Happily Married but develop a crush ??
- Thread starter watsonpiggie
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chocolates
New Member
Just my 2 cents. If I were in that position, I'd continue to go out with my ex-co because if I don't, I'm just gonna feel deprived of a friendship and that kind of longing could lead to a mistake if the opportunity arises. BUT, before that, I'll be sure to correct my perception of this friend.
It has to be completely platonic and both parties need to understand that. You don't need to spell it out, it takes both hands to clap. In short, I find that avoiding something is a temporary solution and it will eventually get so uncomfortable to the point where damage is inevitable.
It has to be completely platonic and both parties need to understand that. You don't need to spell it out, it takes both hands to clap. In short, I find that avoiding something is a temporary solution and it will eventually get so uncomfortable to the point where damage is inevitable.
tomasulu
Member
I'm amazed you would flush your entire life down the poop chute over a fantasy. And not just yours but your child's and your husband's... not to mention the pain and shame you'll bring to both families. Your cavalier attitude towards your husband is another indictment of the person you're - shallow, selfish and unthinking. You are why Singaporean females get a bad rap. Sucks to be your husband.
Sam, I think the key issue u have here is u no longer look up to or respect ur hubby cos he doesn't have the drive in his career as compared to u. I think it's normal to be upfront abt it. Chances are he doesn't even sense ur dissatisfaction in the marriage. Ur crush for another maybe temporary and largely due to the fact that he has something u dun see in ur hubby. Must think carefully and weigh all options before u make further decisions. U dun want to have regrets in life and couldn't turn bk time.
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Hi denise,
Sam mentioned that she married her hubby because of his drive. He was earning more than her at that time.
But he is earning the same as her now and she feels unbalance because she wanted her hubby to be always earning more than her.
She wanted him to be more successful than the other guys she meets.
I think if her hubby is more successful than her Ex-colleague, she will not feel unbalance.
That is why I advise her to quit comparing because there is always someone better than you.
Comparing can be a positive force to push us farther, but we shouldn't take it too extreme.
Life will be miserable, always in a race, when to start enjoying your life a bit more?
Sam mentioned that she married her hubby because of his drive. He was earning more than her at that time.
But he is earning the same as her now and she feels unbalance because she wanted her hubby to be always earning more than her.
She wanted him to be more successful than the other guys she meets.
I think if her hubby is more successful than her Ex-colleague, she will not feel unbalance.
That is why I advise her to quit comparing because there is always someone better than you.
Comparing can be a positive force to push us farther, but we shouldn't take it too extreme.
Life will be miserable, always in a race, when to start enjoying your life a bit more?
watsonpiggie
New Member
cynthia
yes, I continued with another lunch date with ex colleague. No harm, not that its leading anywhere
Denise
I do look up to hub, he makes the major decisions in the family. investments, and big purchases. But I hope to drive him, be more ambitous. Time is running out.
ALbee.
Yes, I feel imbalance, in fact I will not share how much I earn in future. He knows what I earn now, but I won't tell him if I get any pay adjustment. I can't quit comparing, not so easy to do so.
yes, I continued with another lunch date with ex colleague. No harm, not that its leading anywhere
Denise
I do look up to hub, he makes the major decisions in the family. investments, and big purchases. But I hope to drive him, be more ambitous. Time is running out.
ALbee.
Yes, I feel imbalance, in fact I will not share how much I earn in future. He knows what I earn now, but I won't tell him if I get any pay adjustment. I can't quit comparing, not so easy to do so.
watsonpiggie
New Member
to add
Don't think ex colleague is the major factory here. I guess I am just bored with the routine married life, coupled with the expectations I have of my hub. I did not communicate my expectations to hub, so further add to my dilemma.
Don't think ex colleague is the major factory here. I guess I am just bored with the routine married life, coupled with the expectations I have of my hub. I did not communicate my expectations to hub, so further add to my dilemma.
watsonpiggie
New Member
I did not communicate to hub about this. I meant time running out cos at his age, he has only less than a decade of "peak" years left.
I don't think he can advance much further over 45. He is now late 30s. So he only has this short time window to advance, not to VP, but to the best he can be.
I don't think he can advance much further over 45. He is now late 30s. So he only has this short time window to advance, not to VP, but to the best he can be.
infojunkie
Active Member
that's YOUR idea of 'the best' he can be...
not his.
not his.
Hi Sam
Why do you need your husband to be more ambitious in the first place? The family needs more money? Good to have a guy who is in a higher position to look up to? Trying to match his status and earning powers against yours, your friend or your boss? Or is it just to fulfill your expectations of him and the life you visioned? You sounded like he is earning enough but you just want him to earn more?
Why do you need your husband to be more ambitious in the first place? The family needs more money? Good to have a guy who is in a higher position to look up to? Trying to match his status and earning powers against yours, your friend or your boss? Or is it just to fulfill your expectations of him and the life you visioned? You sounded like he is earning enough but you just want him to earn more?
What is the best he can be? He is not even your son. Even if he is your son, you cannot impose your vision upon him. Everyone is different.
Of course guys has to be more career minded - earn more money, climb the corporate ladder, afford better things in life - these are all we are chasing after. But everyone is different. Talk to him. Temper your expectation. His needs and what he wants is equally important.
Of course guys has to be more career minded - earn more money, climb the corporate ladder, afford better things in life - these are all we are chasing after. But everyone is different. Talk to him. Temper your expectation. His needs and what he wants is equally important.
watsonpiggie
New Member
he complains we have not enough to spend, and complains he is not paid enough, so I hinted to him to advance. I did not demand he should. I don't really compare him to my friends or boss.
I do however, compare what he does and what I feel he should be paid.
Right now I believe he is not paid enough for what he does. We are in similiar lines.
I do however, compare what he does and what I feel he should be paid.
Right now I believe he is not paid enough for what he does. We are in similiar lines.
watsonpiggie
New Member
mayb i was not clear enough, I do not impose my ideas to hub, I do not tell him he don't earn enough. I merely feel so, I don't communicate these expectations to him, I don't want to de moralise his spirits
infojunkie
Active Member
and now we hv a new twist...
re-read everything u had posted will u?
and tell us what exactly r u thinking of?
re-read everything u had posted will u?
and tell us what exactly r u thinking of?
infojunkie
Active Member
yeah, it's all abt being flighty and spacey
- the very essence of 花痴病...
- the very essence of 花痴病...
arsenal_84
Member
somehow i feel that TS is merely discussing about her push factors at the moment.
when the push effect eventually becomes stronger...perhaps that's when all boundaries are gone.
when the push effect eventually becomes stronger...perhaps that's when all boundaries are gone.
This is what i read from the response by TS,
"In regards to the possible fling, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
"In regards to looking up to husband, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
"In regards to wanting to encourage husband to be more ambitious, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
"In regards to the possible fling, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
"In regards to looking up to husband, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
"In regards to wanting to encourage husband to be more ambitious, it is a yes and a no, then a yes follow by a no then a yes again follow by a no."
watsonpiggie
New Member
if I was so clear as to what I am feeling, I guess I won't use a forum to talk about it.. duhh
miloice
Well-Known Member
Hi Sam, after taking about. What has changed? Are you any surer about what you have been lamenting about your husband and what really need or want? Do you have any plan or intention to pursue your needs ?
Or does it give you a reality check about your feelings and thoughts?
Its easy to talk and lament about things. But nothing is changed if we do not empower ourselves to discover and invoke the changes that we really believe in it.
No one achieve in what they want by simply thinking or taking about it.
Or does it give you a reality check about your feelings and thoughts?
Its easy to talk and lament about things. But nothing is changed if we do not empower ourselves to discover and invoke the changes that we really believe in it.
No one achieve in what they want by simply thinking or taking about it.
infojunkie
Active Member
watson,
hvn't u wasted enuf time oredi?
one and a half year ruminating abt something so frivolous?
seriously, think deeper than what u're thinking now or learn it the hard way.
hvn't u wasted enuf time oredi?
one and a half year ruminating abt something so frivolous?
seriously, think deeper than what u're thinking now or learn it the hard way.
To be fair to you, we can really feel what are you feeling right now hence our response are heading that way. Pointing out to you that you are talking and responding to yourself. Using the forum in that way will not help you.
But please come back when you want to listen and streamline your thoughts. I am sure the forummers will have valuable suggestions for you.
But please come back when you want to listen and streamline your thoughts. I am sure the forummers will have valuable suggestions for you.
clearskies
New Member
You said you're happily married to your husband, you have a kid and you have no issues with your in-laws. It sounds like your marriage is doing well. But you also said you're in a "precarious situation". Why's that? Do you foresee yourself leaving your husband and kid for your ex-colleague?
watsonpiggie
New Member
MIlo & Junkie & Lee,
Yup, you are right. So frivolous, though no effort or wasted time on my part. I guess I need to find other stuff to focus on. New course, study.
Daisy
I do not feel the same way about Hub anymore. I know why I married Hub, but the same reasons are not there any more
I won't leave my family, I am unsure if hub will leave me if he knows I feel this way.
Yup, you are right. So frivolous, though no effort or wasted time on my part. I guess I need to find other stuff to focus on. New course, study.
Daisy
I do not feel the same way about Hub anymore. I know why I married Hub, but the same reasons are not there any more
I won't leave my family, I am unsure if hub will leave me if he knows I feel this way.
watsonpiggie
New Member
bride
Precarious, because I have many chances to do on dates with my colleagues, feelings grow after time
Precarious, because I have many chances to do on dates with my colleagues, feelings grow after time
Feeling bored. Feeling interested. Feeling blah. Feeling excited. Feeling dull. Feeling romantic.
Feelings DO change - for better or for worse. But if you're emotionally mature enough, you would have married your husband because you made the decision to love him - for better or for worse. Not just because of the feel for the moment.
Care, concern and love for friends and colleagues are normal especially if you spend more time with them. If I felt so emotionally attached to them, does that mean that I have to get into a romantic relationship with all of them?
If you can be so driven to work on your career and in building a friendship with your ex-VP, I'm sure that you can be as driven to work on your marriage and family.
Feelings DO change - for better or for worse. But if you're emotionally mature enough, you would have married your husband because you made the decision to love him - for better or for worse. Not just because of the feel for the moment.
Care, concern and love for friends and colleagues are normal especially if you spend more time with them. If I felt so emotionally attached to them, does that mean that I have to get into a romantic relationship with all of them?
If you can be so driven to work on your career and in building a friendship with your ex-VP, I'm sure that you can be as driven to work on your marriage and family.
u said u wont leave ur family ..
why wont u leave ?
the reason keeping u may be the part of the hidden feelings inside u that make u want this family and that u actually still love ur hubby like before , its just that u had a sudden new feelings with another person and still dont know how to difference it as love or just like ..
why wont u leave ?
the reason keeping u may be the part of the hidden feelings inside u that make u want this family and that u actually still love ur hubby like before , its just that u had a sudden new feelings with another person and still dont know how to difference it as love or just like ..
arsenal_84
Member
i always believe that there are laws of nature that have serious consequences should you try to go against them.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Let's not assume that everyone remaining in a marriage for love. Fact is, many married couples are in loveless marriages. Some married for the wrong reasons, others make no efforts to sustain it or expect things to remain that way by itself. And many others, are clueless why the sparks died down. Many of us can identify with how familiar it is for one to feel so comfortable and used to our partners after years of marriage. So much in the comfort zone that its no longer the same kind of passion as before.
In reality, it need not be the same either. The companionship and love can grow beyond that. Less intense but not necessary less passionate. Our partner can become so much a part of us that We don't think much about pampering each other. We hardly spend effort and time to appreciate various part of ourselves. With our spouses, its the same. It has become like a hand or limb to us. We need them to function but at the same time do not even appreciate it. We expect it to just be within our lives, we will take it for granted. Let's be very aware of this natural tendency. At the same time be reminded, our spouse is another human with emotions and unique needs.
It takes 2 to tango.
In reality, it need not be the same either. The companionship and love can grow beyond that. Less intense but not necessary less passionate. Our partner can become so much a part of us that We don't think much about pampering each other. We hardly spend effort and time to appreciate various part of ourselves. With our spouses, its the same. It has become like a hand or limb to us. We need them to function but at the same time do not even appreciate it. We expect it to just be within our lives, we will take it for granted. Let's be very aware of this natural tendency. At the same time be reminded, our spouse is another human with emotions and unique needs.
It takes 2 to tango.
