Going once, twice..GONE! The mystery of a guy who vanished

nikeplus

New Member
Hi All,

I need some advice, especially from the guys. I was seeing this guy on a regular basis for the past 2 months until he disappear from my life.

We werent in a relationship and we met up almost everyday. We went on dinner and movie dates, do things like any other couples on the street. He was very attentive and caring towards me. He offered to pick me up from work/gym, he offered to pack lunch for me all the way from tuas to raffles place, he paid for my meals and drinks. I dare say he initiated 90% of the dates. During our 3rd week, I asked if he's interested in me because I wouldnt want to invest my emotions if he wasn't. His reply was "I want to know you further before I comment and commit". Fair enough. I thought I'll give him more time though I was frustrated, wondering where we were heading towards. Because he has been nothing but extremely sweet to me, I found myself falling for him.

He disappeared last Thurs. He avoided my calls and ignore my text messages. I traced back the events that led to this and i couldnt pinpoint anything. I understand that we arent in a relationship, he doesnt owe me any explanation. The least he could do is to give me a reason. Reason like he met another girl, reconcile with his ex, dont enjoy my company anymore, find my face revolting etc. Just dont get me the silent treatment.

My friend called him to give me a closure. This coward couldnt even talk to her. He even blocked me on MSN. What did i do wrong? I'm the victim yet he behaves like one.

Can anyone explain his sudden change in behaviour?
 


oneder

New Member
He dated you to get to know you better and seems to be a really nice guy.

But you pounced on him and urge him to seal the deal with you. Being unprepared, he choose to avoid you. But you didn't get the hint, continued to terrorise him and even call him a coward here. Even in your point of view, i think he is the victim here. (That is the things that you did wrong if you ask me)

So learn to relax and enjoy the feeling next time. If it leads to somewhere, it is good. If it doesn't, just enjoy the dates with the nice guys if you ever meet one again.
 

nikeplus

New Member
Dear Lee,

Before you jump into conclusion, I need to clarify that I asked him that question once during the 3rd week and never pursue it anymore. He continued to ask me out, meeting up to 5x per week. If I scared him off, he would have bolted during that 3rd week. Not 2 months later.

We are adults, behave like one. Running away doesnt solve the problem. Address it. If you get a summon from the traffic police, the offence will be stated. None was given to me. "Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail". If you get a missed call from your friend, would you return the call? I'm sure you would. So does that make me less than a friend? I can accept any reason, just not the silent treatment.
 

powder

Active Member
- he's married/attached and have been caught...

- he broke up during that period and u were the temp rebound.

- his parents object...

- he is heading overseas due to family migration, studies, career...

- he discovered something abt u that he cannot deal with... ie family, finances, no sex til after marriage, dun give blowjobs...

- his buddy is interested in pursuing u and asked him to back-off, which he agreed to...

- he got his awakening and realise there's a whole world out there to conquer, u are just 1 tree.

- he did something unlawful and is awaiting punishment/imprisonment.

etc etc.
 

oneder

New Member
Some things are better left unsaid. What do you expect to hear? It might be a closure for you but it might also be a closure to a potential relationship.

There are all sorts of reasons that he took one step back but leave all the options open. I dated my wife 7 years ago for a few months then suddenly we stopped. No reasons, no questions. We don't go after each other looking for an answer as to why it happened. Maybe we both need some time to think of what we really need in life. 3 years later we met up again and became a couple. Now we are happily married.

If we were to give a closure at that time even when we are only dating as friends, we might have lost the chance of being together again. Surely you wouldn't want a friend to go after you asking why you didn't want to date him anymore. That would have even spolit the friendship you might still have.
 

ariel84

New Member
Just let him be. There's no need to pursue an answer, it could really be anything or nothing. He will look for you again if he really wants.

I tend to think that he has either found someone new, or he has patched back with an ex. but that's just my opinion.
 

simpleman

Active Member
I can understand your frustration - that he totally did not tell you what is happening..

But this is life.. Sometimes you don't have to question. Just move on.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
More than 15 years ago an ex-bf (we were together for for a few months and a good part of the relationship was over long distance) vanished on me one day without so much of informing me, leaving me heartbroken. Took me a couple of months to realise that it wasn't important to know the reason, the fact that he had vanished remained. When the event was still fresh I used to think it was my fault that he ran away but of course I realised that he had problems too for such a behaviour, not just me.
 

cuclainne

New Member
happened to me too, many many years ago.. i think we dated for about 6 months and then all of the sudden, no contact - when i called his mobile phone, his mom answered and said he was not around. for the next few days, i did think about whether anything was amiss, did i do something wrong but after a month and still nothing, i just moved on .. i figured it was his loss and not mine!
happy.gif
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
By the way, try not to go out with a man at the frequency that you did - almost daily. It will make him think you are very free, you have no alternatives or you have no life outside him. You should lead a more balanced life.
 

susanna_low

New Member
I had the same experience before too, knew a guy who seem to be very into me for a month and suddenly he turned cold overnight.

He never really disappeared but just not as enthusiastic as before. However if no fate to be lovers, we stayed as friends till now.
 

powder

Active Member
i have bailed out in similar fashion after a girl proposed a steady relationship to me. for me i wasn't keen on a relationship, just frenship... and i know she'll continue to go out with me, or perhaps wait for me... so i just went cold turkey. whilst i believe in platonic relationships, i made a call on that particular girl and just went cold... of cos i still return smses, just that i state i'm busy. hope that coffession helps.
 

babystorm

Member
Wow, didn't realized so many people got bailed out of. It made me recall one of my memories. It happened during my young teens.. Puppy love I guess, suddenly bailed out. It was quite sad on my fragile heart.
 

powder

Active Member
it's instinctive... when u meet with 'danger' u either run or... if u're cornered - u fight aggressively.

can't bear to give the girl a black eye when cornered, so run lah!
 

nikeplus

New Member
Woah...didnt realised so many people "kena" the same treatment as me. That's comforting to know :p I'm fine being friends with him, those that don't have to meet up, those once in a while, chat on msn kind. It left me wondering what did I do wrong. Maybe I said something to offend him? It couldnt be. On the Thursday he disappeared, he asked me out on Monday (I couldn't make it) and even Wednesday (I told him if he's busy, there's no hurry to pass me the things he got for me). Then, I recalled him telling me about 3 other girls whom he said he also disappeared from. Of course, his reasons were they were getting too close for his comfort. I thought fair enough. He was the one who initiated contact with me all these while. So I dont think the reason applies to me. It should have trigger alarm bells in my head back then. I admit the expectation is there because we behaved like a couple, just without status, without physical initimacy. A note to add. I believe in platonic friendship between a girl and a guy.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi nike,

The question you asked him was the "Killer". He still ask you out after your question was because he wanted to bail out on you slowly (ie 2mths) instead of immediately so that he would not appear as a "bad guy".

Next time, let the guy confess to you 1st. Any way, it's nice to let the guy gan chiong a bit for you, keep him guessing whether you are interested in him or not? Not the other way, because you just "kill" the guy's interest in you.

I went out with my hubby for 4 yrs with no sort of confirmation from me till he BTH and confess to me. After he confess, then I will confess.

Maybe I'm have some "princess" attitude, I actually enjoy those funny incidents which guys do to seek my attention.

Though I'm interested I don't show it, just keep them guessing. Enjoy the Fun of Dating, that's what it should be! Let the guy do the worrying, you just have your fun, ok? You have all the time in the world, don't tell me you have a time bomb on your marriage date?
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Nike,

Actually, Guys also enjoy chasing after girls, not the other way. So you need not feel bad to let them wait for the you.

It's always Prince chase after Princess, not Princess chase after Prince.

Maybe you should read more romance novels, though they are just fiction, some of them are in fact quite true and applicable in real life.

I read a lot of these romance novels and being playful, sometimes I'll try on the guys, it does work sometimes.

It's all meant to be fun. Maybe fun for me but Stress for the guys because they don't know my answer. Anyway dating is fun, why appear so stress, you are dating not going to war.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Nick,

If you never ask the "killer" question and yet the guy bail out on you. It's his loss not yours because you want someone who can love you a long time not just 2 months.

Just imagine you marry a guy and the guy bail out of the marriage after 2 months.

The guy and you have to maintain the romance even after marriage till death do us part. You are looking for that particular guy that can do the above not just any one. Remember the Marriage Vow and try to achieve that.
 

nikeplus

New Member
In the beginning, I felt abandoned and bitter. On the positive, it's a short period of 2 months and thankful, we arent in an exclusive relationship.

I dont know if it's pure coincidence. I was just looking at the calendar yesterday and realised it's EXACTLY 2 months. If he pre-planned this, this guy is horrible.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I agree somewhat with Albee, that you don't do the showhand with a guy before he does.

Btw, a platonic guy friend will not make you think or feel you two are a couple. Be wise when you choose your friends, Nike.
 

simpleman

Active Member
"I agree somewhat with Albee, that you don't do the showhand with a guy before he does."

As long as you can live with the consequences it is ok.

I have had on occasion when the girl obviously has interest but decided to "play hard". So normally I will play along if the girl is sufficiently attractive.. and when she is "ready" - I would say bye to her.. And then they would have the cheek to ask me why I wasted my time if I was not interested. I told them, I know the game that they are playing - I have time in the world - so I just want to know how long the game will be played.

To me, I trust my instinct and sincerity. If people are not true to their hearts and instinct and want to play games then I would play - provided she is worth the time.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Human beings are complex creatures.

Sometime we avoid a person because of the danger signs, not because we don't like a person.

I was once very attracted to a woman and the I knew the feeling is reciprocal. But I fought hard to get way because I know it would be extremely messy if we get entangled. So I didn't turn up for appointment. Change my phone number. Block her from MSN and all.

And recently I just found out about a women I met few years back. We have had a relationship and had many wonderful moments together. Then she disappeared for no reason. Nothing heard from her. Everything is unanswered.

Recently I heard from mutual friends that she was avoiding me because she was afraid that she was falling too deep in love with me!
 

nikeplus

New Member
The reason why i showhand was to draw the line. If it's purely friendship, I dont want to put too much feelings in it. The stuff he did was more than friendship. He insisted on buying a cake for my mom when we were out. When he knew my dad was alone at home, he offered to bring him out for dinner. And it was Father's Day! *rolls eyes* Obviously I turned him down. I admit I'm not good with this type of games and I got played.

I'm feeling much better now. I'm someone who needs to talk about someone to death or till I get sick of him. Thanks guys for listening and showering me with your honest opinion.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
SM, it is not playing hard to get. It is staying on the side to observe him and where the friendship is heading to. No need to get emotionally involved too soon or so easily.

I have no qualms about letting a guy know that I am fond of him, find him attractive or enjoy his company. That's all. Everything else is open-ended.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Nike+, is this your first potential relationship?

Actually, I am quite surprised to hear that you were impressed with those gestures of his - mother's day cake and father's day dinner. I would be very scared or turned off instead, and probably the first one to take flight. Too intrusive.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Nike,

Does your parents know his existence? Try not to introduce to your family unless the relationship is confirmed with a view to marriage.

I hope your parents aren't too affected that their precious daughter got "played out".

Hi SM,

All the guys I went out with are in their 20s, still innocent enough not to know the game I'm playing. Luckily I never meet men like SM who is more mature enough to guess my game.

Anyway, dating is fun and should be like a game. If not, it's so boring. The fun is in the guessing whether the other party loves you or not.

You know the scenerio, plucking the petals of the daisy flower or jumping down the steps of the stairs " He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me....."

It's agonizing but fun, isn't it?
 

nikeplus

New Member
doll, this is not my first r/ship. He went from intrusive to totally out of my life. I wasn't impressed with those gestures of his. In fact I felt suffocated. Friends who have met him was rooting for him and asked me to treasure him.

Albee, my parents know abt his existence because he was always at my gate to pick me up. Mom wonders where I pick these rubbish from..LOL!
 

simpleman

Active Member
nike+,

Think positive. It may not be a rubbish. It takes courage to walk away from a relationship. Assuming that you are attractive, why would a man walk away from an attractive lady?

Think positive. Isn't it better now that he pulls the plugs rather than get you involved too emotionally, get you onto bed and then dump you?

If you think he is rubbish.. then what are you? You pick up the rubbish?

Think positive and treat it as a lesson learnt - How to judge people better.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Nike+, so you were egged on by your friends to feel you should have a relationship with that guy?

Doesn't work that way lor. The whole world can think he's a gem but if you don't find him suitable, then don't bother. Listen to your own heart.
 

simpleman

Active Member
One of the key thing about relationship. Dating has to be fun like what Albee was saying.

If dating already not fun and suffocating.. what more can you say about the relationship in the future.

isn't it better to end now than later when the hurt is more? Isn't it better this way now?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Instead of running away from me that vanishing ex-bf of mine was running away from himself. I knew him since our primary school days and being his good friend for years I was pretty clear about the issue he faced. He liked me for many years before gathering the guts to make a confession to me because I was heading overseas for studies and he was afraid of losing me forever. But of course back then I was ideal and thought I could help him with his issue. Oh well, you can never help someone who doesn't want help.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Not sure whether I shared this before. I once met a attractive lady who's in her mid 30's @ a drinking session.
Not whether whether she's tipsy, she started to share her life with me stating that it's hard for her to find someone true to her and she's always got played out no matter how "sincere" that guy used to be.

And my guy frds told me that if a guy is keen to be in a serious r/s with a gal, he will intro her to all his frds and also bring her home to see his parents/relatives followed by long term plan of the future etc.

This is quite true for my case!
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"And my guy frds told me that if a guy is keen to be in a serious r/s with a gal, he will intro her to all his frds and also bring her to intro to his parents/relatives followed by long term plan of the future etc."

Preferably this doesn't happen too soon before I am mentally ready, or else this guy will not be further entertained by me. Oh well, since my divorce a few years ago my mentality on relationship has changed. I have no patience for guys who take the step-by-step thing.
 

cococherry

New Member
sound like a a professional player, enjoying courting girls and lost his interest, no longer a challenge anymore when the woman likes him back. he can easily make girls like you fall for him with his attentiveness & good understanding of women & he seems too perfect or good.
my advice is there's no need to ask for an answer, just act like nothing happen and he doesn't even exist before, don't give him the sense of satisfaction. anyway his fake answer is mostly likely gonna make you feel stupid
 

denise80

Active Member
nike+, I had experiences like yours before...except that we dated like bf and gf for like three weeks and this guy just disappeared after we had a quarrel on the phone. Our quarrel did not end with any agreement that we wouldn't contact one another or that we should have a cooling period etc. In fact, we ended amicably on the phone but later on we just didn't contact one another.

There can be 101 reasons (or more?) why he's not contacting u like those powder listed haa. I think u can just take it that he's not serious enough to be with you. That's how I took it unless I decided to be more dramatic to think that he's involved in some unpleasant accidents etc. Years later we met again at a social gathering quite unexpectedly. We didn't really talk just said hi. Till today, I don't have the answer but frankly, it really doesn't matter. We're just not that keen and full-stop.
happy.gif
 

denise80

Active Member
LoL..same Doll, I freaked out when a suitor used to brew herbal tea for my mum and bring to my place when I said my mum was not feeling well and I had to stay home to look after her. Maybe I just didn't like him and found him rather intrusive too. I didn't think such gestures are nice as well.
 

simpleman

Active Member

"Our quarrel did not end with any agreement"

Didn't know quarrel has to end with any agreement.. ha ha

Then again, sometimes it may be better not to know certain things.. if a relationship ends, it ends. Unless of course the relationship is already very strong - then some sense of closure is good. But again, even has hb & wife divorce - at times we seek closure for issues.. but in reality, is it all that necessary?

Closure is just a psychological acceptance. As long as we accept the end of the relationship then the reasons are not that important - only important if it can teach us something.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"hmm hw do u see whether he "pass" before u give him the green light?"

Use my eyes and heart to "see".

If he can't even pass my "hurdle" then forget about my family's.
 

kitari

New Member
we never end up with our first choice. especially for guys. even playboys end up stammering in front of the girl they really like.

point is he either lost interest and went away because you weren't showing enough interest. some ppl blow hot and cold like that. i've met a girl like that before. though most of these girls were online friends and being a guy from boys sch with no balanced social network i placed a disproportionate amt of emotions and sentiments to these bullshit online friendship.

second scenario. you frightened him off with the killer question.

lets just assume the first. that he was the impatient sort.

btw just sharing a bit of my own experience. i used to stammer in front of girls i have the slightest interest for. so i started hitting on girls when i was in ns to train. tried to date this girl but she didnt seem all that interested. in hindsight i wasn't all that interested as the cute first impression wore thin. so as long as youre pleasant looking character is still the most important. point is i went MIA on her after some time. so moral of the story is girls i really like i still end up as a nervous wreck whereas if i can date you you're probably not my 'first' choice per se. don't dispair though fact is most of us settle for second best because the first choice stirs up insecurities in us.

so just take it in stride and move along.

ps. i did contact the girl a few years later and asked her casually if she would have gone out with me in a relationship if i had stayed around. answer is yes. but its all what if.

till today i'm still struggling with my own insecurities and the perception that sg girls are too uptight and unfriendly. at the end we're all human soft and bruise easily on the inside.
 

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