confused_carebear
New Member
The story that I will be sharing will seem bizarre and outrageous. Pls bear with me as I really need an outlet to relieve my misery & sorrow and also to seek some advice on my next course of action.
I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely kids now. During our courtship days, I have already knew that my husband is possessive, a control freak and a MCP. Yet, I decided to marry him as he was able to give me a sense of security due he is 11 years older than me and I thought he will be loving and caring towards me even after marriage. I realised that this sense of security does not translate to happiness. His possessiveness made me lost my freedom completely. Also, I have higher sex drive and have been the one to initiate intimacy all the time and this has been one of the cause of conflict between us. Besides, there is also the generation gap and lack of chemistry between us and this causes communication breakdown.
Our marriage started to turn sour when we were in our 2nd year of marriage with the constant argument and conflict over trivial things. I suggested to plan to set up family since both of us love kids but I have been naïve to think that by having a child, things will change for the better. I am utterly wrong with this perception. When my first child was born, he decided to quit his full time job and switched to a freelance job with more flexibility but no stable income. Things started to get worse and we always ended up quarrelling over the baby/financial matters. I felt that he is just making use of me to have his child as he became possessive over the child. He would pick at me and find fault with whatever I do. I don't have any say in anything and don't have the chance to voice out my opinion. He just expects me to obey and listen to every decision he makes. I recognise that he should be the one to make decisions in the family, but at least he should accept some of my inputs rather than totally shut me down. I'm always the inferior party in his eyes, not capable of doing things right, not fit to be his wife and be a good mother, always going against his wishes, cannot think properly/wisely. He doesn’t treat me as his wife at all. He’ll just yell at me over the slightest thing that make him angry. Nothing I do or say will make him pleased.
It was at this point that my ex-boyfriend who was already married when I first knew him entered my life again. He claimed that he had divorced his wife and would like to reconcile with me, knowing the situation I was in. However, he did not encourage me to divorce and I jolly well knew that he just wanted me to be his lover. He was able to satisfy me sexually as I have a rather high sex drive. He made me feel like a complete woman and made me forget my misery. My affair continued for a year and I got pregnant by accident. Though I was still having sex with my husband as he had his needs too, I knew that the baby belonged to my ex as we did not use contraception. I was feeling lost and helpless at that time. I was against abortion all these while and I stood by this principle. I decided to keep the child. When I broke the news to my husband that i was pregnant, he was suspicious as he had used contraceptives. But he soon got over it as he was happy that i can produce another baby for him.
Ever since the birth of my 2nd child 2 years ago, I continued to be subject to emotional and verbal abuse to a greater extent, even during my pregnancy. In fact, I had a false alarm for pre-mature delivery due to emotional stress that he put me through. He has been treating me like a complete stranger or even like an enemy. Whatever things i do or say will piss him off. He is just fond of barking at me like a mad dog over small issues and blowing things out of proportion. He always scold me more than he talks to me and he rather talk to the maid or to convey messages through her. Those harsh words that he always use on me like "idiot", "stupid", "useless", "shut up", "get lost" are piercing deep into my heart. I don't wish to argue or defend myself as i know that will make him more mad. It's always one way traffic of communication.
That’s why I simply shut up and don’t communicate with him, unless really necessary. I thought I can try to understand his current situation, jobless and not having stable income. He could be feeling inferior that I’m earning more than him with a stable job. But as time goes by, I really think that I’m just a nuisance & eye sore to him. I think he gets high just by condemning and belittling me, even in front of his own mother & the maid. I do not know how can a marriage last without mutual understanding & communication. What i see is a long and black face every day. I can only look forward to see the 2 kids when i get back home from work.
He has no feelings for me anymore. Perhaps he has a change of heart and simply disregard me as his wife. Of course I know the priority now is the 2 kids. We should put everything else above them. But he has totally disregard our relationship as husband and wife. My only way of communicating with him is through email or sms. I try to avoid face to face talk with him as i will end up to be the one facing the music. I’m always pondering whether there is any chance of reconciliation. I ever wrote him a long email suggesting that we approach a marriage counsellor who is a neutral party to see if he/she can help to resolve our differences/conflict. I'm just trying to salvage the marriage for the kids' sake. I don't want them to live in an incomplete family. But his only reply was that he still expected me to listen to him and trust his judgements when it comes to decision making. Given his high ego and strong-headed character, being a typical MCP, he won’t want to go thru’ counseling.
My deep dark secret is still keep in the wrap for now. I have not told anyone about this yet. I don’t have any confidence that my ex will take any responsibility as I suspect his family is still in tact and he is not ready to make any commitment at this moment. I’m in total loss and confusion. I don’t deny the fact that my husband really dotes on the 2 kids and he’s a loving and responsible father. I can’t bear the thought of them not being showered with fatherly love. But it’s obvious that I don’t have a place in his heart anymore. The 2 kids are his top priority and it makes no difference whether I’m around or not.
Why is it that I have to go through all these? Is it just my bad luck & fate? Is it my retribution for being unfaithful and cheating behind his back? It’s just a vicious cycle. The more unreasonable/nasty he is, the more I want to betray him. I really do not know what will be the ultimate resolution to this and i'm in a real dilemma. If I let the cat out of the bag, I have to face the worst scenario that he might just go crazy and even kill me, I don’t dare to think about what will happen. If I spill the bean and he knows that he’s not the natural father, I will end up losing my elder son which is not my intention. I’m just living by the day now. My conscience tells me that I shouldn’t be using sexual activity to drown my sorrow away. But it’s just my urge/desire/drive that gets the better of me and it has reached a stage that I can’t resist the temptations. I'm still struggling emotionally to find out if i have stopped loving my husband and my feelings for my ex has been rekindled. To put it bluntly, i'm really screwed up (pardon my language).
I think I have 2 options now :
1) Stop seeing my ex completely and try to reconcile with my husband before giving it up totally. At least I can be convinced that he is not worth my effort to salvage the marriage. I guess I have to continue to accept the fact that he is unbalanced internally with psychological problem. For the kids’ sake, I have to bear with the difficulties/hardship in living with him under the same roof. It’s a matter of thinking positively. At least it will make my life easier and happier and less miserable for now.
2) File for divorce to shorten the suffering. When I decided to keep the younger one, I told myself that I’ve to be prepared for whatever the conequences and be responsible for my actions. I know that he will fight for both the children and i have to be prepared to lose one of them.
Pardon me for writing such a long story. I need to get the frustration/misery out of my chest. This secret and marital problem has been haunting me the past 2 years.
I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely kids now. During our courtship days, I have already knew that my husband is possessive, a control freak and a MCP. Yet, I decided to marry him as he was able to give me a sense of security due he is 11 years older than me and I thought he will be loving and caring towards me even after marriage. I realised that this sense of security does not translate to happiness. His possessiveness made me lost my freedom completely. Also, I have higher sex drive and have been the one to initiate intimacy all the time and this has been one of the cause of conflict between us. Besides, there is also the generation gap and lack of chemistry between us and this causes communication breakdown.
Our marriage started to turn sour when we were in our 2nd year of marriage with the constant argument and conflict over trivial things. I suggested to plan to set up family since both of us love kids but I have been naïve to think that by having a child, things will change for the better. I am utterly wrong with this perception. When my first child was born, he decided to quit his full time job and switched to a freelance job with more flexibility but no stable income. Things started to get worse and we always ended up quarrelling over the baby/financial matters. I felt that he is just making use of me to have his child as he became possessive over the child. He would pick at me and find fault with whatever I do. I don't have any say in anything and don't have the chance to voice out my opinion. He just expects me to obey and listen to every decision he makes. I recognise that he should be the one to make decisions in the family, but at least he should accept some of my inputs rather than totally shut me down. I'm always the inferior party in his eyes, not capable of doing things right, not fit to be his wife and be a good mother, always going against his wishes, cannot think properly/wisely. He doesn’t treat me as his wife at all. He’ll just yell at me over the slightest thing that make him angry. Nothing I do or say will make him pleased.
It was at this point that my ex-boyfriend who was already married when I first knew him entered my life again. He claimed that he had divorced his wife and would like to reconcile with me, knowing the situation I was in. However, he did not encourage me to divorce and I jolly well knew that he just wanted me to be his lover. He was able to satisfy me sexually as I have a rather high sex drive. He made me feel like a complete woman and made me forget my misery. My affair continued for a year and I got pregnant by accident. Though I was still having sex with my husband as he had his needs too, I knew that the baby belonged to my ex as we did not use contraception. I was feeling lost and helpless at that time. I was against abortion all these while and I stood by this principle. I decided to keep the child. When I broke the news to my husband that i was pregnant, he was suspicious as he had used contraceptives. But he soon got over it as he was happy that i can produce another baby for him.
Ever since the birth of my 2nd child 2 years ago, I continued to be subject to emotional and verbal abuse to a greater extent, even during my pregnancy. In fact, I had a false alarm for pre-mature delivery due to emotional stress that he put me through. He has been treating me like a complete stranger or even like an enemy. Whatever things i do or say will piss him off. He is just fond of barking at me like a mad dog over small issues and blowing things out of proportion. He always scold me more than he talks to me and he rather talk to the maid or to convey messages through her. Those harsh words that he always use on me like "idiot", "stupid", "useless", "shut up", "get lost" are piercing deep into my heart. I don't wish to argue or defend myself as i know that will make him more mad. It's always one way traffic of communication.
That’s why I simply shut up and don’t communicate with him, unless really necessary. I thought I can try to understand his current situation, jobless and not having stable income. He could be feeling inferior that I’m earning more than him with a stable job. But as time goes by, I really think that I’m just a nuisance & eye sore to him. I think he gets high just by condemning and belittling me, even in front of his own mother & the maid. I do not know how can a marriage last without mutual understanding & communication. What i see is a long and black face every day. I can only look forward to see the 2 kids when i get back home from work.
He has no feelings for me anymore. Perhaps he has a change of heart and simply disregard me as his wife. Of course I know the priority now is the 2 kids. We should put everything else above them. But he has totally disregard our relationship as husband and wife. My only way of communicating with him is through email or sms. I try to avoid face to face talk with him as i will end up to be the one facing the music. I’m always pondering whether there is any chance of reconciliation. I ever wrote him a long email suggesting that we approach a marriage counsellor who is a neutral party to see if he/she can help to resolve our differences/conflict. I'm just trying to salvage the marriage for the kids' sake. I don't want them to live in an incomplete family. But his only reply was that he still expected me to listen to him and trust his judgements when it comes to decision making. Given his high ego and strong-headed character, being a typical MCP, he won’t want to go thru’ counseling.
My deep dark secret is still keep in the wrap for now. I have not told anyone about this yet. I don’t have any confidence that my ex will take any responsibility as I suspect his family is still in tact and he is not ready to make any commitment at this moment. I’m in total loss and confusion. I don’t deny the fact that my husband really dotes on the 2 kids and he’s a loving and responsible father. I can’t bear the thought of them not being showered with fatherly love. But it’s obvious that I don’t have a place in his heart anymore. The 2 kids are his top priority and it makes no difference whether I’m around or not.
Why is it that I have to go through all these? Is it just my bad luck & fate? Is it my retribution for being unfaithful and cheating behind his back? It’s just a vicious cycle. The more unreasonable/nasty he is, the more I want to betray him. I really do not know what will be the ultimate resolution to this and i'm in a real dilemma. If I let the cat out of the bag, I have to face the worst scenario that he might just go crazy and even kill me, I don’t dare to think about what will happen. If I spill the bean and he knows that he’s not the natural father, I will end up losing my elder son which is not my intention. I’m just living by the day now. My conscience tells me that I shouldn’t be using sexual activity to drown my sorrow away. But it’s just my urge/desire/drive that gets the better of me and it has reached a stage that I can’t resist the temptations. I'm still struggling emotionally to find out if i have stopped loving my husband and my feelings for my ex has been rekindled. To put it bluntly, i'm really screwed up (pardon my language).
I think I have 2 options now :
1) Stop seeing my ex completely and try to reconcile with my husband before giving it up totally. At least I can be convinced that he is not worth my effort to salvage the marriage. I guess I have to continue to accept the fact that he is unbalanced internally with psychological problem. For the kids’ sake, I have to bear with the difficulties/hardship in living with him under the same roof. It’s a matter of thinking positively. At least it will make my life easier and happier and less miserable for now.
2) File for divorce to shorten the suffering. When I decided to keep the younger one, I told myself that I’ve to be prepared for whatever the conequences and be responsible for my actions. I know that he will fight for both the children and i have to be prepared to lose one of them.
Pardon me for writing such a long story. I need to get the frustration/misery out of my chest. This secret and marital problem has been haunting me the past 2 years.