Loser a not I have no clue but certainly a little too weak. I have so many friends including myself went thru this before but none of us need to go to an extend to see therapist.
If u have so much time to waste on missing a lousy person, to see therapist, why don't u spend the time helping the needy, doing something meaningful.
Not too sure why so are bothered with emails and such. If it is a bother just delete it without reading. Otherwise just read it - reply or not up to you. Just be yourself and do yourself - why be bothered? And nothing to think. Don't have to read too much into it..
u'll reply when u're ready... just dun take too long...
exes make very good n close frens once things are over... they can know a side of us we dun see, and make for a great conscience check whenever we meet with hardships, or when we have changed for the worse... i guess it comes with age, and we tend to be less impulsive when we grow older..
If in doubt, don't act first. The passage of time will give you clarity on whether you should reply or not, or what to reply with. Sometimes you can experience a total change of perspective like what is important now may no longer have an equal weightage later.
Definitely feel the pain of flashbacks, and every now and then indulge in a little self-pity, but I always remind myself what I have now is much better than what I had before - internal strength..and probably the pride of surviving through it all..
Why are divorce rates climbing so high these days, probably because unlike our parents' and grandparents' age, we tend to throw away something deemed as broken, replace it rather than trying to fix it first..
Sorry to have 'hi-jacked' your thread a little.. Wouldnt be reading this again and posting here if it weren't for being stuck in a super long queue at a bank..
I'm sure u will, too, find yourself a stronger person and if u look back and don't find anything that you wished u had done differently, then know that u have gone through this marriage without regrets.. Someone else is just waiting for u to bump into, and you'll be a good husband to her ..
what makes a man adamant abt getting a divorce?
unhappiness, in-law issues can make him decide on the final move, even when there are children? there is no 3rd party.
when a man says it's final, it's really the end?
Some might remember me. Well, I chose to write this on the eve of New Year because I felt appropriate and there was a closure yesterday. So...
After almost 1.5 years of fights, arguments, debates, pain, hurt, devastation as well as disappointment, we both finally came to a conclusion. That came unexpectedly when both sat down face to face yesterday. She was finally honest about the fact she still seeing that married guy. But I guess time does move people and heal certain wounds. Ironically, my reaction was calm, composed and I said to her: "I can only wish you both the best and hope one day you can find an answer from him.." This answer, well, an ultimatum between her and that guy's wife. I shan't comment too much on her own future and what she chooses. (To give the best to others is to let go, bless them, give them what they want. Don't change people because of selfish needs, but, to give happiness to others is divine..)
We also came to a conclusion that in the best interest for the both of us, we part ways forever because relationship we tried, marriage we sealed and even a friendship after the incident we tried, we both concluded that some things will never change. I told her, change for yourself, not others but in light with the fact what is going on still, she won't see that "light" anytime soon. I also shall not blame her for this, some people take years to understand what they are doing is a mistake. The debate has to stop and it is also agreed that she shall file the divorce which we will supersede the Separation Deed that is already signed and in the best interest for both because like I mention to her from the start till now, it is best she do what is required which is the divorce proper itself, by her and for us.
Years and months past and when I look back, I only smile with content. Do I regret where I am now? Never. I made mistakes as well and without these, I will never be who I am today.
I want to share this message to everyone here and felt this is a message that might also be in line with one of my personal beliefs, that through, because of, or in spite of your connection with me, no matter if it was a moment, or a millennium, that something good will happen for all of us.
Money didn't buy me what I have today, blood, sweat and tears did. Money didn't get my someone I love to be in my life, came and left but blood, sweat and tears did. Happened didn't just happen, blood, sweat and tears happened first. Health was given to me, but fitness didn't, blood, sweat and tears did. Blood, sweat and tears paid for the time I invested at work, in relationships that worked and those that didn't. Blood, sweat and tears paid for the time I had to make sacrifices, of luxury, of personal ego, and of limiting beliefs and now is that time.
I have a plan, a dream, a vision, of which I wished for, hoped for, and then believed in it for. Many a times, there will be people who visit me, and shared the same wish, hope and belief, but not many, and maybe not any be with you till it happens. And even more, who doubted, who disbelieved your beliefs and who even took action to bring it down. It is you who own your dream. And it is you who can give it away.
In local Singlish, I shiok can already or boleh ta. But not in a selfish way. I am shiok when I see my love is happy. I shiok when I can afford that time and space for it to happen. I shiok when I have the capacity to bless another. I shiok when I have friends who share the same shiokness, and I shiok when they create that space and time for me to be shiok!
We all have the capacity and ability to take it to the next level, and many a times, emotion is that tap that turns it on or not. I had to tell myself, let emotions be the fuel to drive your ability, and not hinder it. Ego is our asset, but when it runs ahead of us, it writes cheques that we can't cash. Let it be the pen that drafts your dreams and not destroy it.
I am what I am today, not because I am good, but because of what I went through, my priceless experiences, the many mistakes I have made and of course, my friends whom I have lost and made through these years. They have, in their own way, through then, by them, or in spite of them, given me the colors to paint my dreams. And each beautiful day I have, is a beautiful gift of colors that they have given to me.
And I wish for you, hope for you and believe for you, that when you have your dream, that this message is one of the colors that has made it brighter and more beautiful than anyone can imagine.
Quoting myself: "Whatever choices, friends or foes made, good or bad, never regret them because in one way or another, they made you who you are today. And tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."
I will be walking the path that you walked thru. You gave me a path to look forward to. Next week - my wife will served me with paper. I ve 2 wonderful kids 16 & 13....delima over should i take custody of the kids or not ??
Antxie, kids are priority now. Don't fight over kids because you have to or because of ego. Don't let these emotions and self justification run ahead of you, otherwise, you'll end up writing cheques you can't cash or in another words, your kids are the one that will suffer, not you or her.
Nobody can advise you whether you should or should not have custody of the kids except yourself. The factors you must ask yourself are:
- Do you have the ability (time and effort) to take care of the kids?
- Does your ex have the same ability as well?
- How would this impact your kids and what is the best interest for them and NOT the both of you.
Have those in your mind and think about it. Be honest to them and respect them. As you mentioned they are 13 and 16, you should also respect them by asking their opinion.
There is no perfect formula to this, just make sure any further damage is kept to the minimal.
Hi Torn Man, The past days - i been ponding on the issue as u mentioned. Just found out that - She is having affair with my friend (2months)whom is also a married man with 2 teenager. She doesnt know i know. The anger i m feeling inside is volcanic. she given me a timeline till this friday to condone the Divorce she ask for.
Antxie, all I can say is what is done is done. Affair or not with whoever does not matter now. Both parties contributed to the situation today with fair share of faults. Nonetheless I still do not think infidelity should be the way to end things like I mentioned more than a year ago. For now, don't fuel yourself with anger but easier said than done. I remember one of my counselor said: "if need be, let the bad emotions flow but always be a mentor to yourself and remind yourself that it is alright to feel whatever you are feeling right now and never deny any emotions..."
I can't advise much on your divorce and if in doubt, engage a Lawyer to give you the best possible advise. Talk to your family (avoid friends as much as you can) or seek some form of counselling if required. Remember, your concern will only be your kids and let that be the priority.
Learn to let go slowly and forgive her. You will one day because I did... Time will tell.
can truly understand how u feel cos i had found out that my hubby had affair with my so-called close friend two years ago. This was very hurting for the past years. When i thought it was very high time to close this chapter after discovering that my husband had been living with her and her family for the past 6 months in 2012 and on top of living in her mum home, he had been bringing my son back to her place for weekend overnight nights.. of cos very shattering n shocking. to make it worse, this gal got pregnant by him last year. in the end she decided to abort last dec and urged me to divorce asap. My hubby and i argued alot over this gal's pregnancy and yes it was the final straw that was enough to push me to the path of no return. My hubby pleaded for one last chance n with this, he already walked out on her n packed his clothings n personal things up n left her for good in last nov. and my son said to me that he still wants papa n mummy to be together. asked me to give him chance..in my heart i really refused to forgive him for his past affair plus made J pregnant.. Honestly he is a fugcing jerk and bastard in my heart. still i agreed to take him back on xmas on my son account but his past n her abortion still haunting me till now.. =X
Now and then i still drilling him. this gal is long gone out of his life and last told me that my husband still smses her (in dec) and this is too much for me to stomach... i do not know why he still sms her and from what she forwarded me some of his smses that he still asking her for money.
i still am very lost inside although we sort of patched back this last late dec.
Hi pasir_ris_beach, sorry to hear what you are going through. Your hb still in contact with her? Any actions from him to show that he is truely remosed?
Maybe ask yourself what is it that you want. No anyone else but yourself and how you can achieve that. If patch up, please ensure that this is also what you want and with him, work towards a common goal, common ground.
Talk to someone as it would help to release your stress.
Torn Man ,
There so much angers and frustration going in out of my head. My heart is really really heavy. A year ago -I did an open heart bypass. My heart stopped while doing a scope to the heart b4 going for the operation. I died. I should not hv been saved that very day. The pain n agony I am going through now is excruciating. I really want to expose her affair out loud to the kids and her parents.
today is the fifth day out of the house. Kind of feel - better. And i will be going to see a councilor FSC at 12pm to ease out my feeling...... got a txt from her that she hv ask her lawyer to serve the divorce paper. What next ?
I am new here, and I think I posted incorrectly at another thread. So here's the re-post:
Hi, I need some moral support here. Trying to go through a divorce/separation here. Coping with a clinical depression as well, and my family and friends aren't really able to provide emotional support for my marriage, or should I say an empty marriage.
Wish someone Is there to lend me some support, before I crumble yet again to go back to my status quo. Divorce is such a big word to me. The consequences and the implications seem to imply so much. I have invested 20+ years with this guy. And my world is about to be ripped apart. I need a bit of support here.
Hi Torn Guy, thanks. I don't have the mettle to go through it.
He is a good guy basically, great sense of humor, reliable friend, pubbing buddy, best travel partner. But he is emotionally unavailable. And he has personal issues which he would not deal with. Kinda makes it very hard for me as his wife.
Tried counselling and talking to him. He is only able to give some knee-jerk reactions. Like now, what he is doing again, after I told him yesterday I want out. He is frantically doing everything he can to make me stay. Again.
Things in life such as work, further studies and social activities etc just occupy our minds most of the time. So time just flew by. But deep inside I feel miserable. I wanted to leave several times, but failed. I don't have it bad as you guys did. I am just unhappy in this marriage. Period. It's like an empty promise.
So why can't I leave? I don't understand. I can persuade my good friend who was in an abusive marriage to divorce, and i was by her side when she did from filing papers to getting a new place. But I can't do it for myself.
Hi Torn Guy, I saw your reply to me in another thread "Confused". I guess I shouldn't have posted the above text and revealed my own vulnerabilities for others to poke fun and LOL about. I wasn't gambling at anything. And who said I am open to spending my life with another man for another 20 years? What do you know about me to agree to such comment? Dont you think I might have a lot of fear about relationships after this divorce? How supportive was that comment that you are in unison with?
Kindly do not reply to my text above. Considered it addressed not to you. Thank you.
Well, we were young when we got hitched. We were still in school then and I got myself pregnant. We both wanted the kid and so .... Even then we had some communication issues but I didn't see that as significant. I was too young to care, I suppose.
Over the years I begin to regret my rash decision more and more. And had tried to leave on several occasions. But failed. He is adamant till this day that I am the best thing in his life blah blah and it doesn't make it easier for me to leave, does it? It is easier to throw a punch at a bad guy than a good guy. And the stakes have become higher and higher as time dragged on.
To answer your question: Will I be happier divorcing him? I suppose so. I am miserable in this marriage, and I have done all I can be to no avail, even at the expense of developing a depression recently. So i suppose the way forward is clear for me.
Just that I am afraid I will crumble again. Hence the moral support I am asking. My family are traditional, so divorce is frowned upon. My friends think I am crazy because they adore him - he is quite an endearing friend indeed. So who do I go to when my will is shaken? I can't do this alone. I tried doing it alone and failed so often. I am afraid I will fail again.
Hi Chocolatte, to add on my above post, thoughts of leaving occur often, but in total, I brought up the subject only 3 times. Once after uni was over. Second time on my own. Third time in a marital counselling room. All CMI. Epic FAIL.
putting aside relationships... i think it might be clearer if u just looked at Life for what it is, in its Entirety... consisting of many aspects... i'm pretty sure u have joys in some of these other aspects that will pull u thru the hard times... it's also abt knowing who to surround yourself with, which environment to immerse yourself in.
just as some pple find comfort in temples, churches, libraries... perhaps finding Such an environment could be Key to dealing with your depression.
for me it's normally the movies, driving around spore, sitting at the bay... i guess watever works. to fight the depression. meantime, let your close frens know u're fighting depression...
when u see life bigger than the aspects where u face problems... Life becomes bigger and the problems will seem really small.
Danielle, first and foremost I would like to clarify myself before you start making your own assumptions about my concurrence on Scope Guy's comment in another thread. I look at his reply subjectively and only limiting to the following statement by him and I quote: "Time will heal. Though... time won't make one wiser. You'd have to wise up" unquote. In my own defense, if you read this entire thread since day one, I am sure you'll come to know although not perfect, I am not one that is without common sense and compassion. Now, instead of debating my agreement in his statement, now let's look at this objectively and move on.
From your defensive replies, I somehow in my opinion makes one feel that you tend to make assumptions quickly as well as judgement without a trial or figure of speech. Before we go into discussing your problems in who is right, who is wrong or there lack of whatever intangible feelings, why not look into the moral fundamentals of love as well as in your context, marriage. So what exactly are these fundamentals? Vows (spoken and unspoken), morality responsibility, compassion, understanding which includes rationalisation, trust (being applied mutually and wholeheartedly), communication (be it in bit sizes or an argument) and most importantly, contentment in the aspect of, love. From what you said and purely in your own perspectively as cited by your first post here, do you see a lack thereof what I have just mentioned?
Now, let us look at communication. Was there adequate communication between the two parties not just when issue arose but from the beginning? What kind of method besides getting a counsellor to mitigate issues between the two of you? I am sure your answer is such that you have tried many times but it didn't work or as you have depicted, knee-jerk reaction? Under what circumstances was it communicated in what environment, how was it brought across as well as the topics involved. Are they conducive? Pragmatic manner etc etc? The list goes on.
I want you to run through all these in your head first then try to depict your woes or your perspective here and therefore easier to find a solution (or in a corporate world, applying best practices). But again, don't be too quick to find a logical solution because logic may not work well when emotions or rather negative emotions are mixed. Trust me, I have been there. From Counseling to Physiologist, from friends to family and at many juncture, God as well. After going through all these, I realised that the best counselor is not anyone else but, yourself and a little inner faith (which to some in a manner of God).
I urge you to think this process through. I see you made some positive remarks about your other half so I don't see it as insolvable. There won't be a formula neither would there perfect answer or solution. Even hypothetically an answer or solution exist, are you able to accept it? It doesn't just take one person to do the talk but both parties. On the contrary, someone has to take the lead first and that someone is you.
P/s: At this juncture, don't be defensive nor offensive to anyone here or towards any of your friends and family. Absorb as much as you can and those that you deem that are not constructive then ignore them. Your battle is not these people but your inner self. Don't make the mistake like me for that past 1 to 2 years that when your emotion runs ahead of you, you'll start writing cheques you can't cash therefore take a few steps back and listen to yourself. Everyone wants simple love, however, when love gets complicated, one feels that simple maybe a mountain or near impossible to achieve hence running away is the only option but, never the best...
If he is such a nice guy in the eyes of everyone, why u wanna leave him? My view is that u should treasure what u have, accept him for who he is.
If u have an issue with him not meeting up to yr expectation of a spouse, then I would think the problem is managing yr expectations rather than calling it quits. Even if u divorce, u yrself are not sure if u will be happier. U wld have destroyed something for nothing!
Perhaps try to spend less time focusing on him, go out get a life, meet new frens, new hobbies. Marriage should not be just about trashing your spouse.
Anyway.. this kinda topic kinda sensitive to talk in the open if u not sure of the future. Feel free to PM me.
About my depression, I am on medication and the med is working. But I don't want to just do meds. I want to solve my cause, which is a sense of isolation, within as well as outside of my marriage.
Outside my marriage, I need to find and ground myself in such an environment. You are so right about it. So far, I have not been successful.
I am female but I have some problem talking with only women. No offence to females out there, this is purely from my point of view: I find ladies night extremely boring. All the endless gossips, and the screaming about the sales and the shoes, and problems with kids maids and in laws. I just switch off mentally. I dont do well with only girls. I do better with guys (but i have stopped that for a while). During chill out sessions, I usually talk with both sexes about news sports politics FT poicies or anything that can be shared by both sexes. And we dont do them seriously. It's more like joking about this or that and having a laugh.
Most of my friends are our common friends and pubbing ones so chill out sessions like going for drinks are our way to cope with long work weeks. We have punishing work schedules. Basically everyone, myself included, just need to get through this week, this month, this office budget, this project, so to speak.
I suppose I suck at finding friends with whom I can really relate to. I used to be more open, and on two such occasions in the past had developed close friendships with two different colleagues from different companies and things went awfully wrong. They were male colleagues if you get my drift. I have since then been more closed up wrt personal sharing with guys.
My girl friends in my usual chill out group are not very supportive when I want to talk about my marriage, dismissing my case as a crazy irrelevant non issue compared to theirs such as the awful maid and the monstrous mil. Well, they are aware I have depression and they just joke about it like "Hey, Danielle, stop that. You forgot your med this morning, huh? Hahaha." Lol, i know. It may sound cruel but they do make me laugh. I can joke about it if they are just teasing. I have a sense of humor.
I don't do religious places. I tried looking for twelve steps meetings but I dont think they have any for people with marital problems.
Hence my social circle. My social support network is a farce.
It didn't hit me for a long time. I was that dumb when I was young not to see it. We fell in love, argued and fought at times but we had a lot of fun as kids too. And of course the sex was good. I saw it as a communication issue which can be resolved if we both love each other. But it turned out to be bigger than that.
At such a young age when we got together, we still went on studying and our girl was raised by our parents. After As, he went away for 5 years to do his uni, i did mine locally, during which we called each other or wrote lovey dovely stuff etc. to each other. When he came back we were in our mid twenties and we started staying together in our own home, it was then that reality hit home. He cannot relate emotionally. Gawd! Why didn't I see that?
He is a good guy. The things that i said of him are true and thats what attracted me to him too. But beyond that, he cannot touch his emotions. It is like having a handicap. I urge him to seek treatment or help but it is something he doesn't seem to agree with.
If you are a woman, you will realise it is important to have some form of ability to relate at an emotional level with your man. You can't come home say one day, confide a personal problem to your spouse, and have him dodge sharing how he feels about it, and try to say a few jokes to cheer you up or say something like "hey, let's go watch a movie. Come on!". And it happens every time. No amount of my explaining to him made him see his problem. I even dragged him to a counsellor. But it didn't help.
He is great from all aspects. He really is. He does housework, pays my bills, gives a lift home to friends who dont drive etc. it's a dream come true for most women. Hence my friends call me crazy. But inside this house which i share with him, i have to have some form of connection on an emotional level with my husband. Otherwise this is an empty marriage. Looks good from the outside. But there is zip inside. Or so, it appears to me.
I tried looking at it from many angles, so time over time I cave in when I wanted to walk out. Now, I am getting depressed as well. There is something not right here that no one can understand nor point me a workable solution.
If I walk out of this relationship, it will brings me pain (I am losing a big part of my life here). This I am constantly aware.
I need to go. Please help me. Say something to support me.