Hi Scope Guy,
As what doLL mentioned earlier - I think we all need a break from each other.
I know I want an open option to marriage and kids - at this age I really have no reason to be closing anything out. I know I still like him very much - when I realized I got assigned the biggest project when I'm only 1 month into my job, I was so tempted to call him to tell him about it. But I held back, maybe he doesn't want to hear from me. So I tried to spread that joy amongst BFFs and my family - everyone was happy but deep inside, it was the different kind of joy with sharing it with him.
When it was something confusing for me, he would sit me down and talk me through things. When it was something that was upsetting me, he would give his best to make me happy again. When it was something that was truly joyous for me, he would cheer for me as well.
And that is why - it did pain me a lot to be bailed out of this relationship or his world when he told me he's very confused about what he wants with his life. He is very frustrated and he couldn't pinpoint what was frustrating. And then he told me I wasn't a source of frustration.
What gives? If I wasn't the source, why kick me out? But it doesn't seem he has unloved me a lot either.
To me, the whole situation is very confusing. There are times I think the whole relationship was a scam. There are times I believe he truly loved me, and still do - but he has to do this for my best interest, he doesn't want me to waste time while he wallow.
But if he had loved me, why would he do this to me? And if he doesn't harbour a little bit of hope of getting back together somewhere down the road, why did he want me to call him when I was at the lift lobby? All the things he did on the day of the breakup does not spell that he wants a true break from me. But then again, he did not contact me again thereafter - which is usually a sign he really needs time away from me i.e a real breakup.
All could be a lie. I wouldn't know, maybe he doesn't either.
There are times I think I overthink the whole situation - there are times I just want to switch if off and not think about it.
As mentioned previously - the only way to get out of the murky water is to wait in patience for the dirt to settle.
Sure - if you ask me what I would do at this moment, I would probably call him up and let him know he had been sorely missed and if we are still on the same page for the feelings we have for each other.
But I believe to a certain extent both of us are confused with the situation, or else we will not end up at the stage we are at. For me, I'm caught between my open options and my feelings for him - it's like a relationship you know at the back of your mind will be great but you are putting it down because of current circumstances. Or maybe I was brought up in a different way - that love is about not giving up in face of difficulties.
But how much does he love me? Probably enough to make a move on me and spend so many months trying to work out my thought process, my likes and dislikes, what I categorize as "desperate men" (he told me before he was worried about being branded as desperate by me because his marriage was dissolved for only 10 months when he came after me), but probably not enough to keep me within his options at this stage.
I don't think there are any complications to be risked at this stage because I'm so tired from all these hoohaa I need a break from dating for a while. But don't worry, I still love myself enough to be open to options.
There are times I find him weird. There are times I think he's fine. There are times I don't know if I know this person. I once spoke to G - that there are times I don't identify with this person. G told me, it's okay, give him some time, he used to be a really happy guy.
I don't know how to judge that because well, I only knew him after his divorce. But people who knew him before his divorce all said the same thing - that he was once a happy chap. My ex colleagues used to tell me when they see me, they feel like they are seeing a female version of him. I eventually even inherited the same nickname they used to give him - Energizer Bunny. People who have seen us hang out together says the same thing - those 2 matches really well.
There was once we ended up fighting in Starbucks (no the verbal kind, but the hitting kind)because I hit him on the back and he hit me back (and cycle continues) - and G's friend was just standing next to us in the queue staring in disbelief - 2 adults in corporate wear just behaving like 2 school kids. She stared in silence, to the point I got worried if she was mad at 2 of us for embarrassing her.
She told G thereafter, these 2's energy matches really well.
The irony is she wasn't the only person to say that. Some of his friends told him the same thing - the 2 of you matches really well. And the reason? They don't know either - just a gut feel.
Such is the irony of life.
He's a blackhole and I'm the sunshine? Hmmm. There are times I feel this way because I have to pull him off the ground - to the point that sometimes I find it hard to stay afloat. Majority of the time we are fine, just sometimes when he gets overwhelmed at work or his bad mood, I do get a dose or two of his baggages.
And that is reason why I do get mixed signals from him on who he is as a person in real. My brother said maybe he saw his former self in me and hence the attraction. I can't justify that, I never knew him before his marriage and I'm not him.
I wouldn't know if he can or cannot handle his ex-wife - but he did told me she was adamant about it. She was bringing up issues that she was unhappy with 6-7 years ago which he said he couldn't even remember saying/doing.
Guess when someone wants to leave you, anything is a reason - exact same situation as me. He wanted to leave - but till today I have no idea what was the real reason. It's painful, it's hurting and most of the time, you feel vulnerable because it seemed like he thought about it so long, and only to hit it in your face expecting you to accept it right on the spot.
And that was the reason why I'm still glad I did not say anything impulsive out of anger or hurt or confusion that day. At least it shows I still have a hold to my emotions to a certain extent - albeit the fact that I did cry really hard that day.
As what doLL mentioned, only time will tell if I deserve a slap or not since things did not end on an ugly note. I guess sometimes when the answer is not available, focus on something else.
Murphy's law: When you need a cab, you never find it. Just like the answer I still am seeking, but I can't find it.
It would have been better if he had said right in my face, into my eyes that he has stopped loving me, let's call it off. But who decides that everyone has to be ceremoniously dumped? I thought I deserved a better breakup line than him burying his face in his hands, eyes on the table and a whispered "Every decision in my brain tells me to call it off."
At this point in time, I can only tell myself to focus on the things that are truly important to me at present - my career, my upcoming exams (ok that's like 5 months away), my friends, my family and my abundant of dating opportunities out there.
Buffet right? LOL
At this point in time, I can't bring myself to communicate with him yet - I've done it twice over the last 2.5/3 weeks since our breakup. Too fast too frequent? I'm not sure either - there's hardly a yardstick for this.
Too much fun jumping too close? I seriously don't know what is the profile of me you are crafting over the other end of the computer. Hahaha
Bottomline: No instant gratification to that hole created in emotions when one is in state of confusion. It only brings upon disasterous outcomes that one might come to regret. I might be wrong, I might be right.
If I really am enjoying this love-hate story, I might actually be sitting down right outside his place every other day trying to ask him to take me back. Creating more hate in order to feel more love - that's what I call 'enjoying' a love-hate story. 
