Gg to marry without parents' blessing...sad...

rafflesjay

New Member
imperfect relationship? They are in love. They willing to sacrifice and make things happen. They choose what they want.
A perfect relationship? Just marry anyone your parent ask you to? Marry off and do what is suppose to be done.
?
 


holiday_ger

New Member
if she really tink she has found her true happiness, then she will not be be affected by her family's reaction towards the relationship. heck care with them anyway she will not be staying under the same roof as her parents. at most visit her parents once or twice a year lor. if she is so happily in love then nothing else is more impt.

apparently this is nt the case. there is nobody supportive of her relationship that's why she's trying to find comfort from ppl in the forum. she is hoping to find ppl to tell her tat her decision is right. sometimes ppl juz refuse to admit they are wrong that's why they keep trying to find ways and means to prove that they are right or hang on to it and hope that one day it will become right.

love is not everything in a relationship. willing to sacrifice doesn't mean u will succeed. nobody is asking her to marry the person her parents ask her to. but if she is able to find a partner whom she loves and her family and friends are happy for her, i believe she will be happier with her wedding preparation than now.

in any case, it her "happiness". if she doesn't feel sick and tired doing wat she is doing now, going thru wat she is going thru now, it up to her.
 

ggoldfish

New Member
Hi S'rene

thks for the concern...the first visit reaction was quite expected, i shd say bah...

my parents was shocked n surprised when he went into the hse wif me...i nt sure if they cant recognise him or wat(thk their impression of him was an ah beng bt tat day he did dress up a bit, shirt with pants n specs), they jux stare at him...he introduced himself n at tt instant, they seem to awake fr their state of shock...my mum walk to her rm n close the door w/o saying anything...my dad turn his back n wave his hand, gesturing for him to leave...

my bf immed mentioned tt he had bought some tonics bt there was no response fr my dad whose back was facing us all the time...sensing the awkwardness, my bf made excuse tt it was late n he would make a move first n turn to leave...my dad then ask me to return the stuff to him...by then i ve already quickly locked the gate n asked my dad to accept it since he already bought it...my dad then placed the stuff near the door n say he will nvr accept...i told my dad it is up to him hw he want to settle the stuff as we ve already bought it for him n it is really our 'xin yi'...tt day was last tue n till today the stuff is still placed at the door, with everyone treating it invisible...

we will still cont to try n hope tt my parents will soon be touched by our sincerity...

holiday ger,
thks 4 ur comments...i believe everyone is entitled to their views n hence there is nth wrong wif urs as well...my intention of posting was nt to gain support bt to seek advise of hw to settle my issue...like wat u mentioned, of cox ideally i oso wish to fall in love wif someone whom my whole family is happy with, n start my preparations with no worries...bt as wat pple say, life is funny, it does nt always turn out the way u plan...if i wasnt stuck in this situation n happen to be someone jux reading a similar story, i might thk the same way as u did...jux give up look for a guy whom the whole world will pleased with...bt bec i m the lead actress, i know hw hard it is to get out of the role...bt nevertheless, i understand ur advise is meant for my own gd as well...thks...
 

ggoldfish

New Member
rafflesjay,

thks for helping me to speak up...i understand tt holiday_ger meant well...every r/s is a gamble n although i cant be sure tt i will end up the winning side, at least it is an option i chose myself...shd i become the loser, i can blame no one bt be responsible for my own decision...
 

holiday_ger

New Member
Hi ggoldfish,

i m nt juz reading ur story for leisure. i had been in ur shoe before and now my younger sister has a similar situation as u. so i cn empathize wif both u and ur parents.

i wished i m able to enlighten u but i knw i will definitely fail becoz i dun think u cn think rationally at this point of time. why i made this conclusion?

becoz based on ur posts, ur bf seems to be so perfect and ur parents seem to be so evil to try to break up ur r/s. ur parents raised u up and sent u to school, i'm sure they want the best for u. in case u hv not realised, u hv successfully beautified ur bf and uglified ur parents in this thread.

u want to seek advise frm ppl how to settle ur issue, yet u only willing to accept advises tat sound pleasing to u. are u willing to give a new r/s a chance? this is also a way to settle ur issue but obviously ur answer is NO!

of course u cn marry ur bf. ur parents can't stop u. but i cn assure u tat even if u married him, ur problem will still exists coz in a way u r forcing ur parents to accept ur r/s. nobody likes ppl to ram something down their throat. ur parents are no exception.

so far, i only hear ur side of story. i hv yet to hear ur parents' side of story. i'm sure something muz hv happened before tat triggered them to object to ur r/s.

so for ur case, i will give my support to ur parents.
 

ggoldfish

New Member
holiday_ger

hmmm....perhaps there is some miscommunication here as i ve mentioned in my prev postings tt i understand my parents' acted the way they did bec they love me...n i ve mentioned as well they r gd parents whom i love v much as well, if nt i wld nt be caught in such a dilemma nw...it was nvr my intention to uglified my parents which i think other forumers can tell cox none of them actually condemn my parents....everyone know my parents want the best for me n i know it very well too...it will be a bit irrelevant if i post other infor abt my parents tt is nt related to the issue...hope i clarify the misunderstanding...

u mentioned u were in similar situation once...poss to share ur story? n hw is ur younger sis similar to me?
 

mayimayi

New Member
ggoldfish, 我欣èµä½ !
By giving ur (and ur bf's) best shot and putting in efforts instead of giving up and quitting just because your parents didnt like ur bf...

Btw, i'm just curious and being a bit kpo here as i am lazy to go read the thread from the beginning again, but i have a bt impression as i read this thread before....
Did your parents get to know him first before they display such negative response towards your bf?
 

holiday_ger

New Member
ggoldfish, i will juz do a quick summary here. my ex bf was a malaysian. he used to work here. he does nt hv a work permit. in fact he does nt even qualified to apply for a work permit here coz he does nt even meet the minimum requirement. so dun even need to tink abt applying PR here.

when i was with him, i told myself tat he no money, nvm i hv degree i cn earn; he cn nt apply for PR, nvm i cn live in malaysia, my family dun like him, nvm i stay most of the wkend in malaysia; my friends dun feel comfortable with him, nvm i stay away frm them.. etc.. nothing is a problem to me.

however in reality, i m nt happy. i lost my family, i lost my friends, i lost my career, i lost my dreams, i lost my ambition. i hv nothing except him. and do u knw wat happened at tat time? he was caught working in singapore without work permit and was banned frm coming in to singapore for 1 yr. i travelled to and fro every week into malaysia. i almost forgotten i'm a singaporean.

until my HTB appear in my life, then i started to ask myself is tis the kind of life i wan? no family, no friends, no career? is this the "HAPPINESS" tat i wan? able to be with the person u love but there are simply far too much sacrifices to make. do i want to stay in his kampong in malaysia and be a kampong degree holder? is tis the kind of marriage i wan? where are my dreams and ambition?

tat's when i initiate the break up. tis r/s is too destructive. tis is nt happiness. happiness shld be positive not negative.

tat's y i knw when u r blinded by love, everytin is nt a problem. u cn compromise almost everytin. but ultimately u hv to wake up frm ur fantasy. fantasy will nt last forever. u hv to face the reality sooner or later.

i was lucky to cme to my senses early. i like my current life. although i hv to work extra hard to catch up with my peers, but at least nw i'm leading the life which i always wanted since young. my family like my HTB. whenever i booked the BS or hotel, i will SMS them and they are all happy for me. tis is real happiness. but no matter wat, fact is fact, i still wasted my prime 6 yrs.

my sis is nt as lucky as me. i posted her story in one of the thread before. like u, she is getting married.
 

ggoldfish

New Member
mayimayi,

thks...my parents knew his background bt nvr interact with him b4...so nw i m hoping to create more opportunities for communications n hope my parents will give us a chance...
 

ggoldfish

New Member
for those who r concern,

unfortunately, things din improve...for the 2nd visit, my bf bought a box of cakes, greeted my parents, told them he bought some cakes for them n place on the table in front of them...parents were watching tv tt time n again surprised by his visit...my dad v pissed n said i am getting on his nerves...so i told my bf better to leave tt moment..while he was leaving, my dad swept the box of cakes onto the floor...i duno wat to say, kept quiet n went to my room...

tt night was raining heavily n my parents still went downstairs shortly after my bf left..thk my dad went to buy cigarettes n my mum acc him...when they back, my dad started to make alot of puking sound bt i dun think anything came out...then my mum blame me n said my dad felt uncomfortable in his chest...she said we provoked my dad...hw can i bring such a man hm etc...

i kept quiet thoughtout...i swear we din do anything to challenge my dad...my dad has history of high blood n tt is y i told my bf to swallow all insults if any, cox we cant afford to let his pressure rise n be responsible for anything...

my mum keep asking my dad if he wants to c doc bt he refuse...i m worried too bt since my dad dun even listen to my mum,there is nth i can do...

the chest problem is nt the first time round bt my dad all along stubbornly refuse to seek treatment...he refuse to cut down on his smoking n lose his temper everytime we try to bring him c doc...the whole family, including me, is worried bt he wont listen, saying he knows his own health best...

i am in no position to suspect whether my dad really feel sick tt night bt this is nt the first time my dad use health to threaten me...there was one time which he lost his balance n hurt his toe while scolding me n blame me for making him lose his balance...i din even touch him nor stand near him bt since he want to say i m the cause of it, i accepted the blame...dad seems ok the next few days, can play manjong etc bt refuse to tok to me...

these few days i began to wonder, y is it tt he refuse to seek treatment to improve his conditions n then push all blame to me when he feels unwell...i m nt pushing blame away bt i feel it's a bit unfair to say we r responsible when all along he refuse to see doc n continue his heavy smoking...

yest, i went round my hse area to gather tel of doc who do hse visit...if he refuse to go c doc, let the doc come to him...if nt, next time i will call ambulance str away no matter hw much he protest...

for the visits, we will slow down for the time being...i dun wan my dad to start feeling unwell again n my mum blame me...

maybe some forumers may say tt i am unfilial n heartless for saying all the above...bt i shall repeat myself again tt i love my parents v much, n tt is y we r swallowing all pride to gain their approval...
 

powder

Active Member
i would be a very proud father if my daughter did what u did.

else might come a time u have to be abit more firm... not rude, but firm.
 

koikoi

New Member
ggoldfish,

I hope one day (asap), your parents will wake up. Not every guy has such gd temper as your bf. I'm sure everyone has temper. Kudos to your bf and you. Now must be a cooling period for both parents and bf. continue trying. I salute you. U are a good daughter.
 

crystal_cloud

New Member
ya, me too..
i have been following this thread.

personally i can really understand the humiliation of words/ body language received from a partner's parents who dislike the individual..coz i have received such treatment before.

guess in this difficult times, you should be brave to suport your bf's emotions and not be ruled by your parent's behaviour...you should be proud to have such a good bf..

like me, though i have put up a strong front, i still feel hurt and humiliated by my bf's mom's behavior..but becoz i really dun wana add stress to my bf, i managed to conceal my emotions.
 

hope83

New Member
ggoldfish, if my guess is correct, it sounds like your bf has a history of mental illness based on the hints you have given.

I have a strong possibility of ending up in a similar situation as you in the future, but im the guy in this case.

Ultimately at the end of the day, I feel the question you have to ask yourself is, if no matter what you do, you will not get the blessings of the parents, what will you chose? This question goes to all those who is facing the same problems.

Because at the end of the day, I believe that all of us want our parents blessings and our potential in-laws blessings. But if no matter what we do, we won't gain their acceptance. What will you chose?

reason being, if you already deep down in your heart, know that you will marry this person with or without the respective parents' blessings, then you have to come to the understanding that, you will continue to do your best to help them see, but you will not kill yourself physically/emotionally/mentally trying to please them.

The strain of trying to please either side's parents can kill your own relationship. Is it worth it? You decide.

I believe that in life, it's important to place our energy and time on what we can do to make things better, not spend energy and time pushing walls.

Im sorry if i may sound a little harsh in any possible way, especially being a newcomer, but believe me, I have to answer the same questions too since I know its likely i will be in the same situation.
 

sportyangel

New Member
hi ggoldfish, im new here. im quite understand ur situation coz im also in ur position with different behaviour.
im indonesian n a muslim
my mom left me 7 years ago n until now she stil live in US.our realtionship was good, we comunicate thru cellphone
but since i have a r/s with chinese singaporean, she's trying to give me advise not to continue this r/s.
in d beginning of our r/s my mother stil want 2 comunicate with me, but when my bf purpossed me n ask me 2 marry him, she dont want 2 communicate with me anymore. i sms or call she never reply, because my FH dont want to convert.
but i agree with him, i will stil be a muslim n he dont need 2 convert. my father supported me all d time. but my sister n my brother are aginst me in d beginning of our r/s
but i dont mind coz i explain to them that i love him n he loves me. they dissagree but they stil support me.
so im getting marriage this october on my birthday, even without my mother's blessing. 2 be honest im sad, but i made my decision n live with it. i love my FH, n most of my fam also loves him.
2 bad that my mother cant understand even i keep explaining thru sms (she dont want 2 pick up my call)

hope my story can help u
 

ggoldfish

New Member
powder,babu,royal n pink cloud...

thks...it really brings a tear tt u guys r giving me encouragement, blessing n advise instead of blaming me of causing distress to my parents, esp my dad...

pink cloud,
it mux ve been hard on u, esp we girls tend to be weaker emotionally...wat happen between u n ur bf's mum? it's ok if nt convenient to mention here...

songfeng, my ans to ur qn...even if my parents still din give us blessings eventually, we will still seek for their understanding after wedding...they r my parents fr the day i was borned to the day i die...bt there is sth i dun quite understand fr ur post...u mentioned u prefer to spend energy to make things better, nt pushing wall...so wat is the thing tt u rather spend energy to make it better? n fr ur post, r u saying since u know ur parents wun be accepting ur gf no matter wat u do, u wldnt want to do the extra in case it spoil ur relationship?

angelina,understand ur situation...race n religion can be a v sensitive factors esp fr my understanding tt marrying a female muslim wld normally require the guy to convert as well, if nt it will nt be really accepted by ur community...wat u did is v brave...at least ur dad is understanding n willing to give support...4 ur mum, is there anyone in the family she is at least willing to listen to? for my case, my uncle has actually tried to bring up the matter to my parents bt they always brush it off when my issue is mentioned...they simply dun even wan to give my relatives the chance to express their views...

but, we will still try...
 

hope83

New Member
hi ggoldfish,

all of us would like our parents blessings for sure for our marriage. Who won't want a happy marriage with the blessings, well-wishes and acceptance from everybody around us?

What I meant to say earlier on was, instead of spending so much energy and time trying to gain their approval and acceptance, why not spend more time and energy on ensuring your marriage turns out well and happy. if our parents truly do love us, eventually they will see that the person whom we marry truly loves us and tht our marriage is doing fine, contrary to what they originally expect.

I learnt in life that it is pointless trying to please everyone, trying to get the approval of everyone. In chinese, basically the saying is "åƒåŠ›ä¸è®¨å¥½". And besides, it's not like you haven't tried to win them over.

I'm not saying that you or I myself won't still want to gain the parents acceptance and approval even after we chose to get married, but why spend so much energy and give ourself so much heartburn.

Let me give you perhaps some examples of some other people's experiences that i have encountered before.

These people are in similar shoes as us. I have seen some that try their darnest best to please their parents but no matter what they cannot gain the acceptance. Some chose not to get married because of this, others try and try until their own relationship with their spouse suffer. Others come to terms and acceptance with what they can and cannot change eventually.

Among those who came to acceptance with the fact that they cant change their parents' minds, some eventually still didn't manage to but they are leading a happy marriage. And then there's also those where time and actions showed to the parents that their marriage is working out fine and the parents are finally convinced.

Basically do what you can, but don't wear down your own relationship or yourself because of the parents aspect. Remember, you're not marrying this guy because you want your parents approval. YOu are marrying this guy because you believe this guy wil bring you happiness and your marriage with him will work out.


On another note, can someone tell me where i can access my private message function, i can't seem to find it anywhere.
 

pirate

New Member
Go to top: Profile, log-in, look for 'Preference', untick 'Do not send me "Private Message" e-mails from other board users'. messages will be sent to the email that you used to register your nick
 

crystal_cloud

New Member
goldfish, actually it's rather hard on my bf as well..coz he is the one facing his mom everytime he returns home..he has stood up for me and occasionally coming to my house to stay over instead.

kind souls like powder, simpleman, not auntie and green has given me lotsa great advices to keep me going on..and making me feel less burdened or self-pity..

http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/716589.html?1216268265

anyway, i always remembered someone's advice: out of sight, out of mind... good one!
 

sportyangel

New Member
ggoldfish, my sister tried to talk to her but turns out now she's backing up my mom's decision.
to be honest, i dont care... no matter what im sure that my sister will come to our wedding. n i will stil cantinue to marry my FH with or witht my moms blessing, like what songfeng's mention earlier...
hopefully i can convinced her that im happy with my choice
 

simpleman

Active Member
It is good to have parents blessing but in certain circumstances when parents are too much, we will have to make our own decision. We can be firm in our decision and yet we don't have to quarrel with them. If they come and bless the marriage it is the best, else you have to make do with whatever you have.

Give them time and over time they will understand.
 

sportyangel

New Member
SM : i agree with u . thats what me n my FH also think
sooner or later i hope my mother will understand, after she sees that im happy with this man
 

icechoco

New Member
ggoldfish,
it's good to have parents blessing. i experience somewhat similar like you and have gone through everything. just that mine is more complicated. Right now, blessed with own children already. i had my parents blessing but my hb didn't had his. we were in relationship for 6 years before we got married. we tried all the way even up till the wedding day. my in-laws rejected my tea during the tea-ceremony in front of all the relatives with me in my wedding dress. we still carry on the wedding dinner with PIL being very black face and them walking out after the dinner without thanking the guests or taking photos with the guests. when i gave birth, PIL also didn't see my child until i brought my son along to visit during CNY. by then, my son 10 months old. At times, because of this, my relationship with hb did suffer. we quarrel and sometimes felt like divorcing. But after that, what good will it do? our children will suffer and we ask ourselves why we go through all this? To gain parents acceptance or because we know we want to grow old together. my PIL did finally gain acceptance and my FIL said directly to me that he accepted me as his DIL. This is after 9 years. When i think back about what happen, i can never forget. All the MIL's stories and her character and whatever nonsence that i've put up with. And i'm sure my PIL also think the same way that they have to put up with me. Sometimes i tell hb i think i might feel happier either being single or divorced with the kids.
bottomline, you can put in as many effort as you want and it will not be appreciated because you cannot change your parents just to like your hb and accept him. so stop trying. you will be mentally exhausted and physically tired like what i went through. Just let nature takes its course. Maybe over many many years, they will finally accept your hb. Even if they don't, it doesn't matter right? You marry your hb because you want to be with him right? It's not a forced marriage or match-make. But bear in mind, if anything happen to your marriage, don't put the blame on yourself that you didn't listen to your parents. Take it as a learning curve that you are responsible for your decisions.
 

holiday_ger

New Member
"bottomline, you can put in as many effort as you want and it will not be appreciated because you cannot change your parents just to like your hb and accept him. so stop trying. you will be mentally exhausted and physically tired like what i went through."

to ic, you hv hit the nail on the head!

to goldffidh and songfeng, if u r asking for this kind of "happiness" like ic had gone thru, then good luck to both of you. hopefully aft 9 yrs of mental stress, emotional stress and arguments, u will be as lucky as her.

to pink cloud, if the good son or daughter of yours starts to MIA from the house, become rebellious because of the bf/gf, will u like it? the more u rebel and the more u MIA, the longer it will take for the parents to accept ur partner.
 

hope83

New Member
Ger, im afraid you must have not read my post clearly.

I have absolutely no intention of pleasing anyone, never did, never will. I will go ahead with my decision of whoever I want to marry with or without anyone's approval.

As I mentioned to golddfish earlier, this is an exhausting waste of energy which I will rather put the time and effort on making sure my marriage work out fine instead.
 
" It's not a forced marriage or match-make. But bear in mind, if anything happen to your marriage, don't put the blame on yourself that you didn't listen to your parents. Take it as a learning curve that you are responsible for your decisions."

The same principle also applies when the wedding received our parents' blessings.

Even if the wedding received our parent's blessings and something bad happened to marriage later, we also shouldn't put the blame on parents lor. It's our life and our decisions.
 

crystal_cloud

New Member
GER,
like songfeng, i have no ill intentions of trying to discord the r/s of my bf/ her son with her.

during one of the recent dinner, i did ask him if he wants to speak with her..and he said no..given his understanding of her, he said if he brings this up, there will be another quarrel.

i really enjoyed spending the weekends with him by my side..my mom likes him too..he also enjoys he meal whipped up by my mom..(coz his mom seldom cook) as to if his dissappearance from house on weekends will further cause his mom to dislike me..i have to agree on this to a certain extent..she may feel im trying to be rebellious on the situation by 'snatching' the son away from house..sigh..if someone dislike me...no matter how many good things i do, that someone will not appreciate. any happenings can become a reason to hate me more, to dislike me more. well, im washing my hands of this matter (for now).

I do not how to stop making the mom dislike me..for now, i guess she still needs time to cool off first.

I too feel miserable being condemned like this. everytime i see him bring his clothes over on weekends, i will feel sorry for the hassles he has to put up with.

Maybe someone can give me some advices here as to how to start making moves to ease the tension/ make his mom cool down?
 

icechoco

New Member
dear pink cloud,
To start to make the moves to ease the tension is to start seeing her lesser. If better, don't meet at all. Because in reality, she doesn't like you. The sight of you disgust her. So to let her cool down, don't see her at all. Only see her during special occasions like CNY. She won't be able to treat you badly during CNY. Because if not it will bring bad luck to her as well.
And you have to ask your bf to stop bringing his clothes over (your house, i presume?) on weekends. You could go out with your bf but maybe for dinner etc.. he has to go back to his home. Whether his mother cook or not, that is not your problem. Unless you guys are officially married, then you can worry about whether he's eaten or not. If you want to make his mom cool down, this is my advise. Whether you want to take heed, it's up to you.
 

introuble55

New Member
hi pnk cloud,

i agree w ic. why must either u or ur bf stayover at each other's hse?

it seems like his mum doesnt take to e idea of u staying over their hse. and now he is staying over ur hse instead. it really doesnt change things.

i feel tt his mum will respect u more if the two of u stop doing that. u n ur bf can continue seeing each other. but dun hv to sleep at each other's hse. i know this is common nowadays but his mum doesnt like it. let him return to his mum at e end of e day. in fact i think it will be good if he is good to his mum. his mum might think tt u r good influence.
 

crystal_cloud

New Member
ic (icechoco) & introuble55 (introuble55)
first and foremost i have to thank you both for your advices.
However, i do not really wana agree with not having bf to stay over on weekends. Reason being: she just dislike me..period. there is no reason, and becoz there is no reason, any reasons can inturn become a reason to dislike me.

Why do i say that? coz his ex has been with him in his house on weekends too, and she has no problems with it..coz she likes her. This goes to show, if she likes that gal, there is no issues of a gals staying over in their house. Same goes to his sibling's partner on the staying over issue..she has no problem with that..and wat i heard was, she also made some noise before they got married..on other issues. I mean, any issues can become a major one to her, if she wants to make noise. That's not my bias comments..i heard from his sibling's partners..now my bf's sis in law.

They had their fair share of encounters with her too.

Anyway, i feel weekends are the only time we can spend time togther lazing around..so i really feel it's precious to me.

Other than that, i will still heed your advices on seeing me less. as for CNY, i really have no idea wats it gona turn out to be..best is mia too..watever..i realy have no courage to face someone who dislike me to max..and still force myself to go meet her..im not that thick skin afterall
 

hulaar

New Member
pinkcloud
understd yr situation - although many pple say in life, so long as we"re happy then nothing matters but sometimes other "things" do matter. it can gnaw at you bec it makes u unhappy, so u may also wish to think long term how to approach tis. just my 2 cents worth to help yah
 

ggoldfish

New Member
hi to all who ve been reading this thread..was quite bz lately, thus the delay in posting...

ic, did u mean to say, after u ve stopped trying to do anything, ur PIL finally accept u after a few years? During tt few yrs, did u continue to visit ur PIL or u jux stay away fr them? i do hope my parents will one day appreciate my bf like the way ur PIL finally did...even if we really ve to wait...

songfeng, i do understand wat u mean...demanding too much fr my boyfriend to gain my parents' acceptance may backfire...his patience may be stretched n may even sour our relationship...right nw we ve slow down a bit as i dun wan to over-trampled on his pride as well...bt he promised me he will still continue to try...

pink cloud, sorry if i miss out some details of your posting...so will u n ur bf continue wif ur wedding plans?...we r gg to choose our flat soon bt so sad tt we cant share the joy with my family...

anyway, jux an update of what we ve done recently...on my mum's bday, we bought a bag for my mum...as expected, my mum rejected it and place it at the doorstep again...however, tt evening then i realise sth which my dad nvr told my mum...

few mths ago, my dad was in need of a lump sum of money...i'm the only one in the family who can get a bank loan bec my bro n sis did nt ve a clean financial credit card record...however, there was a limit hw much i can borrow n the total sum is still nt sufficient...it was only financial help fr my bf then we manage to get the required amt...i admit we were hoping tt my parents will be touched if they eventually know tt my bf contributed his help...however, we were also prepared tt my parents will nt appreciate n blame him for being nosey bec getting my bf to help is our own idea as well, nt sth my parents requested...to my astonishment,my dad admitted during 1 quarrel tt it did come across his mind tt i may get help fr my bf...bt bec i am given the responsibility of getting the money, he wun interfer where i will get it from!...i was quite furious when i heard it...i mean, i'm ok if they dun appreciate if it is our own initiative n my parents ve no idea abt it, bt my dad actually had the tot tt my bf may help n bec he need help, they r ok to close 1 eye!...tt nite when my mum rejected the gift, i finally exploded n asked y din they reject his money tt time...my mum looked shocked then i realise she was nt aware of it...all along my dad only keep it to himself!...nevertheless, upon finding the truth, my mum was nt v touched as well, she say since they ve returned all money, they ve nth to do wif it anymore...my dad,after knowing wat i ve told my mum, flew into a rage n threw temper in their room...i dun wan to bother n went to sleep...

then 2 wks ago, another drama thing happened to my family...we ve jux shifted into our new flat nt more than 3 mths n the stupid prev owner actually went to borrow fr loan shark!tt nite, a runner actually splashed coffee outside our doorstep n wrote our unit number all over the blk, claiming tt we owe them money...luckily,our neighbours told us the prev owner was renting a room somewhere nearby n we manage to track him down...all this while, i was observing my dad...he was ok wif walking to the police station n back hm n to the prev owner place w/o feeling tired or chest pain...then when we meet the prev owner, my dad raise his voice n demand explanation from him in anger w/o looking in pain at all...of cox, i keep all these observation to myself cox i knw i ve no right n it will be v unfilial of me to suspect my dad of faking his illness to scare me...anyway, the next day, i went back to the police station with my parents to get a printed report(my bro n sis, as usual, say they ve to work, nt free)...at the station, my bf was already there waiting for us...when he open the door for my parents, my dad did nt recognise it was him n actually smile at him...i thk it was until he addressed them then my parents realise it was him...my dad's face turn black n keep chasing us to go while waiting for the report...my bf went to buy some drinks n offer to them bt my dad jux pushed them away...when we were out of the police station, my dad walked v fast n my mum ve to keep up with him...then he put his hand on his chest...i was prepared to call the ambulance at this pt of time, bt they jux continue to walk faster, yelled at us nt to follow them anymore n walk off, w/o hand on his chest...i thk it is pointless to keep following them so i told my bf to stop there n carry on with wat we ve plan for the day...

everytime when i see my dad continue with his smoking n late nite mahjong, i feel like asking him y he din bother to take care of his own health...even my mum still continue to buy his fav peanuts for him...n when i tell my mum nt to buy bec of his health, my mum will jux say, ur dad will be ok as long as u all listen to us...i really feel unfair, bt wat can i say...

coming mid-autumn, we ve plan for my bf to buy some mooncakes, even though we know for sure wat the outcome will be...
 

hope83

New Member
ggoldfish, some people just cannot be pleased. I believe that everyone is responsible for their own emotions and happiness. You are not in this world to please them, and it isn't that you haven't already tried as I mentioned before.

There is a serenity prayer that goes..

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

To all here i will still put forward this point. Some people are really downright filial, to the point where it's not really filial but just blind obedience to their parents. The price they may pay is their own happiness.

I would thus just ask, if this is truly the right guy or girl for you and you know it, your friends believe it too. Everyone else thinks so except your own parents. Your parents will most definitely be happy and accept you the minute you let go of your potential spouse. Will you sacrifice your happiness just so your parents can be happy? Will you start feeling you are to be blamed if your parents fall sick because they are angry at you?

It's like "An unstoppable force versus an immovable object".

We each can only be responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. It's your parents' job to be happy on their own, not derive happiness from their children fulfilling their expectations.

As I mentioned earlier in this reply, there's a difference between filial and obedience.
 

coka

New Member
I've only managed to read the first post and the last page.
-What i feel is that, only extremely strong r/s can withstand lots of 'beatings'.

-Also, channeling your energy into something, that will be fruitful - like making your marriage work better, is more practical. Of coz, you should continue (in a natural no-stress way), to reconcile everything with your parents.

- Whatever happens now and in the future, you're the one that make the decision for your actions and you're soely the one that bears the responsibility. (remember this part)

- There's this thing called 'self-prophecy'. If you think you can, then you can. Don't feel worried over your sister's instinct or whatever. My instinct works well 98/100 times. But, there's still a 2 times of miscalculating!

on the other hand,
also bear in mind that, there's a high % of in-laws interferace that contribute to divorce cases. So, you've got to make sure your r/s is powerful and strong to withstand all the nonsense.

finally, before and after marriage is completely 2 different things.
before marriage, the same person can be very nice etc. After marriage, different treatment/attitude coz of change in status/expectation. (So, you've think through this part carefully too.)
For example, some ppl only show their violent nature AFTER marriage. Applies more to those who grows up from violent families.... sadzz..
Of coz, counselling and self-conscious, self-talking etc can lessen and eventually curb the behaviour. (Not just for violence, for almost everything).

hope i make some sense.
 

coka

New Member
if a r/s has got probs, then, it's either a
- go fight for it
or
- let go.

i've seen many instances whereby ppl give up their 10 years plus r/s.
or divorce after being together for more than 10 yrs.
continue to move on and find another true love.

There was this lady, who gave up about 11 r/s before finding a suitable HB.
Another whom i know of, got married at age 43.

Of coz ppl shouldn't follow suit, as it's a waste of energy and time. BUT, if the heart is not happy, then something got to give way....

ppl tell me, every fall in the life, you've got to pick yourself up and become STRONGER than before. Then only you can survive.
 

ggoldfish

New Member
junie,thks for ur advise n analysis...it is v true n i wil keep tt in mind...

songfeng, i m starting to see more of wat u mean by "An unstoppable force versus an immovable object"...recently,he is starting to see more of my other relatives(mother's side)...it started during 1 time when i went to my small uncle hse to visit my granny who is sick...my uncle asked if he is waiting under the flat for me while i everytime visit my granny...i was surprised tt he knew...he told me everyone in the family knew abt us,n he understand bec in the past he was rejected by his FIL too...he asked me to bring him up next time so tt he dun ve to be so pathetic to wait dwnstairs...my tears jux dropped when i heard tt...finally someone in the family willing to take a look at him n listen to our side of the story...

last few wk, my granny was admitted to hospital so we bump into our big aunt at the hospital during the first visit...she din say much n keep smiling at him wh we hope did make a gd impression...on the 2nd visit, my big aunt was there as well with my small uncle...so my small uncle used the chance to tell her our story n hope she can help us tok to my parents...she said watever she say to them oso no use bec they v stubborn...bt she is willing to be our solemnisation witness if my parents really din turn up...we were so surprised tt she volunteered n were really touched...

But, i realise no matter hw hard we try, it jux nid my sis to spread some gossip to bring dwn all our hard work...i dunno hw my mum get to knw tt my relatives saw him...on the same day tt my aunt promised to be our witness, my mum called n scold me for bringing him ard...then last nite, i heard my sis toking on the phone LOUDLY tt she has already EXPLAINED to my big aunt y they dun like him...it is bec he used to ve penpals b4 n he told my sis b4 he view soccer more impt than gf...bt all these things r BEFORE we r together...i m nt gg to declare loudly tt he definitely will be most faithful guy in tis whole world bt i thk there is nth wrong for a person to get to knw more pple b4 he is attached...wat abt couples who get to knw each other thru the once v popular IRC? i ve a few couples frens who r together thru such ways...n after 7plus yrs of being together, she mean i ve no idea of whether i m more impt than a soccer ball? n all those things are said so many yrs ago, cant a person matured in his thinking after all these yrs? they refused to adknowledge the effort he put in all these yrs and jux keep banging on those old tales...BUT one funny thing is, i wonder since my sis gt such a bad impression of him, y did she almost everyday use the laptop he buy for me? she knew it was fr him...other than the first 2 or 3 times which she asked for permission to use, following tt she jux take n use w/o asking me...y she use sth bought by a person she is so disgusted with? wun tt dirty her fingers? mayb i m really a coward, instead of confronting her, i can oli vent my anger by telling my frens n posting here...y did they jux keep on harping the past instead of seeing the effort n hard work he put in? his pride n dignity really suffered everytime when he is put dwn jux like tt no matter hw hard he tries...some of u may thk tt mayb my sis able to analyse better bec she is clear-minded whereas i m blinded by love...bt my concern is, y dun u give a chance to knw the current him instead of hanging on to the past impression? bec there is a saying tt old habits will nvr change so he dun deserved a chance for them to change impression of him?
 

hope83

New Member
ggoldfish, remember as i continue to emphasis this. focus on what you can do, not on what you can't control. At this point you already have your uncle and such who's prepared to help you. Why not focus your effort on them instead.

Someone once said, one of the keys to happiness is to spend more time with people you like.

it's amazing how so many people in this world spend time trying to please people whom they don't like or cannot be pleased.
 

autumni76

New Member
i agree.
do not let what you can control, overtake what you can't control.

your happiness is in your hands. not others. you decide. the rest.. is a just keep working on it slowly thingy.

there're so many diff types of ppl in this world.
when you please one, you displease the other.
There never been a case i know of, where everyone is pleased at the same time. There's always a black sheep somewhere.

p.s. my colleagues said those motivational ppt slides can help change the power of the mind. Maybe u can google for some to recharge your mind and cheer yourself up too.

not sure if this is counted -
url]
 

holiday_ger

New Member
ggoldfish,

if u hated ur family so much, why do u still want their blessing?

sound familiar?

exactly like u r asking why ur sis dun like ur bf why still want to use the laptop he bought for u?

why ur father dun like ur bf yet still want to use his money?

if i were ur parent, i will tell u to
1) get out of the hse. why stay in ur parents' hse if u hated them so much?
2) repaid them the amt of $$ spent to bring u up and send u to school. why use their $$ when u hated them so much?
3) dun use ur paper qualification to find job. they sent u to school. why use the qualification when u hated them so much?

initially, i quite sympathise with u and i cn empathise with ur situation. but look at the way u keep telling the whole world how ugly ur family are, i really dun tink u deserve their blessing. why shld they bless u when u hated them so much?
 

ggoldfish

New Member
holiday_ger

please dun put words into my month...when did i ever use the word 'HATE'?

It is precisely tt i LOVE my parents v much tt i am doing all these...

i manage to find the thread regarding ur sis n from what i read, our problem is the same, bt our way of approaching is different...u mentioned tt her bf has v bad attitude whereas mine is not... u read of hw my bf swallow his pride n the effort he put in, hoping my parents will change opinion of him? he was not like ur sis bf, so pls stop directing ur anger at me bec of wat happened in your family...you ve been v aggressive in all ur postings to me which i ve been accepting n even thk u for ur views...pls analyse the differences b4 u thk ur sis's bf n mine r the same...

btw, in my prev postings, i ve mentioned b4 of hw i am grateful to my parents for bringing me up n hw i LOVE them as well...so i ve repeated them here n pls dun ever say i hate them again...

Since i m here to seek advice, of cox what i posted are the -ve encounters i came across to find out hw i can handle them...of cox my family has their positive side n tt's y i am asking for advice...the forum is nt my blog or personal diary, of cox i cant be mentioning everything tt happended within the family... i ve to come str to the pt of wat happen for the problem i m faced...there will be no focus if i mention the joke tt i share wif my mum yest...

i din do nth but post here to complain abt them everyday...i gave them 1/3 of my nett pay, on top of tt, i oso help to pay bills...every bonus, i gave them almost half of the share...for last bonus, i did not rec much bec i jux change job n oli gt back pro-rated amt, i gave them all to my mum...i m nt trying to say i m a gd daughter, which i knw i m nt, bt i did try to fulfil my role as daughter as well...i did nt make use of the education they gave me n keep all my earnings, i oso contributed back as well...i am oso concern abt them as much as they r concern abt me...i nvr took them for granted...

i hope i m wrong to think tt jux bec some of the pple did nt agree wif u in your sister's thread, u seem to vent ur anger at me as if i am ur sis.. i can only say tt me n ur sis's case is similar, bt nt the same...most importantly, pls dun jump to conclusion tt i am replying wif a long post bec u did nt support me...i am replying bec u ASSUME that i hate them...lastly, i m posting in the forum nt bec to gain support for my actions like u mentioned before, bt to seek advice...

i thk u for all the postings u ve contributed to this thread n apologies if i ve offended u in anyway...i hope our communication in future can be in terms of more positive tone...
 

holiday_ger

New Member
golddfish,

u r tinking too highly of urself.. do u tink u hv such great influence on me tat i will vent my anger on u? to be frank, whether u live or die is none of my business.

u keep saying how much u "LOVE" ur parents, but yet u r telling the whole world all the "bad" things they did to u? how irony???

of course u nvr say, but TATS THE IMPRESSION I GET FROM READING UR POSTINGS!

dun assume in the forum nobody will know ur identity. i'm sure there r ppl who knw ur family and happen to knw ur problem. they sure hv a better understanding of how "wicked" ur family are now..

well, anyway u r embarassing ur parents here, not mine.

good luck!
 

powder

Active Member
Ger,

u do sound like u're transposing your own personal frustrations from your sis' story on ggoldfish... for sure there's frustration n dismay, but if u're painting a picture of hatred for her parents then u might have serious comprehension issues.

nowhere have i felt tat she's shaming her parents.

loving your parents and sharing some of the negative things they do is not an irony nor contradiction, the whole thing is abt frustration. like how u're frustrated over your sis and painting a bad picture yourself... so i suppose u Hate your sis?

yeah, if u dun like me saying that, then look at yourself first. u're saying the same thing. and u're condescending in doing so.
 

laundry_woes

New Member
I'll hv to agree. Ger, you're putting a lot of words into ggoldfish's mouth. Juz coz u hv been on 1 side of the fence b4, u feel so strongly tat u forget the other side of the story. Parents may mean well, but they are only human. They can make wrong judgement calls too. Besides, a BGR is 1 tat I've always felt tat parents shld try only to play a supporting role in. Simply coz there is nothing they can do to protect their child in such an instance.

I hv no solutions for ggoldfish either. I dun envy her position. But the least u can do is not to use her as the object of ur frustration.
 


simpleman

Active Member
goldfish,

I have read your story on/off.

My comments: try to focus on the positive thing. Trying to find out why your parents don't like your bf may not be a good thing - it is too tiring.

Like the way you handle the lending of money. If you want to lent the money (from bf), don't ever mention it even if they have such thoughts. this lending of money may turn out to be a good thing provided you keep it under wraps. Instead you blurted out why they accept the money and not the gift - it is not a very nice way of telling your parents. So, in a way, it has a chance of getting your bf in their good books but you blew it.

Secondly your father faking illness. Yes, it may be true but why bother. Your father is just telling you indirectly that he don't like your bf and he is using all means (including faking illness). Just know it yourself and don't bother about it.

I have the feeling that you are trying too hard for your bf to gain acceptance. For now, avoidance or not doing much is better. Don't try to force any issue. Do it quietly and don't tell them too many things. Don't buy the moon-cake and say it is from your BF, say it is from you. You don't want to agitate them further. the harder you try now, the more they may react?

I believe with time and sincerity you can win them over. Just be patient and believe in what you are doing. As long as you love your parents and do the best for them as a daughter, you have every right to fight for your own happiness. Ultimately no one, even your parents who have brought you up for so many years can stop you from loving and marrying the man you want.
 

Top