bubblepuffs
New Member
Thanks Denise! That is erm..if I have anything concrete to update... ;-)
Dating / marrying a Divorcee
- Thread starter bluey_wind
- Start date
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Bubblepuffs
It seems you had mistaken that I was trying to tell you not to think of marriage in my post on 10 Feb 10.55am. Not at all. I was saying that I could understand why that guy would not consider marriage at least for now, which is rather sensible since he hasn't been out of his previous marriage long.
Well, dating divorcees may be challenging because we are not as enthuiastic about certain things that regular people are enthuiastic about.
It seems you had mistaken that I was trying to tell you not to think of marriage in my post on 10 Feb 10.55am. Not at all. I was saying that I could understand why that guy would not consider marriage at least for now, which is rather sensible since he hasn't been out of his previous marriage long.
Well, dating divorcees may be challenging because we are not as enthuiastic about certain things that regular people are enthuiastic about.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Hi Doll,
No worries
But thanks for coming back to clarify!
I would understand that dating divorcees can be challenging - I asked him before does he dislike marriages? He said no, when people get married, he is happy for them. And when his friends' marriages are on rocks, he would be the first to be there offer a shoulder because he said divorce is painful and no one should be made to go through it.
But for himself, he did say he cannot picture himself doing it again. He doesn't know if it will change but supposedly he would rather be conservative about the change to ensure I don't walk down a tunnel with no light at the end.
I do appreciate that - I'm not resenting. I'm glad he was honest, rather than telling me "oh we can give a try now I'm sure the scars will fade and we can progress as normal when the time comes" because he would rather have some good company now and deal with whatever that needs to come later.
In a way, I'm happy he spared a thought about my thoughts about future.
And I'm not saying I for sure will wed. I'm sure if I go out and date a regular single dude now, no one can predict too.
But the difference would be that options are opened. If something happens, it happens. Not that I'm saying from Day 1 we step into a r/s, we start planning the colour of the bricks of our house and the colour of the banquet table cloth. No I'm not into that kind of fantasy but I cannot seal my fate of having only one path if I want to be with him.
I do understand that it's not easy to picture another marriage when you are just out of one. When I break up with ex-es in the past, it's always about raising my hand up high and go "screw boys and relationships! who needs men to be happy?!", cuddle up with friends and family, go out and have fun to get them out of the system before I am ready for the next one.
Well of course I cannot compare my teeny pop past romances to the divorce he had. Bad marriage or not, it was a marriage after all - I'm sure he had in his mind to spend the rest of his life with the lady because he said divorce was never an option for him although he did felt the distance between his ex-wife and him were growing prior to the year she raised the divorce.
I guess the only thing I can do now is slowly move off while giving him the space. If it works out eventually, it's a bonus I guess. If not, at least I know I have yet to invest too much feelings..
No worries
I would understand that dating divorcees can be challenging - I asked him before does he dislike marriages? He said no, when people get married, he is happy for them. And when his friends' marriages are on rocks, he would be the first to be there offer a shoulder because he said divorce is painful and no one should be made to go through it.
But for himself, he did say he cannot picture himself doing it again. He doesn't know if it will change but supposedly he would rather be conservative about the change to ensure I don't walk down a tunnel with no light at the end.
I do appreciate that - I'm not resenting. I'm glad he was honest, rather than telling me "oh we can give a try now I'm sure the scars will fade and we can progress as normal when the time comes" because he would rather have some good company now and deal with whatever that needs to come later.
In a way, I'm happy he spared a thought about my thoughts about future.
And I'm not saying I for sure will wed. I'm sure if I go out and date a regular single dude now, no one can predict too.
But the difference would be that options are opened. If something happens, it happens. Not that I'm saying from Day 1 we step into a r/s, we start planning the colour of the bricks of our house and the colour of the banquet table cloth. No I'm not into that kind of fantasy but I cannot seal my fate of having only one path if I want to be with him.
I do understand that it's not easy to picture another marriage when you are just out of one. When I break up with ex-es in the past, it's always about raising my hand up high and go "screw boys and relationships! who needs men to be happy?!", cuddle up with friends and family, go out and have fun to get them out of the system before I am ready for the next one.
Well of course I cannot compare my teeny pop past romances to the divorce he had. Bad marriage or not, it was a marriage after all - I'm sure he had in his mind to spend the rest of his life with the lady because he said divorce was never an option for him although he did felt the distance between his ex-wife and him were growing prior to the year she raised the divorce.
I guess the only thing I can do now is slowly move off while giving him the space. If it works out eventually, it's a bonus I guess. If not, at least I know I have yet to invest too much feelings..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"I asked him before does he dislike marriages? He said no, when people get married, he is happy for them. And when his friends' marriages are on rocks, he would be the first to be there offer a shoulder because he said divorce is painful and no one should be made to go through it.
"But for himself, he did say he cannot picture himself doing it again. He doesn't know if it will change but supposedly he would rather be conservative about the change to ensure I don't walk down a tunnel with no light at the end."
I am not at all surprised that he feels this way about marriage. In fact, that's how I feel too, so as many of my divorced friends, though it isn't because we are against marriage. Perhaps having been there, done that, it's just not a priority or goal anymore.
"But for himself, he did say he cannot picture himself doing it again. He doesn't know if it will change but supposedly he would rather be conservative about the change to ensure I don't walk down a tunnel with no light at the end."
I am not at all surprised that he feels this way about marriage. In fact, that's how I feel too, so as many of my divorced friends, though it isn't because we are against marriage. Perhaps having been there, done that, it's just not a priority or goal anymore.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Hello Denise, Doll and Lya (and Cuclaine),
He met up with me 2 days ago (about 2 months after cool off). He told me he's been talking to friends and family - and they all hold the same opinion as I do that he should not be so fast to say no to marriage but don't jump into the next one so soon. He said he sat down and thought about it a lot, spoke to close friends and they encouraged him to let me know about his change in viewpoints.
He asked if I still have feelings for him. But the conversation we had were going around in circles (I just wanted him to be direct but it seemed it was hinting all over the place but never got to the bull's eye). So I plainly said "if you want a relationship with me, say it. Dowan, say it."
He said "I want!" I said it's just a one liner what is so hard. I told him I've expressed my views on marriage (to be open about it) and my views on kids (to be open about it). He said he has thought about that and he asked "but not now right..?"
To be honest I didn't really expect a change in response in 2 months..because he was so adamant about not changing. I told him that he freaked me out 2 months ago so I need time to adjust back.
He went "see..I do make adjustments."
:S
Am I over suspicious or is it that he is changing his viewpoint too fast?
I still have an issue with him sending his ex-wife a birthday gift last year. I asked him 2 days ago if he would continue sending. He said he don't know because 1) he doesn't have romantic feelings for her 2) he sent it because she sent him similar small gift for his birthday. He doesn't believe in holding grudges because life is too short for that.
Is that normal? I told him I spoke to a few divorcees and they don't contact their ex spouse unless necessary or even if they end up on friendly terms, it's usually a few years down the road. He said the situation doesn't really apply for him because when they filed for divorce, he had given up on working on the marriage already. It was considered an amicable one and he don't see the need to have bad blood with her. He said he understand she feels bad about the divorce as well so why make things ugly.
Hmmm. Any advice?
He met up with me 2 days ago (about 2 months after cool off). He told me he's been talking to friends and family - and they all hold the same opinion as I do that he should not be so fast to say no to marriage but don't jump into the next one so soon. He said he sat down and thought about it a lot, spoke to close friends and they encouraged him to let me know about his change in viewpoints.
He asked if I still have feelings for him. But the conversation we had were going around in circles (I just wanted him to be direct but it seemed it was hinting all over the place but never got to the bull's eye). So I plainly said "if you want a relationship with me, say it. Dowan, say it."
He said "I want!" I said it's just a one liner what is so hard. I told him I've expressed my views on marriage (to be open about it) and my views on kids (to be open about it). He said he has thought about that and he asked "but not now right..?"
To be honest I didn't really expect a change in response in 2 months..because he was so adamant about not changing. I told him that he freaked me out 2 months ago so I need time to adjust back.
He went "see..I do make adjustments."
:S
Am I over suspicious or is it that he is changing his viewpoint too fast?
I still have an issue with him sending his ex-wife a birthday gift last year. I asked him 2 days ago if he would continue sending. He said he don't know because 1) he doesn't have romantic feelings for her 2) he sent it because she sent him similar small gift for his birthday. He doesn't believe in holding grudges because life is too short for that.
Is that normal? I told him I spoke to a few divorcees and they don't contact their ex spouse unless necessary or even if they end up on friendly terms, it's usually a few years down the road. He said the situation doesn't really apply for him because when they filed for divorce, he had given up on working on the marriage already. It was considered an amicable one and he don't see the need to have bad blood with her. He said he understand she feels bad about the divorce as well so why make things ugly.
Hmmm. Any advice?
texasholdem
New Member
there will never ever be happiness. trust me
bubblepuffs
New Member
> Eliz: True that
> TPK: Wow that was direct. Any experience to share?
> TPK: Wow that was direct. Any experience to share?
texasholdem
New Member
send mi a private msg. i will tell u
texasholdem
New Member
if there's happiness, do you think there will be so many people grumbling in this forum?
texasholdem
New Member
precisely, happy people doesn't even bother to log in to this forum. for wat purpose? if u are healthy, do u see a doctor?
happy people like me do still come here, read other posts, try to give advice, make new friends, read and learn from others and while away boring hours late at night when ur bf is miles away, friends are sleeping, but u are still up cuz it is cool to be surfing with no one to disturb u
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Bubblepuffs, thanks for the great news
I don't see anything wrong in ex-spouses exchanging birthday gifts. It's an amicable gesture.
I don't see anything wrong in ex-spouses exchanging birthday gifts. It's an amicable gesture.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Ah to think the great news didn't last very long
Sorry this is going to be longgggg.
Just a re-cap of previous situation.
I'm 24+ this year and early last year I met a guy - he's 10 years older than I am. I first knew him about 3 months after his divorce was filed - it was through a corporate drinks session (he used to work in the company I was in at that time and my ex-colleagues still remembers him fondly and hence the invitation to many of our chill-out sessions). He was a grouchy man at that point in time and I was afraid to interact with him so I kept my distance, even as a friend.
We slowly grew close over months as we stay near each other so he would always drive me home after those weekly chill-out sessions. 6 months into the friendship, he professed his feelings for me - I was very wary because it's barely a year since his divorce was filed. So I told him, why don’t we wait? Since his divorce will only be legalized in court in January 2010 (which was 3 months later) – we’ll talk about this later on. I wanted some time to think about it and I wasn’t very keen to be seen hanging around a guy who was still considered legally married although his ex-wife moved out upon the filing of the divorce.
We continue to hang out as friends and soon January 2010 came.
The topic of marriage was always something that he would bring up – he told me he’s afraid to get married again so marriage will not be on his books for any relationships moving forward. So in January 2010, we sat down to have the discussion. I told him at 24, I cannot be laying such no-marriage ground rules and yes although I do enjoy our conversations and time spent together – I can’t let myself go down this path. I told him, he is over his ex-wife, but he isn’t over the fear of marriage – I gave him 6 months to think through it and meanwhile we maintain a distance so he can have time and space to think about it. But of course I did tell him, if things do not work out eventually, I’ll probably not see him as a friend anymore. I may need to go away somewhere, away from him and our common friends so it’s less painful to not see him and not think of the potential of us being together.
After the talk that day, I backed off (don’t get me wrong, I really like him but I reckon I should give the space) – if he did not contact me, I will not take the initiative to (unless it is with regards to mass lunch outing or a group drinking-chill out session). Similarly, if we ever chat, I never once brought up the topic. We would chat normal but I did not allocate all my airtime to him either – I ensure I spend ample time mingling around. There were times he asked me out for dinners with his friends and I would decline because I have other activities arranged and he was no longer the priority (I do admit I spent a huge amount of time with him last year).
In another way, maybe I wanted to prepare myself for the worst that he will never change his mind or work out his thoughts so it was better that way.
2 months into the 6-month window given to him, he came back around. He told me he spent time speaking to friends and family and they all agreed with me that he should not be so fast to say no to marriage, but he shouldn’t be too fast to say yes either. He then asked me if marriage was on my books in 2 years time, I said hell no (which is true). He asked me if I was still on the same page as him with regards to picking up this relationship. I said yes and reiterated that he knows my stand on starting a relationship (that is to have an open mind about marriage and kids) and he said yes.
And so we picked it up from that point onwards. To be honest, it was great. It was a great relationship – we had respect for each other and we enjoyed the time we spent together as well. Conversations were rolling all the time, I don’t know, everything just felt great (minus the 2-3 quarrels we had).
3 weeks ago – I was out travelling for work. We still chat as normal over the net and everything was fine. When I came back, it was the same – we were still chatting as normal and talking about weekend plans because of how our busy schedules has deprived us of proper time spent together.
And then it suddenly popped out – his fear of marriage. We were chatting over the net when this came up and it threw me completely off guard because everything seemed fine and alright just the day before. He said it has been on his mind for the last few weeks and he can’t seemed to get it off – he’s been thinking if he’s ready to do marriage again. He told me every night he would be lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling asking himself – if he wants kids and do marriage all over again. He told me “I can’t say a definite yesâ€.
I said “OK.†And he went on about how he spoke to his mother as well because he knew his mother had always wanted him to find another girl and possibly get married again. He went “After I spoke to her, she wasn’t sure anymore and she asked why I brought this up. I told her I’m seeing someone. And she said ‘Well you have to let her know and don’t give people false hope’. Of course I know..I know…but I’m still in 2 minds about it. And with all the crap happening at work, I really can’t think anymore…â€
I told him I thought this was resolved and thought through before we picked this relationship up – and I told him I don’t understand why he always love to discuss such things over the net and I asked if he was serious when he came back to pick things up with me. He told me he didn’t want to talk to me face to face about it until he has completely thought it through. He went “I know I have to give this a very serious thought because if I said marriage wasn’t on my books, you are not interested in this relationship anymore.â€
I said “OK.†The last message he sent me on the net was “Anyway, I planned to come into this with an open mind to marriage†but I did not see that because I’ve picked up my phone and gave him a call. I went “ok..what happened?†in my most gentle/patient voice I could muster up in the midst of my frustration and anger (doesn’t help it was only my 2nd week at work and it’s pretty stressful). He said “I was just thinking about it…and then you saying I didn’t take my decision to pick this relationship up seriously..I’m offended by that. I hate being thought of not taking things seriously.â€
The conversation over the phone eventually became him deciding that he doesn’t want to get married anymore and then asking me to go sound out anyone who has just divorced in the last 1-2 years if they want to do it again. I said “Sometimes I wish you could be more upfront about saying you don’t want this relationship anymore, at least I know what needs to be done here.†And he said “I know…I know…but this is not a break up call.†And I got thrown off guard again, so what was the whole call about?
He started asking me why don’t we choose to move in together or move together elsewhere for the next 3-4 decades – why do we need the marriage certificate. And I was like “Where is this conversation going???†And then he said I could ask him again 1-2 years later when things looks brighter – I said in return “So I’m supposed to just put this relationship down now, go frolick around and then come back and ask 2 years later?†I told him it doesn’t work that way, how can I be expected to put down someone I like and he still likes me, go out have fun, date someone and then turn around 2 years later??
And then he said “you know the good thing is…2 years later I’ll still be around..â€
??????
I really don’t know where the whole conversation was heading anymore. I told him “I’m at my wits’ end, I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore. I can’t think…and I don’t want to think either.†He went “You don’t want to think about it??!â€. I said “Yes… I can’t..and I don’t want to..Bye..â€
And I hung up. I was already in tears, don’t ask me why. Could be the frustration I guess and the pressure I have over the new job.
We didn’t chat each other up for the following 1 week – his friend told me “I wasn’t supposed to say but he told me not to ask you about him or talk about the relationship in front of you because he said you sounded really upset the other day.†1 week later, I took the initiative to chat him up – asking him how was work et cetera. He told me it’s the same old nonsense and it’s one of the rare nights which he could come home before 10pm and not have to take any international conference calls till midnight. He asked me about mine and I updated briefly. I asked if he was feeling better – he said his shoulders were aching and what he had done the whole day and how he felt about it. Before I could respond, he said he was going to sleep and we said our byes.
The next morning I called him – asking him if we are still friends (he intercepted and said “of course we are.â€) or are we a couple. He said he doesn’t want to suggest anything otherwise. He mentioned he has been seeing his friends getting divorced, his family friends getting divorced or couples being together for 5 years and end up calling everything off because one of them is not ready for the next stage (that is marriage) of a relationship. He told himself “That’s not fair…not fair at all.†He told me “I don’t have a next level for you…†I told him it’s a very heavy topic to bring on marriage when the relationship is barely 4 months old and I said why don’t we give it a shot and see what happens? He said “What if 5 years later you want another level and I’m still not ready?†He said he shouldn’t have succumbed to pressure when he came back to pick this relationship up. I asked “What pressure? I don’t remember giving you any. Was I a pressure point?†He said “I knew you would ask this.†And then followed by a moment of silence. He said yes I was a pressure point – reason being “Because you said if this don’t work out, you’ll never see me again.â€
???????
We met up that night because I said we need to talk about this face to face – caught up a little on my work and his. And then I said “So what did you want to tell me?â€
He turned around and said “I don’t want to get married anymoreâ€. He said he continued thinking about it after I hung up. I said “OK.†He said I’m still very young, I have a whole big life ahead of me whereas he’s old. I responded that he’s really not that old (C’mon 35 years old for a guy is prime!) and he said “I’m old…old enough to know that I don’t want to do marriage again. Been there, done that..it wasn’t a great feeling.."
(Just a recap about his ex-wife, they dated for 5 years and got married for a little over 4 years – he gave up his hobbies, friends, a lot of freedom because his ex-wife didn’t like the things he do, didn’t like the company of his friends – so he felt bad for leaving her out. In turn, he spent all his time with her friends and doing the things she wanted to do. He supported the house mortgages, her car because she didn’t have enough income to get expensive racing car but wanted one and her failing business. She raised the divorce on grounds that he wasn’t supportive of her dreams and career, that he always shot down her business ideas and that he was restrictive. He asked to work on the marriage for months but she said no and eventually moved out. He then filed for the divorce. When she moved out, he realized she chalked up a huge credit card debt on the supplementary cards he gave her for her business – and most of it were spent on personal stuff like racing bikes et cetera. He told me he never felt so betrayed in his life. Anyway most of the stuff were shared by his best mate to me, he himself hardly spoke much about his ex-wife unless I ask).
I said “OK.†And then he started to bury his face in his hands, saying he’s very confused with his life – he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He doesn’t know where it is heading and he’s just living one day at a time. He said “If I step out of my body now, I’ll be wondering why this person has such a messy life.†He mentioned he has never felt so frustrated before in his life and he can’t even point out the source of it – he said career wise everything sucks (because he gets pushed around by his female superior who doesn’t know the business well – she was in that rank because she was with the firm for 25 years and tries to bulldoze all his decisions. However, whenever things go wrong, she would point the finger at him first), and he doesn’t know what he want with his life anymore.
I told him it's fine, it happens to everyone - there are times in your life everything comes crashing down on you. Just take one thing at a time - don't have to deal with everything together.
He mentioned during the week in which I was overseas – everyday he would just come home late from work, and all he wanted to do was walk his dog, go for his run, take a shower and sleep. He said it felt good to not to deal with anyone and just recuperate from a day of hard work. I said “I’m sorry I never knew I was such a chore to entertain that you felt that way while I was away.†He said “No don’t say that..you weren’t a chore to deal with. I just started to think I just got out of a 10 year relationship…maybe I need some time alone…†I asked him what did he wanted out of this relationship – he said companionship, if possible life time companionship. I said “So I was a convenient target huh.†He went “No…you did not fall into place at all…I wasn’t even looking for a girlfriend…I was cruising through life, hanging out with my dog, go out for a drive alone and ask friends out..you weren’t convenient company.. I like you a lot back then, I still do now.†I kept quiet. He went on “but there are times you are so happy and chirpy it irritates me. Sometimes when I’m down I just want to wallow, I don’t need people to cheer me on. And you being all cheery just irritates me.â€
I said “I never knew I was irritating that way.†And he went “No you are not irritating, I don’t understand why you say that.â€
?????
So I said “We could take time off each other you know, give ourselves some space.†And he went “No..it will still be weighing at the back of my mind.†And then he said “All the decisions in my brain tells me to call it off.†He wasn’t even looking at me when he said it, his face was still buried in his hands, I could only see his eyes looking down at the table. It was so soft I had to ask him to repeat it. He said he’s fine if I continue with the habit of not contacting my ex-bfs.
I told him I guess this is the final call eh? He kept quiet. I told him “Thanks for the decision, I think you can go off now since you have a morning meeting in 6 hours’ time. I want to be alone†and I walked off to the beach. That was when he looked up, when I walked off. That was when I started crying as well. He called me on my mobile asking me where I was, I told him I wanted to be alone and he can go off first.
He said “I can’t leave you here alone, it’s going to rain soon and you won’t be able to get a cab.†I told him just leave me alone. He repeated the part about that he can’t leave me here alone so I told him “beach†and then hung up. 10 minutes later, he appeared behind me. “Found ya..†and then he hugged me from behind. I shrugged him off. He sat down next to me in silence. I turned around and asked him “Are you seeing someone else?†He shook his head and said “I’m not interested in anything…and anyone.†And then he said “Can we still be friends?†and I said “No.†and he went on “of course only if you are comfortable with it…â€
I stood up and said I want to go home and I just walked in whichever direction I could walk to. He was running at the back “Where are you going, where are you going? My car is in the other direction…where are you going.†I didn’t stop, I just kept walking. He caught up with me and pulled me in the direction of his car.
It was at the carpark when I finally broke down and sobbed my guts out. He was walking in front so he turned back and stood next to me watching me cry. I gave in to my emotions and hugged him while sobbing my eyes out. He hugged me back really really tightly. I got into the car thereafter and continued crying, he didn’t start the car engine either. He just sat there and watch me cry while holding a bunch of tissue. He wiped my tears and just watched me. No words at all. I told him “Stop it, I want to go home.†He put on my seat belt for me because I was crying myself silly and he stuffed some tissue into my hands. And then he started driving.
When we reached my place, he turned off the engine and continued watching me – I told him “I thought we could work this out but I guess not eh?†and I said “the irony? I stayed in the country and this didn’t work out.†(Side story: I was supposed to be posted overseas for 2 years in my previous company but he told me he wasn’t sure of a long distance relationship. He said 2 years later he will be nearing 40 years old, and that 2 years overseas meant the relationship would be stagnant. That was when I relooked at my career path – in a good way, I cut it short by 2 years by joining this new firm and getting to stay in the country. He didn’t force me make a career switch because he said I should never live for anyone except myself. But the whole situation got me speaking to more seniors in the field and I do note that the career switch would be beneficial for me and to me the key thing was also I get to stay in the country and be with him).
I reached for the car door and went off to my apartment’s lobby. While waiting for the elevator, I started sobbing again. He came running from behind and grabbed my arm. He said “Call me…†and before he could finish, I shrugged him off and said “It’s not the same anymore.†And then the elevator came. I turned around, gave him a hug and told him I’m really not ready to say goodbye. I said “you know what I’ll miss the most? You. I hope you can find a better and happier job. I hope you can be happy.†And then I turned around and got into the lift.
That was the last sentence I said to him. I went home and cried my eyes out.
That very Saturday (we met on a Tuesday night) we were supposed to attend a common friend’s wedding (ex-colleague for both of us) and I was all ready to say Hi to him actually (I’m really not a fan of awkward moments or cowardly ones like running away) but he didn’t turn up at all.
So that night after the wedding party was over, I dropped him a call. He picked up on the 4th ring – I said “Hey! Were you at the wedding? We didn’t see you†(We being all the ex colleagues)
Him: “Erm no I didn’t go..I didn’t feel like going.â€
Me: “Huh?â€
Him: “Ah erm I thought I was supposed to go overseas to close a business deal but it turned out the deal didn’t go through so I told the bride I might not attend. Yeah the deal didn’t go through..ah nevermind.â€
Me: “oh ok, have a great weekend!â€
And then I hung up.
I don’t know…I was unceremoniously dumped to be honest..looking back I wasn’t even sure what the real reason was. He doesn’t seemed to dislike me that much that he wants to drop me off but I guess he didn’t like me that much either. I have this weird feeling the whole fiasco isn’t over.. I still like him to be honest, a lot.
Do you think I have been played out and the whole relationship was a scam? I don’t know – I’m on my way to putting myself back on track again to forget him and move on with my life. But I can’t help but think of this nagging feeling at the back of mind that a freaky part 2 is lying around somewhere. And his supposedly best male friend hasn't know about the split yet. Am I overthinking?
Somebody wake me up!!!! Wake up!!!
Aiyo.
Sorry this is going to be longgggg.
Just a re-cap of previous situation.
I'm 24+ this year and early last year I met a guy - he's 10 years older than I am. I first knew him about 3 months after his divorce was filed - it was through a corporate drinks session (he used to work in the company I was in at that time and my ex-colleagues still remembers him fondly and hence the invitation to many of our chill-out sessions). He was a grouchy man at that point in time and I was afraid to interact with him so I kept my distance, even as a friend.
We slowly grew close over months as we stay near each other so he would always drive me home after those weekly chill-out sessions. 6 months into the friendship, he professed his feelings for me - I was very wary because it's barely a year since his divorce was filed. So I told him, why don’t we wait? Since his divorce will only be legalized in court in January 2010 (which was 3 months later) – we’ll talk about this later on. I wanted some time to think about it and I wasn’t very keen to be seen hanging around a guy who was still considered legally married although his ex-wife moved out upon the filing of the divorce.
We continue to hang out as friends and soon January 2010 came.
The topic of marriage was always something that he would bring up – he told me he’s afraid to get married again so marriage will not be on his books for any relationships moving forward. So in January 2010, we sat down to have the discussion. I told him at 24, I cannot be laying such no-marriage ground rules and yes although I do enjoy our conversations and time spent together – I can’t let myself go down this path. I told him, he is over his ex-wife, but he isn’t over the fear of marriage – I gave him 6 months to think through it and meanwhile we maintain a distance so he can have time and space to think about it. But of course I did tell him, if things do not work out eventually, I’ll probably not see him as a friend anymore. I may need to go away somewhere, away from him and our common friends so it’s less painful to not see him and not think of the potential of us being together.
After the talk that day, I backed off (don’t get me wrong, I really like him but I reckon I should give the space) – if he did not contact me, I will not take the initiative to (unless it is with regards to mass lunch outing or a group drinking-chill out session). Similarly, if we ever chat, I never once brought up the topic. We would chat normal but I did not allocate all my airtime to him either – I ensure I spend ample time mingling around. There were times he asked me out for dinners with his friends and I would decline because I have other activities arranged and he was no longer the priority (I do admit I spent a huge amount of time with him last year).
In another way, maybe I wanted to prepare myself for the worst that he will never change his mind or work out his thoughts so it was better that way.
2 months into the 6-month window given to him, he came back around. He told me he spent time speaking to friends and family and they all agreed with me that he should not be so fast to say no to marriage, but he shouldn’t be too fast to say yes either. He then asked me if marriage was on my books in 2 years time, I said hell no (which is true). He asked me if I was still on the same page as him with regards to picking up this relationship. I said yes and reiterated that he knows my stand on starting a relationship (that is to have an open mind about marriage and kids) and he said yes.
And so we picked it up from that point onwards. To be honest, it was great. It was a great relationship – we had respect for each other and we enjoyed the time we spent together as well. Conversations were rolling all the time, I don’t know, everything just felt great (minus the 2-3 quarrels we had).
3 weeks ago – I was out travelling for work. We still chat as normal over the net and everything was fine. When I came back, it was the same – we were still chatting as normal and talking about weekend plans because of how our busy schedules has deprived us of proper time spent together.
And then it suddenly popped out – his fear of marriage. We were chatting over the net when this came up and it threw me completely off guard because everything seemed fine and alright just the day before. He said it has been on his mind for the last few weeks and he can’t seemed to get it off – he’s been thinking if he’s ready to do marriage again. He told me every night he would be lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling asking himself – if he wants kids and do marriage all over again. He told me “I can’t say a definite yesâ€.
I said “OK.†And he went on about how he spoke to his mother as well because he knew his mother had always wanted him to find another girl and possibly get married again. He went “After I spoke to her, she wasn’t sure anymore and she asked why I brought this up. I told her I’m seeing someone. And she said ‘Well you have to let her know and don’t give people false hope’. Of course I know..I know…but I’m still in 2 minds about it. And with all the crap happening at work, I really can’t think anymore…â€
I told him I thought this was resolved and thought through before we picked this relationship up – and I told him I don’t understand why he always love to discuss such things over the net and I asked if he was serious when he came back to pick things up with me. He told me he didn’t want to talk to me face to face about it until he has completely thought it through. He went “I know I have to give this a very serious thought because if I said marriage wasn’t on my books, you are not interested in this relationship anymore.â€
I said “OK.†The last message he sent me on the net was “Anyway, I planned to come into this with an open mind to marriage†but I did not see that because I’ve picked up my phone and gave him a call. I went “ok..what happened?†in my most gentle/patient voice I could muster up in the midst of my frustration and anger (doesn’t help it was only my 2nd week at work and it’s pretty stressful). He said “I was just thinking about it…and then you saying I didn’t take my decision to pick this relationship up seriously..I’m offended by that. I hate being thought of not taking things seriously.â€
The conversation over the phone eventually became him deciding that he doesn’t want to get married anymore and then asking me to go sound out anyone who has just divorced in the last 1-2 years if they want to do it again. I said “Sometimes I wish you could be more upfront about saying you don’t want this relationship anymore, at least I know what needs to be done here.†And he said “I know…I know…but this is not a break up call.†And I got thrown off guard again, so what was the whole call about?
He started asking me why don’t we choose to move in together or move together elsewhere for the next 3-4 decades – why do we need the marriage certificate. And I was like “Where is this conversation going???†And then he said I could ask him again 1-2 years later when things looks brighter – I said in return “So I’m supposed to just put this relationship down now, go frolick around and then come back and ask 2 years later?†I told him it doesn’t work that way, how can I be expected to put down someone I like and he still likes me, go out have fun, date someone and then turn around 2 years later??
And then he said “you know the good thing is…2 years later I’ll still be around..â€
??????
I really don’t know where the whole conversation was heading anymore. I told him “I’m at my wits’ end, I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore. I can’t think…and I don’t want to think either.†He went “You don’t want to think about it??!â€. I said “Yes… I can’t..and I don’t want to..Bye..â€
And I hung up. I was already in tears, don’t ask me why. Could be the frustration I guess and the pressure I have over the new job.
We didn’t chat each other up for the following 1 week – his friend told me “I wasn’t supposed to say but he told me not to ask you about him or talk about the relationship in front of you because he said you sounded really upset the other day.†1 week later, I took the initiative to chat him up – asking him how was work et cetera. He told me it’s the same old nonsense and it’s one of the rare nights which he could come home before 10pm and not have to take any international conference calls till midnight. He asked me about mine and I updated briefly. I asked if he was feeling better – he said his shoulders were aching and what he had done the whole day and how he felt about it. Before I could respond, he said he was going to sleep and we said our byes.
The next morning I called him – asking him if we are still friends (he intercepted and said “of course we are.â€) or are we a couple. He said he doesn’t want to suggest anything otherwise. He mentioned he has been seeing his friends getting divorced, his family friends getting divorced or couples being together for 5 years and end up calling everything off because one of them is not ready for the next stage (that is marriage) of a relationship. He told himself “That’s not fair…not fair at all.†He told me “I don’t have a next level for you…†I told him it’s a very heavy topic to bring on marriage when the relationship is barely 4 months old and I said why don’t we give it a shot and see what happens? He said “What if 5 years later you want another level and I’m still not ready?†He said he shouldn’t have succumbed to pressure when he came back to pick this relationship up. I asked “What pressure? I don’t remember giving you any. Was I a pressure point?†He said “I knew you would ask this.†And then followed by a moment of silence. He said yes I was a pressure point – reason being “Because you said if this don’t work out, you’ll never see me again.â€
???????
We met up that night because I said we need to talk about this face to face – caught up a little on my work and his. And then I said “So what did you want to tell me?â€
He turned around and said “I don’t want to get married anymoreâ€. He said he continued thinking about it after I hung up. I said “OK.†He said I’m still very young, I have a whole big life ahead of me whereas he’s old. I responded that he’s really not that old (C’mon 35 years old for a guy is prime!) and he said “I’m old…old enough to know that I don’t want to do marriage again. Been there, done that..it wasn’t a great feeling.."
(Just a recap about his ex-wife, they dated for 5 years and got married for a little over 4 years – he gave up his hobbies, friends, a lot of freedom because his ex-wife didn’t like the things he do, didn’t like the company of his friends – so he felt bad for leaving her out. In turn, he spent all his time with her friends and doing the things she wanted to do. He supported the house mortgages, her car because she didn’t have enough income to get expensive racing car but wanted one and her failing business. She raised the divorce on grounds that he wasn’t supportive of her dreams and career, that he always shot down her business ideas and that he was restrictive. He asked to work on the marriage for months but she said no and eventually moved out. He then filed for the divorce. When she moved out, he realized she chalked up a huge credit card debt on the supplementary cards he gave her for her business – and most of it were spent on personal stuff like racing bikes et cetera. He told me he never felt so betrayed in his life. Anyway most of the stuff were shared by his best mate to me, he himself hardly spoke much about his ex-wife unless I ask).
I said “OK.†And then he started to bury his face in his hands, saying he’s very confused with his life – he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He doesn’t know where it is heading and he’s just living one day at a time. He said “If I step out of my body now, I’ll be wondering why this person has such a messy life.†He mentioned he has never felt so frustrated before in his life and he can’t even point out the source of it – he said career wise everything sucks (because he gets pushed around by his female superior who doesn’t know the business well – she was in that rank because she was with the firm for 25 years and tries to bulldoze all his decisions. However, whenever things go wrong, she would point the finger at him first), and he doesn’t know what he want with his life anymore.
I told him it's fine, it happens to everyone - there are times in your life everything comes crashing down on you. Just take one thing at a time - don't have to deal with everything together.
He mentioned during the week in which I was overseas – everyday he would just come home late from work, and all he wanted to do was walk his dog, go for his run, take a shower and sleep. He said it felt good to not to deal with anyone and just recuperate from a day of hard work. I said “I’m sorry I never knew I was such a chore to entertain that you felt that way while I was away.†He said “No don’t say that..you weren’t a chore to deal with. I just started to think I just got out of a 10 year relationship…maybe I need some time alone…†I asked him what did he wanted out of this relationship – he said companionship, if possible life time companionship. I said “So I was a convenient target huh.†He went “No…you did not fall into place at all…I wasn’t even looking for a girlfriend…I was cruising through life, hanging out with my dog, go out for a drive alone and ask friends out..you weren’t convenient company.. I like you a lot back then, I still do now.†I kept quiet. He went on “but there are times you are so happy and chirpy it irritates me. Sometimes when I’m down I just want to wallow, I don’t need people to cheer me on. And you being all cheery just irritates me.â€
I said “I never knew I was irritating that way.†And he went “No you are not irritating, I don’t understand why you say that.â€
?????
So I said “We could take time off each other you know, give ourselves some space.†And he went “No..it will still be weighing at the back of my mind.†And then he said “All the decisions in my brain tells me to call it off.†He wasn’t even looking at me when he said it, his face was still buried in his hands, I could only see his eyes looking down at the table. It was so soft I had to ask him to repeat it. He said he’s fine if I continue with the habit of not contacting my ex-bfs.
I told him I guess this is the final call eh? He kept quiet. I told him “Thanks for the decision, I think you can go off now since you have a morning meeting in 6 hours’ time. I want to be alone†and I walked off to the beach. That was when he looked up, when I walked off. That was when I started crying as well. He called me on my mobile asking me where I was, I told him I wanted to be alone and he can go off first.
He said “I can’t leave you here alone, it’s going to rain soon and you won’t be able to get a cab.†I told him just leave me alone. He repeated the part about that he can’t leave me here alone so I told him “beach†and then hung up. 10 minutes later, he appeared behind me. “Found ya..†and then he hugged me from behind. I shrugged him off. He sat down next to me in silence. I turned around and asked him “Are you seeing someone else?†He shook his head and said “I’m not interested in anything…and anyone.†And then he said “Can we still be friends?†and I said “No.†and he went on “of course only if you are comfortable with it…â€
I stood up and said I want to go home and I just walked in whichever direction I could walk to. He was running at the back “Where are you going, where are you going? My car is in the other direction…where are you going.†I didn’t stop, I just kept walking. He caught up with me and pulled me in the direction of his car.
It was at the carpark when I finally broke down and sobbed my guts out. He was walking in front so he turned back and stood next to me watching me cry. I gave in to my emotions and hugged him while sobbing my eyes out. He hugged me back really really tightly. I got into the car thereafter and continued crying, he didn’t start the car engine either. He just sat there and watch me cry while holding a bunch of tissue. He wiped my tears and just watched me. No words at all. I told him “Stop it, I want to go home.†He put on my seat belt for me because I was crying myself silly and he stuffed some tissue into my hands. And then he started driving.
When we reached my place, he turned off the engine and continued watching me – I told him “I thought we could work this out but I guess not eh?†and I said “the irony? I stayed in the country and this didn’t work out.†(Side story: I was supposed to be posted overseas for 2 years in my previous company but he told me he wasn’t sure of a long distance relationship. He said 2 years later he will be nearing 40 years old, and that 2 years overseas meant the relationship would be stagnant. That was when I relooked at my career path – in a good way, I cut it short by 2 years by joining this new firm and getting to stay in the country. He didn’t force me make a career switch because he said I should never live for anyone except myself. But the whole situation got me speaking to more seniors in the field and I do note that the career switch would be beneficial for me and to me the key thing was also I get to stay in the country and be with him).
I reached for the car door and went off to my apartment’s lobby. While waiting for the elevator, I started sobbing again. He came running from behind and grabbed my arm. He said “Call me…†and before he could finish, I shrugged him off and said “It’s not the same anymore.†And then the elevator came. I turned around, gave him a hug and told him I’m really not ready to say goodbye. I said “you know what I’ll miss the most? You. I hope you can find a better and happier job. I hope you can be happy.†And then I turned around and got into the lift.
That was the last sentence I said to him. I went home and cried my eyes out.
That very Saturday (we met on a Tuesday night) we were supposed to attend a common friend’s wedding (ex-colleague for both of us) and I was all ready to say Hi to him actually (I’m really not a fan of awkward moments or cowardly ones like running away) but he didn’t turn up at all.
So that night after the wedding party was over, I dropped him a call. He picked up on the 4th ring – I said “Hey! Were you at the wedding? We didn’t see you†(We being all the ex colleagues)
Him: “Erm no I didn’t go..I didn’t feel like going.â€
Me: “Huh?â€
Him: “Ah erm I thought I was supposed to go overseas to close a business deal but it turned out the deal didn’t go through so I told the bride I might not attend. Yeah the deal didn’t go through..ah nevermind.â€
Me: “oh ok, have a great weekend!â€
And then I hung up.
I don’t know…I was unceremoniously dumped to be honest..looking back I wasn’t even sure what the real reason was. He doesn’t seemed to dislike me that much that he wants to drop me off but I guess he didn’t like me that much either. I have this weird feeling the whole fiasco isn’t over.. I still like him to be honest, a lot.
Do you think I have been played out and the whole relationship was a scam? I don’t know – I’m on my way to putting myself back on track again to forget him and move on with my life. But I can’t help but think of this nagging feeling at the back of mind that a freaky part 2 is lying around somewhere. And his supposedly best male friend hasn't know about the split yet. Am I overthinking?
Somebody wake me up!!!! Wake up!!!
Aiyo.
bubblepuffs
New Member
But I told him why do we have to bring in such heavy things at this stage, we might not even last that long.
Maybe 6 months later we detest each other so much that we don't even have to think about it.
And....I don't even talk about marriages or kids - I don't even swoon at bridal gowns and I don't even coo and ahhh at kids!
The only time this was brought up was in before the 6 months window because our perception of the relationship was different.
So in my POV, okay if things turns out well - then why not? And that was the only time I brought it up.
There are times I felt the whole thing was so serious and heavy for my age - I told him that as well.
Maybe 6 months later we detest each other so much that we don't even have to think about it.
And....I don't even talk about marriages or kids - I don't even swoon at bridal gowns and I don't even coo and ahhh at kids!
The only time this was brought up was in before the 6 months window because our perception of the relationship was different.
So in my POV, okay if things turns out well - then why not? And that was the only time I brought it up.
There are times I felt the whole thing was so serious and heavy for my age - I told him that as well.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
The relationship was serious and heavy because it had started on an agreement - "to have an open mind about marriage and kids", which means different things or different degrees of the same thing to you both. You don't know and may never know how he feels or fears about marriage.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Because when he wanted to start it, he kept saying "you don't want to get married and have kids right?"
And I was like... "Er..it's a little hard to lay down ground rules like that at my age..." And hence I left him alone to go and think things through.
I told him before - we don't even know if we can pass the one year mark, don't think so much about it now and just go with the flow. And he goes on about 5 years later what if I want another level and he's not ready for it.
And I feel like going..."5 years..I don't even know if we will still be together after 5 years..."
My open mind meant if things turn out well then why not because his idea was even if things were great and the girl wants a marriage, he would drop her. And that didn't make any sense to me.
OMG did I screw it up?
And I was like... "Er..it's a little hard to lay down ground rules like that at my age..." And hence I left him alone to go and think things through.
I told him before - we don't even know if we can pass the one year mark, don't think so much about it now and just go with the flow. And he goes on about 5 years later what if I want another level and he's not ready for it.
And I feel like going..."5 years..I don't even know if we will still be together after 5 years..."
My open mind meant if things turn out well then why not because his idea was even if things were great and the girl wants a marriage, he would drop her. And that didn't make any sense to me.
OMG did I screw it up?
bubblepuffs
New Member
HMM - he asked me before "do you know what it feels like to be married?"
I said "erm no?"
And he went it felt like a prison for him because he had to pay everything, forgo his friends, forgo his favourite hobbies, support her failing business, ensuring she was well insured, do all the housework...He said he hated it when he had to deal with all her money problems even when the divorce was over.
Basically he did all the "serious" responsibilities during the marriage I reckon. Which was why I gave him a lot of freedom in doing the things he wanted to do (not that I was restrictive to begin with...) and if possible, I will join him at his friends' outings and his activities if time permits.
I don't know but my gut feel tells me...he's been living for someone else the last 9 years and he has forgotten how it is like to live for himself.
But then again I could be wrong.
I said "erm no?"
And he went it felt like a prison for him because he had to pay everything, forgo his friends, forgo his favourite hobbies, support her failing business, ensuring she was well insured, do all the housework...He said he hated it when he had to deal with all her money problems even when the divorce was over.
Basically he did all the "serious" responsibilities during the marriage I reckon. Which was why I gave him a lot of freedom in doing the things he wanted to do (not that I was restrictive to begin with...) and if possible, I will join him at his friends' outings and his activities if time permits.
I don't know but my gut feel tells me...he's been living for someone else the last 9 years and he has forgotten how it is like to live for himself.
But then again I could be wrong.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Thanks Faith - really needed that
Now I'm really just focusing on my career and my friends are so cool! They helped me set goals (and join me in my goals) like what should be accomplished for my life by this month and et cetera so I stay focused on my life.
I guess I just need to drive that nagging feeling that this isn't entirely over :S
Now I'm really just focusing on my career and my friends are so cool! They helped me set goals (and join me in my goals) like what should be accomplished for my life by this month and et cetera so I stay focused on my life.
I guess I just need to drive that nagging feeling that this isn't entirely over :S
sgbabydoll
Active Member
You want to keep an open mind about marriage while he doesn't and can't at this stage - No one is at fault.
Where marriage is concerned, he is still reminded of what he has just come out from, whereas it is part of the unknown yet exciting future to you. Like I have said, it is a different take-home meaning or a different level of understanding of marriage to you both.
You asked if you have been played out and if the relationship was a scam. My feel is, no.
Where marriage is concerned, he is still reminded of what he has just come out from, whereas it is part of the unknown yet exciting future to you. Like I have said, it is a different take-home meaning or a different level of understanding of marriage to you both.
You asked if you have been played out and if the relationship was a scam. My feel is, no.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Thanks Faith and Doll for the response.
I look back and just am really glad I didn't say anything irrational out of my anger, frustration, confusion and pain at that point in time. I reckon I said what I really wanted to say. And no going on my knees or tugging on shirt saying "Why do you want to leave me?" kind of thing. I kept my pride (ok minus the part I was crying my guts out) and I'm quite comforted that it didn't end ugly or something.
At the end of the day...I really just want him to be truly happy about what he has and know that he really still young, there's still a huge chunk of life out there for him.
My older brothers told me it didn't really sound like a very clean break - it wasn't like he stopped loving me (but then again...haiz so what right) and they told me if I truly love something/someone, let him/it free. If it comes back it's yours, if not then it's not meant to be.
Weird how cliched my brothers can be!
To be honest, I just feel this isn't entirely over - or maybe it's just me being at this crappy stage at being post breakup or something. No idea why.
Please feel free to give me a slap anytime. Haha
I look back and just am really glad I didn't say anything irrational out of my anger, frustration, confusion and pain at that point in time. I reckon I said what I really wanted to say. And no going on my knees or tugging on shirt saying "Why do you want to leave me?" kind of thing. I kept my pride (ok minus the part I was crying my guts out) and I'm quite comforted that it didn't end ugly or something.
At the end of the day...I really just want him to be truly happy about what he has and know that he really still young, there's still a huge chunk of life out there for him.
My older brothers told me it didn't really sound like a very clean break - it wasn't like he stopped loving me (but then again...haiz so what right) and they told me if I truly love something/someone, let him/it free. If it comes back it's yours, if not then it's not meant to be.
Weird how cliched my brothers can be!
To be honest, I just feel this isn't entirely over - or maybe it's just me being at this crappy stage at being post breakup or something. No idea why.
Please feel free to give me a slap anytime. Haha
sgbabydoll
Active Member
You want a slap for what? Haha
bubblepuffs
New Member
For having back end thoughts that this isn't entirely over! LOL
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Let time tell whether you really need that slap or not. It was ended in a good fashion, nothing more is needed to be done at the moment.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Thanks doLL
And thanks everyone who bled their eyes to finish my majorly long post!
I appreciate that =D
And thanks everyone who bled their eyes to finish my majorly long post!
I appreciate that =D
Bubblepuffs,
So what he said he'd like to marry you? LOL~ Then you got married as you want, and later got divorced... ... LOL~
Your man is certainly not the only one who is having phobia of marriage. LOL~ Me too. A lot of men have a distaste for marriage. Listen to his 'complains'... as you listed them here. Are you sure you will be as what he complained?
Are you the right girl?
Sure. You can just forgo him, and get another... who will marry you, and end up like any one of the pathetic married situations in this forum... Common.
Actually, what are you really looking for? Do you really know yourself? I am just curious. LOL~
So what he said he'd like to marry you? LOL~ Then you got married as you want, and later got divorced... ... LOL~
Your man is certainly not the only one who is having phobia of marriage. LOL~ Me too. A lot of men have a distaste for marriage. Listen to his 'complains'... as you listed them here. Are you sure you will be as what he complained?
Are you the right girl?
Sure. You can just forgo him, and get another... who will marry you, and end up like any one of the pathetic married situations in this forum... Common.
Actually, what are you really looking for? Do you really know yourself? I am just curious. LOL~
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Hey Bubblepuffs, I like this guy for his honesty with himself and with you. Knowing that at your age and with your life's experience you have no reason to go with the no-marriage rule, he chose to back off now.
Going forward, you will meet a lot of people and you will find that many men or women who are keen in marriage are not well-prepared for marriage after all, whether emotionally or financially. There is another breed of people who do not want marriage but it speaks nothing about their commitment in the relationship.
Going forward, you will meet a lot of people and you will find that many men or women who are keen in marriage are not well-prepared for marriage after all, whether emotionally or financially. There is another breed of people who do not want marriage but it speaks nothing about their commitment in the relationship.
Doll is right... then you get married with an over-zealous son of a beach and at 35 who isn't well-prepared, you got a divorce... ...
And by the time you found one who is well-prepared for damn sure... he's a 50yo man... ...
Then tomorrow, he got cancer or got to Sands Casino and lost everything... then you'd start looking again.
Hey~ It takes two hands to clap. Don't imagine you will distance yourself and such rubbish... it just shows you DON'T understand what you want~! If he is what you want, you are TOO passive; it's either he is the One or he is NOT.
Sorry, I feel that you are like chin chin chay chay... This is not a game, there is no rules. Listen to yourself, don't force a rule on your heart; don't even listen to us, to me... You won't get any more right or wrong listening to us and feel better.
What he said is NOT important.
Well... He's scare of marriage, you'd just convince him you are the One. So now he's gone, you don't contact him... but you still don't know what you really want. LOL~
What's the point, Bubblepuffs...?
And by the time you found one who is well-prepared for damn sure... he's a 50yo man... ...
Then tomorrow, he got cancer or got to Sands Casino and lost everything... then you'd start looking again.
Hey~ It takes two hands to clap. Don't imagine you will distance yourself and such rubbish... it just shows you DON'T understand what you want~! If he is what you want, you are TOO passive; it's either he is the One or he is NOT.
Sorry, I feel that you are like chin chin chay chay... This is not a game, there is no rules. Listen to yourself, don't force a rule on your heart; don't even listen to us, to me... You won't get any more right or wrong listening to us and feel better.
What he said is NOT important.
Well... He's scare of marriage, you'd just convince him you are the One. So now he's gone, you don't contact him... but you still don't know what you really want. LOL~
What's the point, Bubblepuffs...?
bubblepuffs
New Member
In a way I hope when he has bottom out and sort through his life - he still remembers me (Someone please slap me).
Half of me hope he comes back once he has thought things through (That's a second slap).
To be honest, he loves kids and encourage people to get married (weird) - which was something I saw no connection to his action and trail of thought (3rd slap)
I don't intend to contact him anymore - I called that day after the wedding party was because I was asked to do it so I didn't want to say "Oh him and I are like totally not contacting so go ask someone else."
And that is the reason why I haven't been meeting up with any of our common friends either.
1 week after the fateful Tuesday night - was the last operating day of our favourite pub near my workplace.
His friend (call him G) called me and asked if I was going - i said i didn't know it was that day (usually my ex informs me of such things). I asked G if he was going, he said he needs to check with his friends first and so we hung up.
5 minutes later, G got back to me saying "My friends are there and says it's crowded. I'll give it a miss." I told him I'll drop by with my colleagues for a short while.
G said :"OK have fun
"
I headed there and it was immensely crowded so I headed off to the gym and my colleagues left as well. After the gym, I logged on to MSN on my phone and saw my ex's MSN nic as "Had a great time with friends saying bye to <insert>"
I felt momentarily down. I'm not a friend anymore?
So I texted his G saying "yeah man it was so crowded, thank goodness you did not go."
G: "yeah it was according to my friends. Did you go?"
Me: "yeah. Short while."
G: "Did you run into anyone there?"
Me: "Nope. But I know your dear friend was there."
G: "Hello, my dear friend is still your boyfriend. Dumb statement you are making. Why are you talking like you guys have minimal connection?"
At the back of my mind I knew G doesn't know yet so I didn't want to end clearing the crap that my ex created. So I just laughed and moved on to another topic.
In my post-running great mood - I MSNed my ex.
Me: "ooo you were there, it was crowded."
Him: "Yep I was...but only for a really short while because I had to come home for a conference call. I left at 745pm."
Me: "That's one sad situation you have...lol"
Him: "Yeah I know..."
Me: "Oh well, you will be closing the biggest deal in your firm's history."
And he didn't respond thereafter.
OK! No more contacting! I have a huge project coming up at work. Guess it will take my mind off.
Half of me hope he comes back once he has thought things through (That's a second slap).
To be honest, he loves kids and encourage people to get married (weird) - which was something I saw no connection to his action and trail of thought (3rd slap)
I don't intend to contact him anymore - I called that day after the wedding party was because I was asked to do it so I didn't want to say "Oh him and I are like totally not contacting so go ask someone else."
And that is the reason why I haven't been meeting up with any of our common friends either.
1 week after the fateful Tuesday night - was the last operating day of our favourite pub near my workplace.
His friend (call him G) called me and asked if I was going - i said i didn't know it was that day (usually my ex informs me of such things). I asked G if he was going, he said he needs to check with his friends first and so we hung up.
5 minutes later, G got back to me saying "My friends are there and says it's crowded. I'll give it a miss." I told him I'll drop by with my colleagues for a short while.
G said :"OK have fun
I headed there and it was immensely crowded so I headed off to the gym and my colleagues left as well. After the gym, I logged on to MSN on my phone and saw my ex's MSN nic as "Had a great time with friends saying bye to <insert>"
I felt momentarily down. I'm not a friend anymore?
So I texted his G saying "yeah man it was so crowded, thank goodness you did not go."
G: "yeah it was according to my friends. Did you go?"
Me: "yeah. Short while."
G: "Did you run into anyone there?"
Me: "Nope. But I know your dear friend was there."
G: "Hello, my dear friend is still your boyfriend. Dumb statement you are making. Why are you talking like you guys have minimal connection?"
At the back of my mind I knew G doesn't know yet so I didn't want to end clearing the crap that my ex created. So I just laughed and moved on to another topic.
In my post-running great mood - I MSNed my ex.
Me: "ooo you were there, it was crowded."
Him: "Yep I was...but only for a really short while because I had to come home for a conference call. I left at 745pm."
Me: "That's one sad situation you have...lol"
Him: "Yeah I know..."
Me: "Oh well, you will be closing the biggest deal in your firm's history."
And he didn't respond thereafter.
OK! No more contacting! I have a huge project coming up at work. Guess it will take my mind off.
bubblepuffs
New Member
>Scope Guy: WAH I love how blatant you are. But it kind of show as well you didn't read my message very clearly.
Erm I thought I was pretty clear with articulating with what I wanted - let's just put it this way. At 24, I guess I should be open with options. Not closing them off. When I was willing to let go of the part that he said "you don't want to get married right?", he comes back the next day and will say again "You really sure?"
Sure one day if there's a guy who feels right, why not? But I made it very clear as well, I'm not obsessed with the idea of marriage. It's not like I hit 30 and goodness me, I have to find a man to marry!
No it doesn't work that way. I would rather be happy alone than be unhappy together with someone else. Tried and tested on too many of my cousins and colleagues. And that was my struggle as well - I liked him and there are times I tell myself, why bother with the future uncertainty?
It's like saying "Oh we can't be together because I might break my leg in 3 years time and I cannot take care of you." Doesn't sound logical to me.
My take was, be open about it, no rules. If it happens, it happens - if it doesn't, somebody has to move on.
But his take was, even if he hangs out well with this lady and if she wants another level, he will drop her. It doesn't matter if he loves her, if he can't give her what she wants, he rather she go find it on someone else. That's didn't sound logical to me - that just sounds like someone who's sitting at the bottom of his pit saying self-pity words.
I told him - if I let this thing roll off now, I'll probably regret. I'll look back at the patch of my life and regret it hard for not giving it a shot to see what happens. And he was silent. No idea what that meant.
But he made it pretty clear that he wants to be alone now - why make myself a nuisance?
Get what I mean?
And he's the one with rules, not me...?
Erm I thought I was pretty clear with articulating with what I wanted - let's just put it this way. At 24, I guess I should be open with options. Not closing them off. When I was willing to let go of the part that he said "you don't want to get married right?", he comes back the next day and will say again "You really sure?"
Sure one day if there's a guy who feels right, why not? But I made it very clear as well, I'm not obsessed with the idea of marriage. It's not like I hit 30 and goodness me, I have to find a man to marry!
No it doesn't work that way. I would rather be happy alone than be unhappy together with someone else. Tried and tested on too many of my cousins and colleagues. And that was my struggle as well - I liked him and there are times I tell myself, why bother with the future uncertainty?
It's like saying "Oh we can't be together because I might break my leg in 3 years time and I cannot take care of you." Doesn't sound logical to me.
My take was, be open about it, no rules. If it happens, it happens - if it doesn't, somebody has to move on.
But his take was, even if he hangs out well with this lady and if she wants another level, he will drop her. It doesn't matter if he loves her, if he can't give her what she wants, he rather she go find it on someone else. That's didn't sound logical to me - that just sounds like someone who's sitting at the bottom of his pit saying self-pity words.
I told him - if I let this thing roll off now, I'll probably regret. I'll look back at the patch of my life and regret it hard for not giving it a shot to see what happens. And he was silent. No idea what that meant.
But he made it pretty clear that he wants to be alone now - why make myself a nuisance?
Get what I mean?
And he's the one with rules, not me...?
Bubblepuffs,
I read this part. See? Still, I don't think you really know what you want.
Fine. Let me rephase my concern...
So he said those things, and do you understand what he's actually thinking? Do you confidently, after all this time being with him, 'knows' that much about him.
Funny to compare this way, but just to illustrate the point here.
You like this subject very much... say, because you want to be a doctor. But when the exams come and you only score 90%... You said, "Oh, maybe I am not that good enough..." It's all about the examinations... their rules.
Your situation is just in-between this funny example I gave here.
Do you really really know what you want? It's ok even if he is on the verge of divorced; but you have to know what you really want. It's not his rules... I said many times, in a relationship, you cannot decide for the other one.
But you have to understand yourself... is it his rules or you? From what I see so far, if you are true to yourself in the story here... You don't even know yourself. LOL~
You can't let things roll like this. Women must make a choice, and a choice you certainly will be serious in. You cannot just drag on like this. So that's why I am saying this... You have to know what you really want.
Get what I mean? LOL~
No no no, don't tell me "You'd probably regret". Tell me if you want to regret or you don't. Period. LOL~
Well... from a guy to you, never ever bother about what a guy says. Use your sixth sense, super powers, or brains... and think hard. You should know... even if he said nothing. ^.6
So what he said he'd dump you if you want a higher 'level'? LOL~ Love is love, what higher level? LOL~ It's all the way love.
It may do you good to ponder through what I said.
I read this part. See? Still, I don't think you really know what you want.
Fine. Let me rephase my concern...
So he said those things, and do you understand what he's actually thinking? Do you confidently, after all this time being with him, 'knows' that much about him.
Funny to compare this way, but just to illustrate the point here.
You like this subject very much... say, because you want to be a doctor. But when the exams come and you only score 90%... You said, "Oh, maybe I am not that good enough..." It's all about the examinations... their rules.
Your situation is just in-between this funny example I gave here.
Do you really really know what you want? It's ok even if he is on the verge of divorced; but you have to know what you really want. It's not his rules... I said many times, in a relationship, you cannot decide for the other one.
But you have to understand yourself... is it his rules or you? From what I see so far, if you are true to yourself in the story here... You don't even know yourself. LOL~
You can't let things roll like this. Women must make a choice, and a choice you certainly will be serious in. You cannot just drag on like this. So that's why I am saying this... You have to know what you really want.
Get what I mean? LOL~
No no no, don't tell me "You'd probably regret". Tell me if you want to regret or you don't. Period. LOL~
Well... from a guy to you, never ever bother about what a guy says. Use your sixth sense, super powers, or brains... and think hard. You should know... even if he said nothing. ^.6
So what he said he'd dump you if you want a higher 'level'? LOL~ Love is love, what higher level? LOL~ It's all the way love.
It may do you good to ponder through what I said.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
To you, his no-marriage concept is a rule. To him, your stay-open-to-marriage-and-kids (regardless of his situation) is also a rule?
bubblepuffs
New Member
AHHHH I get what you mean. Then I shall tell you my darkest thoughts and secrets.
I've pondered this before - because I was struggling inside, between going for a guy I neve felt this way before or sticking by a bounded situation. I like him, or if I can audaciously put it, I love him. To the point that it pains me alot that night to see him at a loss of what he wants in his life, and that at the bottom of my heart, I really just want this man to be happy.
To be honest, I find it more upsetting and painful to see him with that look of despair than him telling me he wants to call everything off. He said he has reached a point where he doesn't want to care about anything and anyone anymore - if permits, he wants to leave his dog alone too (and he loves his dog ALOT) but he knows that his dog is dependent on him, so he cannot do that.
I know I shouldn't be pushing anymore. I'm so scared he might break. And that is the last thing I want to do to him.
Nights after nights after that Tuesday night, I find myself saying this before I sleep "I just want him to be happy and please, anyone up there, make him happy." I honestly, just wants him to be happy.
My gut feel tells me he doesn't want me to waste my time on him, so he rather back off and let me go. But then again, it could be a clouded gut feel because I still have feelings for him.
I don't know what higher level (probably next stage of the relationship) but he did ask me before, why can't we just be living together for the next 3-4 decades? I said "Marriage is a cert, just a paper in between, what difference does it make?" He told me the commitment level is different.
There are moments I tell myself - heck it, just go, who cares about marriage? If I can't find the suitable person, I won't even get married so what gives at this stage? We'll deal with it when that issue comes. All I know now is I like him and I want to be with him.
Even right now, if you ask me what would I do on an impulse - I will tell you I will call him right up to meet him and tell him, heck with the rules, heck with your fears, heck with mine. We should just let go of the railings and go have a ride of our life. At least regret doing it, then regret not doing it.
After all these months spent with him - to be honest, I never once doubted he is a responsible person. And that was the very reason why he views commitment very very seriously. I know he likes me, and I appreciate that he was honest enough to tell me all these things when he could have strung me along and tell me only 3-4 years down the road.
I told him before - let's just put that matter at rest and not think about it for now. We are still at an early stage of the relationship. In my mind, if the love is good, what needs to come will come thereafter. He told me if it was going to end in 6 months, why don't we end it now? And then if it will end 5 years later, why don't we end it now?
What more can I say already?
Am I supposed to continously throw myself at someone who continuously rejects me this way?
I don't know anymore.
And the last thing I want is him taking me back because of pity and guilt.
I've pondered this before - because I was struggling inside, between going for a guy I neve felt this way before or sticking by a bounded situation. I like him, or if I can audaciously put it, I love him. To the point that it pains me alot that night to see him at a loss of what he wants in his life, and that at the bottom of my heart, I really just want this man to be happy.
To be honest, I find it more upsetting and painful to see him with that look of despair than him telling me he wants to call everything off. He said he has reached a point where he doesn't want to care about anything and anyone anymore - if permits, he wants to leave his dog alone too (and he loves his dog ALOT) but he knows that his dog is dependent on him, so he cannot do that.
I know I shouldn't be pushing anymore. I'm so scared he might break. And that is the last thing I want to do to him.
Nights after nights after that Tuesday night, I find myself saying this before I sleep "I just want him to be happy and please, anyone up there, make him happy." I honestly, just wants him to be happy.
My gut feel tells me he doesn't want me to waste my time on him, so he rather back off and let me go. But then again, it could be a clouded gut feel because I still have feelings for him.
I don't know what higher level (probably next stage of the relationship) but he did ask me before, why can't we just be living together for the next 3-4 decades? I said "Marriage is a cert, just a paper in between, what difference does it make?" He told me the commitment level is different.
There are moments I tell myself - heck it, just go, who cares about marriage? If I can't find the suitable person, I won't even get married so what gives at this stage? We'll deal with it when that issue comes. All I know now is I like him and I want to be with him.
Even right now, if you ask me what would I do on an impulse - I will tell you I will call him right up to meet him and tell him, heck with the rules, heck with your fears, heck with mine. We should just let go of the railings and go have a ride of our life. At least regret doing it, then regret not doing it.
After all these months spent with him - to be honest, I never once doubted he is a responsible person. And that was the very reason why he views commitment very very seriously. I know he likes me, and I appreciate that he was honest enough to tell me all these things when he could have strung me along and tell me only 3-4 years down the road.
I told him before - let's just put that matter at rest and not think about it for now. We are still at an early stage of the relationship. In my mind, if the love is good, what needs to come will come thereafter. He told me if it was going to end in 6 months, why don't we end it now? And then if it will end 5 years later, why don't we end it now?
What more can I say already?
Am I supposed to continously throw myself at someone who continuously rejects me this way?
I don't know anymore.
And the last thing I want is him taking me back because of pity and guilt.
bubblepuffs
New Member
> doLL: He keeps telling me to go sound out people who were divorced in the last 1-2 years and see if they want to get married again. He said "Don't ask those who are divorced for like 5 years."
And that was why he told me "Ask me again in 1-2 yrs time when things looks brighter...." and I don't know where he was going. Is he going to start looking at things at a more positive manner 2 years later or am I like a spare tyre?
There are times I feel like I'm thrown onto a road with 7 different directions and I don't know where to follow anymore.
Sure I would love to follow my heart which is to throw everything offhand and just go - but as what was mentioned above, the last thing I want is him taking me in because of pity and/or guilt.
And that was why he told me "Ask me again in 1-2 yrs time when things looks brighter...." and I don't know where he was going. Is he going to start looking at things at a more positive manner 2 years later or am I like a spare tyre?
There are times I feel like I'm thrown onto a road with 7 different directions and I don't know where to follow anymore.
Sure I would love to follow my heart which is to throw everything offhand and just go - but as what was mentioned above, the last thing I want is him taking me in because of pity and/or guilt.
Bubblepuffs,
If you have been honest...
It's better now than when I was reading the earlier exchanges you had with those forumers, because now it makes sense, than those 'imagine you distance from him' talks. LOL~
I can say you are really a confused low-confidence woman... but a lovely woman that makes me so fvcking jealous of that man. You are so considerate to him, so bothering about him... where so many women only think 'Me me me me me'...
So far, yes. You sound wonderful in my view. I have been searching... but I've never met such a great girl like you; still you lack some brains and maturity.
Look... When you got too serious, you'd think too much. He's still a guy there... He's not dead yet. Maybe he's down. Maybe he's not thinking straight. But you love him, if that's how your heart says... What? You WERE like telling the forum to me that you are going to cheat your heart...
Which is why I landed here.
You are in the early stage. But... I just want you to understand... because you could just be very very very caring a person when it comes to such men; itmay be a biological instinct... and I don't you to mix love with it. But you might have crossed the psychological line, and he might have been using it to 'pull and let off and pull you'... closer and closer.
You have to decide very carefully... is this really because towards him, you care. Or do you seriously love him? If you think you love him, you must tell me do you understand what love is? LOL~
Firstly, love doesn't matter with levels... See?
I see the confusion here. Common mistakes with women, be it with lovers or with husbands... it's dangerous for you to crush into the unknown like this.
One thing you should think it through is... why are you so bothered about what a guy says? In a way, you should be able to tell with a fair understanding of what he is towards you already.
Impulse... you said. LOL~
Look. You are a great girl, serious. As compared to those crazy women with 'Me me me me me me', you are so compassionate, so supportive, and you really have a heart for the man. You'd find someone.
But the problem here is...
You don't even know yourself. Maybe you know what you are thinking now, but... I just want you to be very clear. It's very dangerous if you have no control in a relationship... You must at least know yourself, and what you really really want.
Yes. You can have a commitment with no marriage. But this guy, equally, could be leading you so that he can cheat you. The ultimate love and the ultimate con-job sound the same, regretably. LOL~
The reason why I come in... is because you do have the very precious basis to form a super romantic story for yourself. Don't waste it. You really sound like a great girl.
It's not about him taking you back because of what... nor about throwing yourself to him. The guy is real, he still lives, you can still be a nice 'friend', you can still meet someone else... don't be so definite and demand certain conditions upon your relationship. It's no a game.
Relationship is no decision.
Your problem is... you are too confused. I thank you for revealing your what darkest thoughts or secrets...
Just to give a tip, hence. You cannot judge a man on being responsible or not. LOL~ When Irene Kang had Jack Neo's first child... I think she'd think Jack is a responsible chap... isn't it? LOL~
Women...
So... just let nature takes its course, and if you guys end up together again, I hope that time... you really understand what you really want. ^.6
Generally speaking, you are the type of girl man should happily marry. So, try to convince him you are not the other women.
On the hindsight... if you meet another and got married, then he decides you are the best and he comes for you... Complications.
So it's not him taking you back... it's always about you. LOL~
Ciao.
If you have been honest...
It's better now than when I was reading the earlier exchanges you had with those forumers, because now it makes sense, than those 'imagine you distance from him' talks. LOL~
I can say you are really a confused low-confidence woman... but a lovely woman that makes me so fvcking jealous of that man. You are so considerate to him, so bothering about him... where so many women only think 'Me me me me me'...
So far, yes. You sound wonderful in my view. I have been searching... but I've never met such a great girl like you; still you lack some brains and maturity.
Look... When you got too serious, you'd think too much. He's still a guy there... He's not dead yet. Maybe he's down. Maybe he's not thinking straight. But you love him, if that's how your heart says... What? You WERE like telling the forum to me that you are going to cheat your heart...
Which is why I landed here.
You are in the early stage. But... I just want you to understand... because you could just be very very very caring a person when it comes to such men; itmay be a biological instinct... and I don't you to mix love with it. But you might have crossed the psychological line, and he might have been using it to 'pull and let off and pull you'... closer and closer.
You have to decide very carefully... is this really because towards him, you care. Or do you seriously love him? If you think you love him, you must tell me do you understand what love is? LOL~
Firstly, love doesn't matter with levels... See?
I see the confusion here. Common mistakes with women, be it with lovers or with husbands... it's dangerous for you to crush into the unknown like this.
One thing you should think it through is... why are you so bothered about what a guy says? In a way, you should be able to tell with a fair understanding of what he is towards you already.
Impulse... you said. LOL~
Look. You are a great girl, serious. As compared to those crazy women with 'Me me me me me me', you are so compassionate, so supportive, and you really have a heart for the man. You'd find someone.
But the problem here is...
You don't even know yourself. Maybe you know what you are thinking now, but... I just want you to be very clear. It's very dangerous if you have no control in a relationship... You must at least know yourself, and what you really really want.
Yes. You can have a commitment with no marriage. But this guy, equally, could be leading you so that he can cheat you. The ultimate love and the ultimate con-job sound the same, regretably. LOL~
The reason why I come in... is because you do have the very precious basis to form a super romantic story for yourself. Don't waste it. You really sound like a great girl.
It's not about him taking you back because of what... nor about throwing yourself to him. The guy is real, he still lives, you can still be a nice 'friend', you can still meet someone else... don't be so definite and demand certain conditions upon your relationship. It's no a game.
Relationship is no decision.
Your problem is... you are too confused. I thank you for revealing your what darkest thoughts or secrets...
Just to give a tip, hence. You cannot judge a man on being responsible or not. LOL~ When Irene Kang had Jack Neo's first child... I think she'd think Jack is a responsible chap... isn't it? LOL~
Women...
So... just let nature takes its course, and if you guys end up together again, I hope that time... you really understand what you really want. ^.6
Generally speaking, you are the type of girl man should happily marry. So, try to convince him you are not the other women.
On the hindsight... if you meet another and got married, then he decides you are the best and he comes for you... Complications.
So it's not him taking you back... it's always about you. LOL~
Ciao.
bubblepuffs
New Member
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
I get what you mean lah oei.
Of course I have more pride and thoughts than doing that la or else no need to post here already - would be happily seizing the day with that dude - just speaking in the barest feelings form ever so this forum conversation gets to its fully glory naked form.
Hopefully not in the pornographic way.
I believe all of us have crazy thoughts at impulse - and that was mine. The kind that if you switch off your brain for a nanosecond, you want to do that. But most of the time, I have too much pride to do that. I care, I love, I cry, I feel for him, but I'll not go down on my knees to ask a guy to take me. Not even when he is Brad Pitt.
Which is why those are my darkest and most unhygiene thoughts - because my pride kept them safe in the dungeon.
Looking back, I don't know how many of those "God let's just go for the ride of our lives!" wash over me. Only to be pulled back after I go for a shower or a run.
That is the reason why - I chose to still stay in touch with him in a small subtle way. Yes I said I didn't want to be friends with him at the beach, that's just first instinct reaction I guess. But that being said - I think now he's the one who appears a little more uncomfortable speaking to me.
For whatever reason I don't know and no I don't want to speculate. Jumping to conclusions makes people very tired.
My guy friend said maybe I sounded too happy over the phone the other day. Whatever weird logic that was I'm not too sure.
To be honest, at the bottom of my heart, I know I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with a special someone (hopefully in a marriage form) but these are the things you cannot plan and plot about, it's not a career. So I don't want to hang that "I WANT TO GET MARRIED" billboard and let everyone mistake that I just want to be married, doesn't matter who. No, it matters. If it means I'm happier alone, I'll choose that path. At the end of the day, people just want to be happy, happy with what they chose and chose not to do.
What is love? I think everyone has a different definition to it - if you ask me why I like him, I can't even point out a reason why. It's just the entire package - trust me he ain't even good looking and he's just a few cm taller than me (and hellooo I'm below 1.6 LOL) - I have my fair share of suitors and a huge bunch of male friends (easier to hang out with guys I realized) - but there is something special about this dude.
Maybe I can audaciously put it as chemistry. He told me the same thing before - it could be the cuteness, it could be the sexiness but he feels it's the way we could communicate at a level on the most mundane of things.
Or maybe we are just both lying and we don't know what's going on. Hormonal disorder maybe.
Oh don't have to be jealous of him really...LOL The reason why I would put him first was because he started the relationship/courtship by putting me first. If I was in a bad mood after work, he would leave his friends' gathering to pick me up and we'll just do whatever I want to do. Even if it meant just staring out into the space at some random cafe. If it was something I wanted to do (and he has the least interest in), he would still do it if it made me happy. If he went overseas for work, he would call me before he board the plane, after he land and when he reaches the hotel. And no matter how late he had to entertain clients or how early he had to wake up the next day to cut a deal, he would invest in at least 15 min to speak with me before he sleeps.
Maybe you can say that's what a bf should do - I say I appreciate the effort because I don't do that when I travel for work. I just chat on MSN with him at night, sometimes I don't even chat because I'm so tired after my seminars. One thing I really liked about the relationship with him (in comparison to the others that I have) was that we give and take in a rather healthy way. Although I do admit, most of the time I take more than I give.
I care for him because I know he has always done that for me. Albeit sometimes he makes me cry during quarrels.
Might all be delusional, who knows. Haha
Oh no I'm not that caring in nature, ask any of my guy friends or suitors - I'm not the most nurturing person around. I'm loud, I'm tomboyish and sometimes I can cut your ego and not know it.
This dude told me that before too - he says I can be such a b*iatch sometimes.
I'm not usually bothered by what he says - but when it comes to the marriage issue i get REALLY bothered. Because it keeps coming up - to the point that even if I want to ignore, it will find its way back somehow. Like a pimple that keeps popping up in your face at the same spot plainly because you only used the pimple cream to curb it, but you forgot it's because you didn't wash your face.
And that was the crux of the issue - the 2 mindedness.
I take pride in that from start to the end, I've made it clear I want to remain open to everything - even things like one day if he turns gay I'm cool. But of course, as you said, I might be confused.
Maybe, maybe not. Do you remember what you were thinking at 24?
I get what you mean lah oei.
Of course I have more pride and thoughts than doing that la or else no need to post here already - would be happily seizing the day with that dude - just speaking in the barest feelings form ever so this forum conversation gets to its fully glory naked form.
Hopefully not in the pornographic way.
I believe all of us have crazy thoughts at impulse - and that was mine. The kind that if you switch off your brain for a nanosecond, you want to do that. But most of the time, I have too much pride to do that. I care, I love, I cry, I feel for him, but I'll not go down on my knees to ask a guy to take me. Not even when he is Brad Pitt.
Which is why those are my darkest and most unhygiene thoughts - because my pride kept them safe in the dungeon.
Looking back, I don't know how many of those "God let's just go for the ride of our lives!" wash over me. Only to be pulled back after I go for a shower or a run.
That is the reason why - I chose to still stay in touch with him in a small subtle way. Yes I said I didn't want to be friends with him at the beach, that's just first instinct reaction I guess. But that being said - I think now he's the one who appears a little more uncomfortable speaking to me.
For whatever reason I don't know and no I don't want to speculate. Jumping to conclusions makes people very tired.
My guy friend said maybe I sounded too happy over the phone the other day. Whatever weird logic that was I'm not too sure.
To be honest, at the bottom of my heart, I know I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with a special someone (hopefully in a marriage form) but these are the things you cannot plan and plot about, it's not a career. So I don't want to hang that "I WANT TO GET MARRIED" billboard and let everyone mistake that I just want to be married, doesn't matter who. No, it matters. If it means I'm happier alone, I'll choose that path. At the end of the day, people just want to be happy, happy with what they chose and chose not to do.
What is love? I think everyone has a different definition to it - if you ask me why I like him, I can't even point out a reason why. It's just the entire package - trust me he ain't even good looking and he's just a few cm taller than me (and hellooo I'm below 1.6 LOL) - I have my fair share of suitors and a huge bunch of male friends (easier to hang out with guys I realized) - but there is something special about this dude.
Maybe I can audaciously put it as chemistry. He told me the same thing before - it could be the cuteness, it could be the sexiness but he feels it's the way we could communicate at a level on the most mundane of things.
Or maybe we are just both lying and we don't know what's going on. Hormonal disorder maybe.
Oh don't have to be jealous of him really...LOL The reason why I would put him first was because he started the relationship/courtship by putting me first. If I was in a bad mood after work, he would leave his friends' gathering to pick me up and we'll just do whatever I want to do. Even if it meant just staring out into the space at some random cafe. If it was something I wanted to do (and he has the least interest in), he would still do it if it made me happy. If he went overseas for work, he would call me before he board the plane, after he land and when he reaches the hotel. And no matter how late he had to entertain clients or how early he had to wake up the next day to cut a deal, he would invest in at least 15 min to speak with me before he sleeps.
Maybe you can say that's what a bf should do - I say I appreciate the effort because I don't do that when I travel for work. I just chat on MSN with him at night, sometimes I don't even chat because I'm so tired after my seminars. One thing I really liked about the relationship with him (in comparison to the others that I have) was that we give and take in a rather healthy way. Although I do admit, most of the time I take more than I give.
I care for him because I know he has always done that for me. Albeit sometimes he makes me cry during quarrels.
Might all be delusional, who knows. Haha
Oh no I'm not that caring in nature, ask any of my guy friends or suitors - I'm not the most nurturing person around. I'm loud, I'm tomboyish and sometimes I can cut your ego and not know it.
This dude told me that before too - he says I can be such a b*iatch sometimes.
I'm not usually bothered by what he says - but when it comes to the marriage issue i get REALLY bothered. Because it keeps coming up - to the point that even if I want to ignore, it will find its way back somehow. Like a pimple that keeps popping up in your face at the same spot plainly because you only used the pimple cream to curb it, but you forgot it's because you didn't wash your face.
And that was the crux of the issue - the 2 mindedness.
I take pride in that from start to the end, I've made it clear I want to remain open to everything - even things like one day if he turns gay I'm cool. But of course, as you said, I might be confused.
Maybe, maybe not. Do you remember what you were thinking at 24?
Bubblepuffs,
LOL~ Simple and great... Not bad a girl you are.
But I sense something missing. Yet I can't pinpoint that important piece of puzzle... LOL~
Just say... You are after all... still a girl. Tom Boy or not, that's not the issue. Perhaps you chose a wrong title for your issue. LOL~
Definitely, it's not about him being divorced or not. Fate has you guys pulled together, the key is still... what God is planning for you. LOL~ It could be fun, it could be dangerous.
But at least I now know what you really want. LOL~ Which... I have to ask you this question and you should seriously answer with your best effort: <b>Why did he divorce in the first place?</b>
Don't tell me the list you have listed. LOL~ I think you should know what I want.
You are not caring... yeah, and your GUY friends... LOL~ I like people who are simple and straight. And you don't even sound defensive... Good.
So, tell me.
LOL~ Simple and great... Not bad a girl you are.
But I sense something missing. Yet I can't pinpoint that important piece of puzzle... LOL~
Just say... You are after all... still a girl. Tom Boy or not, that's not the issue. Perhaps you chose a wrong title for your issue. LOL~
Definitely, it's not about him being divorced or not. Fate has you guys pulled together, the key is still... what God is planning for you. LOL~ It could be fun, it could be dangerous.
But at least I now know what you really want. LOL~ Which... I have to ask you this question and you should seriously answer with your best effort: <b>Why did he divorce in the first place?</b>
Don't tell me the list you have listed. LOL~ I think you should know what I want.
You are not caring... yeah, and your GUY friends... LOL~ I like people who are simple and straight. And you don't even sound defensive... Good.
So, tell me.
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Hi Bubblepuffs,
Relationship should be fun and happy not exhausting. If you are unhappy, something is wrong.
You tend to think too much about the end result of dating ie. marriage or break up. to the extent you don't enjoy dating.
I had a "evil" mum.(No sex before marriage. No money from my side)
Surprisingly, I still have many suitors.
I don't really care about the end result at the early stage, just enjoy the dating process. Anyway, my "evil" mum's conditions would ensure my heart don't get hurt.
My mum found it amusing I'm so popular. I would shortlist the ones I prefered and gave the one I prefered most on the saturday, sunday. The rest would be on weekdays.
So I juggled with all these dates.
Nobody asked me to be their girlfriend, so I would not think too much and just treat them like an outing with friends.
Of course, when one of them started to bring me to see showflat, I knew that he was propably thinking of bringing it to the next level, that was when I would date exclusively.
I knew all along I want to be somebody's wife, mother, grandmother and so on. I don't want to stay stagnant at any stage of my life.
At your age, you should date many people to find out who you really want as a partner and also know yourself better.
I think you will not want to give up chance to be a wife, mother, grandmother, don't settle for less.
If you aim for marriage then don't settle for cohabitation.
Relationship should be fun and happy not exhausting. If you are unhappy, something is wrong.
You tend to think too much about the end result of dating ie. marriage or break up. to the extent you don't enjoy dating.
I had a "evil" mum.(No sex before marriage. No money from my side)
Surprisingly, I still have many suitors.
I don't really care about the end result at the early stage, just enjoy the dating process. Anyway, my "evil" mum's conditions would ensure my heart don't get hurt.
My mum found it amusing I'm so popular. I would shortlist the ones I prefered and gave the one I prefered most on the saturday, sunday. The rest would be on weekdays.
So I juggled with all these dates.
Nobody asked me to be their girlfriend, so I would not think too much and just treat them like an outing with friends.
Of course, when one of them started to bring me to see showflat, I knew that he was propably thinking of bringing it to the next level, that was when I would date exclusively.
I knew all along I want to be somebody's wife, mother, grandmother and so on. I don't want to stay stagnant at any stage of my life.
At your age, you should date many people to find out who you really want as a partner and also know yourself better.
I think you will not want to give up chance to be a wife, mother, grandmother, don't settle for less.
If you aim for marriage then don't settle for cohabitation.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Awww how sweet is that! Hahaha
Yeah maybe someone can pinpoint me what is the missing puzzle.
Although like what my mum likes to say - the only way to get out of murky water is to wait in patience for the dirt to settle. You will then see your way. Zen, short and sweet. I like.
WHY did he divorce in the first place - okay let's put it down step by step and maybe it helps me with the answering as well. Women like to voice out their thought process.
When I first knew him, I couldn't even gauge if he was married or not married. Because the ring wasn't there, but the ex colleagues were always asking him about a lady with the same name. And he usually goes I don't know.
The first time I knew him was 3 months after he filed for his divorce - I remember when the first colleague asked him "Where's 'name of wife'?" - he sulked and said "don't know la, maybe hanging out with some other men." My then colleague hit him on the arm and said "Aiyo don't say such things."
Subsequently I remembered I got invited to his place before for movie night (with other people as well) and he showed me around his house since it was the first time I was there. No trace of a female living in that place, no photos, no clothes, not even a trace of feminine smell. I asked where are your wife's stuff? He said "Oh she moved everything out."
I didn't probe either.
Subsequently, he started to ask me out more often than we always meet for the usual corporate drinks session. He started to include me in dinners which involves his good friends - I was always kind of out of place because everyone else was 35-37 years old and I was a 24 year old sticking out like a sore thumb. Good to know I was never out of place conversational wise. Somehow they think I speak their age.
Or maybe they were speaking mine.
Anyway that was when he started to openly announce his divorced status and that was how I know "OH, he's divorced" and then puzzle pieces started to fall into place.
There was once he was picking up his dog from his parents' place (he usually leave his dog there if he goes overseas for work) and he asked if I wanted to go up and meet his parents. I cringed a little inside and told him it's fine I'll wait downstairs. He organized an outing with him and his younger sister and me to watch a musical. Our common friends start to behave weirdly around me. And I started to sense things were a little amiss.
I was a little too involved in his life as a friend. Even when he was collecting his guitar, he would ask if I wanted to go with him. Or what he was doing at home, he would tell me too.
The day he professed his feelings, we were hanging out alone at some live-band pub. It was the one and only time we were hanging out alone - most of the time it's one big gang. And when I was standing out at the open watching the band, he came and hug me from behind. He asked me "You don't want to get married and have kids right?"
I spun around and "what the hell" him and pushed him aside. We left the area for a good quiet talk in his car.
In the car, he spoke of his divorce - not much just basically how it broken down. His ex-wife woke up one morning and decided that they weren't meant to be. He said maybe he was too complacent in the marriage - taking for granted that she will always be there. He said there are many a times he would come home from work, go straight into the room to do work, shower, eat a quick dinner from outside, do his conference calls and sleep. Wake up the next day for calls, and then work. And the whole cycle goes on.
He said if it was one thing he could deduce from the whole situation was - he lacked communication with her. During the divorce, she raised those issues mentioned in the few posts above and she talked about things she was unhappy with 5-6 years ago. Eventually 3 months later, she moved out and he filed for divorce.
To be honest, I never really hear him say anything bad about his ex-wife - he will just tell me she had a lot of money problems which he had to deal with after they divorced and he hated it. That was about it.
Most of his ex-wife's doings were made known to me through his friends.
He told me in the car "I'm Catholic, unless I annul my marriage, I cannot get married in the church again. If you want to walk down the aisle, this is something I cannot give you." I don't really care about that because well I'm a freethinker, walking down the aisle is not really as important as being truly committed in a relationship/marriage.
Of course i told him I cannot do the "no marriage thing" and hence the 6 months window mentioned.
That night when we discussed (Tuesday night) - he told me he felt very comforted to be left alone when he just comes home from work. He just wants to recuperate and not talk to anyone. He said "I'm the cause of the divorce...maybe it's just me, I just want to be alone and hence the communication breakdown."
Based on my observation - he takes up too much responsibilities sometimes - or maybe view them too seriously. There are times when he's too busy to talk to me during work - he would apologize for sounding rude (To be honest "I'm going in a meeting soon, can't talk" is not THAT rude) and apologize for being busy and not being able to talk to me when I want to talk to him.
C'mon, I'm not a kid, I work too I know how it's like to rush deadlines. Sometimes I don't even respond to MSNs or phones when I am busy!
My gut feel tells me he wants an independent lady - but yet at the same time he feels fully responsible for her in every way if he was a man in their life.
Real reason behind the divorce? I wouldn't know, maybe his ex-wife might know, after all they were together for 9 years.
Yeah maybe someone can pinpoint me what is the missing puzzle.
Although like what my mum likes to say - the only way to get out of murky water is to wait in patience for the dirt to settle. You will then see your way. Zen, short and sweet. I like.
WHY did he divorce in the first place - okay let's put it down step by step and maybe it helps me with the answering as well. Women like to voice out their thought process.
When I first knew him, I couldn't even gauge if he was married or not married. Because the ring wasn't there, but the ex colleagues were always asking him about a lady with the same name. And he usually goes I don't know.
The first time I knew him was 3 months after he filed for his divorce - I remember when the first colleague asked him "Where's 'name of wife'?" - he sulked and said "don't know la, maybe hanging out with some other men." My then colleague hit him on the arm and said "Aiyo don't say such things."
Subsequently I remembered I got invited to his place before for movie night (with other people as well) and he showed me around his house since it was the first time I was there. No trace of a female living in that place, no photos, no clothes, not even a trace of feminine smell. I asked where are your wife's stuff? He said "Oh she moved everything out."
I didn't probe either.
Subsequently, he started to ask me out more often than we always meet for the usual corporate drinks session. He started to include me in dinners which involves his good friends - I was always kind of out of place because everyone else was 35-37 years old and I was a 24 year old sticking out like a sore thumb. Good to know I was never out of place conversational wise. Somehow they think I speak their age.
Or maybe they were speaking mine.
Anyway that was when he started to openly announce his divorced status and that was how I know "OH, he's divorced" and then puzzle pieces started to fall into place.
There was once he was picking up his dog from his parents' place (he usually leave his dog there if he goes overseas for work) and he asked if I wanted to go up and meet his parents. I cringed a little inside and told him it's fine I'll wait downstairs. He organized an outing with him and his younger sister and me to watch a musical. Our common friends start to behave weirdly around me. And I started to sense things were a little amiss.
I was a little too involved in his life as a friend. Even when he was collecting his guitar, he would ask if I wanted to go with him. Or what he was doing at home, he would tell me too.
The day he professed his feelings, we were hanging out alone at some live-band pub. It was the one and only time we were hanging out alone - most of the time it's one big gang. And when I was standing out at the open watching the band, he came and hug me from behind. He asked me "You don't want to get married and have kids right?"
I spun around and "what the hell" him and pushed him aside. We left the area for a good quiet talk in his car.
In the car, he spoke of his divorce - not much just basically how it broken down. His ex-wife woke up one morning and decided that they weren't meant to be. He said maybe he was too complacent in the marriage - taking for granted that she will always be there. He said there are many a times he would come home from work, go straight into the room to do work, shower, eat a quick dinner from outside, do his conference calls and sleep. Wake up the next day for calls, and then work. And the whole cycle goes on.
He said if it was one thing he could deduce from the whole situation was - he lacked communication with her. During the divorce, she raised those issues mentioned in the few posts above and she talked about things she was unhappy with 5-6 years ago. Eventually 3 months later, she moved out and he filed for divorce.
To be honest, I never really hear him say anything bad about his ex-wife - he will just tell me she had a lot of money problems which he had to deal with after they divorced and he hated it. That was about it.
Most of his ex-wife's doings were made known to me through his friends.
He told me in the car "I'm Catholic, unless I annul my marriage, I cannot get married in the church again. If you want to walk down the aisle, this is something I cannot give you." I don't really care about that because well I'm a freethinker, walking down the aisle is not really as important as being truly committed in a relationship/marriage.
Of course i told him I cannot do the "no marriage thing" and hence the 6 months window mentioned.
That night when we discussed (Tuesday night) - he told me he felt very comforted to be left alone when he just comes home from work. He just wants to recuperate and not talk to anyone. He said "I'm the cause of the divorce...maybe it's just me, I just want to be alone and hence the communication breakdown."
Based on my observation - he takes up too much responsibilities sometimes - or maybe view them too seriously. There are times when he's too busy to talk to me during work - he would apologize for sounding rude (To be honest "I'm going in a meeting soon, can't talk" is not THAT rude) and apologize for being busy and not being able to talk to me when I want to talk to him.
C'mon, I'm not a kid, I work too I know how it's like to rush deadlines. Sometimes I don't even respond to MSNs or phones when I am busy!
My gut feel tells me he wants an independent lady - but yet at the same time he feels fully responsible for her in every way if he was a man in their life.
Real reason behind the divorce? I wouldn't know, maybe his ex-wife might know, after all they were together for 9 years.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Hi Albee,
AH my mum has the same thoughts as you. No sex before marriage and no money from my side.
Once in a while I pay when I am the one who booked the tickets and I have no change to give it back to him when he pays. Other than that he pays everything. He whines about me not paying, but when I really do, he'll say no it's ok he will take it.
???? Men.
I wish I could man but he keeps throwing the same disclaimer in my face I'm like OMG OMG OMG OMG. And he started it with wanting to do it exclusively.
I do go out with other guys when I was with this dude - well because I have many male friends! And yes none of them knows I was attached.
But this was the exact thing that drove this dude crazy as well. He would always ask me who I am messaging and he would always ask are we dating exclusively.
There was once he knew I was going out with another senior of mine for ice skating - he asked every single day of the week if I was really going. On the day itself, just 2 hours before the senior was coming to pick me up, he asked me "Can you don't go?"
I said no, I made the promise to go, I will go. And so I went.
He wasn't happy when I have loads of messages from people from SDU (had that account so we could all go and have fun outings!) and he wanted to know all the guys who texted me.
I mean...I wasn't really keen to even use the website.
To be honest, I was happy most of the time in that relationship because we had a lot of fun together doing stupid random stuff - but once in a while this heavy bomb drops on me and it totally gets on my nerves.
GAH
My colleague was saying "At your age you should be doing Buffett not Ala Carte!"
Right.
AH my mum has the same thoughts as you. No sex before marriage and no money from my side.
Once in a while I pay when I am the one who booked the tickets and I have no change to give it back to him when he pays. Other than that he pays everything. He whines about me not paying, but when I really do, he'll say no it's ok he will take it.
???? Men.
I wish I could man but he keeps throwing the same disclaimer in my face I'm like OMG OMG OMG OMG. And he started it with wanting to do it exclusively.
I do go out with other guys when I was with this dude - well because I have many male friends! And yes none of them knows I was attached.
But this was the exact thing that drove this dude crazy as well. He would always ask me who I am messaging and he would always ask are we dating exclusively.
There was once he knew I was going out with another senior of mine for ice skating - he asked every single day of the week if I was really going. On the day itself, just 2 hours before the senior was coming to pick me up, he asked me "Can you don't go?"
I said no, I made the promise to go, I will go. And so I went.
He wasn't happy when I have loads of messages from people from SDU (had that account so we could all go and have fun outings!) and he wanted to know all the guys who texted me.
I mean...I wasn't really keen to even use the website.
To be honest, I was happy most of the time in that relationship because we had a lot of fun together doing stupid random stuff - but once in a while this heavy bomb drops on me and it totally gets on my nerves.
GAH
My colleague was saying "At your age you should be doing Buffett not Ala Carte!"
Right.
Bubblepuffs,
LOL~
Go slow, baby. Why don't you hang out with his sis, and find out the real reasons for his divorce, and most importantly... why they married.
The sis won't have the complete or even reliable answers... neither will the wife. But it'd help nonetheless. It's sad that I am not one of your guy friends... or it'd be easy to tell. LOL~
But you have to understand... I sense he's hiding something, from a guy on a guy. And eh... most guys won't just grab a lady from behind. He sounds too confident to me. You have to be meticulous in details. If he is really that sort of guy you so described... something is wrong... ... LOL~
You don't have to trust me. But I'm going to be blunt with you.
Be on high alert, my dear. LOL~ Sounds to me you have a hunter behind your ass... ... He'd be back.
Your friend is right... even I have 'buffet'... LOL~ But it's not because of age. You are... ahem... too green too young... too sensitive.
You can only gauge guys correctly... with brains. Otherwise, you must have more experience. Besides, pubs are not the places to hunt decent guys. I know. Because I shun pubs and discos myself for girls or... chicks. LOL~
There is a character flaw in this chap. So... hmm... LOL~ Be warned.
LOL~
Go slow, baby. Why don't you hang out with his sis, and find out the real reasons for his divorce, and most importantly... why they married.
The sis won't have the complete or even reliable answers... neither will the wife. But it'd help nonetheless. It's sad that I am not one of your guy friends... or it'd be easy to tell. LOL~
But you have to understand... I sense he's hiding something, from a guy on a guy. And eh... most guys won't just grab a lady from behind. He sounds too confident to me. You have to be meticulous in details. If he is really that sort of guy you so described... something is wrong... ... LOL~
You don't have to trust me. But I'm going to be blunt with you.
Be on high alert, my dear. LOL~ Sounds to me you have a hunter behind your ass... ... He'd be back.
Your friend is right... even I have 'buffet'... LOL~ But it's not because of age. You are... ahem... too green too young... too sensitive.
You can only gauge guys correctly... with brains. Otherwise, you must have more experience. Besides, pubs are not the places to hunt decent guys. I know. Because I shun pubs and discos myself for girls or... chicks. LOL~
There is a character flaw in this chap. So... hmm... LOL~ Be warned.
bubblepuffs
New Member
Hellloooo Scope Guy~~
I like how our conversation is unfolding. I never reject a fresh pair of eyes
Sounds like a dangerous plan that someone up there has arranged. Hahaha.
I don't think his sister will know the reason because I remember she was asking G (recap: dude's friend) if dude has been speaking about the breakdown of the marriage to him. She mentioned he hardly talks about it at home (he goes to his parents' place every sunday) and when his mother asks about it - he usually only talk about the technical stuff like what is being filed and stuff.
According to the sister, he doesn't share much about his emotions. Usually a little bit if his mum pushes a little more. She told me they were actually a little worried about him.
I'm not sure if his sister would know much about the reason for them getting married :S His friend G did mention that she wasn't really the marriage sort, she was the kind of girl who knew more about having fun than about responsibilities. I'm not sure how much of salt to that to take with.
Corporate drinks sessions are usually get togethers and they usually choose live band restaurants. That's considered pub I guess? That's where I met him. Most of our activities were usually movies, eating, sports and musicals thereafter. HMMM
I was very wary of him at the beginning. And he would always say "one day, you will know who I truly am la." I sounded people he used to work with, his long time friends, his car-friends (pple who drives the same sports car) - to be honest most people has pretty good reviews of him.
Then I start to wonder if I was thinking too much. Maybe I wasn't?
Food for thought.
Hunter???? Wow. I must have been an exciting target then because he said in jest before I was very hard to get.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be funny. Tell-tale sign?
I guess maybe I was pretty open to him as well and I'm sure he was pretty sure I had positive feelings for him before he hugged. Before that, if he had a chance to ask me to the dancefloor (restaurant, not disco kind..) He would and I seldom decline.
But then again I do dance with other directors too. HMMM.
You want to join my fraternity? The thing is none of my friends has met him (except my BFF) but I've met most of his (or at least I think). He used to ask me many times when he can meet mine or request to join but I never quite accede to that request. Just in case due to age gap there might be awkward silence. And he used to get disturbed by the part which I never quite introduced him that way.
Hence not many people actually knows I am attached.
Wow you so sure he will come back hahahaha. I don't think so leh.
HMM
I like how our conversation is unfolding. I never reject a fresh pair of eyes
Sounds like a dangerous plan that someone up there has arranged. Hahaha.
I don't think his sister will know the reason because I remember she was asking G (recap: dude's friend) if dude has been speaking about the breakdown of the marriage to him. She mentioned he hardly talks about it at home (he goes to his parents' place every sunday) and when his mother asks about it - he usually only talk about the technical stuff like what is being filed and stuff.
According to the sister, he doesn't share much about his emotions. Usually a little bit if his mum pushes a little more. She told me they were actually a little worried about him.
I'm not sure if his sister would know much about the reason for them getting married :S His friend G did mention that she wasn't really the marriage sort, she was the kind of girl who knew more about having fun than about responsibilities. I'm not sure how much of salt to that to take with.
Corporate drinks sessions are usually get togethers and they usually choose live band restaurants. That's considered pub I guess? That's where I met him. Most of our activities were usually movies, eating, sports and musicals thereafter. HMMM
I was very wary of him at the beginning. And he would always say "one day, you will know who I truly am la." I sounded people he used to work with, his long time friends, his car-friends (pple who drives the same sports car) - to be honest most people has pretty good reviews of him.
Then I start to wonder if I was thinking too much. Maybe I wasn't?
Food for thought.
Hunter???? Wow. I must have been an exciting target then because he said in jest before I was very hard to get.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be funny. Tell-tale sign?
I guess maybe I was pretty open to him as well and I'm sure he was pretty sure I had positive feelings for him before he hugged. Before that, if he had a chance to ask me to the dancefloor (restaurant, not disco kind..) He would and I seldom decline.
But then again I do dance with other directors too. HMMM.
You want to join my fraternity? The thing is none of my friends has met him (except my BFF) but I've met most of his (or at least I think). He used to ask me many times when he can meet mine or request to join but I never quite accede to that request. Just in case due to age gap there might be awkward silence. And he used to get disturbed by the part which I never quite introduced him that way.
Hence not many people actually knows I am attached.
Wow you so sure he will come back hahahaha. I don't think so leh.
HMM
Bubblepuffs,
LOL~
It's a small world here with you in the same circus, why not? LOL~
Unless he's already tired of having sex with you, it's likely it's not yet game over.
Dampener, but you are like having too much fun to me in dealing with a relationship. LOL~
A person who hides everything to the point his sister and parents won't know... even when his wife was family... How... 'interesting'. LOL~
Well...
Me? I don't date avatars nor go offline for avatars. ^.6 It's very tempting, especially when you and your BFFs could be very attractive. I am only a guy. LOL~ But no. I'm happy to know such a great girl still exist in forum.
You truly need a great other one, no offence. I don't think he's the right one for you. But... I know this is something subjective, and I am saying this from a third party's point of view.
You know a Sad And Heartbroken asked why I said she didn't marry due to love, and she said she married because of love... when... LOL~ when she told us she doesn't even understand whom she has married!
Bubblepuffs, for your own good... I don't want such a great girl like you to argue with me later on in your life this sort of things. LOL~ Don't be a prey of a hunter... unless you love the fun.
So whether you love him or not...
You can claim like Sad And Heartbroken you love the guy so much, then you marry, then ends up you don't even know the guy you are married to... God's little test can be small, but yes... dangerous as well. Sad And Heartbroken will take time to face herself...
You must use her to be your mirror. How lucky you are... LOL~
Dance with me some day, if fate allows us to meet. (Smiling)
I like my serene life actually. Corporate high life may not be so suitable for me. If you have anymore stories, I'd like to enjoy.
One more tip... NEVER ever get reviews of a guy from friends and such. LOL~ Don't be lazy, use your own sixth sense, super powers, whatever. What is compatible to them as a friend or associate or son need not be so as being compatible to you as a partner... See?
LOL~ You should talk to a Denise80 here. You two should be great pals. Don't be confused, Bubblepuffs.
LOL~
It's a small world here with you in the same circus, why not? LOL~
Unless he's already tired of having sex with you, it's likely it's not yet game over.
Dampener, but you are like having too much fun to me in dealing with a relationship. LOL~
A person who hides everything to the point his sister and parents won't know... even when his wife was family... How... 'interesting'. LOL~
Well...
Me? I don't date avatars nor go offline for avatars. ^.6 It's very tempting, especially when you and your BFFs could be very attractive. I am only a guy. LOL~ But no. I'm happy to know such a great girl still exist in forum.
You truly need a great other one, no offence. I don't think he's the right one for you. But... I know this is something subjective, and I am saying this from a third party's point of view.
You know a Sad And Heartbroken asked why I said she didn't marry due to love, and she said she married because of love... when... LOL~ when she told us she doesn't even understand whom she has married!
Bubblepuffs, for your own good... I don't want such a great girl like you to argue with me later on in your life this sort of things. LOL~ Don't be a prey of a hunter... unless you love the fun.
So whether you love him or not...
You can claim like Sad And Heartbroken you love the guy so much, then you marry, then ends up you don't even know the guy you are married to... God's little test can be small, but yes... dangerous as well. Sad And Heartbroken will take time to face herself...
You must use her to be your mirror. How lucky you are... LOL~
Dance with me some day, if fate allows us to meet. (Smiling)
I like my serene life actually. Corporate high life may not be so suitable for me. If you have anymore stories, I'd like to enjoy.
One more tip... NEVER ever get reviews of a guy from friends and such. LOL~ Don't be lazy, use your own sixth sense, super powers, whatever. What is compatible to them as a friend or associate or son need not be so as being compatible to you as a partner... See?
LOL~ You should talk to a Denise80 here. You two should be great pals. Don't be confused, Bubblepuffs.
bubblepuffs
New Member
HMMM
I haven't and don't plan to sleep with him. Hahah so essentially there's nothing much for him to come back for. Hahaha
Having too much fun? Which part?
He told me before his ex-wife didn't like his family a lot, especially his younger sister and sister-in-law, citing they are not able to carry off intelligent conversations. Which he told me they are fun people to speak to, just not the kind you talk about politics or economic overview with - I do agree his younger sister is interesting to talk to and so is his sister-in-law.
He told me there are times he wondered who she actually likes because she seemed to dislike everything around him - his friends, his hobbies, selected family members.
You know what - I posted the same question to him. Did you marry out of love? (Because of all the things he said to me, I don't know - it sounded like he was paying responsibilities for being with her after 5 years and she married because she didn't like staying with her parents).
He told me the reason he married was the same reason why I wanted - to make the person you love family. He said "This was my thought before I got married but after the divorce, I don't know anymore." He told me it was beyond painful, it was scarring to have everything you built up in every sense to be taken away and torn apart like that. Life thrown in arrays just like that, without a warning.
He said going through the divorce himself was one thing, but having to see his parents watch him go through it - he said that feeling wasn't great. And that was the reason why he doesn't speak much about the things that happens throughout the whole divorce process except the technical stuff.
I believe he spoke to his mum a little more - at least that was what he told me.
I don't think I have to think about that issue anymore now right since it's over already. He has initiated a breakup and given his ego I don't think he will come back for it.
Although at the back of my nagging mind, somehow it feels it might come back - I like to attribute it to my clouded gut feel.
Clouded by my current feelings for him.
BOO.
I haven't and don't plan to sleep with him. Hahah so essentially there's nothing much for him to come back for. Hahaha
Having too much fun? Which part?
He told me before his ex-wife didn't like his family a lot, especially his younger sister and sister-in-law, citing they are not able to carry off intelligent conversations. Which he told me they are fun people to speak to, just not the kind you talk about politics or economic overview with - I do agree his younger sister is interesting to talk to and so is his sister-in-law.
He told me there are times he wondered who she actually likes because she seemed to dislike everything around him - his friends, his hobbies, selected family members.
You know what - I posted the same question to him. Did you marry out of love? (Because of all the things he said to me, I don't know - it sounded like he was paying responsibilities for being with her after 5 years and she married because she didn't like staying with her parents).
He told me the reason he married was the same reason why I wanted - to make the person you love family. He said "This was my thought before I got married but after the divorce, I don't know anymore." He told me it was beyond painful, it was scarring to have everything you built up in every sense to be taken away and torn apart like that. Life thrown in arrays just like that, without a warning.
He said going through the divorce himself was one thing, but having to see his parents watch him go through it - he said that feeling wasn't great. And that was the reason why he doesn't speak much about the things that happens throughout the whole divorce process except the technical stuff.
I believe he spoke to his mum a little more - at least that was what he told me.
I don't think I have to think about that issue anymore now right since it's over already. He has initiated a breakup and given his ego I don't think he will come back for it.
Although at the back of my nagging mind, somehow it feels it might come back - I like to attribute it to my clouded gut feel.
Clouded by my current feelings for him.
BOO.
