Ex-wife wants to patch back

[maybelove]

Hi all... i am currently very unsure of myself.. unsure of things... I am dating my bf for 3 to 4 yrs and were planning for the future. Submitted application for house, etc.

Recently his ex-wife contacted him and wanted to patch back. All these while, they do not contact each other at all except for money, kids-related, etc. He had told her that he had already start a new life with me and already planned for the future. She threatened to kill herself if he doesn't return. She requested to meet me to talk things over and how to settle this situation. We went to meet her and when there is no room for discussion as she was being unreasonable. She totally disregard the fact that they were divorced. When we are about to leave, she took out her pen knife and cut her wrist in public; made a scene and all.

Nothing serious.. as she called him only hours later saying her hand is numb and asked him to send her to A&E. He called to inform me and assure me that there is nothing between her. Went to A&E, doc attend to her injury and refer her to IMH. She refused to go as she thinks that there is nothing wrong with her.

Now, he was devastated. I am the one he wants to be with and he is happy when he is with me. But he is afraid that she will commit suicide if he don't return. He feared that she will hurt me as she kept threatening to wait for me at my void deck; going to my parents, etc. He is afraid she will hurt the kids too.

I really do not know what to do...

 

[kessie83]

seriously i am lost for words... If ur husband were to return to her for fear that his ex wife might commit suicide, then he is just pitying her, and also giving up his own happiness for the sake of pitying one whom he don't love anymore.
Maybe can fetch the kids over to stay with him rather than letting her look after the kids.

Or maybe getting friends or relatives to counsel her..he shouldnt be giving u up so easily, just becos others threaten him.

 

[simpleman]

kessie,

I would ask the woman to DIE.

Bring the woman to her family. Told her in front of her family that it is ALL OVER. And if she wants to die, die in front of everyone. And that NOTHING to do with her already.

 

[maybelove]

i dunno.... currently she is staying with her mother and her mother is looking after the kids.. i dunno why out of sudden she behaved this way... i dunno what she wants... all these while... she is enjoying and clubbing and apparently go holiday with a guy. These were known to him through their common friends.

i am very confused and unsure. I am really afraid he will return and leave me...

he kept telling me she very poor thing...

 

[kessie83]

SM.. yeah i will also ask her to go and die lo.. but then scare people in the forum say i heartless mah....if talk no use, then ask her go die lo....

i hate people who commit suicide to threaten others to get what they wan. My bf ex gf uses such approach too... but my bf just ignore her sms, her call and her email. Soon, she get over when she find that people don care abt her at all.

When she is enjoying and clubbing, doesn't seem like she will seek to die. But when she finished enjoying, she wanna die to make him go back...How selfish can that be? Then when ur bf decided to go back to her one day, will she start going clubbing and enjoy, and ask ur bf to go and die?
I donno what i am talking also... anyway... just ignore her...

 

[simpleman]

People threatening to die.. just want attention. if they really want to die, they would have been dead long time ago.

 

[maybelove]

i dunno... my bf kept thinking that she is very poor thing... i had reminded him of what have she done to him when they are going thru divorce and all the fight she put up just to take half of his money in his bank.. demand high maintenance fee.. etc.

hai....

 

[maybelove]

ya... i agree with u, sm.

if realli want to die will just quietly go commit suicide instead of keep saying and saying. Or even cutting her wrist in front of all of us.

i knew she was up to tricks but he just can't seems to see it.

after the big drama, she is "back to normal" not saying commit suicide coz my bf told her what she is doing was wrong and she is just threatening him to return. But she told him she is trying to make him return and not threatening... Now, she kept sms-ing/calling him asking what he doing? have you eaten? home aleady? i will worry if u not home, etc...

i knew because my bf told me and show me the smses she sent... I dunno whether i should keep my faith in him...

 

[rafflesjay]

Ask ur bf to make a decision quick lor. A firm decision.
Telling him girls dont like to wait and you hav no time to waste.

 

[maybelove]

Rafflesjay... the problem is he cant... he is too afraid that she might realli commit suicide. hai...

 

[simpleman]

maybelove.

don't have to tell your bf about the bad things she did. no.

maybe since your bf is saying she so pitiful.. ask him to go back to her lah..

Is that what he wants? If not, then wake-up and move on..

 

[kessie83]

Your bf got to be firm here! She is being paranoid and selfish... while ur bf is being too soft hearted and confused...

At this point of time, i guess ur bf is being confused and lost as he is unsure what he should do.
By choosing either one, he might hurt either one of u or his ex wife.

Don push him to do anything, don need to badmouth his ex wife. Maybe u should communicate to ur bf, tell him that no matter what happen, u will be there for him to face all sort of problems...but don ever give him up for his ex wife...

If his ex wife don love herself (by trying to resort to death), then she shouldnt expect others to love her.

 

[maybelove]

ya... he is very soft hearted and confused...

i did not push him to do anything... trying to keep his sane... he even tot of leaving me and not returning to her... or having me n her... haiz

 

[simpleman]

indecisive man needs to be push into a corner to make a decision..

I am not asking you to pressure him.. yes you can continue to support him.. but after a while, some decision has to be made.. somehow you have to force the issue..

 

[simpleman]

maybe work out a time frame.. ask him to agree on a time frame to sort everything out..

 

[kessie83]

He can never have both world in his hand. If he really wan to leave, it is his choice, but then does it make him happier? I don think so, he is trying to act like a saint?

I would nv self sacrifice if i were ur bf..Don wan to make myself regret for the rest of my life.
Even if he left u, his ex wife will still continue to pester him.

Unless he is giving u excuses to leave u as he still carry a torch for her.. or he still love her.

There is nothing much u can do actually, but then just let him know how much u love him, u will go thru everything with him. What u can do now is to make him stay...and PRAY!!! God Bless u!

 

[maybelove]

he knows he wont be happi if he return.. he knows she will continue to use threats...

maybe he just need time...

 

[rafflesjay]

hmm... guess your mind is fix.
No choice just wait for things to happen thn plan.

 

[simpleman]

he needs time.. but it cannot be indefinite...

 

[simpleman]

actually I don't know what sort of time he needs... need to think about what?

He already divorced.. He should already have the answers.. you mean now then he think again?

My feeling is you have to force the issue one way or another.. don't drag too long

 

[sgbabydoll]

I find indecisive men very unattractive.

 

[clipperjunk]

he can warn the wife that if she continues to act out, he can report her to take the kids away...

anycase, it's tough luck for you to have to face this...perhaps you should give the man time alone and a long enough deadline to settle this...don't go into a marriage and then have to face the complexities....

 

[maybelove]

dunno... i am very confused myself...

find the whole thing very bizzare

 

[powderful07]

Maybelove,

Allow me to be a bit harsh here...

Actually you're no better than your BF. All your posts so far DOES NOT indicates any willingness on YOUR END to take any affirmative actions...

Your comments reeks of "what if" "maybe"...and it's not going to help you in any other way...

It will not help the BOTH of you (your bf and you!) if BOTH PARTIES are unwilling to take any actions...

The solution is simple:
You need to set an ultimatum to your boyfriend in the gentlest possible way (I can understand the predicament that he is in; it can be a confusing time for him).

Tell him that you'll give him one month to think it over; without you influencing him.
He and he alone needs to do some self evaluation on what he wants in his life.

Tell him that you expect a decision from him after that one month.

Tell him also that it's not fair for both women to cling on to hopes that he'll choose her instead of the other.

Don't keep on stalling like what you're doing now. Take some action for goodness sake.

 

[maybelove]

thanks powerful.

i already told him what i want.. but somehow made him more headache...

he just doesnt want to hurt her too..

my frens were telling me to keep my faith in him. just give him time and he will know what to do.. it was just to shocking for him now as she threatened to commit suicide.

 

[powderful07]

Maybelove...

Heck care...it NEEDS to be a painful process for him given what he's going through. If it's not painful then he's more likely to be a cold-blooded person with no emotions and you wouldn't be faced with this situation right now. And you'll end up wondering what's wrong with this man... Correct?

Pain is good for him. It shows that he is a compassionate person. It makes him grow up a little in life; and if he made the right choice; it'll serve him well in the latter part of his life....with you...

Give him time to get over the shock on his ex's suicide threat. Once he got over that, he should be able to evaluate things in a more rational manner.

Good luck and take care.

 

[maybelove]

hope so...

i hope he wasn't that affected by the suicidal threats.. right now his whole mind revolve round the thought of what if she really went to commit suicide.. or hurt me... i am afraid that he might decide irrationally.

guess i would have to wait for him to calm down first...

 

[powderful07]

People who threatens with suicide WHEN there's people around to save them; generally ain't suicidal...It's just more a last resort cry for attention to get what they want...

Trust me on this...

It's those people that shows no symptoms that really does it...unfortunately, it happens to one of my frens...so I'm speaking from experience...

Just continue to show your love and care to your bf during this troubling time.
REMEMBER: Don't add to his worries at this stage!
Just let him think it through now.

 

[kessie83]

Actually i wonder why u guys will feel the need to push his bf for an answer/decision now. I thought that usually guys will utimately feel frustrated if they are being forced or pressed for an answer t this moment?

 

[maybelove]

totally agreed. i don't believe she will kill herself.. if u are realli so bent on ending your life, why would you want to do it in front of ppl...but he and his frens don't seems to get it..

i am just keeping my finger crossed that my bf will come to realise that she is just pulling tricks.

i will stay strong during this period... show love and care.. hoping it will turn out good.

 

[vallous]

maybelove,

i would say you should prepare yourself for something like this to happen..however i do not mean that this issue of the ex-wife to commit suicide. But you know your bf is a divorcee and with children as well. This is just one of the likely baggage that you have to endure when you decided to date him.

No matter what that is his ex-wife and the mother to his children. There is no way he can have a clean cut away from her, dont talk abt he having feelings for his ex-wife ( he sure have some..if not why he married her in the first place so its not surprising he doesnt feel its difficult to stay with her back again since he knows her for so long and they had children together). And there is nothing you can do except to totally support and accept him.

No point you throw him an ultimation. Just stay neutral and let him decide by himself.

 

[powder]

simplest way is to hire a guy to woo her then dump her... ask him to threaten to commit suicide if she doesn't accept his love... pay the guy 2k a mth over 3mths.

 

[kessie83]

That is a good idea Powder. Let her taste her own poison...

 

[maybelove]

haha... not a bad idea.. but very evil for me to do that...

i am almost certain that the guy who woo her/went holiday with her after the divorce had recently dump her. Else I really see no reason why she came back suddenly after minimal contact with my bf.

 

[rafflesjay]

who doesn't want sense of security.
If your bf cant give it to you ... .... .....

 

[maybelove]

his ex-wife has lost it again.

she wanted him to help her with the packing on sunday as they are moving out. my bf told her that he will have to tell me and we will be going to holiday soon. And she flare up, saying nasty things, saying given the situation we are in now, he still can go out with me.

her frens start to bombard him with sms/calls, scolding him how could her do this n that..

and he started feeling very stressed and pissed and wanted to just leave me and her alone. Coz she will be super pissed and find problem with him when we are together.

 

[powderful07]

That depends on whether whether if your bf AGREED to help her on the packing up in the first place or did he already have plans on the holiday first.

IF he had AGREED to helping her; then well, he screwed up...

If he didn't agreed and you two already had plans made then your bf should have just done the decent thing and ignore her ex-wife unreasonable requests...
And if I were him; I would have flipped my middle finger to ALL HER EX-WIFE'S FRENS!

Why the fcuk should he be responsible for any of her ex-wife's actions if he didn't promised her anything?! And why the fcuk does her frens have any say on this as well?

Seriously, I'm starting to feel that your bf is pretty soft and don't really know how to stand up for himself...Has he always been like this???

If he's not in the wrong; why let something like this affect him?

 

[maybelove]

our plan to go holiday was 2 wks later... he just told her so that she wont kick a big fuss or do stupid things when she cant find him.

ya.. the ex-wife's frens are ridiculous... imagine them scolding him as though wat we were doing are wrong.. i.e. going out as usual, going holiday, etc. Her frens are out of the mind too. No wonder the ex-wife is insane too. They just dun seems to get it that my bf n the ex-wife were divorce and i am his gf.

*roll eyes*

ya, my bf, he is quite soft hearted and he felt indebted to her. I understand how he feels... i don't blame him.. Just that he needed time to sort of his thoughts... his ex-wife and her frens are just ridiculous...

 

[powder]

he prob did her wrong... else frens unlikely to be so blind to intervene unless he did her wrong in the first place... tat's my logical explanation

 

[simpleman]

wrong or no wrong.. already divorce.. bridge under the water. what is there to say. even if feel bad and pity.. also no use.

The ex-wife should move on... there is more in life in trying to cling to the past

 

[kessie83]

Wait!!! Maybelove, do u have any idea why they wanna divorce in the first place?

After reading so much, i got a feeling that maybe afterall, ur bf didnt wan a divorce in the first place, and he might not have gotten over his ex wife all this while yet. I see no reason why in the first place do he wanna let his ex wife know that u guys are going for a trip 2 weeks later or still continue to entertain her nonsenses.

Could it be that ur bf still giving her false hopes? Or making some promises to her, which lead her to confide in her friends her "side story", and resulted in her friends having something to say to their r/s.

He is trying to lead both of u on, if he continues to be that soft, and it seems like he is doing nothing to solve the current situation. If that is the case, i suggest u to give him a time frame. Maybe, he is just giving u excuses so that he can return back to his ex wife. I wont jump to any conclusion yet, but someone just got to put a stop to end this misery...and it's him.

 

[maybelove]

its becoz of the kids, thats why he is entertaining her nonsense for the fear she threaten to do things to them too. he is definitely not going back to her.

i dunno whether is he giving her false hopes.. but from the sms-es that he showed me (those that her frens sent), it appeared to me that his ex-wife is twisting the story around..

 

[cuclainne]

kessie, him and the ex-wife have children together so i think it's ok for him to tell her if he's going out of town in case of emergencies.

 

[cuclainne]

no matter what, they are her friends first and are more liable to listen and believe her side of the story .. highly unlikely that they're sensible people who realise there are two sides to every story cos sometimes emotions can just sweep sensibility under the carpet.

 

[chelsea_tan]

hi maybelove,

could it be that he wants the best of both world....I'm sure he still has feelings for his ex wife and that's the reason for him to come out with so many excuses and for being indecisive. They are already divorce and he can show his concern to his kids but not to this extend as he maybe sending his ex wife the wrong signal.hope you can settle your problem asap.....all the best

 

[alcifertoh]

I feel that your Guy is really indecisive. He's just succumbing to her threats. I mean hell what if you threaten suicide also? double whammy?

Okie. I don't mean you need to go do that. But if he is concerned with the kids, he should just see what arrangements he can make to safeguard their best interest. Not just trying to "balance" the situation with both sides and fall to the "threat".

The ex wife never wanna die. She just want to live. And now she is gripping on to your guy and whatever comes along to make living easier. Come on lah a person who wanna die still asked to be sent to A&E? Like I always suggest. Not wrist. Jacular Vein lah dei. Such people just have no goals in their life and depends on others to get it. Very likely along come another guy for her and she will be very alive again.

You have to decide for yourself. Apparently he seems not to be doing anything and if you are still leaving it to him, then this can go on forever. The others had given good advices of setting a time limit for him to consider and such. Got to think for yourself. Otherwise imagine even if you'll progress on, there'll be someone knocking at your door daily with a penknife in hand.

 

[maybelove]

thanks for all the advices.

I knew she will never wanna die.. just putting on an act oni... lik i mentioned earlier, i am almost certain that the guy she was with had dumped her.. why would a guy bring her to holiday, give her sub-card, etc right? wonder where this guy is now...

i will go think about what is the next step...

 

[vallous]

ok after hearing what you said, give your bf a set time frame.

He is too indecisive, not only he is wasting his time on both of you. He isnt a good father to his kids at all. Putting them in such a situation where their mother and father both dunno what they are doing..and then there is a father's gf out there.

Poor kids.

maybemaybe, there is no need to speculate abt whether his ex-wife is dumped or not. Just settled the issue quickly.

 

[happygal958]

I think actually your bf still caring with the wife. Is it possible for your bf to ask for children custody? Give the reason that the mother is may mentally disturbed. Give the evidence that she's trying to kill her self, threat him so many times. It could harm the children as well.

 

[kessie83]

U know what.. i agree that ur bf should get the children custody also...So his ex wife can seek for 2nd love easier. Maybe becos his ex wife is having the children to herself, thats why not many guys can take it when dating a woman with kids. Sound like buy 1 get 1 free to me.

Maybe she realized that she is no longer attractive as compared to the past, becos of her kids, thus she find it harder to find 2nd love, and wanna get back to ur bf.
Or Maybe... that guy ditch her becos of the kids...