Hi rip_curl bro,
How are things?
I thought long before deciding to reach out here. I face very similar issue right now. You can read more about my case in the thread 'Can I still salvage my marriage?'.
I can totally relate to, and understand what you are feeling. Its almost identical to what I had. Just one fine day wife decided to drop the news, like a nuclear bomb that strike us where it hurts the most. And the whole world came collapsing down and things would never ever be the same again. And the emotional roller coaster begins right after that. And it seems to be never-ending..
I need to be very careful with my words here. With reference to my own experience, I initially was quite sure there's no third party, or affair. But by a stroke of luck, I managed to peer into wife's whatsapp messages. Plus, connecting the dots in our daily life, I am highly certain of an affair going on.
And it suddenly made sense to me. For a mother/wife, to decide to divorce with kid, and give up everything in the current family/relationship, it takes hell damn lot of guts. She may have been thinking about it for long, struggling with that thought. She may have been suffering in silence. But, usually they wont be so stone-hearted that there is absolutely zero chance of salvaging. the reason that my wife is so adamant, so logical, and 'considerate' in her proposal to D, is because there is another party pulling her away. it doesnt matter if it happens before or after she drop the news, but the third party simply plays a big role in her decision making.
Well, this is my case. I thought knowing this, will make things easier for me. It did, briefly, for about half a day. and then reality sets in, another wave of emotions flooded my mind. And I am still at a loss right now.
I am not saying your wife has affair. I am sharing my experience, and point to you that there could be this possibility. You are the only one who can find out the real reason. In this kind of issue, sometimes we can trust our intuition.
I am still struggling to accept. the fact that we still living under the same roof, seeing her everyday, doesnt help. i still love her, want to care for and provide for her, but concurrently feeling the pain of being betrayed. Seeing my kid, while it makes me happy most of time, also reminds me of what her mother (ie my wife) does. Its excruciatingly painful.
I want to share with you what I do to make myself feel better. I hope some of these may help you. Disclaimer, it will be damn damn freaking difficult to do some of these cos ur brain is constantly worrying and consumed by the issue. But you just have to try, and try, and keep trying. and slowly it will get better.
1 - mindset/mentality. This is the hardest. I physchoed myself to accept that she is as good as gone. And come to terms that she is no longer my wife. this is so damn freaking difficult. but I consciously keep telling myself that. The reason is, then only I could behave cordially with her, in front of kid. And there is no acrimony. Just cordial, plain, functional conversations revolving around kid at home. then we can truly reach D terms and conditions in best interest for kid.
2 - i kept all the photos, gifts, objects, that would remind me of our happy past. Cos it brings back memories, emotions, and maybe tears. Kept all of them, out of sight. When I thought about the past, I quickly forced another thought into my brain, to distract myself.
3 - every morning, I looked into the mirror, and tell myself things will get better. There is better future ahead of me, I will find someone worthy of loving soon. I have my family, close friends, my kid, who love me and want the best for me. And whatever small positive things in life worth cherishing for. To try to lift my spirit. this seems stupid, and awkward. But it helps
4 - I forced myself to take up new activities and meet old friends. picked up running again, go for fitness class, deliberately hang out with friends for dinner. keep my mind off the issue. Deliberately reduce time spent at home.
5 - confided in few close friends. Share the problem with them. Shed tears, cried, complained, bitch about the issue. Formed whatsapp chatgroup w them to constantly keep in touch and offer support. Talk about anything, other matters to distract myself.
6 - took a short break in nearby country with my brother. Or you can go alone, with a close friend, etc. I deliberately blanked my mind during the trip, and stop contacting wife for that few days. to regain my sanity.
7 - with my brother's help, i started praying to God. I am not a christian. But my brother shared his experience of going through his life crisis and his experience turning to god and things improved, that persuaded me to start praying. Express gratitude, accept that things happen for a reason, and god arrange this path for us is actually the most suitable path. When we look back in future, things will be clear. This helped calm my mind.
8 - i had a change in hairstyle. Gradually replacing my old clothes. upgrading my wardrobe. got a new bag. Basically sprucing up my personal image.
Accepting takes time. Healing the mental wound takes time. When you are in a better mental state, then sit down with her for a sincere chat. Do not quarrel, argue. easier said than done I know. But we still have to try. One thing I learn from this is, to express emotions in a non-emotional way; and try to detach and elevate ourselves from these matters, as if we are talking about other parties. Its all in the mind. This may then help reduce fighting and create a more constructive conversation.
I believe EggWhite bro has been in contact with you? Hope he gave you some good advice.
Stay strong. No matter how bad the situation is right now, things will get better. Treat yourself better, for the kids. For your future self.
Feel free to reach out if you need.
