Feeling so down this week,,,,,

[whitefantasy]

This is the 2nd time in the week that my hubby returned home late about 10.30pm while i was waiting for dinner, there is not a call fm him. The 1st time i forgive him as he say he needed to discuss the rental contract with the owner. The 2nd time he was supposed to packet back dinner, so i waited and waited until 10pm and he is still not back. So i call him and he say the owner want to discuss the contract. I am so pissed up and flared up asking him how come he cannot just give me a call first to tell me he will be late and let me hungrily waited. He say he forgot the time so did not call me.

Am i being unreasonable asking him to at least inform me that he will be late home so i don't need to wait aimlessly?

He only explain that he forgot and he also did not take his dinner too. And since i did not accept his explanation, forget it.

We went to sleep thereafter, he slept in the living room and i feel pointless to quarrel further and thinking everything should be ok after a night.

But today morning, he left a note saying i don't need to cook from today onwards. He will take his dinner outside and i took my own too.

I call him and asked if he wants to worsen the situation is it? He say since i don't want to accept his explantion so it is pointless for me to cook for him. So in anger, i told him i am leaving the house since no point for me to stay since i don't need to cook anymore. He say if that's what i want, go ahead, he don't want to quarrel as needed to work.

I even beg him to let me cook tonight as i don't want to further worsen the problems..... i must be crazy. And he say don't need.

Should i just leave the home since he does not care anymore and just let our relationship dead?

 

[green_tranquility]

Whitefantasy,

Why ruin your relationship over the dinner issue? Is it worth it? Please look at the big picture and stop your negative thoughts from running wild.

I face similar situation as you. My hubby has been coming home around 10pm-12am for the past 4 weeks. He has to work late, so he and I eat our dinners outside separately. It doesn't bother me that I have to pack and eat my dinner alone in my room on weekdays. Anyway I still get to eat together with him on weekends.

I'll switch on my radio listen to music, surf net, do my office work, watch video, clean up the room etc. These help to prevent boredom. At times when I feel really bored, I'll arrange to meet my family or friends for dinner.

Money doesn't just fall from the sky. Careers are very important. Our hubbies must work hard to provide our families with a comfortable lifestyle. Your hubby isn't outside clubbing, gambling etc, he is working leh.

I'm sure he feels bad for making you wait for him to eat dinner together, therefore he's suggesting you to stop cooking dinner for him. Eating dinner separately makes life easier for you and him! You don't have to wait for him and feel angry. He doesn't have to look staring at the watch, and feel pressurised and guility for missing the dinner appointments.

Leaving home simply because of a dinner will make you appear very unreasonable to your hubby. Don't be so rush. Calm yourself down gal

If you want to leave home because he missed 2 dinners with you, then how should I punish my hubby for missing >15 dinners with me? I should slaughter my hubby liao hahaha!

 

[infojunkie]

sometimes u r so busy with work, u forget things... u dun wan someone so close to u and who's supposed to be understanding, to flare up over trivialities like that... clingy, demanding and quarrelsome partners are such turnoff..

so dun expect ur partner to be at ur beck and call 24/7... and when he/she cmi, kick up a big big fuss... u r doing urself a great disservice, a huge mistake...

btw, 10.30pm is NOT late. to many, the night is still young...

 

[whitefantasy]

Green,

Appreciate your posting.

I am angry not because he come home late, but at least he should call to let me know that he will be delay at his workplace and i can go out for my own dinner instead of waiting aimlessly and i am so freaking hungry at the time of 10.30pm.

FYI, he does not feel bad for making me waiting but instead he say he himself also have not eaten.

He requested me to cook everyday but at times i don't feel like cooking, he will be angry.

I thought all will be fine after a night but today morning, he jotted down a note asking me not to cook. Not b'cos he feel bad of me waiting for dinner, but b'cos he is angry with me.

P/S : At least you know in advance your hubby will be back late, hence you can start your dinner without him first.

 

[whitefantasy]

junkie,

Appreciate your posting.

I dun expect my hubby to be at 24/7 & seriously speaking i don't even call him during his work time.

I did not kick up any big fuss with him, i just asked how come he cannot just sms or call me to inform he will be late..... because he knew usually i don't take dinner after 10pm. At least i knew he will be late, i can take my own dinner.

 

[infojunkie]

dun hv to wait for him to sms or call u wat... if u r hungry just go get a bite lor... and if he's unhappy, then act blur lor, why get so affected and make urself look ugly?

dun be submissive and expect him to do the same... if u want ur partner to respect u, show him by setting the example... u guys need to cultivate mutual respect for each other...

 

[green_tranquility]

Whitefantasy,

"He requested me to cook everyday but at times i don't feel like cooking, he will be angry. "
Now I understand where you are coming from.

I agree with junkie's point. Just go & grab a bite whenever you feel hungry. Be more flexible about things. We don't have to always wait for our hubby's instructions, you are an adult who can take care of yourself

My hubby knows that I wake up late on weekends, so he will go out grab his breakfasts on his own. I'm glad he doesn't wake me up or starve himself hehe. A marriage with black & white rules to follow reminds me of a prison! Haha it will surely irk me who needs my freedom and space.

On the occasional weekdays, which my hubby and I have agreed on eating dinners together, I'll usually sms/call him around 5pm to double-confirm on the plan. Sometimes he sms me to cancel the plan.

Since he has already asked you to stop cooking on his note, you can stop cooking dinners and stop waiting for him from this week onwards. You are not his maid. Show him that you can be independent without him. I bet he will feel puzzled and start to give you more attention lol!

 

[powder]

precisely the reason why i die die pick a wife who can't cook... these things become a real issue when 1 of the couple isn't understanding...

also - the whole tabao sh!t... seriously this is s'pore, how far-out can an eatery be??? we can eat at office area before heading home, around mrt stations on either side of the travel, and before heading home... i seriously dun see how anyone can complain of hunger. hungry - eat, need to pee - pee, need to shit - shit. how the hell did pple get so bloody incapacitated becos of marriage i have no idea.

if your husband Insist on u cooking, then tell him to be home to eat... 3 times and no more cooking for 30days and u'll reset from there. but honestly, if he isn't insisting, then pls stop this whole cook and for for u habit... it's sweet only while it lasts and both parties are appreciative, else it's a drag and turns into a sore point like Now.

if u wanna be Angry, then pls dun beg lah... makes u look weak and stupid and makes him respect u less. throw away the ego and try to be more amicable from the start, instead of shouting here and there then regret.

honestly if someone is late and u dun get a call, the logical thing is to call or sms him rite? i mean he's your husband, isit so difficult to do that? and isn't this a better solution than wasting your time waiting? Honestly - i think u just wanna penalise and blow at him, tat's why u didn't call... u deliberately let things reach boiling point.

tat's the mark of childish married couples...

 

[miloice]

exactly, instead of communicating, why go on with childish fights and get angry. Frankly, its not just the TS. The husband's expectation for her to cook everyday is equally unrealistic.

Angry because he/she should do this or that?!? There is no such thing as should. Communicate! What is so difficult to call each other?? Upset over him not calling when she could have sms or call him to see if he is busy?

Maybe, she hasn't been busy in work needing to make long conf-calls, brainstorming, negotiating and fire-fighting. Time flies when one is busy and focused at work. This is not rocket science.

 

[green_tranquility]

"precisely the reason why i die die pick a wife who can't cook"

I think it's more of the expectation that kills, not so much about whether the wife can cook anot. A wife, who can't cook, can still ask her maid to cook dinner and demand the hubby to eat dinner with her everyday lol.

Ladies need to understand that cleaning up the house, cooking meals and babysitting kid do not necessarily make them wonderful wives in their hubbies' eyes. Generally, men are not as detailed and picky about their house's cleanliness and meals as ladies. They can get by with messy house and tabao meals.

 

[yongqin]

i have the same encouter as u before, sounds like me. But do not just leave the house in a fit of anger,maybe he is just testing u, or saying something in a fit of anger.

Should talk nicely to him when u both calm down. Since u decided to cook for him when u have simmered down, it means actually u still care a lot for him.

Perhaps he really forgot to ring u up, or just feeling frustrated or bothered by something thus he didnt reply you. Sometimes guys are like that.

But he shouldnt have requested u to cook daily for him and when thats not done, he get angry. It shouldnt be this way for married couple. Should tell him yr concerns. To let him undstd.

 

[powder]

Green,

it's Always the expectations... and the problem is, not many are mature enough to explore deeper into EQ and human behaviours...

not sure if u remember me mentioning abt Cooking being more a disadvantage and the Expectations formed becos of it, in another thread. And yes exactly - pple need to realise that all those domestic abilities are no longer anything to rave at, nor does it make u More marketable... to me it sounds like a basic requisite of a domstic maid, Not a wife. well neither do i appreciate guys who expect wives to perform all these duties... it only take 5mins to tabao.

 

[green_tranquility]

Powder,
Yup I remember your post about that.

 

[crystal_cloud]

powder,i realli LOVE This sentence!
3 times and no more cooking for 30days and u'll reset from there

again here, we see a typical debate of wife being mothers --having to cook!

i realli DUN wana cook, even now i have just gotten married!

i dun see y we should cook since like u said , there are eatery EVERYWHR! 2 person how to cook? so tedious cutting the ingredients and washing up.

we are now women of 20th century..we should be a companion to husband..not a new age mother

But of coz, occasional cooking will be good to spice up couple life..

occasional (to me) = once every 2 months..or none

whitefantasy should tell her husband :
not cooking = norm thing
cooking = bonus for him!

wat a MCP

 

[crystal_cloud]

Cooking being more a disadvantage and the Expectations formed

>>>>>>>> i totally agree! and i still remembered my classic example of my gf who is more like a VASE than a wife yet the high flying husband still dotes on her like hell

 

[powder]

problem exist becos our mums are like the last generation of women imbued with natural cooking abilities n tendencies... so when ladies cook, they are Expected to, else even for now - will be taken for granted.

 

[alcifertoh]

I just feel it's bo liao for both dishing out from each other's ego and the need to feel appreciated.

For the hubby, I dunno what's with the must to cook everyday. Is he subscribing to the traditional thoughts that a wife has to take care of domestic matters and handles meals everyday? If both person eating only so much easier to tao bao.

For TS on scenario 1, you can eat first. Why the need to wait for the husband when you are hungry and he is late? When he return then let him eat himself lah. Easy as that.

Scenario 2, needless to say more, you could have taken care of yourself and you choose to sit back and get angry about it. For him not calling does not mean that you cnt contact him too right?

But seriously, I would say go with his proposal. Don't cook from today onwards and such problems can be avoided in future! If his hours are irregular, you eat yourself and he eat himself. When the timing permits, then dine together. Happy ending liao regarding this issue.

 

[crystal_cloud]

i just read "y mars and venus collide" this morning on bus.

one chapter explains that more than 50% of women in today's society are working.
on top of that, they still need to care for kids, do light house chores and cooks for husband etc... they feel very short changed..coz they are performing roles of our mom's in olden days (cooking, housewife) yet bearing traits of today's modern women.. (working to bring income for household).

it's no wonder these women are very easily agitated on small matters, stressed out..and to salvage the quarel with husband, still have to beg to cook?! she must be surpressing her anger..she rather beg to salvage her husband's attention rather than speak up and make her husband understand..coz her husband must have (sorry i did assume) shown her a very cold shoulder and not accept her apology for escalating the quarel..

 

[miloice]

shortchange? This is a relationship and marriage. If one is this calculative, it will never work loh.

 

[crystal_cloud]

doesnt mean cooking everyday, do all dishes and dun quarel = not calculative ma.

both have to respect each other's feelings ma..
how can keep asking wife to cook = love meh? = good wife?

then powder's wife must be a bad wife lo

 

[its_fate]

Ask the husband to marry a Maid.
Ask the wife to marry a Reporter.

I can't help but to be crude when posting.. Such a childish behaviour. Buay Tahan...

It's ridiculous to see/hear one is behaving in such a manner. Grow up lah.. If U dun have the EQ, I bet U have IQ right???!!!

 

[miloice]

pink,

that's not what I meant.

If one is quantifying the marriage by measuring these stuffs and feeling short change, then it has reflect alot about the person's attitude towards the marriage.

Its not just tasks, its everything. How to measure and find this balance that both is agreeable to? People tend to measure and quantify what's important for them only. Everything else, we don't appreciate and even take notice. This is normal. So, its unrealistic to try to measure like this.

I do more house chores than my wife too. I don't feel at all short change by that. There is really nothing to measure about.

 

[lovingyou]

Whitefantasy: If you are upset coz u are worried as you didn't hear any news from your HB, i can understand why, but a little can't reconcile with the thots if you are upset over the dinner issue. Moreover, if it happens again, you might want to consider taking the 1st move to call him instead? Hmm.. Have a good talk with him, also, are u a housewife? I don't find any links between leaving home jus coz u are not needed for cooking??

 

[janice0610]

i pity white fantasy lor..u guys are aiming at her..although i don have this kind of problems, but i totally can understand her situation!!
This is just not a meal issue..looking at the big picture, it's respect issue!!
A simple task, a simple promise, yet the hubby can't fulfill? izzit the wife problem?
Izzit so hard to excuse for a while and call the wife to "Jiao Dai"?
If you noe you going to be so busy, at least don promise?
No promise no disappointment isn't it?
White fantasy: my solution to you. Since your hubby initially wanted u to cook everyday mean he wants to eat homecook food. He is already eating outside food for breakfast n lunch, so he wants a more healthy food for nite! But since he can't understand cooking is actually not a simple task..how many of ur mum cook n u don appreciate? everyday have to tink of new dishes to cook, the effort of cooking is a lot and since ur hubby don appreciate u, from now onwards listen to him. Don cook already. even if u cook for yrself, just enjoy yr food and either throw the balance or keep in the fridge for tmr dinner. just ignore him and he will come back to beg u to cook.
Don let him feel tat u always need to rely on him? this way he will always climb on yr head! Be independent. Don bother abt him. Just continue staying at that place and do yr normal routine. Don even bother waiting for him to be home and zzz..once u are tired go and zzz..
Be strong! And he will began to tink how come u nv come pacify him already, how come u nv ask him this or tat already..
If in the end yr hubby still angry and don bother abt u, i guess u should noe wat to do le.

 

[lovingyou]

I can understand your pt JanJan, but I dun realli understand the part whereby why didn't she make the 1st move to call him instead? moroever, where is the link?

 

[happy_daze_ahead]

Heyy Whitefantasy...

I really feel for you

I don't think its unreasonable of you to expect some things from your partner, like the basic courtesy of informing you that he won't be coming back for dinner. But people aren't perfect, you must remember that, even if he seemed that way when you married him. People can forget things and people will make mistakes. As a spouse its necessary to forgive and understand your partner. Otherwise arguments like these will plague the relationship.

Your hubby may have forgotten to inform you that he couldn't make dinner and this can be forgiven, but you must not let him forget who is the important person in his life. You are not his domestic help! He didn't marry you to be his maid, so like Green says, don't cook for him if he does not appreciate it! But you must let him know why you are not 'obeying' his instructions.

I don't know if you feel that women this generation should still hold the traditional roles of being in charge of the household, but even if you do, its still a relationship of equals. You and your hubby bring something to the table, whether its income or helping around the house.

Whitefantasy, if you're feeling upset because you haven't heard from him, why not try talking and making the first move? In a truly loving relationship, there are no losers, only winners. Don't worry about losing face, try communicating. Once you understand your partner and he understands you, problems like these can be discussed and talked over smoothly if they happen at all.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[green_tranquility]

Janjan,

"just ignore him and he will come back to beg u to cook. "

Threaten him like that got use meh? Why will an adult man beg the wife to cook or beg her for food? *scratch head* Hehe there's no famine in Singapore!

 

[miloice]

"u guys are aiming at her.."

no one is targetting her. Both she and her husband don't manage their expectations and then get angry. Go figure that out.

The way they are handling the issue is childish and lacked basic communication. All these fights will get no where. Neither party is going to win. Instead of working things out together, u go on to suggest to use threat. Is there a need to do all these small air behaviors when both can really align things without blame?

One thing that will totally turn me off is women that always use these 'small actions' to spite. And its over a dinner and phone call. oh man! I wouldn't be bothered with such a woman. Feedback what is causing her unhappiness in a rational and constructive way. Else, its babysitting a overgrown kiddo with princess mentality.

 

[powder]

i think u're in good hands with the big picture pple liao...

all the best!

me need to go other threads aim other pple liao...

 

[powder]

oh ya this one classic - "He is already eating outside food for breakfast n lunch, so he wants a more healthy food for nite!"

very big picture...

 

[its_fate]

milo - Wahahaha... your "princess" come out again... So this time is Cinderella, Snow White, Jasmine or?????

Oh man, guess one may not have engaged in a serious business talk. We can simply be in a meeting for hours without food and phone calls. It may sound illogical but it's the truth.. Time flies and no one realise that it's actually late at night...

So wat is wrong for the husband for forgetting to call?? Why can't the wife juz sms and go eat herself?? Really so difficult meh?? Make a big "hoo har" over a minor thingy... Boh Liao....

 

[alcifertoh]

Iris... Jiao dai okie jiao dai. Mark down in your schedule for reporting even though you might be fighting a fire with your hands and mind full till you had even forgot about time.

Although You can be busy till you forget about time, you must NEVER forget to jiao dai. That is the greatest crime.

 

[crystal_cloud]

The way they are handling the issue is childish and lacked basic communication>> i think this is a very good pointer

 

[janice0610]

sometimes when guy is working out there, they might not like the gf or wife to call and disturb them..we all don have middle eye, how in the hell do we noe what's our partner doing? he may be in the mist of an important call or mitin? which is why white fantasy might not want to call and disturb him since he had promised to buy dinner back. so it's should be the guys responsible to find a convenient time to call the wife back and "JIAO DAI".
My ways is not threatening way. Sometimes when a girl keep on giving in, giving in and giving in, the guy will take her for granted. Vice versa. the girl will take the guy for granted. since he took her for granted, even when she had given in, he still behave like this. what can the wife do? LISTEN TO HIM LOR..LET HIM GO COOL DOWN HIMSELF LOR..then meantime the wife still need to eat one mah, so just cook healthy food for ownself lor..
i nv ask the wife to go spike him lor..i teach the girl to be independent cos the guy took her for granted thinking that she can be pushed ard.

 

[miloice]

sometimes.... we depend on this 'sometimes' and guess and get angry and spite each other. Great advise. Keep it up.

And this tip on how independent
"just enjoy yr food and either throw the balance or keep in the fridge for tmr dinner. just ignore him and he will come back to beg u to cook."

Instead of communicating. you advise her to IGNORE him. No one is asking her to give in. Its not about fighting over rights blah blah blah. Its not a battleground. Its a relationship and marriage. Work things out with our partners. We don't fight them. Do you somehow think that COMMUNICATING with him is giving in???

Just call him lah and if he is busy, he would put to silent mode and hang up. So difficult to just call but can do all these other stuffs. You really have a weird idea on what is independent.

 

[salsa_babe]

"sometimes when guy is working out there, they might not like the gf or wife to call and disturb them."

In the first place, the TS does not even know what the hb was doing. At least if she calls and the hb is too busy to talk to her...she wouldn't be angry over such trivial things. When one is concentrating on something, they tend to forget some other minor stuffs.

Her action reminded me of my ex-colleague...who die die must wait for her bf to accompany her to the clinic when she is sick. Cannot go alone de.
WTH!

Being independent means...hungry, go find something to eat....and not wait for the hb to buy the dinner back. How old liao!? One shld know how to take care of herself.

It is childish to have such fights.

 

[skylar]

qn i have..

TS said aft that fateful night, the hb slept in the living room.. <--- why??

did u chase him out or did he just 1 2 sleep alone?

another qns.. is TS a full time hsewife?

 

[alcifertoh]

Jan,

Sometimes hor if she calls and husband never pick up, she should know that the husband could be busy lor. Then sometimes if never pick up can drop and sms lor. Sometimes if never pick up means is really very BUSY lor. But somehow cannot understand this and rather wait and wait then finally wanna call and get angry over it?

And if returning for dinner on time can be a promise that escalates into a great disappointment, don't put the expectation in the first place. Just discuss and tie down together to see how to accomodate each other.

And as you do guard the holy task of whipping up a meal that great and assume that no one appreciates, do I need to remind you that sometimes work caught you offguard and require your attention to the point that you don't realise about time? And it's of royalty importance that the hubby is working too if not where to find the money to cook up the meal?

Look at it objectively.

Or issit sometimes you never encounter of such before and is the one sitting there staring at the clock and building up your vengence? Whats with the responsibility and such sia. It just makes TS sounds like a handicap and the husband like deliberately playing her out.

PS: Handicaps can take care of their daily meals themselves too. They would not starve and blame getting hungry because they are waiting for people to feed them.

This wasn't a hell of a matter to begin with. What it took was just a phone call from either party to settle everything. Eat first or wait. That's all. What big picture man...

 

[simpleman]

You all too much lah "picking on her"

As a husband, definitely MUST report that busy and cannot be home for dinner.

In fact, calling is not good enough. Should have gone home for dinner first... before going back to work.. or better still.. why cannot work from home and have a conf call with colleagues?

Why must work in the office? Anything to hide?

I think the husband has a problem. If I am the husband and I know wife is cooking and waiting for me at home, I would fly home immediately and have dinner with her and then I would wash all the dishes.. As for work? Aiya, tomorrow lah..

 

[skylar]

SM,

are you kidding???

 

[alcifertoh]

Cannot lah. Have to read the Bigger picture liao.

When husband never pick up must be something fishy. And when he never return on time, means he choose work over you liao. When he let you go hungry means he no longer loves u. When he don't wanna sleep with you means he no longer feel for you liao.

And ultimately when he don't want you to cook, means he don't need you liao.

That is the BIGGEST picture. Time for the PI game.

 

[alcifertoh]

But SM, the wife can also ta bao the dinner and bring to the husband and eat together right???

 

[skylar]

Or maybe he already found someone who is willing to cook for him &amp; yet WAIT for him till he's home..

pls visit www.pi.com.sg

 

[salsa_babe]

PI lurking in this forum...get ready to PM now!

 

[simpleman]

hbh,

Got such a good wife meh? tabao dinner to join husband.. or under the pretext of checking if husband got other ECA activity?

 

[dramarama]

Whitefantasy - hopefully when you re-read your thread, you can see how childish your behaviour is.

Jan - you are not teaching her to be independent. On contrary, you are encouraging to throw more childish tantrums.

 

[simpleman]

skylar,

I am not kidding!

If I have a wife at home now cooking for me.. I would go home and have dinner first.. after all, just a drive home.. we still need to eat dinner..
If a little drive can make wife happy, why not?

What so important about work that cannot wait a while? Not everyday you closing millions dollar deals.

Wah ha ha..

 

[alcifertoh]

Maybe got such girls? I ever met one nong nong time ago. And the act scared me.

 

[freeport]

sm,
Such comment really made me awake here. Surprisingly you're such sweet to ur partner?

 

[ariebeth]

LOL @ sm's reply

As a husband, definitely MUST report that busy and cannot be home for dinner.

Report busy?? Siao ah! Later the wife think his job is more impt than her how?? Wife is queen u know...