Does He Really Care??

susanna_low

New Member
vios, we not so loh-man-ti leh but we will try to spin around the coconut trees at east cost park first wahahahahaha
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vios

New Member
u changed to ting yi? si siang?

hey, u and hubby should also try the expressway... full of excitement, and gives you very "high" feeling.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Tingyi is my chinese name...
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wahahaha u dun test me, I noe that scene!! It's out from Andy Lau's movie!! but not motorcycle meh?
 

simpleman

Active Member
I am just wondering..

Singaporean so cloistered in their views? Always thinking other countries very unsafe? I guess singaporean gals are not very exposed and nor very adventurous.

MBK in Bangkok.. I don't know.. how un-safe can it be? Why need to play safe? Then if it is un-safe, another male person will help? If they want to slaughter you and rob you in MBK, a group of Singaporeans there also no use.

We cannot be so paranoid about safety. I beg to differ. Like my daughter wanting to Thailand with her friends for holidays - all 18/19 years old girls, I have no problem. My ex-wife very worried. I told her, you have to learn to let them explore.

And next weekend, again my daughter going up to KL for a concert. Again the ex-wife was worrying. To me, again, I have no problem.

If we are so kiasi and so afraid of foreign lands - and I am talking about our neighbouring countries in popular tourist district - not talking about ulu places - then what sort of message are we teaching our next generation. They will again grow up so kiasi.

Anyway, the majority of people seem to think of the world - of the "dumping" of gf in MBK. I can never understand.. so be it... Yes, the bf is not sensitive.. I also cannot understand but to me not a big issue. If it is, then dump the bf lah.
 

vios

New Member
as long as it's playing catching on the highway and makes you guys feel sexually attracted, can lah anything goes lah....
 

vios

New Member
yoz sm

it's more of my personal values than anything else. even if i am pissed, i wouldn't disappear out of nowhere - i would still ensure that she's safe in the hotel room before i explain the need for some personal space. of course, it's beyond my control if she goes out after i leave.

well, it's just me.
 

simpleman

Active Member
vios,

Personal values, yes. I would have done the same thing as you.. never "dumped" someone that way. But it is not about us.. I don't dump does not mean someone who walked away from gf in a shopping mall is necessary to be condemned. I think it is making such a big issue than it really is. The bf is a little insensitive.. or perhaps petty - that is about all. And not necessary such a villain as if it is a fatal crime.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Personally, I have never done it but I don't think it a terribly dangerous or awful thing. Fine for you as personal value. But, it's not just personal value here, it becomes an expectation here. That is really quite different.

And I believe that there will be situations that our emotions will get the better of us. It hasn't happen doesn't mean it never could and will happen. Cut others some slack. Yah?

Also, I agree with sm on the general paranoid of singaporeans when overseas. One should always take personal precaution be it overseas or at home. The idea of just in case and becoming a body guard all the time is really an over kill expectation.
 

vios

New Member
Sm/Milo

of course this sort of disappearing act is not considered as a crime.. but i'm not surprised that some ladies would be pissed off by such actions; i can say that it's pretty subjective even for guys like me.

like how i'm looking at it, it's just something beyond me, no.1 - i do know that the gf will be worried sick abt me, no.2 - there is a possibility that the gf MAY get lost in directions whilst Looking for me or whatsoever. it MAY lead to certain consequences that i just do not want to take a risk for the sake of "throwing a tantrum" by walking away without informing the gf.

and Milo, pls tell me what Expectations do i hold in this situation? it's precisely there are bad situations that our emotions will get better of us - such that i will remind myself that it's not Me to do that - and pls don't tell me that it's something that i will not do when my Concerns are clearly indicated, as above.

an Expectation, like what you suggested or my Personal Value, like what i've firmly stated... so what? yes, you can say that i don't approve the way he handled it... but i'm not condemning this person, because i don't know him at all.

and pls hor.. i'm not talking about bodyguarding the gf wherever she goes... that's exaggerated. i'm emphasizing on Accountability as well - don't you guys also pick a spot at certain time to gather? - overseas or in s'pore.

alternative - what's the deal with telling the gf that he needs space to cool off, but will meet her at a particular spot on a certain time? walking away (oblivious to the gf) pretty much says alot about the bf. well, at least to me.
 

matka

Member
I don't think the issue here is whether getting left behind in a foreign mall is a big deal.

The crux of the matter is that threadstarter feels uncomfortable that her bf has been nonchalant about how she was feeling. The fact is that their expectations possibly do not meet each other's. If at this point it is hard to accept, I think it is wise for them to evaluate the relationship now... especially since they plan to get married.
 

tomasulu

Member
it didn't raise any alarm bell when your guy told you your love is smothering?

all you bleeding hearts who consider the bf's action horrible, count yourself lucky you haven't met someone who deserves something much much worse. anyway, the point is we shouldn't judge someone's reaction without understanding the action which precipitates it.
 

simpleman

Active Member
My contention is still the same.

She lost him in MBK. Is she more worried about him or the fact that he did not bother to look for her? She only knows he did not bother to look for her as an after effect?

She is walking in front.. so who is dumping who? Obviously when he asked her to walk ahead, his intention is clear.. he wants some private space. He probably follow her till when they reached MBK and he think she is safe there and therefore he left.

I am just talking about the gravity of this incident. Is it such a big deal.

And yes her expectations.. typical of a woman's expectations. When they are angry and had a tiff with BF and even if she walked away, she expects bf to look for her high & low..

Yes the BF probably did not meet this expectation. And so, please dump him lah.

I take the view it is not such a big deal.

If the same happens in SG, it will not be an issue? Still, I believe most girls will kick up a fuss if they stormed away and bf did nothing but just goes home.

If this is the type of expectation than keep on searching till you find the one.

And surely we still do not know what actually happened on that day.. the events leading to that..
 

simpleman

Active Member
vios,

What accountability are you taking about? We are talking about 2 adults here - in a tourist spot. Is it so unthinkable for one to leave the other for private space (especially when one is angry).

What is so difficult about find her way back to the hotel. Is she worried about him, his safety or the fact the he was not concerned about her due to the fact the he seemed not to look for her high & low?

You are right.. he can tell gf that he needs private time. But not all guys can communicate that well. The fact that he asked her to walk ahead is obvious enough. Obviously she did not know him well enough.
 

matka

Member
Hmm. I don't believe I've seen SK39 mention that her bf finds her 'smothering' or overwhelming for that matter. 'Mothering' yes, which some (SOME) guys like. What a difference one letter makes
happy.gif
 

susanna_low

New Member
sm, u mentioned that your gal is travelling to BKK with her friends. Let's say
she had some misunderstandings with her friends and her friends just walked
away without telling her.
She searched for them hi & low and they are not contactable by phone.
When she reach the hotel, they are not in but came back with shoppings from
other malls. Will u say the same thing to her?
 

vios

New Member
sm,

accountability - set a time to meet at a place; to cool off, shop, take a dump or smoke break. Not clear enuff meh?

i find that it's just one of those random childish-acts that no one would expect... we don't just disappear (like a ninja) from a situation - moreover, after getting coaxed like a baby - to make a further statement, do we?

i think i couldn't be clearer than this...
 

thommy

New Member
I dun think TS is treating her bf as a bodyguard milo, its just that when she was feeling helpless, she just wanted him to be near her or able to see him just to feel reassured.

anyway during piques of anger, ppl tend to react irrationally and do things which they normally won't. in this case maybe her bf left her alone and walked off angrily but I dun think he meant to 'dump' her or anything like that. i mean, when I'm angry sometimes I do things which I regret later too...emotions are hard to control.

then again, if TS really cannot accept this point, perhaps she shld re-evaluate their relationship again if it bothers her that much.
 

faith23

New Member
I wonder what is your reaction guys if your partner just gone missing without telling you where she gone to and not back to the hotel
 

susanna_low

New Member
No matter whether in SG or overseas, the situation wont be so bad if they are still contactable by HP or at least just let her know that he need some time off nstead of walking off like that.
 

maerceci

New Member
Hi SK39,
I agree with sm that your bf may be insensitive to leave you without saying anything. But i don't see it as a major flaw in him. People just react and behave differently in a situation. Can be due to upbringing or beliefs.

If you don't like him to leave you behind, you should tell him so. Tell him how you feel when you lost sight of him. It will be good if he can understand why you feel so and promise not to do that again. If knowing that his love one will be worried and yet he refused to make an effort to give her assurance, he probably don't value this relationship.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
vios, upset over it, okie. Quite expected. Its just another fight between couples. No big deal.

To reconsider the entire relationship and marriage? To condemn that guy like a criminal? Childish over-reaction.
 

dimpxtt

New Member
haiz..if attached....have so many 'complaints'

b single then...
all guys are the same....

pattern come out after a while..
 

vios

New Member
milo,

i've just scanned through... i don't see in any post that SK39 was condemning her bf like a criminal... in fact, she mentioned that she tried to pacify him and also, she described the frantic moments because he simply disappeared. yup maybe, she's reconsidering because she starts to have more doubts about him?

it's ok to think again, i don't think it's childish as she couldn't accept his manner of handling issues (i assume this is not the first time)
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
vios...

relooking at the marriage over this. That's a pretty big condemnation no? Not to mention, the many other forumers joining in the condemnation as if he has done the ultimate sin or something.

Its just a fight and both didn't handle it well. Moving ahead, they could talk about it and learn to handle it better. But, to break up because of this? Looks like the relationship isn't really cherished in the 1st place. Or that, personal pride and ego are placed in more priority. It actually reflects a lot about the couple.

I'm not condemning the TS. But just pointing out its probably 2 sides to it. Judging on how she reacted in the MBK incident, I think its a fair deduction on how dramatic she is as well.
 

cherielim

New Member
After a slight misunderstanding, he dragged behind while we were walking from Platinum to MBK. After several tries to placate him, where he just kept silent and indicated I should walk ahead and he would follow behind, I lost sight of him at MBK Mall.

Comment
The issue is the couple could not properly communicate and resolve the conflict and her SO I think is a little "sick" of her. There is little or no romance in the relationship is just a chore althought it is still in the honeymoon stage.


Finally got him on his mobile. The relief was incredible!! But when I heard he had left the mall about an hour ago and was back at Platinum, it really makes me wonder about this man I love.
He said when he lost sight of me, he didnt bother searching as he assumed I would do my own shopping and go back to the hotel on my own.

Comment
Support my previous comment. SO is too "bohchup" and there is no care of TS. He may also find that she is too "fustrating or sticky". The romance is just not there anymore.

Being together 7 months, he already knows my type of character quite well. He mentioned before that the type of love i put into a relationship is similar to motherly love, all-encompassing and self-sacrificing. If that is so, how could he have assumed i would not have worried? He didnt even make any effort to find me..

Comment
There is no longer romance. My feel is that they should go back to the drawing block and see what went wrong in the romance and resolve it. If not go on a short break and see if they are truely meant for each other
 

kenturik

New Member
To condemn him maybe a bit far fetch. But what he did in my opinion is not acceptable. Safe or not safe, that is not the way an adult should handle things. Then again, these days couple do quarrel in very different ways... Maybe in Singapore already like that.... Like I said before, how your bf treated you would also reflect on how you probably have treated him before.... If minus the thailand, the MBK, the nose bleeding scenario, the phone been out..... then walking off would not have been such a big issue right?
So is it the place or is it the person or is it the whole scenario that have unfolded???? I also dun know!!!! TS go figure out yourself.
 

maerceci

New Member
SK39,
What can the other actions be to make you have doubts in this relationship?
You only describe this incident. Does that means that you think this is the more "serious" that triggers your uncertainty?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
One point to add :
having all encompassing and self-sacrificing love doesn't mean have to be drama and not think of the best way to handle a situation leh. Its pretty dumb and self imposed misery to undergo all the stress, nose bleeding etc. The arguement that he should know her pattern is double edged. She should have known he is so bo-chup as well
happy.gif


Next time, its better to compose oneself and think of the best action. Love doesn't need to be dramatic and mindless.

Regardless if TS wants to dump her bf or not. This is one take away she can reflect about.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
funnie that the only conclusion drawn from everything is no more romance.

This is not sarcasm... I'm really finding this kind of thinking very funny!

Agree with doll, there is nothing much to romance about conflict and anger management. Guys should just learn to kiss and hug their partners when they are angry. That should keep pacify them.
happy.gif


I do that many times when wife is too angry or emotional. I just tell her, its okie. She is upset and I'm angry but nothing is changed to the fact we love each other. No one feels loved when angry. But, we shouldn't doubt our feelings for each other over some angry reactions.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
No matter how independent a woman is, she instinctively looks for a man who really cares and exhibits caring and generous behaviour to her. It has nothing to do with whether she can take care of herself, on home ground or overseas, or if can find her way back to the hotel.

But the thing is, many women want the husband or bf to care, yet when he doesn't they still stick around hoping for change?? That to me, is wishful thinking.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Doll, reread my msg. Just added more stuffs. That is what I do normally to calm an angry wife despite being very angry and pissed myself.

The tone is going to be bad and not loving. But, I just try my best to reassure her still. Same with my mum actually. And mostly, it does minimize the damage in conflicts. Just my personal recommendation for others out there.
 

matka

Member
Posters can disagree with what either party think. But personally, if there is any discomfort between either party, it should be ironed out before the consideration of marriage comes in. Rather than letting it "slide" but still harboring "what if" thoughts down the road.

Isn't it better to resolve it now? It is afterall only been 7 mths and they have already reached a lifelong decision. Yes, whirlwind romances do happen. But marriage is not built on romance alone. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part. If one side feels that this is serious enough an issue, and the other may not see eye-to-eye... Then I say by all means, get it sorted out first. Don't say "suck it up!" And then come regretting later and say that he's too insensitive for me.

Nip it in the bud, than to let it fester further? No?
 

cherielim

New Member
My personal take.. No romance (not romantic).. The SO just simply do not care for TS as much. If I am to be lost in another country, I am sure my EX will find me till he eventually finds me.

Problem here for TS is conflict management, communication and also lack of romance (Love, Care and Understanding) and so I think they would be better off resolving the issues now
 

vios

New Member
milo,

nope, i don't liken the reconsideration to condemnation. it's good to think things through after accumulated incidents - that would lead to certain doubts.

actually i don't know how much more SK39 could try to resolve in that similar kind of situations, given her more-instinctive nature. it's natural for her to make peace as she did, but the bf didn't budge. should she thus become a clown to appease him??

earlier, i mentioned that her worries and subsequent actions (ie.PA system) were understandable because as long as it's Feasible to allay fear, why not use 'em even it might seemed drama-ish? don't mention the nosebleed lah. it was just unfortunate, top of the anxiety.

yep, i can agree with you on her assumption - that he should know her well enough.
 

susanna_low

New Member
No matter how independent a woman is, she instinctively looks for a man who really cares and exhibits caring and generous behaviour to her. It has nothing to do with whether she can take care of herself, on home ground or overseas, or if can find her way back to the hotel.

But the thing is, many women want the husband or bf to care, yet when he doesn't they still stick around hoping for change?? That to me, is wishful thinking.


I totally agreed with Doll on this.
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
vios,

If people can be so cool and think so clearly when they are in a tiff.. then well, what is then the tiff?

I mean when you are upset with certain things, at times you would not want to say anything.. just leave alone.. and when overseas - naturally head back to hotel to meet.. do we have to spell it out so clearly. And even if we did not, is that such a big issue that was made out to be>
 

simpleman

Active Member
ACtually regarding SK39, I doubt her words about no signal in MBK. I have been to MBK many times and I cannot recall at any time I had no signal.. or could just move around out of blind spots..

If she was in blind spots no signal, naturally even if the BF tried to contact her - he would have failed.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Doll

No matter how independent a woman is, she instinctively looks for a man who really cares and exhibits caring and generous behaviour to her. It has nothing to do with whether she can take care of herself, on home ground or overseas, or if can find her way back to the hotel.

But the thing is, many women want the husband or bf to care, yet when he doesn't they still stick around hoping for change?? That to me, is wishful thinking.


Exactly.

But on the other hand, if there is a quarrel, woman also expect the man to give in.. in this instance to swallow his pride and look high & low for her. If he did not do that.. then he don't love her.

It is this kind of expectation. And if the guy cannot meet this type of expectation, that do they do? Do they break-up or continue to expect and be frustrated.
 

simpleman

Active Member
ting yi,

What you want me to say? It is her friends, she chose it. It is really up to her.

I won't ask her to dump her friends. She is more than capable of making such decisions.
 

sk39

New Member
To clarify, he was upset with me over small issues. Day 1 & 2 was spent stocking up from wholesalers for his shop. I felt that was sufficient as we only had 4 days there. I wanted to explore elsewhere together as this was supposed to be a holiday/getaway for both of us & NOT a working trip. Initially while I was making the holiday plans, his reaction was quite negative as he felt BKK didnt hold anything of interests to him and he mentioned his only reason to go was to accompany me.

On the 3rd day afternoon (and we were STILL back at Platinum) I felt he was concentrating too much on buying new stocks and reminded him that this was a getaway to improve our relationship. He said I am not understanding and from walking side by side holding hands, he started pulling behind while we were walking from Platinum to Siam Paragon to MBK.

By the time we were both at MBK, he was walking 10 to 15 step behind. At first I did try to pacify him (it has been this way from Day 1, I am the one who initiates contact or apologises after quarrels or misunderstandings. He is quite traditional in that sense) but it only made him more and more aggravated. I did not stalk or stomp off in anger, as some forumers assumed.
happy.gif
I did as he asked and walked in front while turning back occassionally to ensure he was following behind.

As for the nosebleed, I am prone to that when stressed or when the weather gets too hot. Have a history of minor health problems such as migraines, nosebleeds, dizziness, but nothing major and mostly beyond my control. Not something to add more drama to the situation.

SM, I have read some of your other posts and you do give good insight & reasonings but I cant help wondering I must have rubbed you the wrong way. There is no reason for me to lie here just to look good or make forumers empathize with me and blast my bf. I was at Level 3 when I tried calling using my mobile. Even approached some school students to check what are the prefix to dial international. There was simply no signal. Even switched off & on again my phone. I am using an iphone & am on M1.

After the announcements @ the Customer Service counter (I think that was Level 1 and the counter was OUTSIDE the building), I tried my mobile again and this time round I managed to get him. He didnt make any effort, whether to call my mobile (regardless whether there was signal or not) or to search for me, because he told me so.

My first concern was of his safety. 2nd concern was that he might be equally worried for me. My main objective was to find him as soon as possible. Of course when I decribe the turmoil and worry going through my head, it does sound drama mama. But my actions sequence had been 1) trying to call via mobile 2) searching around where I lost him and not moving away from that level 3) searching for public phone to call 4) finally move to Level 1 to make public announcement after witnessing the local trend of using the PA system to locate people.

I guess what disappointed me the most is his lack of worry or concern. I know he is not a very sensitive guy, these 7 months have kind of adjusted my expectations but I at least hoped he cared about me in his own way.

I'm not here to gather supporters or poll. He has accused me of "one-sided thinking" time & time again. To him, my reasons are not valid and often he would disagree with what I have to say until I am also doubtful about my own perception. I thought it would be good to get outside opinions for a fresh outlook of our situation.

Most of our disagreements are over small matters. Petty, yes. But when small issues are accumulated over time, there is cause for unhappiness. I will cite some other examples for a broader insight. He has a retail shop in town. After knowing me, he terminated his hired help as I was helping out everyday after work and on weekends & public holidays. My main intention is to help lessen his burden but I feel taken for granted sometimes. When I sweep the floor, he makes comments "oh so much rubbish. good, so you are not wayang hor". He asks me to treat the shop as my own so that I would put in all my effort to help improve sales but when I enquire about the daily sales, he feels I am being irritating & "keh kiang". Sometimes he asks me to rush over during lunch hour to take care of the shop while he goes shopping. I know it is just him alone running the shop and he does not have any off days, and it is my responsibility as a gf to help him as much as possible, but at times, I cant help feeling discontented.

Forumers say, not happy then break. It is not so easy when emotions are involved. I dont want to give up so easily but I do not know how to improve things from where we stand.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
sk, on the fact that he asked you to treat is as your biz, is he sharing it with you as his partner? If yes, why would that upset and make you feel taken for granted. Seems to me that you are still taking it as his biz and you are only helping up. You did not really share and feel you are in the same boat.

Examples you mentioned indicated how sensitive you are about the slightest things. Frankly, I see nothing more than a joke in his comments but you are offended by it. You might reconsider if an insensitive guy is ready and suited for you.
 

sk39

New Member
Hi milo,

Sorry wasnt clear. No, I am not his partner, nor do I earn any commission or get salary from him. In fact, I used my own money to design and start up a website for him and printed banners, posters, namecards for the shop. I am "free labour" as what my friends put it.
happy.gif


Possible my doubts stem from some feedback from my closer colleagues and friends. They are worried he is taking me for a ride and using me for his benefit. The idea has been eating at me. His actions/words does not show care & concern for me. When I was sick at his shop, he thought I was being lazy until I finally heaved & puked.

Could it be he really cares but doesnt know how to show it?

You are right that I am too sensitive. I realised that I shouldnt be too offended by such words. It would be nice if he used positive words to show his appreciation sometimes.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
SK, would be nice but in reality. Would he? If no, can you accept that? There is no right or wrong. But its your life and happiness you are looking at. Regardless what emotions are involved, you need to face the reality of it all. Your struggle will not be only 7 months.
 

simpleman

Active Member
It is his business. I just want to warn you as far as business is concern, the line has to be drawn. If you help him on your own accord, then it is voluntary work. If he is not appreciative, then stop doing it.

It is better this way rather than get frustrated.

As for phone signals in MBK, I had my doubts as I go to MBK frequently.. but of course it is possible to have blind spots, low signals, just move to another spot, another level like what you have done. It would be easy to do that instead of hunting high and low.

Anyway it is your life. If your expectations of him are not aligned with his actions - then it tells very much about the relationship that you are having. Well not necessary to break-off immediately but you can communicate with him and come to a mutual understanding.

If there is no communication and you always feel exploited and not loved - really, it is a no-brainer to look for greener pasture. Emotional attachment, notwithstanding. It is something you have to deal with.
 

renerene

New Member
SK39, I think seeking opinions on whether have you over-reacted or is he too insensitive, is your love too motherly or does he simply bo-chup, are you asking for too much or is he giving too little... does not really help much. So what if you are and so what if he is? Maybe the question you should ask is, are you compatible? And I believe only both of you are in the position to answer that.

"Not happy then break" may be easy to say but not easy to do. Nonetheless, at least the ROM idea should be put on hold on until both of you have your expectations aligned. Have you take time to talk about what marriage means to you and the expectations of each other in the relationship? If you haven't, perhaps marriage preparation course will be useful for you.
 


vios

New Member
a tiff is a tiff, noted... but it's not just abt the tiff?

honestly Sm, i'm surprised you do not factor in the real aspect of conflict management. yes we can't think 100% clearly - that is not very possible. sometimes, 50% is good enough for that very tense moment, isn't it?

yes it will accmulatively be a huge issue if the bf keeps doing such stuffs - that speaks of his immaturity in handling issues. suffice to say, an isolated incident could well be written over with a heart-to-heart talk.
 

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