Deep dark secret

The story that I will be sharing will seem bizarre and outrageous. Pls bear with me as I really need an outlet to relieve my misery & sorrow and also to seek some advice on my next course of action.

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely kids now. During our courtship days, I have already knew that my husband is possessive, a control freak and a MCP. Yet, I decided to marry him as he was able to give me a sense of security due he is 11 years older than me and I thought he will be loving and caring towards me even after marriage. I realised that this sense of security does not translate to happiness. His possessiveness made me lost my freedom completely. Also, I have higher sex drive and have been the one to initiate intimacy all the time and this has been one of the cause of conflict between us. Besides, there is also the generation gap and lack of chemistry between us and this causes communication breakdown.

Our marriage started to turn sour when we were in our 2nd year of marriage with the constant argument and conflict over trivial things. I suggested to plan to set up family since both of us love kids but I have been naïve to think that by having a child, things will change for the better. I am utterly wrong with this perception. When my first child was born, he decided to quit his full time job and switched to a freelance job with more flexibility but no stable income. Things started to get worse and we always ended up quarrelling over the baby/financial matters. I felt that he is just making use of me to have his child as he became possessive over the child. He would pick at me and find fault with whatever I do. I don't have any say in anything and don't have the chance to voice out my opinion. He just expects me to obey and listen to every decision he makes. I recognise that he should be the one to make decisions in the family, but at least he should accept some of my inputs rather than totally shut me down. I'm always the inferior party in his eyes, not capable of doing things right, not fit to be his wife and be a good mother, always going against his wishes, cannot think properly/wisely. He doesn’t treat me as his wife at all. He’ll just yell at me over the slightest thing that make him angry. Nothing I do or say will make him pleased.

It was at this point that my ex-boyfriend who was already married when I first knew him entered my life again. He claimed that he had divorced his wife and would like to reconcile with me, knowing the situation I was in. However, he did not encourage me to divorce and I jolly well knew that he just wanted me to be his lover. He was able to satisfy me sexually as I have a rather high sex drive. He made me feel like a complete woman and made me forget my misery. My affair continued for a year and I got pregnant by accident. Though I was still having sex with my husband as he had his needs too, I knew that the baby belonged to my ex as we did not use contraception. I was feeling lost and helpless at that time. I was against abortion all these while and I stood by this principle. I decided to keep the child. When I broke the news to my husband that i was pregnant, he was suspicious as he had used contraceptives. But he soon got over it as he was happy that i can produce another baby for him.

Ever since the birth of my 2nd child 2 years ago, I continued to be subject to emotional and verbal abuse to a greater extent, even during my pregnancy. In fact, I had a false alarm for pre-mature delivery due to emotional stress that he put me through. He has been treating me like a complete stranger or even like an enemy. Whatever things i do or say will piss him off. He is just fond of barking at me like a mad dog over small issues and blowing things out of proportion. He always scold me more than he talks to me and he rather talk to the maid or to convey messages through her. Those harsh words that he always use on me like "idiot", "stupid", "useless", "shut up", "get lost" are piercing deep into my heart. I don't wish to argue or defend myself as i know that will make him more mad. It's always one way traffic of communication.

That’s why I simply shut up and don’t communicate with him, unless really necessary. I thought I can try to understand his current situation, jobless and not having stable income. He could be feeling inferior that I’m earning more than him with a stable job. But as time goes by, I really think that I’m just a nuisance & eye sore to him. I think he gets high just by condemning and belittling me, even in front of his own mother & the maid. I do not know how can a marriage last without mutual understanding & communication. What i see is a long and black face every day. I can only look forward to see the 2 kids when i get back home from work.

He has no feelings for me anymore. Perhaps he has a change of heart and simply disregard me as his wife. Of course I know the priority now is the 2 kids. We should put everything else above them. But he has totally disregard our relationship as husband and wife. My only way of communicating with him is through email or sms. I try to avoid face to face talk with him as i will end up to be the one facing the music. I’m always pondering whether there is any chance of reconciliation. I ever wrote him a long email suggesting that we approach a marriage counsellor who is a neutral party to see if he/she can help to resolve our differences/conflict. I'm just trying to salvage the marriage for the kids' sake. I don't want them to live in an incomplete family. But his only reply was that he still expected me to listen to him and trust his judgements when it comes to decision making. Given his high ego and strong-headed character, being a typical MCP, he won’t want to go thru’ counseling.

My deep dark secret is still keep in the wrap for now. I have not told anyone about this yet. I don’t have any confidence that my ex will take any responsibility as I suspect his family is still in tact and he is not ready to make any commitment at this moment. I’m in total loss and confusion. I don’t deny the fact that my husband really dotes on the 2 kids and he’s a loving and responsible father. I can’t bear the thought of them not being showered with fatherly love. But it’s obvious that I don’t have a place in his heart anymore. The 2 kids are his top priority and it makes no difference whether I’m around or not.

Why is it that I have to go through all these? Is it just my bad luck & fate? Is it my retribution for being unfaithful and cheating behind his back? It’s just a vicious cycle. The more unreasonable/nasty he is, the more I want to betray him. I really do not know what will be the ultimate resolution to this and i'm in a real dilemma. If I let the cat out of the bag, I have to face the worst scenario that he might just go crazy and even kill me, I don’t dare to think about what will happen. If I spill the bean and he knows that he’s not the natural father, I will end up losing my elder son which is not my intention. I’m just living by the day now. My conscience tells me that I shouldn’t be using sexual activity to drown my sorrow away. But it’s just my urge/desire/drive that gets the better of me and it has reached a stage that I can’t resist the temptations. I'm still struggling emotionally to find out if i have stopped loving my husband and my feelings for my ex has been rekindled. To put it bluntly, i'm really screwed up (pardon my language).

I think I have 2 options now :

1) Stop seeing my ex completely and try to reconcile with my husband before giving it up totally. At least I can be convinced that he is not worth my effort to salvage the marriage. I guess I have to continue to accept the fact that he is unbalanced internally with psychological problem. For the kids’ sake, I have to bear with the difficulties/hardship in living with him under the same roof. It’s a matter of thinking positively. At least it will make my life easier and happier and less miserable for now.

2) File for divorce to shorten the suffering. When I decided to keep the younger one, I told myself that I’ve to be prepared for whatever the conequences and be responsible for my actions. I know that he will fight for both the children and i have to be prepared to lose one of them.

Pardon me for writing such a long story. I need to get the frustration/misery out of my chest. This secret and marital problem has been haunting me the past 2 years.


New Member
there was no retribution, you married him despite his personality; eyes wide open as you mentioned....the affair was also something you knew to be morally's simply a case of wrong choices.....why do you need to live in misery, divorce is fine, just share custody and nobody is the wiser....


New Member
Its not bad luck or fate, its simply wrong choices.

You married an MCP and he turned out that way.

U din use protection with yr lover and u got pregnant.

So nothing to do with luck or fate.

Just move on and try to find happiness, everyone deserves to be happy.

Good luck


New Member
personally . i think your problem is too complicated for anyone here to give you any advice.

i will rather advice you to seek a professional cousellor.

this is because you didnt step back when you committed a mistake. mistake after mistake..its a big snowball now. so many parties are getting hurt..

1 thing to confirm with you . your younger kid same blood group with you or your husband?

btw it is not that you have a higher sex drive than him.. it is due to the age.. i deduce if not wrong .. he is at the menopause stage...
thanks for your comments.

I understand the snowballing effect..i should not have started the affair in the first place so that i won't get pregnant with the 2nd child...however, i have no regrets keeping the baby as it is really a joy to see him growing happily and healthily. I just condemn myself for failing & refusing to face the problem upfront. I should have filed for divorce before having the 2nd child & move on from there...less painful that way..

whenever i think about my problem, tears will start swelling in my eyes. During my confinement period, i was even feeling suicidal to the point of suffering from post-natal depression. Luckily, i managed to pick myself up again for the sake of the children.

my younger kid's blood group is the same as my ex. he's starting to look more and more like him.

any advice where i can seek professional counselling service?


New Member
so your ex blood grp is diff from ur hb I guess.
I really think you should sort these out and not wait for your younger kid to grow bigger by the day & then ur hb will suspect that this son is not his as you are saying that he is looking more & more like ur ex.

i think more impt is to come clean now then later. in case if ur hb turn abusive towards ur younger kid & use him as a channel for frustation.. this is not a joke.

this is not the end of the world yet, just think carefully of ur next steps...


New Member
Very complicated.
Your situation sounds similar to a friend's mother who had a son with her lover behind her hubby's back... she decided to file for divorce.

I think you need to think what you want to do.
do you still love your husband? are you able to reconcile with him? are u able to live with his personality?

If not, what do you want to do? Would a divorce be better for you? Or do you want to continue to "ren" bear with it?

i suppose you might be in your 30s and your hubby 40s. (read from some news reports that men's sexual performance peak at 18 while women at 30... hmm mismatch of biological clocks... some pple conveniently use this as a reason /an excuse for extra-marital affairs)

the two of you still have quite a long way to go... would the current situation be best for the two of you?

i agree with juski that even if you are not with you hubby anymore, you should not let him know that the 2nd child's biological father is not him... from the way you said that [he's possessive & a control freak, & how he might kill you] makes it sound like he would not be able to take the truth...

even though i always feel that it's best to be transparent with your loved ones, in this case, i think u need to consider your safety as well as your children's safety...


New Member
sadly, i agree u shld keep that secret forever. and also i gather that your ex does not know that he is the father of the child? what are the chances that one day he will see the child and realize that they look alike?

What about your parents or friends who know your ex and may one day realize that your 2nd child looks like him?

Hope there is very little chance of this happening. Do keep this secret forever. Prevent the further snowballing of pain if your child finds out, your husband finds out, your ex finds out, your parents find out, your friends find out, etc... not only social issue but legal as well don't you think. Since your hubby's name is obviously on your 2nd child's birth cert.
i've been tolerating for the past 2 years already. I thought i can still bear with his nasty temper/hostility towards me, for the children's sake. But it has reached almost my snapping point that i can't take it anymore. There's really no way for me to continue to live with his behaviour. He seems like a complete stranger to me now. Instead of prolonging my misery, why not i have a closure now? I know my innocent children will suffer with incomplete family. But i don't do something now, i will never find peace and happiness.

icycoldmaiden - u are right. I'm in my 30s and my husband is in his 40s already. There's mismatch of not just biological clock, also mentality and belief. It was really a case of wrong choice/judgement when i decided to marry him for security sake.

anyone knows lawyers who are good in fighting for child custody?


New Member
I think Option 1 is your best bet. I know it's difficult keeping the identity of your 2nd child's father a secret, but if the marriage is salvageable, you ought to do EVERYTHING you can to save it. For your kids, for yourself. In my books, this does not mean putting up with the nasty behaviour of your husband. TELL him how you feel, that a marriage without communication, kindness, love is doomed for failure, and you will not put up with it. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want to make your marriage work but you need his help too. Failing which, I guess you would have to resort to Option 2.

If you decide to go ahead with Option 2 (which I think you have), I hope you and your husband would be able to settle everything amicably, and ask for joint custody of your children. Make your husband see that that's the best solution for your children. Why separate them? Your children needs to know that just because their parents are not living together anymore doesn't mean that each of you have stopped loving them. It's probably too utopian of me, but I hope your husband will love your younger child just as much as his own after the divorce. Afterall, he has played the "father" role for several(?) years now.

Your children may or may not suffer from the divorce. Even without the divorce, their family is "incomplete" because of your relationship with your husband. One day your children will understand why you did what you did. As long as you love them all the same, they are none the worse for wear.

Also, if I were your ex-bf, I would want to know that I have fathered a child. Perhaps you could tell him that the child is his, but you don't expect anything from him. And if he does indeed have a family (ie not divorced), I think you should end things with him. You don't want to be the cause of a broken family.

The truth will set you free. Start anew.


New Member
Gather enuff evidence/information that children with u will be in gd hand. This will helps u on Child custody
tammyl, your comments do make alot of sense to me. Maybe i have not tried hard enough to understand why he is treating me like dirt. He could be in some difficulties/troubles that he has not shared with me. I will never expect him to have affair outside. It is wrong of me to start my affair in the first place, and i'm feeling the guilt & regret now. I have to redeem myself. With divorce always on my mind, it really pains me to see how happy the children are whenever we go out as a family during weekends, knowing that this happines might be short-lived.

Before i decide to throw the towel & proceed to file for divorce, i will make my last attempt to communicate with him on this issue. I really need to voice out my true feelings and hopefully we can reach some compromise/consensus. My ultimate aim is to keep the family in tact. Actually, his own family has already broken down many years ago. His own brothers do not acknowledge him due to some personal issues. His parents are not officially divorced but they are also acting like complete strangers even though living under the same roof. I hope history will not repeat itself in his generation.


New Member
Everything happens for a reason. Before putting blame on anyone, ask yourself if you've given him all the best all this while. When he's feeling down and frustrated, have you done your part to communicate and understand what could be the reason and bring him back track? Before you have a relationship with another guy, have you ever spared a thought for each of your family members and anyone who cares for you?

Even if you decided to leave your husband, how sure are you that the new guy is gonna be your last? Whatever your decision is, you have to be responsible for your own action.

Frankly, if I'm in your husband's position, I think I should be the one to evaluate if you're still worth keeping as a wife. The mistake you've committed is far too much for me to accept.

Pardon me if this sounds too harsh.


New Member
Dear confused carebear,

I've read your case and as you elaborate more, things seem to fall into place.

Before you even consider shelling out the D-strategy, you must work out several issues.

I think you should know by now very well about your husband's character. It's pointless regretting over the choice to marry him, or for me to ask you to sit down and ask him why he is treating you like that.

People are wired to behave in certain ways due to their upbringing and how they justify, consciously or unconsciously, their actions. To your husband, scolding you and calling you bad names may be the norm or nothing unusual.

What is more important now, I feel, is for you to really have a serious talk with him, and tell him through all these years, you decide to keep quiet because of fear? But that his various behaviours have actually been hurting you badly.

Now, check his response and action. If he is still remains unchanged, or promises to change but reverts to his old actions, I think we have a big issue. You should then really ask yourself: Do you really want to spend your time and life suffering under such a tyrant?

With regards to your ex, I think that can be left aside for now, until after you have resolved your present situation. Getting back to him is a possibility but you have to consider the consequences and arrangements you have to make. Since on both sides, you will have step-children. In an Asian culture, this may not be an easy thing to accept so you certainly need to sort out this also.

In the meantime, take care and I wish you success. Do share more with us if you need a listening ear.