U r absolute right. Divorce is good for unhappy marriage based on valid reason. Dirvorce based on adultery is not. How are the adulterous parent going to answer to his/her children? How are the children going to answer their relative/friends about his/her parent extra martial affiars? Commting adultery is a selfish act to fullfil personal excitment and needs at the expense of putting his/her family in a disgrace spot.
Divorce Matters
- Thread starter sci10270
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miloice
Well-Known Member
"Divorce based on adultery is not."
There are many factors to lead to a breakdown of a marriage. Often, one only see adultery as the cause without realizing it that most of the time, it is only one of the outcome of the prolong non functional marriage. Unbalanced emotional and physical needs would lead to one being more vunerable to falling into temptations. For sure, that are serial sex addicts and cheaters out there. But, many people that get stuck in messy affairs and broken marriages do not necessarily fall in this category at all. I'm addressing abt this grp that are often and by default labelled as the villian. The spouse that didn't have the affair conveniently take on an innocent victim role. This is hardly the case for so many situations.
There isn't a simple blanket categorizing. No one else could really judge. Mostly, the couples themselves fail to look at it rationally themselves. What more outsiders without any context understanding? I was pretty much thinking like you some 20 yrs back when I punished and hated my dad. The shade of grey is broader than we mostly think. Ww are quick to make a call that it is white or black.
Another point :
the assumption that individuals involved in affairs are somehow immoral and those that didn't are somehow higher in their morals is such a shallow mentality. Some of those involved are tormented by their own morals and guilt for long time as they struggle with themselves. Anyone could fall into temptation, we have unique flaws and weaknesses and are exposed to different situation. So, get off that high pedestal to judge simply by who start an affair.
There are many factors to lead to a breakdown of a marriage. Often, one only see adultery as the cause without realizing it that most of the time, it is only one of the outcome of the prolong non functional marriage. Unbalanced emotional and physical needs would lead to one being more vunerable to falling into temptations. For sure, that are serial sex addicts and cheaters out there. But, many people that get stuck in messy affairs and broken marriages do not necessarily fall in this category at all. I'm addressing abt this grp that are often and by default labelled as the villian. The spouse that didn't have the affair conveniently take on an innocent victim role. This is hardly the case for so many situations.
There isn't a simple blanket categorizing. No one else could really judge. Mostly, the couples themselves fail to look at it rationally themselves. What more outsiders without any context understanding? I was pretty much thinking like you some 20 yrs back when I punished and hated my dad. The shade of grey is broader than we mostly think. Ww are quick to make a call that it is white or black.
Another point :
the assumption that individuals involved in affairs are somehow immoral and those that didn't are somehow higher in their morals is such a shallow mentality. Some of those involved are tormented by their own morals and guilt for long time as they struggle with themselves. Anyone could fall into temptation, we have unique flaws and weaknesses and are exposed to different situation. So, get off that high pedestal to judge simply by who start an affair.
susanna_low
New Member
sm, when I m at work, my mum will help to look after her. I do salute working/single parents who have to take care of their children too.
Currently, I am still adapting to get used to take care of my gal 24/7 as we just relocated overseas.
As for my gal, I need alot of effort to ask her to do basic things like brush teeth, bath, study, do homework. She doesn't follow instructions and her eyeball will be stuck on the TV. When I switch off the tv, she will throw big tantrums and I gotta resort to cane which I find not working after a while.
When I bring her to her enrichment class, she threw tantrums again and I have to bring her home in order not to affect the class. She's v stubborn and when I talk to her, she will pretend not to hear when she don't feel like it. Her dad n I have been repeating n repeating to her like a broken recorder and both of us agreed that caning is not going to work.
Parenting is a lifelong learning process and I am still learning to be a mother, gotta buck up..I do admit that I have neglected her while in SG.
I do admire parent like with you who singlehandedly bought up 3 children, u hv any good parenting tips to share?
Currently, I am still adapting to get used to take care of my gal 24/7 as we just relocated overseas.
As for my gal, I need alot of effort to ask her to do basic things like brush teeth, bath, study, do homework. She doesn't follow instructions and her eyeball will be stuck on the TV. When I switch off the tv, she will throw big tantrums and I gotta resort to cane which I find not working after a while.
When I bring her to her enrichment class, she threw tantrums again and I have to bring her home in order not to affect the class. She's v stubborn and when I talk to her, she will pretend not to hear when she don't feel like it. Her dad n I have been repeating n repeating to her like a broken recorder and both of us agreed that caning is not going to work.
Parenting is a lifelong learning process and I am still learning to be a mother, gotta buck up..I do admit that I have neglected her while in SG.
I do admire parent like with you who singlehandedly bought up 3 children, u hv any good parenting tips to share?
infojunkie
Active Member
"How are the adulterous parent going to answer to his/her children? How are the children going to answer their relative/friends about his/her parent extra martial affiars?"
mom and dad r more than just parents...
they hv more than one role to play.
mom/dad is someone else's daughter/son, sister/brother, wife/husband, friend, colleague, enemy, jinx, punch bag, etc., etc.
And mom/dad can oso be someone else's lover, in an extramarital affair... for hard-core moralists like u, simply "adulterer"
anyway, we just hope we could juggle all the roles well as we continue to live our little lives. but if we fail, it's only natural cos we r human. and to err is human
parents should not create this idealized image of themselves and life for their kids to see...
so that kids won't get hit too hard by the revelation if they ever falter.
mom and dad r more than just parents...
they hv more than one role to play.
mom/dad is someone else's daughter/son, sister/brother, wife/husband, friend, colleague, enemy, jinx, punch bag, etc., etc.
And mom/dad can oso be someone else's lover, in an extramarital affair... for hard-core moralists like u, simply "adulterer"
anyway, we just hope we could juggle all the roles well as we continue to live our little lives. but if we fail, it's only natural cos we r human. and to err is human
parents should not create this idealized image of themselves and life for their kids to see...
so that kids won't get hit too hard by the revelation if they ever falter.
infojunkie
Active Member
well, a fake moralist with a closed-mind can never understand
miloice
Well-Known Member
its not really just different... naive frankly. very unrealistic. As mentioned, I used to have such strong opinions myself. But, life has made me realize and open my eyes to more than my own values.
Our values are best applied to no one else than ourselves. If everyone goes around with their own values to condemn others, everyone will be condemned. Its really pointless to hold on the need to label others as such. Learn to give others the benefit of the doubt and not judge them. Accept that we don't have the world figured out and no one owes us a living to comply to our personal morals.
While you pride yourself from being 'different', learn to accept and respect diversity as well. That intolerance of diversity reflects upon the individual.
Our values are best applied to no one else than ourselves. If everyone goes around with their own values to condemn others, everyone will be condemned. Its really pointless to hold on the need to label others as such. Learn to give others the benefit of the doubt and not judge them. Accept that we don't have the world figured out and no one owes us a living to comply to our personal morals.
While you pride yourself from being 'different', learn to accept and respect diversity as well. That intolerance of diversity reflects upon the individual.
You can keeping justifying the wrongdoing of the adulterous person. You cannot deny the truth that due to his/her selfish act, it has broken many marriages, hurt many people, kill the faith and soul of the marriage and driving many innocent children and spouse into painful depression and pessimistic sucide thoughts!
Put yourself in the shoe of the other parties before you give excuses.
It is true that to err is human. Keeping justifying and gives execuse is for your wrongdoing is not. A responsible person will admit his/her wrongdoing and repent. That where Respect is gain.
Put yourself in the shoe of the other parties before you give excuses.
It is true that to err is human. Keeping justifying and gives execuse is for your wrongdoing is not. A responsible person will admit his/her wrongdoing and repent. That where Respect is gain.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Where is the justifying? What a joke. the mind is closed.
Did anyone even said it was right?
Moralist, reflect instead of asking others to repent. there is no repentance without the realization of ones mistakes and issues.
Do you not realize you are already taking the assumption I am giving excuse? For what? clearly showing the point I am addressing here. The inability and unwillingness to see beyond your personal moral stand.
Did anyone even said it was right?
Moralist, reflect instead of asking others to repent. there is no repentance without the realization of ones mistakes and issues.
Do you not realize you are already taking the assumption I am giving excuse? For what? clearly showing the point I am addressing here. The inability and unwillingness to see beyond your personal moral stand.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Asking you to look at things entirely instead of going on one deed.especially when its not even your own.you are dishing out condemnations on people and situations basing only on one fact.your only focus is what you think is right.you forget that no one else even needs your agreement.
infojunkie
Active Member
"A responsible person will admit his/her wrongdoing and repent. That where Respect is gain"
fine. dun give them respect...
if that can make ppl like u happier, why not?
won't hurt them one bit.
fine. dun give them respect...
if that can make ppl like u happier, why not?
won't hurt them one bit.
Ting Yi,
I am not a typical parent. I myself don't believe in a lot of parenting rules. I use common sense and try to think in the shoes of the child.
My youngest daughter as well - has to be reminded to do homework. Glues to the TV. The difference is that when I switch off the TV - she don't throw tantrum. But that is because from young, I taught her that throwing tantrum won't get her anything.
When she was younger like from 2+ onwards, when she threw tantrums, I would put her in a corner and ignore her. So she learned that throwing tantrums would mean this treatment.
So now for my youngest daughter, I sent her to student care - I pay for people to supervise her in her homework. She will do her work when being supervised.
If you don't allow your children to watch TV - don't watch yourself. Like at times, switch off the TV and read a book with her. Don't ban her from watching and you yourself set glued to Korean dramas.
I must say, they learn much better when they are younger. The older they are, the harder to teach. So if you have neglected her in the past, you will need to work doubly hard.
I am not a typical parent. I myself don't believe in a lot of parenting rules. I use common sense and try to think in the shoes of the child.
My youngest daughter as well - has to be reminded to do homework. Glues to the TV. The difference is that when I switch off the TV - she don't throw tantrum. But that is because from young, I taught her that throwing tantrum won't get her anything.
When she was younger like from 2+ onwards, when she threw tantrums, I would put her in a corner and ignore her. So she learned that throwing tantrums would mean this treatment.
So now for my youngest daughter, I sent her to student care - I pay for people to supervise her in her homework. She will do her work when being supervised.
If you don't allow your children to watch TV - don't watch yourself. Like at times, switch off the TV and read a book with her. Don't ban her from watching and you yourself set glued to Korean dramas.
I must say, they learn much better when they are younger. The older they are, the harder to teach. So if you have neglected her in the past, you will need to work doubly hard.
susanna_low
New Member
So if you have neglected her in the past, you will need to work doubly hard
I do admit that I m guilt of that and I m feeling it now.
Tks great dad of 3 for your advise, will be working hard on it
I do admit that I m guilt of that and I m feeling it now.
Tks great dad of 3 for your advise, will be working hard on it
hi all...need advice regarding separation.
we need to physically stay apart for 3 years to divorce with consent. this 3 years...start from when? the moment we sleep on different beds? I read somewhere we could live in same house but different rooms and its considered separation. is this true?
the 3 years have to start from that point? how would the court know coz it will be our verbal reporting right?
i read somewhere about back-dating the separation date. in what circumstances can we backdate? to when? to when we got married?
i'm married for 4 years now and I'm thinking of divorcing my husband. duno if i can tong if i have to wait or waste another 3 years at least. 4 if hes not consenting.
pls advice
we need to physically stay apart for 3 years to divorce with consent. this 3 years...start from when? the moment we sleep on different beds? I read somewhere we could live in same house but different rooms and its considered separation. is this true?
the 3 years have to start from that point? how would the court know coz it will be our verbal reporting right?
i read somewhere about back-dating the separation date. in what circumstances can we backdate? to when? to when we got married?
i'm married for 4 years now and I'm thinking of divorcing my husband. duno if i can tong if i have to wait or waste another 3 years at least. 4 if hes not consenting.
pls advice
