Devastated....Failed Marriage

HI Danielle,

Saw your comments- sure- it is your life after all so only you know what is important/ priority ...

You mentioned "you need to deal with your marriage first" then issues like your child etc...

Well, usually, a husband IS part of the marriage, but I see you do not think that way- I guess what you mean is "you need to sort out your thinking and action steps to take towards your marriage"...that is fine too...

Do not get too muddled up in every forumers' comments- everyone comes with his/ her point of view based on his/ her life experience to date- at the end- you choose what to do and face the consequences- the forumers here will fare no better or worse...

Make a list towards the light at the end of the tunnel and tick-off as you achieve each item...get going and stay strong...
 


watching

Member
Fairy,

"Well, usually, a husband IS part of the marriage, but I see you do not think that way- I guess what you mean is "you need to sort out your thinking and action steps to take towards your marriage"...that is fine too..."
-Marriage is over, the husband is not part of the equation anymore. Danielle is sequencing her matters. You affirmed it in "Make a list towards the light at the end". Yeah, she knows.
 

danielle367

New Member
Dear Fairyprincess and watching, 

"Well, usually, a husband IS part of the marriage, but I see you do not think that way- I guess what you mean is "you need to sort out your thinking and action steps to take towards your marriage"...that is fine too..." (Fairyprincess)

Just to clarify, yes my hubby is part of my marriage now because legally it is not dissolved yet, but he is slowly coming to terms to the divorce, though he will be emotionally distraught too. But he is not the violent type nor is he the stalker type that will harm others. So I am quite sure this aspect will be fine, hence my reply to you, Fairyprincess, earlier. I seek to dissolve my marriage amicably and deal with ancillary matters equitably. He is capable of both..

"Just ensure these ... issues are properly dealt with, and you are on the right track to singlehood..."  and "Make a list towards the light at the end of the tunnel and tick-off as you achieve each item...get going and stay strong....." (Fairyprincess) and "Danielle is sequencing her matters. You affirmed it in "Make a list towards the light at the end". Yeah, she knows." (watching)

Well, my sequencing is still rather preliminary. I was focusing on trying to get passed my emotional barrier the first week. I have done that thanks to all of you forumers
happy.gif
This week is the start of the process. I am afraid my list is still rather vague and haphazardly drawn out lol. I am still in the process of getting it more organised. Ticking off the list is a good idea. Thanks for the tip! And I can't wait to be swinging single again, watching and Fairyprincess
happy.gif
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi all,

Just for updating purposes:

My hubby wanted to discuss about our marital issues, and then options, on Thursday which is today. He told me he needed a few more days as he has difficulty finishing THE BOOK in time. He has been rather busy at work this week. All the rush to close some deals before CNY holidays. So, I guess it will spill over onto CNY this year. Sigh!

We had been having a few short exchanges a day eg: now he wants to embrace my religion lol, okay I shouldn't laugh, but I told him WHETHER YOU EMBRACE THE SAME RELIGION WITH ME OR NOT, I AM FILING. (No I didn't shout. I spoke slowly and clearly lol)

Next day he got a religious book and asked me some questions about it and I answered him as well as repeat WHETHER YOU EMBRACE THE SAME RELIGION WITH ME OR NOT, I AM FILING.

Following day, he asked another question about something else, I answered as well as repeat WHETHER YOU EMBRACE THE SAME RELIGION WITH ME OR NOT, I AM FILING.

Okay basically I am using the broken record technique every time he talks to me for the past many days.

Finally 2 nights ago, I told him after our divorce, I will still visit your dad's niche (where ashes are kept - his father is deseased) and he nodded.

And yesterday night, I said, so we will still be friends after our divorce? and he also nodded.

I think he is taking it better and I am comforted. I initially felt very sad and reluctant i will hurt him but now I see him coming to terms slowly and I feel better. After all, I do care for him very much. Just that I cant live with him.



My hunting for a place has hit a snag. Partly due to the festive season coming up. My agents told me that it will be better after CNY. So progress is not there yet.



I have also been busy with CNY prep - buying goodies, changing crisp notes from the bank, liaise with other family members and pub buddies for reunions and hanging out sessions .....
 

danielle367

New Member
Dear Ting Yi, I was reading an earlier post from you to another forumer:

"My hb .... read my mind when my face slightly change, he can sense it immediately. He sat me down and we tackled the issue. He see me more of his equal. ..... my hb's the one that I always run to after some heart crush. He's the one who wipe away my tears when I broke off with my ex."

I am happy for you. I am sure you do know you have found a soul mate in him. Once upon a time I met someone who could read my mind and I could read his. He would walk into my office and I was just about to open my mouth but before I could say anything he would go "Right, sure!" and he would go out. Then i would think to myself "shucks!! I should have also asked him to get the curry puff. I feel a bit hungry. Then shortly after, he would walk back into my office with a coffee in his left hand and a curry puff in his right, and gave them to me. Yeah, I was going to ask him to help me get a cup of coffee. That was pretty much how we communicated. Many a times, he haven't spoken and I would say 'Yeah, me too" and vice versa and we would laugh like children do. He is my only soul mate to date and I knew him only for weeks.

But we can't stay in touch. We are both married and the understanding between us is telepathic and absolute, surpassing him and he spouse, as well as mine and my spouse. He may also be possibly my only soulmate in such epic proportion. Some people come quite close to finding someone(s) who understand them in their life. Some find one in a friend or spouse after many years, through much time spent together and hard work. I met one when I was in my twenties. So was he in his twenties. And we were only lunch partners for weeks.

You probably realised I am talking about the colleague I was romantically involved and subsequently broke up with. I don't expect to find anyone like him again in my life. It is more like I was just lucky. 

I also don't expect my spouse to be like him. I am just happy if my spouse can connect with me at some level, that's all. This I am very clear.

So much for my soul mate experience lol.

Just feel like sharing
happy.gif
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi all again, 

I was reading a letter I wrote to a friend some years back. The letter years back reflected my dare, my passion for life and my willingness to step out of my comfort zone, at that time. I have lost so much of them. I realise my outlook on life has been dimmed and dulled by my struggles in my marriage. Yeah, I need to fly again. I have got to be free. I want to fly again.

To all of you who have been most supportive and encouraging to me, i want to thank you again. I have found some strength in this forum, to support me when my feet are weary and my will weak. Thank you, my friends.

I won't be posting during the CNY period. It will be such a spoilsport. I hereby wish you all "happy holidays"!!
 

60secs

Member
Danielle's husband reminds me of a friend i used to have. He's the very talkative sort and keeps talking about facts and the things people already know. I guess he's kinda afraid of what TV variety show hosts terms it 冷场。

Sad to say, i have never seen him sharing about his feelings even after knowing him for 10 yrs.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Happy Chinese New Year Danielle and to all.

Quite busy preparing to shift house and waa there are so many posts, I've just briefly scan thru.

My parents are very supportive and since young, they have always been encouraging and let me make my own decisions.
If I m unhappy in my marriage, my mum say she will always leave a room for me, she say "juz come back if u ever feel unhappy". The door is always open for u. They just want me to be happy.

And I have been coaching her to make my own gal to be independent and make her own decisions. Of course prior to that, let her know the pros and cons and encourage her to decide for her own.

She told me everything in school and when she was in nursery, 1 of her classmate bite and beat her. I never went down but asked her to approach the classmate direct and told him that it's a wrong thing to do.
She manage to solve the issue on her own. I will never restrict her to mingle with who and who. She returned to me and told me who fought, did this and that. I asked her to think about it and whether it's a right thing to do, think and learn thru the actions from others and never to be influenced easily.

I always told her that it's alright to fail, the worse is to give up wo ever trying.

I don't want to be so self-opiniated and close minded that ppl start to hide things from me.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Dan, when I read about your coll, there's only 1 thing that came into my mind, "humans are emotional and feelings develop over time" especially when u work in close proximity and face each other everyday.

I really hate that kinda feeling if a good friend exceed the friendship line and "confess" to you especially when both are married, it's hard to pull away when feelings are involved.

There will still be others who share the same "telepathy" as time goes by as u understand each other better.

Just that I believe that only friendship will last and anything more than that will only complicate things.
 

danielle367

New Member
Hi 60secs, I certainly hope that friend of yours is not the same person as my hubby lols.



Hi guys and gals,

I wanted initially to try out if the forum could provide me with the moral support I need, much like a Twelve Steps group. I thought for the first week i focused on putting out the story and later when action time comes, there is where I would run to for support. But it appeared that the first week had already provided me with what I was looking for, particularly from your Powder, Ting Yi, watching and Tomasulu (not in order of importance) and many others who encourages me too. And also Torn_Guy, for providing an appropriate thread for me to post. For you all, I am ever so grateful.

This past week had been rough for me, esp the past few days with discussions with hubby etc. But because of the first week in this forum and because of all of you, I am more aware of what I want or don't want out of my marriage, and I felt stronger than before. I am not coming in after this post, at least not in this thread 'Failed Marriage .... devastated". Perhaps in some faraway distant future, or maybe not so distant I am not sure, i might go to another thread for advice on some other specifics. But for now, i am happy you guys had been there for me when I needed you. Thank you.

Momoftwo, I am sorry for calling you "heehaw". It was most rude. My apologies. Hope you can overlook this one of my many weaknesses in my character. I know you have good intentions for me. For that, I am also thankful to you. Peace.

I wish all of you the very best in all that you do, and success and happiness in your marital lives. Perhaps we might meet again in cyberspace. Till then, take good care and bye.

Gratefully,
Danielle
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Danielle, understanding yourself is for sure the key step to seeking your happiness. Take care.

Happy New Year.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Ting Yi, u wrote "Milo, if u r here, can I ask u about few qns about fitness? I used to swim only but u say not good enough.
I think u mentioned about doing cardio to build muscles? I want to tone my abs especially around the tummy, the shape is defined but not obvious. Did a lot of pumping.

Can u advise what form of cardio is good? So far, I did bodycombat, aerobics, steps, yoga, Pilates. Should I weight lift?"

My bad for missing out your message.

I wouldn't say swimming isn't good. However, with any exercise, your body will become efficient with it and uses less effort to cope with it. i.e. it becomes a routine over time. Swimming alone will be more useful for someone recovering from any injury as it is low impact. To maximize the benefit of your workouts, seek a more balanced approach, with combination of resistance, cardio and variety of different sports, be it badminton, tenis, yoga etc. You are actually already doing many of them.

Weight bearing resistance exercises are not only for overall muscles toning but also strengthening your bone density. Also, you should incorporate core strengthening exercises. For shedding fats, its a basic forumlae to burn more than you consume. One part is controlling your intake and the other is to maximize your workout to burn the most calories. To achieve strengthening and cardio at the same time, your resistance training needs to be complex movements involving as many muscle group as possible. Do it in quick succcessions with a short disciplined resting period. Within 20-30 mins, you will be able to complete a high intensity complete workout.

One thing that I like to add to my workout to increase its intensity, use strip down or incremental. Start with strip down, meaning each set, you do only 6-8 repetition, without resting, reduce the resistance and do another 6-8 repetition. Do this strip down for 3-4 different resistance level. That will make 1 set. When you complete 3 sets, you already worked your muscles intensively.

When you become better with it, you can do the opposite, i.e. increment the resistance instead. I have to warn you that this one is really very tough.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Thanks milo, I'm glad that I m heading the right direction, yup keeping a strict diet too. I'm considering whether to increase to 2 session per day, thinking to add on another 3 hours of training at night after my gal goes to bed.
happy.gif


Hard work really pays off, I can see the changes of the body. Even my hb says so n it also enhances the ahem life.

Cardio really burn off fats. The fat percentage dropped till 25.5, I'm aiming for 18,19..

Resistance training is to definite the body shape. Thanks I will try your method.
 

tinzhen

New Member
Trust is a heavy and powerful word. It can make or destroy a marriage. I am so sorry to hear your story. You seemed like a perfect husband material but unfortunately, the pain of infidelity hurts deepest. then any other reason. Hope you can recover from this soon.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Thanks milo, I'm glad that I m heading the right direction, yup keeping a strict diet too. I'm considering whether to increase to 2 session per day, thinking to add on another 3 hours of training at night after my gal goes to bed.
happy.gif


Hard work really pays off, I can see the changes of the body. Even my hb says so n it also enhances the ahem life.

Cardio really burn off fats. The fat percentage dropped till 25.5, I'm aiming for 18,19..

Resistance training is to definite the body shape. Thanks I will try your method.

Hi Susanna, how is your training going on? Lately, I have found a new workout that works HIIT really intensively. Overall fat ratio dropped significantly in a short time. PM me if you want to find out more on this.
 
Hi guys,

It has been a little over 2 years since starting my first post here and I must say looking back, it has been quite a ride!

My divorce has finally been settled and officially, putting the past to rest. Closure somewhat felt like a graduation from University of Life.

Many has asked me time and time again about regrets and all, and my reply was and is still the same.. I've never regretted to be where I am now because without what I had gone through, I wouldn't have grown up. To be able to reflect more, self aware and to know where my goals are. Well, speaking of goals...

A common phrase I hear among couples. "Different goals, different mindset and therefore, we part.." Personally, I think everyone's goals are similar in many ways but in different copies and versions such that at the end of the day, we all want the best for ourselves. As individuals and as well as a couple. For some, better career, better future and to many, starting a family. But why there is this common phrase that couples have different goals and different mindset and therefore, relationships and marriages bound to fail? The only difference is and only in my opinion, at what age? Be it at the age of mentality, or the age literally. People or couples subconsciously perceive that these goals are close, far, a need, a must, important or not important. Example? Some people who perceive they have goals that are what they thought their goals are. But when it comes to putting it in action, procrastination and/or the lack of conviction (or reasons) sets in. And some, simply don't have goals and don't sing in tune with their other half who might be struggling to reach out to the goals. The ultimate word to describe what I think is the right term to use: "Maturity".

It is ironic that just a little less than a year ago, I met my current other half (or should I say ex now). I'm in my 30s and she is 7 years my junior. We got together shortly after couple of days after she broke up with her ex (I know this is going to open a can of words and debates later on). In retrospect, she had a bf for 7 years and well, bought a EC and later broke up for reasons I shall not reveal. I could vividly remember, first 3 to 6 months was rocky. From dealing with the sale of her EC to managing the aftermath of emotions and mental breakup. There was once she told me one night she messaged her ex and said "I miss you.." etc. There are a whole lot more for the readers here, you'll know that it is enough to end it back then. However, with words of "let's call it quits" coming from my mouth, my heart was telling me to stay on. If you follow this thread, you'll remember I once said and still is a personal philosophy of mine: "Love until it is absolutely hopeless..". And so I did, struggle and unfair but I did.

When about right after the half year mark, when the waters were calm for her, I realised there was a change. More often than not, she pays attention to the things surrounding herself. Her friends, her problems, her issues and her phone (Instagram, Facebook & Whatsapp). On many occasions, she said I wasn't open to her and not telling her stuff. But if you realised, she never given me a chance to or paid enough attention to want to know my stuff. Moreover, saying tired, using phone etc has become a barrier standing between us. Many talks regarding this just ended in a silent treatment from her or she gets frustrated and tells me she is stress or tired and discussion comes to a close. Metaphor? Sweeping problems under the carpet or so to speak. That also led me to feel even more frustrated, but I can only blame myself for this because I should have controlled my emotions better...

The different goals and different mindset has been a topic from her to me. I constantly get the "we're of different generations/era" from her. Inevitable as it is, quarrel is almost a daily affair and she finds me a tad long winded on some topics. Non chalent attitude at times and mostly when I try to get some attention to talk to her, her reply was mostly "ok", "yup", "sure" and even, "noted". Frustrating, but perhaps I succumb to accepting the fact that that's her way of communication. What I learnt from my previous failed marriage really helped me in many ways, but how I constantly struggled is trying to get her to put in effort and actions which subconsciously made me into a defensive mode. She did told me a few times that it is perhaps due to her fear of her past with her ex, she didn't put in the commitment I was hoping for. How I felt is, she didn't have the conviction. Quarrels after quarrels, it led to a conclusion and questions that I kept asking myself. Am I a rebound? Why am I feeling this so one-sided? Why do I feel neglected and taken for granted. There was a big fight few days ago and I guess my heart tells me, it's time to give up.

It's not all bad and I have to grant her that. She has helped me in many ways that was crucial in my own life and problems that I face even till today. I do owe her in many ways and I cannot help but feel guilty. She does little things for me and I truly appreciate the thoughts and likewise, I did for her as well. As we all know it, it is never about who does more or less, but doing it matters. However, my goals are of those that I said, working towards a good career in the next 10 to 15 years as my prime is now, building a strong foundation for relationship as well as starting a family because I love kids. These goals drives me and gives me the conviction and motivation to wake up each day to push my envelope to greater heights, heights that I might have not thought about or giving myself more excuses in the past to "NOT" achieve but now, it is "REASONS" I give myself to work towards. Her goals might be the same, but that's the logical mind telling you that it is the right future, but if the hands and legs are not moving like me in the past, then it is not the goals or mindset that are different but maturity...

I have decide to move on pursue my goals and dreams. My past made me who I am today and I'm blessed to walk out of my failed marriage although not perfect, but a stronger man. I looked back at this thread when I first started and I could remember my emotions back then, I never thought I could be as strong today. Although I am still a work in progress when it comes to attitude, character and approaches to situations, I can only thank God where I am today and the choice I made to continue to change myself and to chase what I think is right for me.

At some point in life, we will grow up whether we like it or not. Through pains, struggles and devastation, we will change and that change will eventually lead us to, maturity...
 
Last edited:

Top