Friends

[superduper]

Hi everyone,

Something is bothering me lately, I am feeling upset that some friends are giving really cold reaction when I told them that I'm getting married.

My best friend is always giving excuses that she is busy with work and each time I ask her for her comment, she will take 3days to reply my sms.

Another is telling me that she have to check her schedule and she might not be free to attend.

 

[powder]

do u notice this Only seems to ever happen with women?? it is either u're hyper-sensitive and perhaps sending them an sms on a monday morning... or they aren't as happy as u're expecting them to be.

depending on your age, mentality, profile, maturity etc - why shoud pple be happy that u're getting married - by default?

for me i'm indifferent, but if a 23yr-old guy/gal tells me he/she wants to get married, i'll be half-confused at the viability of that decision, and whether the motive was indeed what marriage sets out to be?

or they could all simply dislike your fiance, dislike u, or wonder why the hell u're getting married after a short courtship etc...

my fren got married on the day of the world cup final... i think only 2pple filled that table. we are all football fanatics, obviously in the world of men, it's very forgiveable to Not attend... becos wedding date can be changed, world cup final Cannot. another got married on christmas eve... Honestly, getting married on certain occasions shows how insensitive u are to your guests... family comes first, so obviously i'd be with family having turkey n honeybaked ham instead of a wedding having chinese 10-course dinner!

there are thousands of reasons... explore yourself first. starting from your fiance, to how u introduced him to your frens, to whether he was ever approved by your groupie, to whether u kept rubbing your relationship all over their faces, to whether u have neglected them once u got attached, and only trying to employ their help when u need them now.

Frenship is 2-way, and requires a constant flow of sincerity... it is in the nature of your gender not to bond the way men do, and thus female bonds require much more maintenance and frequency than males.

reflect on yourself first. normally if u're not popular across the board, the higher chance is that it's You.

 

[cottonball]

hypertonic, are you best friends currently attached or married? If they are still single.. maybe, they feel happy & envy but at the same time, feeling jealous? That's why they gave excuses.

Try to show them more concern.. dont let them feel neglected while you are going to be a happy bride.

 

[xinyue]

I do face similar problem.. the minute I tell my friends I am attached. They all shun me.. even when I take initiative to ask them out, they will say ok.. but upon meeting, they will bombard me with qns like - dont you have to accompany ur bf? u dont need to ask us out.. do you want to leave now, etc. These friends of mine, we meet up 3~4 times a year before I was attached. After I was attached, I still do ask them out 3~4 times a year but after their bombarding, I reduce it to once a year.. My bestie, was happy for me when I told her I am getting married.. But ever since, she has become my amplifier, telling our friends that I am married and this in turn, cause those friends to question me why they are not invited.. On top of that, my bestie has been teasing me endlessly and I felt that she has gone overboard..

 

[bobochacha]

could be jealous or envy ba..

i got a best friend who told me she wana wear something to outshine me at my wedding eh..

 

[xinyue]

agreed that she is jealous.. but she indeed has gone overboard by asking me very personal questions about me and hubby.. I did not answer her but would like to put a stop to all her bullshits.. Been ignoring her teasing-gone-overboard.. but felt that this (ignoring) is not a way to handle it.

 

[simpleman]

Faint..

 

[powder]

and that's why female frenships of such nature Dun Last...

it's so competitive and comparisons seems to be the order of the day... and it gets personal. why can't it be turned into something a whole lot more positive? like having a fren a few years ahead of u can mean that u have someone close to offer u advice on wedding, marriage, childbirth, kids etc?

clothes to outshine? jealousy? envy?

is getting married something that should even draw such emotions other than being happy for a Fren? or being sad (if u think he/she's marrying the wrong person)? maybe for guys there's just a tinge of envy if a fren marries some hot babe, but it's just a "lucky guy! married a hot babe" thingie... and ends there...

why is there a need to drag an emotion so negatively on 1 person getting married over an extended period?

i'm under the impression that frenships are destroyed upon marriage in the female world...

 

[bobochacha]

hehe no ah powder..i am still in gd terms with my best friend..

i am shocked on hearing wat she told me..but there's no way she can outshine me also coz i was the bride..all attention will be me also..unless she dressed like Lady Gaga..tat i hv nothing to say..anyway she dressed normal on tat day also..haha

but i hv seen some gals (nt the brides) wearing super revealing clothes..and another one i tot its the bride sister..end up just friends nia..coz she was wearing white pom pom dress with a tiara..her hairdo was nicer then the bride..haha

 

[laundry_woes]

U know my ROM hor, a lot of my frens put aeroplane at the last minute & din turn up leh. I was so upset tat I called my partner to ask if he was still turning up. If not, we cancel. But then hor, mebbe he dun turn up better. Then we wouldn't be divorced today.

 

[simpleman]

laundry,

Who ask you never invite me.. else i sure will be there..

 

[laundry_woes]

Coz I dunno u then mah. I not so cheapskate as to invite strangers yet.

 

[blackcat]

I have a few friends who are unhappy about me getting attached and going to be married, because my fiance is of a different religion as I am. I don't even know if I should invite them for my wedding now.

 

[powder]

i have too many frens, so i decided not to have a wedding... but that's not the point, i'm just so perturbed that envy n jealousy seem to be part of feelings when frens get married... what is wrong?

i would think some pple are envious of a bachelorette's life too! i mean if i could live both the life of a bachelor and married man - i'd be so happy! is marriage soooooo desirable to the point of evoking these feelings?

laundee, i would turn up. if your hubby didn't i can always replace him, no issues... u'll look better if i walked down with u... u'll be the envy of many women... they would be jealous of u.... yeah yeah yeah... and the guys would just go "lucky ass...." see the gender difference in thoughts???!!!

 

[laundry_woes]

Wah. Powder, u superfren lah. Can do the replacement groom thing somemore. But it's ok lah. I juz grab another groom at ROM lor. Can prove my superiority over other chaboh somemore. I win!

 

[miloice]

Such friendships are high maintenance man. How soon to reply SMS and everything will also lead into so much reading by the friend. DAMN SCARY!

 

[powder]

yup, that's me, a superfren! putting all my wealth at the mercy of the women's charter...

 

[laundry_woes]

U won't hv much wealth left after I'm done wif u. Mwahahah... Aren't u glad my ex turned up?

 

[bobochacha]

haha..i think its only marriage we can see the true colors..

some already long ago sent the invitations..then still can last min cannot make it..faint..

or those asked their whole family down..but gave a miserable amt of ang bao..

or bros and jie mei being difficult..or turned up late

etc etc etc..

 

[xinyue]

powder > I do have fren who is years ahead of me, (i.e. married, with kids). I was told by this friend that friendships (especially between opposite sex) are normally destroyed upon marriage..

I also dun understand why is there a need to drag an emotion so negatively on 1 person getting married over an extended period?

Btw, my bestie was the one who intro my hubby to me..

 

[its_fate]

Then too bad lor. Have a marriage but Break a Frienship. Afterwhich break the marriage and want to find back friendship? Sounds Absurd??!!

Is there a say that goes:
女人=感性动物
男人=ç†æ€§åŠ¨ç‰©

 

[powder]

Chris, i think the true colours of frens comes much earlier... and not at marriage. by the time u're at marriage, the right frens should be the right frens... pple who can - fly back to attend your wedding without u asking... and enthusiastic to share in your joy. If your frens are otherwise, then i would call it a poor judgment of character.

well belinda, it's part of the psyche... i never like to make a gender war but it's something i have noticed to affect mostly the ladies... guys actually dun end frenships over these. we're still hanging out even tho we chose the world cup over the frens' wedding... how can frens NOT understand?

 

[sgbabydoll]

I don't quite understand why must announce that you are attached?

This is a woman's thing. Men don't go around making such announcements, I think.

 

[its_fate]

Doll - To make known to others "you" are not left on the shelves.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Before you start to suspect that your gfs are jealous of you, look into the mirror first lah haha why you wanna "announce" lor.

 

[salsa_babe]

Jealous for what?

 

[sgbabydoll]

It's in their imagination.

 

[simpleman]

powder,

I am the opposite.. I choose friends over world-cup.. but then.. it is a matter of perspective.. either way, friends should understand why people make certain decisions.. it could be world cup, it could be many other things... don't have to explain.. the tacit understanding is there

Not that soccer is not important to me.. it is but we act accordingly..

 

[powder]

oh it's really impt to us, and we warned him of the dates liao! haha... so wat to do?

 

[bobochacha]

power..eh my best friends tat i asked to be jie meis ah..as friends..they are always puntual for meeting but end up late for my gatecrushing..then another one who is always late for meeting is the 1st to arrive for my gatecrushing..keke

 

[powder]

i would never put my frens in a position where they might offend me... think abt what i said...

 

[miloice]

What's alarming is the need to read into things. This is the very reason why friendships are hard to sustain. No benefit of the doubt is given and every minor issue is taken negatively.

 

[superduper]

I did not ask my best friend to help out cause she told me she had done twice and she can't do 3rd time.

The other that I mentioned is telling me she is very busy with her religion work and god is her priority.
So my jiemei are mostly men =)

 

[miloice]

Actually, such folks doesn't understand the meaning of priority. Priority doesn't mean ignoring and casting aside everything else.

A faith and religion doesn't need to fix dates. That's blind faith. Your friend can be completely faithful to her religion without losing balance or neglecting friends. Likewise, many people tend to lose their personal time and life after marriage. They force each other to remain committed to do everything together.

Such union isn't productive. There is absolutely no synergy. Note that I'm speaking of this generally. Not pinpointing your marriage since you didn't share much about your marriage either.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hypertonic, just take it as it is. No need to analyse so deep. You will be happier.

 

[superduper]

ya doll, I guess I have to then.

Then should I ask her again if she is attending? I just message her 'Hi' and she told me she is busy again.

 

[powder]

i think in future, all frenships will be via FB, SMS and u never need to see each other...

seriously i'll just pick up the darn phone, call and say, "Siao-eh, i getting married 29/may, it's a saturday... ROM u no need to come, but dinner u die die must come, the rest of the guys all Onz liao, if i need u to be brother u ok or not? the bridesmaid i see liao, buay-pai quite chio..."

and then u just take it from there... free not free, can be brudder cannot. if cannot reply at that point, then just say "ok i call u next wed to confirm your attendance, u just need to tell Onz or not. dinner die die must come unless u overseas bo-pian".

 

[superduper]

Truly speaking, I haven't seen her a long time. She is always telling me she is busy when I ask her out or even for a simple dinner (she stays nearby). We used to chat on the phone for hours during the school days but now we have no common topic to talk about.
She don't talk about shopping, relationship, food except her religion and I'm free thinker. When I tried to find a topic to talk about e.g work, she will tell me work is confidential.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hypertonic, I don't typically reply to text message with just a "Hi". Looks to me an incomplete text message that is accidentally sent hehe

Anyhow, sounds more like you have a past best friend.

 

[powder]

well hyper,

if it's all in the past, it's all in the past... she's not a recent best fren, is she? doesn't sound like a fren u'd wanna have as a bridesmaid either... likely to offend others.

if u dun have a current groupie, then it's tough...

PS : she's not that into u, and no longer into u...

 

[xinyue]

my bestie is somewhat like your friend.. She also don't talk about shopping, relationship, food except her religion and I'm free thinker.

 

[xinyue]

hyper > when r u getting married?

 

[sgbabydoll]

No common topics/interest and no mutual respect for the differences - How you and your bestie became best friends in the first place is quite mindboggling stuff.

Even if over the years you guys have lost touch on each other’s pace in life, as in you have outgrown the love and bonding with each other, please move on. You can “downgrade†her to a regular friend instead of crowning her the bestie title and then fault her for not being able to fulfill bestie duties.

 

[simpleman]

Seriously, I don't know what is bestie? or worstie?

Even for a general friend, I can just call up a friend for a drink or coffee.. it will not take months..

And for wedding date well in advance, not able to make it or not even sure?

I guess time for people to evaluate their friends..

 

[xinyue]

ops.. typo here.. my bestie was like your friend.. we did have things to talk about.. but all these changes ever since we started working.. and she started to talk more about her religion.

 

[powder]

agree with sm,

i dun wish to hurt anyone's feelings... but if your bestie WAS your bestie in 1999 and u have not been exactly having a bestie-relationship for the past 3-4yrs... i think the term should cease to exist. to me it's just a fashionable statement...

u need to evaluate what kind of frenships u have in the first place and whether it is one of coffee/hi-tea and meetups like in 'sex in the city', or isit one of always being there thru'out the low periods... some pple are only in the frenship to make themselves look good.

my best-fren calls me at 0100hrs due to a flat tyre - i go. my best fren is drunk at ktv and calls me at 0330hrs - i go. my best fren has a tiff with his wife - his wife calls me, and he also calls me... if he is overseas and his mum needs help - i go.

That's frenship... not the one where u hang at double-o every week, nor the type where u regularly go k-box with, nor the type u celebrate bdays with and dress to your nines, nor the type u spend time on facebook exhaulting types...

i think the definition is warped, therefore the expectations are not even met.

 

[powder]

belinda, when did u guys start working and how far back? we can't live on memories cos i have a best fren when i was in kindergarten too, but i totally forget her name and have no way of contacting her unless she still goes by her dialect name... and if i met her, i doubt we can go deeper into conversations becos we've lived very different lives.

 

[miloice]

as mentioned earlier.... your friend has some weird concept of priority. Someone that prioritize doesn't lose sight of balance and various aspects of their lives. They are able to maximize their time having a healthy mix.

When one places God or religion in their lives, it doesn't mean the world stops spinning. Life goes on. We still need to function as normal. Its about integrating their faith into their lives instead of losing their lives.

She is no idea what is prioritizing and time management. Or maybe, its really just an excuse. Either way, its pretty clear, it not possible to maintain the friendship one way. It takes 2 to tango.

So, forget it.

 

[simpleman]

Milo,

In a general sense I would agree with you but NO, it does not mean extremely religious people has a weird sense of priority.

They may not seem to have a "balance" life like us but who are we to judge if they are living in a unhealthy mix?

For us, we want balance and a little of everything in moderation.. that is our choice. For others it may be a little extreme (in our view) but it does not mean they don't have a balance. Their view of balance is different.

Of course when we have friends in which the priorities are not very much in sync.. the connection is not there.. therefore most probably the friendship will suffer..

 

[sgbabydoll]

People don't go to church to worship only. They socialise, serve, learn, do voluntary work, etc. We can't say they have no life. They just do many things at one place.