took me 3 years to finally decided and realised that this isn’t gonna work out. I’ve still got a long way to go in life.

I’ve left my marriage a year ago and I’m in such a better place now. Healthier mentally and physically. I hope you find strength too, and not let such abusive guy destroy us. Keep yourself sane and stay strong! Sending you lots of hugs!
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Thank you for your reply. Yes, talking it out is always good but only if both parties are willing to listen. When your spouse refuses to listen or acknowledge any wrongdoing, this method is unfortunately not feasible.

The abuse is like a vicious cycle. During a heated quarrel, an arm or leg may be used. Screaming and shouting is acceptable in a quarrel to me but certainly not anything physical. I have begged for ages to this to be stopped but it keeps repeating itself. After the quarrel, my spouse will go into a nice and calm phase which I somehow suspect is a bit of a guilty phase as well...until the next heated quarrel happens.

I wanted to leave many times but it is really not as simple as just breaking up like a young couple or just packing a luggage and disappearing off for good.

I would like to share a piece of advice as well to others...don't marry a bad tempered/impatient/short fused/irritable type of person as you will highly likely regret it. Add some alcohol to the equation and this person can become your worst nightmare. 9 out 10 times a leopard will not change its spots and you and your children (if any) will only suffer in the end.


i totally understand you predicament. My spouse is abusive and quarrelsome. Not sure if yours has a medical condition like mine.
Bipolar is a great excuse. "it wasn't me, it was bipolar"
i been taking that for 18 yrs. my teenagers children are not spare, especially my son. he gets slap, punch and beaten up. i have had police knocking on my doors when my neighbors cant take it anymore and called the police in. Nothing have change and nothing will. someone have to die before anything will change. i wish i have a shortened life, but i need my children to be independent else they will suffer further. At times, many a times, i do wish my spouse will die prematurely, after all, that would probably give us the only chance to break away and live our like normal humans. Is peace too much a luxury to ask for ? we live in constant fight and anxiety. Everyday at home is like walking on egg shell, it only takes 1 second to have a war at home. The furthest i have been was to see a lawyer to draft out the paper but when my spouse beg to try again, i relented only for the vicious cycles to continue. i dreamt of breaking away when my children are grown up. but at times, i just gave up and awaiting my final redemption.
 
Very long ago, I was also in the same predicament as you. I am the guy who was abused by my ex-wife. A lot of times I feel that the media is always portraying that the guys are always the abuser. This is really unfair. Nowadays, women can be the abuser also. I was scratched and hit by her and I've got a scar on my right hand to prove this point. I also remembered exactly where is the spot that she inflicted the scar on me. At that time, I also wished that she is dead. Only when she is dead, would I get back my freedom. Those long enough in this forum would remember me.

Yes, at that time, I also wished she is dead but it never happens. Instead of looking forward to coming home after a hard day of work, I felt frightened. I don't know what would happen when I stepped into the house. It went on every single day. I finally took the courage to initiate divorce and I felt this is the best decision I had made and the best way forward for my mental and my ex-wife well-being. Time would continue to run. Nothing would change if you don't take the first step.
 

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