Dowry matter

[JulianS]

I'm an Italian - Thai - Chinese going to have the wedding ceremony in Bangkok with a local Singaporean Chinese. We've been talked about the dowry, and my parents ask for 2Million Baht or around $80000 with 50 Baht gold which cost around $40000. We planed to get the ceremony done in Bangkok in a 5 star hotel. Should be around $20000 for the total bill coz it's not gonna be so big. And my dad will give me the BMW series 5 as a gift.
Also, my parents would add-on, a separate house in Bangkok area worth more than $1.5 million Singapore dollars. And some of my mother's jewelry that she has. My brother would give a condominium next to the Chaopraya river for me. He moved to Italy permanently so he doesn't need it.

I talked to my future husband. He said, they only give some few thousand Singapore dollar as a dowry. He's an office man, taking care of his parents. What we asking for is too much for him and his family to afford. He said, maybe his parents would give me $2888 only, with some gold. It's really upsetting me.

For my family, even my brother, he gave his wife a very huge dowry. And his wife return as much as what my brother gave. Total around $4 million Singapore dollars for them both.

His parents visited me last Christmas, and gave $50 ung-pao only. But what my parents gave them as present cost around $1,500. Honestly, my future husband even told me that his mother keep showing it to her neighbors.

I'm not bragging and I never ever wanted to. But seem like it's a huge gab between us. I love him, of coz. But if i accept cheap dowry then it could be the most embarrassing day of my life.
What my parents have asked is so little already compare to what they are going to give back.
I love him but I don't need all the troubles.
He loves me but he's always try to change the topic when we come to this conversation.

What should i do?

 

[uglydude]

If money is very important to you and you cannot accept the fact that he don't come from a well to do family...it is better to leave now then to be embroiled in a divorce next time.....

You are better off looking for someone in ur own league....

 

[JulianS]

Thanks for your comment but it's very un-created

Money is not important or it is? You don't need money to buy a house? Or buy food for your children?
Or you got your wife for free by just ask her to go ROM for $2X something fees?
When you have kids, you don't need to pay for their school fees?
Lots of topics here already show how miserable they are after married and the financial problems come after.

I've met my future husband in Bangkok years ago, we were working in the same office. I earned around $2000 during that period.
he were the expat who earned around $3000. I've never told him of how wealthy or poor my family is.
Coz the matter of facts is my parents both retire.

And even to meet the average dowry rate in Bangkok. It should be around $20000 Singapore dollars.
So when he told me his parents probably give $2888, it doesn't even meet the common rate here. Not even half.

Also, my parents won't keep the dowry even a single cents on themselves. They willing to give even more.
So don't even think that we're money minded. Coz we're not.

 

[sadman2009]

Hi Julian,
I understand where you are coming from. I guess he is just of a different back ground from you. In Singapore, very few parents give BMW or A house to their children when they get married. Not even the rich ones. Of course there may be a few who would do it. I guess your family are of the group to do that . Is that common in Thailand? I really serious think about the compatibility between the two of you. You know marriage is not only about I love you and you love me and that's all. A lot of other things are involved. A question to ask yourself, 'Do you really want to marry this man?'

 

[JulianS]

Well, i would say depends.
If you married with a girl from the
eastern or 'isan' the percentage of
meeting the greedy parents are much higher.
They would ask for high dowry rate
and don't even think of any cents in return.
This kind of girls you can meet them in those
Thai-disco in Singapore.
If you married with a girl from southern part.
You probably don't expect a piece of rubber land
which probably cost millions which the bride's parents
willing to give.
If you married with the girl from up north
She could be a kind of mountain people who doesn't even have
the proper Thai status or she could be
those 'tok-keaw' girl who her parents already sold her
to the agent to be the prostitute in Bangkok or else where. Or she could be from a wealthy family originally from the past. I mean, originally from Royal family.

For original Bangkok girl like me
The dowry could be higher than other areas,
even to the common family.
If you ask for $5000 dowry for your daughter,
then you surely suppose to have $5000
or more to add-on on the wedding day as a gift for your own daughter.

One of my relative got married in the past few years ago.
My uncle told his son in law that the dowry rate should be
"tao-rai-kor-dai" or "anything"
His son in law brought a black BMW 7 series
together with a separate house and 200 Baht gold worth around $160000 for the gold.
My uncle side could only give a Patek Phillippe and a c class MB.
He even told my parents that he 'loose face'
Coz he couldn't give as much as the groom .

So, it depends on the girl's background and her surrounding.
But the average dowry rate should be $20000
with $10000 worth of gold.

 

[shavaine]

What if his parents do not have that kind of money? Do you expect them to take up a loan to pay for your dowry then?

 

[JulianS]

I think I already said, we're not money minded.
So treat us / me equally.
We're willing to give, in what we deserve.
If we can't meet in what my side expected, so talk.
What's wrong with saying to my parents, "I don't think I have enough,
But I love her, I want to give her the best I can. If we could wait a bit longer,
Maybe i'll have.........according to the raised salary blah blah blah"

But it seems like he doesn't want to talk.
His parents even think that we insulted them over this topic

To accept whatever he offers, i loose face
To insist whatever my side asked for, he loose face

 

[tracer.tan]

Ask yourself
Do you understand him, his stress of giving the same amount your family gave? Have you put yourself into his shoes? As a Chinese, cos of the groom family will feel insulted when the bride family give more than them.. this may sound bad, but are you ' selling' yourself or valve yourself with the money he able to give? Are you willing to suffer with him to raise families(his, your, future family) non matter what happen? Is your ' face' more important or his? Are you thinking about yourself only? Clear your thoughts please... After all you are going to marry him, take his family name and be a part of his family.

 

[shavaine]

Ask yourself
Do you understand him, his stress of giving the same amount your family gave? Have you put yourself into his shoes? As a Chinese, cos of the groom family will feel insulted when the bride family give more than them.. this may sound bad, but are you ' selling' yourself or valve yourself with the money he able to give?

I agree with tracer that this is something to think about too. Even though you are part Chinese, the practices and interpretation may be slightly different for Chinese from different countries. For myself, my parents only kept a nominal sum of the dowry, because they saw it as an addition of a family member, rather than losing their daughter. They also did not want to put a value on me and seem like they are selling me off.

It may partially due to my inability to fully understand your description of the practices that you are adopting, but it sounds like your parents are planning on 'returning' part of the dowry through gifts etc. If that is the case, does your HTB and his parents understand this? And do they know what the nett amount kept is? If there is already a communication breakdown over finances even before getting married, then you need to evaluate what this will translate to after marriage, when you both will probably be sharing expenses.

 

[sadman2009]

Julian,
I can tell that you are not a money-minded person. And you are not wrong in asking for those things as your parents are also willing to give. I guess they treasure you very much. I can only say the status between the two of you are very different. Background also different. Which means the way of doing things and Expectations in life are also different. Is he the kind of man who will make it great in the future? Does he strive to improve himself in the career? Or he is only contented with having the the basics.

 

[JulianS]

Talking about this and I feel so depress. Anyway, I called him this afternoon to call-off the wedding. He kept silence.
Later that his mom called back, said that I should be what she called yi-zue yi-zue something. I don't know how to spell the word.
What they can really give is only $2888. With some gold should cost around $1500.
Can't be more. And they said my parents should understand.
They have a 3 rooms HDB flat in Toh Payoh. But it's the place where his parents living in and will do until their last day.
He doesn't have saving ( I just know !!! ) so he couldn't add-on anything !!!
Life in Singapore is expensive, CPF, car payment this that this that....
Even the hotel is so expensive blah blah blah....
I told her I know all that, but I never ever wished to live there. I'm fine in Thailand.
She told me I should be his wife to take care of his parents and love them and not make money out of them!!!
" So you cook food, wait for ah .... to come home la. Be good wife. Have baby and everybody happy. Why worry about money?
We give what we can. We don't know your father have many many.... "
She even said maybe I could help him buy a private condominium there, and help him pay.
" You work and pay he work and pay la, a little little can already. Two help pay can, better than one"

I told her good luck. Maybe your son should find a proper Singaporean bride instead.
This conversation really doubted me, who's the gold digger one

I'm not selling myself according to #8 said.
If selling means that you put the price over something and gain nothing in return but the goods.
I told you clearly my parents willing to give even more.
So my parents are not selling me
It's not just face, it's respect.

 

[Sera22]

Actually how much dowry r u expecting? The minimum?

 

[Sera22]

What is the minimum amount u are expecting for the dowry if I may ask?

 

[JulianS]

$80000 + gold $40000
So the groom will have to come up total $120000

My side will give

Actually how much dowry r u expecting? The minimum?

- the wedding ceremony @ $20000 in Bangkok
- hotel and tickets for the groom's parents
- Series 5 BMW 2013 @ $223960 or 5,5xx,xxx Baht in Bangkok
- A house in Bangkok @ 1.5 million Singapore dollars
- A condo next to the river @ $ 320,000 in Bangkok
- Some of my mother's jew set
- My grandmother will give a great piece of land in Chiang Mai for 5 rai or 8000 SQ.M

And more from my relatives coz i'm the last one who's going to get married
All the ung-pao will belong to me and my future husband

 

[sadman2009]

Julian,
In my opinion, you have no problem and your bf has no problem also. Neither of you has fault. It's just compatibility. Both of you are just not compatible. TOTALLY. Your family are of a different class from his.
You will be happier finding someone that is of your same class. And he will also be happier getting a wife that are of a simpler background and are satisfied with the basics. Nothing wrong with both expectations.
So, stopping now is the best choice ( that's only my opinion.) rather than in the future, when you have got married, I foresee there are going to be more problems.

 

[shavaine]

I agree with sadman that your backgrounds are not compatible. And it seems that the financial ability, as dictated here by the background, is important to you, since you want to get a certain amount of dowry, so as not to lose face. The question that you have to answer for yourself, is that if his parents are not able to come up with $120,000 for your dowry, what will you do? Do you expect them to get into some sort of debt, so that they can give you this sum of money to meet your requirements? Or will you accept what they are offering because you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? If you settle on a lesser amount, can you be sure that this does not continue to haunt your marriage?

If getting at least $120,000 for your dowry is so important to you, then, like sadman said, its best to call it quits now, because your expectations of a marriage are not the same as his. To me, how much your parents and your family contribute is not the issue here. Rather, the issue is whether you can be satisfied with the financial abilities of your HTB and his family.

 

[JulianS]

When he told me people get married in Singapore for $x,xxx only
I totally shocked
When I told him people in Thailand get married for $xx,xxx
He totally shocked

I know it's such a shame
But I already told his mother good luck and good bye this afternoon
I don't want to waste his time

Thank you sadman2009 for all the comments
And thank you everyone as well

One of my friend got married in Singapore few years ago and received $1888 from her in laws
on her wedding day
While whatever her parents brought along cost more than $30000
I know her parents, very high rank military
But worse than that, the mother in law on Singapore side kept everything even the ung-pao
She told my friend she would return whenever they have kid, and to keep it with her is securer.
When they moved to the new condo, his parents wanted to move along
She refused, coz all the payment come from her parents - not from her husband.
They brought a private condo, coz she doesn't want to wait
And her in laws refused to stay in their own place
But her husband agree with his parents, said that it's his duty to take care of his parents
so as her, as she already use his last name and married him
Well, later on she asked for divorce
The court told her to wait for 3 years
...

Anyone who read this probably think that why, why Thai are so serious over dowry issue?
If you marrying a girl from OK family, no matter how much she asks, surely they will return
Coz they also don't want the others to think and talk like the parent selling their daughter for living
They don't need that. That's why they ask but they return, or add-on
But, the gap between rich and poor people in Thailand is very far apart
So you cannot compare with all those bar-girls or disco girls, even Thai men scared to marry them
Why? That's must be a reason...

I'm very sad over this, I loved him for more than 4 years
But if it needs to end, then I have to let it be
Even if he can find whatever my parents asking for, but i'm sure in his heart must be full of questions
Even if he sees all the gifts my family would give, he probably feel like we insulting him
Even I accept whatever they can and have, I don't think I can tell my relatives about what I get. I'm a girl, always dream of my very perfect day
I wanted it to be perfect. and my parents want the best for me. And .... I don't think his parents will look at me respectively.

I thought about it for a week. That's why I posted the topic.
And I think I rather not face all the coming problems if I decide to take another step forward onto my wedding day.

OK, let's not talk about the high rate dowry of $120000 that I asked for
Talk about those ordinary Bangkok office people from a very simple family
Normally they would give around $20000 and $10000 worth of gold
Lesser than that, like farmers class or factory class elsewhere should be around
$5000 - $10000 and $10000 worth of gold
If you don't want to pay for the dowry, we have a joke out of it
" Get the girl pregnant .... and the in law parents wouldn't say a thing
But maybe the bullet does "

Or, married to those mountain people, all you have to pay probably
just 2 legs of pig for Sia - Pi ( pardon to the ghost of the girl's family who passed away
in a respect way coz you and your wife to be already a 'family' )

I told him the normal rate, he still said it's too much for Singaporean
So I totally lost of words....

 

[life_is]

Even if he works really hard (2 jobs), he will probably be around 40 years old when he manages to get enough money to marry you. Perhaps you can try waiting for it?

Think of it in another way - his family is giving 100% of what they can afford. They seem serious about marrying you. This is better than a rich man giving 10% of what they can afford (which is the dowry you want), and he may just want to marry you for fun, and have other women outside. Got to see his current age. Normal men who have not worked many years don't have the money you are asking for, unless they ask their parents for money. Be thankful that he is using his own money, as that means he is willing to take responsibility for you in future.

Ask yourself this question - what happens if one day, your family becomes very poor? Will your fiance still be with you, and help your family out? Marrying a man who has the money you want does not mean that he will be there for you no matter what happens.

I presume you are also a Buddhist. There are teachings that tell you that it is alright to give more, take less. Money not important. Heart important.

 

[maemaemae]

Hi JulianS, I really empathize your situation. I am a Singaporean girl and also getting married, to a Singaporean guy. To know that you have to give up a relationship at this phase must be heart-breaking.
I think if I were a guy, I would evaluate the generosity of your family and work hard towards saving up $120k. A lot of Singaporeans don't have the discipline in saving hard or setting themselves a target to be proud of. To me, it is not an impossible amount. If his family tradition is important, so is yours. Fundamentally the mutual respect should be equal, notwithstanding cultural and social class difference.
Unfortunately he has decided to stick to "social norm of Singapore". I have to say that his heart is not going to be big enough for more differences to come, nor be able courageously step up to the challenge. Rather he prefer that you keep to his comfort zone and accept his mother's humble proposal to life - one that already sounds unchallenging, and miserable to me.
Very sad to see a man not making extra effort, in view of such generosity and big heart from future in-laws. At least some effort would have been thoughtful. It's not about money, it sounds like a lot of compromise and little room to accept your point of view and your background. At least I will have more respect if he works out a financial plan and share how much he is able to achieve realistically, 3k is an insult in front of such generosity, what a shame. Maybe the foundation of true love is not really there...

Move on and don't look back! You will find someone better.

 

[life_is]

Hi JulianS, I really empathize your situation. I am a Singaporean girl and also getting married, to a Singaporean guy. To know that you have to give up a relationship at this phase must be heart-breaking.
I think if I were a guy, I would evaluate the generosity of your family and work hard towards saving up $120k. A lot of Singaporeans don't have the discipline in saving hard or setting themselves a target to be proud of. To me, it is not an impossible amount. If his family tradition is important, so is yours. Fundamentally the mutual respect should be equal, notwithstanding cultural and social class difference.
Unfortunately he has decided to stick to "social norm of Singapore". I have to say that his heart is not going to be big enough for more differences to come, nor be able courageously step up to the challenge. Rather he prefer that you keep to his comfort zone and accept his mother's humble proposal to life - one that already sounds unchallenging, and miserable to me.
Very sad to see a man not making extra effort, in view of such generosity and big heart from future in-laws. At least some effort would have been thoughtful. It's not about money, it sounds like a lot of compromise and little room to accept your point of view and your background. At least I will have more respect if he works out a financial plan and share how much he is able to achieve realistically, 3k is an insult in front of such generosity, what a shame. Maybe the foundation of true love is not really there...

Move on and don't look back! You will find someone better.

Dowry - 120k
HDB flat deposit - 100k
Wedding dinner - 40k
Wedding package - 10k

Total - 270k

Pay - 30k

Number of years required - 9, if he lives on air.

 

[maemaemae]

Lady is paying for wedding dinner.
HDB may not require upfront of 100k at today's going rate.
Savings is $0? Now that is a shame.

I don't know what is the financial status of the guy, and I'm certain he can't afford that amount. I believe everyone has their own life goals, just nothing ambitious from the guy in this story, who prefers a down to earth and humble life. But the amount of thought and heart he put into the whole process, from Julian's perspective, is what counts.

I have accumulated over 150k in liquid and non-liquid asset/savings over less than 10 years of work, starting from 2k salary. Nothing from parents or 4d or toto or shares. Which was why I thought it is not impossible. Unless he is starting from $0 savings.

 

[iccy]

Sorry to interrupt but i just felt that this thread was started not because you Julian trying to give in to the best your htb can give or to accept what they can give even you kept saying...if they can't afford they just need to talk with you.

The whole conversation and as 3rd party when i read, i got the impression that you just want to brag abt your culture your people rank and what you can afford vs Sporean. Sorry if i being direct and pardon me I am not Sporean but I just simply felt that.

You mentioned abt talking out but when the mom call to tell you the fact you can't seems to accept it and turn it ard to sound like they "insulting" you and family and you will lose face. If $ is not important to this situation as you claimed, then you won't state that.

For 4 yrs together i bet you should have adapt in the spore culture amd at least learn abt the practise and culture here than like kinda of shocked when this was discussed. I bet the same goes to your htb too that he should know abt Thai's culture...so one word I think you both are not Fit together.

I have a friend's bro who married Thais and as i understand they have a grand wedding in Thailand and after she married she did nothing and expect her husband who is a cab driver to provide her all the "dai dai" life. And even force him to sell the parents house to get a share and buy their own. And worst is her husband are forced to borrow $ to keep up her lifestyle. This is a huge problem i seeing you may ended up since you both not only from different background but you have a HUGE gap of lifestyle...so breaking up guess is a good thing for you both.

Pls find someone that can live up to you and your family expectation

 

[uglydude]

I find it very hard to believe that you come from a truly rich family.....coz i come from an extremely well to do family...when one of my sisters got married....my parents never did have any expectations for her future hubby.....All they ask is that he takes good care of my older sis....They provide housing and car for my sister...and they never did ask my sister hubby to pay a single dime aside from the wedding dinner which was not very expensive...since he comes from a normal family.......there wasn't even any dowry.....

And this goes to a lot of my friends who are wealthy......I have never heard of the truly rich expecting monetary return...unless u r not that rich in the very first place.....and just here to fire away cannon balls.....

 

[tracer.tan]

Sorry for using the word "selling", i seem girl friends who valve themselves/love or their parent valve their kids over the amount of dowry they get, and end up they cancel the wedding. I will think y valve all this with money..The purpose I ask that is really make you think what main point you want so much (in a way) from him. As his mother said is truth. I don know about others Singapore family, my dowry really meant to have a hao yi duo, just yi shi. So the amount of money or item I get are all with good meaning in it..

After reading all the comments, I agree with most of the people that you two are not meant to be tgt..

 

[lonely_desire78]

Love is priceless. If one can put a value on it, it becomes cheap, regardless of the amount of dowry. TS may justify with whatever reasons for the dowry. Remember this that there are ups and downs. If the hubby to be can afford the dowry today and subsequently loses his job, would the love remain? The act of making dowry a must-fulfil condition contradicts one important part of the oath, which is for both parties to be together through both good and bad times.

Love with that someone doesn't begin with "does he have money?" If it does, isn't that shallow? And, the relationship shouldn't even have started. Isn't it about the other person? More important also is the attitude towards life and work. To use another example, what if the guy can afford the dowry and yet has a lousy attitude towards work? A poor guy with little savings will not always remain poor. With hard work, he can achieve. While a rich guy may lose his riches someday. Does the dowry even matter, if you can put all this into the equation?

Have a look at the singapore richest people. Are all of them born of a silver spoon? Not all are. What makes a difference is hard work.

 

[sadman2009]

I think all of us shouldn't judge TS. Every girl hopes to marry a man that can give her a good life. Who of you doesn't want that? It's the desire of every girl. So, TS has the right to choose a partner that has the capability of providing well for the family.
Of course if any of you is just contented with a husband with just $2,000 salary, living in a 3-room flat, you are not wrong. And you may well be happy, although there may also be a day when money problems surface and arguments begin. But, it all depends. And your choice is respected by others.
Another girl may want to marry someone who is earning $4,000 a month and living in a 5-room flat or an executive apartment, likewise she is not wrong at all. So, it's just what you want. And everyone's requirements are different.
Although having true love is the most important thing, one should also consider the person's character and goals in life. Does the person's character and goals in life harmonize with yours?
If both of you love each other deeply, but the man is someone who has the bad habits of smoking and gambling.... One day when the reality of life hit the both of you, there will be arguments and even divorce...
As I said about TS in the beginning, both of them have no problem. It's just that they are totally not compatible. Their family and background are so different. Of course, if the man is someone with great ambition, he will work hard and prove to the girl's family that he is a capable man. May be in the future, he can give his own family a good and comfortable life based on his own ability. TS says he has no savings... Which I think may be he has but no a lot... Coz it's impossible that you have no savings if you are a capable person and has been working for a few years...
When I first come out to work, I was only earn $1500 salary... Then it increases to $2000... Follow by $3000 to $4000 and to $6000...
It's just whether do you have the ambition and goals to ... I make it a point to save a few thousands very month... So that I can plan for a better life for my family in the future...

 

[iluvshopping]

Sorry to hijack this thread. What's the normal/common dowry for Singaporean brides?

 

[Cimorene]

Sorry to hijack this thread. What's the normal/common dowry for Singaporean brides?

The max I've heard is $8,888, but I think normally abt $2k+? My mom asked me to go find out the avg too, so she know what to ask for. So far the best answer I got was don't ask for a specific amt, just tell them to give what they feel like giving. If ask too much also wrong, too little also wrong, so better to just don't give a number lol.

 

[JasTab]

I see dowry as merely a formality, something cultural yet it doesn't form the integral part of a Marriage.

Marriage means more than just the cost of wedding receptions, the dowry amounts, having a house or bmw as wedding gifts or the size of the rock on your finger.. Marriage can never be quantified by these monetary values..

Julian S, if fulfilling the Dowry amount is the one and only hurdle to marrying your bf, did it occur to you to folk out some of your savings to help your bf with the Dowry? Since, I assume your folks will eventually return all the dowry to you? The only practical solution is to help him to help yourself because Marriage is also about being supportive for one other..

If otherwise, both of you should really move on..

 

[JulianS]

#24 You probably don't understand what's going on in Thailand over the 'dowry' issue?

Maybe you try to search for สินสอด ( sin-sod ) and you'll know what I mean.
Don't forget I'm not Singaporean.

 

[JasTab]

I am not a Thai to begin with. So no, I do not understand what is the Thai concept of dowry. Neither am I interested in it because as mentioned earlier, I am not an advocate for this dowry class system, it totally demeaning the real definition of Marriage.

On a contrary, you are the one who is planning to marry a Singaporean, shouldn't there be some form of compromise with you trying to also assimilate into the Singaporean context instead of a 1 way traffic where your bf has to give in to you indefinitely? I am simply bewildered by your constant obsession with the $..

 

[lonely_desire78]

I am not a Thai to begin with. So no, I do not understand what is the Thai concept of dowry. Neither am I interested in it because as mentioned earlier, I am not an advocate for this dowry class system, it totally demeaning the real definition of Marriage.

On a contrary, you are the one who is planning to marry a Singaporean, shouldn't there be some form of compromise with you trying to also assimilate into the Singaporean context instead of a 1 way traffic where your bf has to give in to you indefinitely? I am simply bewildered by your constant obsession with the $..

Fact is, money can always make, but the love of the life time usually happens once (or, for some others, a few times).

Shouldn't the more appropriate thing be to work out the real differences between two persons, instead of working out what should the "correct" dowry amount?

I'm just as bewildered. :s

 

[modestabeth]

Hi... marriage in different cultures is not easy. I am an indonesian n will marry a singaporean. My bf's family usually have their marriage in catholic ways. Even i am catholic, my parents are still have their old fashioned chinese concept about a marriage. Usually the groom will give the amount of money, gold to the bride n family.
But in this case, i already told my bf to give only the important thing as a symbolyze to respect my family, as i know he is not a rich man.I can't push him n his family to give something that they cannot make. I also want our marriage start joyfully peacefully. In this dowry matter, even if they can fulfil all of the requests, it will effect the marriage in the future. Im sure the hubby's family will remember the wife as the "very expensive" one and the gap is created there.
I realize some of women think that they should giving a "test"(by asking this and that) to the men before they get married in order to know how much he loves her or know his effort. But if he cannot make it, then how? If a woman really loves a man, im sure her love can motivate n support the man to achieve more in the future. even now a woman marry a veryy rich man, but cannot support him well, everything can be happen. Maybe it sounds naive, but love changes everything

 

[wm910]

You should have know this in the first place and not whine now. There is a difference between getting married and selling your daughter off. Humans are created differently and you do not need millions to survive or buy a house. If that's the case people earning or who are poorer than you would have all gone dead. U r seriously better off finding someone your own league.

 

[iluvshopping]

Thanks! My mum also asked me to research.. I understand tt for Malays, they write cheque. N the cheque is displayed on wedding day. The amt depends on what is the education lvl of the bride.

 

[paperboat]

JulianS, don't you find it ridiculous to break this relationship just because of dowry?

I'm not a thai, so I may not understand the "standard" tradition of Thai wedding/dowry. But I would like to understand why do both of you need your parents to pay for the wedding/dowry? It's your wedding right.. so naturally, u both should be paying it yourself. Why still "sponge" on your parents when you both are already working adults.

When I got married, my mum is very understanding that my husband just began his career, so out of the $2888 dowry he gave, she only took $200 and returned the rest to him. I didn't felt I lost face because my mum took so little dowry, instead I felt so touched that she is so understanding. My husband on his side, did not take a single cent from his parents even though his family is well to do. My husband and I shared our wedding expenses together, he paid a bigger portion though because he said he is the guy. Now we both have our careers and we are living our life very comfortably.

Marriage isn't all about how much dowry each of you can pay, the key is compromising and understanding your partner. Don't try to ask for something that your husband is not able to fulfill, just because your parents are able to provide big dowry, doesn't mean his parents are able to afford.

Bottom line is, it's your wedding. Both of you should pay it yourself.

 

[life_is]

Bottom line is, it's your wedding. Both of you should pay it yourself.

Exactly. Adults.

 

[EzRaynE]

I feel that there's a lot of couples out there decide to get married on a whim. They don't plan ahead, they don't discuss. How long have you both discuss about the financial issues? You've dated him for about 4 years and only now you know he has no savings? So when it got exposed that the guy doesn't have any savings, some criticized him for being typical Singaporean. Does she even have her own savings? Is there no one asking why doesn't he have any savings? Did he spend too much on her just to make her happy? Did she even try to help him start a saving? No, she didn't as she doesn't even know his financial status.

Every women love to be pampered and showered with gifts but to what extend is it practical? Do you really need those gifts? Can your partner afford your lifestyle? Some may think, he's the guy so he should provide everything but what have you provide him with? It take two hands to clap, it takes two for a relationship to work. You keep focusing on what he's not able to provide and what your family can give but have you look at yourself in the mirror? Without your family, what can you give?

 

[penguinavalanche]

#24 You probably don't understand what's going on in Thailand over the 'dowry' issue?

Maybe you try to search for สินสอด ( sin-sod ) and you'll know what I mean.
Don't forget I'm not Singaporean.

JulianS, I think what everyone is trying to say here is that if u really love him, try go accept whatever he can offer. Try to see beyond the dowry and face.

My family is just an ordinary Singapore family and definitely cannot afford the dowry u expect that each side gives.

This is the plight of the usual Singapore family who stay in hdb.

For dowry, my family also cannot give me alot but they do their best and my husband side accept me and help us in any way they can to establish our new household.

I hope u can see love as something beyond dowry and culture.

 

[Yhan]

I just got married last December 2013. My husband gave $8888 to my parents as the bride price and my parents returned him $8K, my in laws got me a set of jewellery for about $2.6K. On the wedding day, my husband gave my mother $688 when he came to fetch the bride and my parents bought me more than $10K worth of gold jewellery. Profit that we made from the dinner of approx $4K , we gave all to my parents. Both side parents gave $10K each as our wedding gift. It is also a good thing for a couple to work within your means and work together to build a home. I think that is very important. My in laws aren't poor but my husband wanted to pay for the wedding himself because he is always saying that he is the one marrying not his father. I think this is a valuable asset in a man. He tries his best to give you the best and he shows his respect by not shortchanging the girl's parents.