Dating / marrying a Divorcee

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Denise,

WAH!

He doesn't talk much about his ex-wife, except the part where he declared his feelings for me and I asked about his divorce, he spoke about it. Whenever I have a question about his ex-wife or divorce, I would ask and he would answer. He was pretty open answering them. There will only be very few occasions that he would bring her up, like when I asked how come he hasn't contact his friends for so long et cetera. When we go out shopping/watch movie, he doesn't bring her up as well.

He doesn't put his ex-wife in a bad light to be honest, he cited that he lacked communication with his ex-wife because as an investment banker, he worked very long hours and that he probably did neglected her. He told me during their partoh-ing days, she took his ATM card to draw funds before (without his consent - took his atm card from room and she knew his pin because she was always around when he make his withdrawal) - he said as a fresh grad that time, money decreasing in bank accounts is very obvious. But he forgive her for that incident because she admitted it when he asked her.

So at the back of my mind to be honest, I never had much of a bad impression of the ex-wife. It was his close friends who told me that his ex-wife was selfish and everything was always about her. When her business was failing, the guy was to pick the tab - but she still insisted on owning expensive cars so he gave in and supported both his and her cars. She didn't want to pay for their apartment either and often spend much as well - he became tied down to the apartment, cars and her failing business as well.

From what I know, through the years, she never really cared if the guy was happy about anything, she wanted things her way. His close friends said he probably did look for wrong things in a life partner at that time because she was fun to be around with but she doesn't like sharing responsibilities. She only likes to have fun.

No la don't intend to marry till maybe late 20s or very early 30s because I have my career vision now. But I don't know, it's like the last time we talked about it, he said he just want me to be comfortable knowing that no matter how great/fantastic we can be in the years down the road, marriage might not be on the books. And he wants me to know that before we move any further. I don't know but it feels like a disclaimer to me that if I ever bring it up in future and I don't get it, it's like I deserved it. Hahaha

He did mention as well what if I spend a good 5-6 years with him and he still has his fears, I would have wasted a good part of my prime already.

Yeah there are times I ask myself, why drop it off like that we haven't even officially started or anything. Maybe 6 months down the road we are not suitable for each other and we can all drop this nonsense LOL.

I don't know maybe I have a fear on my side as well that if everything turns out well and I have to leave the r/s because well our end destinations are not the same for a relationship :S

Am I overthinking?

 

[blingbride]

"My HB is 12 yrs older than me too. I was 19 when I knew him. Married him when I was 24. Bore him a son when I was 26. Aiyer... still, hes wary of me. -_- What can I say now? I cant be possibly divorce him because of this issnt it?

Actually my problem is more on the in laws part. My MIL especially. She acts as if shes a fortune teller. Sway part is she seemed to be able to guess the ending of her son's relationship all the time. So, my HB is like sort of believing all the nonsense which my MIL created. Haha!"

Denise,

You sound EXACTLY like me! I got to know my HTB at 19, we have a 12yrs age gap, my MIL hates me and predicts us to end, how coincidental..

Only difference is that HTB has detached himself from his past marriage long enough that he never mentioned much since the start of me knowing him. And he's rather positive bout marriage, saying that it's a whole different platform with me and we will make it. Only thing is like all humans have, hoping we dont fail this marriage for whatever reasons..

Now, after bout 5yrs of dating, we are getting married in exactly 3weeks time.. and know what, I am 24yrs old now too! How exact to your scenario.. Well, hope the both of us have a successful, blissful marriage and future together with our spouse...

 

[bubblepuffs]

Congrats Lya! it's good to know he is still positive about marriage

 

[lootcart]

Wahahaha!!! So qiao Lya! Your HB is on yur side when it comes to MIL-DIL issues? There was 1 time I almost divorce with HB because of MIL! -_- Things are fine now but dont know when I will step on the next mile!

Bubblepuffs,

when u quoted "want me to be comfortable knowing that no matter how great/fantastic we can be in the years down the road, marriage might not be on the books", actually its very true de. If this comes from someone who is about our age, I probably think he still wants his freedom. But when this comes from someone who is mid 30s, they are speaking out of experiences.

Look at the world today. I'm sure you heard of many stories on 3rd parties, huge quarrels over in laws, financial etc. When 2 person click very well during par-toh days, it doesnt mean they can live together for the rest of the whole life. Theres nothing much a marriage cert can do except to apply for a HDB flat and able to take half of the man's assets off after divorce. 2 unrelated person can buy house together, open a joint a/c and do watever married couples will do. Even children is the same, you can put the man's name into the child's birth cert. This may sounds "mei you an quan gan" but I dun see every marriage is a blissful one.

A woman tend to think a lot further than man. Since you dun intend to get married so young, go ahead and try lo! =)

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Denise,

HAHAHA you are so cute lol

Yeah he did tell me his marriage days felt like a prison because he was doing all the housework, purchasing of house, making sure insurance was done up, this was working, that has been taken care of. He didn't get to go on his skiing trips (he love skiing) because his ex-wife didn't want to go and she said if he wanted her to go, he would have to pay for her share too. So he started to drop off going to skiing trips, gradually started to lose his close friends too.

He told me the divorce was a little like being freed from a cage - although it was painful when the divorce papers arrived. He said this was an amicable one and yet it was already so troublesome. What if the next one is not an amicable one? And I thought to myself "he's already thinking of the next divorce?!" Haha.

Yeah I've been hearing a lot of stories on that - but I try not to make myself get affected by it.

Maybe I am overthinking but I have a nagging feeling behind my mind too. Haha

What ran through your mind when you were partoh-ing with your hubby?

 

[blingbride]

Hi Bubble and Denise,

It's a tiring phase now, rushing everything to settle before our wedding date and trying to settle our house by this week.. I have taken a month's leave to concentrate on wedding preps while HTB is concentrating on his work, it's impossible for him to leave work for a day even, I wonder how the before and after wedding days are gonna be, I'll kill him if he says he's returning to work the Monday itself after our wedding on Sat!

Sad news is my in laws are not gonna be attending our wedding. They strongly disapprove of me and till the end they crushed our hopes of being around. He's accepting though, I feel so guilty and bad but he puts us above them.. Hope all goes fine for us man

 

[cuclainne]

i got to know my husband about 6 months after getting out from a previous toxic relationship. He had also gotten out from a bad relationship at about the same time. It took some time for them to sort out issues like dividing assets, etc and they were only granted the divorce the following year by which time i was already engaged to him.

my parents did not disapprove of me marrying a divorcee because he's already ended his previous union, i wasn't a third party and also because he's a genuinely nice person. his family are great - i get along well with everyone. we've been married for about 4 years now with 2 children ..

Lya, my husband didn't take any leave when we had our ROM because he just joined the company and was undergoing training then .. we had our ROM on a Saturday and he was back to work on the Monday. He didn't take any leave when we had our AD on the weekend too .. lol .. for our wedding dinner a few days prior to the lunch hosted by my parents, he came to the restaurant straight from work - i had to bring a change of shirt for him. Lol ..

 

[cuclainne]

Denise, Bubblepuffs

Oh my husband was that way too initially .. he was disillusioned with the whole marriage thing but knew what he needed to do to be with me. in the beginning, he didn't even want to wear his wedding ring because he said that the ring had lost its significance to him because of what happened previously (ex-wife cheated on him) but gave in after he knew how much it would mean to me ..

same when it came to holidays .. didn't want to go here or there cos it brought back memories of the ex but i explained to him that it was unfair to me cos i want to be able to experience all these things with him, to start afresh and eventually he agreed to.

my husband is the bigger earner in the family but he leaves it to me to make sure that the bills are paid, etc .. so i have access to his IB, chequebook. sometimes i do spend on myself (ahem!) but i do seek his opinion first ...

 

[blingbride]

Oh Cuc,

How sad that is right, to have your HTB working round the clock and 'clocking in' just in time for your wedding and then off again! Oh my God.. wonder what my exact scenario gonna be.. Most probably guess same as you.. tsk tsk...

 

[cuclainne]

Lya, we didn't even get the chance to go on any honeymoon cos i got pregnant shortly after ROM and then he saved all his leave till the year end when i was due to stay home with me. then when daughter was 6 months' old, we went back to his home country to show baby to the family and when we came back, i was pregnant again - lol .. we only went on our honeymoon in 2008 .. after having two kids!! now we try to go away for some couple time about once a year - our retreat from the kids

 

[blingbride]

Haha! Oh my gosh, hard time... but I guess not too hard as you managed to get pregnant time and again which means there was fun too! *ahem!*

 

[cuclainne]

hahahahah .. my step-MIL even asked if i was pregnant again in 2008 cos she saw the husband had his hand on my stomach during dinner .. aiyoh, think i got nothing better to do than to get pregnant year after year, is it .. lol ..

 

[blingbride]

Your bedroom secrets leak out when you end up getting pregnant soon after the other.. People know for sure how 'active' you are... haha

 

[bubblepuffs]

Wow Cuclainne!

Congrats to you and your husband for moving on to a greater relationship after the previous bad one

Just wondering..did you guys go through a strong stage of uncertainty because he already expressed his desire to not get married/fears of such a relationship?

 

[cuclainne]

Lya, though not as active as most of his fellow country-men and women .. taking into account the generous maternity/paternity leave and child allowances .. lol ..

Bubblepuffs, thanks. i've asked him several times over what made him decide to propose so quickly (less than 2 weeks after we met each other in real life) and everytime he has a different answer .. lol .. sometimes he would say it's because he's already sure that he wants to spend his life with me, another time he would say that he knew that he had to marry me for us to be together (i wasn't looking for a relationship without commitment) and on other occasions, he said he didn't want me to slip away from his grasp .. lol ..

we both were wary of getting into another relationship so quickly but something about it felt right which is why probably he proposed so quickly and why i accepted. lol ..

it's just the little things that he carried as 'baggage' from the previous relationship .. but we worked through them. i was more worried about me being a holiday fling than something more substantial to him, than anything else .. lol.

plus we had no time to be uncertain cos after he proposed in sg, we got engaged when he proposed a second time with a ring and less than a year later, we were married followed very quickly by two kids .. hahahaha ..

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hahahahah the 2 of you are lucky!

I guess for my case...I'll leave it as it is..stepping back as friends..because he has been clear about being fearful of marriage. I did ask him what did he had in mind when he declared his feelings for me.

He told me he could see many years with me but he just can't bring himself to marry again at this point in time (and probably many years to come) - I understand that fear so I don't want to push it either.

Maybe not meant to be bah lol

 

[lootcart]

Wah Lya! U took a mth off just to prepare the wedding? My wedding was done up within 3mths after ROM. From the Guo Da Li to bridal shoots and dinner. Within 3 mths. Hehe. Too much time given to me will end up in procastination. Might as well chop chop pass that tedious period!

Why did your in laws have so much hatred in you? I hope u r not staying with them after wedding wor... Will have a hard time managing them!

Bubblepuffs,

Its normal reaction for him bah... If hes still very enthu about marriage, aiyer... I guess he didnt treat marriage as an important thing. TO prepare a wedding takes a lot of effort. If I were to divorce now, I probably wun want to get married so soon. Not because I got no faith in relationship. Getting married zhen de hen ma fan! Hehe.

Culaninne, congrats!!

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Denise,

Yeah he said getting married is a lot of work, and getting the divorce was a lot of work too :S LOL

Wrong timing I guess...

He said he just didn't believe in the institution (of marriage) anymore. I asked him don't you want someone to go home to at the end of the day?

He said yes but one doesn't need marriage to do that. Even when you are married to someone, nothing can tie them to you if they want to leave you.

Cue signs of a broken man lol.

He said maybe if it's a shotgun then he will get married or if his new company offer package is going to support his spouse in many things in life (I think he got scared paying too much for his ex-wife..lol)

Maybe I am overthinking at such an early stage or rather I've always dated single men who are open to the idea of marriage at the end of the tunnel if something turns out well.

I could have taken the leap if he didn't say "Sure you don't want to get married?" And I will hesitate again - so scary to be sealing my fate at 23 years old. If he had mentioned that if we go well, ok maybe we might. But he just kind of shut that door on me so I guess the only thing I can do now is to try to move on.

I gave him a 6 months window to slowly move through his baggage - which will end in July so there's still some time for me to slowly detach from him. I am still around as a friend just that we don't hang out that often anymore.

Still trying to psycho myself on a daily basis that his mentality will still remain negative after this window so it will not be too hurting for me :S

 

[blingbride]

Denise, your wedding preparation period allowed you 3 months.. mine is only 3 WEEKS!! Of cos I need my dear leave to tie things down, especially so when HTB cant get time off work, worse still he's not doin 9-5 for us to catch up afterwards... he's round the clock as he oversees operations.. slowly the major things are coming together.. and then the smaller details gotta come in.. Tough thing is as CNY is around the corner, I have difficulty getting certain orders done to my deadline as they are closed for many days.. thus Im running up and down to find alternatives and getting it done.. Stressful leh!

 

[lootcart]

Wah Lya!

Yurs is a shot gun? Why only 3 weeks only?? Everything is over by now I hope?

Bubblepuffs,

I hope u didnt tell him about the 6mth window. Keep this to yourself yeah? Slowly la, dun be too conservative about the relationship. Dun keep worrying for nothing my dear. Hehe. Still too early to talk about this.

I guess all relationships face difficulties from time to time.

During my 1st yr, I was worrying if this old man only in young girls nia, what happen if I am old n ugly next time? Will he leave me?

2nd year worried on generation gap. I feel it all the time when I go to his gatherings. How How?

3rd year focusing on own careers, meetups are lesser. How How? Will we drift away from each other?

4th year kinda bored.

5th year, too bored and find this relationship going too monotone and wanted to try something new. Get married and start a family.

6th year bore a kid. Worried on his upbringing. Conflicts with in laws. EVERYONE WAS WORRIED!

7th year. I will tell you after 2010. I can forsee very strong conflicts with in laws whenever it comes to children.

Constantly worrying la. Yours is still very fresh. Enjoy it 1st before you really need to start to be worried for the worrying parts.

Well, the people he mixed with plays a part as well. If they have happy married with kids and they keep flashing in front of him, he might get influenced and want to have a family soon. Who knows? My guy friends who are at the same age as me find me digging my own grave when I chose to get married so young. I find their comments damn extra. Dun even have a serious relationship before and comment my decision with all these nonsense. Only those who step in and step out are fit to judge marriage. And only to their own experience. Not all the same too. They only hear broken marriages here and there, what makes them so confident that marriage are graves! Hehe! I am not saying I have 100% faith in my own marriage either too. I will not know what is ahead. However, I am cultivating myself to be strong and independent day by day, to fit the new mordern women in this era.

Right now, after being married and had kids, the next thing is I dunno if I can get along with my in laws or not. Not so much on hes a divorcee anymore.

 

[blingbride]

Denise common la dont be so narrow! And I hate that term shotgun. Im not pregnant and we are rushing for our wedding as our house came in earlier than we expected and we dont want to be paying for not living in there.

 

[lootcart]

Lya, i see i see. Hehe, mine was a shot gun. Erm. In english, not shot gun. If go by traditional it is. Baby comes after ROM. Think if I dun hav a baby, I wun think of traditional even by now. Hehe!

 

[blingbride]

Oh... We are doin both our ROM and traditional at the same time...

 

[bubblepuffs]

Lya,

Wah you must be very busy! Jiayou!!

Denise,

Oh I told him :S

He initially raised about being back to platonic friends because it seemed I wasn't ready to be with him (because I never wanted to appear too coupleish in front of others before his divorce was finalized). And then the day after he said that, he started to kiss/hug me when we met. So I asked "hey what the hell" and he said "AH! Nevermind la we should just go with the flow as per previously".

The whole window thing came up when I jokingly said (ok I meant it but just tt it wasn't brought up in a serious tone) I'm not going to sleep with anyone until I get married.

And he responded with a "That one day if I want some action, I would have to break up with you and find another girl for it."

I was like er........ok.....where did that come from? He said since marriage is not on his books, the non-marriage issues will have to be taken care of at some stage.

I was like ok...

So he started the whole conversation about being anti-marriage because he doesn't trust the institution anymore. One don't need marriage to have someone to go home to. He said the institution is only useful if you have kids. He say he doesn't intend to have any so that institution is pointless.

He do have a lot of friends who have kids and are happily married (and a few who are divorced too), his brothers and cousins are happily married too with kids. He dote on them a lot and shower them with gifts and his time as well. But the weird thing was, he told me and everyone he didn't want any.

His close mates told me they suspected his ex-wife didn't want any so he had to go with her. But then again it came from them, not from him. I would take his view as it is.

Not that I am all ready to get married and motherly at this age but I kept that option opened in case one day it happens.

He kept it pretty tightly shut so I didn't want to push it. On the night we talked this out (about 1 month ago), I asked him if he would want to be more positive about marriage. He said at this point, he really don't see the point in one. And then he asked me, will I be negative about the view on marriage because that would mean I will be with him. I told him a straight no and that I will be positive about it and that is unlikely to change.

He said he cannot bring himself to bring our relationship further if I am not comfortable with his negative opinion on marriage. So only if he knows I am comfortable knowing that he will not marry again, then he would want to bring things further.

Hence I brought up the 6 months window - that we step back as friends and see where it brings us (sort of for him to fish through his baggage but of course I didn't say that) by the end of it.

I guess your husband was still positive about having a family and stuff when he was with you so although at that time he wasn't ready to be married, he had the intention to do things right again the next time.

But this guy whom I was with very briefly - didn't sound like he wants to be married again no matter how great things look thereafter.

It just sounds very scary Haha

 

[lootcart]

Bubblepuffs,

easy la, go with the flow like what he says. Relax and enjoy the honeymoon 1st.
Hehe!

 

[bubblepuffs]

Denise,

Huh!? Wow you gotta be the first person to tell me that...! Haha

Most people tell me not to gamble with it because don't bet anything (esp youth) on whether the man will marry you in future, especially when he already said he won't now.

And he is newly divorced, still fresh from the wounds. When we were talking things out, he did say he's confused where to proceed with me now that he knows marriage might be on my books in years to come if things are good (r/s hit a plateau after a while and you really need something to push it to the next level). He kept saying he likes me a lot, he sees many years with me but he is not able to promise marriage. And that it's very unfair for me to spend my prime waiting for him to change.. :S

One good thing that came out of it was that I got to re-evaluate my marriage options in future. I've always had the I'll never get married mentality because I just didn't see myself going down that path anytime soon. But when he raised a "You don't want to get married/have kids right?", to be honest, that caught me off guard. That made me stood back to re-evaluate that well if things go well between a guy and me a good 5-6 years down the road, I do want to tie the knot.

How to go with the flow when he reminds me that I say yes means I am kinda sealing my fate of no -marriage at 23?! Such a heavy seal put on it, so scary! It's like if many years down the road, I ask about it and don't get it, it's very much like I deserved it anyway because I knew right from the start he wasn't interested in marriage. LOL

I'll be going on a trip with him and some friends (it was pre-arranged) this coming March, probably have to see how it goes :S

 

[sgbabydoll]

"How to go with the flow when he reminds me that I say yes means I am kinda sealing my fate of no -marriage at 23?"

Hi Bubblepuffs, I thought our fate is not sealed when there is no marriage.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Oh I meant like walking down the path of no marriage. If I decide one day I want to get married, means I have to leave him.

Was just thinking it might be more painful to part at that time than compared to now.

OK I think it's a lot of overthinking here - maybe I haven't dated any guy who has kept the option closed this way before..so I'm a little I don't know..skeptical.

 

[lootcart]

Bubblepuffs,

mind if i ask u something? How many relationships u had in the past and whats their age range? If you are going on a trip together with him, this is already "going with the flow" liao wor. What kind of trip is it? Sharing hotel room with him required? If yes, what to you expect? 2 single beds? Oh come on... do expect something gonna to happen.

OK, lets take my earlier ex before my HB for eg. When we are on a holiday, we are doing normal things like what a couple should do.

If you are not preparing to, pls dun go. Its a major turn off to man. Do I need to spell more clearly? "I am going holiday with you, will sleep in the same room with you BUT we will only hold hands to sleep." I am not saying all men are like that la... But for a man mid 30s, married before and being a normal man... I guess if you agree to go on a trip with him, you are already telling him "go with the flow" le wor. You will probably think hes a upright man if he can remain good. My esteem will be very low if a man is a good boy when we are alone in the room. =(

Why see the relationship as a gamble? Haiyo... you should be enjoying it! Its not easy to find someone who u get along with. If he spell so clearly that he doesnt want a marriage, dun bug him at the moment. See how things go. You are just some girl who is able to click with him at the moment. If he can anyhow give promises to any girl, its more worrying leh.

He like you at the moment, probably haben reach to the stage whereby he cant live without you. You know it now. So place small stakes instead of showhand la. Enjoy it. And you are lucky that he is honest abt his view on marriage. Some men will promise the heaven and earth at the begining and then the ugly ending.

Go with the flow 1st. Take it easy. Dun keep hinting abt marriage since hes not in the mood now. It can be very irritating and turns pple especially man off. =)

My point of view. Hehe.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Denise tt's really sweet of you to write me a long post! I will reply slowly.

I have had 3 past relationships - most of which are guys my age range (meaning +3 to 4 years). Well I wouldn't say they promise marriage right from the start but no one has ever closed that door on me so directly.

Oh no the trip is a snowboarding trip so it's with a bunch of people all staying in an apartment. There will be a few bedrooms with single beds. It's not just 1-2 people, it's a bunch of people...

Hmm you are right in a way..maybe I was too uptight about the comment he made and he was very strong about it. It freaked me out totally.

No la never hint before lo, it was just his comment about "marriage is not on my books so our non-marriage issues will have to be settled at some point in time" that kind of freaked me out, like one day he decides he needs to sleep with someone (for eg la), then we bid goodbye.

I was like huh? A lot of things started to come from nowhere so I was like ok...maybe I need to give some thought.

Or maybe I am overthinking as you mentioned.

 

[lootcart]

Wahahaha! He probably taking that as a joke. Dun get too affected by it.

Hmmm... still the same thing. Relax. Be comfortable. Just go with the flow. =)

Good luck yeah!

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Oh I meant like walking down the path of no marriage. If I decide one day I want to get married, means I have to leave him."

Yes, there are U-turn signs everywhere, even in marriage. There are always choices; it all depends on how and when you would make a choice.

When you go into a relationship, leave some room for flexibility or change, for yourself and your partner too.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Denise,

Hahah I think it's more of his constant "YOu sure you are comfortable with me not getting married ever in future?" that really makes me go ARGGGHHHH all those disclaimers!

Doll,

Thanks for the note

I don't know, I was just picturing myself still liking him at that point and if I wanted marriage, I would have to leave someone I still like to go seek someone else to marry.

Just kinda weird school of thought that is going on in my brain..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Bubblepuffs, I don't know about you but I will never find someone to get married to. I did that with a previous relationship and it had backfired on me. It was like finding someone to fit my ideal lifestyle. I can't bring myself to do that again. I prefer to be with a special someone and discover how far we could go.

By the way, I went through divorce a few years ago and am dating a guy who is in separation. He has a six-year-old daughter.

 

[lootcart]

Serious ah? He keep repeating that? Oh my.. thats really a turnoff. I dun understand why did he want to set the rules. Its not a game ma... OK, I just have to understand him, surrender to his previous marriage.

In that case do keep yourself open to choices. Since this is like attached-but-available, then just be attached but available bah.

Till today I do not see anyone who can predict his future correctly, lets hope he will walk out of the failed marriage successfully bah.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Doll,

For me to decide if I want to truly get married or not at 23 years old, to be honest I don't know it myself. But closing that door on me is just...I don't know...not fair?

Sure not all r/s goes down the aisle at the end of the day, but i'm sure most people start with an end in mind, something they work towards to.

I would rather keep that option open than keeping them shut.

Hi Denise,

Yeah that's why I hesitated every time he said that. That was about 1 plus month ago (then his divorce hasn't been finalized, it was finalized only end Jan) since we discussed this and I have left it as that because I didn't want to push it. So we are back on friends track, we don't meet up that often as well but we still do hang out about once a week with common friends.

I was out having dinner with his bestie yesterday (best friend called him along too and the guy's comment was "so fast you got her already ah.." and his best friend was like "huh?! what you talking about?!" In the end the guy didn't turn up as he had a last min conference call.

I had the marriage-thingy conversation with his bestie about a few weeks back and over the last weekend, while out watching movies with the guy, bestie asked him if he plans to get married again (I think he was checking on my behalf and no the guy does not know we had this conversation prior).

The guy hesitated for a while and said maybe in 3-5 years time he might..but he needs a gap. So his bestie told me he's growing to be not that aversed to marriage so give him some time.

I said that's why i brought up the window - to let him sort his baggage in peace first. I will only response accordingly when he approaches me during this period.

I don't know if that is the right move for now but it seemed the best option for me. I don't want to be jumping in when he is in a confused state of mind.

Yes I will keep my options open

 

[lootcart]

Yeah la. I do not noe the man, unable to judge. Your guy's comment "so fast you got her already ah..", could be a sign of jealously. Could be a sign of disappointment. Or could be very random.

He could be having good feelings towards you. Could be using you to fill in his emptiness. Nobody knows.

He needs a gap. Probably he finds that marriage is a waste of time. Probably hes sick of it. Probably he is just afraid as he stepped out from a failed one.

Well... I hope you take all advices a reference only. Especially those from his friends. Besties only says the good things. Whenever my bestie is in wrong, I will still comfort her, say the good things nia. So.. need not to ask this and that. Let your eyes and heart be the judgement.

I guess what was passed already in the past. Dun keep the thought "he got no intentions to get married" in yur mind all the time. You wont be enjoying. Just go out like a normal relationship and let nature take its course.

If I were to handle such situation, either I go all out for it (enjoy it, hurt at the end of the day or not leave it later) or I chop all ties with him (this bugger is out to waste my time, I couldnt be bothered with his nonsense). I wont be giving myself in such fix situation because its like setting rules and regulation in a game. OK, games give you excitement. You are not treating this as one so... shouldnt be the way la.

I still find the sentence "YOu sure you are comfortable with me not getting married ever in future?" a major turnoff! Its the same as "You can stay by my side and be my girlfriend but dont fall in love with me." Tsk!

OK, I've changed my mind, I will ask the fellow to get lost and find a fling instead. =(

 

[sgbabydoll]

Bubblepuffs

Just wanna clue you in on what some (not all) divorcees think of marriage.....Honestly, I feel I am not too far out of being married to think of doing it again soon.

Some people think I am anti-marriage, have not gotten over the pain of divorce or simply non-committal. None of the aforesaid. I just know exactly what I want in relationship, that is, to be happy, whether married or not. So, marriage is besides the point, being happy is the point.

Since I am out of marriage, I do want to explore a different type of life and I have to say that it's so far, so good.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Denise,

Yep I am taking all as a reference only - I did tell the best friend that as well that I will not take into acct what he said, but I will only hear it from the guy himself.

The best friend did asked something weird yesterday - he asked if there was anything going on between the guy and me now. I said no, we are super reg friends (I don't even initiate contact with him unless well he ask me something or approach me). He said it didn't feel like it because the guy didn't seemed happy that someone wants to share the cake (me) with him.

The best friend did mentioned he doesn't know what the guy wants as well - it's like he wants to hold on to the cake (me), admire it, take a bite probably but don't want to be responsible for it. And he went "what does he want?! At the rate he is going, he is so going nowhere with you. So he thinks he just wants you to love him, be there for him and not promise you anything? "

HAHAHA I'm so glad the best friend saw my point!! Hahah.

I don't think I can afford to go all out now because he's still fresh from his divorce. If he saw things through and decides that he wants to be part of my life, he will eventually make his way back. If not, I'll have to take it as a bad lesson learned LOL.

I've mentioned to the best friend that I've already declared my stand very clearly, the ball is in his court. I've promised the 6 months window and I will abide by it (I told him I promised it I will abide it although he did say he doesn't know if it's enough to let him be positive about marriage again).

But of course I didn't say the fine print of the window is...I might not around by the time he is done (could be posted overseas by then) If he really thought it through, he will have to find his way back I guess.

Meanwhile I am working on expanding the social circle as well

I did asked him if I was a fling before - he said no because if I was a fling, he won't bother spending 3-4 months sounding me out about a lot of things (or he call it doing his due diligence). But he just can't bring himself to think about marriage at this point.

So either way, best option for me is to step away and find my own life!

You are cute la Denise..LOL I found that quite a turnoff too so I didn't respond to it. Hahaha

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Doll,

I think that's fine if you have tried marriage and realized it is not the lifestyle you are after. We are all not cookie cutter kids at the end of the day so it's ok

Not everyone is cut out for marriage, maybe I'm not, maybe I am. I wouldn't know. At 23 years old, this is not the kind of thing that goes through one's mind.

But closing that path right now, is just limiting my future options which I don't see any reason why I should at my age.

Glad to know the current lifestyle suits you

 

[blingbride]

I actually think that this man you're with right now is simply in the stage of post-divorce weariness. Just like how most of us have this mixed reactions after a breakup, feel depressed and even tell ourselves that we will never be able to move on without this person and that our future is doomed, bla bla, he's in the same stage, perhaps not waiting around for the ex to come back but despising marriage. However, you probably been through or noticed how we all move on shortly or sometime after the breakup, get over the depression phase and find ourselves able to accept a new partner into our lives.. We would be amazed how impossible we thought it would be until after some cooling period, we actually feel much lighter and better..

But, the during the recovery phase, no matter how much people advise us that it's not gonna be this way forever and how not all men/women are the same, we find it impossible to accept.. we just feel doomed... Similarly situation here.. no matter how much you try to convince this man, he's gonna be stuck in his negative thoughts now. It's gonna seem impossible for another marriage in his life FOR NOW.

The thing is, the recovery period for everyone differs. Some casually move on after few days or a week, others take months, even years.. there are also the rare ones that do not move on at all. But an average person should be fine soon.. He should be considered on the way to recovery as he had actually answered his friend that he may consider marriage in 3-5yrs time.. This shows that he's not totally blocking off the thought. The other point is that he even got to know you and be in an exclusive relationship with you, A person who is totally phobic about relationships and marriage may not move on to get close with a new partner at all in the first place.. I think what he needs is time. You cant expect him to feel just the way you want him to immediately. You gotta understand the tough lifestyle and marriage he just came over and that takes time to be erased from his mind..

In order for him to change his opinion on things, he's got to be rest assured that YOU are different, are better than his ex and are the one for him. That takes alot of action rather than talking him into marriage. He could be repeating his stand on marriage and all so as to pre-alert you where you guys stand.. He may not want to lead you on without you knowing his true stand.. Though it may put you off, think of the good side of it. He's being very honest bout tis. I believe he's also in an exclusive relationship with you and not flinging with you together with other women.. That would reflect bad character and probably making use of you.. He also doesnt hide the fact that he's with you. He has brought you into his lifestyle and circle and is not afraid to show he's with you. Isnt this genuine? Not all guys start off a relationship with the term MARRIAGE in their heads. It might be too soon then.. So long as he's a decent, good man, he will realise that he needs to give you a status after so long together.. You need not push him into it..

Since you feel that at 23 it's too early for you to get married, push that thought off your mind. Just concentrate on getting to know him better and making yourself known to him. Eventually when he sees the real you and feels comfortable and trusting with you, you may get the biggest shock of your life when he proposes to you unexpectedly. When you keep harping on marriage all the time, you are straining the flow of the relationship and pushing him back far away cos that's his sensitive, hurt area.

If you think that you really like this man and he's worth putting your effort and time in, then push the marriage topic out of your mind and concentrate on who he is. As much as you want a marriage and happy life, he would want it too, he's hurt now and you should help him to come out of it not venture deeper into his fear.

If you think you would do better with a different person who probably shares the exact same ideas as you, then you should decide and move on. Let this man live his post-divorce life as he wants it. He deserves a break after putting up with a torturous family life for years...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Bubblepuffs, I think it's cool that you are keeping your options open. I also feel that he is cool to keep his options open, and not want marriage now. I would be wary of a man being fresh out of marriage to want to do it again soon. He should take his time to figure out what he wants. Though it can be a huge turn-off, he is being true to himself when he said he does not want marriage.

 

[cuclainne]

He also doesnt hide the fact that he's with you. He has brought you into his lifestyle and circle and is not afraid to show he's with you. Isnt this genuine?

be careful .. what you might think is a genuine act might not be what the other person has in mind ie if the people are his kakis, he bring one girl or 10, they wouldn't bat an eyelid and probably think this guy is so clever to be juggling them all!

 

[blingbride]

Hmm Cuc,

You mean the tactic of juggling.. I presume that he's doing it one on one... Well, of course, Bubble knows best how he treats her and what is sensible to her....

 

[lootcart]

What? Cake?? Tsk! This is more turnoff!

Fresh from divorce? IMO, a person should be quite down after a fresh divorce. If he decided to open up and move on, he should be walking out of it. Once he start having feelings for another person, the divorce still as fresh meh.

3-4mths sounding you out? Oh... he should have already got over it la...

The bestie is right.

Cake?! OMG! pardon me, I really hate the anology. Why must we be the cake? Why cant we be the eel that will glide off anytime when the one holding dun grip it hard? Tsk!

 

[sgbabydoll]

Aiyah, cake or eel are just figure of speech lah.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Lya,

In a way I am doing that because I mingle pretty well with most of his close friends and his close friends do have a good impression of me - even he said it seemed that his friends likes me a lot (something his ex-wife didn't like doing, she only liked her friends and only wanted to hang out with hers) and I agreed to go on the snowboarding trip with his snowboarding mates even when I didn't know how to do it. I'm taking it as an excuse to go on holiday (haven't been on one since I started work!) and learn a new sport at the same time. His ex-wife didn't go on any of those trips with him becoz well she didn't care if he really loved it or not, she wanted things her way so eventually he stopped going.

Whether anything good will come out of it, at the back of my mind I'm telling myself I'm getting a chance to visit a new country and get to learn a new sport and see snow for the first time.

I'm not entirely shutting him off, but we can't afford to be going out 3-4 times a week like before and spending our weekends joined at the hips and locked on the lips (ok not that serious but it just kind of rhyme) - it just defeats the entire purpose of stepping back as friends.

I'm still trying to know him because the current him is a little different from what I used to know him. He was a pretty bubbly guy when I knew him. After the window started, he started to be a little moody and emo, even his bestie noted it. Because I told him 2 weeks ago, when the whole bunch of us went out for pool, it was eventually left with just me and the guy at the table. I thought it was quite awkward to be caught in this scene (he was teaching me pool one on one and as we all know, teaching pool can look a little wrong...) so I said I'm tired I want to go home. He said it's early we can stay longer, but I was really tired so I told him he can stay if he wants but I am really going home. He actually got a little angry but gave in and sent me home.

When I told the bestie this, he was surprised the guy had such a reaction too. Well I don't want to speculate that anyway so I will leave it as that. I'm still trying to figure out the real him.

Hi Denise,

I don't know about his state of mind about me but I don't want to speculate either. He could be serious but just cannot vision marriage at this point or he could just be looking for someone to fill the void.

One thing for sure, his close friends all knew about me, his ex-colleagues knew about me, his office people knew about me (he brought me into the company room during F1 where all his colleagues were at), his brother and sister-in-law knew about me (he asked exclusive F1 pass from his bro so we kinda met up and talked a little during the F1 event) and he arranged for me to meet his little sister before (about 3 years older than me) by arranging us to go for the same musical. He asked me to go to his parents' place before when he was going to pick up his dog but I declined because it was a little weird. And this was all done before he confessed to me. Maybe he liked me enough to want to bring me into his life or maybe he didn't. I don't know and wouldn't know.

But for now, I'm just hanging around as a friend and watch how the situation unfolds. I'm still being friendly for now, but at the back of my mind whenever I have the feeling of just ditching everything and run off with him, I will tell myself it's a ticket of no return if you go now and I will hold it back.

6 months is my timeframe for him - while being as friends and trying to get to know him, I know I cannot tie my options to him.

I think it;'s the best option I have for myself at this point in time.

 

[lootcart]

Cake wun run, eel will.
Cake can be shared, eel cant.

yeap, nothing much u can do about it except to see how things go. He just want to play it safely, forgotten that you are playing safely as well.

Keep us updated yeah! =)

 

[bubblepuffs]

Hi Lya,

In a way I am doing that because I mingle pretty well with most of his close friends and his close friends do have a good impression of me - even he said it seemed that his friends likes me a lot (something his ex-wife didn't like doing, she only liked her friends and only wanted to hang out with hers) and I agreed to go on the snowboarding trip with his snowboarding mates even when I didn't know how to do it. I'm taking it as an excuse to go on holiday (haven't been on one since I started work!) and learn a new sport at the same time. His ex-wife didn't go on any of those trips with him becoz well she didn't care if he really loved it or not, she wanted things her way so eventually he stopped going.

Whether anything good will come out of it, at the back of my mind I'm telling myself I'm getting a chance to visit a new country and get to learn a new sport and see snow for the first time.

I'm not entirely shutting him off, but we can't afford to be going out 3-4 times a week like before and spending our weekends joined at the hips and locked on the lips (ok not that serious but it just kind of rhyme) - it just defeats the entire purpose of stepping back as friends.

I'm still trying to know him because the current him is a little different from what I used to know him. He was a pretty bubbly guy when I knew him. After the window started, he started to be a little moody and emo, even his bestie noted it. Because I told him 2 weeks ago, when the whole bunch of us went out for pool, it was eventually left with just me and the guy at the table. I thought it was quite awkward to be caught in this scene (he was teaching me pool one on one and as we all know, teaching pool can look a little wrong...) so I said I'm tired I want to go home. He said it's early we can stay longer, but I was really tired so I told him he can stay if he wants but I am really going home. He actually got a little angry but gave in and sent me home.

When I told the bestie this, he was surprised the guy had such a reaction too. Well I don't want to speculate that anyway so I will leave it as that. I'm still trying to figure out the real him.

Hi Denise,

I don't know about his state of mind about me but I don't want to speculate either. He could be serious but just cannot vision marriage at this point or he could just be looking for someone to fill the void.

One thing for sure, his close friends all knew about me, his ex-colleagues knew about me, his office people knew about me (he brought me into the company room during F1 where all his colleagues were at), his brother and sister-in-law knew about me (he asked exclusive F1 pass from his bro so we kinda met up and talked a little during the F1 event) and he arranged for me to meet his little sister before (about 3 years older than me) by arranging us to go for the same musical. He asked me to go to his parents' place before when he was going to pick up his dog but I declined because it was a little weird. And this was all done before he confessed to me. Maybe he liked me enough to want to bring me into his life or maybe he didn't. I don't know and wouldn't know.

But for now, I'm just hanging around as a friend and watch how the situation unfolds. I'm still being friendly for now, but at the back of my mind whenever I have the feeling of just ditching everything and run off with him, I will tell myself it's a ticket of no return if you go now and I will hold it back.

6 months is my timeframe for him - while being as friends and trying to get to know him, I know I cannot tie my options to him.

I think it;'s the best option I have for myself at this point in time.

 

[bubblepuffs]

Ok I posted double for some reason and I can't delete it..sorry about that! :S