Does He Really Care??

sk39

New Member
We've been together for 7 months and recently we went on a trip to Bangkok (just after the political crisis) together.

After a slight misunderstanding, he dragged behind while we were walking from Platinum to MBK. After several tries to placate him, where he just kept silent and indicated I should walk ahead and he would follow behind, I lost sight of him at MBK Mall. It was really crowded, and I searched frantically for him for nearly half an hour. I dared not leave that level in case he was also searching for me.

Unfortunately my handphone was not functioning properly (or the reception was poor) and I couldn't dial out. Most of the public phones didnt allow overseas calls.

I made several pubic announcements on the PA system and waited for him at the Customer Service counter for another half an hour. I was at a lost what to do next. I have never travelled alone and the lost, confused feeling was overwhelming.

I think i was just too stressed up and worried about him and the heat was getting to me that I started to have a major nosebleed. It was terrible, and I was such a sight, blood smeared all over my face.

Finally got him on his mobile. The relief was incredible!! But when I heard he had left the mall about an hour ago and was back at Platinum, it really makes me wonder about this man I love. Does he really care about me & my welfare?

He said when he lost sight of me, he didnt bother searching as he assumed I would do my own shopping and go back to the hotel on my own.

Being together 7 months, he already knows my type of character quite well. He mentioned before that the type of love i put into a relationship is similar to motherly love, all-encompassing and self-sacrificing. If that is so, how could he have assumed i would not have worried? He didnt even make any effort to find me..Wasnt he worried about leaving his gf alone in a foreign country?? Or am I just over-sensitive and expecting too much from him?

We were supposed to ROM end of this year, but so many of his actions (with the BKK trip being the latest example) gives me doubts.
 


matka

Member
Hi SK39

I don't think you're oversensitive. Do re-evaluate your relationship. Take time to attend marriage prep courses and see if your values and expectations are aligned.

Don't jump in if you're not sure. That's the best gift you can give you and your bf.
 

ichangeforyou

New Member
A guy has the right to be angry but not at the expense of the safety and welfare of his partner.

I think the worst is you tried to placate him. But he refuse to response. That's petty and selfish... not love definitely.

Question to ask: can he put you above anything else?
 

babystorm

Member
I can only say what an arsehole! I don't dig petty guys and it's worse when he left you alone overseas! It's bad enough if it happened locally. Why did he overlook your welfare above other petty stuff? Did he use another head to think? Sheesh! Sometimes it's the small things that you should take note of a guy.
 

simpleman

Active Member
I suggest don't look too much into it.

they are probably having a tiff.. Bangkok shopping complexes are ok lah.. safe for a girl. Not as if she is dumped in some desert.

The question is, what is their quarrels about?
 

thommy

New Member
"We were supposed to ROM end of this year, but so many of his actions (with the BKK trip being the latest example) gives me doubts."

what other actions are u talking abt?

u only cited this scenario which is really of no big deal...or at least to me.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Sk,

Wow! You shouldn't act so cartoon. Your boyfriend is a grown man, not a small kid.

People only use PA system announcement to find lost young children. 1st time I heard girlfriend use it to find boyfriend in the shopping mall.

If really need to be cartoon, let him be the one to be cartoon, you do your shopping and go back hotel yourself, why bother about him?
 

susanna_low

New Member
Gal, it is definitely not right for him to dump u at a foreign shopping mall and don't even bother to look for you.

My hb and I had a tiff at Bangkok airport too and I wilfully choose a different queue. By the time we cleared the custom, I couldn't find him and I doesn't even have a mobile phone with me.

Finally he found me through announcement and he even asked the thai police to locate me.

A person can be petty but whether he's genuinely concerned about you is a total different matter.

Guys, will you do this to your loved ones?
 

sk39

New Member
Albee,

Actually I got the idea to announce on PA system from the trend at MBK. Seems like everybody was using the PA system to look for lost friends / relatives. Cartoon huh?
happy.gif
Thinking back, yes, my actions were a bit too extreme but I was really worried at that time, I guess my emotions got over me, plus the nosebleed wasnt helping.

SM,

The tiff was actually over petty things. I felt he was too self-absorbed and voiced out that I wanted him to be more considerate.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
There should be a balance between concern and trust. We are all adults and able to take care of ourselves lah. Both were behaving too extreme to me.

SK's bf behavior is probably too uncaring while SK's reactions were too dramatic also. He is not a small boy what. She can be worried but still, he knows his way back to the hotel right? Why afraid to leave the place? Even if he is still waiting for her, no point both parties searching high and low. Waiting here and there without communicating.

The best thing is to head back to the hotel and get a working phone to contact him. I don't think its wrong for him to head back to the hotel than to behave frantically like SK, getting stressed up, nose bled etc, too drama not effective and self imposed. But, when he found her not back, he should have try and contact her through the mobile.

Frankly, does one need to see too deeply into this concerned part? I see more simply differing view on how to handle the situation, that's all.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Strange for anyone to assume that others have not been in such situation. Frankly, its really pretty common lah.

Each time that it happened to me, I was just glad to find my loved one. Maybe some nagging that they should have done this or that but nothing more. Definitely more pleased than pissed.
 

sk39

New Member
Susanna, your hubby is really sweet.

I guess my actions were too dramatic, at that moment when it happened, I didnt want to leave that floor / level because I thought he would be worried sick about my whereabouts and wanted to make it easier for us to find each other.

SM, he didnt go back to the hotel, he went shopping at a mall about 30 minutes' walk away.

This incident continues to nag at the back of my mind even though its been more than a week. I guess I expected him to show some concern in his actions.
 

dimpxtt

New Member
stimes when u expect ur partner to care for u ....
then they dun care..really very disappointing..

maybe u shd start expecting less from him from now on..
so that you will not feel so sad..
 

shannat

New Member
actually i feel it is not right for him to just leave u alone n contd shopping alone. n then after finding each other, acted like no big deal. i guess u r upset.
no matter what, it is still dangerous for a girl to be alone in a foreign country, imo lah.
for me n my bf, when we went bkk n had small arguements, we also stayed close to each other. n we also arranged tt if any one of us goes "missing" wait at a certain location ie cust service or main entrance, no point running high n low to search.
but i think, maybe ur reaction also abit too drama lah. if really cant find him just go back hotel n wait.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Don't talk about "dumping" her there. It is not. It is not a deserted island or a desert. As I said, it is a popular shopping belt in Bangkok.. thousands and thousands of tourist.

Even when I last went, my eldest daughter - then only 15 wanted to roam herself in the shopping complex.. not an issue at all.

Both of them are drama and childish.. and it is really a small matter.. if this can break a relationship then thank goodness for it.
 

denise80

Active Member
SK39,

congrats! you did the right thing by going on a tour with him! Most partners learn more about one another after they travelled overseas together. In a foreign country, you can sometimes see and learn more about another person's personality. My ex bf is somewhat similar to yours except that he is rather self-centred. He would basically care only for himself, something which he would do in SG. For instance, he would dread carrying things for me and ask why I buy so much. He would hate taking pictures of scenery and all and expect me to do it. So I was the photographer all the time. So now you have a better idea of him without having to go through a super long relationship to find out. Of course, whether youcan accept that is up to you eventually.

Ppl, I don't think TS is overreacting or that she's a baby or what. Losing someone in a crowd can be stressful, whether or not that person is crippled or full-bodied. sm, your example is not valid. Your daughter herself chose to roam there and you're kept in the known. If you suddenly lose ur daughter in the crowd and couldn't contact her and you can still remain calm, I'll think you're an uncaring father for displaying such overwhelming confidence that she's definitely be alright. Give you a scenario...what if something happened to your daughter (like god damn she's raped, fell down the escalator or something) and you couldn't contact her? You would cry for not having lingered longer at the place to search for her. Here, they lost one another and did not manage to contact each other. Perhaps you don't understand women. Women dislike uncertainty. It's not that we're such babies and need a father. We just want to be sure that the other party is alright and at the same time, he's not looking for us and we won't be missing one another. Naturally when TS realised that her partner had long returned to the hotel and treated like it's a small issue, she is upset. If TS is such a baby, hahaha...would she go to the information counter and request to make an announcement?
 

denise80

Active Member
After reading so many guys who think little of this incident here, aiyo..I'm so glad I found my hubby. I'm going to hug him tightly tonight to tell him how much I appreciate him. Most men to me are generally less sensitive to women's feelings I feel and simply label women as overreacting, dramatic, babies etc...

Travelling with your partner really can tell you endless things about this partner. It gives you an entirely new perspective. As compared to my ex, when I travelled with my hubby who was then my bf, I could totally see that he's more selfless. He enjoys himself but also cares about the people around him, not just to me but to others on the tour bus as well. I think that's the kind of men women should fall for man! Not my ex type who cares about himself, even ask me to keep quiet because he wants to enjoy the scenery in peace - then go travel alone la alamak! Worse, this ex of mine also complained incessantly about the elderly on board the bus who are slow and of the kids who are nothing but a nuisance when they are actually fine in my opinion.
 

ajumma

New Member
TS,

it may be like what others said, a small matter after a tiff, BUT this small matter shows his attitude towards u.

u said ur bf told u to walk ahead and he walked behind? he most likely purposely disappeared and left u by urself in a foreign shopping mall.

if it's accidentally get lost, don't say bf/gf, even among frens, i will wait for my fren at the place we last saw each other or try to contact him/her via hp.

trust ur own instincts, don't ROM after such a short courtship. u have been together less than a yr rite? this is the time when his true colours will start to appear.
 

susanna_low

New Member
SK, not at all, i could totally emphasis with u l and it's definitely not a good sight with the nose bleed. In fact you are not over reacting.

No guys here could ans me when I asked whether they will dumped their wives at foreign shopping malls after a tiff.

You might like to know him better before stepping into the aisle with him.

My frd married a guy who asked me to send her hme when she's drunk while he's enjoying a night out with his buddies and even offered his buddies ride home when he couldnt even walk straight! What type of spouse he is??
Hope your bf isn't such sort of guys. Use your heart to see instead of your eyes.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I see it this way - The bf wasn't being mean by walking away or wandering off on his own. But he does come across as an insensitive and petty man.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I won't do the same and I don't expect this to be done to me. I will dump the man who does this to me simply because I have low tolerance for rude, petty and insensible men. I don't even need to go online and poll people.

But will TS do the same as I would?

Your question should be posted to TS because the incident has happened to her.

For me, my bf and I don't quarrel with or ignore each other in public places. There had been some tensed discussion/debate in the car a couple of times before, but before we left each other for the night we had made peace and hugged and kissed each other goodnight.

Timing is very important, you don't push your point to the breaking point. You don't push the other person over the edge. With us, we can let go of the issue or difference for the moment and come back again to sort it out another day when both cool down.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"No guys here could ans me when I asked whether they will dumped their wives at foreign shopping malls after a tiff."

Seriously, I would dump a gal that drama. Not overseas, I will break off back in sgp. What's the point of doing a stupid poll? Both have issues that they should reflect about. Its an arguement. Tell me one person that is always nice regardless of emotions. I might really walk away if I'm too mad to continue facing a person. And its MBK for goodness sake. Walking away and dumping are 2 different things actually.

I have not done it to my wife. But my mum have made me so mad numerous times through the yrs. So mad that I would slam my head on the wall. Probably all these yrs of frustration have trained my tolerance level. Now, wife is benefiting.
 

babystorm

Member
Susanna, I can relate to what you shared. An ex of mine dumped me at the roadside near my house. Nothing wrong right? I was drunk and it was in the middle of the night. He didn't even bother to see me home safely despite it's just a few steps away.

Needless to say, I dumped him shortly after. I didn't tell him the reason but like I said earlier, add up all the small things and they can tell you alot about someone. Sometimes you really have to use your brain, besides your heart.

My heart tells me that I like him alot but my brain says that he is not compatible with me. Anyways I'm glad it's over because I know I deserve much better.
happy.gif
 

denise80

Active Member
Hmm...devil's advocate again...
Let's consider the following...

In a petty quarrel, the guy just walks away and leaves the gal behind = petty & inconsiderate guy.

In the same petty quarrel, the gal walks away and leaves the guy = emotional wreck but still acceptable?

Maybe it's also societal norms that women are reacting strongly on this issue because socially it's just not that acceptable for a man to 'desert' a woman like that and when the woman goes on to look for the man, the man is deemed as hopeless. However, if the woman was the one who walked away, the man is expected to look for her. We wouldn't call the man a 'baby' or think he's drama papa right if he franticaly look for the woman in this case? Ironically we might think this man loves the woman a lot so he was frantically trying all means to find her in MBK! LOL So so so ironic!
 

simpleman

Active Member
I am not using my daughter as an example as rightly pointed out.. she did it on her own accord. What I was alluding to is MBK is a safe place.. I wouldn't all it dump but since it is a tiff, so just leave her to do her shopping (absolutely safe), while the guy do own thing.

And I was just saying about the dumping part. It is MBK for goodness sake.. Not as if he is endangering her life. It is a tiff and if both are not mature enough to handle it... then you can't expect the guy to chase after her..

"No guys here could ans me when I asked whether they will dumped their wives at foreign shopping malls after a tiff."

If it is meant to say left the wife to shopping while I go back to hotel on my own, then yes I would after a tiff. But no.. I don't normally quarrel over small things so the chances of it happening is very low..
 

susanna_low

New Member
Timing is very important, you don't push your point to the breaking point. You don't push the other person over the edge. With us, we can let go of the issue or difference for the moment and come back again to sort it out another day when both cool down.

I don't normally quarrel over small things

Good points to ponder.
happy.gif


Milo, u r not the only one..my mum also like that :p

Miyako san: Preciously. my ex dumped me in the middle of the road and drove off. My mum saw this and this really reflect on the type of person he is and the mannerism of a man. Frankly speaking, i also can't accept a man like that.
Nonetheless he's history too.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
miyako san's case is clearly not the same situation. She is drunk, defenseless and reliant on him then to take care of her. In such a situation, its a totally careless and irresponsible thing to do to leave the gal regardless how angry the both were.

I'm with sm on this. Its MBK for goodness sake! Its not the same as leaving a person in Desker road and Orchard road!
 

ajumma

New Member
just sharing my experience, even if u're feeling angry after tiff and u must walk away to cool down, i tink the guy/girl still need to tell or even shout out to their other half that they want time out before walking off. to suddenly disappear into the crowd is wrong.

but on the other hand, the TS bf may be the type who is bochup and did not do it on purpose. either way, not very good lah. it's always better to marry a guy who is concerned about your personal safety. bangkok some more, it's not as tho it is sg. i still tink he should not have done that.

but TS also made a mistake to bring up unhappiness during their trip. next time find a better time to talk to him. holiday supposed to be happy and relaxed. not for complaining.

just my two cents worth.
 

babystorm

Member
Milo, the ironical thing is that we did not quarrel but he still dumped me there nonetheless. Pathetic hor. I didn't say anything and just dragged myself to the doorsteps. But in the quiet and cold night, I could hear my heart breaking. Cannot imagine what would happen if I had met a baddie.
 

susanna_low

New Member
It's not about safety issues. During the time when I was separated from my hb at BKK airport, it's not about my own safety that I m concerned with or even whether I could find the way to the hotel. At worst case, I can even fly back to SG.
It's the type of anxiety feelings of being separated from your loved ones and also whether he could find me. I couldn't even think straight and just kept walking around hopefully to see him. In fact I m really v anxious to find him.
The only thought was just to find him and it's so relieved and happy just to see him again.
It's even more touching to hear that he made an announcement and even asked the police to look for him and yes I couldn't even recall on the previous angry thoughts about but definitely sure that my hb wasn't the sort of guy who will leave me behind no matter what and also the importance of him in my heart though i do not always show this out.
 

powder

Active Member
Miyako,

As a lady, the number one rule is never to get yourself to that state of stupor... But I do agree tat he is an ass
 

babystorm

Member
Powder, ya I went overboard. Before that, I almost fell asleep while riding on his bike. I could have fell off and kanna hit by the cars. If my parents know, they will slaughter me!
 

powder

Active Member
When safety is discarded for emotions like a
Anger, or for ego pride etc... U will know this person isn't someone u can really depend on when push comes to shove.
 

thommy

New Member
susanna, I won't dump my wife at foreign malls after a tiff...I will still walk together with her but won't talk until we make peace later.
 

cuclainne

New Member
once, i went to the airport to fetch an ex after his flight and on the way back to his place on the bus, fell ill. we got down, he flagged a cab for me and told me to go home on my own. i felt so sick, i can't even tell the taxi driver properly on where to go (i know what i wanted to say but the words just didn't form correctly from my mouth) .. i don't remember much after except that i had a lot of visitors and spent a lot of time sleeping. my mom told me i said a lot of weird things in my sleep and they were very worried. but my ex wasn't - he didn't even call to find out whether i made it home or not. shortly after that, our relationship ended.

so far, my husband has not dumped me at any foreign malls after a tiff but there was once when we were dating, we had an argument after dinner and i told him to leave me alone - this was my first time in stockholm. slowly he retreated from walking next to me to walking a few steps behind and then when i finally turned around, he was no longer there! i remembered how to get home though and by the time i reached the building entrance, he just appeared back next to me. i was upset but i also knew that i was the one who told him to leave me alone ... though he assured me afterwards that he still had his sight on me while giving me the space i asked for.
 

kenturik

New Member
Like the army says... leave no man behind... Go out together come back together... Want to fight, argue also die die do it in the room.... In worst case, return to Singapore then breakup.... How to answer to her parents should you leave her in the mall and something happens???? The parents trusted you with the responsibility to bring her daugther for a holiday and you jolly well bring her back in one piece...... That's my thought.... MCP or not... that cant be compromise
 

cococherry

New Member
hmmm there was once my hub left me behind in a large crowd unintentionally while shopping.
I went back to the hotel myself w/o him whereas he was searching for me for hours.
Usually I will know my way back to the hotel, I don't really rely much on my hub for directions.
 

vios

New Member
i agree with Kenturik on the responsibility portion, and i would like to add that it's Accountability as well. nope, it is not an MCP thought at all.

Sm & Milo - yes it might be safe for a tourist in that popular shopping mall but still, i will never take Safety for granted on a foreign land, esp. for/with female companions.

and SK39's anxieties were very very understandable, not at all drama nor "motherly".
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi,

I can't really explain but I have "telepathic" connections with my hubby. We can always find each other no matter how big the place.

We can find each other when we play hide and seek in Lotte World Korea. Not once. It's twice in fact. Just amazing.

Nowsaday, with 2 kids, in order to save time, we will say meet in a certain place, not specific area and we can still find each other.

But of course we have our handphones as backup to call each other just in case. But we rarely have to use the phone.
 

vios

New Member
wa lau, hide and seek again? at Lotte world somemore?? did you or hubby use the PA system???

must be damn fun.
 


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