Dilemma between mom and fiance

ynneh

New Member
hi all,

i am getting married next year. initial plan was after married we will be staying at his parents house. but he changed his mind and would like to get a place for our own. personally i don't have any problem with staying at in law's place or buying our own house, so i agreed to his decision.

when i let my mom know that we are planning to get our own house, she told me she would like follow me after i got married. my parents has been divorced for many years, dad has since remarried, mom remains single. i would be the happiest person if i can take care of my mom until old age, but i doubt my fiance would. he is a very reserved person, he likes to have his own place, his own space.

the original arrangement for my mom was she will be staying with my sister's family but actually she would like to stay with me bcos she feels i love her more than my sister to her.

currently my mom is staying at another country alone. she is already 67 years old, she's very healthy and active. i just brought her for full medical check up and the result is very good. despite that, me and my sis are worried if she continues to live alone in another country. so, we want her to come here to stay with my sister.

firstly, i have not asked my fiance what does he think if my mom stay with us. secondly, if my fiance refused, what should i do? i have told mom that my fiance might not agree to this, she was very sad to hear that.

the reason why i dare not to bring up this matter to my fiance because i dare not to face the reality. i have a feeling he will not agree. i love my mom & my fiance, i don't want to let them down. but is it possible? do i have to choose between them?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
ynneh,

instead of a permanent arrangement, maybe you can talk to your husband about inviting parents over for short stay of a few months each time. Be it his or your folks. I think its easier to adjust if its a temporarily thing. From there, u guys would have a better idea if its really a good idea to invite the folks to live in with u in the permanent basis.
 

sha82

New Member
u sound like a very sweet girl... milo's suggestion is pretty good...
maybe you cld suggest to your fiancee that your mom stay 6 mths with u and 6 mths with your sis? maybe your fiancee will be more agreeable to that? also, any possibility of getting your mom a separate apartment really close to you? I know this wld end up being more pricey an arrangement but just a thought if you can afford it....
u shld look for a good time and speak to your fiancee about this soon.. don't tell your mom anything further about how your fiancee might not agree until you have spoken to your fiancee... no point your mom get hurt by that when for all you know your fiancee might just have no problem with the arrangement.... good luck!!
 

powderful07

New Member
You see what's the problem with you GALS?

You haven't even ASKED your hubby and here you are with your feelings and imagination running wild on all the worst case scenarios...

Seriously...go ask your hubby first, explain to him nicely why you would like your mum to stay with you and set down some ground rules...
If he's NOT agreeable...then come back here again...


Why worry over this issue when you're not even sure if your hubby is going to react negatively?
Case of worrying over nothing???
 

sha82

New Member
actually powderful, i kind of know where ynneh is coming from.. she probably knows her fiancee really well and is likely to already be very certain that he will not be happy about her mom moving in with them... she is not asking him because she is not ready to hear that from him yet... she prob wants to ask bt the fear of a firm 'no' is making her worry and not ask... its natural sometimes to delay the ultimate... i am sure she will speak to him once she gathers the courage to hear a 'no' i guess in the meantime she is here to get our views on other alternatives where she can keep both mom and fiancee happy.. maybe our views and ideas might give her the courage to bring it up with her fiancee coz maybe she has other alternatives by then so a 'no' wont be as painful...
 

powderful07

New Member
Sha82

I understand your point.
I guess you're right in that sense...on the fact that she might want to source for advice if things turn negative...

My take is from a guy's POW...I feel that sometimes gal worry too much over things that might not even exist...

So fair enough...it's good to understand what are the viable alternatives available...
But she still needs to FACE reality and not procastinate on getting an answer from the hubby...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
well... my 2 cents.

its not about gathering the courage but rather consolidating and sorting out her ideas to discuss it in a manner that would more likely be acceptable and receiptive by her husband.

Main point, speak of her views and concerns with intention to discuss. Be careful not to come to a decision and force them to our partners. All of us unconscientiously do it even if we may do not have the intend to at all. That's when we get on the nerves of our dear partners.
 

sha82

New Member
agree completely with milo... and powderful u r right.. she definitely should speak to him soon and not procastinate too much.. n i guess your point of many gals (not all girls) worrying too much on non-issues definitely does hold some truth... i am such a person myself!
happy.gif
drives my hubby mad sometimes!
 

powderful07

New Member
Haha...no problem...
I feel that acknowledging one's flaws is already a good starting point...it's kinda cute from a guy's point of view that a gal admits a flaw but yet she does it sometimes...it make us mad but our MCP instincts kicked in and we'll "try" to help you overcome them...:p

And dont get offended by my ALL GALS comments...It's just meant to provoke a response...Glad you can take it positively...unlike SOME gals here who can't stand up to argument...
 

sha82

New Member
hahah powderful.. thanks for that!

i have actually been hovering around this forum for more than a year and only write in where i feel i can relate to something strongly... there do seem to be an increasing number of 'wars' within threads nowadays.. i guess ppl can get a little sensitive and touchy.. u def seem to enjoy 'provoking' ppl sometimes.. hahahah... ;)bt i agree with you that if someone does not agree, they shld voice it out maturely and clearly and not simply get defensive and pissed off...
ur the tofu guy right? what happened to that.. have not seen that lately? changed to cute biscuits or something? hahha.. love readin gon this forum ....
 

powderful07

New Member
Wah lau eh, you can recall my tofu days arh...that was like ages ago...now we have moved on to cute biscuit...It's the food-of-choice right now...in memory of the childish approach on how some people approach problems in their life...

I'm all for a good debate and all that; especially when it comes to serious issues...if you can point out the flaws in my reasoning and articulate your comments well...I can accept that...and I'll hold my hand up and admit you have your points....

But if you sprout nonsense and expect me to take you seriously...well, it aint going to happen...then I'll tell you how I feel about your response...I can be a pain-in-the-arse sometimes in my replies; but I'm not the kind that beat around the bush...if you're stupid, I'll say you're stupid...and not "Not intelligent" just so that I don't hurt your feelings...

And if people here can't accept my usage of colorful language...well...too bad again...I don't really give a shit anyway...

Life's already so full of pressure...if I can't even be myself in this forum; then what's the point?

I hope you've enjoyed my posts so far...:p
 

sha82

New Member
yeah after reading silently for so long i feel like i almost know some of you!! haha... I def enjoy reading your comments ... more so coz i tend to agree with you most of the time.. i am generally someone who wld take the 'soft approach'.. thats just me... but we need ppl who are direct in this world... many-a-times thts what wakes ppl up... .. your approach may be harsh at times but i am def sure it helps ppl see things the way thy are and not all wrapped up in rose petals..
but yeah i used to really enjoy seeing u throw tofu at ppl.. coz it just expressed the level of frustration at ppl's comments.. hahaha... keep up the valuable as well as entertaining posts...
 

powderful07

New Member
Haha...

The thing to note is that you need to take my comments with a pinch of salt sometimes...

I do admit that my posts do gets emotional sometimes and it does gets on some people's nerves who are not used to it or who don't know me well...You just need to remember that my bark is worse than my bite...I just "sound" mean...but I'm not really THAT bad once you get to know me and I'm quite a nice and fun guy in person (cue: plenty of eyes rolling from the "huggies and smilies" gang)...Just ask some of those idiots in the singles thread...

Hmmm..."wrapped in rose petals" eh...I could use that sometimes...Don't mind if I borrow that phrase once in a while?
 

powder

Active Member
it's a tough choice between ideals and responsibility...

honestly i would have loved to live the high life in a studio condo when i was a bachelor, u know? the privacy, the freedom... but i guess it wasn't easy to move out and leave my widowed mum by herself... i felt tat psychologically, she might deteriorate without my presence... so it's Ideals of living that bachelor life, versus being a responsible fillial son who is around.

Tough choice! no right no wrong... of cos no harm if i did the stay alone thing for a year, then return to the fold... perhaps tat would be best. but then sometimes abit hard also lah... the Asian-ness in me sorta tells me it's wrong. yet the bachelor in me tells me it's Right to wanna live for myself...

though tat's my old bachelor story, i think it's pretty relevant to the struggle within. of cos it's Much tougher when it's a decision of 2, where both may have differing ideas... But as a couple who are gonna share a life together - it's a topic that has to be explored sooner or later, the earlier u start, the more beneficial it is for your planned life together.
 

latino

New Member
side track a little here. my apologies to the TS. while i roll my eyes when i read powderful's post at 6.36pm, many a times, i feel powderful has been misunderstood.

although his posts are usually very sarcastic, most of the time it hit the nail on the head. yes, it's true, not many ppl can accept his comments, but never take to heart what he writes. a spade is a spade and he seldom praises. but when he does, he really mean it. he is actually a barking dog and quite harmless la!! woof woof!!

and i am one of those idiots. wah lau eh, you are one of the idiots too lor !! hng!
 

katespader

New Member
Hi, i think that u should have a good talk with your bf. he should be able to understand yr concerns of staying with your mother. She is quite old and mostly importantly staying alone. She should be able to enjoy some family time with her children everyday. I think it will nt be selfish on yr side to request your mum to stay with you ;p
 

sha82

New Member
hahahha.. sure powderful u can use that phrase anytime...
happy.gif

I agree with Latino that your posts often hit the nail on the head.. which is why this time when i didnt agree with you (hardly the case) I actually wrote in.. again something I almost never do.. bt this is actually more fun than being a silent reader!!
happy.gif
 

powderful07

New Member
Sha82,

You see what I mean...
If you can talk nicely and sensibly; I can be reasonable and nice rite?

So let it be know to all those people out there that I don't behave like an arse all the time (most of the time maybe...but NOT ALL)
 

salsa_babe

New Member
come on, come on. After being friends for 2 years...you start calling your 'regulars' idiots?

How rude! You just need to feel better issit?

powderful is a pain in the arse....most of the times...
 

latino

New Member
hahaha come la. who scared who! think we need to change this thread to "Bashing Powderful". errr, better give this thread back to the TS.
 

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