Dying Inside and Lost

arnoldchen

New Member
Im hitting 40 soon and i have been married for around 3 years to my current wife (dated a few years before marriage)

Never had sex with her. We tried once long time ago, didnt succeed and experience was bad. I gave up.

And also, i dun think i love her. And you might ask, why did i marry her?

Was deeply in love with my first love and got hurt. Frankly from then, i was scared to love a girl again. I did date a few other girls (for fun, sex and companionship) as my gfs, but never loved them. Took me some 10 years to get over my first rs

Met a really nice girl 10 years ago (not my wife) - named T, love at first sight and I fell in love. She too liked me but i chickened out cos i was too scared to love someone.

Then i met my current wife who happened to be not the person i love but appeared at the right place and the right time.

I got together with her (gotta confessed its out of convenience and she is fairly pretty). But i have been thinking bout T all these time while im dating and married to my wife.

My wife satisfy a lot of conditions:
1. decent family background (not rich but family is traditional and not materialistic)
2. educated
3. quite pretty
4. stood by me when im down and out

but we dun have sex and we dun really love each other.

i think our rs definitely is real where we care about each other, but both of us know we are not into each other that much but we are faithful to each other. She is very princessey and i take care of all the finances at home. she doesnt work and is kinda a "tai tai" - i dun come from a rich family but i make okay income here.

i feel very dead inside. we dun have kids n we dun have sex, there is no progress in marriage and i keep thinking bt divorce, she too thinks about it.

we have nothing to look forward to and im really stuck, i feel like splitting up but at the same timei cant bear to. no matter how i weigh the pro and cons, its a 50-50 decision for me.

any one else is my situation?
 


eileen85

New Member
hi there, probably the lack of intimacy has gotten you thinking about divorce. Probably can try again, dont let the bad experience hinder you. Also, what's the real reason that triggers you to have such thinking? if there is no more love, then what's the point of holding on? Silver lining is that you do not have any kids so you can really think if this marriage is worth holding on.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
"i keep thinking bt divorce, she too thinks about it"
if this is mutual, you two should sit down and
face each other and your marriage truthfully.
Being responsible to your marriage is one thing,
Taking responsibility for your life is another
 

MyENV

New Member
Put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Imagine you married your first love and you were in the same situation as your wife ( first love never loved you, ‘settled’ with you and loved others), how would you feel?I believe you would feel betrayed and devastated if you put in the same situation as your wife.
Marriage is a commitment. Why mess up someone’s life if you’re not going to be totally committed?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

Living in a loveless marriage is depressing and extremely lonely for your wife, Every woman wants love and affection from the man they love, but it’s not available for your wife. She has given almost 10 years of her youth to you. Little did she know, you have never loved her. She probably blames herself for the bedroom problems (from Micro Needs Help Saving Marriage).

Your wife isn’t cheating on you and stood by you when you were down and out. FYI, in this modern era, women ony stay faithful and stand by their men that they truely love. She had loved you before and maybe still does.

Ask yourself- If this person vanished from your life, how would you feel and what would change?
Do you feel incomplete whenever you’re apart from your wife even if you’re with fun people in fun places. Be honest with yourself, no matter how brutal the answers are.

If you’re dead sure that you are not able to love her. I would suggest you divorce your wife and let her go. Don’t waste her time to find her own happiness. Have a HTH talk with her.
 

arnoldchen

New Member
"i keep thinking bt divorce, she too thinks about it"
if this is mutual, you two should sit down and
face each other and your marriage truthfully.
Being responsible to your marriage is one thing,
Taking responsibility for your life is another
u really hit me hard with this advice. appreciate it
 

Gonecase

New Member
Marriage takes 2 to clap. She probably loss her love or build a wall because of the way u treated her. U was hurt by ur ex but u hurt ur wife even more- if u can understand the hurt how can u shatter her heart like that?

she stood by you she must have love you in order to marry you. Unless she married for reasons like u did. She is fairly pretty and all- wat more so u want? be glad she’s not cheating on u. U like T and never like yr wife from the start but how well do you know t? What did u really like about t(can she be loyal will she not cheat like yr wife?)? Maybe it’s because u didn’t end up together that’s y u can’t let go, u just want to own her and the what if that’s all-even if you were with her, the rs may or may not turn out well. Point being- it’s over. U chicken out, yet u didn’t chicken out when u decided to marry yr wife-y?Forget about T there’s reasons y its ex. U choose to hurt ppl that love u yet be affected in yr current life by ppl whom is not even in yr life now?!

Look at the good of your wife and look at yrself.
learn to love her, stop blaming her for not loving u. R u deserving of her love, she may not want to love u even if u want to now. if u really don’t love her, take responsibility and be a man end it fast. She’s a good woman if she is loyal n did not marry you by “mistake”, don’t waste her time. She deserve a good man that hope for a wife like her and will love her. Loving the wrong person is really pitiful. As for intimacy- sit down have a good talk, seek professional help if necessary.
 
Last edited:

NatYF84

New Member
i really want kids. But i dun think its a good idea to have them when the marriage is bad.
The children will never be really happy and grow up in a family full of fights and conflicts.

But if you already have them,it is your responsibility to bring them up well and make sure they are on the right track.

I know of someone who went to Thailand over a decade ago and had 2 children with a local woman over a fling but his family esp the younger sister only wants the kids and bring them back to SG.The mum was left in Thailand and never heard of again.

These kids are now well into their teenage years and nobody cares for them.They are just like balls being passed around various relatives to be cared for over the years.

Their father?Still busy with work and his own CCA of having flings with other women around him.Even got into a love triangle with his older brother over another woman.He was not really there for his kids whenever they needed him.Even leeching on the goodwill of the relatives financially and treating them as free nannies and disappears most of the time.Everyone is looking for him cos he owed them money in one way or another.

I spoke to the younger daughter recently and she said she hated her father cos he was never there for her.

This is a very good example of how children suffers when the adults around them make the wrong decision.
 
Last edited:

NatYF84

New Member
I am not saying don't have kids but when you have them with the right person and when your marriage is stable,everything will be generally smooth when husband and wife work as a team but conflict of opinions will inevitably pop out from time to time.
 

BlackHubby

New Member
Im hitting 40 soon and i have been married for around 3 years to my current wife (dated a few years before marriage)

Never had sex with her. We tried once long time ago, didnt succeed and experience was bad. I gave up.

And also, i dun think i love her. And you might ask, why did i marry her?

Was deeply in love with my first love and got hurt. Frankly from then, i was scared to love a girl again. I did date a few other girls (for fun, sex and companionship) as my gfs, but never loved them. Took me some 10 years to get over my first rs

Met a really nice girl 10 years ago (not my wife) - named T, love at first sight and I fell in love. She too liked me but i chickened out cos i was too scared to love someone.

Then i met my current wife who happened to be not the person i love but appeared at the right place and the right time.

I got together with her (gotta confessed its out of convenience and she is fairly pretty). But i have been thinking bout T all these time while im dating and married to my wife.

My wife satisfy a lot of conditions:
1. decent family background (not rich but family is traditional and not materialistic)
2. educated
3. quite pretty
4. stood by me when im down and out

but we dun have sex and we dun really love each other.

i think our rs definitely is real where we care about each other, but both of us know we are not into each other that much but we are faithful to each other. She is very princessey and i take care of all the finances at home. she doesnt work and is kinda a "tai tai" - i dun come from a rich family but i make okay income here.

i feel very dead inside. we dun have kids n we dun have sex, there is no progress in marriage and i keep thinking bt divorce, she too thinks about it.

we have nothing to look forward to and im really stuck, i feel like splitting up but at the same timei cant bear to. no matter how i weigh the pro and cons, its a 50-50 decision for me.

any one else is my situation?
You may have chosen your wife for the wrong reasons. But if you want to continue and have a happy marriage it is possible. I guess you still had some feeling for each other when you got married right?
It is possible but you will have to work your ass off and actually conquer her heart. If you don't conquer her heart, having happy sexuality won't happen.
So you have to ask yourself: how can I conquer her heart more everyday? Only you can answer this since you are supposed to know her better than everyone. What is the 3 things that make her feel loved most (sweets words, physical touching cuddling, provide her services at home...?). If you are not ready to do this, you won't experience a happy marriage. For sexuality there could be also other blocks: is it painful for her (use lube)? First few weeks of regular sex can be painful until you learn to be more gentle and until her pussy is enough accustomed to your penis (yes vaginas shape changes to better host their regular mate). It also means you have to hit it regularly so that you don't have to restart Everytime. If you wait too long your wife's vagina can get a bit too rigid and tight again and she can experiences pain.. it takes practice like sport.
But your first problem is your emotional connection you need to fix asap. If your'e not willing to conquer her heart, and keep the fire going by doing efforts daily, you're going to be both miserable. Be ready to face also some rejections since her heart must be colder towards you by now. Time to be the man of her life. Cut all attachments to your previous girlfriends / interests and renounce them for good. This is pollution of thoughts that will slowly destroy you if you don't do it.
Besides if you don't do this you can never conquer her truly. All this takes time and effort. Remember women don't see the time same as men: you can touch her heart today, but tomorrow it is reset, they need daily doses of love more than one big love every few weeks. Also keep excessive pride in check, since as men we tend to become blind and autistic because of too much pride, it prevents us understanding things better. If she's princessey try to make her feel loved with your attention, time, words, gesture, touching, more than your money. Gifts are good ways to express love also but materialism doesn't make durable happiness. It's a question of balance.
 
Last edited:

BlackHubby

New Member
You also have to show her you find her beautiful and that you desire her sexually... Awake the fire. Since it has been long been extinguished don't expect immediate results. A woman that doesn't feel desired sexually by her husband also may not feel loved and it's bad circle where she rejects you more and then you're hurt and don't want to try to have sex again... Break the circle.
 

BlackHubby

New Member
I read elsewhere it's no sex because painful for her. If she has vaginismus go see doctor. Also simple practices help a lot: all I advised above but also evaluate your preliminaries : how long do you stimulate her before penetration? Go for at least 15mns "preparation" with fingers (with lube and cut fingernails so that it's smooth) / tongue for clitoris stimulation. Also you have you learn what she likes, her sensitive spots. Her body and brain has to experience her husband is attracted by her and lusting over her beauty. Then the vagina is going to open more and get wet. Use lube if not enough if that's painful. Then go very very slowly stay at the entrance until it gets bigger and you can go deeper... The more you don't have sex, the more it's going to stay same situation and be painful for her too. It's quite normal to have "difficult" sex at start. The years of marriage don't count, the years of active practice you had with her count. Because her V needs to get accustomed to your D and you also need to learn how to make her arouse. After the "breaking in" period if you keep having regular sex it shouldn't be painful for her if you're still gentle. Unless she has real issues and block and it needs doctor / psychologist but I think it's rarer than you may think. As for other things in marriage, communication is key. Have fun, make mistakes while exploring (like everyone else), laugh it off together, and don't get upset by disappointments while practicing.
 
Last edited:

harrisnell

New Member
I will have kids very soon.
 

hrprnd

New Member
I will have kids very soon.
Amazing, same as me
Kids bring a lot of happiness and opportunities to you life so do not fear from having kids.
 

raspberry76

New Member
Kids bring you happiness even your close buddy also can't give.

With kid, you learn and re-learn old and new things. The cute little shoes, cute little school bags, everything is a mini human under construction. You get to celebrate festivals that are long dead in you eg. teacher's day, children's day etc.
 

Top