Financial matters between husband & wife

[princess_lee]

Sometimes I can't help feeling bitter about it.

My husband used to brag on how much he spent on his ex. - expensive meals, hundreds of dollars on her clothing, cab her to & fro blah blah blah blah. Dun see he spend that much on me.

Never mind that, now we're married. I'm paying 70% of the household bills though I earn lesser than him. Cos he says he has credit cards bills & personal loan to pay. Wherever we go, it always A-A system.

I'm not expecting him to pay everything but seeing him being this calculative, it's just so annoying. Now we are in our 10th year, he even dun bother to buy us a new pair of wedding band despite my numerous 'open hints'. That time we registered, we only get a pair of those silver couple rings, now turns rusty liao. I dun need some fancy diamond ring. I just hope that he can make me feel more appreciated.

 

[vios]

princess_lee,

since he was bragging in your eyes, then all the more u don't have to compare lah...
if it was factual, then u gotta factor in the different circumstances, anyway.

but i do think that his reasons are rather lame... in a marriage, who doesn't have to pay monthly cc bills and loans, probably except for some cases?

personally, i don't feel comfortable getting my wife to pay 20% of the household, let alone 70% - and if she has to, i will really need to freaking buck up.

 

[princess_lee]

Vio, if only my husband can think like you, how good will that be!

Many times, I try to convince myself don't let these money issues to get in our way but it's just evitable. Imagine, he can wail that he bought grocery for like $30, he expect me to pay half but when i buy, he just diam diam. this pattern really 'chao kuan' dun you agree.

Then few months back he was down with chickenpox and I bought 'ling yang' for him. When he knew how much it cost, he immediately yelled at me for buying such 'expensive' stuff and said he won't pay a single cent for it. Funny thing is that I din even ask him to pay, so I get scolded for nothing *sigh*

One thing really bothers me - in another couple of years our flat will mature. In a few occasions, he joked that he should get more share in the cash proceedings from the sale of flat cos during the downpayment, he gives more cpf!! After listening to these, I can't help feeling he's taking advantage of me.

He wasn't like that before we married but he will tell me stories of his friends or colleagues who divorced and ends up with nothing.

Do you think that's why he's so calculative with me? He scare one day he will end up that way too? If it's that case, it just so unfair to me! Cos I really put effort in our marriage but he's saving up for a backup plan.

 

[mark78]

We need to look at how much is the house hold expenses. Let say.. if the couple are earning like 1.5k each and the joint house hold expenses is 1.2k. Isn't it oxymoron for him to bear all the house hold expenses and only have less than 500 to make end meets. Sorry.. this is the situations i will definitely ask my partner to help.

I am happy to provide within the means, however there are days that joint effort is needed to solve the issue.

But ofcoz paying wife to pay half of 30 dollar for grocery is abit too much.

 

[vios]

princess_lee,

it's just weird that some guys marry, and becomes financially-guarded with every sort of household expenses, provided that it's not dire straits.

well, that could be the real reason for his extremely-calculative nature. i guess he's easily influenced by friends/groupies, and it's similar to people who labeled all PRC women as husband-stealers from the hearsays.

without careful thoughts, their judgement thus becomes clouded.

 

[miloice]

hi vios, actually its not just about being financially guarded. What is really frustrating is the guarding is against their spouse. i.e. they are calculative and selfish towards the person they married.

imho, these folks are calculative in the very 1st place. Its just that during all the emotions and romance, their nature takes the backseat and they are exceptionally generous for their nature. And when life goes back to normal after marriage, they are back to their usual personality and behaviors. i.e. these folks were subconsciously putting on the front to impress their mates.

 

[princess_lee]

Right on spot, Milo!! You know if we go eat in restaurant, he won't allow me to pay him in front of the cashier but he will chase for it right after we step out of the restaruant.

Just awhile ago, he ask me for tonight dinner money COS he paid my share for past 2 meals. want to know what I had?? chicken rice & economical rice. really buay tahan!!

Out of angry, I told him that I want 70% of the cash proceedings from the sale of flat cos i have been paying 70% of the household bills =P you should have seen his face LOL he quickly offer to share the bills EQUALLY...... I really speechless......

 

[powder]

i can't even keep such frens for a minute and u married him for a lifetime... good luck. it's your choice to stay, it's your choice to marry him, it'll be your choice to leave him...

life is abt choices. the options are alays open to u...

 

[princess_lee]

hai-yo if I were to know he will be like that after married, I also won't married him LOL.

But then, if take away the stingy & calculative parts, he's actually not that bad. Just that I dunno long much longer can I take.

Whenever I bring up this topic, he always says becos he has loans & credit cards bills to pay and his expenditure is bigger too. He smokes, you see. Ciggies not cheap. I also dunno why I will take in his craps. He must have cast a spell on me.

Can anyone teach me a trick or two to get him changed? Ok lah, maybe change is too much to ask, I will be contended so long he 'improve' his attitude can liao.

 

[miloice]

if his budget is tight because of biz or investments, it could be understandable. But, to be this calculative for another cigarette? He is quite an ass if u ask me.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Can anyone teach me a trick or two to get him changed? Ok lah, maybe change is too much to ask, I will be contended so long he 'improve' his attitude can liao."

Improve? That's quite a fat hope leh. Think better that you hope for status quo, that is, no deteroriation.

 

[siobhanlee]

I think your spouse is taking you for granted. Even though he earns more than you, he justifies you having to fork out more for household bills and daily expenses just because of his own loans & credit card bills and because he has to feed his cigarette habits. Do you exactly know the nature of his loans? Is he indeed paying his credit card bills or is he actually incurring more debts and purchasing more on credit (so it has now become an endless cycle). It does seemed to be so because he cant have been spending the last 10 years servicing his loans and have not even cleared it.

If you allow this to continue, he will persist with this attitude. You either throw down the gauntlet or just accept that this is gonna be the situation for the rest of your marriage.

Honestly, I won't be able to live with someone so calculative..

 

[simpleman]

Teach your a trick or two?

Perhaps you can try to pull his trick on him... Everything calculate with him.. even sex you can charge him (ha ha a bit extreme though..)

 

[thommy]

princess_lee: I admire ur patience in staying with ppl like him really, I dun think I can live with someone that calculative if I were u.

if I had the means to, I will def want to contribute more to the household than my wife, I was brought up with this traditional thinking that men are the sole breadwinners in the family. However circumstances sometimes dun allow us to, sad to say.

 

[miloice]

well... often, we bring into the marriage with expectations from our own influences. Some with traditional thinking, others with more individualistic and self-centered (and interest). There is no one right way. To many, its generosity, to some others, it could be careless spending.

Just choose our partners with both eyes wide opened. Don't be short-changed in life.

One can hide their flaws only for this long. Eventually, time and situations will reveal the truth about people.

 

[pinktweet]

princess, a trick for you:
Whenever he calculative with you (eg. as you repay him back for food, etc), you blackface him and deprive him of sex, tell him you no mood cos he stingy .. hahaha..

 

[pinktweet]

milo, your words only applicable to those who are not yet married .. for us who are married, too late liao lo .. time cannot reverse ..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Wah, PinkTweet, why ask the wife to cheapen herself? By the way, a lot of things can be "reversed", "undone" or "U-turned", except youth and death.

 

[vios]

princess_lee,

i think you shld change your nick liao, cos i'm sure he's going to live on you someday.

it's deeply embedded in him liao.... regardless of tricks or hope, it's still going to take a lot of effort to "remind" him abt his "gek gao" behaviour for Now.

 

[miloice]

Actually the mindset that it cannot be reversed basically position ourselves with no bargaining power.

The rice is cooked, too late. She is stuck with me regardless, So, why do you think he bother to buck up? I agree with Doll, many things can be reversed and undone. We are letting our time & youth slip. These are the true things that cannot be reversed. Its your life your call.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sometimes it's easier to change spouse than to have your spouse change his/her ways. But this will not work if your judgement of character does not improve over time.

 

[princess_lee]

SM, if I charge him for sex?? Doesn't that make me a wh***?? -.-'''

Thomas, I also admire my patience. Maybe love is blind??

Pink, tried your method before. Failed. Cos next day he will do something to make me laugh then everything ok liao. I always been weak in arguments.

Vios, thanks for the reminder. Can help think a suitable nick =P

Doll/Milo, the thoughts of divorce did come across before. But divorce over this matter seems to be a making mountain out of the mole??

We actually talked about this issue a few times, well he told me after he get the cash proceeding from the sale of flat, he will be able to settle his loans & credit card bills. Then our next flat, he will cover all the household bills.

I won't say that his planning is wrong but it bothers me that he always give himself the easy option w/o considering me. Many times it's always his dreams, his wants. When I tell him that, it normally escalates into arguments. Then he will start saying those hurtful words like "why not we divorce" "I didn't force you to marry me"

This is so frustrating!

 

[miloice]

princess, it could be a mountain to one and a mole to another. So, I cannot answer that. only u can answer if its acceptable for you.

To me, its quite a mountain. I do not tolerate my partner being this calculative with me. It will definitely affect our relationship.

 

[simpleman]

princess,

not a whore.. because you only have sex with him.

But seriously, you can just tell him everything is 50/50 split.. actually not 50/50 split but in the proportion of the pay.

 

[sgbabydoll]

SM, he is likely to tell her that he can also charge her back for sex, given his mentality. No need to even argue since he seems to have a way with her.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Princess, if it's a molehill why does it bother you so much so that you started a thread? Don't deceive yourself lah.

 

[princess_lee]

It bothers me, just that so far not to the extend of really go to the lawyer to apply for divorce. Maybe I hoping one day he will wake up realizing it's wrong of him to be calculative, then all's well ends well LOL. No fight no tears no pain no anger. See, if I can talk to him on this issue again to make him see the light. Wish me luck ya.

 

[powder]

ahhh.... Hope.

as i have not checked my toto ticket, there's still hope that i could be a millionaire...

tonite i sleep with dreams as one....

 

[sgbabydoll]

It is not a matter of right or wrong to be calculating. It's part of a person's personality, a habit, a way of life, or whatever you call it. Just like you being dreamy and passive, not wrong also but it's not working to your advantage in life. If you can't even change yourself, do you seriously think you can change him?

 

[vios]

what about zena_lee?

she's princess, and is also a warrior. She fights for herself, and the needy. Certainly not based on Hope.

come to think of it, there's a forum member who likens herself to that. hahahaha.

 

[princess_lee]

You mean Xena, Vio? I seen that show before, used to be one of my fav TV dramas.