Emotional Abuse - Verbal Abuse

lonelygal

New Member
Hi, pple, I'm very miserable. I've been married for slightly more than 1 year and since Day 1 after our marriage, he has been belittling and humiliating me. Can anybody advice me how to seek help for myself? Despite telling him that he has been hurting me emotionally (and also affecting my work as he condemns my job too), he still thinks he has no fault and I'm his BIGGEST problem. He has become a control freak/MCP and insisted me to change my behaviour. Is there anyone that I can talk to please?

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
 


cuclainne

New Member
i left my ex because he became such a person .. it took me 4 years before i had the courage to make a clean break and seriously, it was the best decision i've ever made because otherwise i would not have met my darling husband.
 

blaz3

New Member
i know how you feel.

my husband did that to me too. 2weeks after we ROM, he beat me up and den told my parents i started it first. he will say i wasn't good, not pretty. he doesn't work and i had to support him and the house + his car loan. he chose his dogs over our baby and ended up having an abortion. he's always going fishing and neglected all his duties, including letting his dogs go hungry. beat his dogs up as well. i was working and teaching tuition til 10pm most days to make ends meet. one day i came home and caught him with an 18yr old girl in our bedroom. he claimed innocent, as if i would believe but i tried again to salvage whatever was left.

he actually shouted in my face that "hao lai hao san" i was the one who keep wanting to stick together. in the 6mth after the girl incident, he made me feel as though it was my fault since the beginning and that i was hard up for him. i left him after one argument. i was losing my dignity, esteem and sanity.

i woke up after my dad told me that he could very well lose a daughter because of that man. that was when i decided it was enough.

i've never looked back since i left. i have nightmares over and over again although it's been a year. my life is so much more peaceful.

u don't need that sort of crap. i'm not asking you to leave him but u have to decide for yourself when is enough before you lose yourself. i nearly committed suicide and started mutilating myself in the course of marriage because of the stress i was under. now i feel really dumb when i could have just walked out.

there's no such thing as "IF only i tried..." because you're trying all you can already and the other person will never see it because of their own self-righteousness. in my naiveness to try my 1000% to make the marriage work, i forgot my own happiness. it's not worth it. you're a living person too and you must love yourself before he starts to love you.

1 Cor 6:15
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to leave in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save you husband?

If he's already emotionally detached, it already as good as leaving. if God can't save him or the marriage, how can you? it is God's will.

Ephesians 4:25
Husbands, love you wives, just as Christ loved his church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing of water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

It took me a long time to reconcile with myself and when I picked up the bible after much encouragement from my friends did i find peace.

wish you luck my girl. if talking to him does help, do it. if need be, see a counsellor. i did all in my power to salvage mine before i left knowing it was all i could give and do. but i left a broken woman and i haven't completely healed. i hope you won't be the same.
 
Cucl and June,
I admire your courage to leave these people who do not appreciate your virtues, and belittle you instead. You did the right thing!

Broken_hearted,
Was he like that before marriage? Did he commit into the marriage on his own or forced by some circumstance eg. pressure from parents?
 

lonelygal

New Member
hi there, thanx for all the advice. I have talked to him, quarrelled with him, tried to tell him how I feel, what I think BUT he simply doesn't hear. The most typical kind of answers I get from him is : "You are already married! Jia Ji Sui Ji , Jia Gou Sui Gou" " You are my wife! If u are not my wife, I can't be bothered with you!" kind of answers. He was definitely NOT like that before the marriage. Until now, he didn't beat me but his emotional abuse is enough to make me depressed. Sometimes, I really feel that I'm being treated like a dog or worse...
 
Broken Hearted,
Your hubby sounds a MCP like my dad. My dad ever used marriage cert to talk back to my mum.

Think you have to move back to your parent's house to enjoy some peace and show to your hubby that you are really serious this time about his verbal abuse.

You will land in depression leh if you continue to let him step on you.
 

giantemu

New Member
My advise...walk out for a few days or a week...let him know u mean serious business. And for this period. don't let him know where you are...let him have a taste what life will be without you.
 

lonelygal

New Member
I no need to walk out of his place. (We are living with his parents.) He's the one who decides whether he wants to fetch me back to his place or not depending on his mood. If he's not happy with me or angry with me, he will break promises nowadays. Such as: not going to the gathering previously agreed on. He will say he will NOT go and ask me to go myself. Hence, if he's not happy, he will ask me to stay at my own house. I feel he's threatening (not sure whether is this the right adjective) me nowadays to demand that I should do this,I should do that. Everyday, he finds things to condemn me or simply, he cannot stand my sight. I breakdown easily nowadays. Crying in the midst of doing my work, etc....
 

lonelygal

New Member
I tried to talk to my mom but he says I'm the one who chose him. I've talked to some of my closest relatives but they think I didn't try hard enough not to make him not nagging and grumbling abt me. I don't feel any love from anyone, especially him...He thinks I'm the only cause of it. He thinks nobody can stand my behaviour....I've been crying and crying for a few days already.
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi broken_hearted,

Do you want to go for a counselling session to talk it out? Seems like you have no place to pour out your grievances. Not healthy leh....

You can approach any of the Family Sevice Centre anywhere in Singapore. I have friends who worked in such centres if you need my help.

Counselling does not provide you an answer but would definitely make you realise the problem and what you can do about it. Hope you can seriously consider it.....
 

lonelygal

New Member
Hi Tiredmom, I think it's not the "realising the problem" matter. I do not mind going for the counselling session but again I think it's going to be the same thing that I have to change, and blar blar blar as what my other relatives have told me. My husband said nobody can tolerate my behaviour, nobody can stand my character, the sight of me irritates him,I'm not a good wife, I'm not a good daughter-in-law, I didn't fulfil the duties, he wants me to change blar blar blar etc..It's his VERBAL ABUSE that I cannot take it. Despite telling him I'm now suffering depression, he still continues to condemn me (over the phone). He says no use keep on crying. HIS VERBAL ABUSE IS EVERYDAY! I love him that's why I always try to tolerate him in the past. He has made me lose all my self-esteem. I told him I don't feel any love from him!! Why have the man that I love, that we were happy tog have turn into a monster???? I am really hurt and heart-broken.

Right now, the most urgent matter is I want to control my crying outside,especially at work place. I have also mentioned divorce to him. My parents have yet to know my condition. I came home straight after work and cry. I hope my depression will go away soon.
 

kattie

New Member
Hi Broken Hearted,

Do you have any friends that you can consult in? Or at least talk to them? You might feel better after talking to them. They might give you assurance that you are not that irritating as yr hubby claims you are. It is not good for you as u will slowly feel that you are that bad also.
 

baggyeyes

New Member
Hi Broken_Hearted,

Counselling is not to tell you to change. It can help you realise things that you might not have realised. You might not be what your hubby says you are. The purpose of counselling is to understand more about yourself. It can help you move out of depression.

Everyone needs a place to vent out their frustration but you seemed to me that you did not have any channel to do so. It's unhealthy for you leh....

Just hope you can build up your self-esteem through counselling since everyone kept putting you down....I find it kind of puzzled....
 

jesaiah

New Member
Dear Broken Hearted,

It is sad that you have to go through all these hurts in your marriage, but there's still a possibility to save your marriage if you want.

Even though it's a one-sided wish, you can do something to make your husband come back to you, and love you even more than before.

I'm currently helping spouses to do a "40 Days Love Dare" Challenge to help them save their marriage with the help of a support group. PM me if you are interested.

To all those who are hurt by your spouses and going through divorce or separation, I hope you will also think of taking up the "40 days Love Dare" challenge to win back your spouse. Many marriages are saved through this love dare and make couples realise what LOVE is all about.

Do you know what LOVE is? Have you heard of Agape?

For those who are already divorced, I hope you will forgive your spouse for whatever he/she did. By doing so, hatred will leave you and you will really experience peace and happiness.

If you can't forgive your spouse, then you can't find peace/happiness.


Support Group To Save Marriage - PM me for more info
 

sheezh

New Member
I'm not sure if I'm rude to say this, Thomas, I know that you would like to help here. But sometimes, a love lost is a love lost. You can't make a person love you more if it's a "one sided wish". Its only going to hurt more and makes things more difficult.

And what happens if the love dare is taken and make both of them thinks that it's a complete mistake to have marry at the first place, hence not even having a amicable parting and make things more awkward??
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Thomas, please don't be so hung up on love. I believe that when love is lost, we can still be gracious to let go of the partner and move on ourselves. Not in everything we can or must resurrect the dead.
 

jesaiah

New Member
Dear sheezh,

Thanks for sharing. What you say is very true and I believe many divorced couples think the same way.

maybe they have enough hurt and do not want to be hurt anymore and decide to end the marriage.

But do they still remember the marriage vow, ".... for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, .... so long as you both shall live"

The only condition is that "so long as you both shall live" but it never says the other party must do the same....

The Love Dare challenge will help a spouse to realize what LOVE is really and will change life, it has already changed and strengthen thousands of marriages worldwide.


Support Group To Save Marriage With 40 Days Love Dare Challenge - PM me for more info
 

jesaiah

New Member
Dear doLL,

Thanks for sharing your values with me. I can't say you are wrong because that's what you believe and I respect that.

But what if true LOVE can change a person's heart and bring them back to a better person than before? If we heard more of such experiences/testimonies, will we fight to save our marriages despite all costs?

Successful marriages comes with lots of LOVE and it's not automatic.

But do we even know what is true LOVE? Can anyone describe what is true LOVE?

Do we treat our spouses based on feelings or LOVE? It's sad that many couples mixed up feelings with LOVE.



Support Group To Save Marriage With 40 Days Love Dare Challenge - PM me for more info
 

thommy

New Member
Broken hearted,

U need a counsellor and FAST. Depression is a scary thing and it may lead u to doing something foolish w/o even u realising it.
 

agag

New Member
Broken Hearted,

Was he like this before the marriage? Is he working and all well with his work? I do know that some might be stress or retrench due to the current recession, etc.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Broken Hearted,

what you are experiencing isn't unheard of and in fact pretty common especially in asian society.

He needs to know you mean business. You live only once, don't waste anymore time trying to endure such crap. A relationship must be 2 way and not one sided trying to absorb all kinds of shit.

"Jia Ji Sui Ji , Jia Gou Sui Gou" " You are my wife! If u are not my wife, I can't be bothered with you!" Stupid bullshit that is all too common. Divorce is more common than he may realize. Either you guys start working things together, else, divorce is evitable. How long can you suffer under such crap?
 

lonelygal

New Member
Anticipate,
He wasn't like this before marriage. He is right now smooth sailing for his career and it's the complete opposite for me now. I may not be able to hold on to my job for long as I'm very demoralised and also I'm not being recognized. Anyway, that's besides the point but when he comes to know abt this, I could feel that he's very happy as all along he wants me to change job.

I'm not sure whether will I continue to depress but it gets worse when he is verbal abusing me or when he throws his tantrum/temper on me. 'Of coz when he doesn't do that to me, I don't get depress.

Right now, I just feel very very alone. Do u know, he doesn't come and look for me when I leave him? Just recently, we went for dinner in a shopping mall. We quarrelled again and I left his car and sat somewhere outside. He, too, sit in his car and he doesn't sms/call me to find out where I am, etc. He waited for 1 hour and zoom he left and went back to his house. That was 12 midnight. I was stranded there after waiting for him just to call/sms/care abt my whereabouts but he didn't. He said the worse things of me on that night. I don't feel wanted at all. Anyway, I sort of given up hope on the pple around me, including my parents. I guess I'm just a $ making tool to all of them.
 

cuclainne

New Member
brokenhearted, no one is responsible for you - only you are. so you are the one who decides whether you get treated like crap or whether you deserve better.

please don't go expecting others to behave in the way you would like them to (or even pictured them to, in your mind) cos they are not mind-readers and this is real life, not some scripted drama serial ..

since you feel mentally abused in this relationship, why don't you make that decision for yourself to leave?
 
Broken Heart,
Your hubby knows u too well. He knows you will 'crawl' back and return to him in the end no matter what happens, so of course he dares to be nasty to you!

Please please protect yourself. If you don't take actions to protect and respect yourself first, tell me who will?
 

mariagrant10

New Member
My experience to the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce... I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me because i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to lose him but everything just didn't work out... He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded, cried and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly because I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used herbs... Within two days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should spread my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution606@gmail . com) Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.
 

meimei1601

Member
Hey Lonely girl,

Verbal abused is nothing different from physical abused, just that verbal abuse dont leave evident or scar to prove his guilt. I have the same issued before, before I was marriage, everything about me was perfect. Whatever I want to do is always being supported. But after marriage, everything seems "supposed to be that way" I supposed to listen to him, I supposed to not have any emotion thoughts of my own, I supposed to take care of his family, I supposed to put him in priority and alot more.

Sometime, he will mock at me, laugh at me infront of stranger. and when I do something he is not happy, he said I dont respect him as a husband. Example when I wanted to slim down, he said I am lying to myself and it wont happen. He will always share with his sibling about what I told him and he mock at me. And just once... I cant take it anymore and walk away, he said I dont respect him as a husband and leave him in shame.

Whatever it is. I believe he had never loved me before, becos loving a person is never to hurt the person we love, I can do the same, cos there is so much for me to laugh at about him. But I didnt.

Its not easy to let go just like that as we have put in all our love and heart into this man we chose who we want to live forever... But, do u want to live this way forever? If tolerant is what u always do in a marriage and he doesnt contribute any to put in to make the marriage work. It will never happen as it require 2 to make things happen.

If talking to him isnt solve the issue, what about gg for counseling?
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Lonely gal
You're married for 1 year and have not had any children.
So things are pretty simply and straight forward. If you 're
happy with this lifestyle, please carry on else just get a divorce.
When you have kids, the equation is way more complicated.
Before you sort out this issue, please do not consider having children
as children are never a solution to a problematic marriage.
 
Whoever start the abuse in anyway, they have a bad attitude and personality......stay away from them.

usually they have a very low worth of self-esteem. They fear their partner is better than them, so they have a need to make others feel bad, so they feel good about themselves,

stupid, i did meet one girls like that, i end it in 3 months.

you will not believe what she say and do.

love is not everything, but needing each other is everything. he can fill your world as you can fill his too. perfect puzzle.
 

JojoT

New Member
Lonely gal...if you still love him...go counseling. If he doesn't change, then you should consider if you want to be emotionally abuse the rest of your life. Decision is up to you. On the other hand, trend is that his bad mouthing may escalate to physical. Are you ready for it? Unless he's a Christian, going to church and cell group will change him. But if he's not, you have to realistic and make a decision.

You deserve a good man. You deserve a good life. You deserve someone who really appreciate every effort you make. You deserve a LIFE. Go get one gal... you are not alone...there are many of these type of case like yours out there..don't play pity party yourself..but get a life because you deserve it. Dare to step out and you shall be bless..... God bless !
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi all... just wonder how is lonelygal doing now, since this thread stops in Dec2014.
Actually, it stopped since 2009, until the advertisement for VODOO doctor Sanjay. Then out of the blue several folks replied probably didn't even realising it a 5 year old thread.
 

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