Hi guys,
It has been a little over 2 years since starting my first post here and I must say looking back, it has been quite a ride!
My divorce has finally been settled and officially, putting the past to rest. Closure somewhat felt like a graduation from University of Life.
Many has asked me time and time again about regrets and all, and my reply was and is still the same.. I've never regretted to be where I am now because without what I had gone through, I wouldn't have grown up. To be able to reflect more, self aware and to know where my goals are. Well, speaking of goals...
A common phrase I hear among couples. "Different goals, different mindset and therefore, we part.." Personally, I think everyone's goals are similar in many ways but in different copies and versions such that at the end of the day, we all want the best for ourselves. As individuals and as well as a couple. For some, better career, better future and to many, starting a family. But why there is this common phrase that couples have different goals and different mindset and therefore, relationships and marriages bound to fail? The only difference is and only in my opinion, at what age? Be it at the age of mentality, or the age literally. People or couples subconsciously perceive that these goals are close, far, a need, a must, important or not important. Example? Some people who perceive they have goals that are what they thought their goals are. But when it comes to putting it in action, procrastination and/or the lack of conviction (or reasons) sets in. And some, simply don't have goals and don't sing in tune with their other half who might be struggling to reach out to the goals. The ultimate word to describe what I think is the right term to use: "Maturity".
It is ironic that just a little less than a year ago, I met my current other half (or should I say ex now). I'm in my 30s and she is 7 years my junior. We got together shortly after couple of days after she broke up with her ex (I know this is going to open a can of words and debates later on). In retrospect, she had a bf for 7 years and well, bought a EC and later broke up for reasons I shall not reveal. I could vividly remember, first 3 to 6 months was rocky. From dealing with the sale of her EC to managing the aftermath of emotions and mental breakup. There was once she told me one night she messaged her ex and said "I miss you.." etc. There are a whole lot more for the readers here, you'll know that it is enough to end it back then. However, with words of "let's call it quits" coming from my mouth, my heart was telling me to stay on. If you follow this thread, you'll remember I once said and still is a personal philosophy of mine: "Love until it is absolutely hopeless..". And so I did, struggle and unfair but I did.
When about right after the half year mark, when the waters were calm for her, I realised there was a change. More often than not, she pays attention to the things surrounding herself. Her friends, her problems, her issues and her phone (Instagram, Facebook & Whatsapp). On many occasions, she said I wasn't open to her and not telling her stuff. But if you realised, she never given me a chance to or paid enough attention to want to know my stuff. Moreover, saying tired, using phone etc has become a barrier standing between us. Many talks regarding this just ended in a silent treatment from her or she gets frustrated and tells me she is stress or tired and discussion comes to a close. Metaphor? Sweeping problems under the carpet or so to speak. That also led me to feel even more frustrated, but I can only blame myself for this because I should have controlled my emotions better...
The different goals and different mindset has been a topic from her to me. I constantly get the "we're of different generations/era" from her. Inevitable as it is, quarrel is almost a daily affair and she finds me a tad long winded on some topics. Non chalent attitude at times and mostly when I try to get some attention to talk to her, her reply was mostly "ok", "yup", "sure" and even, "noted". Frustrating, but perhaps I succumb to accepting the fact that that's her way of communication. What I learnt from my previous failed marriage really helped me in many ways, but how I constantly struggled is trying to get her to put in effort and actions which subconsciously made me into a defensive mode. She did told me a few times that it is perhaps due to her fear of her past with her ex, she didn't put in the commitment I was hoping for. How I felt is, she didn't have the conviction. Quarrels after quarrels, it led to a conclusion and questions that I kept asking myself. Am I a rebound? Why am I feeling this so one-sided? Why do I feel neglected and taken for granted. There was a big fight few days ago and I guess my heart tells me, it's time to give up.
It's not all bad and I have to grant her that. She has helped me in many ways that was crucial in my own life and problems that I face even till today. I do owe her in many ways and I cannot help but feel guilty. She does little things for me and I truly appreciate the thoughts and likewise, I did for her as well. As we all know it, it is never about who does more or less, but doing it matters. However, my goals are of those that I said, working towards a good career in the next 10 to 15 years as my prime is now, building a strong foundation for relationship as well as starting a family because I love kids. These goals drives me and gives me the conviction and motivation to wake up each day to push my envelope to greater heights, heights that I might have not thought about or giving myself more excuses in the past to "NOT" achieve but now, it is "REASONS" I give myself to work towards. Her goals might be the same, but that's the logical mind telling you that it is the right future, but if the hands and legs are not moving like me in the past, then it is not the goals or mindset that are different but maturity...
I have decide to move on pursue my goals and dreams. My past made me who I am today and I'm blessed to walk out of my failed marriage although not perfect, but a stronger man. I looked back at this thread when I first started and I could remember my emotions back then, I never thought I could be as strong today. Although I am still a work in progress when it comes to attitude, character and approaches to situations, I can only thank God where I am today and the choice I made to continue to change myself and to chase what I think is right for me.
At some point in life, we will grow up whether we like it or not. Through pains, struggles and devastation, we will change and that change will eventually lead us to, maturity...