New Member
I thought I have found the one after knowing him for coming 6 years.

HTB this year end, he was loving, caring, understanding and everything looks just perfect to me.

When recently I get to know what he actually did behind my back. for the past years he actually sweet talk to gals on msn (quite a number) and lied that he has no gf to all of them - according to evidence it is dated in 2005, 2006, 2007 etc.)

According to the evidence I have - he is trying to fish for gals. (I feel that if he can find a better gal he will left me for sure)

He always says he loves me and do everything for my own good. But then is this how I should be treated? I didn't do anything wrong nor did I do something evil to hurt him. I'm always there for him when he is up or down.

I spent my weekends over at his house to help him tidy his room, clothes and even in the middle of the night when I was so tired, I still make food for him to eat (baking fish fingers, noodles steaming buns etc...) when he tell me he is hungry.

My parents actually dun allow me to stay over at his place but becoz I wanna help him save petrol and cab fares from travelling North-East to West.

Year 2006 - (my birthday is approaching) he ask one of his gal fren, where can I buy cheap cakes near west? when the gal ask him for who - He got the cheek to say for his gd fren's gf (I was like - JIAN BU DE GUANG)

According to the evidence I have, he has been flirting around in msn without my presence.
(I feel so heartbroken and I have been crying since the day I know the truth just this week)

I feel such a failure, I think somewhere is wrong with me thats why things like that happen on me. I'm really at a lost coz up till now I cannot believe he did this to me.

Best in his friendster, I didn't know he was 20 YEARS OLD now. and he has been adding alot of cute little gals in his frienster. (I caught him and I told him NOT TO ADD ANYMORE before end of March 09) But he still continue (Treating me like transparent) (Well he told me he was betting a meal with one of his friend - should I believe it or not)

He always tell me be careful dun anyhow talk to guys on friendster and on msn they are all bad ones only I (HTB) is the good one and true to me.(I feel like slapping him.)

I dunno what I should do now?
I feel like confronting asap but I cannot tell him now coz he has projects to hand in this week.
(See I still have to think for him - as I dun wan to distract his work and studies)

Should I just flare up or I still have to talk nicely to him?

Is his actions unforgivable?
Should I give him a chance?


New Member
Erm.. what about leaving him??

Why waste anymore time on someone who doesn't know how to cherish you? Is lip service sufficient for you?

Trust me, he loves himself more than he loves you.


New Member
Depends on how deep is ur love for him.

If it is, then have a nice talk with him first and see what can be salvaged from this situation.

imho, this is not a very big issue, certainly nothing comparing to gambling, violence, womanising openly etc.


New Member
Y r u being so considerate to him, go ahead and confront him abt it, after the confrontation, either he beg u to forgive him or he agree to break off wif u. If he beg to come back, high chance, he will do it again but this time he'll be more careful and will lead to more. If he agree to break off wif u, its good riddance to bad rubbish.


Active Member
"imho, this is not a very big issue, certainly nothing comparing to gambling, violence, womanising openly etc."

A lesser evil is still evil.


New Member
doll, I agree, it's still evil, but not to the extent of 'heinous crime' category. Guess it all depends on individual's threshold limit.


Active Member
sounds like u are doing all these nice things to justify yourself to be his gfren or wife...

if i had to do so many things to be a husband, then i think the gfren is not worth my time.

it's not how much u do... it never is... like that the lousiest guy, by doing alot, can be in a relationship with jolin tsai???


Active Member
just to add... in this modern era, all these cooking for him, staying over, etc etc stuff... these aren't qualities that are appreciated as much as u think they are... they just cheapen u and make u seem desperate... it's a fine line between being virtuous and understanding... and being desperately clinging on. so pls be careful...

it's like a guy making nice little greeting cards, writing poems and dedications to the girl, fetching her from work, giving her bday surprises and gifts etc...

ask yourself if that Really works for u to actually stay interested in a guy... seriously they dun work in this modern era.

although a majority of girls would like these little thoughts... they expect these actions from a Specific guy whom they Already Chose. they want the guy They CHOSE to do these things... and they didn't choose this guy becos he DID these things...

but most girls will prob have this male fren who will climb mountains for them... the 'nice guy' type who will run errands and favours for them... does this nice guy get a chance? nope - not a chance. they would still pick the bad guy and expect the bad guy to do the 'nice guy' work.

so please... be logical... it's highly unlikely for u to be a chosen partner simply becos u did all these wifey/nice things... if he loves u, u dun even need to do that much. pls dun sacrifice expecting rewards of love... that's so redundant... it's just one of those romantic thoughts circulating in most pple's head that they would be rewarded for their sacrifices in love... most times they crash back to the ground.


New Member
just dump him off ..

its a very norm thing for girls to think what they have done and what should they deserve back but it really doesnt work that way as mentioned above.

a sweet mouth always lead to diabetics which is the slowest way of death penalty.

what for stay with this type of shallow 20 year old brain guy


Well-Known Member
"although a majority of girls would like these little thoughts... they expect these actions from a Specific guy whom they Already Chose. they want the guy They CHOSE to do these things... and they didn't choose this guy becos he DID these things... "

agree on that.
to add to it, a relationship isn't about doing things to prove and win the love. We don't pamper our partners to gain something.

Anyway, this guy sure resembles Mr Conrad Tham (sunbean).


Active Member
Well at least its a good news that he is you HTB and not your HB. If not there is much more issues to face with. Not just social mgt but also assets mgt.

2 cents


say if a million people come in and write that you should leave/stay, you would?? what are you, an automoton? why would anyone make life-changing decisions based on the opinions of total strangers on a bulletin board??


this is my take - you don't really want to leave him. but the pain of betrayal is strong enough that you need reasons to stay. so if enough folks tell you it's ok, you can go on living your lie, philosophizing about sufferings and the injustice of it all.


Active Member

that's very astute and wise... there's overwhelming wisdom in what u said... very concise and u must be so well-received that something so short would have such a heavy impact in the whole thread.


New Member
you all don't like that lah....
Nokia is giving an advice that would suit all kind of situation, simply because....

WE guys have dicks...
Married or not, WE guys only use our dicks to think and make decisions...
So, bow to the power of dicks...

Nokia, don't ever choose to marry a person with a dick hor... they all look quite the same.
Take care!


Active Member
"Nokia, don't ever choose to marry a person with a dick hor... they all look quite the same."

LOL! If true, so sad.


Active Member
There is another interpretation to Nokia's wisdom! No wonder some girls end up being with crappy guys and cannot plus do not want to let go since all guys are the same as their current partner.


New Member
back to threadstarter,

maybe to the extent of over-pleasing, he has been assuring you that he loves you that prob gives you the idea he has been loving, understanding and caring. (or maybe, you ought to elaborate this part more.)

Anyway, guys in general don't just rely on words to virtually say 'i love you'... u get what i mean?
Certain actions just speak louder than words.

But we shouldn't do stuffs, like some Justifications of love.
I do think it comes naturally, but not with an Expectation on a favourable response from our own partner.

So, you gotta draw a line between all THAT and his constant online-flirting which might actually be a problem here.

Strange that you are asking us whether should converse with him in a harsh or nice tone, because we all operate differently in different situations.

Use one to suit your style of Word Expression which can get to him...
being Nice is not necessarily soft and giving-in, whereas being Harsh is not necessarily a heated confrontation.

And of course, you do need to talk to him sometime soon, if you're still thinking about that.


New Member
IMO, the only yardstick if anyone is doing something wrong/unethical: Will u be doing what u're doing if your gf/bf is standing next to u??

If u won't, then it's clearly wrong. There isn't a 'measure' of how wrong it is. It just is. For this reason, I disagree TOTALLY with what Thomas is saying. what your HTB did and is doing is womanizing. If anything, it's even worse than "openly womanizing" because he did it behind your back and is intent on deceiving u.

What is 6 years compared to your lifetime of happiness? Be thankful u haven't married him. If he can do it and still continue to do it after u found out recently, he WILL continue to do it... despite anything he says. I'll bet my bottom last dollar.

Puh-leaze, don't waste your time with such a guy. U deserve more.


Well-Known Member
i would disagree.

It really depends WHY u won't want to share it with your partner. There are things that we are just not comfortable to share or we know our spouses are unable to handle. That doesn't mean we think its wrong or unethical.

There is no yardstick, rather, as couples, they need to align and work things out together. Communicate on their views, values and understand the boundaries. Not condemn each other using their personal beliefs and moral views.


New Member
for some, prefer to watch porn alone....
for some, prefer to poo behind closed doors....

the difference between the two is obviously the 'act', but the similarity is the comfort level.

the so-called yardstick is similar to digging up a conversation between partner-friend because of one's curiousity...
it's also like trying to force a certain past story out of the partner's throat, but unable to accept...

and then he/she is judged to be clearly wrong or has something to hide if he/she refuses to say.
Well, this is crap.

it's always things like these that one do require the sense to measure the situation, according to the cirumstances.
btw, this is adding on Milo's replies to Kat...


New Member
Dear all,

Thanks for every comments here.

Actually, I mean he's loving, caring and understanding becoz what he did to me touches deep inside my heart. For instance, when I'm sick, he will come all the way down just to bring me see doctor and buy food which will have gd appetite for patients, when he's free during the weekdays he will try to fork out some time to fetch me home (in the night) and bring me to dinner. (To me he's really a nice guy hard to come by)

He can do all sorts of small minor things to touch my heart.

He does have alot of good points that I have to admit and I cannot just justify on what he did to condemn him. (I cannot just sentence him to death without giving him a chance to explain - to be equally fair)

So I will find a chance to speak to him soon.


in my world, it is common for a guy to see his gf home or to visit her when she is ill. if you consider such a guy a rare find, i don't want to know your definition of a bad partner.

not saying you should turn into a calculative shrew, but i suspect you have some issues with self esteem. you are not fat are you?


New Member
heartbroken gal,

It's great to know of the wonderful things you've done for him. But it's obvious. He does not love you or cherish you.

As a gal, you will get emotional. You will think of all the nice points about him despite what he has done. And many women like you in the end suffer from their "emotional innocence".

I can tell you, guys have the superb ability to be nice to a girl whom he is supposedly going steady with , and they can whisper lots of ILYs into your ears. Yet, at the same time, they feel little guilt in seeing other women. The idea is to derive multiple sources of gratification, or in your case perhaps (I hope not), to tell you later "Sorry, I found someone else (better)", or "We are not meant for each other".

You are just a "safeguard" partner for him now. If this fact still can't sink in you, or much to your protests perhaps, I have to be brutal and say this: You are nothing special to him.


Well-Known Member
one has to be practical. sweet things we do to pamper our partners are nice. but, if the reason why she choose me is simply what i do, then its worrying. there could be more than one person that treats us nice. but do we marry or get into a relationship with each one of them? time to really reflect and discover what u really want and need. and also what u dun want and cannot tolerate.


New Member
Sit down and talk it out. Whether is it a guy or gal, they will tend to get more emotional for the one that love one more than the other. It is good thing that u are not married and no kids and u still can choose. No one can tell u stay or go. Cos if 100 people ask u to go but u insist to stay cos u love him so much that u can't leave him. Everything is ur choice. Make ur choice wisely. Once u make and sign the papers, u must do everything willingly.


Active Member
If I am sick, I just want to be left alone to nurse my sickness in my bed instead of getting up to entertain someone. Some text messages to show concern is good enough.


New Member
"For instance, when I'm sick, he will come all the way down just to bring me see doctor and buy food which will have gd appetite for patients, when he's free during the weekdays he will try to fork out some time to fetch me home (in the night) and bring me to dinner."

Ain't these what we are to expect from each other when available/necessary? So, I dun really look at them as being nice or rare..

And I agree with Milo, that it's more than just the things that we do for each other that we should consider b4 marrying that person.

Y would he be fishing ard for other gals if he's not looking for someone 'better' than you? Would u?

But hey, if you wanna play the role of the gf till he finds someone else, by all means. It's your life, your choice. If you have to learn your lesson the hard way then so be it. We could only offer our advice with a 3rd party's perspective.
No, we aren't easy. We have been socially conditioned to give more of ourselves than men. It better to know now than 5 years down the road after you have wedded. Behavior like this rarely if ever change.


Well-Known Member
"We have been socially conditioned to give more of ourselves than men."

I beg to differ. Socially, men are also conditioned to give in different ways. But not necessarily any lesser. But, this is natural, we count and quantify what we want to only. Therefore, when one makes such comparison, they are always the giving party and victim.
"For instance, when I'm sick, he will come all the way down just to bring me see doctor and buy food which will have gd appetite for patients, when he's free during the weekdays he will try to fork out some time to fetch me home (in the night) and bring me to dinner."

What if the guy is doing these 'sweet' things to Heartbroken & ALSO other cute little gals on his friendster?

Still a nice bf to Heartbroken right lol?


New Member
I think in marriage sometimes really have to close on eyes..For Heartbroken, if you still then talk to him and see if he is willing to change..if you cannot take it and feel he nvr change then reconsider if you wanna marry him..

I noe my hb have msn habits before marriage oso add girls to friendster etc..when confronted he say he wont do it again..I trusted him..but during my confinement..i explore his pc and saw all these saved msn..all conversations with girls..including sex..i broke down and confronted him..he even denied and flare at me..until i threatened to leave and took bb with me then he apologised..for the sake of my bb,i forgive and try to forgot it..but i know till now,he still does this behind my back..luckily,these are non local i just close one eye..


New Member
Omg, im so sorry for you, pls get lots of support from friends and family, i am sure people who loves you and care for you will definitely not want to see you being hurt by such person!


New Member
Hi heartbroken,

For married guys who are overly attentive to your every needs and how you feel and you are NOT his wife. Pls stay clear. They are either, having problems with the wife at home and is trying to find comfort elsewhere or they are just taking you for a ride.

And in your case, you are not even married yet. Can you imagine life after marriage. Do not think that it will change him then, if he is not even respecting you now. It will not happen.
Had an ex colleague, he was married but he had ‘ msn flings’ witth other gals.. and was found out by his wife. In this end, it was concluded with a divorce and apparently, there were already history of this before they actually got married. So……do think over carefully.

In matters of the heart, most of the time, your heart will overule your logical mind which I can understand, but do think of your future and how you will want to lead your marriage life. Hopefully you will be able to see the light and let your head do some of the logical thinking.

Good luck.


New Member
Hi Heartbroken_Gal,

Just to share with you, i ever had "hateful man 1 and hateful man 2" in my life that happened concurrently in my life.

Hateful man 1 is someone i gotta know from friendster and i seriously suspected he cheated on me for the period of 10 mths in our relationship so i broke off with him to find comfort in hateful man 2.

Hateful man 2 was more than worse when he actually cheated with a fellow colleague while persuading me to love him more each day. And i gotta know it from that colleague herself.

Now, i am attached to my HTB and i think he is the right one for me. See, once the worst had happened to you, you will find the right one. Its kinda like rainbow after the rain.

For me,i also stayed over at my HTB place every weekend but i do not clean his super dirty room for him. For any cleaning stuffs, I will force him to clean it immediately in front of me. He knew that i do housework at home but i will not spoil him by doing everything for him.

You see, guys will be ever supportive to you because you are his woman. They can be supportive to any other woman as well even if they are the number 2 or number 3 woman in their current relationship.

Honestly, i had never been in a very long relationship except for my current one. To me, relationship are ought to be "killed" once the smell of "fish" surfaced. Trust maybe built by a long period of time and broken by a tiny lil thing. Once its broken, its hard to get back to its original trust level.

It may be painful to make certain decision when it come to matter of heart. Be sure that you had think it through and good luck to you.


New Member
He's stuffed. Marriage is for life. Trust and respect is highly required. Think about it again. Does he truly earn/worth your respect, trust and love? All the best.


New Member
I've dated such a guy for 7 years (sigh)...and I think that such guy is not to be trusted. You won't be able to get a sense of security from him and will always be wondering and suspecting if he's out with girls every time he's not within your sight.

This ex of mine had a trick of naming girls's hp number as guy's name so that when I see his phone log, I won't suspect. I only realised it when I saw a sms from a "guy" with the message "I miss you" and he admitted.

You are not married yet, so it's not too late for you to turn back. Think carefully if this is the sort of life you want in future.
hope u have found a solution to your probs heartbroken girl... my heart goes out to you... just remember that no matter what you do it's most impt that you're keeping yourself happy...


New Member
some girl like bad guy. if the girl change the bad man into good. the girl will feel special, loved, romeo and juliet story. girls like it when man change because of them. you know, nowadays girls like to control things, especially the man.


New Member
I think men sometimes do these things 'for the sake if it'.. they do not have intentions. When they drop flirty msgs to other girls.. say nice things and then get replies- they feel good. but thats it. its like watching porn i guess? heh..


Active Member
I agree with ilovegreen who said, "I think men sometimes do these things 'for the sake if it'.. they do not have intentions. When they drop flirty msgs to other girls.. say nice things and then get replies- they feel good. but thats it. its like watching porn i guess? heh.."

To tell the truth, I, too, chat with strangers online, lying about my marital status and stuff but it really doesn't mean anything. It also doesn't mean that when there's opportunity, I'll go to the greener grass. I guess I just need some attention (oh yes, despite my busy work and hectic lifestyle). And the funny part is, my hubby does know about it and he's totally cool about it because we both have mutual trust. Sometimes we laughed it off too when I asked him to chat with me online as if we're still dating and not staying together.

The fact that ur HTB lied about his age online also could mean that he'll never meet up with these gals because these potential targets are going to shun him when they realise he's not 20.

If my guess is true, I suggest you give him this little space and pretend you do not know anything about it...especially if he still treats you well and both of you have a fulfilling relationship.


New Member
I am new here but I would like to share my story.

I was attached to my first bf for abt 6 years. I would say he is really sweet to me all the while. When I was sick, he will come to my place to look after me and I do the same thing as Heartbrokengal for him - like ironing clohtes for him when he was in army, study with him when he was in uni although i am really tired (cos he has a test and he is not the hardworking kind) and making sure that he is well taken care of in uni while he was staying in hall.

Then there was this gal (A)whom he know through me and by some incidents, they added each other in icq. Days pass and things were great between me and him. Never did I realise that he and other gals have been chatting online thru icq every night and soon that gal (A) were chatting every night. Soon I graduated but he continued studying in uni.

One night, I went back to uni to visit him in hall and he was out for meeting. SO I stayed at his room but was so bored and started using his pc. Gal A icq him immediatelywhen she saw his status changed. She didn't know I was at the other end. But at that point, I kinda had the feeling that she likes him. I didn't check the chat history as I trusted my bf a lot. So when he was back, I told him that I sensed that the girl liked him and he brushed it aside, saying that it is not possible. We continued out r/s and he was still very sweet to me.

Soon his birthday was drawing near and we were still having fun shopping for his birthday pressie. But when the day came, he suggested a breakup even though I was having a high fever. Everything was so sudden!!

I couldn't believe it... I asked him why and he didn't dare to tell me.. However, in the end he told me that he slowly had feelings for that gal and she told him that she liked him a couple of nights ago. So the 2 of them started seeing each other and he felt really guilty when he faced me. That's why he still continue to be very nice to me while he figured if there is another way that will lead to least damages done to any one of us. But still he can't think of any. So he has to break the news to me and broke up with me. I was devastated.

I didn't choose to be blind.. but I choose to have trust in him. In the end, it failed me badly. I was so upset that I cried one month and affected my work performance too. In the end, I am happily attached 3 years later and I am soon getting married.

Heartbroken gal, some food for thought:
Since now you are still not married, you still have a chance to get someone who you deserve.

A person who tell you something and on the other hand, commit the crime is not someone who can be trusted. The case that he told you not to anyhow talk to guys on friendster and on msn they are all bad ones might be due to him knowing what are the intentions of the guys who go online to seek comfort and the worst thing is that he is one of them.

Think for yourself n trust your gut feel...