Depression and sucidial thought - annulment of marriage

fatfat

New Member
i am married for almost 3 yrs and been dating my husband for almost 5 years before we decide to get married.

while we were dating, i was aware that he was suffering from premature ejaculation (PME) and at times ED. but i tot maybe after marriage we woudl go to conselling and medical treatment and that would give us sufficient time to work on his issue before family planning.

but years after years i dont see any improvment. my husband is consider very passive sort, everytime i must tell him or urge him to take actions to see doc. finally its the time i decide to start family. we now even resort to IUI becos till now he cant even penetrate me.

im used to be very patient and encouraging wife for the past 7 yrs but now i really catn stand it. i already hit my limit and i started to hate him. now i had to go thru all the pain for the IUI, and all my family members think that i didnt want to start a family and think i got problems. even when i was diagnosed with a cyst i even went for operation cos doc told meit would impact my fertility. but now the real real problem is my husband.

today we are at the clinic doing the IUI, i told him weeks before that he has to prepare his body for the right condition, and ask him to rest and eat well. guess what, he din even ejaculate properly and the count is so low and bad that my gynac tink it not a choice chance for conceiving.

im totally devasted. i did all i can to to prepare my self for the best chance to conceive and this selfish man did that to me.

i was so mad that the moment i went home i scream and cried adn asking him why he need to do this to me. he is so damn selfish to care only about himself. he din even tell his family members that the problem lies wif him and not ME!

i cant take it anymore, i need to divorce immediately. since we never had sex, we can just annul right? and its been 7 yrs since i alraedy in this relationship and he is alway the same attituide of not bothering. i think if i continue to stay in this marriage, i would haave wasted so much my youth and $ in seeing all specialist.

im realyl gg to go Crazy and im suffering from depression that every nit i keep crying and shouting but my hushand still also nver say anythin.

i told him im suffering depression as per what doc is saying and doc refer me to visit a pycharistrist and now i tell my hubby i want to annul and i want to claim 50% of wahtever he has after he put me thru all the trama and the grief and hurt.

tell me, am i the one here who is wrong or doing a great diservice to my husband. considering i have alot of suitors and i given up everyhitn for him because i tink he is a stable and family man. but what the use of a stable and a family man, who cant even satisfy his wife and cant even bear the pain and suffering of his wife.

tell me tell me..
 


powder

Active Member
to be extremely honest, the key point here is "i tot"

everything that culminated into the frustrations u have now, comes from assuming something that would have been Vital to your relationship/marriage and the progress.

since u know u can no longer live with it, i do think it's better to sperate henceforth. no point digging into what he should do and could do, and basically the whole blame-game. just walk away if it's better for both.
 

sunboi80

Member
Less than 3 yrs can annul if both parties are willing...

I understand that it's not a good feeling to be misunderstood and accused of things that u aren't...
but ask urself why do u marry ur hb in the 1st place? cos of love? or just to find a guy to start a family?

There are many cases where a couple is able to sustain a sexless/childless marriage...

i am not in a position to advice u cos i've nv been thru' this before but as i always said in other post, u gotta think carefully and make ur decision, dun make a decision that u will regret in future

P/S: the other suitors might have other problems as well...
 

fatfat

New Member
i once heard a close gf told me that her future hubby is not a virgin and they did have sex before they get into marriage and she say its impt. the reason is that having a satisfuing sex its impt in the marriage that keep the relationship gg. i dont agree at first but look at what happen to me now.

even though my husband is a good model husband but at this stage where i feel that i afer being married for 3 yrs and being in a relationship wif him for 7 yrs, im still not even able to have sex with my husband and i dont even remeber what its taste and feel what is sex like.
although we or I can say it lamely without sex its not impt. but there is a whole lot more emotional and other issues that surrond this. meaning, i wont even able to start a family at all, being childless not by choice but its becos we cant have sex. although we can opt for iUI but my husband he got such mental block that he cant even ejaculate a good quality sperm to qualify for IUI.

its not easy for me to endure so many rounds of IUI and its all those painful procedures. i even recently went and haev a surgerty to remove a cyst in order to have better chance of conceive and what did i get in return. Pain and misery. and what my husband done. all i asked for him is to have a proper ejaculation for the IUI.

at time i think i can endure or survive thru all these ordeal without having sex or kid. but im just lying to myself cos over time i feel im getting depress, low self esteem where lal my frens are getting pregnant and all my relatives asking me if i wanted to start family. but its nt my choice and im desperately want to have a kid but its not my choice.

prior to marry my husband, i got another bf whom i equally in love with but i would definitely say sex is so enjoyable.

yes i agree sex is not the everything and the decision that i chose to marry my husband bcos of his character and he make a good husband thinking that sex issue can be resolved and over years it can be cured. but i was wrong. i feel my hubby never try as hard or put in as much effort as i do. i went thru all the pain months after months to ensure that my health are in godo conditions , eliminating any factors that will impact me to conceive. spend so much $ to see sin seh and doct but what happen in the end. my hubby doesnt put in as much ffort as i do.

i totally devasted and to a point im nearly give up hope in him, myself and the whole relation. i already feel im no longer attractive, lost my youth and thre is nothing much for me.

i even threaten my husband if i commit sucide wll that make him happier or at least make him realise how impt starting a family or having a sex in the relationship. i already dont know what i can do anymore . ..........
 

glex

New Member
just leave him !

chossing a partner just like buying the clothing. you have to try first wheather it is fit or not before you buy !

people must find a relationship enjoyable, fun and happy. if not, why you bear it ? we are all entitled for our own happiness.

if not, i suggest you leave him ! you make so much effort and he just do no shit !
 

powder

Active Member
dun think u should head the direction of blaming him. as it is, u have got alot of contempt for him liao... it's sad that an almost wonderful union can be corroded by something so natural, but if there's anything u really wanna blame, seriously - blame nature. blame science for giving him everything u wanted except this one thing.

but dun blame him.

if leaving him can help u gain the love and respect for him again, then i think that might be an option u'd like to adopt.

as it is, this problem might have scarred him from feeling normal or manly... to have u throw hurtful words might just add to the problem. i think if in his shoes, i might be overwhelmed by the pressure to perform... i dun think i was ever in a position where i had to ejaculate well and ejaculate good, let alone ensure the quality of my sperm. it was just a pure mix of physical/emotional bonding when making love.

i would personally feel very low if demands were to be made of my erection, ejaculation and quality... afterall, nature has made these so instinctive and natural... so "WHy Me? Why must i be the one who can't have an erection, have premature ejaculation and worst - blessed with a wonderful wife whose only demand was for me to do the 2 things i most naturally couldn't do?"

it's tough for him too. divorce may not be a bad option, to be honest. at least he can feel like a man without u constantly reminding him that he isn't (u dun have to say it), and at least u can feel like a woman once u've found yourself impregnated and able to start a family...

might be the best for both of u...
 

coka

New Member
honestly, u mustn't blame him.
what i feel is - he could be actually feeling very helpless. But he doesn't know the actual way of expressing, so he acted as if he don't care.

you'll really need to make him sit down together with a counsellor after you've cooled down, to talk seriously over everything.

I can understand perfectly well how you feel...

as for family/relatives, well, honestly, i will just blurt out to them - it's not my fault. It's his, and explain quickly.

Of coz spilling the beans will do harm to the relationships though....

and if u feel u really MUST go, then u better.
It's not just about youth, money time.
It's also about the BODY's biological clock.
I'm sure if given a choice, u don't want to give birth too late of age, where you'll need to go to the doc monthly to check blood... do several other tests... and when stamina becomes really low as one ages.

On the other hand - think carefully.
This man, whom you married coz u love him.
His good points.
Is there a possibility to save everything.

EVERY MAN HAS THEIR OWN PROB.
Maybe those who had wooed you before, will not be the perfect match for you? Maybe one of them might be a violent husband? Maybe one of the is a spendthrift and lands up bankrupt?
The idea is - everyone has something to resolve.

Cool down first. You're very angry. That's why you feel so upset.
Cool down then think.
 

fatfat

New Member
i know that i been putting blame on him becos i REALLY REALLY hit my limit. I had been encouraging and patient and always say comforting words to him whenever he failed to perform. Then who be there to comfort me? i dint reveal to anybody or even my close frens for fear that i will bring shame to my husband. isnt what i am doing to protect his pride and ego.

I have been very successful in whatever things i strike to acheive, whether in work, career and my goals. I trust my own capabitliy and put my best effort thus all my effort pay off. But this sexless issue no matter how hard i try, its just not myself own effort is enuf. if my husband is not putting as much or 100% or even 110% effort, it will still fail cos its just not my alone effort is enough to make it successful.

tell me what i should do now?? im really lost.. i dont know who to turn to..

we been to pyscharistist in gleneagle, we also go and see endocrinlologist to see if my husband need any form of surgery, we even see a marriage counsellor and even a chinses sin seh.. what else we havent done..

he is jst so passive, everything i must remind him to go and see.. but for me, i have done whatever i have. if ther any signs of prob with my health, i be really make sure i eradicate all probs so that i can conceive. but after all the pains and procedures i went thru, if my husband doesnt do his part what can i do??????

i already feel the hatred towards him. i was so mad that one day i just came home, smash up every thing in the house, tear away all the pictures and smashes all the photoframes in the house and break everythign. i think i reach a peak where i almost gone beserk!'

and my hubby just stood there staring at me gg berserk and breaking and smashing everythign at home. and he din say aynthing. i packed my luggage and ran away from home and he din even stop me. it has been 2 days since i left home and my hubby also din come and look for me. i told him i want a DiVORCE and i want 50% of everyhitn he has in terms of the house, savings and car. cos he OWN me for all the youth, time and pain he put me through.

and he just say if it make me happy he woud do this to let me go.

i dont know.. i really despair cos my hubby seem already given up hope on himself and i really have no energy or the capacity to be a supporting wife cos i think im gg into depression stage very soon...
 

vallous

New Member
hi missy tan,

sorry to hear your troubles. Perhaps he is also frustrated with himself that he cannot satisfy you or get you pregnant. He is a man after all and I am sure he is feeling terrible but he is not telling you because he will lose face.

From what you said, your hubby is trying very hard as well but still cannot help. Why not try other means , try IVF.

Like Junie said, if i am you, if any of his relatives or friends or family complains abt why childless, i will also blurted out quickly that its not my fault and its his. And explain that you are good and patient enough to tolerate and stand by him.

Then you prob raise from being a sinner to an angel!!
 

powder

Active Member
hi missy,

dun let it end this way ok? i dun think he could have done anything more than just stand there... i would have chosen Inaction as an action too, if i was in his shoes...

i'd let u go too...
 
hi, sorry to hear about that. but i guess u need to feel for your husband also.
mayb u didnt realise. mayb u feel u are encouraging. but to him, you are putting salt on his wound? he told you about his problem before marriage. he thought, you would not mind about that. but after years if marriage when you decide to have a family, you asked him to see a counsellor see all sorts of doc.
i know u meant well and you make alot of effort and spend alof of money on it. but sometimes, do think of him. how would he feel when you go to different docs and tell them my husband have a problem. we have been tog for 7yrs but never had sex bcos it's his problem? mayb u dun sae it like that, mayb u sound nicer. but guys are guys. they have their ego.

hope this helps.
 

momiji

New Member
hi missy tan,

i felt sorry for your husband. you know he had such problems when you were dating and you thought these would be solved after marriage. have you ever asked him whether he is ready to go for such treatments in the first place?

its really hard on you to go through those painful procedures...its expensive and the rate of successful is not guaranteed. you have put in a lot of time and effort in it but have you noticed that he is under a lot of pressure from you to "perform well"? after going through all these procedures, consulting so many specialists, if i am a man, i would be too overwhelmed.

you said you smashed everything at home one day and asked for divorce and he said he will let you go if it will make you happy. you interpret this as he giving up hope on himself. if i am him, i would say the same to you too. you should leave him if this would make you happy. there is nothing much he can do. how do you want him to make you stay if the only way is to make you pregnant which is beyond his control? he had these problems when you were dating and you are well aware of it. you chose to marry him...he didn't force you. wouldn't he become low in esteem aftering going through all these with you?
 

worthless

New Member
Hi missy,

I know its sad to hear that when you're trying hard to conceive and your partner in another way is not doing his 'best' in your eyes...

But do spare a thought for him. I dun think he any happier for not been able to 'help' and caused premature ejaculation. Which guys on earth want it to happen to them?

Like wise, if the faults lays with you (woman/wife), and for the same reason the husband wan to divorce her coz she cant bare him a child do u find it acceptable?

''In sickness and in health, forsaking all others with this ring I married you.''

have your fogotten the vow?

You cant simply leave a man for not being able to do that above?

If you reali want a child, try others like adopting one instead.

just my 2cents worth
 

glex

New Member
miss. tan,

why someone must to do something right and ethical in order to preserve the legacy and tradition while you are suffering doing it ?

it is just a food for thought !
 

vios

New Member
Given his passive sort and sexual conditions, i don't think he can just ejaculate for the tests with so much external pressure as well.
Yeah, you are devastated and disappointed after you've done your own share of whatever tests. What abt him? i don't think he feels good in any way that he couldn't, and then what makes him selfish? That he can't produce a good sperm count for the tests due to his known condition?

Then, I am extremely curious abt what makes you better than your hubby?

I would encourage adoption, but if you can't get over his ED, then there is indeed a bigger issue to look at than the former.
 

fatfat

New Member
the docs we visited not really keen to put my husband on medication becos they think he is physically well and nothing really serious or not as if he is physically handicap. doc say its all about mental block. and becos we are gg IUI and those pilss will have side effect and reduce the quality of the sperm.

its an chicken and egg thing. one area to improve his premature ejaculation and for him to sustain his erection, he wold have to take pills. but when he take pills it would affect his sperm count. doc already warn taking viagra and pills are more for pleasure but if we plannig family he doesnt advice.

see, we are stuck in this dilemma. so in the end i told my hubby that i willingly to forgo the pleasure and focus in gettig the quality of the sperm good so that we can use for IUI since we no longer in the state of honeymooning.

so what i havent done it right? before we got married, i know he has the problem and i just think with so many years we surely cna solve this problem but i overlook like it can pose a big big obstacle in the marriage when family planning comes along.

well, anyone can say we can adopt. but how open are family members to think about this? and how relatives will say.. my hubby doesnt say or defend me when relatives keep asknig how come i dont want ot have a kid they will think becos i put in effort for my career and becos i travel alot. but my hubby will keep quiet. and by adopting somehow everyone in the world would know. i have to declare to company, bosses and everyone would know. is that easy option???

i really cant think anymore. my brain is so dead.one of my guy fren that i talked to sugest that i should take a time out with my husband first and cool down and see if i can get use of living without him. i trying since its day #2 and although i feel everything seem out of control leaving home with miniml clothings and perhaps i need to find a place to rent out.

we are staqying with our parents in law.. and i also cant ask my hubby to move out or stay out since that is his parent place.

my mother in law call me and she also tell me to come home becos she is concern about my mum is thinking that my husband is ill treating me. to her, face is impt. and to me, i already giveen up my pride, ego and youth and time what else left for me more to give.??
 

worthless

New Member
Having a child or not is within you and your partner. Why should you be responsible to answer to those older folks?

You can simply tell them you're enjoying every moment of now with only the 2 of you. With the higher costs of living, loans, stress in sch for child etc....

At the same time, try to talk to your partner to speak up... if he choose not to speak up then just keep numb when the older folks talks again...

When u are single ; they ask when getting a partner?

when you aint married ; they ask when getting married?

When you married ; ask when giving birth?

When you give birth ; ask when next?

followed by compare school/results etc....

Older folks are like tat...

If you can accept adoption.. then forget it. We are just suggestin its just an alternative if you wan kids since you're facing this and IUI dosent help.

Shifting out of your place help? have a heart to heart talk with your partner.

(no guy wan to have PME)

You live for yourself and not for others.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Missy Tan, have you guys considered visiting a sex therapist? If your husband's PME and ED are non-medical problems, perhaps sex therapy would help.

By the way, ejaculating sub quality sperm or not having good sperm count is not his fault. I am sure he didn't wish for this to happen too. Likewise, for some women who menstruate but do not ovulate, or who only have one working Fallopian tube which actually halves their ability to conceive, what can they do?

You knew about your husband's condition before marriage and you took the chance that things may improve after marriage. That choice taken means the acceptance that it carries the risk that things might remain status quo or worsen. You made that choice yourself. You cannot blame him for your choice just because things did not turn out the way you think they should.

Your situation is one of live with it or leave it. If you can live with it, you stay married to him. If you can't, you should leave him.
 

momiji

New Member
it is natural for you to feel disappointed after putting in so much time and effort. i believe that he is equally sad. there are many occasions when we are frustrated and the tone we use to speak might not be conducive for effective communication. i suggest you don't talk about this topic with your husband until you cool down as you are still not in a stable condition to discuss with him calmly.

relatives and old folks are bound to ask married couples when they are going to give birth. sometimes they ask for the sake of asking. your husband doesn't reply those relatives because he is afraid of letting people know of his problem. its a man's ego...he must be feeling lousy for being unable to make his wife pregnant. of course, its hard on you that relatives seem to "blame" you for not wanting a kid when you badly wanted it. but you cannot stop relatives from asking. maybe when they asked again, just say that you do want a kid but it's not within your control even though you are perfectly healthy.

it is normal for one to want to have their own children but adoption is not shameful. there are many couples who are unable to have children and there are also many orphans around. adoption helps these couples to have children and for the orphans, they can have a proper home to grow up.
 

fatfat

New Member
thanks everyne.

do anyone know where i can visit a sex therapist? i have no idea and perhaps i can try this with my husband.

and im gg for IUI almost like 6 cycles and my doc say my husband performance is inconsistent. some time he is ok with the sperm count sometime he is not.

the reason why im so hurtful is i just did my IUI few day baack after my surgery where doc ask me to rest ffor 3 mths after my cyst surgery. so i told my hubby that during these 3 mths he can relax and build his health and finally this month its 2nd month and i decide to go for IUI. i time properly and even use the OP kit to make sure i got it ovulation right and even take a day off to go to the clinic. i alrady told my hubby the day before we gg to the clinic and he need to rest and sleep well.

then next day, he told me he din ejaculate any at all and when my doc perform the IUI, he give me a kind of half hearted comment. i think he know that this IUI is not gg to be successful and he aslo ask my husband is he sick why his sperm count drop so much.

isnt that fustrating. of all times, he failed me in the most critical period. my expectations from i expect a mind blowing sex to a point if he can penetrate me now to a point if he can just masturbate himself to collect a good sperm for the IUI.

i already lower lower my expectation to a point i feel i no longer ever that im a complete woman with a husband.

i also went for a HSG test to check my tube several months back to make sure im in good conidtion.

why whatever medical procedures we do, whethr IUI or IVF why do woman need to bear the pain. why dont we have any procedures that we can do on the men and let them experience all the pain we women went thru. whether its our fault or mens problem, whatever assited conception still need to be inflicted on woman.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
One of my sisters and her husband cannot have children. Once they announced this to the family, no one ever quizzed them why not. You see, as family we don't rub salt into the wound. If they choose to keep the reason to themselves, we respect the need for a little privacy.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I understand the kind of frustration you are feeling. My ex-husband could not ejaculate in me but he did not have ED or PME problems. Don't ask me why because I also have no idea even though some said he might have over masturbated himself (got such thing?). I have asked some of my male friends and all came back that they have not heard of this. Well, he had refused to go for medical treatment. I could live with that, but I also knew that I am only human to lose sexual attraction to him over time. From there I learned something, that sexual compatibility is important.
 

momiji

New Member
yes, you have suffered a lot for this and you are very courageous to endure so many painful procedures. i think your husband not only feel lousy, he also feel guilty for making you suffer all these, going through all these pain. he might even feel more anxious than you and he might have a lot of feelings that you aren't aware of. he might even develop a sense of failure.

my friend married her ex-husband for years. even though both of them are perfectly healthy, she is unable to conceive despite trying out different methods. her parents-in-law badly wanted a grandchild and thought the problem lies with my friend. his family forced them to divorce. eventually they married different person and had children. its puzzling why they can't have children with each other.

maybe you can consider telling your parents-in-law about your husband's problem. at least they won't misunderstand that you don't want to have children.
 

kessie

New Member
Missy Tan, if u have depression, u should consult a doctor. Your husband don wan this to happen too. Guess your husband is also overly stressed and find it embarrassed to own up that this is his fault.. So, don pushed him... Accept the fact, if u really wanna have a baby. Try in out slowly.
 

simpleman

Active Member
missy tan,

You should get your hb to see a sex therapist.

Or you can find someone (guy) that you can trust to talk to your hb and find out what his thinking is?

don't give him any more pressure.

And if you still not happy, then leave him..
 

simpleman

Active Member
doll,

ha ha what you mean by cannot ejaculate in you?

Cannot or would not? You mean have sex for long period of time till soft and cannot shoot? Or he simply refuse to shoot inside?

Never heard of over-masturbation. If no ED or PME, most guys can shoot lah - whenever it is, inside, outside, in condom, on face, inside mouth.. or whatever.
 

m28

New Member
missy, you sounded like your prime concern is having a baby.. could your husband be protesting in his own way, consciously or subconciously that you are now more concerned with having a baby than his problem and that after the baby, he might even lost more status in your life?

Any chance of working on his problem, whether he is having some emotional issues instead of jumping right into childbirth?..having a baby does not solve his main problem..you mentioned you opted to forego pleasure for family planning but looking at it another way, maybe then the family would come naturally if his problem is taken care off 1st?

You've been a great and supporting wife but are you sure that you will not feel depressed or want to end the marriage after you had a baby? take care of the problem btw 2 ppl before introducing a third new member..that should be the way to complete a family no??
 

fatfat

New Member
guess what my mum in law call me and say tat i shouldnt just run away away from home and she say that being a wife i should support, encourage and be there for my husband when he feeling stress... i dont understand why everyone would think its the wife role to be docile and always be the supportive role. im feeling stress, depressed and i dont have anyone to support and encourage me, how would i be in the right mind and soul to give the support to my husband..

i try to explain to my MIL say that we been trying for many years and nobody can help my husband unless he help himself to ovecome his fear and problem. but my MIL quick to say that i should help him overcome his fear instead of just running and abandoning him. on the surface she say she doesnt mind if we both cant conceive and we can adopt, but from the ways she say, she already quick to say its my fault now.

so seriously really how open the older folks are. and she only care about her face... becos she told me that it would reflect badly to my family if my family know about my husband issue and i ran away. she ask me to come home quickly and keep this affair hush hush..

so basically everyone is pointing finger to me.

hi doll, if u say that your hubby cant ejaculate in you? then are u not planning to concieve?
 

coka

New Member
missy tan,
actually, i believe you're feeling all these stress because you feel, you've been braving everything ALONE.
If you had gotten your close siblings or your parents' support, you probably would have felt more strength.
All MIL are the same (i feel) - their own sons are angels, brought up by mothers, DIL are monsters, brought up by cow dung.
Don't be bothered by what they say.
Tell her, if she push you further, you won't know if you might accidentally blurt out to EVERYONE. Let her know you need time to cool off.

If i were you, frankly, i will cool down first, then set my priority right. Decide what i want, then act from there. The deciding process is long and tedious.
pulling in rational thoughts and emotinoal feelings.

you've been very patient all these while. But, honestly, there're people, who are trying or have been trying more years than you.

Now that you're feeling tired, if you feel that you still want to continue the marriage, then, just take a rest.
After the rest, recharge, start planning. But, don't rush him, don't stress yourself.

If you feel you don't want to cotinue the marriage, then take a rest, think through again carefully, before your start your next act.

For your hubby's side, i guess he's feeling stress/depressed. That's why his sperm count is low, on that very fateful day you flared up.

don't feel discourage.

what will be, will be.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Missy Tan, I am no longer married to my ex-husband.

Anyway, the marriage was nothing less than tumultuous, so having a baby was not a priority, what more with this non-ejaculation problem he has got. I didn't want to have a baby with him even though some years into the marriage I had this growing desire to be a mommy. I believe that if I couldn't provide a stable environment to my child, I should not give birth to one.

SM, he could not ejaculate in me. The session could go on for a long, long time till I became dry and both became exhausted physically, and still no ejaculation. He could ejaculate in the hand though.
 

thermos

New Member
Hi missy

i'm not trying to be discouraging, i really feel that you shouldn't push your HB to see sex therapist, this will just add on to the stress you & him are facing now.

Like what you wrote - you can't take it anymore, you also didn't indicate you are willing to compromise with no kids or sex. So really, don't pressure your poor HB anymore, if you want to divorce and he is willing to give you 50%, please go ahead with divorce. I always believe in this Mr Right thing - you'll definitely find your Mr Right after the divorce.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I am afraid that Missy Tan will fall into deeper depression upon discovering that it is near impossible to claim 50% of her husband's assets and money with divorce, unless he is willing to give thoese things to her himself.
 

veiled78

New Member
Doll,

I had the same experience as you. Since day 1, mt husband just couldn't ejaculate in me, no matter what. We only did it once or maximum twice a month so maybe it was more of a chore and responsibility.

Anyway, we live separate lives now, so it doesn't matter anymore.

But lesson learnt - sexual compatibility is important.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Veiled, I read your thread. You are coming back to Singapore soon and going to work on things with your husband, right?
 

niki

New Member
hello everyone. i read Doll thread and veiled, so its really impt that sexual compatibility and healthy sexual relationship is impt. i know although everyone can just say its not that impt as long as u love each, even without kids.. but in this highly competive and stresful environment, its not easy just to stay tall and alone to be just totally different.

i got some guy collegues who doesnt have kids although they are already late 30s-40 and sometime over conversation, i can sense that they are abit embarrass when we talk about kids and family and they would tell us that their wife doesnt want a kid. although no body know its geniue or its an excuse but no matter what its still a social stigma bearing on them. what more for a woman.

i just had a talk with my husband and he is still very sad and he was telling me that whether have kids or not to him its a by product of the retlationship and most impt we have each other for life for companion.
i was kinda ashame that why i turn out to be monsters and start behaving in a hysterical way and hurt him so deeply.

so i told him i will give ourself both a chance to work on it. so i know he is very stress and he has this pyscho mental block i plan to start out some counselling treatment wif raffles hospital. thanks to doll who provide the contact.

im not sure if there any other counselling centre to recommend beside Raffles hospital? or sex therapist?

i wuld want him to go alone for a few session so that he can talk to the pycharist and unless the pycharist requir me to join him. i think maybe my husband will be more stress and not relax when im in the room listening to his inner thoughts and fears.

next, prior to the day before gg IUI, i will book a massage for him and i to relax so he woldnt feel so stress and tense.

and one thing my husband mention that he is not use to the room in the hostpital where he collect his sperm, he sugges that he will do sperm analysis twice a month to check his level.

actually i think its better for him to ejaculate at home since he feel warmer, but my doc telling me that i need to do a scan first to see if my egg are big enuf before i perform IUI. if it not big enuf, then he will inject me wif some drugs and then next day i return to do IUI. so if my husband ejaculate today and turn out i need to return tmr for iui, then my husband would waste his sperm esp his sperm count so low it not advisable to let him ejaculate daily.


i dont knw what else i can do. i already think mos of the things. now its really my husband effort to go and see the pycharist and do getting ues to the cold room in the hospital to masturbate.

isthere any additional ways i can help my husband.
i want to give the best shot and last try on him..im very tired and depress, i really have no additionl energy to tink.
 

fatfat

New Member
hi niki.

im sorry to hear that. i admire your courage that u are willingly to try and din give up on your husband. i think i not sure if i have the courage to pursue further.

i ask around and alot of people tell me this is very common men problem and it can be solved. but i dont knwo why my husband is the one that cant be solve.

niki, what kind of problems your husband is suffering. ED? or low sperm count? even if its ED, it stil can be solved and as long as both of u have great sexual life.

for me, its nothing, no sex life, my husband has all the probles, ED, prematue ejac, low sperm count, low mortatily. everythign.

so i dont think anybody can be worst off than me..
 

veiled78

New Member
Doll,

Yeah, I am coming back.

But frankly I don't feel like it cos it's been so long living apart and we are really comfortable with the arrangement.

It's just that we cannot remain in that state of limbo forever. We've got joint property and if we decide we can't live together anymore, better to divorce, sell the house and then each is free to go his / her own way.

So I'm actually going back to give the situation one final period of assessment.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Hi Niki, Missy Tan - I never liked to give myself too much pressure especially in things that are beyond my control. Knowing that my then husband had sexual related problem, I did not want to give us more pressure by wanting children. Go easy on yourself, on him.

Improving your sex life and having a baby are separate issues though they are linked. I encourage you to look at these two matters one after the other so that you two do not become overwhelmed. There is no quick fix and things don't improve overnight. Be patient and give these more time.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Veiled, I think you are more or less ready to face what you have to face
happy.gif
 

veiled78

New Member
Doll,

I think you are right. It hasn't been easy, but hey this is life, there are good times and there are bad times. Sometimes shit happens. As adults we just have to learn to deal with it in a mature manner and hopefully come out it all with dignity and self esteem intact.
 

veiled78

New Member
Doll,

May I ask you a very personal question? When you were with your ex-husband, did you find yourself going off sex after a while?

I used to have a fairly high drive but then, I realised now I can more or less live without it, and am indifferent to life with or without it. If I have a new relationship in future, I wonder if this would be a problem.
 

fatfat

New Member
helo doll and veiled.

are the both of u divoricing your husband already or in the process? is it really becos of sexual incompatibility that u guys decide to go separate way?
 

simpleman

Active Member
let's put it this way.

Yes, sexual compatibility is important. And is one of the factors in a good marriage but it is not the only factor.
 

remarry

New Member
Dear missy tan, I know what you have gone through.. when my ex and I went for IUI, the lab tech asked him, where is the semen...(when he had already 'ejaculated' into the collection container... After the numerous injections, painful uterine ultrasounds and tests and more tests and worry and stress... its our partners who do not try to put in effort and make it easier for us.

Doc told him to cut down smoking and lose some weight to increase sperm count... he din do anything..din even take the hormone pills the doc prescribe.

My SO IUI failed. so devastating... then my marriage went downhill all the way.

Worse thing is I saved up for IVF...about $10k... he took it and invested it away....(I saved every cent of that 10k, he din contribute at all!)

BTW, I am divorced.

I am not encouraging you to have a divorce...but just to let you know I understand what you have been going through. It is indeed hard..

For those who are passing harsh comments on how marriage is not based on sexual compatibility alone, I guess you din not go through the ardous route of SOIUI.. that is why you can say that. The pain of injecting yourself with a syringe everyday... the pain of being probed with a uterine ultrasound probe on alternate days for about 8 days...the stress and the fears... If you din go through, you wont understand. and for going through so much, it ended up a complete failure when your partner did not try at all!
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"I think you are right. It hasn't been easy, but hey this is life, there are good times and there are bad times. Sometimes shit happens. As adults we just have to learn to deal with it in a mature manner and hopefully come out it all with dignity and self esteem intact."

Veiled, there are some similarity in thoughts between us. One of my friends just commented how I can be so unaffected even when my life wasn't and isn't going smoothly. Well, most people hang on to negative thoughts and feel sad; they don't seem to be able to get out of the vicious circle. My experience has taught me to go by the other way - let go of unhappiness and focus on happiness.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"May I ask you a very personal question? When you were with your ex-husband, did you find yourself going off sex after a while? I used to have a fairly high drive but then, I realised now I can more or less live without it, and am indifferent to life with or without it. If I have a new relationship in future, I wonder if this would be a problem."

Veiled, I don't think you need to worry about this. Your original self will come back to you. You will also discover a new self. I believe you will like yourself better after you sort out what you have to sort out.
 


sgbabydoll

Active Member
Missy Tan, my ex-husband and I divorced more than 1.5 years ago. SM is right, that sexual compatibility is important in a good marriage but it is not the only ingredient for a good marriage.
 

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