Emoitional struggle

[baby_lonblue]

hi all,

just need a place to let out my emotional dilemma and struggle in which i had been suffering for the last many months.

hoping to also hear from a wider perspective on views


i was with my bf for close to 6 years and we got engaged 3 years ago , afterwhich he quit his job in sg and went overseas to his home country to set up a business using the money that his parent gave him.
somehow, things did not turn out well and he lost all e money . a few hundred thousands i think

last year end, i ask him what is going to happen to us, i cant sit and just wait and c what happen right ?
he say he is obligated to earn back the money for his parent and cant marry and be with me now cos financially , he has nothing now, almost 0 savings with meeting end meets situation.

I offer to support him for now if he wanna come back to sg, and we can tide through this together
but he refuse my support insisting that he will not live on woman and take woman money

If i can wait a few more years, he is confident that he can earn back the money . But if i cant wait and choose to leave him , then he will let me be cos if he were to choose his family and me , he will choose the latter as he has a obligation to fulfill towards earning back the money for them

he say he is in no mood and situation for relationship now, all he can think of is to earn back his financial stability then he can think of other things

i know i love him v much, but cant decide if i should just wait , cos is just so insecured and physically we are not together now, he become like a "virtual bf" to me now
i m not insisting on marriage, but just hope he can come back to sg but he refused saying that there is no opportunity and nothing he can do here . he didnt want me to go overseas and be with him either as i should just stay in my comfy well paid job now as it will be quite impossible to find a new job there. If i go, will be additional stress for him as he has to look after me and both of us will end up dun have a stable income .

i recall e time before he lose the money, he really splurge on me , letting me live and eat the best and give me lavish gifts. thus i think he is really v egoistic , he wanted a woman to enjoy with him only , when he no money, he will not want to be with you

there is a struggle between us now, as none of us can compromise on any future plans.
he say when he has his money back, he will be with me forever, ask me to believe him

he want me to lead my own life now and wait silently for 1-3 years , is that reasonable ?
for my case, i dun wan a "virtual imaginary bf" , i dun mind he has no money now as i m self sufficient

how ?

thus we stopped talking for a few months already
he cant offer me any promise now,
i scare my wait could be fruitless as i cant guarantee that he will make back his money someday , what if he did not ?? and i will be kicked away from his life as well by then

really dunno what to do
he put me in a very difficult position , neither here nor there
i keep thinking if i wanna be understanding, but on another side, i think he is plain selfish as he never consider how i will feel at all,
how can u expect me to wait with him doing nothing on his part at all ?? this is real life, not in idol drama when realistic expectation do fall in.

 

[agag]

Piggy,

What he said makes sense but I do understand your situation...

How old are you now?

 

[baby_lonblue]

hi anticipate,

i am going to be 34 this year
i m not so concern on having marriage with him or not but more of a stable and secured relationship cos afterall i m not young anymore and honestly, i do have fear on being left alone all my life.

Unlike him, emotionally he is a v strong person and i knew that he could just be happily being alone unlike me.

I do have new suitors along e way, but somehow i love him too much to completely just let go of him and just move on happily with someone else when he is at his life lowest point now.

Also, i have tried to psycho myself everyday for the last few months that now, i should start search and be someone that love me and if his "tiao jian " is ok and reliable, then just get married ....as long as i enjoy his companionship, it does not matter if i dun love the new guy as much, but i cant somehow..

i always quarrel and tell my bf that he never loved me to wanna put me in this kindda position when only i had to listen to his arrangement,

he always only say " you just dun understand my situation, i know i love you and i dun need you to understand it " thats him,....nothing i can do at all

 

[miloice]

ask yourself what is your goals and plans? if u cannot wait, then dun. move on to find someone more inline with your goals and expectation. else, take it easy and keep your options open. if your feelings are still strong for him after 3 years, then say.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Has this been a long-distance relationship for the past three years?

 

[agag]

ya, since he already said that and like what MiLo said, just move on now. If you're meant to be together and the feeling is strong 3 yrs late when he's back, then both your feeling have undergone a strong test.

However, don't close your other options and also make more friends. You might not know that there are many more suitable and compatible ones along the way whom you might love more.

You can't force him to go your way but you can create your own options and choose your path. Easier for us to say but you have to be firm on whatever outcome that you feel is right for you.

 

[baby_lonblue]

yes, this has been a LDR for the last 3 years and we have not been seeing each other v much. in fact, only about 2-3 weeks last year.....
thats one of the reason that make me feel that this relationship is so unbearable sometimes.

along these 3 years, i do meet new friends and had new suitors. although in terms of "tiao jian " etc, is so much better than my bf, somehow, they just cant replaced his position in my heart,

I hate myself for feeling the way i am and unable to stick my head out of this whole messy relationship

no matter what i say, he just cant compromise with me and insisted his way of dealing with things , instead he will say things like feeling pressure to even talk to me cos we will end up quarreling over the same issue over n over again

in fact , i ever did told him that i having new suitors and i should just get marry to one of them this year, then he will say " i cant stop u but feel u are stupid to marry someone u dun love"
thats him.....really i can do to make him change his mind

 

[agag]

seems like he's using your emotional feeling against you... on the other hand, i think you have to be selfish for yourself. You can't purposely wait for him until you're 37 and then no definite answer that he will be with you.

Perhaps go out more with those new friends and as time goes by, you might develop more feelings.

 

[powder]

hi piggy0909,

some of the more driven guys can love but not need any physical involvement to love... it may defy all social norms of pple in love pairing up and being together, but indeed, there are guys like that. even tho i'm now settled n married, i am one such guy who thinks along similar lines as him.

thing is, alot of pple Need to be with someone they love... perhaps most of us are brought up under the influence of 'ownership' and 'results'... these 2 are what defines most pple... what they own, and what result they achieve. and this inadvertently influences our romantic paths...

i would like to invite u to see the bigger picture with me... are u ready to slip deeper into thought? try to visualize as u read...

Life. we are born into this world crying our lungs out... we learn to depend on our caretakers for everything as we pick up on little things... the more we learn, the less dependent we are of them... we then learn to Dream... of fairy tales, of dragons and saving fair maidens... of robbing the rich to help the poor... we move to uni and meet girls who gives us butterflies in our stomach, u meet tat guy whom u always peek yet u lose your voice when he speaks to u... u Dream of possibilities... he is your takeshi, u are his chiling... everything is all abt possibilities...

AND THEN WE WAKE UP. in the morning we catch a bus at 8am, reach work at 8.45am and we start on the job, rush thru the reports... catch a bus home. sometimes we meet tat special someone for dinner, and then it all feels like we're back to the carefree world again... end of the month we check our uob account - our salary of 2,000 after cpf deductions is in. we party, drink, mingle... life's great and fun.

one fine day we walk to work, a bmw z4 whizzes by and we dream again... we wanna have that ride... would be so nice to drive my gfren in that car and blast the music - hair in the wind on the ecp towards east coast... aaahhh... nice dream. back at desk, rush the reports, wait for month end, salary of 2k credited into uob account again. party!

coming saturday u are invited to older colleague's housewarming barbecue... wow the dude's place is at sentosa! u go in, greeted by lotsa state-of-the-art security and amazing scenery... feels more like monaco than singapore! u tell yourself "i could really live in a place like this!". u go back home still dreaming... on the tv, a bank ad comes on showing this young couple having a dream wedding, moving on to a dream home, and having dream kids and a dream life.... how can u not dream? month end - salary credited - 2,000.

and Reality sets in...

Two trains of thoughts... A. "these things aren't gonna happen to me, i better stop dreaming" OR B. "i want to have these things, i want to keep my dreams alive"

which one are u? chances are, u are a mix of both or none. for Guys - they are likely to be closer to A or B. when i say that, i mean in the way they live their lives... not just by words or cheap talk.

your guy is likely to be a dreamer who continues in the quest to realize his dreams... although u May be part of that dream, u are only "part". it is unlikely that he will give up the rest for u... although for ladies to give up everything for just that something called 'love', it's almost second-nature.

one reason why he is unlikely to wanna come back is also becos our spore environment does not encourage dreamers... in fact it is just the opposite. over here, dreamers get laughed at. pple can't wait to laugh at dreamers... pple love to pull pple over to their side, the side where u just talk abt dreams and not try to make them happen.

Love is not Free in spore... Love is a commodity u trade. it is a commodity u own. it is a commodity u constantly try to prove and make sense of. most times, pple expect u to support/prove your Love with commitment, marriage, setting a family and undying attention. your love means Nothing wihtout physical presence... yet, during the romance stage, Love was more a feeling... it was Spiritual and it travels from bedok to jurong at nite as u lay in bed... once u wed, u need to lay in the same jurong bed to feel love.

and u constantly try to prove that love is still present by Making Sure it is. check emails, handphones, whereabouts... it is less of a feeling, less spiritual and now Has to be substantiated by time, material gifts and remembering special occasions...

If u truly feel loved, u will never feel lonely if u're the only girl without a bouquet of flowers on valentine's day. u dun need a wedding nor be the most beautiful bride. u only need to feel love in its Spiritual Entirety, and u're the happiest person in the world...

just remember the teen years when we first professed our love, held hands and went into an embrace... just to smell the person's hair so close and stay in a hug... This is the most wondrous, non-committal, untainted, Free Love...

we grew up. we are tainted by norms, needs, expectations, comparisons and WORDS of others...

spend some time to ponder... i hope u see what i am showing u...

 

[hike]

piggy, live your life for yourself. choose a decision which u will live 4ever.

imho

 

[baby_lonblue]

hi powder,

thank you so much for sharing a different insight of the situation .

indeed, he is one such guy that feel that love do not need all only physical involvement to prove it. He always tell me, "i know i love you and u always in my heart, i never felt lonely cos of that but you never understand my difficult situation now, if i have money back, i will be with you forever"

I have try to lived with that kindda "spiritual love" for the last 3 years and it has become kindda unbearable as time go by. No woman would like to have a " virtual bf" and knowing that u could be dumped anytime if his "money making plan " fall through...

i love him v much, eventhough we dun spend alot of physical time together,
the feeling of love towards him never subside nor feel "cool down " eventhough we had constant quarrels about the issue
still wanted him v much eventhough i can have other choices here.

it just make me so frustrating and dilemma living like that ....i just so afraid of wasting my time n youth on someone that i not even sure if he really love me...

guess i need a longer time to really decide how what i should do..

 

[powder]

actually u dun need to make a decision at all... u dun have to cut ties nor restrict yourself in dating... dun be so stuck on needing to end something to begin something... this kind of mentality is the type that Always gets pple stuck. and at the end of it, u realise it's just u and your stubborn thinking and the need to follow rules rules rules.

u dun have to live by his rules... u dun have to reserve yourself for him by Your rules... u dun have to restrict yourself by 'couple-rules'... Just go out like any other lady and enjoy your life as a bachelorette. if u meet a guy u meet a guy, if u dun u dun. no need to stick to rules or preset requisites...

Life WILL NOT wait for u... it goes on. life may throw u a few eligible guys along the way but u can totally miss them out trying to be absolutely dedicated to your guy who is in turn absolutely dedicated to getting his career and family wealth back on the rite path...

u know, i see alot of pple stuck in their lives... they get stuck at just 1 point and remain stuck for like months, years... and i feel very sad. cos it's just ONE Aspect - ONE. the straying husbands, the abusive bfren, the broke/gambling bfren, the non-committing bfren... we seem to have lost ourselves INTO a relationship and forget that we are INDIVIDUALS. just like that, we place our fate into other pple's hands... along with it goes the fate of our aged parents, our younger siblings, our network of frens who may need us to be there from time to time.

we become paralysed mentally, yet physically we are so able. then i see those with alot of mental spirit, yet were not blessed with limbs nor the physical health to live a fulfilling life... i see these pple climb mountains, complete races, competing in competitions and raising money for the less fortunate...

and i look back at the lady who is stuck at this ONE emotional fall.

Time really waits for no-one... with time goes your youth, your prime, your healthy limbs, your kiss, your warmth, your ability to venture and experience... and with these - goes Life.

he's gotta do what he's gotta do becos whatever he does - is what makes him who he is. if he doesn't do them, he is not him. Whilst u're kind of in a confused state becos u are u, u might like to try to define yourself in Broader terms... dun be lost in this ONE aspect, try to let the other aspects pull u thru.

u dun have to consciously Choose, to make a choice. knowing u love a person is as good as loving them. the world doesn't need to know, nor does it need us to validate.

 

[baby_lonblue]

hi piggy,

i understand what you going through as i been through something similar also some years back ago ..

i feel powder make a very good point, you should start make plans to make your life happy instead of forcing yourself to make a choice.

Good things always come to those that are patient and waited ya!

Follow the natural flow of life, "shun qi zi ran " and everything will be fine.

 

[bunny98]

hi piggy

you got to feel comforted that at least your guy do not ask you nor accept any of your financial aid or support, unlike many other woman in other threads , where not only relationship is drained, financially is also drained.....

it is true that lonliness always set in and is not easy to deal with. assuming what he say is true abt his situation, he is also dealing with the same lonliness as well right ?

just live your life as it is, no need to push for any "ending "

at least you truly loved before



if both are destined and is meant to be be each other, you will eventually be in the end .....

 

[baby_lonblue]

its been a few months and we started talking as normal since April.
he will keep saying about me not being able to understand his situation as that he love me and feel very sad too that his situation now has to kept us apart.

He talk about coming to sg to visit me this june end but cant stay too long and this anger me somehow, i feel that he didnt make any effort to resconstruct this relationship,

Somehow i feel really very lonely and tired yet seem unable to get out of this relationship.....

 

[miumiu_lynn]

i think u know the answer deep down that this r/p is not going anywhere if the guy is not able to make sufficient commitment or sacrifice.

u shld lead your own life and be friends with u until there's more certainty to the r/p
as such dont limit yourself
your youth is limited and u shld continue to see other pple

 

[i1babes]

peggy... after reading ur thread ... let me tell

u sth which i dare not post it out ( cos

everybody will laught at me and feel shame as a

women)....im exactly in ur role .. , even the

reason he gimme ( ur bf is just like mine ) ,

after he failed his biz and finish all his

relative's money , he refuse to come back to

me , although i still got man after me but i

just cant 4get the gd time he spent wt me b4 he

broke ,like wat u say "


recall e time before he lose the money, he

really splurge on me , letting me live and eat

the best and give me lavish gifts. thus i think

he is really v egoistic , he wanted a woman to

enjoy with him only , when he no money, he will

not want to be with you " EXACTLY ... i love him

and i cant stand lonely im already 32 i don

want to start a new r/s anymore and i like his

companionship THEN ( cut short)i decided to

give up my own biz and insist to flight to him

tell u ..is a terrible life after i flight to

him but stupid women like me just feel secure

ALTHOUGH he changed ( due to financial problem)

but yet i intial to pay some debt from him ,

all i want just to be wt him, v ROM wt no

wedding ring, i know im stupid /useless but

again i just want to be wt him i pay for his

debt , encourgae him when he down , anything

stand by him , but in his mind now just money

money money ( i can understand ,he just cant be

poor ) NOW i work work work wt very little

salary , save , pay debt..MARRIED but single

lifestyle ..i cant say or rant anything cos i

choose to be wt him..peggy im now already 35 , i

still cant hv my baby , still don hv stable life

due to "LOVE" ..i give up my own life ,.. (

still got so many detail which i don wish to

post it here for respect him as my hubby ) ...piggy it's not a easy way for women

if the man v choose is so egoistic...... (u can pm me )

.....

 

[baby_lonblue]

hi babes,

sorry to know that you are almost in the same plight as me ..


has pm you

 

[baby_lonblue]

babe,

u cant accept PM, u have to enable your PM settings

 

[i1babes]

luck u told me, already set up myPM

how u now ?

 

[baby_lonblue]

hi babes,

PM u

 

[i1babes]

sorry ... where shd i check my PM .....i couldn't find ;(

 

[baby_lonblue]

the PM will be send to the email address that you register when you sign up for an account in this forum..

Alternatively, u can PM me as well by clicking on my nick