Finding it hard to accept the truth but what is the truth?

nikeplus

New Member
Hi All,

I never thought i'll post here but i need you guys as a sounding board. Four months ago, i met Guy A and B (both friends) at a club. We exchanged contact numbers and i initiated chat with Guy A and it became a daily affair. Guy B messaged me occasionally and i reply though not as enthusiastically as Guy A. Both me and Guy A enjoyed each other's bantering over text messages. A month later, he voiced his dislike of me chatting with Guy B. Jealousy is probably a strong word to use but it was then i realised he might be interested in me. I probed further and he said he likes me but is definitely not love. Since there is a "match", I confessed my positive feelings to him. I also suggested we should get to know each other on a more personal level. A date was arranged a week later. On the day of the date, before we were supposed to meet up, I found out that he had argued with Guy B on the same day he voiced his dislike of me texting with his friend. He told Guy B to stop chatting with me and to delete my number. We never met because Guy B sabotaged our date.

I became more proactive in my pursuit for Guy A. Initiating daily text messages which he replied, occasional chit chats over the phone which he answered, asking him out but always getting the "see how, maybe, cannot confirm" replies. Friends have been telling me if a guy likes you, he will come forth to you. He's just not that into you. I was in denial and still am.

Lately, he has been telling me we can only be friends. When questioned, he said he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now. He mentioned it to me again last night when i asked him when he will be free to meet up. My world came crashing down. I told him i know he doesn't like me and i cant force him to like me. He said he likes me but is not love. Of course it isn't love since we aren't even dating. I don't know if i'm finding excuse for him, I gathered that he is fond of me yet not enough to commit. Or something is holding him back.

1. If he doesn't like me, he wouldn't argued with his friend over me. That was 4 months ago and things probably have changed.
2. We finally went out proper last Sunday. He questioned who i went out with the day before, whether it was a guy or a gal. Though he sound possessive, it also meant that he "cares" about me. On our way home, I asked if this is considered a date and if there will be a 2nd date, he said yes, depending on his work schedule. He further added that he enjoyed himself today. Maybe he doesn't know how to say No. However, the next time we texted, he told me we can only be friends.

I'm confused. He gave me hope yet he crashed it the next instant. I know the simplest solution is to walk away. Trust me, i have been trying to peel myself away from him. It's a losing battle. I am also starting to be annoyed with my persistence towards him, not to mention him yet he still reply my text messages. Why does he still reply my message even though he insist it's a one sided affair?
 


matka

Member
Hi LT, I feel you should pursue other options. Both guys don't sound anywhere mature to me.

At least from your description so far.

You are probably better off without such a roller coaster ride. If you really want one, it's better that you go to Universal Studios. Cheaper, no emotional heartache.

Like your friends say, he's just not that into you. Pull yourself away from him before it becomes an obsession.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Before exploring any further... you need to realize one thing. This man is possessive. The jealousy and control mentality, shutting off competition in a dominating manner.

Think again. Is this what you need?

The way I see it, he likes you... but he love his stupid ego and image of a gal more. To him, u r not decent enough... flirting with 2 men. Dump this idiot.
 

red_garnet

New Member
You guys aren't even dating exclusively and he doesn't like you to talk to or go out with other guys? And, on top of that, says that the two of you can only be FRIENDS?

It's not that he doesn't know how to say 'no'. He just wants you to hang on to him. He loves the ATTENTION from you.

Possessiveness doesn't equate to love. Drop him like a hot potato and delete his number.
 

tomasulu

Member
good advice is usually hard advice so here goes: don't get involved with people whose behavior can't be explained by social norms. it doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does or why he is who he is. if his actions don't pass the smell test, avoid him like a timeshare salesman with body odor.
 

powder

Active Member
u are not his first choice becos...

he is married, or
he is attached, and/or
he is trying to makan outside....

anyway possessive guys should be left out of any equation... especially those with weird behaviours...
 

nikeplus

New Member
Hi Guys,

Appreciate your time writing to me. If this scenario had happened to a friend, I would have advise her against it and be pretty disgusted with Guy A. However, it's a case of mind knows the answer but heart is weak. Who prevails? Heart! Trust me, the mind is a powerful tool. It can refuse to see the light when the light is obscenly glaring.

I texted him if i disappear from his life, how would he feel? His reply "Do it". Another stab in my heart. I dont intend to contact him anymore. Nothing is more important than self love and self respect. I dont know how long i'll be able to hold back though. I dont want to be completely out of his mind.

Another dumb part of me reasoned if i am persistent enough, he will be moved by my sincerity one day? Is it going to happen?

What i hate is he being so irresponsible with his words/actions. If he doesnt intend to pursue a relationship, make it known right from the start. Dont show his "jealousy" and "posessiveness". Dont give empty hope with his words like "if we get together one day", "if i dont have time for you, you mean you will go out with other guys?" "i will give up 10 yrs of my life for you to be my wife". Be indifferent.

He once said to me he never believes in platonic friendship between a guy and a gal. When he said we can only be friends, i asked if he's sure. How contridicting. I'm confused. I no longer know what is the truth anymore.
 

powder

Active Member
trust u, the mind is a powerful tool?

u're basically in denial and forcing your mind to accept what your heart wants here, slapping your mind's logic and common sense+interpretation, and You are telling pple to trust u that the mind is a powerful tool whilst u're abusing it and steering it towards a choice and decision that is bad at it's foetal stages...

ya right. your title already mentions 'the truth' and here u are denying it.

ok ok, u got him, he is so fcuking in love with u so he's playing it so abolutely opposed in action... yeah it's the new wave of love that is taking the world by storm in 2011...

there u have it. your strong mind is forcing the bloody admission out of me. good on ya, mate.. good on ya...
 

snoopies

New Member
TS,

Just stop contacting this guy for good. It is very obvious that he is NOT into you. Or probably YES he was when you both just met at the club and since you're still fresh in his list, he was gaga over you for that moment.

But this don't last long as by another week or 2, he prob had met someone NEW at the club and was obsessed with another gal, whom he is more willing to give up his 10yrs of life to. He is just keeping his options open all the while to keep you hanging while he makes his choices among a FEW. He had decided his choice and you're EXPIRED therefore he dun mind you to disappear from his life.

Or he may be just another player who enjoys flirting ard, and when he sensed the gal starts falling for him.. he will stopped the game and prefer to run away.

Move on.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"He once said to me he never believes in platonic friendship between a guy and a gal."

Precisely WHY he is so possessive. He thinks everyone is out to eat u just like him. He cannot take the competition and blames you for it. He is really a loser.

It is not the heart that prevails. Trust me.... everyone gone through this phase. You are not alone. All the excuse that its hard to be make the right decision, etc. Its bullshit u give yourself to hang on. When you eventually decide to put a stop to it, its amazingly simple to let go. Just that before you reach that step, u will always struggle. Its completely normal.

How long you want to dwell in it, u can do something about it. Cut off the contact and move on. That's the best way to get over it. Stop your excuses. It doesn't help u.
 

nikeplus

New Member
doll, good question. That is the question I have been asking myself.

This morning, I decided enough is enough. I told him I'm sorry I cannot remain friends with him anymore. If he wants to help me, he should put me on the road to healing. No loss to him anyway. When I decided to let go, he is pulling me back. What the...!
 

sydnie

New Member
Hi Nike,

He senses he is losing you so of course he would pull you back...do not, I repeat, DO NOT give in.
The ball is in your court now so if it's a game this guy is playing, play yours well.

You can either ignore him (best option) or tell him what a douchebag he is and all the reasons why you're done with him (just for kicks)

After that, I suggest you cut off all ties with him unless he agrees to act like an adult.
 

powder

Active Member
nike+,

isn't he the one brushing u off? if he's the one who is asking u to be out of his life, by answering your initial probings...

how would telling him this morning display anything other than your lack of understanding, as to who is standing where???

i'm getting the idea that he is brushing u off becos u're socially-inept.

Kylie seems to have declared that with her 1st post.
 

nikeplus

New Member
Well powder, i told him so he can convey to his friends to stop texting me. If you must know, he gave my no to his friends without my permission. Since i dont want to remain friends with him, i dont want to be in contact with his friends.

Out of courtesy, i told him i'll unfriend him on facebook since i'm no longer comfortable sharing my life with him and i want to make a clean break.
 
why women always behave like going shopping when they choose who to date ?

it is just date, why take so seriously ? if he hs fun with you, you also can have fun with him. why not ?

date suppose to be light, fun and enjoyable. i can tell you are really not yourself when dealing with man. so many drama.

lady, life is not a movie. it is real and short.
 

powder

Active Member
shucks, that sucks... seems u've been labelled as "easy". and he is passing your number around...

u might like to consider how u behaved to give these signals away. he may have been interested initially becos u seem easy, but when it gets too easy, the challenge is lost and there's no kick liao. then u get abit pushy and he's totally running away from u...

i guess it got so bad he'd rather give your number away and have his frens do him the favour of wooing u.

dun mind me, seems that way actually...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Nike, do you know what the most effective way of communicating with men? It is not words but action. Just walk away instead of giving any "last" words. Why bother what reaction he gives when you have your mind made up? Unless you haven't and those "last" words were said to be held back.
 

powder

Active Member
oh, it's normal... this type easiest to woo, and hard to dump with peace...

and u know they're reading your facebook, so u know exactly how to get them on the hook.
 

nikeplus

New Member
powder, it is easy for you to assume and i dont blame you. You should really get to know me personally ;)

If i'm labelled as easy, i would have gotta much more experience in the love department and wouldnt be seeking opinions here and getting slammed at. If i'm that easy, do you think i'll be dumb to pay for his food and movie when we go out?

Alrighty, I have opened the flood gates. Bring it on!
 

powder

Active Member
i dun get fun poking u... but just thinking aloud to let u derive something... be it your initial enthusiasm or behaviour... gotta learn to play the game abit, but not overplay the game.

the problem nowadays is mainly with the cyber-connections... pple reading one another via facebook and the like. u dun actually get to know a person nor be able to make the right call... feeling is impt, and u prob need more than a couple of outings to determine if the fella is real, or if it's just a front.

i have a daughter who will be running this in another decade or so, so i dun take pleasure in your predicament. unfortunately, there's no way of dressing it up nicely when the truth hurts more often than not.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hard facts isn't for slamming. But to drive through the honest truth for your own good. There is no sugar coating... that's what guys do when they are trying to woo u. When the fish has bite on the bait, that's when they let go. The fish just isn't big enough to keep them interested and challenged, they just throw it right back in the river. No one is wooing u here... its a wake up call from your need to hang to his every little reactions. Why do you even bother anymore what he does? If needed, close this fb account and invite your true friends to the new account.

Open your heart only when u have eventually found the right and sincere one. You need to know how to protect yourself against the predators in the field.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"If i'm that easy, do you think i'll be dumb to pay for his food and movie when we go out?"

Girl, you were being taken for a joy ride lah. He was definitely not interested in you but set out to make you think he was for reasons only he knows.

No respectable man will allow a girl to pay for the first date entirely if he is interested in her and that her opinion of him would have mattered. He can't be that dumb to leave you to imagine that he is stingy, ungentlemanly, poor, ill-mannered, etc.
 

snoopies

New Member
It actually puzzled me why do you actually need to inform him that you cannot be friends with him. You both are not even close to begin any form of relationship (I don't even deem this as friendship), and I really find you being so drama mama to tell him things like you ''no longer comfortable sharing my life with him and i want to make a clean break''. You mentioned him pulling you back? Well, another move to keep you hanging ard to entertain him whenever he feel bored.

Be street smart dear lady, just end it smartly and wisely. Even if he do not have the least interest with you, at least gain some respect for yourself. The next thing you might know that he probably sharing tales and jokes of you with his friends every time you contact him. They probably even place their bets on how far this game can lead to.

I hope if this is really a game, it will end only at this point. Be cautious if he ever gg to date you out coz he probably just want to bed you off and then shake you off. He don't lose anything anyway.
 

tomasulu

Member
nike+, i don't see any value in over analysing his erratic behavior. perhaps he has a medical condition or maybe he is psychotic. whatever it is, it doesn't really matter. he is not right for you, he has even told you so. count yourself lucky that you haven't invested more than you have. at least he didn't become so after you two have hooked up.

just move on.
 

sydnie

New Member
Okay, think the poor girl has been reprimanded enough. Nike, you should know what to do by now.

I'm starting to think that maybe Guy B might have been the more sincere party right from the beginning. You could maintain contact with Guy B but leave it as "friends" because he's still friends with Guy A and you don't wanna stir shit all over again ya?
 

powder

Active Member
guy B is not even in the equation, just a convenient mention.

makes more sense dating other Guys out of the equation.
 

carlislesg

New Member
Both of them are not worth of your attention. Keep away from them. The ocean is wide there are many fish out there.
 

susanna_low

New Member
so far i hv not known anyone being in a serious r/s with someone tat they noe in places like club or pub..friends okie...more than tat..NOPE..
f-buddy, NSA, flings yes...which i find it meaningless to indulge in such activities.
 

simpleman

Active Member
We can't be too presumptuous about the type of people that we meet at pubs or clubs. What can't they be more than friends just because the place where they first met?

But anyway, I find this highly ridiculous. Guy does not show much interest in her - just teasing her and yet she has the gall to not to be friends with him. Obviously people must be laughing off their chairs.

And why for whatever sake, why we need to tell people that I don't want to be friends with you..when in the first place they aren't really good friends anyway. And also to tell people don't pass around my number to your friends because I if I don't want to be friends with you, I don't want to be friends with your friends.

If you don't like people calling or SMS you.. just ignore... so unless it is harassment.. then that is a different story.
 

simpleman

Active Member
What is bad place to begin with?

So you meet someone in Church it means that you will live happily ever after?

And bad people at that - who are they?
 

nikeplus

New Member
Hi Guys,

Thank you all for your advice. Everytime I felt like contacting him, I will check back on this thread to remind me why I should not. Guess what? Letting go is much easier than I thought.

Everyone deserves happiness.
 

tomasulu

Member
technically, you were let go. what you are trying to do is not to indulge in further humiliation in a hopeless situation. that's still somewhat admirable i suppose.

just trying to help!
 

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