Emotional struggle


New Member

me and my bf has been in a long distance relationship for several years as he is not a singaporean..
somehow we had a turbulence relationship and we did ever break off in between for several times but to cut the story short, we always end up talking and being back together again

we got engaged 4 years ago but certain things happen in between and he got himself into deep financial stress
due to failure in investments decision and he went to a so call "depression" , occuring mood swings etc
i felt disappointed as i couldnt c any future in us since he is very much indulge into his own life, working and making money and regaining his life back.... ..... but nothing much plan for us , and how we will be able to live together in one place ...

As he is extremely busy making money back to clear his debts etc, although he claim that he also feel very sad about the current situation about us , but there is nothing much he can do since now he has no money and cant do much,
He is those big ego type that wun be able to accept any financial help from me no matter how bad his situation is

I felt really disappointed as i also feel that he is not considering how i feel at all, i am not difficult to satisfy person financially and i m those that think that if we are able to be together, we can work things out even financially.

I am holding a good job in sg and honestly speaking, my life is pretty comfortable here, i earn decent income and have savings, I m in mid 30s and he is 38
He feel that currently he did not want to drag me into his financial stress and we will end up with a lot of quarrels if we stay together as financial stability is very important to him and he like to take care and provide for me type .

in between when i m in sg, i try to give myself chance to try to go out and know new man but somehow, no one is able to last and somehow i just find no one as suitable as my bf and i cant let go of my feelings for him

I m very sad about our situation as very afraid of wasting so much of my time and youth without knowing the outcome ...

I did tink about just quitting my job here n just go and insist to stay with him, hoping things can work out ...although i have no family or any financial committment in sg, but a part of me is just afraid of the risk as i dunno if i realli can be happy there ... .... and also i know he wun welcome me initially but hoping he can just accept it after some time when things already happen as i feel when in real, face to face, is a different situation .. currently cos since we only communicate through the phone, is very easy to just go into cold war for a period after some disagreements... whereas in real, is easier to resolve any unhappinness or quarrel
Later, i will try to find a job there , luckily currently financially i m self sufficient
but to him doesnt matter cos he will not take any of my money for support, if i m there , he has to take care of me thats what he feel

or when i really tried and never work , i know in my heart that i already tried instead of us leaving the existing situation hanging in e air ................

if i do that, what i lose is a job in sg which i could be able to find another job somehow later i feel.....

am i right to think lilke that ?


New Member
it is just a simple choice of between your carrer or him.

hei women, don't give in too much or you will end up loosing everything. If i were you, i will leave him for good. even only a small financial matter he is not able to handle himself, what is something really big ? He is already 38.

sometime people like to blame anything except themself. let say, if you help him, he will feel even more worse he has to pay you. something like "no face". Either way, don't try to loose your job. we are all heading to somewhere that we can not see or predict. it is better safe than sorry.


fish or cut bait. in this relationship, what is fishing to you? in other words, what do you hope to get out of this relationship? what's your bottom line beyond which you will give up trying? and what will you do and how much time will you give for this outcome to take place?


New Member
why give up what you have in certainty to pursue something that is so remote....i have daughters and always tell them education & career over men...


New Member
carrer is a right choice. but for a women life without a man is also like an empty shell.

but over all, better take care of ourself than others. hehehe....


New Member
"He feel that currently he did not want to drag me into his financial stress and we will end up with a lot of quarrels if we stay together as financial stability is very important to him and he like to take care and provide for me type . " - Will it be worse if you move over and end up jobless? If you realli want to consider moving to be with him, it is better for you to secure a job in that country first?


New Member
any kind of relationship is hard to sustain without a common goal in sight .. you've been engaged for 4 years now and still there's no sign of commitment.

i feel that you're just wasting your precious years waiting for him .. if he was really serious, he would have done something by now.

my husband and i got married about a year after he proposed AND he moved here for me. he had about $5K in all, i hardly had any savings but we took the plunge anyways. now we have two children, going through ups and downs together but we wouldn't have it any other way.

how much more of your life are you going to keep waiting for him?


New Member
well, i know i am wasting my years in a way waiting for him and i really hate myself for my weak character to keep hanging on in a way without being to totally let him go....

we just start talking again after 5 months,during this period, he contact me via close to 40 emails without a single reply from me ....eventually i relented and start talking to him again...but once again feeling disappointed as there is no outcome with him insisting that he has no money and nothin he can do about us at the moment.. he is working very hard everyday yet cant give me any definate plans or committment....all i had to do is to wait n wait n wait....

yet in my heart i cant let go...

i have tried knowing some other guys but somehow things cant work out and emotionally i m very tired

i really not sure what should i do
i tink i m a emotionally weak person which is not those strong type that say let go means let go...


Active Member
u quit your job and look for him - it will be the biggest miatske for both of u. he wil not keep u nor will he appreciate... u are not a priority and u will not be until his career is on track. even then, if he is talking abt finances n careers first, u're also not the right one for him...

if he doesn't get his finances right, he will not be in the right frame of mind to get married. u are marrying a half-completed man.

if he accepts your help to get back on track, it is only a stop-gap... it's like mum paying for son's debts. it doesn't make the son a subsequent success. he will feel less than half-a-man and seeing u daily will only remind him of that. he will eventually wonder if he married u out of obligation or love.

if u let him be, u may lose him and u will. but he will be the man he should be and u should be the woman u should be, even if u feel like half-a-woman without him... u will realise that loving a person is abt helping them find themselves, and not just helping them financially or in other materials.. by doing that, most women are hoping for an emotional reward, so let's not kid ourselves.

u can call it ego, but pple need some basic ego to lift their chin and face the world... if a person can't face the world, he will never feel as peace with the world. u will never be truly happy becos he will never be truly happy.


New Member
I know he hold a big ego..
his family is rather self-sufficient type, i mean dun need to ask for his financial support type, but he refuse to ask them for any financial help.... that is something i hold up to him..

knowing him , i never volunteer to render any form of financial support to him and will never do so..

Going there, my intention is to just end this whole episode of long distance relationship and being able to stay in e same location, having a normal relationship. Financially i would be able to take care of myself and he can do whatever he needed to regain his financial strength...

he used to be like a "shao ye", living a comfy n smooth life before this major setback in his life set in. In a way, i am glad that he is able to pick up his pieces along the way on his own, standing up again

When i never make it happen to really try and be with him in a same place really "living " our lives together to see if everything is ok or not , and my heart is unable to let go completely when i never tried ...

I know i sound rather silly and stupid to say like that but this is just honestly how i feel for a long time.....

i think for a long time and unknowingly, 4 years has passed since our engagement


New Member
sorry but have you considered that he might not be willing to move forward because he has a family back home?? is this even a possibility?

before i got married to my husband and this was after he proposed, i went to his home country and lived with him for two months. during this time, we got to know more about each other, i got to meet his family and friends.


New Member
during his most difficult period, he can choose the easy way out to come here and "tou gao" me,but he didnt...
he wanted to stand up on his own feets and now he finally know what he is going to do to regain his financial strength and is very passionate about it.

Of cos, he is selfish at the same time cos on his side, he couldnt let go of me yet cant give me any plans or committment as to whats next for us......

i have tried other options , date other man, somehow cant realli move nor able to feel any happinness in my heart..

This year, dunno why after the cool off period of 5-6 months to realli think through the thought of doing extreme measures set in... the thought of "MUST " do something to change is becoming very strong

moreover, i encounter some changes in my job, change of boss etc, which further add on to the "push" factor ...



New Member
bunny: indeed, there are some things whereby we wun let go till we tried and tested it. You may sound silly but again, if you think it is worth ur "sacrifice" to try and make it work, why not? Noone can fault anyone for having this mentality, only the person will know if it is worth it. The bottomline is so long there is no regrets with the consequences, be it good or bad.


New Member
"i have tried other options , date other man, somehow cant realli move nor able to feel any happinness in my heart.. " - u didn't let go of him in your heart, how to get true happiness from another person? Comparsions set in and he will appear "everywhere" in your mind regardless of how much fun you might have..


New Member
hi cuclainne,

him having a family back home is impossible, i have lived w him and his family b4 for a period of time b4 he relocate to another country, living alone now for the last 2 years

just b4 we start speaking again, he send me email invite me to his family short vacation trip fully paid by his bro , but i didnt agree cos i dunno what i want at that time and the timing didnt match as well ... ...

his concentration is only work and finances, woman is only secondary


Active Member
u just said woman is secondary... which i also agree and think so. if u need the closure, then go. just be prepared i guess...


New Member
i have been thinking for a few years already, think i just got too comfy w my job n life etc that i never take action to change the situation....

but my concern is what if he insisted on his position n not want me to go over,should i still insist, pack n go w e mindset of moving to a new country to experience new life, not just 100% cos of him would make myself feel better?

ultimately i think given time, he should be able to accept my move, what u all think?and may find that eventually it may be a good thing...

since if u leave him alone there too long, he can never be firm enough to make up his mind since he has so many concerns over his life now, afraid of me suffer w him etc..

in our 1st few years of reln when he is financially good n stable, he treated me like a princess type,but once he turn poor, he just shun me away , dun wanna me c him poor lilke that....

i dun understand at first why man ego can be so strong tat they only want woman to enjoy wealth with them.....


New Member
money is the symbol of power in man. some man will feel worthless without money. but don't blame him wor. you want to blame? blame the system. anything nowadays have a price tag. even your own dignity.

when a man say he does not want you to go, he really mean it. if you insist, you will face the consequences.


New Member
the way i see it - you going there could lead to one of two outcomes .. either he'll accept you with open arms or he doesn't. wouldn't it be better for you to take some vacation time to go over and see him to talk things over, instead of just quitting?

he's spent the last two years living on his own - he has his life there, you have your life here. anything could have happened.


New Member
its been a while, just an update...........
we started talking and i will be leaving tomorrow night to meet him for a vacation together in another country
a chance to access again and to see how the feeling will go this time ....

I guess during the vacation, my priority is to see if we will relinquish our feelings and " happy moments "together? , afterall we havent met for 10 months, longest ever record

i feel that keep " talking n pressing" on a topic that he had no answer abt will only stress both of us out .. . ??
any strategy to work on ??

after the vacation, i tink i will be more ascertain on my forthcoming plans ... or how i should move on


New Member
all the best, bunny!
hope u will find an answer soon!


New Member
You cannot cheat your heart, baby.

Why ignore him for 40 emails?

Wake up! Wake up~

Stay around him and check things out. Don't try to jump to conclusions on you and him. If he truly loves you and you just cling to another for 'commitment', it'd become very complicated (and disasterous) when he has settled his financial woes and returns for you...

You should only check and make sure he's not the guy for you then you can leave. He could be emailing you while hugging a babe; he could have alot things you should know and he should explain PERSONALLY.

Just remember, if you marry somebody else while your heart starts to breed whenever you see him... ... Do not marry anyone just for the sake of marriage.

Trust me. If he does love you truly madly deeply, he'd one day be back in your life again, and you won't like that... especially when you will see him again with another man's baby.

But also, please beware of foreigners' extortion of money with fake love. This is the real issue. I don't see why you shouldn't wait for him if he does love you and he matters to you that much.

After all, your beauty and youth is meant to attract the man who will sweep your feet away. If he's the man... he's the man lah~ LOL~


New Member

been awhile and like to share some updates....
In May , we went for a 8 days wonderful romantic vacation and it was a great time overall. Eventhough we had not met for 10 months, when we saw each other at the airport,it didnt feel like strangers feeling, we still hold strong familiarity and connected feelings....

since May till now, we had not seen each other,only through daily phonecalls n videocam in msn...his treatment towards me is much better than before...

thus,i execute my next plan, i resigned from my job last month and my last day will be end of last week.

i didnt tell him about my plan of cos as i know he will b totally against it..i plan to tell him i got retrenched from my job.

he said he would be coming to singapore to visit me in early sept......

do u all think i should just pack and go look for him after my last day then tell him i got retrenched when i m there or i should wait for him to come sg first and then find a chance to tell him i kenna retrenched n would like to go back with him?

i know he wun welcome me initially cos he feel i will be a added burden to him when he is at the busiest stage to re-establish his financials ....somehow he will feel he has to take care n make time for me etc..

come to this stage i had to execute my plan and i just hope for the best way to minimise his unhappinness at my insistence way to go stay with him......

i know after so many years.....7 years....
i needed this closure to find out how things can really work for us really living in the same place together......

i know his character , he can easily drag our kindda relationship with a indefinate time frame....

i realli wanna know if he is a lover of "loner" such that he cant live with anyone or that he really does love me and accepted my intrusion into his life as his partner...

although i feel he does love me, but i wanna know the outcome.... and this is something i must do


New Member

for someone in her mid 30s, you sure are immature taking such a dumb risk.

you may think that no pain no gain. but it is obvious to an objective bystander that you are mistaken about the cause and effect - that your sacrifice will lead to a happy ending.

romance takes two to clap. besides the sweet holidaying, how has anything in what you described signify strong mutual commitment?

you had a good life here, having a good job that draws good money. to chase romance you throw it all away to revolve your entire existence around him.

do you have any self-esteem? why do you not cherish everything that you have built up in your life before you took this foolish step?

maybe gain that you will eventually reap from your pain is the lesson that true love does not work this way and what you do is not worth it. life is simple - when a couple is in love, they will pave their way to be together. it is your mind that warps things and complicates - thus you lie about retrenchment.

pls prove me wrong because im saying this not out of bitterness, but out of an intention to awaken you. all the best to you, but remember to brace yourself for a major heartbreak.


New Member

this decision is after many serious consideration of many factors taken and is not done on impulse or behave like a young naive gal in pursue of love and romance..

I do have a comfy job, good nice boss etc but i have never liked my job.. coming and dragging myself to work everyday like a zombie.. pay increment only 1% with no promotion. Bascially this co. a very slow retirement pace very suited for people that wanted to retire here or for people with huge family committmentsc cos u dun need to work late. The change to a new lady boss 3 months ago acceralate my decision to change my lifepath and to take a bold step to change to pursue my interest and to try develop a career out of it.

I have no family nor financial committments now . The only risk or "loss" i take from this step is a loss of a stable comfy job with no career advancement and development and i have confident to find a new job next time should i wish to.

my Bf is not the only factor that dictate my decision to leave this job. I also wanna attempt to try living in a different country and to try a whole new different set of lifestyle . I hope this will be the last job in my life as i wana try start my own career.

You may all find that my bf is a weird person, honestly he is weird and not a so normal average guy . He is an extremely logical person and places financial security above all. With financial, then he feel he has the rights to have woman, family, enjoyment etc....
without money, nothing else matter.

He will NEVER take a single cent of financial support from me and thats Him..
He only want to stand up on his own.

I am alright and understand that he will never put me at the top of his priority list now ..
After 7 years, i wanna attempt to have a closure with him to see if we work things out staying in a same place achieving and helping to achieve our goals together...
in e event that things cant work out, i will let go and move on to doing my own stuffs
hoping to achieve my goal myself.

I dun wana wondering in my brain " what if " ......

Is time i got to do it to see for myself how far i can go
life has got not too many 10 years...

I dun want to stay in this "brainless" comfy job and drag myself to work squeezing the MRT, buses still at the age of 50...


New Member

perhaps i was too judgmental in my first post and overlooked your desire to start a new career in a brand new environment in another country.

but you have to be honest with yourself that your career goals and your love goals are now being entangled in a confused mess.

case in point - if your bf thoroughly rejects you when you reach his country, would you still stay on and persevere in that country to pursue a new career, or is your new career there secondary to your relationship to him?

what i am trying to get at is that your new way of life in a new environment should not hinge on him.

it should hinge on you and yourself alone.

especially when you are consciously aware that you are not at the top of his list. all the more you should embrace the need to live for yourself.

when you hang to a man who does not put you high on his list, be prepared that he could act in ways that undermine your self-esteem. there would be pain and tears.

good luck to you.


New Member
sometimes it's not as easy as moving to another country and finding someone willing to hire you there ..

for me, even though i'm married with two kids, i cannot just move back to my husband's home country like that. there are paperwork to be filed, i have to go for an interview with the embassy and while waiting for it to be approved, i cannot go there even for vacation. i can only get work if i speak the language and get a social security number - meaning i have to spend some time to pass the SFI course and i can only get that social security number if i have a valid permit and my husband sponsors me. if for some reason the marriage breaks down, they will refuse my residency and i will have to come back.

there are ways to do it illegally but i don't want to take that route .. do you?


New Member
Hi May

i had think through 1000s.... of possibilities of what will happen..

When i had this thought, i stop myself to think of TOO MUCH cos otherwise, things wun happen...

THe other country is in Asian ,language and culture is very similar to us and the industry is more vibrant than in sg in term of learning and $ opportunity.

For now, i had to find a hole to take the first step and see how things can work out from there....

Who know otherwise.... we broke up and i will just pack and start my own stuff here in sg.

I have learn to kan kai alot already.... but is something i had to put a closure to otherwise i will always wonder " what if " .....

how many 10 years i had in my lifetime and i dun want to leave this a "questionmark" or even a regret i tell myself " how things could have turned out differently.. years down the road..
Afterall, it is really very difficult that you can find someone u love and had such a deep connection to in this world for so many years and i didnt wanna give up easily due to distance...

Honestly, i admire myself sometime cos of LDR, many couples usually cant survive but we can even after all the in between turmoils and setback
When we finally together, this could mean another new set of challenge which i need to find out if it is ok and workable? or we are just living in a situation when our relationship can only be in LDR then can maintain..

i really wanna know...

of cos i m not the super WEI DA sacrificing type that everything will be him as priority... i definately would wanna live to achieve my own set of goals and dreams...

This year, i just sudden had a "wake up" call... i dunno why
b4 that i just drift my life by coming work brainless job, take mrt, eat ,go home, sleep maybe is like a "hibernation" period that i wanna rest and realli dunno what i want to do with the rest of my life..

Now i realise maybe through my bf passion n talent in his work and i feel i should also dare to dream and make it happen

I dunno what will happen next time.. But i only know 100% for sure if i in this job, i will forever be the same in my self development and can c myself squeezing MRT at age 50s.... that is more scary

Now, i only thinking which option would be the best way to break the news to him that i wanna join him..
during his visit in early sept ?


New Member
Hi Bunny,

Its't not easy to get a job in certain Asia countries unless yr bf have gd network here.

Even if the relationship end up negatively, u can still come bak to sg to get a new job. It's not that difficult to get a job at the age of 30 here.

whether postive/negative anot, there shld be no regrets


i hate sweeping statements like "it's not easy to get a job in certain asia countries..." and "it's not that difficult to get a job at the age of 30 here." they have no basis and they mean nothing. pure waste of keystrokes.


it is not about sweeping statements but the sort of sweeping statements. reading comprehension, learn it and love it.


Active Member
So your sweeping statements are the sort to be adored and loved. While others are to be hated?

And I don't think your post about sweeping statements has any value other than wasting keystrokes..


i realized you just like to skirt around the issues and attack the periphery. fine it's your life and your time. indulge.


Active Member

"i realized you just like to skirt around the issues and attack the periphery."

Wasn't this exactly what you were doing when you made that comment about sweeping statements. It is a long post about LDR relationships and you just had to pick on the "jobs" and attack it as "sweeping statements"