Happily Married but develop a crush ??

[watsonpiggie]

Help!? AM confused by a crush I develop over a colleague.
Is this normal?

I am happily married, over 5years, with a kid.
Husband is nice to me, no issues with in laws.

Was hoping this is just a phase, but this crush persisted for over 1 yr and even after I left the co, was recently reignited with a lunch date we had.

Bleah... feel so guilty.. am I the only one here so "fa hua chi"?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Do you feel bored with your husband?

 

[watsonpiggie]

ya, I think so. 5 yrs not a long time, but prob no sparks.. tats what my buddy told me. But still.. this crush (feeling) is bugging me and fueling my shopping addiction.

Am in a new job, and busier than before, still entertaining such thoughts.. must be sick in my mind.

 

[miloice]

humams are emotional. Marital status doesn't change that. We handle crushes pretty much the same before or after marriages. Only difference is, we are aware and bounded by our commitments and responsibilities.

 

[sgbabydoll]

It means you may not be that happily married after all though by conventional standards it is a happy marriage.

Instead of asking yourself incessantly why you have developed a crush on a colleague, I suggest you look within your own marriage particularly the emotional connection.

 

[watsonpiggie]

in a precarious situation here, am still relatively close to this colleague and having left the co, he asked me out on a lunch date recently

he is also married with kids, I presume happily married.

lately he has been messenging me frequently as we work near each other.
I know what you guys will say.. stop all communications so as not to feed this, lest it grows to an extramarital affair..

But I can't help myself to reply his msgs, and though i don't make attempts to ask him out myself, somehow I am hoping he will ask me out again. Today I lunched alone as my lunch kakis were OOO, was tempted to ask ex colleague out, but resisted and lunched alone.

My buddy told me to share this with my husband, tell hub that I am losing passion and need to do something. Esle this will drag on and one day I may just start something out of boredom. But this is suicidal, can't imagine what will be hub's reaction. He is pretty sweet to me, and I am hoping he has the same problem as me, so I don't feel so guilty.

 

[watsonpiggie]

resorted to imagining ex colleague in unfavourable light, such as nose hair sticking out, bad tempers to discourage myself from thinking bout him.

 

[littledd]

What's up, Sam?!

You never know how you really feel for and about a person until you start living with that person - habits and living standards come up. Just like how before you married your husband, the courtship phrase was innocently exciting - you'd be waiting for his messages, calls and all that. Just like what is happening to you and your feelings towards your ex-colleague. You get excited whenever the phone beeps or find yourself staring at the phone every 2 minutes checking for his messages. But do you really know what it's like living with this person? Maybe he doesn't flush the toilet after he's done? Or does things which would annoy you? Don't bother about the dishes or whatever it is?

It's hard to turn away from eye candies. Then again, they'll just remain as eye candies. Don't take your husband for granted over an eye candy. You mentioned your husband is nice to you. He is nice to you despite your habits (which your ex collegue may not accept if he was your boyfriend), so please, treasure what you have.

Let this passing phrase die off and yes, decline any invitation to go out - this only makes it worse.

You are married, period.

 

[luzon888]

Maybe he's bored with his own relationship and just want to flirt around. At the end of the day, he will still go back to his own family when he got his fill.

Go for a 2nd honeymoon and rekindle your relationship with your husband.

 

[watsonpiggie]

yes, so I am imagining he has some disgusting habits which I can't stand so I can stop this short term infatuation I have. But its been dragging on for over a yr, and don't look like it will stop.

I m no longer excited when my hub calls, sometimes I don't bother to take the call, like when I am driving or busy.. simply no passion, no interest. Feels like I am staying with a friend, and we are sharing assets. Kids/house

 

[watsonpiggie]

I go for many holidays and dates with my hub, but just feels like I am going out with a friend.
we do still hold hands and go for dates, movies nice dinners. We take time out to date, without bringing the kids.
yet here I am fantasizing over a possible fling.

just comes to show, even couples who look to be in love, have these problems. They don't show up on the surface.

My hub is pressing me for another kid, and I simply do not want to have one for fear of

1. growing fat, looking ugly when I am preg
2. Don't love hb enough to commit to having another kid and simply feeling shortchanged when I am not. Hub loves me, but I will feel lousy just having a kid to keep my interest going.

 

[watsonpiggie]

to add some irony here, ex colleague is much older than my hub. Not good looking

am so used to hub at home, there is no mystery. Hub changes in front of me, he feels totally comfortable with using the toilet, changing, bathing even when I am in the same room. Just getting too comfortable between each other.

Is this normal, a couple getting so used to each other that either shit/bath/walk around naked without a care in the world. My galfriends don't do this with their partners, to retain some sort of privacy.

 

[luzon888]

You are so fortunate to have a loving husband, he really love you alot. Start a new hobby or go work-out if you have plenty of time, it'll keep you busy for the time being till your crush has subsided.

Most of the married couples don't even have their own private time after they have children. That's why I feel that you are very fortunate that you still go on dates and dinners with your husband minus the child.

I don't agree to having a 2nd kid in order to keep the relationship going.

 

[watsonpiggie]

Hi Luzon,
I am doing all I can to keep myself busy

I go for a few workout sessions a wk, no new hobby unless you count shopping.

am busier at work with many overtimes and conf calls at night.
Yes I am fortunate for my family arrangements to be able to still have so much "me" time. I don't want to have 2nd kid, but what kind of reason to give hub? That I am not so much in love now, don't wish to bear him a 2nd one. Beat it

 

[ahyip]

My buddy told me to share this with my husband, tell hub that I am losing passion and need to do something. Esle this will drag on and one day I may just start something out of boredom. But this is suicidal, can't imagine what will be hub's reaction.

Just keep imagining your hubby reaction when he found out, the consequences ect. I'm sure it will be more useful then imagining ur ex-col disgusting habits.

It seems like u r too comfortable with ur current life and want some excitement. But this excitement u're seeking has a high price to pay. Are u willing to pay the price?

 

[miloice]

Sam, talk to your husband. Sparks can be rekindled when one is more aware. Women likes attention from their partners, you guys probably are so much in the comfort zone till you started taking each other for granted. He probably grew insensitive to your needs. You cannot sit there and expect things to change. Motivate him to be attentive and loving once again. Relationship is 2 way.

 

[watsonpiggie]

how to motivate? I told him if he wants 2nd one, I need to be wooed.. nice holiday, romantic type mayb a made in europe bb will happen.

He pushed off my request saying it cannot happen , budget and time constraints. I do not have much leave to take

I tell him nicely to buck up, he don't listen, do I have to do it the hard way?

 

[watsonpiggie]

to add, I am attracted to type A personalities, it does not help that my Hub is drawing the same salary as me despite the age gap. I am younger.

I am old girl mentality, my partner should be earning and achieving more than the wife. If one day should I overtake him I may look down on him, and things would get worst.

YES, I am shallow, flaming expected

 

[miloice]

Sam, intimacy doesn't need to be expensive, it doesn't need a lot of time. It just needs some form of connection and affection. You are not shallow, the issue you have is all so human. We are humans.

The person's worth isn't just his career. No one can guarantee success throughout. Just because you have been successful doesn't become a fault of your spouse right? See beyond the terms of just the pay cheque. Being critical about their lack of drive is different from making comparisons with yourself. Which is your scenario?

If you don't address your issue in your marriage, it can happen in every other relationship as well. Moving on with someone else new will not fix it. Initially attraction is completely natural. So, you will keep finding new people that you would be attracted to, it will not teach you how to sustain your relationship. The intensity will die off still.

Seems its not happily married as you initially mentioned. Do you empower yourself to invoke reflection and changes or see it as hopeless and no way to improve?

 

[watsonpiggie]

scenario is lack of drive. Im unsure if I unconsiously compared him to myself.

Hub is doing so so in his career, not exactly moving up or as fast as I hope.

Ex Colleague I admired is a VP. so I wonder if its just a character attraction. I am not attracted to better looking colleagues I work with though.

 

[miloice]

are you attracted by his success and authority? Personally, I do not see that need for everyone to take on the same path. The management on the top has limited space, if every woman need a man up there, feasible or not?

Anyway, think about financial freedom. Earning passively instead. A spouse with more flexible would be more suited your needs frankly.

 

[infojunkie]

a year has gone by and u're still wondering?

well some things will never change...

play it again, sam

 

[simpleman]

YOu can either:

1. Tell you hb.

2. Or tell your ex-colleague.

3. Or shut up and continue to "fa hua chi"?
And see how things will move... but be prepared.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Ｉｆ　ｙï½ï½•ï½’　ｅｘï¼ï¼£ï¼¥ï¼¯ã€€ï½—ｅｒｅ　ｔï½ã€€ï½ï½ï½™ã€€ï½™ï½ï½•ã€€ï½“ï½ï½…ｃｉï½ï½Œã€€ï½ï½”ｔｅｎｔｉï½ï½Žã€€ï½Œï½‰ï½‹ï½…　ｙï½ï½•ï½’　ｅｘ　ＶＰ　ｃï½ï½Œï½Œï½…ï½ï½‡ï½•ï½…　ｄｉｄ，　ｙï½ï½•ã€€ï½Šï½•ï½“ｔ　ï½ï½‰ï½‡ï½ˆï½”　ｆｉｎｄ　ｙï½ï½•ï½’ｓｅｌｆ　ｃｒｕｓｈｉｎｇ　ï½ï½Žã€€ï½”ｈｅ　ＣＥＯ　ｉｎｓｔｅï½ï½„．　Ｗｈï½ï½”　ｄï½ï½…ｓ　ｉｔ　ｓï½ï½™ã€€ï½ï½‚ï½ï½•ï½”　ｙï½ï½•ï¼Ÿã€€ï¼©ï½”　ï½ï½ï½™ã€€ï½Žï½ï½”　ｈï½ï½–ｅ　ï½ï½Žï½™ï½”ｈｉｎｇ　ｔï½ã€€ï½„ï½ã€€ï½—ｉｔｈ　ï½ã€€ã€€ï½ï½ï½’ｔｉｃｕｌï½ï½’　ï½ï½ï½Žã€€ï½‚ｕｔ　ｔｈｅ　ｉｄｅï½ã€€ï½ï½†ã€€ï½‚ｅｉｎｇ　ｗｉｔｈ　ï½ã€€ï½“ｕｃｃｅｓｓｆｕｌ　ï½ï½ï½Žï¼Ž

Ｉｔ　ｉｓ　ｎï½ï½”　ｗｒï½ï½Žï½‡ã€€ï½”ï½ã€€ï½—ï½ï½Žï½”　ｔï½ã€€ï½‚ｅ　ｗｉｔｈ　ï½ã€€ï½“ｕｃｃｅｓｓｆｕｌ　or powerful ï½ï½ï½Žï¼Žã€€I think women are wired that way genetically. Ｈï½ï½—ｅｖｅｒ，　ｙï½ï½•ã€€ï½Žï½…ｅｄ　ｔï½ã€€ï½”ï½ï½‹ï½…　ｓï½ï½ï½…　ｒｅｓï½ï½ï½Žï½“ｉｂｉｌｉｔｙ　ｆï½ï½’　ｎï½ï½”　ｃｈï½ï½ï½“ｉｎｇ　＂ｒｉｇｈｔ＂　before your marriage took place ï½ï½’　for ｎï½ï½”　ｆï½ï½’ｅｓｅｅｉｎｇ to be hit by incompatibility.

You either adjust your expectation of your husband or address the incompatibility. You can even choose to bow out of the marriage. Whining or daydreaming is not a solution.

 

[watsonpiggie]

yup junkie.., drag on over 1 yr, still not over ..drats!

keeping myself occupied with my new job, and good thing I have a competitive partner to keep me going. Esle my mind will wander. Now focusing on looking better than my partner (work wise)

 

[watsonpiggie]

am trying to adjust my expectations, I tell myself every other day how lucky I am, and after reading the sad stories here, I feel luckier.

Maybe one day I will be a sad story myself, for now I am focusing on all aspects except my marriage. Spend more time with my kids and work. Just trying to be more productive in all sense, rather than daydream what would have been.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"am trying to adjust my expectations, I tell myself every other day how lucky I am, and after reading the sad stories here, I feel luckier."

You are simply kidding yourself doing this. No point telling yourself you are in big luck when you don't feel happy about this luck.

 

[infojunkie]

i still think it has less to do with the crush... u're simply too bored with ur life.

well try reinventing urself... it might help

 

[miloice]

The issue is beyond this crush, its an unfulfilled fantasy and need within. You need to rationalize and get over that internally. Else, it would be someone else new and u will be troubled once again.

Also, the void emotionally in your marriage, talk to your partner. Motivation works when one is enjoying it. So, u need to think how both of you can enjoy it, no one will come out inspired when their wives complained or nagged at them. So, get creative there. Be proactive and ask of him to be sponstaneous as well.

 

[babystorm]

Sam, you seem like me or perhaps the other way round? But the only difference is that I'm not married yet.

 

[arsenal_84]

the real power in your life comes from choosing wisely, what you want in the first place.

 

[denise80]

All women prefer their men to be more successful than them and I'm like u, Sam. Often talk to my hubby abt his career advancement but it seems to me he has no drive. We would quarrel each time we discuss abt work. To me, he's also less intellectual etc. But hey everyone is different. I see other qualities in him and that's y we got married. At times I would feel the need for excitement too. He knows abt it but doesn't work on it too. After all, I feel that I still like that sense of familiarity. I would not fall for a crush and make a poor decision only to realise I still get along better with the former.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Attraction is impt, so is compatibility.

Not everyone can click with their CEOs.

Do you want to marry your CEO? You know the answer, don't you?

 

[watsonpiggie]

denise,
takes strength to still love your hub for who he is. I love my hub and married him because of his drive, coupled with many other stuff. Now we are peers, the feeling has somewhat diminish, I don't nag at him to advance. I tell him he don't earn enough . is this too upfront?

 

[watsonpiggie]

Junkie,
reinvent?, don't get this. I got a new job. Is this good enough?

ALbee,
There is attraction now, just a fling happening, not talking about marriage.

 

[watsonpiggie]

Milo.
I do not nag at my hub, period. Why I don't do this, cos I don't like to be nagged. My hub is rather naggy. (feels like the guy in this marriage)
I do tell him sometimes, he can do better , earn more looking at what he does. but he seems so conservative in this area. Other than that, he is fine. We get along alright. low passion cos everyday is just so routine.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Not everyone can click with their CEOs."

That's where individual priority comes in. If I put social status, power and money as my top criteria I will choose the CEO. Who cares about whether or not we click.

 

[infojunkie]

watson,

i think u need to stop dreaming the singapore dream...

it's unreal, boring and full of nothingness.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi sam,

I married my hubby not because of drive but because I feel most love and happy with him.

In fact, my hubby was the only employee among his friends(All become Bosses). So sometimes he felt like an odd one out.

I told him not to compare with his friends because it's never-ending. The most impt is to be happy in what you do, don't set a time frame and make yourself stress.

I never tell my hubby to do better and earn more.
Likewise, for my children, I never tell them to do better in their studies.

I always tell my hubby and children to have fun and be happy in your work and studies.
Naturally, they will feel inspire and do well.

May be you can give it a try and see if it works?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sam, what is non-routine for you?

 

[arsenal_84]

even if TS hubby had a career advancement, is she able to cope with the lesser time her hubby spent on her ?
life in sg is competitive to the point where you can't have both sides of the cake and still expect to have a perfect lifestyle unless your passive income is generating more returns than your active income.

sorry to say, i have read cases where women dump their men all because their guy is spending too much time on their career.
if a woman is unable to curb her straying thoughts, she will still stray eventually.
and in most cases, once a woman stray emotionally, there is no going back.
sorry, maybe i read too much sad cases in sbf already.

 

[miloice]

Sam, I'm not saying you nag at him. it was an answer to your question on how to motivate him, it has to be enjoyable. I have married for 7 yrs, known my wife for 10 yrs, it hasn't been boring personally for us.

Do things need to be routine? Its routine because we choose it to be. It take small efforts to break that cycle. Don't wait for that big vacation, it can be a simple breakfast or shopping together. Going for evening work, hitting the gym, do hobbies, cooking a meal, doing an album of your child, or simple watching a video streaming together on a computer. Basic activities where couple can enjoy winding down and having bonding time together.

When you don't do any of these, and ask how to motivate, its actually that obvious. We just don't stop and think about it. You need to be wooed, but its 2 way, no one will get wooed all the time, if they just sit there waiting. With someone new and fresh, the interest is naturally there. With a partner we are so comfortable and used to, we need different approaches. No need to look at the mirror daily to self talk. You don't need to be convinced, you just need to enjoy it more.

 

[miloice]

I've been given the offer to work in europe for a couple of years. Problem is my wife is earning similar to me. The relocation offer my company has isn't going to sufficient to compensate the 50% cut in our household earnings.

So, I'm kind of stuck myself. My wife is totally happy staying home. However, I do note she has been more needy since her pregnancy.

Thing is, I'm kind of unhappy with my team right now. Unchallenged and I'm not really enjoying working with my new boss. This is the 2nd time my ex boss is trying to pull me back. I have declined his previous offer and now this is an overseas role.

 

[simpleman]

Milo,

trying to find the link between your last posts and the issue here.. I old liao..

 

[watsonpiggie]

Hi Albee,
I don't think this way, how to tell my kids and hub so. I don't believe this le. SOrry, no offence. I am quite hard on myself, so I do make many comparisons.

Arsenal.
Yes, we are working towards passive income in later life. But this is not troubling me, with or without passive income.

Doll,
I don't know what is non routine, honestly not recall or can not remember what is non routine already.

 

[watsonpiggie]

Milo,
You wife is needy when preg. I am too. SO I do not want to be preg again. I hate this being needy.

 

[simpleman]

sam,

You seem to have a response to everything. and you seem to relish in "fa hua chi"... so what is stopping you. just go and have a fling.. but just need to know the consequences..

It is fun to have fun outside.. but there is always a price to pay for everything. It may be worth it.. or not worth it.. depends on the individual.

I am all for people to know what they want and seek out to achieve what they want and not what is the right thing to do. But in life, we have responsibilities especially if we have children - they place a certain amount on constraint on us.. otherwise, there should be nothing stopping you from doing what you want in your life. Nah. Not the hubby nor the parents. We live for ourselves (children aside) and I can understand perfectly why people don't want to have more children because they don't want to be so commmitted. Everyone is different and as long as you know what you are in for and be responsibile for your actions.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Sam,

Comparing is a tiring thing and never-ending because there will always be better people.

Take time to scroll in the garden, smell the flowers and enjoy your family time. Be content, be happy.

 

[miloice]

sm, the link? Not really there... just the discussion over career aspirations and progressions. Its difficult when the family is involved. We often lament and have a long wish lists but do not consider the costs involved.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I don't know what is non routine, honestly not recall or can not remember what is non routine already."

Just guessing here, did you marry your husband in a state of youth and underexposure? You sounded like you didn't know what you were exactly in for then.