actually i experienced that before too only that i was not married and he was my boyfriend for seven to eight yrs and we went through a lot together, he proposed to me and he looked so ever geunine and excited about the whole thing but 3 mmonths later he told me about him falling in love and changing hearts. he also told me like wat your husband told u that there is no longer had feeling for me and it's not 3rd party but how wonderful this person. I was shocked and devastated. and that lady is also his colleague who knows that he proposed to me.
like your husband he came back after 6mths of mia and told me how he regretted the decision he made at that time and how wrong he felt now. but we didnt get back together cos i think i could not risk another chance of being bombed again.
but all these while (before breakup) we did communicate a lot and we do have our sqabbles like all other couples do. and he did mentioned to me after the whole incident that he had spent time trying to comfort that lady colleague cos she had just broken up with her bf and slowly it developed into feelings.
now to think of it ya maybe guys have their needs like emotional and physical. and think my some1 told me something like when a lady loves, she makes love but when a guy makes love he loves hmm...
now am recently married but i have disagreements with my husband even more than i had with my ex. when we have disagreements, he can blow things which i view as trivial up. and he blows them up to extent that his whole family knows that we r squabbling. and each time he threatens it with a divorce.
am afraid that it might be like wat mr lee says ' we each have our own 'thinking'...we each have different priorities in life...we each have very very different lifestyle' .
tonight it seems like i stepped on his ego again and he seems to think that i am belittling him and not giving him the support. and he screamed it me and wants a divorce again. am tired..
I'm giving my husband the benefit of doubts. Don't want to jump into conclusion yet. I guess someone who has strayed (though he denies) and wanted to start afresh, I should give him some time.
Yes, I would definitely not want to be his backup plan. I just hope through counselling, he sees the main problem (which mainly is due to his inferior complex and ego problems) and learn to cherish me and his family. I was told by the counsellor not to be too accomodating, but learn to stay firm to my decisions and not let him "step" all over me.
Right now, I'm doing it. Standing firm by my decision and also showing him black face whenever I felt he is stepping on me. I'm learning to exercise my rights as a wife now.....after 10 yrs of marriage
People like to associate providing material stuff as being a loving spouse Have they ever consider if that's what their spouses really want?
Like those rich tai tais who go around buying all the branded stuff using their husbands' credit cards. No doubt they'll enjoy owning all the latest handbags n stuffs, but are they really happy? Or are they just making do with what they have?
My hb spent on material stuffs on me too. While I am happy to own them, what I had really wanted from him was quality time.
I was recommended this book by a friend called "The Five Love Languages" by Gray Chapman. Talks about how different people need to b shown love differently and guides us on how to recognise the love language of our love ones.
tired mom thanks for the advice
my husband is back to his normal self immediately when he found out that my grandma passed away yesterday guess he doesnt wanna add to my saddness
think he just wants atttention
anyway, Lee... if u r clueless why u lost feelings to your wife and how you guys drift apart, then could you confidently avoid it from happening in the next relationship?
Before entertaining anymore thoughts, you need to reflect and find out what and why. What are your needs and how did it all wrong. You don't go round involving people screwing up relationships without a clue where went wrong.
I was in the same situation as you, but I'm the wife rather than the husband who falls in love with another girl.
After my second pregnancy, diverting my attention to work, children, home, and maid, I have totally left my husband to survive by himself, thinking that he will, by understanding my situation. I was totally WRONG! and DISSAPOINTED that he does not understand and support me! As he just changed to a new job, with new environment and colleagues, he needs someone to talk to, and I'm not there.
When he's home, I nagged at him, picked on him on small issues, blaming him, and more. After one year, we both blow up when I discovered he's been pretty close with a female colleague, but he denyed any physical contacts.
Divorce was mentioned, but I do not want, as I want my children to grow up in a perfect family. We have a "good" talk, and I changed on my part. Things I do like stay up to wait for him, or accompany him when he works late, spend some time to talk to him (no matter how tired I am), control my emotions, and lots more. I can also see he has changed, more willing to talk about his work... but still his usual self. What more can I ask from a husband...
Mr Lee, we both dated and got married as we love one another. But as times goes by, with work, family, and other responsibilities, we have forgotten to do "small" loving things to show our reassurance, care and concern. We don't talk much, as no time, and the only topics we talk about would be children. And we spend time on weekend with children around. He found another love because he has forgotten his responsibilities, and feels that he's back to his young time.
It is hardwork to maintain a relationship. I actually read a book-Men from Mars, Women from Venus, to understand my situation, as I want my family to stay together. Eventhough, I try to trust him (I used to checked on him, his hp, emails and stuffs), now I don't, as I'm very tired doing it. Work things out with your wife... She will appeciate it.
I'm not in your shoe, or to advice you to leave the gal, but I'm trying to tell you spend more time with your wife(without the children), understand her situation, have a good heart to heart talk.
I believe your love towards that girl is just a lust its not true love, My MIL told me before once married your partner is with you forever and is fate that you and your partner is made husband and wife. If you fall in love with another girl its just a lust its not fate. Even you divorce and married that girl it won't last long cause you will miss the lust again once that girl have child and no time for you.
Have you thought of why you and your wife drift apart? becos she have no time for you? busy taking care of the kids. Communication don't have to be face to face you can sms email or write a letter to your wife.Sometimes face to face communication is not easy.
Get time off from your kids bring your wife out to shopping, movies, drinks. or even travel overseas. i am sure you will find that you are enjoying the time with her like you spent time with that girl. Even shopping at supermarket also bring both u closer.
Make up your mind, if you chose lust over family i guess is not worth it after all. Any why you married your wife if you don't love her? Why you build a family with her and destroy it.
I think you should go out with your friends for a day, and sms your hubby your feelings, instead of face to face communication, NO hush words ok.
Both of you need to be seperate for while then come back to each other again. Really spend a day out with your friends ask your hubby to go out with his own friend. Sometimes slience can help. Talk when both are cool. When your hubby scream at you, just keep slient until he cools down and talk to you otherwise wait till next day then speak to him.
Yes you might have your own thinking but don't push to hard on your partner, Share your idea agree or disagree just accept it.
When i quarrel with my hubby i will keep slient when he shout at me not talking to him until talk to me in a cool way.
When both are hot temper theres is no point continue screaming and shout at each other. It will make things worse.
The absolute worst thing that you could do now is to procrastinate further. I am not going to say you should go back to your wife, because this is a decision you have to make and live with yourself.
In fact, you mentioned that you have no more love for your wife. If this is so, maybe the best thing is to let her go and find her own happiness. What you cannot give her, maybe another man can. Either way, she would be better off away from a man who leads a secret parallel life with another.
Is she financially secure? If yes, then that's good for her. If not, maybe it's time you start steering her towards that direction.
If you would like to rebuild your marriage, then you MUST cease all contact with the other woman. Change your job if needed.
As for your new love, you should come clean with her about you being married. If you choose her, and she feels you are worth it, she would definitely wait a few more months for you (as you divorce your wife).
But then hor, if Lee tells both women now ( without having himself made any decision).
Then say the wife wants to save the marriage, while the other woman left him.
If he stays on with the wife because the other woman dumped him, this might just bring more pain and heartbreak to the wife in the future (cos he did not choose the wife over the other woman, mainly fell back on the wife as a spare tyre...until the next sweet young thing comes along?).
I still think Lee should look within himself and make a decision by himself first.
He must know what he wants and stand by the decision.
If not, he is merely inflicting more pain and wasting more of the precious time of the 2 women (that he probably would claim)are most important in his life.
mr lee just something to share with you
which i heard from some1 and i feel very true looking at ppl around
normally when a man has two wives, the first wife is the one he loves and who he marries out of love. The first wife is also the inexperienced one as usually she does not have the experience of being a man's wife
The second wife is normally the one who he gets to fill the man's needs which were lacking from his inexperienced first wife. be it lust or physical or emotional needs to fill. she might also be the more scheming one who have things all nicely planned out for him.
thus, sometimes a man has 2 woman .. 1 whom he really loves and 1 to fill his needs but isnt it gd if the first wife has all the qualities. a wife who he loves and whom takes care of all his needs. but cos the first wife is normally the innoceent inexperienced wife, thus it takes time effort and communication on the part of the husband to communicate it to his wife wat he needs and want.
Mr Lee, you should break up with the gal, you must be fair to your wife. I believe your wife is also working hard to maintain this marriage.. It is not easy to build up a family. Therefore you must treasure it truly in your heart.
Hey Lee, I've seen real example of wife busied with work and children and neglecting the husband and use this as an excuse to stray or attempt to stray...
I can tell that you really dote on your children and want to give them the best you can including a complete family. However, i hope as much as you are thinking of your children, you can think for your wife and the sacrifices she had made for you and the family.
I really feel it's very stressful for us women to be working mums and got to cope with work, household chores, children and also husband yearning for attention at the same time. It's easier for guys to seek comfort elsewhere as the temptation is huge but a married woman with child could hardly do these.
I'm nt trying to say that men will 100% stray and women won't. Pls don't challenge that. I just felt pitiful for women to be juggling so many things and issues and yet got to deal with all these craps. Just my personal thoughts..
The girl casually asked if i am married...i didnt take the first step in telling her...she asked and i told her the truth. She didn't look surprise, or i guess maybe other people who knew i am married have told her...
thanks.i hope i can love my wife as much as i love my 2 children. I can only hope for the best.
After reading what u have written in this thread. I feels that you should give up the gal and go back to your family, since u unable to let go this family... Things can be solve, ur relationship with ur wife really takes time to recover back. You have a happy family, with a wife who always there for u, loves u, lovely kids, why u want to destroy it with ur bare hands just cos of a gal? Its more on crush feelings and not all people can last on this. Dunno since when no feeling for ur wife? Then u got to ask urself, why u will feels that way? Cos of both busy with own stuff? Time is how u manage it, nothing is unable to solve, its how u going or want to solve it or not. U understand?
I am just sharing my view of what u wrote, cos everyone have diff point of view =)
At the end of the day, decision is up to u, u really have to make up ur mind, time allow u to drag, but the more u drag will effect the r/s of u and ur wife and unfair to the other gal, esp if u want to have clear cut with that gal, better dun drag, as u may let the gal or urself even have more feelings for each other..
...I know it's unfair to both parties...i have not been seeing the girl except in office.but relation with my wife does not improve...i mean it's hard, when your heart is no longer with her. The only thing that keeps me there are my children. i have made the decision to stay...i know i haave to hang on.
Yes, I agreed with Tired Mum. Mr Lee, please be fair to you wife, love her but not cos of the children. I believe, in few mths down the road, u will come back to this forum and tell us, that u stay on cos of kids and u wasnt happy at all and u have regret.. pls.... since u choose to stay on, u have to really be faithful to ur wife and love her like what u did before. Maybe can try to chase her like what u did during ur courtship days...
Sometimes we dun really 'un-love' someone; we just forgot how to love him/her. There are many reasons why we could forget. Do try to think back what makes u fall in love with her and why u decide to marry her in the 1st place. Has she changed a lot since then, or have u? Have a word with her n let her understand that something's lacking and come out with ways to find love again.
There is always miracle in love. I believe all it takes is initiative.
if you want to remain in a loveless marriage, then it should be mature decision. It is not fair to your partner to hold on to her emotions and giving her false hopes when u have no intention to rebuild the relationship at all.
Think carefully over what you want. To rebuild or remain status quo and look elsewhere for the fulfillment of the void. Whatever decision, u guys needs to communicate, if not as couple but also as parents. no?
Yup, we all wrote all our advise in this thread, but afterall, decision is up to u to decide and how u going through whatever u have choosen. U just need to know what u decision once u choose, never look back and regret ... =) u cant have everything perfect in this world, Mr Lee. All the best to u
New to this forum and I need help. Not too sure if u guys can advise me on this.
My husband and I were married since 2006 and was blessed with a baby last yr. We used to argue alot during the first yr of marriage over my parents in law and we had no choice but to stay with them cos the resale hdb was scoring high. Mother in law made my life very miserable by setting alot of rules and regulations such as, I have to wash my own clothes in the house, but limited to only 1 bamboo stick. On the first arguement we had after marriage, my hubby left the house to cool off and my MIL came into my room and gave me a lecturing, told me to go out n look for my hubby at 1.30am at nite, and it was a tuesday. I was so fearful cos there were alot of indians downstairs n I cried to my parents n they told me to go home. When my hubby came back, he was very angry at his mum n told her off. And when my PILs knew tt my parents told me to go home, they said tt I am blowing up matters.
Ok, tt was in e past. Now we finally got a house n out of my MIL's nonsense. I thought things were finally normal. Just as I thought, I discovered tt my hubby had another gf n he contacted her whenever he made me go back to stay at my parents place claiming that he needs to work. I trusted him but only fall into disappointment when I discovered his cheating actions. I confronted him and he said tt he did it out of stress from the marriage. Stating tt it was becos I am unable to get along with his mum.
Honestly, I felt tt it was a very lame excuse for his cheating. I asked him to make a decision n he said he wanted the marriage n family. I said fine, den now I want him to break up wif e gal, blk n delete her from msn. He said he'll do it but he needs some time. Cos he needs to think how to break up with the gal without hurting her. I was crying very badly and he told me to stop being drama.
I told him I am a human and I had feelings also. I told him that I am unable to forgive him for the time being n I need time to build my trust in him again. He got angry and said tt I was being difficult. My aim was to get back at him. I felt so heartbroken when he said tt, becos to me, he made me feel as if I am like his dog. He wants me to go where, I have to go, wants this to b done, I have to do it, even cheating on me, he wants me to forgive him, n I should. But I just feel that enough is enough. Shouldnt it be time I make my own decisions?
I told him I don't want to stay at home n look after his baby anymore. He refused. He gives me a feeling tt he wanted me to stay home not because he thinks I did a good job. More rather that he needs someone to do tt n only e real mother would delicate her life to the child. And besides, he hardly gave me cash n when I had to ask him for allowance, he'd give me 20, 50 n sometimes tt lasted me for 2 wks. I have no choice sometimes when I need to purchase something so I had to use e card. In e end, every month he'd complain tt I used his card.
Honestly, I felt like a prisoner. And now knowing everything, I feel tt it is time to exit. Only thing is my baby. Everyone was telling me to give him another chance becos of the baby. But when I asked him if he would cheat on me again, he cannot give me a clear answer.
I am feeling so hurt, betrayed and angry. I really dunno wat should be the right thing to do anymore. Can someone advise me on this?
To add to it, the gal knows tt he is married with a baby by the way. According to him, the gal is waiting for us to divorce so tt she can be with him. But he said even if we divorce, he'll nt be with her.
I search for the gal on friendster n facebook and indeed she's pretty. I told him I'll give him my blessings.
Mr Lee, I read wat happened and your behavior is exactly like my hubby. Do u know how painful it is for your wife? I can tell u the hurt is doubled esp u know u have his child. Becos after going through everything, the least a husband can do for e wife is to love her n appreciate her. But instead, been betrayed was e present the husband gave to the wife in return for the pain she went through.
I feel like giving men like u a tight slap across ur cheek but I feel that I shouldnt slope so low like u men. That is why I think the best punishment for this kinda behavior is to exit gracefully. And I intend to leave my baby with him to serve him a reminder tt his child had a broken family because of his selfishness.
Many may label me as a cruel heartless mummy, but after all the good I have done, what did I get in return?
you really ought to go to see a counsellor.
Honestly, human are naturaly attracted to carefree and very cheerful people coz they give us the energy to keep going in life.
So long as you cut the source, and find your happiness elsewhere, such as watching your children grow, watching comedies etc, you can get the young gal out of your mind.
but while you talk about drifting apart with your wife, have you put in enough effort to rekindle the love?