Fallen in love with another gal......

daemonkoh

New Member
Ethel,

We are around the same age. Give your husband another chance if he has truly stopped seeing TOW. No point doing silly/impulsive things just to get back at him. U or ur baby will not benefit anything.

Hope you had felt better after talking to your counsellor. Talk to him as communication is very impt.

All the best!
 


bellethel

New Member
Bluemoon,
He seem pretty insist tt he wanted a divorce. Perhaps to spite me or he meant it.

I hav no intentions of getting back at him becos I believe tt God will deal with him.

I just spoken to his friend over msn. He told me tt he noticed tt the past few months my hubby had been picking on me n saying hurtful things abt me in e public. But he felt tt it is not his position to say anything n tt is why he nv voiced it out until I told him about this.

I am having some thoughts here. He said tt he wants to buy over my share of the house should we divorce. Suddenly I was thinking of taking the divorce option so tt I can take e money n go and do my masters. In which I gave up e opportunity 3 yrs ago because of him.
 

chelody

New Member
Hi Ethel, I think no one here wants to find trouble with her as we are all mature adults. Dun worry =)

I really hope things will turn out well for you, with or without him. Just make a choice that makes you happier. You need to start living for yourself and your baby.

If he is truly repentant, no harm giving him a 2nd chance. If he is adamant in getting a divorce, den grant him his wish since he has no intention of reconciling.

Good luck!!
 

bellethel

New Member
Haha, den I shall release her msn add? PM me those who wants it and help to spread bah. Do the married women justice by blacklisting those 3rd parties. Haha...

Tonite gonna tok to my dad on my Masters plan. My baby will go with him, call me heartless, but I dun see why I need to be tied down by his irresponsible words in his past for insisting to have a baby. I love my gal, but she wasn't in my plan in e first place. Besides, she would be more financially stable sticking to my hubby than me, only thing is my PILs are screwed ups. I hope if they officially take over my baby, please, for e sake of the child, dun quarrel every other day n slam things all they want anymore. Its tramatic for me as an adult, wats more a baby.

The thought of everything juz hurts me so badly now. But I think he might probably b kicking his own ass when he knows tt his chance of getting an Aussie PR is vanishing rite in front of him also.
 

cuclainne

New Member
ethel, i suppose it's hurting right now, that's why all the thought of taking revenge on your husband and the third party but is it really all worth it?

re: your daughter, even though he was the one who asked for the baby - in some ways, you also agreed to it otherwise there would be no baby, you know what i'm saying? is it possible to let your parents take care of your child while you're sitting for your Masters?
 

greyarea

New Member
ethel,
i dun understand if you love your girl, why do you throw your girl to your hubby and his family? are you really doing this for her good or yours?? you have equal responsibility on your baby because you're the one who decide to forgive your hubby, to give him a chance and to start a family with him! yes, in the end your hubby still disappointed you again but your baby is innocent!

i'm sure there are other financial arrangement rather than just let them "officiall take over" your daugther..i mean if you're responsible enough, try to think of other arrangement rather than just thinkiing of throwing her back to your hubby. you treat her as if she's some kind of comodity.. that's so sad..i pity your girl..
 

findingnemo

New Member
Ethel,

You may be too confused that's why thinking of passing your baby to your inlaws.

Please, please spare a thought for your baby and try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are the baby, how would you feel when you grow up knowing that your mother "discarded" you? You will be surely be terribly hurt rt? You know how it hurts rt, since you are now being hurt badly by your hb's actions?
 

bellethel

New Member
Not tt I wanna abandon my gal, but I know my PILs side too well. They'll 100% bad mouthed me to my gal. Cos my MIL even bad mouthed me in front of the relatives, tt's why I dread family gatherings. Cos she always made me look so bad in front of others. So it's either I fully take over or fully let go. Cos half half would make my gal very miserable. But on my side, I cannot afford her at all esp after staying home looking after her for the past 1 yr. And since my hubby proposed tt he wanna take over, I thought yah, mayb its painful, but it would be better.

At the same time I am confused. My PIL fights and quarrel so frequently. Imagine they can be slamming doors in e middle of 3am at nite. And they shouted at each other so often. Its a very unhealthy environment I would say. Because I felt tramatised by their behavior on my 1.5yrs staying with them last time.

My parents cannot take care cos both of them working. Sister still schooling. So they need the financial part.

I tot of taking over the baby n the house. But I dun trust my hubby on the alimony and stuff, so better nt bet on anything like these.

Not only tt, the next day after I discover his betrayal, I hugged my gal crying so badly. He dares to tell me to stop being drama. Kaoz, can't even cry after he did such a thing to me meh? But yesterday I saw a counsellor already, she told him off. Hehe, she said my wounds are still so raw, he shouldnt be rubbing on it telling me tt I cannot cry. WOman have a way of releasing their sadness through tears. Actually not only woman, but all humans. But just tt man are moulded in this society to be the macho party who shouldnt cry in all circumstances.

I dun plan any revenge on him. Perhaps it's juz my character and the perfectionism part taking over. Given tt without a baby, if such things happen, I'll pack and say bye bye to him, not to even consider a second chance. Now with a baby, things just gets so much harder.

Sigh, my hubby says he wants to try. But I am not ready to forgive him. And even if I do, I dunno how to put the betrayal behind n trust him again.

Somemore since last nite terrible crying episode again, his close friend told me something, best is for me to pursue something tt I wanted to do all along. That would be a great gift to myself and a punishment to him. Cos I'll be a better person, so he'll regret his actions.
 

sadistger

New Member
ethel,nv gif up ur child no matter hw hard its gona b!u carried her 4 10mths!hard time givin birth 2 her.went thru al pains n joy.if ur hb dn pay ali or maintenance,tk him 2 court!if u leav her w them,al e more tey'll bad mouth u.in time,she'll b brainwashed by them.dn gif them a chanc 2 corrupt n bad influence ur gal.u gave birth 2 her,lead her 2 e rite path.i nv wan gif up my gal.i wld gif up everythin in my life instead.
 

greyarea

New Member
ethel,
yes, pursuing something that has been in your mind is equally important but at the end of the road, will you be happy and guilt free and no regret for letting your daughter go..will you leave this world with dignity with all the career achievement/success you have gain later one but sacrificing your only flesh and blood?

there must be alternative in pursuing your dream right? can you don't go overseas to pursue your degree but pursue it in singapore? then with this degree you can think of migrating to aussie with your girl? i don't know, it's just seem so sad to me to leave my own flesh and blood to an incompetent hubby and PIL and morever you have took care of her for about 1 year plus. surely, there're so much emotion and heart-warming memories there..

from your posting i can feel you're tormented with your decision but you really have to re think your decision and think long term... will you be able to face your daugther one day when she grow up or you already prepare to leave her alone for the rest of her life and not seeing her again? you have a fair share of how things happening in your PILs place and you still so hard hearted to leave her there?

anyway, it's just my opinion. at the end of the day and your life, it's you who will answer to your heart and to her... girl, give this a thorough thought again and setting aside the vengeful feeling and anger against your hubby ok?
 

neyomarquez

New Member
u need to think of these over and over..be prepared of the consequences... mmaybe ur just getting bored...go out on a vacation...with ur family...outside of the country europe or other asian countries...its never too late for anything...just like Susan BOyle...yeah shes 47 and she still managed to sing...imagine. they have this contest for her(for the ladies) http://sg.88db.com/sg/Discussion/Discussion_reply.page/88DB_Interact/?DiscID=37309
anyway ... its just a girl..and i guess u are already aware that upon getting married u will still meet a lot of girls.. but u choose ur wife..so stick to that...
 

bellethel

New Member
The reason why I wanted to leave Sg is because my PILs stays very near my parents. Across the road only. The pain tormenting on my part.

I've friends who went through divorce, some leave the child, some took the child. It nv occurred to me tt this will happen to me one day. I spoke to both sides of them. And both parties gave me the same answers. They felt tt it would be better for me to let go of the child not only because of the financial issue, but the time, the resources, and the inner feeling tt I'll go through. Knowing very well that in e first place I told my hubby no baby until we have our own house, more settled down den we invite the new life in. And he was the agreeing part on this before we got married.

But I didnt expect him to want a baby so soon after we got married. I refused to and he started accusing me tt I didnt want a baby because I am afraid of being tied down(And Yes, I am very afraid of that!) and that I have an affair outside tt I scare the other party will find out etc.

So in the end, everyone told me tt since eventually we will still have a baby, why not give in to his request and end all these unnecessary quarrels, and I did.

So in a way, the baby wasnt so much of my choice and my friends reckoned tt even the baby stays with me, I'll feel even more angry with my hubby for leaving me with a baby. So might as well give her up since he don't mind. If u were me, how u think?
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Ethel,

Maybe it's good for you to cool down first before making a firm and probably, "no-return" decision.

Maybe should consider whether your baby would be better off with you or your husband. I think this is the main factor to consider. Also, by letting them take care of your gal, would you have any chance to see her in future?

A lot of factors to consider....do think thru' carefully. I almost wanted to do the same like you as I was thinking if I "throw" my 2 kids to my husband, I would like to see how he can survive....that is my revengeful thinking but eventually, I still think my kids should come with me even though I don't earn as much as my husband. The most important thing is that I love my kids so would never give them up.

Luckily, I do not need to come that decision yet. So hope you can give it a serious thought and put your gal's welfare above everything
happy.gif
 

leeyuanping

New Member
I can understand how a child would not have build up a bond between husband and wife even thou i love my kids...
Thanks for all the advice....yes...i agree i not only have to be a good father but a good husband...
well, the gal told me things dont always go the way u want to isnt it? Live with it...
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Leeyuanping,

hope you can try to rekindle the feelings you had when you married your wife...maybe a good start is to find her good points and not dwell with the imperfections. When you are able to acknowledge her good points, I guess you would have an easier time and better life to live
happy.gif
 

infojunkie

Active Member
u can't divorce or u dun want to?
if the ans is the latter, by saying to "live with it" is an insult to ur spouse!
as for the kids, u can still be a gd father even if u dun get to stay wif them or see them often after the separation... love them from a distance... not too tough rite? consider u hv already subconciously doing it to ur love interest now...
 

bellethel

New Member
Tired mum,
If not for e child, I would have packed and leave e day I discovered the betrayal. I dunno. Call it anger or sian. I really dun feel like seeing him. I dunno how to live the rest of my life dealing with this scar of betrayal. I am so afraid tt I'll bring it up to quarrel, yet I really want to forget n act as if things were the way it is.

He told me to move back tml nite. I dun want to. I need to go back and get my baby's diaper and formula milk from the house. He asked me to stay there, I dun want. I told him if I need some peace, I'll need the house. He can find somewhere else to stay. I dun care. To me now he is almost like a piece of dirt that I am ready to kick away. The gal can have him all she wants. Such man is not worthly of my time n love.

I somehow feel tt he wanted me back to stay becos he'd have a free maid. Someone to wash the clothes, do the dishes, mop the floor and cook for him. I dun want to. I dun wanna waste my energy on him. Yes, I still love him, but I dun want to be used by him or give him a second chance to hurt me again.

I told him, I no longer feel the love from him. And I feel tt I am learning to stop loving him. Sigh. I had been working all my life for a family. I thought God had been very kind tt I was blessed with a family after everything. Down comes e betrayal, and now he wants the family, I dun feel like wanting it anymore. U get wat I mean?
 

infojunkie

Active Member
ethel,

forgive me if i sound rude, but by airing all your grievances here, u r actually hijacking this thread... in order for Mr Lee's topic to not lose track and u to hv more space to tell ur story, why not start ur own thread?
happy.gif
 

bellethel

New Member
Junkie,
Ok, I shall remain as a silent reader to this thread after this post.

Hmm, actually somehow I enjoy looking at Mr Lee's story cos I wanna know wat a man thinks at e pt of cheating? U get wat I mean?
 

mummyprincess

New Member
Ethel,

the pain of not being able to be with your child may be more than wat u anticipated.

I have treaded on the path n speaks from my experience...

No doubt, you have all the freedom n carefree lifestyle u used to enjoy when u are single, but in time to come, u may feel that u r willing to trade all this for your baby back...

if i m given a choice, i will take my child with me.

i m not trying to tell u that your decision is wrong, jus don want u to regret in later part of your life.
 

greyarea

New Member
hapiness,
that's what i think will happen.. all mothers who left their baby either because of personal choice or other's will most likely regret it one day (unless of course the father is an extremely good and responsible father and financially sound)... if they don't, i can only assume they're heartless..they only think of an impending hardship they have to go through without thinking the repercussion and regrets that comes later part of their lives...

anyway, back to you, i hope you still get to see your child?
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Ethel,

What I sense is hurt and pain while you are writing all these. I've been thru' the same...putting all my available free time for my kids and family in exchange for a word "separation" from my husband.

But we need to consider a lot of factors especially when a child is involved. Anyway, I decided to give him a chance (he shows that he wants the family back) and it's definitely a tough journey to regain back whatever you have lost in that person you have once trusted and loved. But I still feel it's worth it. At least I m trying. For the sake of our children, we are both trying to put things back in place. Really depends on the decision made by you and your husband. Hope you can give it a serious thought.

Leeyuanping,

I hope you can give your life a 2nd chance too. Since you have made the decision to stay put, why not choose to be happy with your kids and wife. Instead of saying life is like that...the choice is yours. Be happy or miserable?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Tired Mom, try to start afresh with your husband, not pick up from where you last left. Treat it as a new experience instead of a continuation from old times, because things are never the same again.
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Thanks doLL,

Starting afresh is in my agenda but saying is easier than implementing but no doubt I am doing it. Cos' I still treasure whatever we have build in the past 10 years and most importantly, give my kids a healthy environment to grow up.

Just needs time and I am confident I can do it. Thanks
happy.gif
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
When you have the determination and confidence, it's considered half accomplished. You just need to keep going in that direction
happy.gif
 

bellethel

New Member
Urgh, Tired MUm, U cannot accept PM...

Anyway my hubby commented on my ex bf who cheated on me twice tt A leopard cannot change it spots. Now I feel tt it applies to him.

I feel that I am still young, I dun want to be hitted by the same betrayal years later again. U get wat I meant? And by then I lose my opportunities due to my age. This is why I am so reluctent to give him a second chance.
 

pingping

New Member
Tired mom,

Yr words are an inspiration to me. As I keep hving thoughts of separation, though my husband didn't cheat on me but it's another set of problems.

I think I should learn from you, to start afresh cos I keep thinking abt the past how my husband hurt me emotionally. These thoughts prevent me from moving forward, after reading yr posts, I start to change my thinking but it's not going to be easy to start afresh.
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Pingping,

thanks....glad you are willing to give it a try. I too, had a tough time adjusting. But I always have to think about the impact for every decisions I make and I have a choice. Be happy or miserable. All the best
happy.gif
 

leeyuanping

New Member
Hi Tired Mom,
I know,my wife has been a great mother to the kids as well. I have never denied this fact. I acknowledged she has her own capabilities...be it at work or handling the children...it's hard to rekindled the kind of love we once had. Ever since she found out about the gal, she confronted her,and this had made our relationship worse.......
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Leeyuanping,

Frankly speaking, I hated husbands like you but that is my feeling, so don't take offence....that aside...

You seems to recognise your wife as a mother to your kids but not as a wife to you...that's not good and probably selfish? Actually what is on your mind, really, what is on your mind? You want to keep the family intact and have a relationship outside?

Being your wife (legally), I would think that it's normal that she would approach that gal. I almost did that too but I did not, knowing my husband's character and being a male chauvinist. I would only step in if that gal refuse to let go.

My personal opinion...if you want to keep your family intact, do keep your feelings within the family. Cut off ties with that gal (or any other future gals) and spent all your feelings & love on your family. I'm sure you would feel more frust with your wife at this stage since she found out. She would probably either make noise or give you cold shoulders. But it's a normal reaction....if she doesn't react, then something must be wrong somewhere. Do work hard to gain back her trust...

Sorry, I could only give you my views on what you can do but comment about your wife as I do not know the relationship between you both. Just hope you would not choose to break up your own family. I'm an advocate of marriage and family life. There may be successful real-life examples of "happy broken families" but there are also alot of unsuccessful ones. Hope you give yourself and your family another chance to built a healthy family.

Really, your decision has a lot of impact on yourself and your family....
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
There is no logic to our feelings sometimes or even most times. It's futile to ask why a person feel a certain way about the spouse.

I never believe that just because you are married you MUST therefore feel positively about your spouse and the marriage. Ideally yes but in reality what if it's not so? Do we not even have the courage to face up to the changed feelings? In fact, if you no longer feel for your spouse (or vice versa) or you start feeling for someone else, it is a wake-up call. There might be a chance that keeping a marriage or family intact is not the best outcome for everyone. Do we not have the maturity and courage to accept that reality?
 

baggyeyes

New Member
He is on the fence...I would prefer he consider the impact it would have for the decision he made. What's done cannot be undone but if there is a hope..why not give it a try?

I recently lost a friend to cancer...she tried her very best to go all sorts of treatment and whatever operations that can saved her life but she failed....leaving behind 2 kids. Life is so unpredictable. It really pains me to see her kids saying "goodbye" to her everyday during the wake when going home. They do not know the real impact of losing their mother until cremation when they would no longer see her.

If your choice can lead to a happy ending (of course efforts have to be made), why take the other path?

Especially so when kids are brought to this world, shouldn't their parents have responsibilities to ensure they have a good environment to grow up in?

I just felt that a breakup should be the last resort. Especially for Leeyuanping who is now sitting on the fence.....
 

greyarea

New Member
doll,
personally, i feel that if you choose marriage, then it's your responsibility to keep it intact and not letting any chance to break up the family and it is especially so if you have children. recently i threw my hubby a question: what if you have no more feelings for your partner and divorce is the only thing you want now? he said in the 1st place you should not even let things to reach that stage! if there's a problem the couple should work it out and not let things drag until reach a stage of point of no return..

if from the start you have the thinking that feeling positively is not necessary for your spouse and marriage, i think you're marriage is risky.. what are the chances of you having a lasting marriage when from the start you have no confident at all where it's heading and all the time you're thinking pessimistically abt marriage life?

well bad things does happen but it's worse to start thinking of things in a negative way from the beginning right? the right attitude should be do something even before things happen and accepting things when it happen and then think of a way to resolve or get out of it ..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
What is a "happy" ending?

Does it have to be that they live together happily ever after?

Are our minds so narrow that they can accept only one definition/version of happiness?

Though I am divorced I feel very happy now which surprises many people. I heard my ex-husband is making good progress in his career and seeing a lady now. Our dog that followed him is doing great too.

I am not encouraging anyone to divorce when their marriages start breaking down. But I do encourage people to self reflect and be honest with themselves at the very least.

Don't let societal norm define your happiness.
 

baggyeyes

New Member
There are definitely successful cases but not all would turn out to be good.

I would still hope he think of his family first for whatever decision he makes. Maybe his family would be better with him breaking out of it or maybe would be worst....nobody knows...so hope that he still puts his family in the first priority. It's not about social norm...

All decision has a risk of after-effects. If he has decided to keep his family intact, then he should really adjust his thinking and treat his wife as his wife, not just a mother to his kids.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Grey

Though I can be unconventional in some of my thoughts, I didn't get married in order to divorce some years later. I was as committed as anyone would to their spouse and marriage. I held on till the day I couldn't hold on anymore.

A lot of things shouldn't have happened but what if they do happen? What do you do? Is there only one way to manage a crisis?

I didn't say "feeling positively is not necessary for your spouse and marriage". Read my post again. I was saying it as a fact or as a result of something that has happened, not as a preconceived idea or decision.

I would say the worse thing can be to think that things would or should go back to its original rosy state when they cannot be.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Tired Mom, you are simply assuming that he didn't think through all these you've said. He didn't share details doesn't mean he didn't, right? What makes him so torn liking the other girl? I think it's likely that he has thought of what you have been suggesting he should do.
 

greyarea

New Member
doll,
divorcee doesn't mean sad people hor or vice versa.. but for divorcees, definately they will go through an episode of unhappiness/resentment/disappointment in the beginning. i believe it takes time to reach to where you are now..

there is no fairy tale marriage. it takes a lot of hard work and positive attitude if you want to reach a stage of blissfulness.. and even when you feel blissful doesn't mean no bickerings and cold wars.. a good lasting marriage needs to go through a never ending process of discovering and fine-tuning/accomodating/accepting each other expectations, attitudes, values, etc..

so, to go into a marriage you must have a positive mind set..
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi doLL,

I didn't assume what he has or has not done...I told him it's my personal opinion since he mentioned he is staying on in the family but don't feel happy(?) and now relationship worsen b'cos wife confronted that gal. His mindset must be right first for the decision he made.

I'm just giving him my views that if he chose that path, make an effort to stay in that path. Wife confronting the gal is norm...hope that shouldn't be the spark of any unhappy event later on...in fact he should now concentrate on working with his wife (again, this is not assuming he did not do so as I don't know what he has done). It's my view only...his freedom to read and accept or just laugh it off or even scold me loh.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Grey, I couldn't taste a sense of happiness for about eight months following the decision to divorce. But what is eight months compared to six years or 72 months of unhappy marriage? It was NOTHING. I would say it was a small price to pay.

Of course there is no fairytale like marriage and that people in blissful marriage have put in hard work and maintain a positive attitude. But it only works if and when two people want it work.

"While it takes two people to create a relationship, it takes only one to end it" -- Gordon Livingston
 

greyarea

New Member
doll,
haha.. because you say "I never believe that just because you are married you MUST therefore feel positively about your spouse and the marriage"..see the strong words? it sounds as if you started off thinking negatively..anyway, don't think negatively abt marriage lah though you have failed once... you did all you could to salvage it, so that's something to be proud of and no regrets or what so ever..

actually i do have a good example of a good marriage: my parents. i dun know if i can count it as happy ending because my mum passed on earlier than my dad due to cancer.. it was a heartbreaking seperation for my parents. during my mum's cremation, my dad tearfully told all of us that the pain of losing my mum is like cutting off his limps...and my mum told me that after all these years (good and bad days with my dad), she can proudly tell me that she has a successful marriage... she told me you wouldn't know whether the marriage is a success until you walk the end of the road with your partner and she did... of course this you need a willing partner that share the same mind set..
 

greyarea

New Member
yes, agree with "it only works if and when two people want it work" ... you can try and try but at some point in time, you just have to accept the reality that things no longer the same. this is the point of no return already.

like yuan ping's case, from the start he should not even let things to reach this stage. he has equal responsibility of breaking his own family..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Grey, I said that in response to Tired Mom's post. Ideally, we should feel positive about our spouse and the marriage but in reality, some couples do not feel positive due to their own reasons. We feel what we feel, not what we must feel.

I don't think about marriage at all now. Is that negative? Haha
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"like yuan ping's case, from the start he should not even let things to reach this stage. he has equal responsibility of breaking his own family."

Grey, "should not"? What an ideal. If we can control all situations in a marriage, divorce should not even exist. We can all burn away records of divorce laws. Family court can fold up and divorce lawyers must find another specialty.
 

greyarea

New Member
well, sometimes a must attitude makes things happen..in marriage sense i feel it's necessary.. if you feel indifferent abt feeling positively abt your spouse and marriage, it's not a good sign lor..

haha..that is not negative.. that is neutral for the time being but can i say you don't rule out another shot at marriage if you met a prospective and good partner?
happy.gif
 

greyarea

New Member
that's why he failed...that's why some has a successful marriage, some not... i cannot 100% guarantee my hubby will not stray and cannot 100% say my marriage is going to be a successful one but i'm working on it and hoping it will happen.. well, i will have to feel positive it will happen.. the right mind set you see..but of course, if it doesn't, then along the way, some mistake must have done by hubby or I.. well, he sounds like he's not going to let our marriage reach a point of no return, so crossing my finger, let's see.. :p
 


baggyeyes

New Member
I guess shouldn't say to feel positive about your spouse but to see things in a positive way.

Keeping positive about saving your marriage is a positive thinking already....
 

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