Dating / marrying a Divorcee

[whitetiramisu]

cuclainne,

you married a divorce guy and happily married and well loved.
happy for you

he has any kids from previous marriage?

how to manage?

 

[cuclainne]

no, he doesn't have any kids from the previous marriage but we have two now.

i find our relationship to be no different from anyone else's ..

 

[whitetiramisu]

yes, without kids from previous marriage is more "straightforward"

having kids, lots of complications in the future..

 

[cuclainne]

actually there are no complications unless you make it complicated yourself ..

before i met my husband, i had dated an ex-colleague who had been married twice .. has two kids from 1st marriage and 1 kid from 2nd marriage. it ended when we decided we would be better off as friends - i loved his children as if they were my own. i had the chance to meet up with him and the youngest one a few months ago - she couldn't remember me, after all it's been more than 7 years, but i still have that 'motherly' feeling for her.

 

[whitetiramisu]

hmm.. how can you do that??
i am not doubting you but surprise..

dont mind me asking, isnt there feeling of jealousy that he might care more for the kids than you?

how to face the kids of your partner, from previous marriage?

have you ever thought of , what if you happen to marry him and have kids of both your own, will there be times he might not be fair? or how to explain to your kids about the elder 3 "siblings"?

wish to hear your opinion. thanks

 

[cuclainne]

why shouldn't he care more for his kids? they are his flesh and blood after all - i don't see any need for jealousy or to possess his love only for myself. in fact, i would be very worried if he doesn't care for them ..

he's been married twice and i see that he does his best for all his children. anyways, i don't think of what-if .. it's been more than 7 years. it was nice while it lasted but that's the end of the chapter.

aiyah, why cannot co-exist?? my husband has one younger brother and two half-siblings (same father, different mother) - when i first got to know him, he carried photos of all his siblings in his wallet and he still does. he is welcome to come and go at his father's house .. stepmom and father has been married for more than 20 years - there is no need for any animosity!

if the parents can get along, then the kids can get along - it's only when parents start poisoning the minds of the young ones that feelings such as jealousy and anger will arise.

 

[whitetiramisu]

thanks cuclainne

 

[whitetiramisu]

there are a lot of people out there, advise not engage in a relationship with previous marriage baggage..

i think it is up to individual and both parties involved.

 

[miloice]

"dont mind me asking, isnt there feeling of jealousy that he might care more for the kids than you?"

hi, honestly, this is one thing that frustrates most guys. The natural instincts in many women to compare and compete themselves with every other aspects of the guy. Come on lor, he will have his passion on his hobbies and work and other interests as well. Also, the commitment to his family as a sibling and son to his parents, nephew to his uncles and aunties. Are you going to be jealous and compare with all these as well?

I know, a big part of it has to do with instinctive gender traits. But, we can and should rationalize them. A woman that doesn't basically hasn't grown up in that area. Also, it could be an indication of insecurity and lack of self esteem.... i.e. you do not even know where you place in his heart and is constantly needing assurances through your repeated comparisons. If you are comfortable and confident in your relationship, you wouldn't question or compare his affection towards his kids or folks. You would know he would come back to you and have no issues letting go.

I don't know about others, for me, this is very important that my partner learn to deal with her emotions internally. She can share with me and I be understanding and sensitive towards it. But, one needs to progress. Its a total no-no for a woman that is forever trying to compare and contest to the extend of trying to 'own' and 'dominate' his priorities and thoughts completely. Its unreal. Literally facing an over-age teen with never ending princess mentality 24/7.

 

[miloice]

to clarify, this is not a gender bashing thingy. Guys also like to compare on different things. Its an ego thing, again, should be rationalize. Many men punish and suppress their partner because of their own ego. Similarly, it is also something very unhealthy. In a way, the guy is still like a boy.

We should be aware of our traits and could be channel as a good motivational drive when managed properly.

 

[whitetiramisu]

Milo, got your point.

 

[tomasulu]

There is no right or wrong to what's essentially a preference. If u can't be with a person because he was divorced and has kids... then don't.

 

[miloice]

well, many people marry for the wrong reasons and some are not suited for marriage to begin with. Even after divorces, always victimizing themselves and blaming.

 

[whitetiramisu]

anyone to share how they manage their marriage with a divorcee with kids from previous marriage and kids of their own?

 

[flipflapfly]

my hubs is a divorcee with a 10 year old kid from previous marriage. I think I love her more that he does. We take her out since we started dating, I buy stuffs fr her, birthdays, etc.

she is a very very sweet n nice girl. I always remind hubs to be affirmative of his love for her when we dated, married, and esp whn I got preggy. I try to ensure my kids n her get along well.

But ever since hubs n I have own kids, he sees her less. Its always me asking him to bring her out... n she is also growing up n hubby finds it harder to relate to her.

Personally I dun have any issue at all, I love her v much and shes a very sweet child. N I really hope that she n my kids will grow up being close.

 

[texasholdem]

hi ee poh,

from your post http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/1654670.html?1311004991

u mentioned u hooked up with a ex? and now ur husband is a divorcee with a 10 yr old kid. are u cheating on ur current husband?

 

[trique]

Recently dating a man going through divorce. Its yet finalised... he claims and seems to have moved on.

Right from the start, he told me he is not ready for an emotionally intense relationship. Still, he has been active on the pursuit.. Eventually, we developed a physical relationship.. After that, he continues to be sweet, attentive and all. On the emotional front, i am holding back. Not sure, just not sure where everything is going...

These days, he kept bringing up the topic of what is our status and wanted to know where we stand. I have never once brought this up... I get the impression that he wants more commitment from me.

When i told him i am not sure if he is ready and the conversation gets intense, there is always no conclusion... Last night he was drunk and told me he loves me... i can't say the same back...

Pardon me if i am not making sense in my ranting.. Its all freaking confusing...

 

[flipflapfly]

hi TPK yes i married a divorcee and i hooked up with an ex.. yes u can say i am cheating on him.

 

[eddie77]

'i married a divorcee and i hooked up with an ex.. yes u can say i am cheating on him.'
Why make life so complicated?

 

[texasholdem]

maybe lifes are real boring , thats why need excitement to spice up their life

 

[eddie77]

These are just too much for me to take. I think there are more (other) things in life for us to enjoy and appreciate and to gain happiness from. Not such momentary enjoyment. Well, that's my view.

 

[simpleman]

Eddie,

You probably won't understand as you have not been there...

Humans have a tendency to self-destruct - especially when they do not see a great future from the standpoint of their current meaningless present.

And they probably won't understand why they did what they did in the aftermath of everything.

 

[eddie77]

Ya, true. But for *her, she chooses to be with that divorcee right? She knows what is coming and may have thought about the future she wants to have with him but why do this to mess up everything?

 

[simpleman]

Eddie, Wait till you fall "in love" again.. you probably wouldn't understand. there is no logic. You don't need a reason to love.. and you don't calculate the returns nor the consequences..

why not mess up? She probably in unhappy marriage that she cannot get out or don't know how to get out.. An affair will allow her to end it without having to do much.. Easy way out. But is it worth it, who can tell?

 

[flipflapfly]

Eddie, marrying a divorcee have nothing to do with my affair. Having a reason is my doing. Whn I got to know my husband, hes already a 2 year old divorcee.

 

[flipflapfly]

Also at the moment nothing is messed up, the only mess is the mess that my hubby gives me in these 10 years.. even before I had an affair.

 

[tomasulu]

Come on don't hold back. What mess did you get from divorcee husband?

 

[simpleman]

More like potential mess you going to give him and your family... and also your lover's family.

 

[miloice]

Its like standing in a landmine telling everyone its completely fine without realizing it will blow up any moment.

 

[matka]

Rather, *hoping* that it won't blow up.

 

[whitetiramisu]

trique,

is he ready for a relationship with you?
going through the divorce process is difficult and emotionally upset.

does he know where he wants to lead this relationship with you?

 

[trique]

hey.. herein lies the issue. He seems to want more but i am nt sure how ready he is. By action, he seems to be very involved, all weekends together and daily talks on weekdays..but by emotion, i am not sure..

He never gave me a definitive but he is getting possessive.. sticky...

 

[flipflapfly]

tomasulu, can i say that its a pain to even talk about it? his ex has a ppo against him, i din i was stupid! I bought all his lies, whn i married him, within a month i knew why his ex left him.

I only got to know him 2 years after his divorce.

 

[tomasulu]

So how long have you been married? Dont be with someone if u developed solidarity with the ex who left him. Not to mention feeling dumb for believing his lies. And you complicate things further by having an affair... I can only imagine how much pain you are going through now. Not the physical kind although I'm sure it was involved. you write well so you are not stupid. Don't throw your life away by living stupid.