Hi ggoldfish,
I can empathise with u. I met my love when I was 18 after JC and he was doing his attachment in poly. After that, I went on to law school NUS but academically, he didn't do so well and was retained in poly for 2 years. So we ended up graduating at the same time. Of course, as a 1st yr lawyer, my pay was more than his by almost double. My family is well-off and his family is unfortunately, not well-to-do at all. But it never mattered to me...I encouraged him to get a degree which he did, and supported him every step of the way.
My mum objected (my dad is dead)from the start too. She said he was not good enough for me. But he was a very devoted, sincere and loving man. When things spoilt in the house, he would fix it for me, he would also fetch me everywhere and spend lots of quality time with me. I loved him with all my heart, all my soul...nay, I adored him enough to lie to my mother and defy her instructions not to spend my life with him. I have had my own thoughts of defiance - I thought I would run away and have a wedding with him - just the 2 of us in greece or a nice church on some island. Even if the church were empty, so long I can be with my love, it never mattered to me. My mum threatened to disinherit me, she said if I married him, I would not only not get her blessing, but all the monies in the family would go to my sister, or to charity. I would not see single red penny. She kept telling me that he was not good enough, no matter how hard he tried, he could never please her. She always found fault, simply cos he was poor and less educated and earned lesser. She could not see how hard he was trying, when I tried to tell her, she would go hysterical and curse me. She said if she had known I would "throw away my future", she would not have let me go to university. She said if I was going to marry the son of a saleswoman in a store, I might as well work in a store. I remember that he bought cakes and pastries for us, when he started work. But there was 1 day when I brought home the pastries from Delifrance, she threw it all in the bin and called it rubbish from rubbish. She told me again and again he is not our kind of people.
And that really hurt me. I spent many days wondering what kind of people I belong to. Does background make such a big difference? Does educational level make such a big difference? The killer blow my mother struck me was to ask me if I was being fair to my own children if I were to marry him. She said if I marry someone who is so stupid, our children will be stupid too. She said no one in his family even lives in private, all taxi drivers, nurses, low-paying jobs, not like 90% of my relatives on dad and mum side who stay in private and are millionaires. She asked me how I could let down the entire family, how I could risk having my children having such lousy genes. That really hurt. I felt it was a low blow. To me, nothing mattered except being with him...and for children, I trust that this is God's gift. It is God's will if my children with him are normal or not. Not his genes.
But this is all I lived with for a long long time. One hand, all this negativity from my mum, and sometimes it ate at me...so when my love and I quarrelled as couples are bound to do, I ended up asking myself why I had to put up with him. Worse, I even repeated some of my mum's words back at him - I told him he should be grateful I was with him. In anger, in rage, in my frustration, I hurt him so cruelly...because I ended up resenting him for not being able to be who I wanted...someone my mum would accept and not someone my mum would drive me half mad over. My mum also told me that all men are cheaters and said I might as well marry a rich cheat than a poor cheat. Worse, in the case of a divorce, since I earn almost double what he does, I will not end up with a cent and have to support the kids. Sigh.
Needless to say, the relationship didn't work out. Words once said, cannot be taken back. I was not strong enough to stand up firm against my mum and not let everything she said eat away at me. I blame myself wholly, not her.
He found someone else in the end...someone, who as most people would say, is more his type. And he told me he is happier with her and they seldom quarrel. He wanted to come back to me but I told him no. It wasn't because I didn't love him, but precisely because I did. I know I can never give him that complete acceptance and approval that she and her family can. For most normal men, I believe having approval and acceptance of the girl and her family is very important. Which man wants to be made to feel they are not good enough? Which man wants to feel unwanted and unappreciated no matter how hard he tries.
All I am sharing from my own painful experience is that it's not easy for both sides, the man and the woman, to be together happily without the approval of both familes or one family. I was young, well I am not over hill yet, but yes, I was once young and defiant and I believed with all my heart the two of us would make it. I am not saying it is impossible but the two of you need to be doubly strong and give double the commitment for that to happen. And you see, ggoldfish, a relationship needs two. Not just one. For me, I was strong to the end but weak in the sense that I let my mum's words get to me and hurt the relationship. Don't let that happen. For him, he was weak and he chose to give up right at the last stage. He told me he was tired, so tired of being unappreciated and my mum's diapproval and he could not stand the fact that I repeated what my mum said to him. even in anger. So as I said, please don't make the same mistake as I do. If you choose to take your boyfriend despite your parent's disapproval, when you are quarrelling, please don't throw all this in his face. And your boyfriend needs to be strong in his love for you not to give up despite not receiving the approval from your family. U need to work doubly hard at encouraging him and building him up.
