Depressed

bruise

New Member
I dnt know how to start writing this post..all my thoughts and feelings are in a mess..i think im in a state of depression now..well here goes..

im 23 and my bf is 40,we hve been together for 1yr and a half now and will b getting married in may next yr.i love him v much and can't wait for the day that i will officially b his wife..but though im happy that we are going to gt married,i fil insecure n scared..insecure coz my bf hve mention bt breaking up many times,said v v hurtful things to me wen we had arguments last times and that makes me feel that I dnt hve a strong standing in our r/s..n ontop of that my bf is finding a flat to rent for him n his mum now(currently he's staying w his sis bt not on gd terms w his sis so he wants to rent a flat)
n he wants me to share half of the mthly rental w him.Im so stressed w his request coz i cant be able to help him.my take hum pay 2k only and i hv responsibilities to tend to(im divorcee w 1 4yr old son).If I share the mthly rental w him,lets say arnd $700 ea mth im left w 1.3k n i stil hve to gv my parents their allowance coz im stying with them now n I hve a son to feed also N im also saving up for our wedding..Im scared to tell him that i cant help.My bf take hum pay is 2k also..he's a temperamental guy.if i tell him that i cant help he will definitely b angry w me,to the extent of not answering my calls and msgs..
 


bruise

New Member
two piece,my bf wants me to help him with d rental.i feel angry wit him but i cant voice it out to him coz everytime i try to talk to him bout issues he always say that im trying to pick fight wit him..so stressed up already!!!!!watevea that im feeling i have to bottle up inside
 

simpleman

Active Member
ya.. think carefully.. a guy at that age sill so childish and temperamental .. probably trying to take advantage of you.

think carefully.. now before married already like this.. in the future how?
 

bruise

New Member
he said that he love me but I think I love him more than he loves me..At times I eva thought bt jus giving up on him but i dont dare to do it coz I love him even though he hurt me at times.N though I'm in a r/s I feel v lonely inside like I cant open up my feelings to him coz scared he'll get angry w me
 

cuclainne

New Member
then what is the point of holding on? where's the feeling of happiness and joy .. if you're in this situation now, i don't see how you'd think that marriage will change anything.
 

cuclainne

New Member
and there is little point in asking for people's advices when you're still stuck in the same place you are before and refusing to take a stand.

after looking at doll's links to your previous posts, i think you went into your current relationship a bit too soon after your divorce. perhaps you were craving for attention from someone .. not too feel alone .. and just when you were at your lowest, you probably met this guy and thought that he was sweeping you off your feet. please stop and rethink about how he's been treating you .. it won't stop after your marriage. why are you allowing yourself to continue to dwell in this misery - do you like it? there are some people who just loves being the victim .. are you one?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
R, I can also say I love you now, but do you believe it? No, you shouldn't, because there are no congruent behaviour or action to back up those words, which are at best, empty declarations.
 

vios

New Member
Hi R,

well, i have no solution for you but one. Be brave, and leave him for his unreasonable tantrums and verbal threats. No guy shld ever behave like him, cos' that is actually worse than a typical 16-yr old teenger, you know?

Don't seek happiness with a wedding, but with the guy whom you marrying.
 

advisor00

New Member
Hi R

You only 23, I seriously think you should step back and look at issue from a wider angle!

You can have a wonderful things ahead of your life and plenty of opportunities to meet wonderful guys in the coming years.

You are feelng inferior becos you know you're divorcee and so is your bf and he is taking that advantage onto you!

Stop...forget about this relationship for once and think.

Why can't you be happy just with your son?

Don't marry for marriage sake. One mistake is already enough.

Marry becos both party wants to care for each other for life regardless of the baggage each other party has.

Is this what you felt with this guy?
 

clipperjunk

New Member
given so many negatives which you have already pointed out, why do you even want to stay in this relationship....you mentioned he has a temper and you fear him to some extend, have you considered how he will treat or mistreat your son....you must always place your child's well being ahead of yours since he is so young.....get out of the relationship i would suggest....
 

powderful07

New Member
Where's the happiness that I'm supposed to see in the upcoming marriage?
Nothing...

Tons of depressing stuff...yes...

Let me tell you a story...

A woman was standing on a railway track with a train fast approaching...just when the train was about to hit her; she got rescued in the nick of the time by someone running over and carrying her to safety off the track...

When asked why she didn't run to either side of the tracks to avoid the collison...she said "I'm uncertain of which side of the track should I jump to...what if the train swerves to the direction that I'm jumping to?"

What's the moral of the story?
In your case...any options that you need to take to get off the tracks (your marriage) is good...It's staying on the track (your marriage) that'll kill you when the train (your husband) arrives...
 

saggitarian

New Member
since tots of leaving him actually did came up in your mind with even dilemma feelings,of your ex husband asking for a reconciliation.

this question actually is the easiest to solve.

let me ask you 1 question ?

Do your love your kid more or do you love your boyfriend more?

i can see that due to your history you are just afraid of rejection from the society once again. but history of experience has actually also teaches you that nothing is really so painful if you dare to face it. you just need encouragement and seeking strength from people around you to excercise your actions.

i can see that he is fillial to his mother as he actually has the intention of continue staying. meaning of which instead of one person controling you . now you have 2 person controlling your life . why i ask you dat question .. if you love your kid more . do your think your kid is xinfu with him when he cant even shower you with the proper love care and concern?

dont think too much on how you cannot live without him .. think more on how wonderful you can get rid this type of stress and give better life to your kid as soon as possible.
 

powder

Active Member
the biggest fact staring me in the face is... THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE...

this is where it all started... coupled with low self-esteem.

u know how special we all are? u probably dun... start from there. and pls stop having kids... u can't even figure yourself out, u're just gonna be dragging pple down with u...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Why does claim to love someone so much and can't wait to marry him when she cannot even say no to him?

No to joke or laugh about this. Just something that R should SERIOUSLY think about if she hasn't. And if she has, what is she going to do about it? Sweep it under the carpet and continue to marry him (because she loves him too much??)
 

kahlen

New Member
Actually I'm more worried about your son. Divorced parents and now there's a retarded father to be who doesn't seem to love his mom and I doubt he love the boy as well. Temperamental guy - low eq pig. Who knows if he will abuse your son

There are plently of better men out there for u. U sound like his sandbag for him to punch for another 20yrs before he go to his grave (I assumed he die at 60yrs) by then u are only 43yrs old
 

bruise

New Member
Sometimes I hate myself for not being strong enough to tell my bf off.Its like,I just keep bottling up all my anger,hurt n resentment inside coz I cant share wat i feel wit him
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
then.... why do u think he is a good lifetime partner for you? If he isn't, then why marry him? If you need companionship, what's wrong with being friends?

WHAT IS THE MOTIVATION TO MARRY HIM?
 

saggitarian

New Member
the way u question ppl is so CID style. not everyone can wake up by your this type of pressuring.

there is also no logical right or wrong when it come to the field of love.

since she has already know what she wants. she just lack of the courage to carry out what she beliefs. cant you just give her a break?
 

powder

Active Member
hi R,

ya i know, u're not alone in feeling that way... alot of us fear loneliness... it's not an easy feeling to deal with, but we sorta gotta learn to deal with it from time to time, sometimes for long stretches of our lives... in school, at home, in relationships...

actually these pariods are more for us to have time with Ourselves, more than anyone else. ya, it's scary, yet, it is so necessary... for u to know the real R inside, how she feels, what she wants, what she hopes for...

it's not gonna be easy for u to face being alone, but if u believe that your life can be better, that your life can be happier... then it's a path u'll have to take sooner, rather than later...

for now, why not u start with that? deciding if u want to be happy... dun worry abt whether u deserve, becos i'm telling u that even the ants crawling around deserves to be happy.

happiness is a feeling that is so wonderful u cannot replace it... it is something u can carry even as u past death... u just gotta taste it often enough to realise that it is simply - a decision. If u wanna be Happy, nobody can stop u, nor tell u No... Nobody.

start from there... u need to make that decision... do u wanna be happy?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Please enlighten me on what I should be giving her a break from? She is pouring her heart out on her problems on how she want so badly to marry this man that she fear to even say no to.

I gather that to you, pointing this out so that she can ponder and think of it is TOO MUCH for her. And to me, this is NOT CID style. She isn't detained and I don't have her deprived nor restricted from anything. Maybe to u, its different. I respectfully accept that. But can't help to suspect u probably find so many CIDs in your life then.

Yes, there is no right or wrong in the matters of heart. But, what's your point? That just because there isn't a simple solution, she should continue to dwell in misery that she literally put herself through? While neither of us have the answers for her. But, I will point it out to her to realize it is also partially her own doing. No?

These questions are not the answers. It is meant for one to rediscover what they really need and want in their life. If these questions has no meaning to her, fine. But, if it does, it will get her thinking. The final answers comes from no where but from within herself.

Maybe you could offer some help for her instead. Trying to determine if advises given are too CID style or not isn't going to be helpful right?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Qwerty, we asked her questions that she didn't even dare ask herself. Nobody was interrogating her lah. Relax ok. Anyway, the answers that she provided could serve as self-discovery or points for pondering. So, why not?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
my bad... I had missed your post at 5:52 am.

it be helpful to continue focusing on the advises for R. No?

Hopefully, she would sort out her thoughts and know more clearly where she is heading her life.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
R, you have words but you cannot say it to your bf, doesn't that make you feel lonely even though, technically, you are with him. You are not alone as the worlds sees it, you are even going to get hitched. You are not unwanted in people's eyes. But that does not make you feel any less lonely and you are helpless about it. If leaving him is too drastic a move for you now, at least don't rush to get married.
 

spyder

Member
my 2 cents worth, better to really think properly about it.. dont rush into it.. other than the sharing of rental part, which i dont really agree you should share, but staying together first will give you a taste of whats to come, maybe observe how things develop, rather than rush into marriage.. good luck..
 

noknok

New Member
I suggest that you go for marriage preparation couse before really tying the knot. You may discover different things and really open your eyes up.

I've heard of couples that din make it through the MPC. Maybe it's during the course that they realise they can't be together for life. It might jus help you.
 

saggitarian

New Member
......

she doesnt need a mariage preparation course. she know wat she wants she just can bear herself to act on it as she do not wan to face the consequences alone .. nok u get the idea ?
 

cherrygirl

New Member
Hi R..
after reading ur current thread and ur previous threads , i believe u already know in ur heart what is good for you and what is bad for you..
judging from all ur threads, u already know he is not treating u well...
i guess the reason u wanna post again is becos either u wanna hear from us to "motivate" u to leave him ? or give u advice on how to make him stop ill-treating u ? or how to make him change to be a better hubby?
if u continue to stay on with him, will u feel unlonely? can u change him?
If u let this goes on, u will be coming back here to pour ur sorrows again.. then we will be giving u the same advices again..
u still young.. and do u want to come back with similar posts on how he ill-treat u when u are 25, 26, 27.. ?
 

noknok

New Member
The thing is she still wanna go through with the marriage. Someone has to give her a hand to really make her decide what is good for her.
 
you have a failed marriage, and u should know even better. will this relationship realli work out? yes, he may love u. but mayb he love someting else more then he realli love u?

jus like my previous bf. he love me. but he love himself more then he love me. everiting he does is to put his own interest first. girl, u are the one who will be suffering in the future.

even before marriage, u have so much to say, have so much to complain but didnt dare to voice out. wad's more in the marriage? it will bcome worst.

no point to feel afraid of being lonely, hence just hang on to ani guy that comes along. he's not the one and so leave him. u still have a child. how do u wan your child to tink when he's grown up?

1 day u will feel that u have enuff of this nonesense, and u will ask for divorce. and divorce again? how gd isit for ur child.
 

feelingdown

New Member
Hi, this is my first posting in this forum. I'm currently finalising my Annulment. I've been feeling depressed since few months back, and is still suffering from occasional emotional attacks. I duno how to occupy my time, esp on weekends. I feel that i need more friends and support. Most of my friends are married, some have kids too. Can anyone advise on how I can occupy my time and what activities I can participate in order to widen my social circle? Anyone in the same situation as me?
 

hungrydog

New Member
Dawn, well I just also broke up and v bored as well.. I go gym to work out and walk my dog at the beach(alone now). Go join a gym or even yoga(i dun), maybe you get to know some girlfds and hang ard with them?

V good to keep a pet but must be ready for long time commitment..
 

blackforest

New Member
Hi Dawn, I went thru what you have gone thru. What I did was:
Shopping, going out with friends, listening to talks/seminars, picking up new hobbies, exercising, travelling, playing computer games, watching movies etc.
 

vane

New Member
Dawn,
It is normal to feel depressed after ending your marriage, but do take time to ponder over what you want out of life. Find your self-worth and start working towards your goals in life. It is wonderful to have a life partner, but when that person chooses to move on without you...you should move on as well. There is no point in lingering in the past.

You can also find joy in doing things on your own. There is no need for a conscious effort to widen your social circle. When the right person is destined to come into your life, I am sure you will meet him/her some where and some time.

Do not feel despair, ok? Brighten up and happiness will come your way.
 

feelingblue

New Member
It is also the end of the marriage for me. There are simply too many differences between the both of us. It takes both hands to clap. Similarly, when the marriage breaks down, both are at fault. We want different things; We are both stubborn. Maybe we should not have come together in the first place. We always remember the ugly sides of each other when we quarrel and say nasty things to each other. We do patch up initially but things get too frequent until there comes a point in time that you feel that patching up will not solve the problem. Perhaps it is better to let go.

I feel so tired, so depressed. Maybe we are really not meant for each other. The worst thing is everyone around us seems to think that we are perfect for each other. Guess that no one will expect both of us to come to this stage. It is so easy to say that we are going to file a divorce but I do not know what to expect after that. Will I be able to take it? Will I be able to go to work normally? How long will it take for me to recover from this saga? I have lots of question marks.

It is not that we dont have feelings for each other. It is just that we want different things. We tried to accommodate each other but guess that that only work in the short run and not the long run. It has been only less than 3 years. But I know this time, this is really the end. I am so tired and depressed.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
looking from another perspective, this episode have make u realize that you really want and need.
 

feelingblue

New Member
maybe you are right. it is better to let go. Although I really do not know what I will be facing in the future. Can I be independent enough? Will I get the support from family and friends? It is like entering a tunnel and not knowing what lies in front. But I do feel so tired. I was driving aggressively in the morning when I realised that I was being stupid. I still have a life to live and I should not be endangering the lives of others. But at this moment, I feel so lost now. Where can I go next? I dont want to go home, neither do I want to go to my parent's place.
 

danihaw

New Member
Xanax is one of those medicines which help in relieving anxiety and depression, but this medicine should only be used for small duration as this is habit forming drug and sometimes the withdrawal symptoms can be more depressing. The withdrawal from this medicine is a slow and gradual process rather than abrupt. Xanax works by slowing down the nervous system and hence relieves anxiety. You can have all necessary information about this on http://www.xanax-effects.com The best way to get over anxiety and depression is to take a break from your regular schedule, go out, and take good sleep. This helps in clearing the mind and try consulting a specialist who can suggest you as how you can get over your problem.
 


lovingyou

New Member
R: You mentioned that you fear being alone; hence is it your fear or your love that stops you from voicing out your true opinions, your willingess to stand up for yourself? You are afraid of him in a r/s, "what if" he bullies your child one day, will you be afraid to stand up against him as well? He is renting a flat with his mum, if he can't afford it, can't he compromise for that while till the marriage? You mentioned that you are saving for your wedding with him, is it a mutual action? Don't jump into a marriage that easily.. Marriage is a big word that needs a lot of thinking-through.
 

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